Calm Parenting Podcast - What Should Worry You About Your Strong-Willed Child

Episode Date: December 12, 2022

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derails like an entire evening. Or maybe you have a child who resists you over literally everything. So common everyday things that should be simple are not. Or you have a child who shuts down or yells at you and says, I'm not going to school. I know this is frustrating, but I want to give you some insight. And my assumption is you have a child like that. Otherwise you wouldn't be listening to the Calm Parenting Podcast, but we're glad you're here and appreciate you sharing the podcast. Listen, if you need any help, reach out to Casey. It's our son. And he was a very, very strong-willed child who did everything I mentioned in the podcast, Casey did. And so he understands, we understand.

Email him, Casey, C-A-S-E-Y at celebratecalm.com. Tell us about your family, ages of the kids. We get together as a family, discuss it. We will reply back to you personally and usually pretty quickly because we want to help you. So it's our mission is. So let's set the scene here.

And I want to let you know, this is a really important podcast. Please don't miss this one. And please share it with other ones. I'm going to give you two things. One is very high level. I want to help you change the narrative in your heart and in your brain toward the strong willed child and to see him or her in a different way because that is critical, very critical. And two, I want to give you some very practical strategies

of ways you can actually change this dynamic and get kids out of the house in the morning and build their confidence. So I want to do high level and then details. So here's the setting. I'm going to use this as the framework to discuss some larger themes and then get into the details. But I want you to know most of the situations are not what you think they are.

And I know this because I get emails every day that say, well, my child's being disobedient. How can I stop this defiance? And when I dig in further, I discover it's really not about that at all. But if that's how you frame it in your mind, right? Well, my child's just being disobedient or my child's defiant. If that's how you're framing their behavior, their attitude, what's going on inside, you'll get lost in trying to coerce them, punish them, reward them, or bribe them. And none of those things will work. It will just leave you and your child more frustrated. A side note to my Christian parents and my religious parents. I know when I get messages from you because you will use the term rebellious or disobedient almost all the time

and I think that most of the time and I mean that most of the time, and I mean that, most of the time, I think you're not reading the situation correctly because your framework is off sometimes of thinking that everything is about the outward behavior of the child. And it's really not. It's about what's going on inside the child that then drives the outward behavior. And I say that as a cautionary note to those parents because I have seen this dynamic for 20 years where I've got this disobedient child. He's not listening the first time, won't do what I say. And so now I'm going to bring down the hard discipline. We're going to stamp that defiance and disobedience out of that child.

Not only does it not work, the child digs in even more, fights back more, and now the relationship between the parent and the child gets severed. And the parent will often justify that, well, they're not listening to their parents and they need to. And I understand that. I'm not advocating that a child just do whatever he wants and get away with it. Not at all. I like firm, consistent, tough discipline. I like that. And the child likes that. But that's not usually what we do.

And we usually discipline at times when we don't need to be disciplining because there's nothing to discipline for. We're misreading the situation. And I don't want relationships to continue to be ruined because of our mindset, right? And I'm not denying that your kids are difficult. They're challenging. They absorb all of this energy. They want to do things on their own terms.

They resist constantly. I get that 100%. But I see these kids and their behavior in a different way. And that leads to coming up with actual solutions because you get to the root issue. And then instead of trying to stamp out the defiance, instead of punishing a child, which by the way is not discipline, remember discipline means to teach, I give kids tools to succeed and it changes the whole dynamic. So here's the scene. Let's say you've got a couple of kids, you've got three kids, four kids, doesn't matter to me. And a couple of

kids get up on time, they get ready. But you've got to still have that one child who's laying in bed. See, this is the misfit, the one who doesn't really, really fit in. This is Hermie the dentist or Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer, right? Laying in bed, being different, not fitting in, while the good kids are downstairs, behaving, doing as they should. See, if you don't think that our kids, strong-willed kids, if you don't think that they don't internalize this very early on with devastating effects, then you're not seeing this correctly.

Let me say it a different way, in a more blunt way. Our kids often internalize this from a very early age. I'm different. I'm bad. And sometimes they'll even say those things, right? And what happens is we get caught up in our parental anxiety, right? Which is normal. It's expected. You should be, please pay attention to how I say this, you should be concerned about this child, but not because he or she is strong-willed. I don't, I'm not concerned about strong-willed kids. What you should be worried about is how you and teachers and other adults and caregivers treat this child, view this child, and view their behavior because it ultimately crushes this child's spirit and their confidence early on,

and it lasts through the teen years. So let me say that again, right? I'm not worried about having a strong-willed child. I welcome that. So I'm not worried about that. And by the way, please, there's no blame or guilt in anything that we do. I'm not blaming you. There's no blame, no guilt, no manipulation. I just want to own our stuff. And I want to be able to be blunt and honest with parents about things that are hurting your relationships. What you should be worried about is how we as parents, how you, how teachers and other people view your child and often crush the child's spirit very early on, right? So you have a child, you try to get them up, and the first thing you hear is, I'm not going to school. And of course, we as parents reply in a rational way, right? Talking

about, well, you're healthy, nothing's wrong in school day, so you're going to school. As if your child's going to say, oh, what you're saying has literally nothing to do with why I'm fighting you so hard to stay home. So once again, I feel misunderstood. Once again, I feel that I'm a pawn in this little game where you just have to get me to do things, and I feel misunderstood. Once again, I feel that I'm a pawn in this little game where you just have to get me to do things and I feel misunderstood, but you're so logical. I'll just do what you say. See, that's, that's not what you're going. That's not what's going to happen. And I want to throw this in as well. Your kids sometimes say things over and over again. And I'm going to do a whole podcast on this sometime. But we don't often listen, right?

And so they say it, and I want you to try this this week. Listen to your kids and your spouse without trying to convince them otherwise. See, they're telling you something. And I get it. I know you're like, look, we've got four kids. I got to get these kids to school. I can't spend all morning listening to one of them scream. And what I'm saying is when you reflect on this, really dig in and be curious. Why is your child resisting school? Try to get to the root of the issue. You don't have to do it in the morning

right then, but we've got to get to the root. And so what happens? This child fights you over getting dressed. You have to drag this child downstairs. Can they eat breakfast normally? No, they've got to, you can fix eight different things and they still won't be happy. I get it. It is hard. It's going to be freezing outside because it's winter and they won't wear a jacket. Side note, don't freak out about that. Every single strong-willed child we've ever worked with, and we've worked with a million families, they do not like wearing constrictive things, right? It's a sensory thing,

and it's also they don't like being constricted. It's their psychological, mental, emotional profile. They don't like having expectations placed on them. They don't like all the rules, and they don't like jackets put on them. I'm 56. I'm the same exact way. Chill. Look, I'm not going to send a four-year-old out in a blizzard without warm clothes. But if your child's just going to a bus stop or getting in the car, they don't have to

put on their jacket to do that. Okay? Most of the time. again, if it's negative 38 with a wind chill and you're living in Alberta, but most of the time it's our own parental anxiety because here's what's happening. I don't want the other parents and teachers to think that I'm a bad mom sending my child to school in shorts. How many of your kids do that? Let go of that power struggle. You're creating it, okay? So for the most part. so what happens then? Here's what this one mom said. She said, we've tried sympathy. Sometimes sympathy backfires in a big way because it sounds condescending. We've tried hugs. We've tried punishments and we sit exasperated trying to watch this all going on, right? When we get to school, the teacher comes out and asks our child

to get out of the car and says, hey, are you ready to come into school? Well, of course not, right? So what we miss is this. Your child is telling you something else is going on. And I get your frustration. I really do. But this is really important. If your child could speak, and I don't care if your child's 3, 6, 8, 10, 14, 13, 15, it doesn't matter what age. Here's what your child really wants you to hear. I don't always feel in control of myself. And I'm super sensitive to my surroundings. So I pick up on how people treat me and think about me and talk to me and I pick up

on all the chaos at school and it kind of freaks me out a little bit. I know I'm a little different and I can tell by the way people treat me so I've begun to internalize I'm the bad kid that I don't always have a lot of friends. I have trouble following directions and school's really hard for me, but I know it's easy for other people. So I begin to think I'm stupid and it feels like everybody's frustrated with me and I'm always in trouble and I'm anxious about going to school because it's out of my control and I have no idea what to do about it. And you don't either. Mom and dad, you're the grownups. You're the one who's supposed to protect me from the things I get scared and anxious about. And I know I don't tell you the right way and I lash out at

you, but I've been screaming about this for weeks or months now. And instead of helping me, you take things away from me and you get frustrated at me too. So all I have left is to lash out and run away and resist and hide. I don't know what else to do. Would you please help me? I want you to go back sometime after this podcast and listen to that and listen to through the eyes of your six-year-old, your nine-year-old, your 15-year-old and see if that isn't true. Because a lot of what we do in the phone consultations too is go through this and I try to give voice to what the child's saying so that then we can address the real issue. This has nothing to do with, well, she's disobedient by not getting ready. It has literally nothing to do with the entire situation. And so if you address it as disobedience and

inside the child's like, I'm not being disobedient I'm just anxious and everything in my life feels out of control and that's why I try to control everything it's why when we play board games I try to cheat I change the rules it's why I'm so particular it's why I like to organize things at times although a lot of you kids make big big messes right but if there's one goal I would give you over the holidays, it would be this, to truly understand your child inside and out, right? And if you have our programs, dig into them over the holidays, email me with questions, and I'll work through it. If you don't have them, by all means, go through it and listen to the Strong Willed Child program.

It is foundational for understanding these kids, right? And that is on sale. You just go to the website. There's a Christmas sale. Get the Calm Parenting Package. You're going to get everything. Or if you want to do a phone consultation, sign up for that. So how can we help you and your child?

Let's get into specifics. I want you to get to the root of it. What you're seeing is probably not what's really going on underneath. What kid would act out like this? Just think about it and have everyone stare at you and judge you if there wasn't something else going on inside. Right? I don't think your kids wake up every morning and say, you know what? I want to wake up and be really bad today so everybody hates me. right? No, there's something else is going on and we need to figure out what that is. And that's why being curious is so helpful. See, I don't see the morning fights

as disobedience. I think it's just a lot of anxiety. And I think it's a child who doesn't feel good about herself, doesn't know how to be successful, is always in trouble. So she's just shutting down. And there's this huge transition from being laying in my bed where it's safe, right? From being at home with my dog or my cat to going to school with all the chaos and all the rules and all the kids who are so good at it, but I'm not good at it, and being in that classroom. See, in that case, it's not discipline. I want to give her tools to be successful, right? It's like if a child is struggling, won't read something, and we're like, you need to read, but then we find out that they have some eyesight problems. The solution isn't to take, well, I'm going to take away all your games and all the fun until you read. No, the solution is let me get you a tool, eyeglasses, so you can actually see the

words. I know that's not the best analogy, but it kind of fits there, right? Conceptually. So here's some tools. And this is what I do ASAP. I would reach out to your child's teacher, even someone in office school, and here's what I would ask them to do. To give your child a very specific job or mission to do every morning. Imagine your child hears this, Jacob, you know what? I've noticed you're really good at doing X. By the way, is that not a wonderful thing to hear in life? Because most of our kids watch the trap we fall into as parents and teachers. We just do. We list out and notice everything the child does wrong every single day. We get reports from school about every tiny, every single infraction,

and we forget to point out what they're good at doing. So even that alone, I've recognized, I've noticed, right? I'm not going to define you by all of your issues and problems and the things you don't do well, right? Because you don't want to be noticed for that too, right? You want your job to have a job where mainly you use your gifts and passions. So Jacob, I've noticed you're really good at doing X. Could you be my special assistant or some cooler title, right? If your kid, use what your kids are

into, right? Like if your kids are in, want to be a fireman, then they're like, hey, I need you to be the chief, right? If they're into trains, they can be like the engineer, the conductor, right? Can you be my special assistant? Help me do X every morning. It really helped me out, right? That giving the child, now you're focusing on something they can do you're putting something in their control and most of your kids like being helpful to other people just not you right and if the child teacher's trying to get the child to back seat right sometimes we go with that oh it looks like you're having a rough day that can work sometimes but right now it merely puts more emphasis on the fact that your child's being difficult instead I'd rather have the teacher say

oh I'm so glad you're here because I was having trouble doing something in my classroom and I could really use your help so now we're not even addressing the behavior and we're not talking like this we're saying oh I need your help I need you spring into action right and some of you have kids that are very, very strong. So have the teacher or you give your child a job where they have to lift something, move something. It's very good for sensory issues, right? Have them sweep something, have them lift up and move heavy books for the teacher. So let's do this as well. I want to change the dynamic of the morning routine. I want to add a special mission or a challenge, right? And if we could brainstorm together, I'd want to know what

your child is really good at so that we can revolve it around that. But the first words and thoughts, I want to change tomorrow morning from, you have to get up and get ready for school. Well, why? Because that triggers anxiety and resistance, right? To, hey, I bet you can't find, right? Because I love treasure hunts in the morning, right? I bet you can't do. Our kids often don't do simple things well or at all, but they often like a challenge

because they're really bright kids and they like to use their brains, so use their brains. Or I bet you can't tell me, right? Another challenge. Or we'll get to this in a minute connection. I'll come back to that. But wake your child up to a treasure hunt. Find, you know what? Bet you can't find where I hid your clothes or your breakfast. If you live in a warm climate, by all means, hide breakfast or food outside and let your kids eat their breakfast outside by themselves. I know I've mentioned this a million times, but it's really, really important.

Well, don't we need to do everything together as a family? No. People need space. This child needs space. Your other kids need space. And let me address this really quickly because I know what many of you are thinking. Well, we've got other kids and we don't revolve everything around them. And this isn't fair because the other kids get up on time and that's not fair. Let me push back on you and I'm going to do it in a hard way. I'm not doing it in a mean way, but I want it to sink in. Yeah, if you want to go fairness, here's what else isn't fair. It's not fair that your other kids fit easily into the system we have right now where they just naturally do

well at school. It's not fair that your other kids have brains and hearts that make it easy for them to be compliant and to follow directions and to memorize things. And school's easy for them. That's not fair either. It's not fair that society picks on people who are different, and the strong-willed child is different. So if we want to go the fairness route, I would turn it around on you and probably say it's completely unfair how we look at, view, and treat strong-willed kids. Because in the world I live in,

I would be celebrating these kids and be like, I like that. I like your independence. I like that you're assertive, I like that. I like your independence. I like that you're assertive. I like that you know what you think. I love that you're a good thinker. I love that you don't listen to me the first time because you're thinking of different ways of doing it. And it irritates me because I'm type A and I have control issues and that's my issue. But I love that you actually think. I love that you're not afraid to fail, that you'll try something different. See, that's my

world. I'd be more concerned about the compliant kids who just follow directions and don't speak up because if they're little girls, they end up growing up and marry a controlling man, right? Is that not true? It's a little bit of humor, but it's also true and it's sad. So it's not fair. It's just the way it is. And I'll tell you, I will promise you this. The strong-willed child is going to consume a lot of your energy. And I know that's not fair to the other kids, but in some ways, it's just how real life works. And I want to relieve your anxiety or your guilt as parents. There's no guilt in this. You have to take more time for them. But I'll promise you when they grow up, they will take less time because these kids are great in the adult world. They just have

a tough time navigating the kid world. They just have a tough time navigating the kid world, right? They often don't like talking to other kids. They're better in the adult world. So roll with that. Know that's who they are, right? So maybe there's something else that they do. Maybe you give them a more grown-up or adult-type job that your child can do in the morning. They often respond to that. Maybe it's something to do with the family pet. But here's what I'd like. I want to focus your child's brain on something he or she can control in the morning

to counter the anxiety of the things they can't control. We all do this as adults without even knowing it. You and I have so many little things that we do that bring us back into homeostasis, that bring us back into order and structure. Look, the very fact that you're listening to this podcast and you email me is because your family life is out of control. It's out of order. And that freaks you out as it should. And so your little child or towering 15-year-old smelly boy teenager, their life just feels like it's out of control. And all the things they're doing are just immature

ways to try to bring back some control, right? Here's another thing I want you to try specific. Try creating connection in the morning. Connection breeds cooperation. But you know what's happened? This child's difficult and you've got a lot of stuff to do. I got to get three kids, two kids. I got to get this kid out of bed and into school and I've got a job and I got to grow. I can be spending all this time. And so we get into a checklist and we get into this thing of like, you need to get up. Honey, if you're not up in the next seven minutes, you're going to lose X and we lose the connection. We stop enjoying this child. So can you connect tomorrow morning with your child over something that he or she really

cares about or is interested in? Because you could say this, hey, I was thinking about X since you like that so much. When you come downstairs, let's brainstorm a way for us to do X. Or hey, if you get ready in the next seven minutes, we'll have time to do X when you come downstairs. And then you walk away because sometimes it's good to give your kids a little bit of space, right, in that moment to think about things. Now, listen, there are a lot of, I've gone through in other podcasts, all different ways to connect with your kids in the morning and do morning routine. There are a lot of pieces to this, but one of them is controlling your own

anxiety and frustration. So I like as few words in the morning as possible. Give a little bit of space and work on your own anxiety and frustration. Many of you, whether it's you come from, you have that type A personality or you were the compliant child, where you grew up in a really religious home, where everybody was very strict, that is going to weigh on you because you're going to feel guilt and people are going to judge you about this child. And I want you to deal with that so you can see this child in a different way. In essence, here's what we're going to do. We're going to change the narrative about who this child is in everyone's head, teacher's head, in my head, parent's head, in the child's head. We're going to change how they see themselves. And that's going to be, that's going to change more things than anything else. But we're also

going to change the narrative of the morning. And we're going to give some jobs and missions. And we're going to affirm your child when they do things well, instead of always pointing out everything that they don't do well. Right? Let's work on this, this, this week. I promise you, as you begin to see your child in different ways and focus more on giving them tools to succeed, you will actually, this approach will actually take less time and effort than trying to force things, than trying to change your child's nature, than trying to just fix them all the time. So if you need help with this, reach out to us. You can reach out to Casey at Celebrate Calm. We will answer your questions. Definitely listen to our programs.

We go through this in great, great, great detail with all kinds of different options. We have the Christmas sale going on. It's perfect time when the kids are out of school to really dig into this. Or if you want to do a phone consult with me, look that up as well. Thank you for sharing this podcast with others.

Thank you for working so hard at this. Thank you for letting me be tough with you. Thank you for hanging in there. You're really good moms and dads. And this is hard and it's supposed to be hard. It is because it's causing you to change and grow. And it's going to create a deeper level of love with this child. So if you need, go back and listen, especially that spot where we talked about what this child is really saying to you. And I'll put that, I'll write that in this week's newsletter and you can sign up for that at the website as well. But I'll write that out so maybe you can print it out or you can send it to yourself in an email so you can remember that the next child time your child is really melting down.

What are they really saying to you? All right. Love you all. Talk to you soon. Bye-bye.