Calm Parenting Podcast - What Your Kids Will Remember & What They Will Forget

Episode Date: December 24, 2024

What Your Kids Will Remember & What They Will Forget So how do you respond when your kids are bored or don’t like their gifts? When siblings tattle or fight…or your grown siblings create drama��during family get-togethers? When holiday plans go awry, family judges you? Kirk gives you scripts to use in these tough holiday situations. This is the final week of our Christmas Sale! Visit https://celebratecalm.com/calm-christmas/ to purchase the Get Everything Package at the lowest prices of the year. Get practical strategies that really work with your strong-willed kids. AG1 AG1 is offering new subscribers a FREE $76 gift when you sign up. You’ll get a Welcome Kit, a bottle of D3 & K2 AND 5 free travel packs in your first box. So make sure to check out https://drinkag1.com/calm to see what gift you can get this week! HAPPY MAMMOTH It's time to feel like yourself again, Moms! For a limited time, you can get 15% off on your entire first order at https://store.happymammoth.com/ with the code CALM at checkout. OneSkin OneSkin is the world’s first skin longevity company. Get started today with 15% off using code KIRK at https://oneskin.co.  MeUndies Kids To get 20% off your first order of MeUndies Kids, plus free shipping, go to https://www.meundies.com/calmpod and enter promo code calmpod. MeUndies—comfort from the outside in.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

So the holidays are upon us, but they don't always feel relaxing for moms because they often require Extra work for you leaving you feeling physically and emotionally drained. That's why we really appreciate Happy Mammoth a company dedicated to making women's lives easier through all natural products with really great ingredients Such as hormone harmony hormone harmony contains science-backed herbal extracts called adaptogens. Adaptogens help the body adapt to any stressors like chaotic hormonal changes that happen naturally throughout a woman's life.

Hormone harmony is for any woman with symptoms of hormonal changes such as poor sleep and racing thoughts, night sweats and feeling tired all the time. The biggest benefit, I feel like myself again. That's what women say over and over again in over 30,000 reviews of hormone harmony. It's time to give yourself the gift of feeling like yourself again moms. For a limited time you can get 15% off your entire first order at happymammoth.com with the code CALM at checkout.

That's happymammoth.com with the code CALM. I am so dreading groceries this week. Why? You can skip it. Oh, what? Just like that? Just like that. How about dinner with my third cousin he's a great guy. He's a great guy. He's a great guy. He's a great guy. He's a great guy.

He's a great guy. He's a great guy. He's a great guy. He's a great guy. He's a great guy. He's a great guy. He's a great guy. He's a great guy.

He's a great guy. He's a great guy. He's a great guy. He's a great guy. He's a great guy. He's a great guy. He's a great guy. He's a great guy.

He's a great guy. He's a great guy. He's a great guy. He's a great guy. He's a great guy. it, skip to the good part and get groceries, meals and more delivered right to your door on skip. So our son Casey is about nine at the time. He's in the kitchen on a computer and my wife asks him to take out the trash. Casey responds, just give me a few minutes. And I'm in the other room thinking, no way, because that was a trigger for me. My dad was career military. He was known in our home as the Colonel, so it was a ton of fun growing up and he didn't allow us a few more minutes. So then my stern demanding voice comes echoing through the wall, Casey, now. Dad, just hold on a second. I just need and then I hear my wife say, don't worry, I've got it. And see, that triggered me because, see, my wife had to run interference between her strong-willed son and strong-willed husband who couldn't control himself.

And a lot of moms are put in that position of taking, constantly taking the temperature of the home. And so I had put my wife in this uncomfortable position where she had to manage the emotions of our son so that I wouldn't get really upset at him. She was the referee and that was an awful place to be. And from my point of view, it was embarrassing. I'm a grown man. I'm successful in the corporate world at the time. I can handle this.

I don't need you running interference for us. It was embarrassing to me. So then I finally get up out of my chair. No way is my wife going to rescue this lazy, undisciplined kid who can't even follow simple directions. So I walk into the kitchen. Casey, you take the trash out right now or I'm going to throw that stupid computer off the deck. See, I'm a guy and sometimes we as guys, we like to bark consequences that we can't actually keep. So Casey looks at me with this little tear in his eyes, Dad, all I needed was another minute. Fine, I'm done. And then he stomps toward the trash can but I cut him off because I was really really good at escalating situations. You know what you're never gonna be

successful in life if you can't follow simple directions. Dad just let me do it. He was pleading to me and I refused because I was digging in so he runs off upstairs and then I hear him slam the door and that's another trigger right because then I want to go bang on the door I work hard every day to earn money to pay for that door you don't have to respect me but you're gonna respect my door all those stupid parenting things that we say when we're upset so then what would happen well then I stomp downstairs ready to complain yet again to my wife about her son and how

disrespectful he was. But when I get downstairs, I find this note on the floor. Dad, I bought you a birthday card, but I wanted you to actually be able to read what I wrote. He had really bad handwriting. So I'm typing this because my handwriting isn't so good. The reason I'm a little late is that I had to finish up a school project tonight. My teacher told us we had to write about our favorite superhero, but I told her I don't have one.

I told her, you're my superhero and I want to be like you. She told me I wasn't following the directions to just pick a superhero. I got mad and told her no I don't like Superman or Spider-Man. They aren't real. They don't work hard like you do. They don't take me on special trips like you. Get up at 5 a.m. on weekends after working all week to take me to a cold ice rink and watch Even though I don't get to play much because I'm not a good athlete like you were So the reason I was on the computer was that I wanted to tell you that I'm glad you're my dad And I'm lucky because my superhero is my dad

And I hope I can be like you one day and make you proud. I love you dad Happy birthday Casey and that was my wake-up call as a father and I began to see the little boy that I loved and I did Love him and I was you know, I was a good dad. I don't want to make this sound like oh just as an abusive Rampaging dad. I was kind of a typical dad who couldn't control himself all the time and I was very reactive. I spent a lot of time with Casey, but it always, I always seemed to escalate things and pick on the negative things, but I could feel him at that time really pulling away from me. And at first I blamed him because he was a difficult kid,

a tough kid. He didn't do what I asked or what I wanted or expected. And he kept going to my wife when I thought he should be coming to me for advice. And so when I brought that up to my wife, I remember her saying this, would you want to come to you? And it was soon after that that the real changes began. See I was raised with the my way or highway approach The problem was my son just needed to tow the line to shape up to obey when I asked how I asked without hesitation and I would go for these long walks and I'd ask like why are we given such a difficult child? I

Wanted my son to change but then I finally began to listen instead of just talking and ranting about him. And when I did, I heard three questions inside. And I hope you find this episode of the Calm Parenting podcast. I hope you find this encouraging. So the first question was this. What if there's nothing wrong with your son? What if he is made this way on purpose? And I hadn't really considered that in some ways because everybody kept telling us he was defective, that he had disorders, he had that alphabet soup of labels like ADHD, OCD, ODD, and I've been trying to fix him in subtle and not so subtle ways and it was making it worse and There's a point at which you have to say this is the child that I have been given

You have to raise the child you have not the one you wanted and the second question was What if by trying to change your son you are frustrating my purposes for him? See, I've been looking at all these traits through a negative prism. He's so defiant. He doesn't listen. He's too emotional, too intense. He's demanding. And I'm not saying you let your kids get away with things just because that's who they are,

but you can't change their very nature. And with the luxury of hindsight now, I realize that all those traits that irritated us most are the very traits we respect now, and that make him successful in the adult world. See, that intensity is such a great trait to have, but now he has some self-control mixed in with it so he doesn't lose control when he gets intense. That intensity what drives him to accomplish so many things personally and professionally. He's able to speak up and be assertive and his bosses appreciate that quality because he isn't afraid to take an unpopular stance or try a different path.

They know when he speaks they can count on him and that strong sense of justice that many of your kids have. See that leads him to watch out for and protect those who are more vulnerable to do what's right even when it's hard. And that's why the people who work for him really look up to him because he's always watching out for them and they know he's a strong person and he will go in and talk to management on their behalf. See sometimes people pleasers, compliant kids won't do that. This is a kid who walks with a purpose. In fact, he never really walked. I joke. Our son marched.

He came out of the womb with boxing gloves on and that communicates this is someone who can get stuff done. See, we never had to worry about peer pressure with Casey. He was the peer pressure. And though he was bossy as a kid, he's a fantastic leader now. And I always like to joke that Casey's so good at handling conflict now because he caused so much as a kid. But the truth is, he was always relentless when we had a falling out.

He would relentlessly pursue me and say, Dad, we need to talk. And see, I would put it off because when I was a kid, conflict was a really bad thing. That means my dad was hitting my mom or my older brothers, and so I avoided hard situations. But Casey was relentless in arguing and in reconciling. And all those deep talks help him now resolve conflict at his job and they help him and will help him handle marriage stuff way better than most of us ever learned to do. So don't be afraid of these traits that your kids have. They will ultimately be really good

things that you'll appreciate. And then the third question was this. What if instead of trying to change your son, you're the one who needs to change? And I wrestled with that one for a long time. But then I finally owned the fact that there is only one person in life that you can control yourself, myself, and trying to control other human beings or situations leads to frustration and broken relationships. And the quickest way to change your child's behavior is to first control your own. And when I finally humbled myself after being humiliated, because it is humiliating to be a grown man or woman and and your family's watching you and you're melting down yourself. That's humiliating. But when you can finally own that, it changed my entire life and then all of that

energy that I had been putting into trying to change him, I then began putting into changing myself. I was ruthless in this. It became the basis for the 30 Days to Calm program. If you have that, our programs, we've got it on Christmas sale, but if you have the programs, go through that program. It's one of the first ones I would do because you're focusing on changing yourself. And that is what ultimately changed our family. I was able to break the generational patterns inherited from my dad and create a new family

tree. That's what we're after. That's the adventure I'm calling you to join me on as we get ready for 2025. Because that's when my son finally felt the acceptance of his father. It's when a young dad, it's when I finally was transformed into a grown-up. But you are going to go through probably some stages of grief and I want to share this with you so you know that you're not alone and so that you know you're on the right path.

Get groceries delivered across the GTA from real Canadian superstore with PC so that you know you're on the right path. Good things come to those who plan ahead. Family vacay? Reserve your ride as soon as you book your flights. To all the planners, now you can reserve your Uber ride up to 90 days in advance. See Uber app for details. So at first I was just in denial that anything needed to be addressed. Eh, he's just a boy. Everything's going to be okay. And then that turned into denial that I had a problem. He just needs to shape up and listen to me.

I'm the authority figure here. He's just being difficult on purpose. And there was always a sense of helplessness in all of this. Like, what do we do? And I bet you felt that. And with that comes a sense of isolation and being judged by others. It is a rough path. Then came anger and resentment.

Looking back, I think I got angry at Casey because this situation was forcing me to dig deep emotionally and wrestle with all my preconceived ideas about parenting, about my own lack of self-control, about my anger, about my religious assumptions and upbringing. Look, work's easy for me. I can work 24-7. I can pound that out. But this emotional work is hard. It's exhausting. I had to learn relationship skills that I'd never had before. Now, when I look back, I'm grateful for a strong-willed child. They're like a live-in therapist who are going to push all of your buttons.

And that forced me to grow up and become a different person. That's the path that you're on. And I respect you for digging into that. One of the stages of grief is bargaining. And I did what a lot of men and people do. I reverted back to what I knew and how I was raised and I doubled down on the harsh discipline trying to force it and make all of this go away. It was kind of like my last-ditch attempt to keep me from being the one who had the change and this was kind of like a quick

final gasp of desperation. Now when we get to death depression it wasn't that for me it was more a sense of helplessness. Here I am, a grown man. I know how to get things done in the corporate world. I can get life done. But with our own child, nothing worked. No one understood. We tried consequence.

We tried fighting his nature and nothing worked. And after we reached the end of our rope, well that's when acceptance came. And I remember a turning point. It was we were at a hockey rink and a kid skated past Casey. Casey was playing defense and his kid skated by him and scored a goal. And Casey went and kind of tapped him with a stick and said, hey good goal. And I was like, no you're gonna put that kid's head through the glass. I was a freak. I was super competitive as a kid. But my son wasn't.

And I remember being at that south end of that ice rink and I remember thinking, this is my son. This is the son I've been given. He's not me. And when I finally accepted Casey as he was and stopped trying to change his nature to make it more comfortable to meet for me, stop trying to change his nature because I wanted him to do things the way I did them. That's what set off a radical change and for many of you, one of your biggest struggles is

accepting this child on a very deep level. And until you do that, nothing will really change because your kids know that and they can feel that. And I know many of you are in the middle of this process right now and it's hard. And I always get asked, well, but when I apologize to my kids, isn't that showing weakness? What are my kids going to think if they see me changing like this? It's kind of humiliating. And I'll answer it this way.

And I hope this helps. Case and I were hiking recently and I kind of was just asking him casually about his childhood memories and what he remembers from Christmas when he was a kid. Like, what were your favorite gifts you ever got? And one of the cool things about some of these hikes with Casey is that they're very, very intense. They're hard. And you face obstacles together.

So there's a little bit of a bonding thing. But by the end of the day, you're just exhausted. And so you're usually a little bit more vulnerable emotionally and you just start talking. And that's why for many of you, I love car rides after dark with your child. Late night walks in the neighborhood taking older kids out where you can do some of your work and they can do their schoolwork at Buffalo

Wild Wings or IHOP or wherever you like at 9 o'clock or 10 o'clock at night. Because that car ride home is often really magical because you're there in the dark. You're both tired. So when I asked Casey about that, here's what he said. He said, Dad, I don't really remember any gifts. I was usually over them in like three hours or three days or three months. They seemed important to me in the moment, but then they weren't. The stuff I remember most from my childhood were the things I actually saved my money to get because that meant something to me. He was big

into guitar and he actually saved for this kind of custom-made guitar and paid every penny of it he paid himself. And he said that required an investment and it's always been valuable to me but none of the stuff you got me. He said I remember all of our experiences together going places, you taking me to see hockey games, sitting in the stands and actually being patient because I was doing something I loved. I remember all the Saturday mornings where we went and test drove cars because I was passionate about it, even though I know you hated it. So moms and dads remember experiences with these kids are far more powerful than stuff. You can save a lot of money that way, but it's not really about the money.

It's about the memories. And those are really, really important. And what he said at the end was the really kind of crucial part for me. He said, what I remember most from childhood that has lasted is watching you work hard to change yourself right in front of me. He said, I knew your dad. I only experienced him as his grandson and that wasn't a lot of fun, so I can't imagine growing up with a dad like that.

I know who you came from and yet I saw you wrestle with these ideas and all that church stuff, all the deeply ingrained beliefs, and I know it was hard, and I saw and heard you be open to trying even though you didn't always want to. I heard you swear at yourself for messing up again and again because I did." Right? And this is the moment in our conversation where he kind of lightened it a little bit and he said, well, dad, that's where I learned how that's where I learned your good curse words dad, because that's how our kids are right? They see patterns, they're they're paying attention to things they watch, they observe a lot.

And so he was watching all of this and it's really interesting. In this conversation, he never once said, dad, you know what, I know you really worked hard for us as a family, so we could have a good life. Like he said that before and thanked me. But that's not his enduring memory that I was a hard worker. It was that I worked hard on changing myself. And then he went on and he said, I know you cried. And I know you cursed at yourself for being an idiot.

And I know you bit your tongue so many times when you would have been justified laying into me, but I know you did that for me, and you're a different man now than when I was little, and you were different in my teen years, and I watched that, and that's why I respect you now, and we have a relationship few kids get with their mom or dad and my friends even look at you as their substitute dad sometimes and they have no idea

what it took you to get to this point but I do and we walked on quietly for another few minutes and I kind of like that that will just crush you inside in a good way, right? And there's all those feelings of like, man, I wish I would have changed sooner. How much pain did I cause him when he was little? But then there's the gratification that comes after that. And as we got to the end of the trail, he said, you know, dad, all that said,

I'd still like some of that backcountry ski gear for Christmas, because that's who our kids are Right they can be really deep But they are always assertive about what they want and so what I want you to encourage you with is this See this as an adventure and when you get you get to become a new person Who can finally control yourself who doesn't have to talk all the time who doesn't lecture all the time who can kind of shut up? In that moment and after the new year I'm gonna do two podcasts on how to finally kind of shut up. When you can finally control

your own anxiety, your perfectionism, your reactions, I want that to be the goal in the new year. It's not going to be the new year is about getting our kids to behave. I can teach you that stuff, right? I can show you how to change kids behavior. That's not really that difficult. In fact, I'll give you a challenge. I'm getting a ton of emails from people saying, hey, we're letting our kids listen to your programs and they're actually taking ownership of their own behavior because they feel understood now and they have ideas. So over the holidays when you have downtime you listen to the programs. Let your kids listen to them. Have open and honest

conversations about the content and the ideas that you're hearing because on the podcast, I love our podcast, but our programs, we get to go into so much more depth with different options. Use the time over the holidays to help kids understand how their brains are made, to be vulnerable with them and say, hey, in 2025, what are two things as your mom, as your dad, that I could change that would really help in the home? Ask your kids that and see what they say. And as long as they're not just being super disrespectful, own that and work on it and let them see you change.

Because the powerful part about listening to the programs together is, it's not about like, well, we got these courses so that we can change your behavior. No, they're gonna see like, wait, you're doing this to change yourself? That's very powerful. So I have immense respect you're doing this to change yourself. That's very powerful So I have immense respect for you doing this work if we can help in any way if you need help financially reach out to Casey

We want to help and we want you to be changed. So Let's go into the new year ready to roll on this stuff. Alright, love you all talk to you soon. Bye. Bye