Calm Parenting Podcast - When Kids Have Bad Moods

Episode Date: February 9, 2021

When Kids Have Bad MoodsYou walk into the room and your child is irritable, crabby, making negative comments. You naturally react and try to change or fix your child’s mood. And then it devolves into yelling, hurt feelings, separation. So how can you turn these battles into bonding moments and positive memories with the child you love (but don’t always like!)? Kirk shows you how. Our Valentine's Day Sale Ends This Weekend! You get 60% OFF the Calm Parenting Package-this includes 30 hours of scripts and ideas plus the Marriage Mentoring program FREE. Get the Calm Parenting Package or the Get Everything Package. You have a choice in 2021. You can GROW UP or GROW APART. Tell your husband THIS is what you REALLY want for Valentine's Day. Want personal mentoring with Kirk via Phone? Click here to learn about mentoring packages. Questions? Need help deciding on the best tools for your family? Email [e-mail] and Casey will help you personally!  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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and they're irritable and it's just grating on you? Well good, welcome to parenting and welcome to the Calm Parenting Podcast. That's what we're going to talk about today on this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. If you need help with anything, reach out to us. Email Casey, C-A-S-E-Y at CelebrateCalm.com. Tell us about your family, what's going on. You're not a number. You're a real person who's struggling, and we are here to help, and we will come up with some ideas. And if you're interested in any of our resources, we'll put together a specific customized package within your budget.

And if you don't want to go through all that, just go to the website. We've got awesome specials that will really walk you through this step by step. So here's what we're going to talk about today. And I want to keep this very, very focused on one specific thing I want you to work on this week. And it's this. I want you to practice allowing your child to be in a bad mood without it affecting your mood. And yes, it's really hard, but it's really important and really worth it

because I want you to get to the place where you can allow your child to live in a bad mood without having you to join in it, without having you to fix it or to try to change it or make it all better. I want you to just be able to live with it. Now this is really hard and I understand that. But watch what happens if we don't do this. You walk into the room, your daughter's in a bad mood. It will automatically change your tone. When you sense her bad mood, how many of you do this right away? First thing in the morning, you walk into your child's bedroom and they are immediately gruff and they grumble, and they're not in a good mood. And instantly you react to it.

No blame, no guilt. It's just what we do. But you change your tone, even in a subtle or not so subtle way. You change how you speak to her. Well, she picks up on that. It then triggers her like, what? And what are they going to say? What?

Why are you yelling at me? You're not yelling at them, but your tone is. And they sensed your disappointment and your frustration. That then triggers them further. And what happens? Vicious, vicious cycle going back and forth. And I want to break that because it leads to so many sabotaged moments and hurt and broken relationships. And it's not necessary, right? I want you to practice this. And let me give you a couple ideas here. Think about this in terms of, oh, I just don't want to mention this. Parents all the time. Well, I just want my daughter to, I want my son to be grateful. So I just lecture them about being grateful. Please stop. Stop trying to change

their mood and trying to make them grateful. If you want your kids to be grateful, you live with gratitude and let them see you live your life. That's your best lecture. Do you like it when your spouse comes home and you've had a bad day and you're talking and your spouse like, oh honey, you just need to be grateful. And you're like, oh thanks, appreciate that. But no, we don't like people fixing our moods. Let me go do a brief thing on marriage. So, or relationships, marriage, whatever you want to call it. Not whatever you want to call it, but some of you are married, some are not are not whatever some of you are divorced and you're going to be in a new relationship and it's partly look nobody I'm doing a little marriage stuff in here because if I do just a marriage podcast nobody listens

because it's really hard and everybody kind of gives up on it but if I do parenting and I throw this in maybe you'll listen to hear this because it's more important than you possibly think look it's why we're giving away we're giving away our marriage program with the Calm Parenting Package during February. Because we really want people to listen to it because it's really, really good. And most of your husbands will not go to marriage therapy because it feels like they're being teamed up on. And it's not practical and it's really expensive. And we made our program so it's safe for men because you got to have your, got to get your hubby involved. Or if you're divorced, go through it so you can not mess, make the same mistakes you made in the first marriage, right? Not that it's your fault,

the first divorce, but we all have our issues and it's better to work on it. So I would walk into a room or wake up in the morning and my wife would not be in a great mood. And so I would instantly ask, honey, is there anything wrong? Is there anything I can do to help you? Was I really concerned with how she was feeling? The true answer is not really. The truth was when she wasn't in a good mood, it made me really uncomfortable. And I felt like I needed to change it or I needed to fix it. And that's why men often dismiss things. Oh, honey,

there's no need to be upset. Why? Because that makes us really uncomfortable or we're dismissive because we live in denial, right? There's nothing wrong with our son. We don't need that. That's a typical guy kind of thing that I used to do as well, right? Or we do the thing of like, oh, honey, you're just overreacting. Again, it's the same thing. Your mood makes me really uncomfortable and I want you to fix. Look, what I was really saying to my wife was, I need you to fix and change your mood because if you don't, it's going to ruin my day. I'm not really concerned about how you're feeling. I just want you to stop it because I can't deal with it.

Whereas a mature person, which took me a while, but a mature person can say, hey, honey, I'm completely comfortable. If you need time alone today, anytime. If you just want to have a day where you are reflective, melancholy, in a bad mood, upset, you're a grown woman. You can have a bad day if you want. How many of us like to throw? I like occasionally to have a pity party. You know those days where you wake up and you kind of just feel sorry for yourself and I don't know why? I live in it. Now, again, these things aren't like every day and we're not talking about depression.

We're talking about occasionally just, I want to have a bad day and I don't want someone to fix it, right? Like, well, what's the matter? Do you want to talk about it? No, I really just want to have a day where I'm melancholy because sometimes that gets to deeper things in me. And now watch the other maturity. See, here's part of it, which is, honey, if you need space and you're welcome. If you want to have a bad day, completely comfortable. Now, if you need me to listen to you or if you want to talk, I'm happy to listen, preferably at halftime, but I am happy to listen, right? And I'm available, but I'm not going to fix you and I don't need to fix you. You know how liberating that is for a couple to not have each other trying to do that awkward dance and try to fix each other. Now, the other side of maturity is for the other spouse to say, hey, honey, I just want you to know I don't feel that great today, or I'm kind of in a bad mood,

or I'm struggling with something. It's not you. You don't need to fix it. You don't need to change anything. And I just need a little bit of time alone today. But don't worry. I just want to live in this and everything's good and just enjoy your day. Now that's being assertive and being mature as well. That's liberating for a couple, right? So let's say with your child, this is what I want you to practice this week. Allow the child to be in a bad mood. Just allow it, right? And just live with it. So let me give you an example. This was a phone consultation. So the mom is having this little dance with her daughter, right? Like this whole thing going back and forth.

And the daughter tends to be a little bit moody and prickly, right? You've got kids like that. So they wanted to play cards. So the mom was being assertive and said, well, play cards. You just need to go get the cards. Well, the daughter didn't want to get the cards, right? I don't want to get it, right? And what usually happens, we're like, well, honey, if you can, you know what, if you're not going to get the cards, then we're just not going to play. And now

we have this little cycle going again. So here's what happened. She asked her daughter to get the cards. The daughter refused and made a snide comment. What's perfectly fine to say in a very even tone, even a cheerful tone. Honey, I'd love to play cards with you, but you need to get the cards. And if the daughter refuses, then live with it. And if she stomps off to her room in a bad mood, don't be upset about it. Don't try to change it and don't worry about it. Let her own her own moods and you own yours. And if she doesn't want to play, be okay with that. And you go and do something else that you enjoy that brings you peace. Sit and read a book. Do something you probably don't have much time to do. And I guarantee

if you watch how this usually works, you give your child some space, she's up in a room, and we've talked about this with discipline before. Your mood does not determine my mood. Your behavior does not change my behavior. You can be in a bad mood. It's not my job to fix it. You can be bored. I'm not your circus clown. It's not my job to make you happy. It's not my job to solve your boredom for you. This is very liberating for the child and for you as the parent. But picture this. Child comes downstairs a little while later, grabs the cards, brings them, and kind of throws them down on the table in a slightly disrespectful way, right?

Your kids do that. And here's your moment of decision. You can either go with the typical response was, you know what, honey? You know, if you're, can you hear that? Can you, did that tone not irritate you when I just started with it? And you're like, that's icky.

Yeah, well, that's what you and I do. Honey, you know, see, it's that lecturing. It's hectoring. You know, if you're not going to play if you're not going to have a good attitude and you're just going to throw the cards down well then I'm not going to play with you now I get it but it was it's kind of a test and she's still working through it because you have a child who is like this and she's probably been like this since she was born she was probably colicky. She was probably always,

it's hard. So instead of reacting, you pick up the cards and you start dealing. Does this mean that you're happy inside and that you love your child and it's all bubbly and bubbles and roses, and I don't even know what that means, but it's all happiness. No, you're irritated inside because why can't she be grateful? You were actually, you actually didn't try to change your mood this time. She has to come down and slap the card down on the table. And now you're getting, oh. So yeah, inside you're like that. Yeah, you want to wring her neck, but you don't. And you don't react to it you bite your lip right hard and you deal the cards and you start to play and you don't allow her mood to dictate or change your mood and I guarantee you if you can do that a couple minutes later because your daughter's working through this

you just led her to a different place not not by changing her, fixing her, but simply by controlling your own mood. And you know what will happen then? You'll end up having a great time, won't you? Because this has happened before. You'll have a really good time. But it wasn't pleasant to begin with. It wasn't even pleasant in the middle of it. But by the end of it, you and your daughter just bonded and had a wonderful time. And it all happened not because you fixed her mood and not because you lectured her about the need for gratitude and not because you went up to her room and sat and talked to her and lectured her, but because you sat there and you controlled your own mood instead of fixing hers. And when she came down in a bad mood,

you didn't react. You engaged her where she was. You stayed right in the moment and you dealt the cards. And then you had a good time and you get to end that with, hey, I really, I enjoyed that, honey. And she's like, I don't know. I don't care. Well, you cheated. Right. And they'll figure, they will figure a way. You're like, oh, we just bonded. It was almost pleasant for like three minutes. And then she, again, that's our job, right? So I want you to work on that this week. Control yourself. Spouses, stop trying to fix each other and change each other and live with it and live with the discomforts. And you'll see things change in your home more quickly than you can possibly imagine.

And it's liberating for all of you. And write this down. Send yourself a note imprinted on your forehead, on your heart. I will not allow my child's moods to dictate or change my mood. Here's another one. I will not allow my child's mood to separate me from my child. That's big, isn't it? Right? I accept her choice to be in a bad mood without me having to fix it or change it. That will change your relationships. If we can help you with that, and we can, we can, just going to have to go through, right? You go through the programs, you go through it methodically, your emails, and I will mentor you through that. If you want to call me, set that up. We can go through it,

but you can get this all through the programs and we will give you the marriage program free. So you can begin working on this or as a single person work on it so that you're prepared for the next relationship so we don't sabotage that one. Does that make sense? Email us kccaseywhitecelebratecom.com. Please share the podcast if you find it helpful. This week, this week, one thing only, this is what we're working on. Do not fix their moods. Control your own mood. Do not allow your child's mood to dictate or change your mood. That's a big goal.

That's awesome. And I believe that you can do it. And you're going to mess up and that's okay. Get back on the horse and try it again. And that's part of the whole process of learning how to do this. And I'm proud of you for trying. Let us know if we can help you. Love you all.

Bye-bye.