Calm Parenting Podcast - When To Be Tough Or Make Exceptions for Behavior Issues? Change Behavior, NOT Your Child’s Nature.

Episode Date: October 27, 2020

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Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash k Kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. So you know we are very purposeful about how we manage our emotions and take care of our bodies because we only have one body and one skin. That's why we love OneSkin. Their products make it easy to keep your skin healthy while looking and feeling your best. We use the face topical supplement and love that there's no complicated routine,

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probably argue all the time about these kids because you've been told, right, like, well, you just lay out your expectations and your rules and a clear consequence and you're firm and you follow through on your consequence and your kids will behave. And you did that for your compliant rule following kids and it worked. And then you tried it on your strong will child and it didn't work and it never will work. In fact, that child's going to turn it around you and say, oh yeah, mom, well, here's the consequence I'm going to give you.

How many of you have had kids who have done that? It is awesome. So what we're going to talk about today, it's going to be really important, is when to be tough, when to be soft, because it's really difficult. So that's what we're going to discuss today on the Calm Parenting Podcast. Welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at celebratecalm.com. If you need help with anything, contact our strong-willed son, Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, at CelebrateCalm.com. He will help you book a live event. This week, we're live in Ohio and Indianapolis for live events, and we're booking events all across the country.

We would internationally, but we're not allowed to go anywhere else. But we can help you with anything that you're struggling with. Email us. Tell us about your kids, your family, what they're struggling with. We will provide tips and ideas. We will provide recommendations on resources. We'll work within your budget. We'll get you exactly what you need to help change your family for generations to come because that's what we're about.

So a lot of phone consultations this week, and I noticed a common theme coming across because in a lot of these we had mom and dad on the phone, and it's awesome because you can hear them see the same situation in two different ways. And then part of what I'm able to do because I'm an outsider is look from the outside in and provide some balance here and provide perspective and help each of them. So here's what was going on in this. I'm going to use kind of a composite of many different families here and situations, but they all had the same theme. And one of these, most of it, here's what we're talking about. Really bright kids who I would say, if I had to describe

them, are not defiant kids, although their behavior is often defined. The outward behavior is defined, but inside, they're really frustrated kids, right? These are really bright kids. And one in particular, he's into science. He's into cooking. He likes talking about global power struggles, about religion, about the future of electric vehicles and sustainable energy. That's a bright kid. And that's probably a very frustrated kid because he's curious and he's always asking questions. And so we're going through about 10 different behaviors and 10 different situations that we wanted to make improvements in. And so one thing that hit me as we started going through it is this, and I hope you will hear this in the right way, is it's as a kid,

hear it from the kid's perspective. As a kid, it feels like you're not just trying to change my behavior. It's like you're trying to change my very nature, right? Because I wake up and this is who I am. This is what, this is all I've ever known, right? My mind starts going and I've got all these ideas and I'm curious about global power struggles and religion and science. And my brain wants to follow what I'm curious about because that's how it's designed to work. And I've got all this, maybe I've got all this physical energy in my body. My body wants this sensory pressure on it. It's not like they chose it. It's not like they chose to be like this. Although if they could, they should, because it's an awesome way to be, right? And I don't want

to change these kids, right? So stick with me on this. So this is all I've ever known. This is how my brain works. This is how my body works best. And then you stick me in this arbitrary setting that I didn't choose, school, with all kinds of arbitrary rules that seem to limit my curiosity, that seem to fight against

my very nature. And then the next thing I know, I'm only four, I'm five in preschool, I'm eight, I'm 12, I'm 15, and I find myself getting in trouble all the time. And in my own mind, I'm getting in trouble because for who I am, not necessarily what I'm doing, but this is who I am. And I don't know any different. And eventually a couple things happen. One is that curiosity that came just with me inside of me gets stamped out and I kind of have to choose. Do I give in to get along so people like me? Because imagine how this feels when you're a kid. Look, you and I are 30, 40, 50. We've been around for a while. So we've got a little bit of self awareness and we can look back on our lives and see trends and how we went through things but if I'm five or eight or fourteen and all of a sudden I wake up and every day it's kind of like my parents are upset at me teachers aren't always thrilled with

me I don't get along with kids my own age what do you think that feels like right what are they supposed to do and you we wonder why these kids are angry we wonder why these kids are angry. We wonder why these kids pick on their siblings, why they're defiant at times. If you think about it, it makes perfect sense why they would feel like that, right? You kind of get that. I'm not making excuses for it. And we will get to changing their behavior, but stick with me on this. So I've got to choose now. So do I just kind of give in, get along with people so they like me? Or do I develop this edge, this outwardly defiant kind of oppositional shell to protect what I hold most dear, my independence? Remember, we've been talking about the need for ownership. Look, I know you get irritated when I say this,

but if you have not listened to the Strong-Willed Child program, you must because you have to understand what it feels like to be like that because it will change how you view your child and how you help your child. And if you don't want to do the Calm Parenting Package, because that's too many things, at least get the no BS program. I just took everything, 25 action steps, and I made it for $99. It's cheaper than therapy. It's cheaper than all the testing and everything else. And we cut right to the heart of things in it to know what's going on. But you have to understand what it feels like and what's inside

because we misunderstand these kids at our peril and at their peril, right? Because can you imagine, look, your kids are already, some of you have little kids, it's already happening. And some of you have teenagers and it's already happened. And then you're going to have to go in and rebuild that. And you can, and it happens very quickly if you learn going to have to go in and rebuild that and you can and it happens very quickly if you learn how to understand what's going on right but but look so do i give in or do i develop the shell so i what i i hold so i can so i can protect what i hold most dear my independence my curiosity the very essence of who i am and And then in some cases, we go and take them to specialists, and sometimes you need to do that, but sometimes we take them to too many different people,

and it feels like we're trying to fix them. And sometimes they have to take a pill or do something else, and they don't like it because it changes who I am, how I feel, just to fit in. So my question is, don't we owe it to the child to try to change what is arbitrary first instead of changing him or her? See, if I'm a teacher and this kid walks in my classroom, look, I know they're more challenging. I know that. We've trained hundreds of thousands of teachers. We've been in the classrooms. It's difficult. I get it. But if this child walks into my classroom, oh, I'm going to give this child lots of jobs. I'm going to challenge him because he's really bright. I'm going to give him grown-up responsibilities. I'm always going to, listen, I could really use your help. I'm going to have him teach other kids in the classroom. I'm going to encourage the curiosity within my boundaries. Look, Jacob, I love your

curiosity. That curiosity, man, I wish all the other kids were as curious as you because you've got this brain that never stops moving. You've got all these ideas and you get really excited about your ideas and that's going to take you so far in life and you're going to invent cool things and you're going to change. You're going to change society because you question things. And I want to encourage that. But what I want you to know is you can't blurt out my class. I don't want you to blurt out. But what I do want to do is this. I want you to know I love your curiosity and I know why you blurt out because you get all these awesome ideas, but you struggle with short-term memory and that's okay. But when you, then you're afraid you're going to forget what your idea. So you blurt out my class. And so that's okay. But when you, then you're afraid you're going to forget what your

idea. So you blurred out my class. And so that's unacceptable in my class. So I'm going to give you these three talk tickets and I'm going to give them some little tickets that I make up. This stuff costs nothing to do. It's just giving kids tools to succeed rather than punishing them for failure all the time. Let me say it again. Instead of punishing kids for failure all the time, we need to proactively give them tools. So I hand them little cardboard things. I don't care what they are. It can be a little piece of paper. It can be cardboard, whatever. I'm giving you three talk tickets. And Jacob, when you get one of your awesome ideas, instead of blurting out, instead, hold up one of your tickets. I will either say, zip, hold it till after class

because I believe that you're capable, or go ahead, redeem one of your tickets. You get three a day. One of your tickets, share your amazing off-topic idea because it's always going to be off-topic, right? And then I get to affirm him for that. And now I'm giving him a tool. And every time he holds up the talk ticket, what he just demonstrated was some self-control and impulse control. So no, I'm not talking about, well, just like that's the way they're made. Just let them do whatever they want. No, I didn't say that. I'm going to give them tools within my boundaries, but I'm going to show them how to use the very essence of who they are and succeed rather than punishing them their entire childhood. That will change their behavior, but it doesn't change who they are. He still gets

to be a curious kid who asks questions. I'm just funneling that and channeling that in positive ways, right? And it is harder to teach and raise these kids. But what's your alternative? Change them so it's easier for you, for teachers, for society? No, we have to change. We're the adults. And if you have an older child in middle or high school, we're going to have to do some repair work on that, right? And we're going to have to apologize, and we're going to have to feed that curiosity. on that right and we're going to have to apologize and we're going to have to feed that curiosity and I do encourage you go through the no bs program because we go through 25 extra steps to show you how to do it so now we're getting into this phone consultation now this is interesting this is where we pivot a little bit and so mom and dad have been

awesome so far on this they're like okay we can change we're going to give them some tools and around the house we're going to give them make things a challenge and we're going to create successes. And I'm like, good, good. Thank you. Thank you. Let's give them some intensity. Let's create the obstacle course outside, right? So then we get to this fact that the kid won't brush his teeth or flush the toilet. So I give a couple ideas, right? Because some kids have sensory issues around brushing their teeth and we can make it fun for eight-year-olds and little kids of having a contest at bedtime. And you go outside and brush your teeth and see who can get the most foam and then spit it off the deck. And that's kind of fun. And sometimes that works. And the dad's like, nope, not doing

it. I'm drawing the line there. No, I do not want my child being homeless. And I was like, good, good. Let me give you a little perspective. Even if your child doesn't flush the toilet, it's probably not going to lead to homelessness. But yes, I agree. And what I wanted to affirm in this dad was to know your limits, know where you do draw the line. But because the kid won't brush his teeth and flush the toilet, that's not changing the essence of who he is, right? That's changing behavior. And so drawing the line there is actually really smart and good because we're going to change two specific behaviors. Now, with most of your kids and with this family, there were about five different things. And I was like, we're not changing all five at the same time. Let's go for two because what we want is progress, not perfection. And so during

the phone consultations, we try to be creative and I try to really, really tap in and come up with some creative things. And so I was like, brush and flush, brush and flush. There you go. There is our theme for the next week week I want you to print it out from your computer make a little sign put it on the refrigerator around the house brush and flush brush and flush up in the child's bathroom brush and flush so this child gets to be on screen so many minutes a day and so now if you want to be tough here's how we're tough with kids hey um screen time today listen no screen time unless we brush and flush. That's all I'm asking. Brush and flush. It's just the way we roll in the home. Short and sweet. No

lectures about how important it is to brush your teeth. And if you don't brush your teeth, you're going to get cavities and it's going to cost a lot of money. And if you don't flush your toilet, you're going to be homeless one day, right? There's no explanation here. You don't need to explain why he needs to brush and flush. It's just you're saying, this is where I draw the line in my home and these are the minimal expectations that you will brush and flush. And I like short and sweet. So when that child comes the next day and he wants to get on his screens or whatever he wants to do, hey, brush and flush, brush and flush. Do we brush and flush? Because if you don't brush and flush, no screens. Just the way I roll. And notice I'm not going to do the whole thing here because I want to keep this short and I want to keep us focused on the right things today. When I say no

and when I discipline and when I'm doing something negative, there's no energy to it. I drain the energy. Yeah, just brush and flush my friend. But I don't want to, I don't want to, but I don't want to do, that's not fair. Brush and flush my friends, it's the way I roll in my home. It's just the way I roll. Like you brush, you flush, you get to be able to play on your screens. You brush or flush, you get to go outside. You get to play with your friends. No brush, no flush, no fun. That's the way I roll. That's stupid. That's the dumbest rule. Brush and flush is stupid. I'm going to brush and flush you. I don't care what they say. Don't react to it. They're kids trying to push your buttons. You know what? Brush and flush is actually a really creative solution we came up to do that no you don't have to respond

because look the when you respond they know they have you and that's why they do it because you continually try to justify everything so look where we just went in what we've only been on 15 minutes and 37 seconds on this podcast we went from understanding your child in the essence of who he is and giving them tools to change and tools to use his essence so they could be successful. And now we're being tough. Now we're being straightforward, my friend, brush and flush. You can do the same thing in the same conversation in the same day. That's why it's a little bit harder. And that's why I want you to listen to our stuff so that you can get this inside of you and know, how do you do this? You don't look at one more thing on this, the brush and flush. I'm not going to lecture and I'm not going to get

upset. Like, you know what? You never listened to us. If you would just listen, you don't, why do you have to, we don't have to do all that. We don't have to do all that. Brush and flush, my friend. And I stick to it until he finally learns, fine, I'll brush my stupid teeth. Is he going to do it with a good attitude? Probably not. Is he going to brush? Is he going to figure out a weird way to brush his teeth? Probably. Is he going to flush his toilet using his toes? Probably. I don't care. You brush, you flush, and everything's good. And now I can say, fist bump, nice job, my friend. Enjoy a little screen time. And we get some success. And then we work on another one or two behaviors in the home. But I'm not changing the

essence of who my child is. I'm just changing a couple specific behaviors and I'm holding firm and I don't feel like I'm giving in because I'm not giving in in any sense of the word. I'm using the best parts of the nature of how he is wired. I'm using his brain. There's so much we could do, but I'm going gonna stop this. So if we can help you with this, if we can help you with this, reach out to us, Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, at celebratecalm.com. You can book live events.

He will help you. Go to the website, Celebrate Calm. You can find, you can book a conversation with me, a phone call with me. You can do the No BS program. We have the Calm Parenting Package on sale. They get everything packaged. You get everything in there

and we can help you with that we can work within your budget we exist we are here to serve you to change because we want you to enjoy your kids and we want them to feel confident because that changes who they are anyway thank you for joining us talk to you soon share this love you all bye