Calm Parenting Podcast - WHEN Will My Child Finally Be Responsible?
Episode Date: January 26, 2021WHEN Will My Child Finally Be Responsible? "At some point, this child must step up if he’s going to be a value-producing adult.” You’ve thought that before, right? When will the pre-K child foll...ow directions; the elementary school student focus and learn impulse control; the older child use proper hygiene and do more than the bare minimum to get by? The more you push, the longer they take. Kirk gives you three action steps to take this week to motivate your child.Want personal mentoring with Kirk via Phone? Click here to learn about mentoring packages. We are including the No B.S. Program FREE with all mentoring purchases OR you can get it here for $99: https://celebratecalm.com/nobs/ Want to book a LIVE EVENT in 2021/2022?! We are now booking IN PERSON and Zoom eventsfor schools, PTAs, churches, synagogues, corporations, and agencies! Simply email Casey@CelebrateCalm with LIVE in the subject line and he'll share a one-page proposal within hours. It's EASY! Questions? Need help deciding on the best tools for your family? Email Casey@CelebrateCalm.com and Casey will help you personally! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
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about them. So please support our podcast and tell them we sent you. So how many of you have
wondered, when is this child finally going to get it? When are
they going to step up and be responsible, right? At some point, they're going to have to learn how
to be a value-producing adult. That's what a guy said on a phone consultation this day. It was
awesome. Total guy thing to say, right? Because you've got a four-year-old, five-year-old,
six-year-old. He can't do anything. He's not even successful in preschool.
In pre-K, he can't sit still in a circle, and he's getting in trouble, and he's walking around the class all the time.
You're already getting notes, and you're projecting into the future of like, oh, what's going to happen to this child?
Maybe you've got a little one, six, seven, eight, and he can't sit still at the dinner table, and you're getting frustrated by him.
As they get a little older, eight, nine, 10, maybe they have impulse control, right? And they're always getting
in trouble and doing the same thing over and over again. And maybe that middle school child,
right? Just like hygiene, just won't brush his teeth or flush the toilet or take a shower.
And your high school child is doing the minimal work necessary just to get by and you're freaking
out. See, it doesn't matter what the age is. From the age of two, three, four, all the way through high school, you are going to
struggle with anxiety and wonder, when is this child going to finally grow up and start doing
what he's supposed to be doing? That's what we're going to talk about today on the Calm Parenting
Podcast. Welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. Please share with others our
podcast so we
can help other people. We want people to know you're not alone, right? The reason we know all
of this, and I can reel that part off, is that that was our son Casey at every age, right? And
it was like, when we got a call from his elementary school, Casey was always in the mix. Like if there
was a child who fell down, magically somehow Casey
was nearby, right? If there's a problem at lunch in the cafeteria, maybe it was our son who was
throwing things or getting into trouble, right? And I won't even mention kind of hygiene and
middle school or like his bathroom. He's an amazing young man now. And if you ever need help with anything,
that's who you're going to talk to. Casey, C-A-S-E-Y at CelebrateCalm.com.
So doing a phone consultation, his dad says, you know, at some point this child is going,
and I said, I get it. Can I give you some perspective here? At some point, right, at some point he does or she does, but not necessarily now. I understand
your anxiety. I understand. Look, if you're listening to our podcast, you're a good parent.
It means you want to be a better parent and you want your child to do so well and you love them
so much and you want them to be successful and not feel bad about themselves and you want to
not feel guilty, right, that you're raising a child who's like this and you have so much pressure
from other people, right? All your friends who have like the perfect little child and your child
struggling so much and you feel like you've done something wrong. And I want you to know your child
will step up. And when you say, well, at some point, that doesn't mean it has to be now and I guarantee you it will
not be on your timeline please write that down engrave it on your heart and on your brain your
child is not obligated to step up and be responsible on your timeline right that's arbitrary
that's your own anxiety speaking it doesn't have to be now it doesn't have to be next year it
doesn't have to be in the next five years to to be honest, no matter how old your child is. But sometime around 23, 24,
25, maybe it's by then. Some of your kids are going to step up in the next six months, maybe
next year, maybe next week. And some of them might be a decade. And that's okay too, if you can
control your anxiety and learn to enjoy that child. And I try to give perspective when I'm
talking to people on the phone. And I talked to that dad and I was like, come on, be honest.
When we were at your child's age, you and I were big dopes too. It wasn't like we were walking
around with legal pads, like visioning our future and doing everything right. The advantage we have
is that our parents didn't even know what we were doing because most adults didn't know what we were
doing because we had so much time alone and we were outside all the time. The problem now
is that you know every single thing that your child does or thinks and you quiz them about it
and you grill them over it and it's suffocating, right? Our parents didn't do that to us,
right? And there's all these arbitrary standards and arbitrary timelines that someone
came up with based on their own experience or what neurotypical kids do. Well, that's a bunch of BS
and you can't walk around, well, our child by this age ought to be doing this. Why?
That's not who your child is and don't measure and compare them against siblings or against other people.
Otherwise, I will do the same thing with you.
And I will find three areas in your life where you do not measure up with your peers.
Guarantee you can find it.
Because I can probably find 10 places I don't measure up.
It will happen.
They will change.
But here's the main thrust of this.
I'm trying to keep it short.
Your anxiety.
And watch.
You're constantly trying.
Because you're a good parent who loves your child.
You're trying so hard to motivate your child.
To change them.
To fix this.
Right?
To force it.
And you do sweet ways.
And you bribe.
And you try to tell them all kinds of sweet things.
And then you threaten.
And you do all kinds of things.
Trying to convince them and get them to step up and watch what happens. It takes longer. It makes things
worse. It destroys your relationship. It causes a child to shut down and resist. I guarantee you,
it will take longer. The more you're trying to make them change, the more they will resist
and the longer it will take. And it's hard because
watch, this is a little side note, but those of you who have kids that are in a home where maybe
both parents are like highly educated or very, very successful adults, those kids often shrink
back because they're like under the shadow of these really successful parents. And what they
know is I can't compare to you. Look at my record so far. And so they won't even try. And for all of us as
parents, how many of you have found the more you push a strong-willed child, the more they will
resist? It doesn't work. And ironically, when you learn to accept your child as he is and relax and
release this child, release this child from the expectations that
they're supposed to be like you or be like other people and release yourself from these expectations,
right? And I guarantee if you struggle with that, I encourage you with anxiety, go through the 30
Days to Calm program. It's in the Calm Parenting Package. Or if you want to know how to like
release your kids and learn to accept them as they are,
if you have older kids, go through the No BS program.
25 Action Steps.
It's phenomenal.
I love that program.
But when you step back, you accept your child, you step back and give them space to step up.
See, they need space and time because these kids are stove touchers.
They have to touch the hot stove and they have to figure it out on their own without someone looking over their shoulder pointing out every time,
well, this is the right way to do it if you would just do it this way.
They don't work that way.
Okay?
And so you can't force it.
So I'll give you three things to do this week.
Number one, I want you to relax and release yourself.
Release yourself from all the pressure
you have from other parents and from your own parents and everybody else and release your child
to be who they're supposed to be, right? And to give them some space. Number one, relax and release.
Let's just keep it at that, right? And stop lecturing all the time. Stop hovering over them. Number two, give them space and time to touch the hot stove,
to learn how to figure things out on their own. They need ownership and space. If you're taking
notes, write down the words ownership and space, and we can show you how to do that with giving
kids a sense of ownership where they're actually being responsible
for themselves. And this is really important because in trying to change them, you're actually
being responsible for them. And when you're being responsible for your child because your own
anxiety is compelling you to, they'll never learn how to be responsible for themselves. It is a gift
to your child to step back and to give them tools.
And I've talked about that a million times, so I'm not doing it here.
You give your kids tools to succeed.
Number three, affirm your child for where they are right now.
Stop noticing everything that's lacking, that they're not doing well, and affirm what they're doing now.
Affirm little things.
As I talk to parents on these phone consultations and the mentoring program, I hear and I write down what they're doing now. Affirm little things. As I talk to parents on
these phone consultations and the mentoring program, I hear and I write down what we're
talking. I'm like, I just heard five very mature things to do that your child did.
And I guarantee you're overlooking them because all you can think about is, well, what about this?
Well, because at some point they have to do. I'm like, but you're not letting them be successful
and live with a win.
And these are kids.
Is this not true?
These are kids who thrive on momentum and they do best when they feel like they are
the head of the class, where they are successful and where they don't feel like they're under
the shadow of everybody else and everybody else is judging them.
They feel best and they do best when they have confidence.
And so I want to build on the successes this week. So this week, relax and release them. Release yourself. Give
them space and time and give them tools to succeed and affirm where they are and watch
what starts happening. And I want you to learn to enjoy your child. If you need help with anything,
reach out to Casey. C-A-S-E-Y at
CelebrateCalm.com. Go to CelebrateCalm.com. We've got a ton of specials going on right now. And if
we can help you in any way, we will. We can do it within your budget because we love you and we want
you to enjoy this child. Love you all. Talk to you soon and please share this. Bye-bye.