Calm Parenting Podcast - When Your Child Provokes You: 3 Ways to Stop Reacting

Episode Date: December 17, 2023

When Your Child Provokes You: 3 Ways to Stop Reacting Your child is an expert at pushing your buttons. And it’s even worse when you are tired, irritated and anxious. THAT creates even more power struggles. So how can you stop these power struggles with your kids AND not feel so stressed and irritated? Kirk gives you three strategies from our flagship 30 Days to Calm Program to begin implementing today. Our Christmas Clearance Sale Ends This Weekend Take advantage of the Lowest Prices of the Year at https://celebratecalm.com/christmas-clearance Go to https://www.HelloFresh.com/calmfree and use code calmfree for FREE breakfast for life! One breakfast item per box while subscription is active. Get your kids something they will actually LOVE, use, and look forward to getting all throughout the coming year. Build your child’s confidence NOW! Visit https://crunchlabs.com/CALM and get your kids CrunchLabs today! A Revolutionary Baby Monitor is Born. Visit https://www.masimostork.com/ to learn more. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

So you know we are very purposeful about how we manage our emotions and take care of our bodies because we only have one body and one skin. That's why we love OneSkin. Their products make it easy to keep your skin healthy while looking and feeling your best. We use the face topical supplement and love that there's no complicated routine, no multiple step protocols, just simple scientifically validated solutions. The secret is OneSkin's proprietary OS1 peptide. It's the first ingredient proven to switch off the aging cells that cause lines, wrinkles, and thinning skin.

OneSkin is the world's first skin longevity company. By focusing on the cellular aspects of aging, One Skin keeps your skin looking and acting younger for longer. Get started today with 15% off using code KIRK at oneskin.co. That's 15% off at oneskin.co with code KIRK. After you purchase, they'll ask where you heard about them, so please support our podcast and tell them we sent you. Hey moms and dads, you know that our goal is to raise curious kids who love to learn, and IXL makes that so much easier. IXL is an online learning program that enriches your homeschool curriculum from K to 12.

IXL encourages students to be curious and empowers them to choose how to learn. No matter your child's learning style or knowledge level, IXL has video tutorials and learning games to guide your child in the way your kids learn best while meeting them at their level. On IXL, kids can explore any topic in any grade level. They're not forced into a single learning path. Kids love IXL's positive feedback, and parents love knowing specific skills that need work. Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now.

Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. Have you ever noticed that when you're in a rush or you're on edge or a little bit irritable, your tone changes and your child picks up on that and then you have more power struggles, right? That's why it's so critical to learn how to control yourself, control your own anxiety. Otherwise, it creates like this powder keg of constant explosions. So that's what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast.

So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. If you need help, reach out to Casey, our son. C-A-S-E-Y, CelebrateCalm.com. Tell us about your family, ages of kids. What are you struggling with? Look, tell me what your triggers are because that's part of what we go through a lot in this is trying to figure out what your triggers are and then developing a different response to those instead of always reacting to them. And I promise we'll get back to you usually pretty quickly. We try to give you some very practical tips. So that's what we do. So I want to share a few ideas from our 30 Days to Calm program. It's one of the flagship programs in the Calm Parenting Package. And I want to share this because so many people have used this as kind of their first step in finally getting control of their own anxiety and control

issues. Because look, you already know this, but the only person in life that you can control is yourself. The quickest way to change your child's behavior is to first control your own. Otherwise, you will constantly create these power struggles and escalate things with your tone by talking too much. So let's go through. I'm going to give you, I think, three in this podcast. So here's one. It's called this. Do not get in the ring like the boxing ring.

Don't get in the ring. Refuse to take the bait. At some point, we have to make the conscious choice to stop engaging, stop fighting, stop arguing and negotiating with our kids. It never leads to anything positive. And usually they just own us. They're much better at us and they're persistent. Right. And so we're trying to engage in this rational thing with an irrational or emotional child. I don't go in the courtroom, right? Like if some six foot four, 250 pound jack dude wanted

to fight you, would you? Even if you were right and he was wrong? Now, if you say yes, you're not very bright, right? Because you're going to get pounded. But that's what we do when we engage with our kids. So picture that tiny little guy or that sprouting teenager as a huge monster of a guy. Don't get in the ring, right? And so here's something you can say to yourself. You can even say to your kids, look, I'm not going to fight with you. It's not my job and not what you need, right? I'm going to go pop some popcorn.

I'm going to sit on the porch. If you want to come talk to me calmly, rationally, I'm all ears, and I'll try to help you. And then you walk away, right? Casey, this is what I used to tell Casey. Casey, I don't fight people I love. I'm not really interested in who is right and wrong. What I want to do is help you solve the problem peacefully. Now, if you're up for that, I'm psyched to help, and I'll talk all day long with you. But if you just want to argue, not doing it. I refuse.

I want you to practice this. Make it a policy in your home. Do you allow spitting at each other? Do you allow jumping on the sofa? No. It's kind of a family rule. So I make it a family rule that I don't argue with you we can disagree but I'm not gonna fight because I'd rather spend my time problem-solving then get caught in this back and forth and look for some of you you've got to watch this because you want to prove your point there's a certain amount of pride or conceit that says well well if I if I just explain it the right way, maybe I can convince them. Usually when you try to convince kids, it makes them more insecure and it causes them to fight

even more. I'd rather have you lead confidently, right? And not take that bait. Here's another one. When you feel threatened, get out of the fight, flight, or fright mode, right? Now, quick caveat, if you feel threatened physically by your spouse, leave and get help, right? There's no excuse for it, and your job is not to fix or help the abuser. It's to protect yourself and your kids from physical, emotional, and verbal abuse. But let's take this kind of on a little bit more personal level. See, and I'll give you a recent example. When someone says or does something that feels like a personal attack, our natural reaction is to go into one of three modes, right? Fight, we react angrily,

accuse the other person. We do the flight, we run away, withdraw, don't deal with issue. I've done all of those, right? Or we do, or some people go into fright mode. We just shut down completely. And it feels like depression. We're overwhelmed. We don't know what to do. Personally, here's my biggest trigger, really. When someone questions my intentions

or believes the worst about my motivations, it sends me immediately into fight stage. So I'll share this example. So I'm working on this project and I get an email that says, Kirk, why would I want to invite you to my church to speak? You don't answer my emails and you disrespect your father. I stopped recommending you to others. If you really read this and not by some automaton, you may call me. Now, my first reaction was, I can't say what it was, right? Blazing blank you, pal. Why would I want to come to your stinking church and be around a jerk like you? That's my natural first reaction.

It's the fight response, right? You get caustic, you attack, but that's why I didn't respond then, right? You've got to, look, I'm an impulsive, emotional guy. I have learned as I've gotten older, if I just give it some time, space, look, I could go on a tangent on this, I won't, but you've got to give your strong-willed kids space. When you react right away, when you demand, I want an apology right now, young man, it never works. We need to talk about your attitude right now, young lady. It never works. Space.

Give them space to process their own emotions. Lead them. Remember, use the motion changes emotion. So let's go through this. Number one, I felt threatened. He was threatening my integrity by judging and making accusations about my intentions. You're disrespectful. You think you're too important to actually read and reply to people's emails. He was threatening my reputation.

See, those are hot buttons for me. I hate when people misunderstand or believe the worst about my intentions. Number two, I felt angry, indignant, and upset. It bothered me. See, getting control of your anxiety doesn't mean you become some Zen master who doesn't feel anything. No, that's what alcohol does and we don't want that. So it's normal and healthy to feel strong emotions. Right? Who is this guy to accuse me like this? See, it's the way that your brain lets you know there's a potential threat. So I want to feel emotions and I want to feel them acutely. I just don't want to react out of my emotions. Number three, here's the difference. Although I feel

these emotions, I do not allow them to control my response. I get to choose that. Although this wasn't his intention, I think the pastor would have been relieved if I had reacted, right? Because it would have confirmed the narrative in his brain that I'm a selfish, disrespectful jerk. Number four, here is where the 10 proactive strategies we go through in the 30 Days to Calm program and the 10 proactive and 10 reactive strategies make the difference. I make it a rule in life that I never respond immediately to people. Never. Not even when they pressure me. See, before responding, I went to the gym. I put myself in the pastor's shoes. And instead of reacting out of my anxiety,

I responded to his need. Number five, when I slow my inner life down, I look outward, I get perspective. I'll tell you after years of doing this, is one of the great benefits of being calm is that it slows your inner life down so you can actually look outward and be giving toward people instead of needing them always to act the right way

so you can deal with it, right? History tells me people who make accusations typically do so out of pain and frustration, whether that's your kids or someone else that you know. See, only then could I think, wow, this guy must either be a huge jerk or he's really frustrated and that's why he wrote an email like that. Number six, I think what can I learn from this person? As I've gotten older, I'm learning this. I always try to learn something from someone that I disagree with or that I frankly just don't like because I can learn things from them right honestly inside I didn't want to learn anything from him I wanted to put him in his place but maturity

demands that you take the humble approach so seven rather than tear him apart I replied I want to learn from you it would help me immensely if you told me specifically how I showed disrespect and when I didn't return your emails, because then I can either apologize or clarify. And I made sure I addressed him as pastor instead of calling him by his first name or another name. So eight, his response was more gracious this time. Again, I was somewhat defensive, but I replied back and said, you are right. I could have been more respectful, and I'm glad you brought that to my attention.

See, bottom line, by the third reply, I discovered that this is a man who is overwhelmed with two children and a wife who have symptoms of ADHD, OCD, ODD, and more. So now we're having a really productive, respectful conversation to give him some concrete tools to help his kids. Number nine, I had every right to respond, I had every right to respond sharply and kind.

See, this is the thing, I do this with dad, dad, you're justified. Your kids are defined disobedient at times, and they're difficult and challenging. I'm not denying that. But you can walk away always feeling justified in how you're treating them, but it doesn't mean it's right, right? So you have the right to do it, but it doesn't mean that it works or it's productive, right? but if I had responded like that it would have devolved into a greater misunderstanding to people feeling bothered right believing the worst about each other and

it kind of ruins your day it takes up a lot of your headspace we would have wasted time telling our spouses and colleagues about what a jerk this other person is you've done that before, so have I. So let's stop it. Number 10, by allowing my defensive response to rule me, I would have created a terrible outcome. I would have missed out on some insight from him that I'll actually use in the future, right? And he wouldn't have gotten the help that I've been able to provide. See, we would have robbed each other of wisdom and robbed each other of building a stronger relationships

just to prove that we were right. And it's one of the things that I go through from men a lot, moms too, but a lot is letting go of your need to always be right. It took me about a year, a full year to let go of that jerky thing inside of me. It's like, I always have to prove my point, right? And your wife's never going to look at you and say, honey, you know, I'm so glad that I married someone who's always right. It makes me feel safe, right? It's just not how it works. So I hope that story kind of helps. So when this starts to happen, whether it's with your kids or your spouse or someone else, take a little time, respond differently.

Now, here's one of my favorite calming tools, and it's called this, which is very simple. Do the opposite, right? Do the opposite of what you normally do. Because look, what you're doing right now, if it is creating power struggles and isn't working, why not do the opposite? Maybe you'll actually get a positive result, right? So it's pretty easy to remember. And it says,

begin doing the opposite of what your anxiety is compelling you to do. See, I used to come home for work and I'd stomp through the house yelling, lecturing because there's Legos all over the floor. And my son hadn't done his homework. And why is he being so difficult? So I decided to do the opposite, which was come in and sit down and speak softly, ask questions, be curious about things, listen, listen more than barking and talking, giving consequences. And so one of my favorite tools, which people think is too simplistic, I don't care, it works. Begin sitting. Every time you feel anxious or you're getting upset, wanting to lecture, sit. Sit as close to the ground as possible.

It's way more difficult to lecture and bus and yell when you're sitting on the living room floor or just in a chair. Plus, if you have little kids, you'll end up being too busy playing with your kids. But that act of sitting, it changes my tone of voice, changes how I see situations. Here are a couple other ones that I really started practicing because I was a road rage guy. I'm a tense type. I'm a tense type A kind of guy. In traffic, when I'm in a rush, I purposefully allow one person to cut in front of me. Not two people. Not that good. Just one. Right? The post office. I allow one or two people to cut in front of me. Not two people, not that good, just one, right? The post office. I allow one or two people to cut in front of me. Why? Because when I'm standing at the post office and they don't have enough workers there and it's wasting my precious busy time, I'm tapping my

foot and I'm just getting furious, I'm getting angry and everything becomes about me, right? It's all about my day and how important my time is and how they're just holding me up, right? And I miss out on relationships and it just makes me miserable. So when I allow someone to cut in front of me, a couple things happen. I'm taking back control of my anxiety by purposefully fighting it, by purposefully allowing someone to cut in front of me, and it ends up making that other person's day. You should see people's faces light up at the grocery store when you do that, wherever it is. And now I start having a conversation with them in the line, which helps it go more quickly, and it just changes the whole dynamic, right? Gives someone else a closer parking spot. Like, look, as a family, when we're feeling a little bit tight, right? And money is a little bit of a struggle. That's when we end up giving

purposefully more because we end up seeing that others have it far worse than we do, right? When you want to complain, practice gratitude. Forgive when you want to hold a grudge. See, think about what your anxiety is screaming at you to do and then do the opposite for the next week. Okay. So here's the deal. Our next step, begin to internalize these tools by practicing them as much as you can, daily basis. And I want you to continue. And this is for those of you who have the 30 Days to Calm program and workbook. Continue to work through the first eight pages of the workbook. Journal, make notes, just to be little bullet points, right? Then when you're ready, move on to the 30 Day Calm Challenge, right? And as you go through this and you identify your

triggers, email me and I'll help you work through your triggers. I love doing that, right? Because this is, look, it's the same process I went through to learn how to go from type A, always upset, yelling and screaming, fear and intimidation approach, right, with my son in our home to what I do now, right? So that's kind of why I created it, right? So just carve out a few minutes a day and start to practice these steps like one by one. It's really cool.

Some of it's hard work, but it's worth it because it will, look, it'll literally change you for the rest of your life. It'll change your relationships. It'll stop the power struggles with a strong-willed child. Okay. If you need help with that, reach out to Casey at CelebrateCalm.com. You can go to the website. Just get the, you can look, you can get the Calm Parenting Package and 30 Days to Calm is one of the 12 or 13 programs there.

Or you can get the Get Everything Package. You get everything. If you need help financially, reach out to Casey. Thank you for listening. Thank you for working hard at this. Thank you for sharing the podcast. Let us know how we can help you. Love you all.

Bye-bye.