Calm Parenting Podcast - Why Defiance Is An Opportunity

Episode Date: March 1, 2022

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Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. So what if I were to tell you that I believe defiance is actually a huge opportunity that we often miss to problem solve, to get to the root of the issues and actually bond with your child on a deeper level. And that we often miss this because we're too busy getting offended and reacting and it just escalates all the time and we miss the real point of it. And so that's what I want to talk about on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast.

So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. If you need any help, reach out to our son, Casey. This is who I first learned how to handle defiance from because he was extremely defiant as a young man. And he is still a very strong-willed young man. But when he talks to you, he's going to be incredibly helpful, just like your kids are awesome for other people. So reach out. It's Casey, C-A-S-E-Y at CelebrateCalm.com. If we can help you with anything, just let us know. So you may hear this in different ways. You're going to hear a toddler, a little kid say, I don't like you, mommy. I hate you. You're mean. You may have an older child just be flat out

defiant. Maybe they even drop an F-bomb on you, or maybe your child just uses attitude and tone toward you. So how are you going to respond to that? And I use the word respond instead of react. And listen, I get it. This is hard. You have put your entire life into these kids an extraordinary amount of energy, especially with a strong willed child. You have put 80% of your family's energy into this one child, right? Because that's what it takes at times. And so I understand how it may hurt you. I understand the resentment that you feel because I hear that on my phone consultations. We get to this at the beginning almost every time. Tell me why you're resentful. What does it feel like? And it's like, well, I've tried so hard and I've loved this child. We bend over backwards. I

don't even ask a lot from this child. I do home after homework for them. I create special meals and yet they're still difficult all the time. I get that. And that's a legitimate feeling. But I want you to deal with that feeling so that you don't miss the big opportunity when these times of defiance come. So I want to do a few examples for you of different age groups, what's really going on, and how to handle this in a different way. So look, if you've got a little kid, a toddler, a young child, and they're like, I don't like you, mommy, right? We get all offended by it. I get that. But I want you to stop taking it personally. And instead, look, here's the more mature kind of grown-up view of this, especially it's easier when it's not your child looking at

you saying that. But Casey used to say that to us, right? I get that. I get that feeling of like, how dare you? I'm the authority figure in the home. You should be grateful. I provide such a great home for you. When I was a kid, it was so much tougher. If I'd ever talked to my dad, I'd get all that. But let's get past that. Let's grow up past that. And let's be the adults here. Because you're looking at a four-year-old, a five-year-old, and your attitude should really be inside, not to laugh necessarily, but in a sense to laugh and say, of course, of course, that's what a five-year-old who is disappointed and doesn't get his or her way is going to say. What are they supposed to say? Mom, you know, one of the things I've found in life is that I

wake up in life and I get this vision for my day because at my age I'm supposed to be curious and just everything's new and I have these ideas of what I want to do and then I don't get, when I don't get my way, I just get really frustrated and so I apologize that I take that out on you. Like they're not going to say that, but that's what you need to realize. And you should know is that what else is a five-year-old going to do? And by the way, it shows you that they're smart. They're brilliant because they know that that's what irritates you and gets to the heart of you most. And what they're really, look, if you think about this, what are they really wanting? They're wanting to express, I feel helpless. I don't know

what to do. So I thought I'd just go right for the jugular and with my mommy say, I hate you, mommy. I don't like you, mommy. Right? So what it shows you is, it is they want some help with this, and they don't know what to say or do. And by the way, most of you and me, most of us, even at age 35, 45, 55, we don't know what to do with our frustration. Think about the fights you have with your spouse. You say awful things, and you think horrible things about your child. You just don't always say them to your child, hopefully. So look, I just want you to recognize, yeah, they're frustrated. So instead of reacting to it and feeding it, right, which tells them further, every time you're disappointed, just say this to my mom or

dad, and they're going to react, and then they're going to fight each other, and then it escalates. No, instead, I either don't react or respond at all, or I recognize in my head, oh, this little kid here who doesn't know how to handle life is really frustrated right now. Maybe I should look for the root of it and see what's really going on. Sometimes you just need to do nothing and don't even try to fix it. Yeah, I get it. You're frustrated. If I were you, I'd be really frustrated too.

You know, you can try this sometimes. Say, you know what I'm thinking? You got up this morning. You had this idea, this even this vision, this picture in your head of what you wanted to do today, because you've got this great curious brain and it wants to explore and learn, and that's what it should be doing. And then I got in the way of that. And I changed plans on you, maybe at the last minute, or it's just the way life rolled. We had to go do something and you

didn't have time to play and do what you wanted to do, well, that leads to disappointment and frustration. So I get that. If I were you, I'd be frustrated too because your plans sound a lot more fun than what we had to do. But it's just what has to happen. So I don't always have to fix it. I just need to let them know that it's normal and I normalize it and their reaction is actually fairly normal in life. Does that make sense? So here's another one. So Casey's a little bit older and he comes at me with that tone. And look, you have every right in life. Look, you're the parent. You have every right to say, young man, you keep talking to me like that. You're going to go to your room and lose all of your privileges. And basically what

we need to tell them is to your room for the rest of your life, right? Because that's all we do is send them away from us. And we don't really solve anything. We don't problem solve. We don't get to the root of anything. But what I eventually recognized with Casey was when that attitude and tone was coming out, he was frustrated by something. Something else was going on. And so I started turning it around from taking it personally and he can't do this. And I'm the authority figure. If I don't stick up for myself, he's going to grow up and be disrespectful to other adults. Because that just was never true.

He was awesome for other adults. He was respectful, responsible. He did things for other people all the time. And so we use that to our advantage. Right? So stop fighting everything so much. that to our advantage, right? So stop fighting everything so much. Stop trying so hard, right? What I get to a lot of the phone consultations is stop trying so hard. You're trying to be the perfect parent, right? Like we're just really

good parents and we teach them right from wrong and we discipline all the time and we're on top of things and we teach them and we lecture and we show them. Well, And we're on top of things. And we teach them. And we lecture them. We show them. Well, then they're going to grow up and be responsible, respectful citizens and successful in life. I get that. But you're trying too hard because it's how you live your life. They will emulate what you do. It's more about what you model and trying to force it and fix it and control it all the time. And so stop trying so hard.

Right? and fix it and control it all the time. And so stop trying so hard, right? And relax and model it and have conversations instead of tensing up and being like, what do we teach them now? What's our right move? As if it's a strategy of like how we manipulate. Look, your kids manipulate you, but sometimes we manipulate our kids, don't we? right, because we're trying to think like, well, if we do this, and we say this, it's a relationship, right, and so I remember that day, I stopped taking it personally, I stopped reacting, making it all about me, right, because there's a lot of, right, we're kind of, I was talking to one dad, and he's like, I just realized I'm a big baby, I'm a big baby, this is a friend of mine, he's like, I just realized I'm a big baby. I'm a big baby. This is a friend of mine. He's like, I just realized I'm a big baby and I take everything personally and I can't handle it.

And it goes back to some of my childhood issues. Good, so deal with that. So I stepped back one day and I said, Case, listen, a couple options here. One is you may continue to talk to me like that if you want, but it's just not gonna end well for you. You're just gonna end up losing your to me like that if you want, but it's just not going to end well for you. You're just going to end up losing your freedom and all those privileges you want. So I don't think that's the way to go.

There's no big drama over that. Just letting them know the boundaries and how I roll. But here's what I've noticed. The last 46 times, and I always use that example because I want you to see patterns and to see, because I do this a lot with men. It's like, well, I just need to show them. I'd be like, you've been showing your child that you're the boss for the past 12 years. Apparently it's not working, right? If your approach hasn't worked the last 83 times, maybe we should try a different approach. Well, listen, Casey, the last 46 times you used that tone with me,

what I've recognized is it's usually when you're anxious, you're frustrated, or you're hungry. Because those were Casey's three triggers as a kid. And they are still, by the way, his three triggers as a 28-year-old young man. So two options, son. Talk to me like that. Lose all your freedom, all your stuff. Or if you want to grab some chips, I'll grab some salsa.

I'll meet you out on the deck. I'll help you with whatever you're struggling with. I like movement. I like doing different things. I always make that joke that I love chips and salsa because you never see two people eating chips and salsa yelling at each other, right? You add a couple margaritas, everybody's happy. But the truth is, that is a truth that when you sit and eat a snack together, it takes away some of that, you're not going to talk to me like that. You know, you better watch your tone, young man. We need to have a talk about your attitude right now, which never works. So whatever it is, whether it's going for a drive, a walk, just doing something where you're not staring down your child and his attitude, right? You're going to have a better result. And now I'm leading my child into problem solving.

Hey, Case, what's going on? I'm hearing something and I'm wise enough. See, we want our kids to respect us, but they respect wisdom. Just reacting and flailing and being the authority figure doesn't get your kids to respect you. They actually don't respect you because now they're looking at the grown adult who's reacting and flipping out and out of control because they're having a bad day and can't handle

something. And now what are you just demonstrating? That when you face adversity, you can't handle it either. So now we have the child who can't handle disappointment and you can't handle the disappointment of a child who doesn't speak perfectly and you can't handle the disappointment of a child who doesn't speak perfectly respectful all the time or for some of your kids never at all. But now you can't handle it, right? So now we're at a stalemate and the kid's like, look, I get it. I'm five. I'm 12. I can't handle it. But they're supposed to be running this house and actually having a job like who's actually hiring you, mom and dad? You can't even handle it when your child doesn't perfectly do everything the way you want.

How do you handle things at work? And that's part of the truth is that we handle these things in real life in our work environment all the time. But when it's our kids, we just freak out all the time. So what I was demonstrating to Casey was, look, your world's out of control right now. Something's going wrong.

Something's off. You don't even know what it is. And so I've got the wisdom to help you recognize, oh, this is just anxiety. See, you're anxious because anxiety is caused by unknowns. And you're going to face that the rest of your life. So here's a negative way to deal with it, which won't lead to good things. Or here's a really good way that we can deal with it, which won't lead to good things, or here's a really good way that we can deal with that. And I can show you how to handle adversity and disappointment, frustration,

or give you a snack because you're just hungry. And I'm leading to more self-awareness. I'm problem solving. I'm teaching self-awareness. I'm teaching. I'm modeling for him. So one of my favorite examples is the kid at the dinner table when the dad asks one of his sons to do something and the kid says no or doesn't do it. And dad reacts with, you know what, why do you have to make everything so difficult? Your brother never gives me any problems. And the kid gets up from the kitchen table and tells his dad to off and goes upstairs and slams his door. And now dad feels justified because his son told him that, you know what, told him off. And he goes up and starts laying into him for how he makes life so difficult. And he's always been difficult.

And how are you ever going to be successful in life? And now it escalates and you've got to stand off. And we just missed the opportunity, just like with the toddler, just like when Casey was nine, and I had chips and salsa with him, and now I'm together with my son, and I'm getting to the root of the issue, and finding out that there's an issue at school, or he's getting picked on, or he feels left out, or he's scared because he's behind in school or whatever is going on with my child. I have that opportunity to teach and to model and now the dad in this example misses a great opportunity to find out why is their relationship so broken. So instead of screaming and yelling

and them being driven further apart, watch that is a very subtle thing that some of you and yelling and them being driven further apart, watch, that is a very subtle thing that some of you and some of the dads that I talk to, they're sabotaging their relationship with their child because they don't know how to handle relationships and intimacy and do that. So they purposefully in a way, in a very subtle way, just drive their child away from them and they feel justified because of all the awful things that that child said. But what if instead that dad collected himself and said, I didn't work that, I didn't do that well. And he goes up and he knocks on his son's door and he says, hey, listen, son, I apologize. I didn't handle that well. And I shouldn't have said those

things to you. Listen, I'm going to leash up the dog. I'm going to go for a walk. When you're ready, if you want to come with me, I'd love to listen to you because I've done some things wrong in our relationship and I want to hear. I promise I'm not going to lecture. And I guarantee you if you start doing that, it may not happen the first time, but that kid's going to go for a walk with you. And it's great, especially if you're walking in the dark because you can't see each other because this is all awkward and you're walking the dog or you're going for a run or you're going up to grab Taco Bell or a snack or something late at night and you're having this talk with your child and you get to hear him, right?

You apologized, right? For your part, right? You're going to be like, yeah, but when's he's he gonna apologize that's not important right now you can't control what your child does you can only control what you do and your first step is to apologize to your child for the things that you said to him right you're not waiting what kind of relationship well I'll apologize when he does because I'm the authority figure well that doesn't work the authority figure is supposed to be the leader and a leader leads and a leader leads to contrition. And I guarantee you, if you do this enough, that kid's going to come and say, dad, listen, I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have said those things to you, but it just feels like you don't like me, that you've never liked me. And you can begin now to rebuild your relationship. If you want a shortcut to that, go through the No BS program. It's on our website or contact Casey about it. For those who want to go right to it, short and sweet, that'll change your relationship. For those who've done damage and need more on it, then get the everything package. It's everything we know and it includes the No BS program. But I promise when you start doing these things, you're going to hear that of like, dad, I feel like you haven't liked me. And now you get to be honest and say, son, I love you. I love you every bit as much

as I love your brother. It's just that we're so different or that we're so much alike. And I don't want you to repeat the same mistakes I've made. And I haven't dealt with it well. And I don't want you to repeat the same mistakes I've made and I haven't dealt with it well and I haven't understood you and I'm sorry because if I were you, I would probably feel very misunderstood and judged and I wanna begin to understand you. So will you forgive me for not understanding you and for reacting all the time?

And if you lead, if you lead like that, look, it leads your child no place he's not gonna be like yeah you have screwed up your whole life now maybe at first because there's so much damage that's been done but over time you know what you're gonna hear dad i'm sorry too i shouldn't have said those things and you can begin to rebuild and i would start with either if you're a dad start with a dad men's program. Definitely listen to the Strong Willed Child program. You listen right on our app. It's so easy.

And you will begin to understand these kids that they're not just defiant kids, right? They act out in oppositional ways because they often feel like caged animals and they feel trapped and like they're fighting the world. And when you begin to understand what really motivates them, you can see, look, you can already see your child who he really is. When your child is helping a neighbor or someone else,

you can see that giving kid with a good heart who's able to have great conversations. It's just with you right at home, there's these power struggles and this defensiveness. And if you will look at, let me close this up this way. This week, when you hear the defiance, the disrespect, the resistance, I want you to see it as an opportunity to problem solve, to teach, to bond. Remember, it's relationships that change behavior, right? It's not, we are so hell-bent on, well, I just need to get the right behavior

out of my child. And by going that route, we actually create more defiance and resistance. It is the relationship, it is understanding your child on a deeper level that changes things. And so if we can help you with that, well, we can help you with that. Because if you listen to the podcast, you're like, you're describing my child. You can schedule a you with that. Because if you listen to the podcast, you're like, you're describing my child. You can schedule a consultation with me. I'll be happy to talk to you and brainstorm with you and walk you through this. But if you don't want to do that, then just get the programs. That's why we put them together, right? Because they walk you step by step over how actually to handle defiance in a toddler. We have a special program just for kids ages two to seven and for

teens and for moms and dads and Casey's program that he recorded for your kids to listen to so they can begin to get an understanding of why they're being defiant inside. What is the root of it, right? So let's work on that this week. Use it as an opportunity. Don't take it personally and look outward and say my job is to give my child wisdom and tools. Love you all. Thanks for being willing to work on yourselves. Let us know if we can help.