Calm Parenting Podcast - Why Do Strong-Willed Kids Push Your Buttons?

Episode Date: April 23, 2023

Why Do Strong-Willed Kids Push Your Buttons? It’s a given. Your kids are going to push your buttons. They are going to irritate you. And you are going to react. And make things worse. So how do you stop reacting when your kids talk back, dawdle, roll their eyes, slouch, refuse to do homework, do nothing but text or play video games? We are extending our our annual Spring Sale through the end of April! Visit https://celebratecalm.com/products to purchase the Get Everything Package at the lowest prices of the year. Questions? Need help? Email [e-mail] and Casey will help you personally.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. It's a given, moms and dads. Your strong-willed children are going to push your buttons. They're going to irritate you, and you're probably going to react and make things worse. So how do you stop reacting when your kids talk back? They dawdle. They roll their eyes, slouch, refuse to do their homework, do nothing but text or play video games. That's what we're going to talk about on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com.

If you need help, reach out to our son, who was amazing at pushing our buttons because we had so many to push, but he will not do that to you. Why? Because you're not his parents. He's just like your kids are. Amazing for other people. So reach out to him, Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, celebrate calm.com. Tell us about your family, ages of the kids. What do you struggle with? We talk about it as a family. We reply to usually very quickly with very practical strategies, because that's what we do. If you need help with any of our products or booking a live event, reach out to Casey. He handles everything. So we also have spring sale going on. So get the everything package, boom, less than a

trip to a therapist's office, and you learn exactly how to do this. So why do strong-willed kids push your buttons and how do you stop that? So I'm going to give you three reasons and three different strategies. So number one, strong-willed kids will push your buttons because we have so many buttons to push as parents, right? No blame, no guilt. Just be honest. We are filled with buttons. If we didn't have all those buttons to push and all those triggers, your kids couldn't

trigger you. So number one, let's always work on our stuff first. Work on our own triggers. And look, there's no blame or no guilt. We all have triggers probably from childhood. Stuff you learned as a kid, right? Ways of coping with things. And some of us, we need a lot of order and structure. We're kind of control freaks. And some of us have a lot of anxiety because worried about the future. And so when our child does something wrong, it triggers something. Then we're afraid they're going to be like this when they're older. And

then we're going to be bad parents and people judge us. There's all kinds of things that trigger us, right? Some of you, it's perfectionism, right? Because maybe you're a project manager, an engineer, or kind of just one of those conscientious, awesome, left-brained people, and you need things to be just so. And so when they're not just so, it messes with your sense of order, and structure, and stability. It's the same thing that happens to your kids, right? So number one thing, let's plan a different response to your triggers. Because your triggers automatically result in an emotional reaction. So here's a five-step process.

And I'm just going to use one or two common situations. So number one, identify your triggers. Be honest about it, right? I get triggered by X, right? When my daughter speaks like that, it irritates me because it sounds like disrespect. And then you can add whatever. I feel guilty as a mom because if I were a good mom,

my child wouldn't speak to me like that. Whatever comes out of you, it's just honesty, right? And you don't like it, right? Here's one of mine. When my son dawdles, because I was raised by a career military father, right? You got to be on time because if you're not five minutes early, you're 10 minutes late. And so I've got this really rigid military background inside of me that I heard from my dad my entire life, right? So when my son's dawdling, that triggers me. I don't like being late. Why? Because now I'm embarrassed in front of other people. Being late is disrespect, right? And so I feel that inside, and that was one of my big triggers with Casey. So just identify what bothers you.

What are your triggers? Number two, choose who has power over your response, right? Am I going to give my son or daughter power over my mood, my attitude, and my actions? Because again, no blame and no guilt. That's what we do every day when your child does something and you react to it your child is now controlling you we are the authority figure in the home we're the parents we're the adults we need to be leading instead of following them right we follow our kids all the time I've said this many times as a dad here's what it was I need my son to behave a certain way because

if he doesn't then I'm going to be angry and upset so I needed my son to behave well so that I could behave well that's a bad place to be in life with any other human being so let's begin to choose that of saying like I've got power to change this response number three write down and I really mean I'd encourage you to do this. If you go through the 30 Days to Calm program, which I encourage you to do, it's part of the Get Everything package, the Calm Parenting package,

I promise I will work with you hand in hand to deal with your triggers. If you go through that program, you'll be able to email me and say, here's my trigger, I'm really stuck, and I will help you with that. Because that means you're working on deep stuff Right and it will free you it is so cool to be liberated from always being triggered by things

So write down how you've responded in the past Usually when my daughter does X I respond by yelling lecturing taking away privileges Maybe it's stomping off and withdrawing. That's a common guy one. It's what I did. You know what? You guys be better off without me. You know what?

Just let me go to work. You guys handle all the family stuff. I'm not good at this, right? Because I felt helpless. Like your kids feel helpless, right? We're all in the same boat. We're all basically just big kids trying to be parents. Is that not true? If you really dig into it, we're still triggered by all this stuff from our childhood.

And I want you to work on that stuff so you can be free from it. But we're not that much different, right? We just hide things better than our kids. We tell better little white lies than our kids do. So write down how you've responded in the past. When my son dawdles, takes his time, is slow at moving, that triggers me, and I begin getting on him, and I begin using this kind of case. Get downstairs, get your shoes on. That's the tone that I would use because that's my anxiety

coming out and dumping all over him. So number four, what has been the result of how you responded? The result of me demanding that my son move more quickly and getting on him with this tone of voice was always what? He would go more slowly. It was a negative result. It created the opposite result that I wanted. I wanted him to move. Yes, sir, right away, double time, right? But what my son knew was when I was in that mode,

in that anxious mode, nothing he could do would please me because even if he did come running down the stairs, I would probably get on him about his shoes not being tied or his shirt wasn't tucked in or something small. I didn't like the way he did stuff and it just always came out, right? And so the result of my previous reactions has been negative. I get the opposite result. It separates me from my child. It makes me feel guilty and leaves everyone feeling tense and my relationships are strained and everyone feels negative so the results of reacting to my daughter when I lecture too much I end up yelling I end up

talking too much and saying hurtful things has been it begins to hurt our relationship and the trust is ruined, right? Everyone feels tense when this happens. And look, some of this, again, goes back to childhood stuff. You grew up in a tense home. And so guess what? That becomes very familiar. And these patterns repeat. It's probably why many of you married your husband, because he's just like your dad. And for 18 or 20 or 30 years, you grew up with this dad who has this pattern. You were used to walking on eggshells not to upset dad and being quiet. And guess what? You found another guy who now can't control himself and you have to walk on eggshells. But guess what? It's kind of comforting because

at least you know how to operate in that framework. You have your place, right? Those of you who grew up and maybe you had an alcoholic parent, and so you had to become ultra responsible because if you didn't start taking control of everything, your family would have fallen apart. So as a seven-year-old or 12-year-old kid, you learned, I better take care of everything and micromanage everything because if I don't, everything in my life falls apart. So here's a little kind of nice little therapy thing I'll throw out for you that really helps me. So when you were a child, that trait served you very well. You had to take control. Otherwise, your life would have been complete instability. You were heroic in that moment and how you did that.

But now you're a grown adult and you're still trying to micromanage and control. When you get together with family members, right, like vacation or holidays, you are controlling what everybody does and their reactions because that's what you learned as a kid. But here's where you get the free. Now you're a grown adult and you don't have to do that anymore, right? It's a very distinct change, right? But you don't beat yourself up for your past.

It doesn't work. I don't beat myself up. Just honest about, that's how I got that habit, that trigger. It doesn't serve me well anymore, so I'm going to break that pattern. That's really cool. And that'll change all your relationships, first with yourself and then with everybody else. And then the fifth step is let's

choose a different response. Here's one of my favorites. Choose an opposite response. What are you going to do differently next time? Do the opposite of what you normally do because you can't always control your child's behavior, but you always get to choose your own response. And if what you're doing is getting you the exact opposite response. So with my son, when he was dawdling, no matter how many times, Casey, get down here. Casey, listen, if you're not down here in three minutes,

right, and you know what happens then, it just escalates and escalates. And then he gives an excuse. I'm like, we don't make excuses for being late. If you're going to be successful in life. And then my wife was like, he's five. Chill. Right? But we have all these things. And so he would go more slowly. I'd get on him about all the other things. So you know what I would do sometimes? I'd connect with him. Instead of yelling upstairs, I go upstairs and I compliment him on something or say, you know what? I can't wait to see. You know what? You've been doing really well,

really well on the ice when he was playing ice hockey. Instead of getting on him all the time about the negative stuff, you know what you've been doing well? Man, the way you've been back checking, dude, you're killing it out there. I can't wait to see you do that today. Hey, grab your stuff. Let's get to the rink. I connected because usually I get better cooperation or compliance when I connect. It's just human nature. So I did opposite of what I normally did. And guess what? I got an opposite response and I built the connection and we built, and now I'm leading, I'm leading my son out to the car instead of just barking at him to do that. I hope that makes sense. So instead of yelling, withdrawing, I'm going to take a positive action. So what's the positive

action you're going to take? Could be sitting down, speaking softly, starting to try to understand why your daughter's frustrated, right? It could be inviting them, hey, I've got to run up to the store. Do you want to come with me? Because riding in a car or in your SUV without having to look a child in the eyes, it's a great way to connect with your kids for a short period of time, right? So number two, I can't believe we're only on second reason, but this is second reason your kids push your buttons, because it's a great way for them to get intense brain stimulation from you and their siblings. Many of you have kids who don't get enough dopamine or blood flow to the brain. Their brains are physiologically understimulated, and that's why they tap pencils and bounce their legs. It's why they fidget all the time. It's why they procrastinate, and it's why

they argue like little attorneys and push your buttons. Why? Because when our kids do something wrong, what do we do? That's when we tend to react most and give our kids intensity. How many times do I have to tell you, right, we tend not to give a lot of intensity to the times when our kids are doing things right. Think about this. Strong-willed child is bored. So guess

what he's going to do? He needs some brain stimulation. He's going to look at his sister or poke her, or better yet, almost poke her without touching her. What happens? His sister reacts and yells, Mom, Cody's looking at me. And then mom's frustrated because of all the stuff that you have to do as a mom. And she walks into the room and says, leave your sister alone. Well, dad walks in and sees his wife upset and that upsets him. Why? Because we as men are uncomfortable with other people's emotions that aren't happy. Again, probably a trigger back to childhood, right? We as men, sometimes we don't know what to do. We think we have to fix everything. Well, my wife's upset. I need to fix her being upset. So I'm going to give her a logical reason why

she shouldn't be upset. No, wrong move. Honey, of course you're upset. You should be frustrated. You're married to me and we have three children. You should be upset a fair amount of the time, right? Because I don't feel the need now to fix and control everybody else's emotions. But that's what happens in this scene. So dad jumps in and starts yelling at his son as well because he just wants quiet. Watch what just happened. One kid, by looking at or almost poking his sister, made three, and he didn't make them actually. I'm going to strike that word.

He didn't make them upset. They chose to get upset. But by his provoking, by his pushing buttons, three other people got upset and gave him intense stimulation for his brain. Now, it's not a positive way to do it, but it's a way to get the brain stimulation, and it's human nature. What do we all do? We all seek the path of least resistance. What's the easiest way to get the brain stimulation and it's human nature. What do we all do? We all seek the path of least resistance. What's the easiest way to get my needs met? Well, his was just looking at a sister and now three people are upset. And then you're training his brain to continue to do things wrong

because that's when he gets intense stimulation for the brain. Does that make sense at all? Because the truth is that's not really his issue. It's our issue for reacting all the time. So let's do the opposite here. We want to proactively give kids positive intensity when they do things. Hey, saw what you did right then? Nice choice, my friend. Shows me you're going up. Fist bump. Lots of sowing seeds for good choices. Fist bumps. Short and sweet, right? It's also why we recommend the mission of mentor approach as

kids get older, right? For kids who need their brain stimulation, who are not internally motivated, they're just kind of wavering and just getting by in middle school or high school, we've got to get those kids using their, focusing their brains and stimulating that internal motivation by getting them to use their natural gifts, talents, and passions outside the home accountable to another adult. If you have a middle or high school kid, you've got to learn how to do this. And so we go through that in depth in the programs, right? So let's switch that around from negative intensity to positive intensity. Number three, this is important just to realize about your kids. Your kids, strong-willed kids push buttons because they're really good at it.

Why? Because they're often very good observers of human nature. They can see patterns in things and people. It's often why they're also good at chess and checkers and Legos and seeing in three dimensions. So they know exactly what your triggers are, what your spouse's triggers are, and what their siblings' triggers are, and what their teacher's triggers are. And they also know how you react, right? So while they may not always read social cues that well, they're keen observers and they get human nature, right? It's often why they have a wicked sense of humor, right? During the holidays when the relatives are around,

they make really witty, inappropriate comments about them. And you can't help laughing because they're spot on. It's all the same part of the brain. And look, we spend so much time trying to correct and fix our kids that we don't recognize all of these things that I'm teaching you today. All those things are in there. And they're good. And once you realize that's how their brains work, you can then work with your kids, use this to your advantage

instead of just fighting them for 18 years, right? Now with this trait, the good news is most of your kids have very big hearts toward other people or toward animals, just not towards you. But one day they're going to use these very skills, that insight into human nature. Right now they kind of use it to poke at people because they're bored and they want their brain stimulated. But once they get a purpose and a vision, they're going to have that same insight into people who are hurting, who need help, and they will go and they will help other people. They will help animals and they will have great instincts here. It'll be fantastic. Now here's the other good news. These kids will help identify your triggers for you so you can work on them. Look, the truth is if I wouldn't, if we wouldn't have had

a strong-willed child, I would probably possibly still be immature to this day. Casey brought things up in me. It wasn't that it was his fault. He brought these triggers up, and he, in a way, it illuminated my control issues, my anxiety, my perfectionism, my childhood issues. It brought all these things to the surface. So the truth is, I'm very thankful that Casey was strong-willed. Why? Because it just provoked my immaturity so that I could eventually say, huh, it's not so much his issue is, I need to work on that myself. And that leads you to becoming a much happier, healthier adult who instead of blaming

everyone else and being controlled by other people in situations, you can actually control yourself. And instead of reacting to your kids all the time, you respond. And then you can spend 85% of your energy doing what we should do, which is cultivating and channeling these unique traits into positive constructive missions for your kids instead of spending all that time trying to fix them or change them or getting them to stop doing it. So here's your goal this week. Let's identify your triggers and let's turn it around, do the opposites, come up with a different response, right? And I just ask you this, if we just described your family and your child, good. It means you're not alone. It also means we know exactly how to change that dynamic and use the child's energy for constructive purposes and stopping all the drama and changing the generational patterns. I'd encourage you. Thank you for listening to the podcast, but go

through the Get Everything package or the Calm Parenting package because we show you step by step how to do all these things over and over again and your spouse can listen and teachers can listen their grandparents can listen and you can allow your kids to listen to some of these uh programs too it's on an easy app right on your phone your tablet so easy so go to the website celebrate calm.com if you're interested we've got a big spring sale on that or email casey if you need help with it, Casey at celebrate calm.com. Hey, thank you for listening to our podcast. Thank you for sharing with others. Um, we'll talk to you again soon. Love you all. Bye-bye.