Calm Parenting Podcast - Why I Don't Like Mother's Day

Episode Date: May 1, 2019

Moms deserve much more than this. So how can you get your kids (and spouse) to respect you and your time 365 days of the year? Listen as Kirk gives you a specific script and practical action steps. No more walking on eggshells, no more exhaustion or pleading. Moms, you need to treat YOURSELF the way you want others to treat you. Tired of feeling at your wits' end? Then take advantage of our extra special Mother's Day sale at https://www.CelebrateCalm.com/moms or https://www.celebratecalm.com/nobs/ Need help? Contact Casey at 888-506-1871 or [e-mail]. Live in California, Colorado, Arizona, or Utah? We have special dates available in October to come to YOUR school or church. Email [e-mail] for a proposal Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. Hey everyone, this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. We're going to talk about Mother's Day and look at it from a very different way because I'm not a big fan of Mother's Day and I'll tell you why. But before we get to that, my son wanted me to remind you that we travel all over the world. We've spoken in the Czech Republic, in Germany, in different countries, all over the country, North America. Just so you know, if you're in a foreign country

or if, say, you're military stationed overseas, contact us because we would love to come and speak because parents everywhere, no matter where you are in the world, struggle with strong-willed kids. But what I wanted to note is we're going to be on the West Coast, and we don't get west of the Mississippi that often just because it's a lot further for us. It makes it a lot more expensive, but we have a trip planned in prime time of October, which is great time because the kids will have been in school for a couple months. You know, the issues going along. So if you are in California, Arizona, Utah, Colorado, New Mexico, Texas, Kansas, Oklahoma, anywhere out there, email or call my son. It's Casey, C-A-S-E-Y at CelebrateCalm.com. Tell him the name of your

school, church, synagogue, foster care organization, adoption agency. Let him know that and where you are, and he will send you all the details to make this happen. It's really cool when we do this. So, and it's a rare opportunity that we're out there. And here's the cool thing is that because we're going to be out there already, it eliminates some of our travel expenses and it makes it cheaper. So contact him. So here's what I want to talk about today. Why don't like Mother's Day? Is it because I don't like moms? No. I love my mom. My mom's my biggest supporter in life. She's the best mother in the history of the world. Look, if you're having a bad day, I should just give you my mom's phone number. She'll talk to you for hours at a time, and you'll feel great about yourself, even if

you're a horrible human being, because that's what my mom is like. And I love my mom and I honor my mom. But here's why I don't like Mother's Day. My objection to how we celebrate Mother's Day is that we often fall into this trap. Throughout the entire year, a mom's needs get put on the back burner, dismissed, or disregarded. Then on one day in May, kids and husbands, often kind of lamely, pay homage to their mother, right? But even in so doing, they never really provide anything that's ultimately satisfying or long-lasting, right? It's kind of like this obligation, do something for your wife, do something for your mom one day out of the year. And then by the end of the day, mom's usually back to doing everything on her own anyway, right? Like you may be like, oh, we're going to fix mom dinner. And then mom ends up doing the

dishes and everything else anyway, or you didn't do it the right way. So look, it can't be one day. The reason I don't like Mother's Day is because it ends up being one day. And what needs to happen is this. And I'm not going where you may think I am. It's not like, oh, 365 days of other people recognizing moms. No, the solution is not for kids and husbands to give better gifts. The solution has nothing to do with the actions of your kids or husbands. The truth is that the only one who can change this dynamic is you,

as a woman, as a mother, as an individual. It is completely within your control. So if you don't mind, and even if you do, let me be blunt. Sometimes your kids don't respect you because you don't respect yourself. Your kids don't respect your time because you don't respect your time. You do everything for everybody else and nothing for yourself. And then you end up exhausted and resentful, probably like your mother. After all I do for you and you, look, that's your issue. Your kids are never going to wake up and say, mom, listen, had a talk with my brother and sister. We've determined you do way too much for us. No, you chose that and you've got to deal with that on your own. Let me be a little bit even more blunt. Moms, if you don't care enough about yourself to take care of yourself emotionally,

physically, and spiritually, why would anybody else care about you? If you don't make yourself a priority, why would anybody else? Here's a great saying I want you to remember. I want you to begin to treat yourself the way you want others to treat you, right? So you discount your value and your time, and it's no wonder others do, because you just put yourself on the back burner, and you've led yourself to believe, well, that's just being giving. No, it's not. It ends up being very selfish, because when you ignore your own physical, emotional, and spiritual needs, what happens is you become exhausted. And then at the very moment, your kids need you because they're struggling with anxiety or they're disappointed or they're melting down. You don't have anything to give them and you make it all about yourself instead of being the rock solid person that

your kids need. Does that make sense? Let me say it in a nice way. The greatest gift you give your family is not what you do for them. It is what you do for yourself. I'll make it personal here. You can probably tell I'm kind of a sarcastic jerk and I have a lot of energy. That's my nature. When I get up and get my morning walk in, my quiet time, when I go and work out at the gym, especially when I worked in the corporate world and I come home from work all stressed. When I worked out at the gym in the middle of the day, you know what the gift was to my family? Instead of my wife having to wonder, uh-oh, what dad are we getting tonight, right?

Because here's the dynamic that happens. Dad comes storming into the home, and mom has to choose, uh-oh, do I stick up for my child and protect him? Or because if I do that, am I now undermining my husband's authority, right? And so the greatest gift I would give my family is when I took care of my own emotional, physical, and spiritual needs, now when I walk through the door at the end of the day, now they don't have to manage my emotions for me because I already did that. Now I can be outward looking. Look, part of the reason we started Celebrate Calm is it's not just about being calm, being a better parent. It's

because my goal in life is to be good to other people, right? To be a net positive, to give out to other people. But when I'm so consumed with my own anxiety and my own worries and my own perfectionism and my own control issues, I get very internally focused. I can't give out to everybody else. They actually have to give to me because I have to make sure that everything's okay. Otherwise, I'm going to lose it. But when I got control of myself and learned to take care of myself, now when I'm out driving and doing errands, when I'm going to the gym, when I'm in traffic, when I'm in the grocery store, in the post office, when I'm meeting with other people and with my own family, I can give out now because I've already taken care of my own stuff inside. Now I am free from all those internal things to focus outwards.

So moms, all the moms listening, want to be giving generous people you've been raised to, like my job is to give out and to sow all these good things into my kids. And what I want you to know is the best way that you can do that is to first focus on yourself, in taking care of yourself, so that now from a place of wholeness, you can give out. And even more than that with your strong will kids, when they come home from school or when you pick them up after your long day at work and you pick them up from daycare, whenever you see them, now when they're struggling, you don't make it all about, after all I do for you, now you can be patient and listen and you can have wisdom to see what's really going on and to help them.

But if you're frazzled and exhausted, you can't help your kids. You end up being helpless. And that's when you end up lecturing and yelling. So this is all about being more giving, but the foundation is giving to yourself. So I want you to make yourself a priority. Here's an example. Tonight, I want you to come home from work, do a couple things around the house, whatever you want to do. But I want you to sit on the sofa. One night this week, sit on the sofa, pick up a book, a book that you want to read, not a parenting book, book you want to read, something, an escape book. I don't care. And when your kids come in the room,

mom, I'm hungry. I'm hungry. Let them know you've got two legs and two feet. You can go to the kitchen, get yourself a snack. And while you're there, I would like a snack and a glass of iced tea with a little bit of whiskey in it. You know what I'm saying. But you know what you've just demonstrated? My needs are important too. You're capable of serving me. You're capable of doing things on your own and being independent. And by the way, while you're doing that, I would like a snack and I would like a glass of water or a bottle of wine,

whatever. But I want you to do that because that's demonstrating self-respect and it's starting to teach your kids everything's not about them. You know, in some of our programs, we go through this of how to do this. I've got an idea. I think it's in the Straight Talk for Moms or maybe the 30 Days to Calm program, about doing the schedule for your kids every semester and saying, you guys get to pick one extracurricular, but I'm picking one too. And so why does every single day have to be about the kids? What kind of message does that send them? Why can't you one night a week do what you want to do, whether it's a book club or a Bible study or a yoga class or just sitting out in the car by yourself, right? Or going to a Starbucks or literally just sit.

Look, some of you can't leave the home because you've got little kids, right? You've got little, little kids. But why can't that be, hey, one night a week, I just take a bath. And for 45 minutes or an hour, I get time to myself and I put on music, right? See, homeschooling moms, you're with your kids all day long. And I want you to establish, kids, every day, I get two breaks. Every day from 1047 to 1059, those 12 minutes, that's my time. I'm doing whatever I want. And I do not want to hear a peep out of you. And then from 224 to 236, I don't care what the times are. I just make them specific so they know I'm not messing around here. You know, one of the things I love, and this is

working together with your hubby on this stuff, is for a husband to come home. And single mom, you can do this as well. Sounds a little different, but same thing is for hubby to come home, and single mom, you can do this as well. Sounds a little different, but same thing is for hubby to come home and say, let's say you've got two kids, two girls, and hubby says, hey girls, here's the deal. New tradition in our home. From now on, one night a week when I get home, I'm going to light a candle in the kitchen. And when I light that candle in the kitchen, here's what it means. It means I'm having to light a candle in the kitchen. And when I light that candle in the kitchen, here's what it means. It means I'm having dinner alone with my wife and you two are not invited. Now, that's not being mean. I didn't say, you know what? You guys aren't welcome at dinner

because you're ruining our marriage. I didn't say that, right? I just said, I'm doing this with my wife, which I like the language, not necessarily your mother, but my wife. And you two are not invited. Why? Because they're not invited because they're capable of being on their own for 45 minutes or look 30 minutes. By the way, when you first start this, it's 30 minutes. You know why? Because you and your spouse probably haven't talked about anything but the kids for the past four or seven or 14 years. And it's going to be awkward. Like, what do we talk about? So some crazy weather we've been having lately, huh, honey? Right? And you're going to sound anyway. But I love that of the boundaries of dad saying that or single mom saying one night a week, I'm lighting a candle in the kitchen. I'm having dinner by myself. Why?

Because I need the alone time and I want it. It doesn't mean I don't love you. Don't pull that, what's the matter? Don't you love us? Because your answer to me is like, yeah, sometimes I'm not so sure. Right? But you know what I mean? You don't have to answer those questions that manipulate. No, I want you to draw the boundary of tonight I'm having dinner by myself in the kitchen or hubby having dinner with my wife. And I let the kids know during that 30 minutes, look, I'm going to feed, look,

feed the kids early. It's don't do what works. Don't be afraid. I've been mentioning that in the no, um, the no BS program that I just did. I'm trying to cut through all the clutter and just letting parents know, do what works.

Don't do it. What you're supposed to do. You don't have to have family dinner every night if it's horrible. And dad's yelling, parents know, do what works. Don't do what you're supposed to do. You don't have to have family dinner every night if it's horrible and dad's yelling, you know, sit still at the table. We're going to enjoy dinner together as a family. And everybody loses their appetite. All your kids do is eat mac and cheese and chicken nuggets anyway every night. So just feed them early before your spouse gets home.

And then you and your spouse enjoy a nice dinner for 30 minutes, not worried about them finishing everything on their plate and trying something new and sitting still and cleaning up their plate. No, eliminate some of that stress and just eat dinner together with your spouse alone. Who cares? Sit your kids in front of a movie. They're not going to die, right? Oh, I'm never going to use screens as a babysitter. Really? I will. No, not screens. By the way, I don't want your kids on screens from a young age, any screens. Turning on a specific video for the kids to watch 30 minutes of a cute little TV show or movie is fine, but I want to start handing them little games

that they can play on screens when they're little kids. Please don't do that. But 30 minutes watching a little movie or their favorite little show is fine, right? They're not going to die. Now, if you set them in front of Jerry Springer for three hours, they're going to end up in jail, but you're not doing that. But I let the kids know, look, here's the deal. I get 30 minutes of alone time with my wife. If I hear a peep out of

you, or if you come near this kitchen, you will rue the day you did that because I will be up on Saturday and Sunday morning at six o'clock in the morning, banging pots and pans all over the house to wake you up. Or next time you're watching your favorite show, I will interrupt you. Don't mess with me. And you know what the tone I want you to take is? Now, don't take this the wrong way, is don't F with me. Now, don't walk away saying, that guy says we should tell our kids don't with me. I didn't say that. I said the tone needs to be that. And the next podcast, I'm going to hit on the tone thing really in depth because we're so sweet with our kids. Kids, it's really important that a mommy and daddy have time alone so that

they can build their... Who cares? Kids don't care about those things. No, you let them know, look, I'm serious about this time with my wife or a mom. I'm serious about this time alone. It's important, and I'm going to take it. Don't mess with me. Let your kids know that you mean what you say, and you say what you mean, right? Does that make sense? So I want you to start doing this. So moms, start to think about what can you start doing to make yourself a priority physically, emotionally, spiritually. If you want, I would go and tell your kids, tell your hubby and kids this for Mother's Day. For years, I have lectured and complained and micromanaged you, and I'm sorry about that. I apologize. From now on, I am making myself a priority so that you don't have to walk on eggshells around me and manage my emotions. I'm going to start doing X. One night a week,

I'm doing this. Every month, one Saturday of every month, I am doing X. You can't look, being bossy is telling other people what to do. Being assertive is telling people what you're going to do, right? That's a lot different. So let your hubby and kids know, this is what I want for Mother's Day. I'm going to make myself a priority instead of doing everything for everybody else around here. But I want you to learn how to control yourself, right? I don't, hubby, I have been managing your emotions. I've been walking on eggshells around you for the last 10 years. I'm not doing it anymore.

So I am ordering this program and we're all going to listen. And you go ahead and order. We've got a great program at celebratecalm.com forward slash moms, M-O-M-S. And it is everything we have ever created. All of our CD programs, you get it on audio download right to your iPhone. You can share it on multiple devices so your husband can listen, your parents, teachers, friends. I don't care. I want people to listen to this so that you're all on the same page. So whether you just order it yourself or you tell your husband, send them the

link and say, hey, here's the link. Save your trouble. I'm making it easy for you. This is what I want this year. Or the No BS program is CelebrateCalm.com forward slash NOBS. Forward it to them. Say, I just did your shopping for you. And by the way, look, I was going to say, hey, instead of flowers this year, I want this. No, here's what I want you to do. I want you to say, I want this. And by the way, I want the flowers too. Why? Because I'm worth it. And because I deserve it. And because this is self-respect. See, that's the sound of self-respect. Not like, well, I don't care. Whatever you guys want to get me is fine. I don't need anything. Just having you with me, stop with that stuff. My mom does that all the time. Sorry, mom, if you're listening, but you got to stop it. You're

85. Come on. Right? Because she did that one Christmas. I don't care. And I said, mom, that's a lie. You do care. Because if your four boys didn't get you any gifts for Christmas, you would be hurt and you would be resentful because after all you did for us when we were kids and we can't even buy you a gift, that's your issue. Speak up for yourself. Be assertive. See, that's the sound of being assertive and I want you to be assertive. Single moms, if you're one of your hardest things in life, two hard things for single moms post-divorce is that you feel guilty so you buy everything for your kids and you make everything about your kids. And I get that at first,

but eventually you've got to redraw your boundaries and not make everything about them. Single moms, you need to learn to ask for help. So if you need help with our programs, right, financially, then email, everybody can with our programs, right, financially, then email. Everybody can email my son, Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, at CelebrateCalm.com or call him at 888-506-1871 and say, I want your stuff. Your dad's been describing my home and us and our kids and we want to help. I want you to stop feeling helpless. I want you to start

enjoying being a mom again. So I encourage you moms, what are you going to start doing for yourself? Write it down, post it on the mirror, post it on the refrigerator. And I want you to spend the month of May, start this before Mother's Day. Don't wait for Mother's Day. Let's do it now. So for the month of May, start new tradition. What are you going to do for yourself? If we can help you in any way, let us know. Be assertive. We like helping people and we want you to enjoy being a mom. We want you to have the confidence. We want you to know how to deal with strong-willed kids so you know what to say and how to say it. We want you to have these tools in your hand

so that you have answers, so that you have peace in your home. Define it for your husband and kids. What is it that you want for Mother's Day? I want calm in the home. I want siblings to be able to handle conflict so that I'm not the referee anymore. I want to stop walking on eggshells

and I want to know and I want to be able to be that calm rock that you can trust. It's a really cool thing when you get there. Moms, proud of you. You're a good mom. Now let's get rolling on this stuff. No excuses. Rolling and do something for yourself.