Calm Parenting Podcast - Why Kids Choose Consequences Over Simply Doing What You Ask

Episode Date: March 3, 2024

Why Kids Choose Consequences Over Simply Doing What You Ask You give a strong-willed child a simple instruction. If they would simply do what you asked, they’d be done in 7 minutes. But they would rather argue for 7 hours, days or weeks and lose everything they own. It’s infuriating and frustrating! Kirk shows you WHY your kids do this and HOW you can change this. Learn more at CelebrateCalm.com.  Our Spring Sale Begins NOW! You get everything we have ever recorded delivered directly to an app on your iPhone, iPad, Android, or computer. Listen anywhere, anytime. You get 35 hours of practical strategies and concrete examples, along with multiple PDF Workbooks. Make 2024 different. Click here to learn more and take advantage of our Spring Sale: https://celebratecalm.com/products/ Questions? Email [e-mail] and he'll be happy to help out! Try AG1 and get a FREE 1-year supply of Vitamin D3 & K2 AND 5 free AG1 Travel Packs with your first purchase exclusively at https://drinkAG1.com/calm. Visit https://wholelifepet.com/ and use promo code CALM to get 25% off your first order with free shipping over $50. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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But the strong-willed child would rather argue with you for seven hours or days or weeks or months and years and lose everything they own. Why do your kids do this and how can you change this dynamic? That is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. If you need help, reach out to our strong-willed son who is great at goading us with a twinkle in his eyes. It's Casey, C-A-S-E-Y at CelebrateCalm.com. Tell us about your family, ages of the kids, what are you struggling with? We get together as a family, discuss it. We will reply back to you

personally, usually very quickly with specific strategies you can use. That's our mission. So you've got a child who will purposefully goad you and sometimes make things harder on themselves rather than simply doing what you ask. And it can be infuriating. It can be puzzling to many of you. But it actually makes perfect sense if you understand what motivates and drives strong-willed kids. Now I'm going to go through a specific example. But let's begin with a quick overview of what is happening inside the brain of a more strong-willed child or kids that are on the spectrum.

And I recorded a previous podcast on why your kids seek to control people and situations. And that's because the paths or streets in their brains don't always connect, so it causes chaos inside of them. They don't feel in control of themselves. They seek to control everybody else. So now we move on to something else happening in their brains. So we return to the traffic analogy. So let's say that the traffic lights are blinking in this little city inside their brain. Well, when this happens in your city, who do they call in to regulate traffic? Well, that's the traffic cop. In our kids' brains, though, the traffic cop, forgive me for this, has been eating donuts and drinking soda all morning. It's a bad joke. Just roll with me.

And now this traffic cop has hit his or her sugar low and fallen asleep. And that's because certain areas of the brain have less activity and blood flow. And your kids may not get enough dopamine, causing the brain to be under-stimulated. This often leads to inattention. So that's part of what's going on. Your child's brain is under-stimulated. So with an under-stimulated prefrontal cortex, what need do our kids have? And remember, all behavior is driven by trying to meet needs. So if we understand what the root need is, we can meet that need proactively. That tends to change the behavior. So your kids have a need for their brains to be stimulated. Think about the medications that some of your kids take. What are they?

They're stimulants. They're waking the brain up. And that's why we spend so much time, especially in the ADHD University program, showing you how to stimulate your child's brain naturally using movement, music, and rhythm so they can focus and process information more effectively. So definitely go through that. It's part of the Calm Parenting Podcast.

So here are 10 symptoms of an understimulated brain. These are some things your kids may struggle with. Your kids may struggle with focus and attention, especially on subjects that don't interest them. Your child may chew on his or her sleeves, their collar, pencil erasers, anything they can get in their mouth. Transitions can be tough, can be difficult. Some kids talk a lot. They interrupt you. They blurt out in class. A lot of your kids have a lot of energy. They do things the hard way and they procrastinate because just think what procrastination is if I put something off and wait till the last minute well now now I might get in trouble now

I only have a little bit of time left well what happens it sends blood to your brain and that actually helps you focus by the way that's why kids often lay off the sofa upside down. Some of it is a sensory vestibular need. Some of it is when you're laying upside down off the sofa, blood flow rushes to your brain. Guess what happens? It helps with focus and attention. That's why I like doing homework upside down or quizzing kids upside down, having a hard talk upside down. It's really hard to yell at your kids and lecture when you're actually lying upside down off the sofa next to them. It's a really cool thing, actually.

Your kids probably struggle with impulse control. They're daydreamers. Look, daydreaming is a great thing. If you have a young child and you get a note from the teacher in the early years saying, well, your child is just daydreaming. Don't be freaked out. That's a good thing. Don't stamp that out. They daydream because they're so bright. They get things very quickly in class. And then in order to keep from being bored, they stimulate their brain. How? By starting to daydream. It's called using your imagination. You're visualizing things. We

want more of that. It's just hard because they're going to get in trouble for that in school, but it's actually great quality and very bright people daydream. Your kids also may argue like attorneys and pick on siblings. And that's the one I want to key in on in this episode. So arguing like attorneys and pushing your buttons. Why do they do that? Look, if all I have to do is roll my eyes and all that is is moving a couple eye muscles and watch the chain reaction that that sets off in the home. Child rolls their eyes. Young lady, you will not roll your eyes at me. I never did that to my mother. You will not do that in this home.

To which your daughter replies, whatever. Right? One word, two high muscles, and then you go off. After all I do for you, I cook for you and I clean for you and do your homework half the time and I don't tell dad. I do all these things. And then all that resentment built up because you do way too much for your kids, which is your choice. Not theirs. You chose that. Stop that, moms and dads. Break that pattern. What happens? You start getting upset. Then what happens? Well, your husband hears that. And we as men,

we have, there's one thing that scares us more than anything else in this world. And it's our wife being upset because we barely know what to do with you when everything is okay. But when you're upset, then we feel like we need to fix it. So dad marches into the room and he starts yelling at the daughter. Why? Because she upset his wife. And now the wife has to switch and now jump in and mediate between the daughter and the husband. You've been there. So just think what happened. This one daughter, whether she's 3 or 13, moved two eye muscles, rolled her eyes, and now two grown adults have just reacted and given her their intense emotional involvement.

And if I'm a kid and with minimal effort, I can get two parents or my brother or sister to react, why would I not do that all day long? I'm not saying it's right, but it makes perfect sense. And that's your issue. No blame or guilt, but it's your issue because you keep feeding the need for stimulation and intensity in a negative way. So here's the example I wanted to do because this is really good insight. Here's the example. You ask your more compliant child to take the trash out. It's pretty simple.

That child simply does it, right? Your more compliant child will just do it and there's no drama, there's no arguing, no negotiation, no lecture, no consequences, no fight. It's beautiful. That compliant child just takes the trash out. But then you ask your strong-willed child to take out the trash. And what ensues is a 45-minute courtroom drama with opening and closing statements by your expert attorney. Or maybe there's just flat-out refusal to take out the trash. Or perhaps even more infuriating, which is what Casey would do at times, was total neglect and simply ignoring that you even asked them to do something. So they just ignore your request without even

acknowledging that you spoke to them. You can have all three of these. Casey did all of these things. And now what do you have? You've got drama. You've got arguing, negotiations, lectures, and consequences. So, you are looking at this kid thinking, why? What would possess you to make things so difficult for yourself? And you have a choice to make as a parent right now. Now, before we get to your choice, I want to fully explain what is going on inside your child's heart and brain so you can make a fully informed choice in what you do next. Here is what often goes through your child's brain, even if this is kind of subconscious and they don't even know they're doing this.

Here's what they're saying. I know I will lose my screens for a few days, but it's worth it. is kind of subconscious and they don't even know they're doing this. Here's what they're saying. I know I will lose my screens for a few days, but it's worth it. That stimulation and intensity from you as my parents is so appealing, so predictable. Key in on that one. It's so predictable, isn't it? It's so satisfying, even even addictive that I'd rather just goad you then do what you ask and I know it would be easier if I just did what you ask but it's far more interesting to provoke you and sustain a power struggle or an argument especially to see your reactions because I know what they're going to be. Remember that predictability. I know what they're going to be, so I'd rather do that than simply do

what's been asked. You tell me to take out the trash. What's the upside for me? I take out the trash. Fine. But that's boring, and I hate doing little things like that for you although I'll happily do it for a neighbor or other adults but with a simple shrug of the shoulders a smirk a rolling of the eyes I can provoke a response in the grown adult in the home and you have taught me, mom and dad, by your previous 7,300 reactions, that by moving two eye muscles, I can control your emotions, your words, and your reactions. And now I am in complete control. See, the upside to not listening to you is way greater for me and with downside or consequences that I don't really care about.

Who cares if you take away my screens? But think about the upside. I now get 45 minutes of your intense emotional involvement because then you put your phone down, you march into my room, you yell at me, you engage in an argument with me, and I read that as being important enough for you to care about. Now, if I've been adopted or in foster care, I don't even really know this, but this is what's driving me inside. I associate your intensity with connection. I just don't differentiate between negative and positive intensity. Any intensity that I get means that I'm not neglected and that I'm important. So whether you're angry at me or happy with me doesn't really matter

because what my brain and heart register are this. It means that you cared enough to yell because apathy would be way worse. Plus, when we're arguing, I get to actually use some skills that I'm good at. See, at school, I'm not great at sitting still all day, listening to someone talk about things I'm not interested in. I'm not great at following through on directions and lining up in proper order to march off to the cafeteria. I'm not always great at school.

But when I get to argue with you, guess what I get to do? I'm using my critical thinking skills, my strategic thinking. I am marching you all over this chessboard because I can anticipate what you're going to say and do. And then I can manipulate or persuade or influence your emotions and actions. That's really interesting to me. That stimulates my brain. That's a challenge. And then I have to think, how much can I push you without getting into too much trouble?

Because now I've got to read the situation. I've got to know what kind of mood you're in, what kind of argument you just had with mom or dad. And this is also a little competitive. I've got to know what kind of mood you're in, what kind of argument you just had with mom or dad. And this is also a little competitive. And I want to win at this. I'm not always good at playing board games, but man, I can win this. And sometimes I feel a deep resentment towards you because you've never really understood me. And sometimes you've just made me feel like I'm a bad kid. So I'm going to get back at you by messing with you. You just gave me control over you, your words, your emotions.

Who wouldn't want that kind of control? And again, what's my downside? You yelling at me to go to my room and lose some privileges? Who cares? I didn't take the trash out and you're upset. I'm not. I just enjoyed all that drama. Now think about that for a moment. I think that sometimes there's even more to this if your child doesn't feel good about himself or feels like he's been unfairly treated by one or both of his parents, if he feels like you have compared him or her to the siblings. See, our kids are often very good at observing people in situations.

They see patterns in people in situations. That's why they're so good at building and playing with Legos and tinkering with things. I really want you to have this insight. If you have the programs, please listen to the Strong Willed Child program. You will get so much insight into this child. Because, look, they've noticed this pattern or dynamic between you and your spouse. So they'll play you against each other. And now they get to watch you fight.

I'm not saying this is good. I'm not saying it's right. It just is. And if they feel powerless to change a kind of harsh dad or mom, why not at least get some satisfaction from this and watch you squirm and argue with each other. It's the same in school with a teacher. If I sense that my teacher doesn't really like me and I don't really care about pleasing people or getting grades, why not just do this? I know

there are kids who purposefully get in trouble in the classroom so they get sent to the principal's office because now they're out of the boring class. They're sitting in front of the principal who's the president of the school and now they get to engage the president of the school in an adult conversation whether they're seven or seventeen and what does the principal often say to the teacher? I don't know why you're struggling with this kid. He's a brilliant kid. We just had an amazing conversation, right? Because you didn't have to teach that child. But that's why they did that. They wanted the brain stimulation. So you may have one of two different responses to this. If you're a naturally compliant person

this is going to be so hard because you're going to say but why wouldn't they want to do the right thing and this is where a lot of you are like but why wouldn't they want to get all a's why wouldn't they want to please people because they simply don't value the same things that you do they value their independence and freedom over pleasing other people and I want you to see that this is a really good quality in the long term. They want to own their own choices and they want to do it their way and that's not a bad thing. Remember, compliant people often get walked on. Compliant people often marry a controlling spouse and they don't get paid enough at work

because they're afraid of conflict and won't speak up for themselves. But your kids are motivated by different things and if you don't understand, you will misunderstand them and misjudge their motives a thousand times and say things like, well, if you would just apply yourself. Things that are very unmotivating,

cause a lot of angry and this will cause a rupture in your relationship because there is nothing worse for them than feeling misjudged and misunderstood. Now, if you're a naturally strong-willed person yourself, this child is just like you and you've experienced the pain of being a stove toucher yourself and because you love your child, you don't want them to experience the same pain that you have. But think about this. That pain is what has made you who you are today, whether that's good or bad. And now for your own comfort and out of compassion, you want to rob the

strong-willed child of the same experiences that made you who you are. No, don't do that. You can teach and lead them, but they're still stove touchers and they need and want to touch the hot stove. So you have a choice to make as the parent right now. You may continue to raise this child like you would raise other kids with the same expectations. And you wouldn't be wrong, so to speak, but the outcome will be predictably bad. This child will continually fail you and not live up to your expectations. He will internalize that he can never please you, that he's a bad kid,

that you like the compliant siblings better. And this will begin a slow but steady march toward either outright defiance or suddenly flipping you off or shutting down and retreating into this malaise that you will not be able to pull them out of possibly until their early 20s. And if I may venture to say this, this may also result in your marriage slowly but predictably falling apart. As you and your spouse pull away from each other and this causes a division in your marriage, right? And this is usually when one of the parents, usually moms, begins just handling the difficult child while the other spouse just goes off, hides, works, and handles the other kids. So what do you need to do instead? Number one, apologize. Apologize. Not grovel. This isn't groveling. I'm so sorry. No, you just apologize. Apologizing is just speaking truth. I apologize to reacting to you

for the first 7, 4, 14, 8, 10 years of your life. I apologize, son, daughter, for leading you to believe that you're in control of your emotions because you react, you provoke me, you provoke me, and then I react to that. I own that. That's my issue. I apologize. What we've done is we have created these wider pathways in their brains that just get fed continually by negative intensity and negative brain stimulation. We've made these pathways very wide because we've done that. And there's no blame and no guilt. I don't do that. I simply want us to acknowledge that we've done that. And then I can begin apologizing. I did it to Casey. Casey, I apologize. For the first nine years of your life,

I led you to believe that you were in control of my emotions because every time you reacted or didn't do what I said, every time you disappointed me, I reacted and I gave you intensity. I taught you that the best and easiest and quickest way for you to get my intensity, my attention, even my love was for you to do something wrong. And I apologize for that, son. That was wrong of me. And I'm going to change that now. That's just speaking truth. And so I did that. And then here's the second thing. Learn to control yourself,

control your reactions, your body posture, your disappointment, that shaking of your head that I used to do, your anger, your control issues. And I know it sounds like a lot, but in reality, it's not. And here's my challenge to you. If you will focus all of that energy that you usually use to try to control or change or fix your child's behavior, and you focus that on changing your own, you will change this quickly. So think about that. Every day when you wake up, what do we first think about? How can I get my child to do X? We spend

so much energy, you as a single parent or you with your spouse, lay up in bed at night and you're thinking, how can I motivate this child? How can I fix these things? You spend hours and hours, probably a day, if not each week, thinking of how can I possibly get this child to change? And if you will instead put that same energy into changing your own emotions, dealing with your anger issues, your control issues, I promise you that will begin to change very quickly. You will become a new person that you and your spouse and your kids respect. You'll begin breaking generational patterns. I encourage you go through the 30 Days to Calm program because we will get this done. We will work through your triggers. We

will break these patterns. It will change everything. Look, I kind of want to end the podcast right here because this is what I want you to focus on this week obviously after we get that done what do we do we're going to change the dynamic we're going to give your kids positive intention intensity proactively affirming your kids for things they're already doing well we're going to learn how to spark what really motivates them not you. But those are each podcast in themselves. And I want to keep this short, focused. So this week, if you need, you don't have to apologize out loud.

But I think it's a good thing to do. And I think it's speaking truth and honesty. And there's also accountability. I apologize. I'm going to work on controlling myself instead. And then let's do that for this next week. Let's focus on simply controlling yourself, not reacting.

Listen, if you can't listen to this podcast daily, go over it again and again, right? If you have the Calm Parenting Package or the Get Everything Package, go through the ADHD University one, the Strong Willed Child Program, and the 30 Days to Calm First. Listen, they come right on an app.

You listen to it daily. It will get it inside your head, inside your heart, inside your spirit. And it will begin to change you from the inside out. So take that energy you've put into changing your child and instead put that into changing yourself. This is actually life altering. It will change you for the rest of your life. And I know you can do this. Why? Because I'm a dopey dude and I did it. So if we can help you, let us know. Reach out to Casey

at CelebrateCalm.com. Let us know if we can help you. If you need help with the programs, if you need help financially, reach out to Casey. He'll help you out with that, okay? Because that's what we're here for. Hey, love you all. We'll talk to you soon. Share this podcast if you found it helpful.

Thanks.