Calm Parenting Podcast - Why Won’t My Kids Just Do What I Ask?! #438

Episode Date: January 12, 2025

Why Won’t My Kids Just Do What I Ask?! It's not like you are asking your kids to do anything unreasonable or hard! And yet they resist you. How can we get our kids to actually be responsible for themselves without the power struggles? Kirk shows you exactly how with some powerful scripts that may change your relationship with your strong-willed child…and their behavior. Begin 2025 with hundreds of practical strategies that really work with your strong-willed kids. Visit https://celebratecalm.com/calm-2025/ to take advantage of our New Year's Sale and make 2025 DIFFERENT. AG1 AG1 is offering new subscribers a FREE $76 gift when you sign up. You’ll get a Welcome Kit, a bottle of D3 & K2 AND 5 free travel packs in your first box. Go to https://drinkag1.com/calm  HAPPY MAMMOTH Get 15% off on your entire first order at https://HappyMammoth.com with the code CALM at checkout.  HUNGRYROOT.COM Get 40% off your first box PLUS get a free item in every box for life. Go to https://hungryroot.com/ and use code CALM. ONE SKIN Go to https://oneskin.co and use code KIRK at checkout for an exclusive 15% off your first purchase. COZY EARTH Wrap yourself and your kids in Cozy Earth luxury...with 40% OFF! Visit https://cozyearth.com/ and use my exclusive 40% off code CALM.  AIRDOCTOR Head to https://AirDoctorPro.com and use promo code CALM to get UP TO $300 off today! AirDoctor comes with a 30-day money back guarantee, plus a 3-year warranty—an $84 value, free! IXL LEARNING Get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at https://IXL.com/KIRK. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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limited time you can get 15% off your entire first order at happy mammoth.com with the code CALM at checkout. That's happy mammoth.com with the code CALM. So do you ever get frustrated and just think like why won't my kids just do what I asked them to do? It's not like I'm asking them anything Unreasonable or to do anything that that's is that hard. It's like I do half the stuff for them. Anyway It's not like we fought our parents like this when we were kids and why do they have to fight me all the time? Why can't you just do what I asked them to do? do they have to fight me all the time? Why can't you just do what I ask them to do?

Well, of course you have those feelings because you have a strong-willed child and that's very normal. So on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, I wanna give you some tools so you can actually release your kids to do what they need to do, but without you badgering them and micromanaging them

and ruining your relationship with them. So this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. I am glad you are here. You can find us and I think we're continuing our New Year sale even though we're well into the New Year. Why? Because it's our organization. We can do whatever we want and we're strong-willed as well. So you can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. So let's jump into this. I'm going to answer a series of questions from parents and try to demonstrate some of these principles. And the first question is this. It was a dad email and he's like, hey, we got this new dog. And one of the first things the dog did was chew up some of our youngest son's toys. And now our son doesn't like this new dog but we love this dog and when he sees this is awesome when this little boy sees other

dogs he's like oh you're such a great dog and then he berates it and puts down his own dog and so the dad's like we don't want to have to get rid of this dog like how can we how can we make this kid get our kid to like the dog? And so here is the answer, and I'm choosing this one, even though it doesn't relate to many of you, but I promise you when you hear the principles and the process, you will be able to relate this to so many different situations in your home.

So here's what we typically do, right? Sometimes we'll start with the convincing tone where it's like, well buddy you know it's our new dog and he deserves a second chance and I think once you really get to know him you're really going to like him. Well here's the deal with convincing. When you try to try to convince a strong willed child of something you usually get the opposite result. It just doesn't work. And many of us spend our kids' whole childhood

trying to convince them to believe what we believe. And they will almost always reject that, partly because it sounds like weakness. Sometimes we will use guilt on our kids. And I do warn you, those of you who are religious parents, watch bringing God into things. Well, I think God wants us to be able to forgive. And now you're using like God is the bad guy. And it's just like, I can't get you to believe this, so I'm gonna bring in this extra authority figure. Watch that. You don't want to use

guilt to get kids or any humans to do other things. Sometimes we take the hard line approach. You know what? We're not getting rid of the dog so you need to suck it up and just like the dog and you better like the dog because we all like the dog. Well you know with strong willed kids they're going to reject that as well. So what if dad, mom, you walked into this situation and you just had an honest talk with your son and you said, well, of course you wouldn't like this new dog. The first thing he did was chew up some toys that you really like. I probably wouldn't like that dog either.

And then you stop pressuring the child because you know this happens in your home. We make all these little comments because we just can't control ourselves and we're like you know that dog is really cute. You know he's really fast. You know that dog if you would do right and we and we plant all these little seeds but you know what you're planting is a lot of pressure and you just keep mentioning it. And what I told this dad is I promise you if you will release your son from the expectation that he is supposed to like this dog, I promise you if you give your child some space in time he will on his own time grow fond of this dog and bond with this dog.

But you have to give your kids space to come to it because if what you want your child to do is laced with your expectations, they will always reject that. They don't want to believe in things. They don't want to do things just because someone else wants them to do it Does that mean you let them get away with everything? No, we've been through that a million times But you what but you have to let go of that those strong those Expectations that are largely driven by your anxiety Because this is well, I we really want him to like them because we all love this dog and we don't want to have this constant conflict with him and see all

of those feelings inside of you actually work against you and if you want here's another principle if you want something too badly your strong-willed child will reject that because what they know is you want it so badly that they will never be able to please you and that comes in the form of grades and different behaviors in this situation. So I told the dad I was like just release him from that pressure of having to like a dog because he doesn't have to like the dog and what happened was the rest of the family just went about enjoying the dog

and they gave this child space. And there were times where the dad would notice that his son was starting to go up and talk to the dog and pet the dog. And when they finally backed off of him, it freed him. That's a big principle. When you step back from micromanaging, from lecturing, from trying to make your kids do things, it gives them space to step up. It's like it frees

them to do what is right without all of your pressure. So really internalize some of those things and use that in different situations this week and watch how that works. Okay, second question was this. Well, we've got our daughter just had a birthday party and people brought gifts and she wouldn't say thank you. She's a really shy kid. Well, here's what I know about this. Some of that is going to be your own embarrassment, right? Because all the other parents are like, well, I can't believe that your daughter didn't say thank you for their birthday gift. And you look at all the other kids, the neurotypical or whatever compliant kids, and they're always so, oh, Mrs. Johnson, it was so thoughtful of you to give me that gift. And your child just

like is looking down and is grunting. And I get that. and there's a certain amount of guilt maybe that you internalize thinking have we done something wrong? Why didn't we teach her the proper way? You just have a shy kid. I was voted shyest boy in my high school class. I was shy as a kid. You know how this works when you're in a grocery store and a friend of yours comes up and you're like oh Sarah say hi to Miss Johnson and your child like hides behind your leg, honey that's rude. And now watch all this pressure is brought to bear

on a little kid who's just naturally shy. And the more you pressure this child to say thank you, to come and talk to strangers because you've taught them stranger danger and now you're asking them to say hi to a stranger. But the more you pressure, the more they will resist. You have to release your kids to come to some of these things on their own timeline. So in so that means just let them get away with things.

No, you model it, model it. Show them. Give them space. And the moment you release them from some of this pressure, they will step up and do it themselves. But watch this pressure thing that comes from us. They don't want to do things while you're watching them. Look, this applies to potty training and poop. Look, if you, if someone walked around all day and asked you, hey, do you have to go? Do you have to go? Do you need to use the bathroom? What about now? You got to go? It's been an hour. Don't you think you need to pee? Don't you need to poop? Well, what would happen? You would become constipated. But we do that to our kids day, a lot of our kids daily because we're like,

well, I've got to get them to potty train. gotta get them to do that or many of your kids were potty trained but then you had another kid and they've reverted back to just needing a diaper and there's all kinds of competition other things going on I'm gonna address that I'm gonna do that I'm gonna do a series coming up on potty training bedtime sleep issues and eating food issues. So, but for right now what I want you to know is if you will just release your child from some of those expectations, it may release something inside of their bowels because you're not standing over them all the time. So that also relates to this of

releasing your kids from your artificial timeline. And I know how this works. It's hard because you look at other people and their kids are progressing and doing all of these different things at this certain time. All of those timelines are just artificial. Your strong will kids will often bloom a little bit later. They have to take their own time. Your kids will watch, think about this. We always, what is one of those phrases? Oh, when we were kids, when I was a kid.

Well, now you're just holding your child captive to your experience from two decades ago. Well, that's not right and that's not fair. So I think about this when you're trying to get your child to do something and it's and and and you're pressuring them doesn't it feel like sometimes they're just staring at you like waiting for you to back off and they're not always mature enough to say mom dad I know what you want me to do. It's very clear.

You've told me like 8,000 times. But if you're just going to stand there and always be watching me and waiting for me to do it and then correcting me when I don't do it the first time the right way or your way, I'm out. I want no part of that. And I will just resist you even if you give me consequences, even if you take things away from me.

I am not laboring under your pressure and under those expectations. I simply refuse to do that. But if you will step back a little bit and give me some space to figure things out myself, oh, I will take some steps forward. But there's no way I'm doing it while I'm under all of your pressure

because you'll never be happy with it. You've seen this before. Like if your child is in the living room, they're building with something, they're tinkering with things and making something and working or working on some project and you walk into the room and out of a good heart and good intentions,

you come in because you want to help your child and you're like, oh honey let me show you a different way to do that because I can show you a better way, easier way, a quicker way to do it and immediately your strong willed child is like, I'm out. Why? Because they don't want to do it your way and they know that your way comes laced with so much anxiety and so many expectations. So if you want to write a note down to yourself and put it on your mirror or one little phrase this week, just write down, step back so my kids can step up and be responsible for themselves because that's a goal of our parenting.

It's not just to change their behavior. It's for our kids to learn how to be in control of themselves. And watch all of our lectures and pressure is us just being responsible for our kids. What we really want is for them to learn to be responsible for themselves. So think about that for a minute. So you know I like simple strategies you can use every day to make a difference. The same goes with my gut health and immune support. That's why I love the simplicity of beginning every single day with my AG1 routine.

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That's www.drinkag1.com. com to start your new year on a healthier note. What's in this McDonald's bag? The McValue Meal. For $5.79 plus tax, you can get your choice of junior chicken, Mcdouble, or chicken snack wrap, plus small fries and a small fountain drink. So pick up a McValue Meal today at Participating McDonald's Restaurants in Canada. Prices exclude delivery. See, this almost always comes back to us not as blame or guilt just that we have an extraordinary amount of power with our kids and their behavior and their development just by controlling our own anxiety and our and all of those pressures inside of us that we're putting on our kids. So we're talking

about releasing your kids from this pressure. Well I want to release you from some of this pressure. I want you to I want to release you from the idea that you are responsible for your child's success in life. Now what you're responsible for is to model how to live life. Let them see you living it out. But you can't control whether they're successful or not. And part of what's hard about being a modern-day parent is that we're so aware of everything that our kids say and think and do.

Whereas like our parents barely knew our names at times. We were outside all the time. And so part of the beauty is we're very connected to our kids, but now we get very entangled with them. It's like, well, I think if I just focus on every single thing that they do, I can kind of construct a successful child. Well, what happens is you actually kind of keeps them from growing and progressing and they shut down even more. I want to release you from the idea that you are responsible for your child's happiness. You are not responsible for the happiness of any other person on this planet and moms

and dads, especially moms, because you have these big hearts and it's hardwired into you. That will cause you so many issues and I do encourage you, for those of you who have our programs, I just updated the 30 Days to Calm program, tons of new content and new strategies. We go through some childhood issues, this entanglement with constantly taking the temperature of the home, all those things.

So definitely, even if you went through that program before, do it again fresh because there's so much content in that. If you don't have that, go through it. But one of the things we go through is releasing from that idea that I'm responsible to try to take care of, manage everybody's emotions and manage everybody's happiness. You are responsible to your child. You are responsible to model, to be kind and thoughtful, to listen, to be patient, to teach them, to problem solve. But you're not responsible for making them happy or managing

their moods. Moms and dads, you cannot do that in your home for your spouse, for other people. It will lead to adrenal fatigue and all kinds of issues and it'll just, you can't do it. You are not responsible for your child's boredom. That is theirs to handle. You give them some tools but you have to give them space so they can own that because otherwise you're going to have to be like their circus clown for their entire childhood. That's not your job to do. Some of you you have to release yourself from the idea that your job is to make sure everything goes well, that everything is perfect. And that's why I like practicing imperfection. So I want you to resign from that job that you have felt like you've had to do for maybe your whole life. Probably look,

some of these are childhood issues. You had a home in which you had an alcoholic parent or there was a lot of chaos in the home. So what happened as As a little kid you were like, hey if I'm gonna feel safe I gotta jump in and start taking care of things. Or so you become highly conscientious. You become a caretaker of other people and then later in life you become a nurse. You become someone in a helping profession. You become the mom that manages the temperature of the home and takes care of everything. Make sure everything goes well. Or maybe you became the good girl or good boy growing up and so now you're just always trying to please everybody else and that will eventually wear you out. I want you to release you from this

from thinking that every single action and choice your child makes will determine whether they turn out right or not. It's just not true. I want to release you from that lie. Every decision will not impact the future. Sometimes you have to do what works in the moment just to get through the day and when you have strong will kids I know you're gonna get judged by other people and you're gonna watch and see how everybody else does it. Your life is going to look different and I want you to know that's okay do what works for your family because other people have no idea how hard this is do what works for your family surround yourself with people who get it right it's kind

of like with that family dinner time every night well we have to do family dinner time every night because that's how you connect and bond with your family. Well, it's not gonna work if you have a little kid who literally can't sit still right now, or you have your eight or 10 year old who's fidgeting a little bit, and every night at dinner tables, dad's saying, Jacob, Jacob, you are going to sit still at the dinner table.

We are going to enjoy dinner together as a family. Well, apparently you're not. So what if a couple nights a week you feed the little kids early and just let them eat while they're standing or playing or sitting on the floor and then you and your spouse and if you have a child who's just great at the dinner table you enjoy dinner together without all this pressure. Is that the way you always envisioned it? No, but it's what works and there's nothing wrong with that because now you can bond with your kids after dinner where they don't have to sit perfectly still at a table and eat

perfectly and finish everything on their plate. Now you're going to create all kinds of food issues and eating disorders. So relax with that a little bit. Now I want to show you one other, this is perhaps the most powerful way to release your kids from your expectations. And I saved this for the end. Um, and so I just took an excerpt from our programs because I find this to be. Very, very, a very, very powerful step.

It has a very, there's a really deep quality about this that will reach deep inside of your kids. So these are some things that you can say to your kids. You can actually write some of these things to your kids, but mostly it's an attitude that you begin to take toward your kids that I think you will find extremely powerful. Son or daughter, I release you from following arbitrary rules and expectations that you know inside are simply not right. They're just old traditions, maybe things that have always been expected, but it doesn't mean they're right.

I release you to do what's right. Quick side note, I did this with our son when he was in school, and some of the schools had a policy, which I totally get, which is zero tolerance for any kind of physical stuff going on, but what I told Casey is hey if I know what the rules of the school are but if there is a kid who is getting beat up or a kid who's being hurt physically you are always allowed and I expect you if it's safe to jump in and stick up for that person. If you need to subdue the bully in order to protect another child,

oh, you do what's right. You don't look, you don't always have to follow the rules, but I always want you to do what is right in life. And if because that zero tolerance policy, you get suspended for two or three days, that's fine. I'll take days off work and we'll go and have fun and celebrate the fact that you did the right thing. It's a little bit of a side note. But sometimes you have to release these kids from this.

I release you from thinking that grades and behavior are the most important qualities to develop when in fact, here's what's most important. It's your persistence, compassion, your ingenuity, your creativity, your desire to help others, your ability to see patterns in things, your critical thinking skills. That's what's going to make you wildly successful in life. And look, you can begin doing things with a toddler. Release them from your expectations. Look, the expectations of a toddler are that they're supposed to be curious and get into things and make messes and ruin your agenda and explore.

So inside, you begin releasing them and you'll notice as you do this, you'll stop complaining so much about that and talking to your friends and your spouse like, Oh, I can't believe that my child got into these things. And you're like, well, of course I can believe that they did because that's their job as a little kid is to be impulsive and to make messes and to get into things because otherwise you will begin to clamp down I get emails all the time like we have a three and a half year old we have a four-year-old and they're driving me crazy and I get that but it's like what are you expecting are you expecting your four-year-old to act like a 44 year old? Or are they supposed to be difficult at times? And because they're just figuring life out, right?

They haven't figured out how many of us have a hard time But keeping a certain bedtime or certain routines and we're grown adults So it makes sense to me the little kid who's absorbing all these new things in life and all this anxiety and wondering about the future has trouble at night sleeping sometimes. So, when you release your kids from some of these false expectations, you're actually releasing them to listen more, to do it the right way without all your pressure. I'd encourage you release your child from some of some of your faith and family expectations, especially once they're just old traditions you grew up with and you never challenge, but the strong will child is going to come along and they're going to challenge every single thing

that you believe and that and they're going to push you out of your comfort zone. You're going to begin questioning things yourself and you're going to you're going to find that this child that you think is being rebellious was probably given to you so that you could be changed because they're not afraid to question and if you handle that in the right way, man, you will both grow so much and you want your kids questioning things. These are kids who have to reject what you want first so they can own it themselves, but once they own it, it's deep inside of them. They just don't want to do it because mommy or daddy

or teachers or society told them to do that. And I'm still doing that with Casey at times of just releasing him to do life the way he's supposed to do it, not the way I have done it. An ironic part is when I release him from pressure, he usually would listen more and follow our lead. Now here are some really powerful statements. I release you from thinking you have to be like me. I release you from thinking you have to do things the way I would do it. I release

you to be the person you're supposed to be, not the one that I wanted, not the expectation that I put on you. I release you to be who you are supposed to be, not to be a little me. This one is really important moms and dads. I release you from thinking you need to be like your siblings. You don't. You're supposed to be different. I'm glad you're different because you bring different things to the table. You have different unique gifts and passions and interests. You have to do that with siblings or the strong willed child who is usually the one in trouble will grow resentful toward the good child and you will have endless fights and resentment

between those siblings. So release them. I release you from the false expectations of society and I ask you to forgive me for comparing you to your siblings, to your peers. Man, if you don't do that these kids will internalize I'm dumb, I'm stupid, I'm less than. This is really important stuff. I release you from the artificial timelines that society and schools propagate. There's no one path and kids like you,

you've got this busy brain that has great ideas and you're a deeper processor of information. That's why you connect better with adults. It's why you excel in the adult world. And so I take the pressure off of you to conform to someone else's timeline. I free you from comparison to siblings, to peers, to others. And if you from comparison to siblings, to peers, to others.

And if you bloom a little later, know that when you do, it is going to be spectacular. It will be in the right timing because it is your timing. So take your time. Don't force it and know when it's time you'll go to the next step. I release you to discover and follow the path you are supposed to take, not the path that I or anyone else has wanted you to take. Forgive me for trying to make you be like everybody else. I want you to be you because we need your creativity, your ingenuity, we need your perspective. So moms and dads, let's work on that this week releasing your kids from your expectations

and your anxiety and when you do you will find your kids will step up more when you step back. They will take ownership over their choices, their boredom, their lives. They will follow your lead when you stop badgering them and pushing them to follow you. When you release them from those expectations and you step back so they can step up. When you control your anxiety, release them from your pressure. So I know this is hard stuff. Thank you for working so hard at this. I have so much respect for you for really digging in and working at this. I thank you for sharing the podcast. Thank you for going through the programs and working so hard. If we can help you in

any way, please let us know. Okay, love and respect to you all. Bye-bye.