Calm Parenting Podcast - Why Your Kids Ask “Why?” Every Time

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey moms and dads, you know that our goal is to raise curious kids who love to learn, and iXL makes that so much easier. iXL is an online learning program that enriches your homeschool curriculum from K-12. iXL encourages students to be curious and empowers them to choose how to learn. No matter your child's learning style or knowledge level, IXL has video tutorials and learning games to guide your child in the way your kids learn best while meeting them at their level. On IXL, kids can explore any topic in any grade level. They're not forced into a single learning path. Kids love IXL's positive feedback and parents love knowing specific skills that need work.

Starting point is 00:00:48 Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash k Kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. So you know we are very purposeful about how we manage our emotions and take care of our bodies because we only have one body and one skin. That's why we love OneSkin. Their products make it easy to keep your skin healthy while looking and feeling your best. We use the face topical supplement and love that there's no complicated routine,

Starting point is 00:01:32 no multiple step protocols, just simple scientifically validated solutions. The secret is One Skin's proprietary OS1 peptide. It's the first ingredient proven to switch off the aging cells that cause lines, wrinkles, and thinning skin. OneSkin is the world's first skin longevity company. By focusing on the cellular aspects of aging, OneSkin keeps your skin looking and acting younger for longer. Get started today with 15% off using code Kirk at OneSkin.co. That's 15% off at OneSkin.co with code K-I-R-K. After you purchase, they'll ask where you heard about them. So please support our podcast and tell them we sent you. So do you have a child who when you ask him or her to do something, always responds with the question, why? Well, of course you do. That's why you're listening to the Calm Parenting

Starting point is 00:02:30 Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. We're thrilled that you're here. We ask you to share this podcast with other people. And if you ever need help, find us at CelebrateCalm.com or email our strong-willed son, whose only words he ever knew when he was younger was, why? That's partly where we learned this, and we had about 1,500 kids come into our home, and we've worked with about a million families, so you're not alone. This is pretty normal that your kids do that, so if you need help, email Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, at CelebrateCalm.com, and tell us about your family, and he'll ask you why. I'm kidding. He'll help you out. So look, here's what's going on. Because typically what happens is you walk into the room,

Starting point is 00:03:11 you tell your child something, and he or she responds with, why? And your response, like my career military father's response is, ours is not the reason why, ours is but to do and die. That was from the Charge the Light Brigade. That was my upbringing. So you don't ask why of your parents, right? I get that. Listen, if you think that you're going to walk into a room and that you're a military general or you're their platoon captain, and they're just going to ask, when you say jump, they ask, how high, sir? It's not going to happen. And especially with a strong willed child. And I will tell you, it's not even human nature to do it. Now, some of you are very compliant and that's a wonderful thing, but your kids aren't. And it's unnatural. I know what you want to hear, which is, of course, mother, of course, father,

Starting point is 00:03:59 right away. I'll get ready and drop everything I'm doing and I'll hurry out the door and I'll match your crazy pace and what you want so that you don't get upset. I know that's what we want to hear. It's not going to happen and you're going to get pushback and you're going to think that your child is being defiant. Sometimes your kids are defiant, but in this case, they're not being defiant. What they're looking for is context. And I encourage you to write that word down in big, broad, wide letters, bold letters, context. Strong willed kids need a lot of context. I do not want to explain things to them. I'm not going to plead with them. I'm not going to ask too sweetly, but I'm also not going to scream and yell. But I will at times provide

Starting point is 00:04:42 context. These are big picture thinker kids. They're good at chess and checkers and Legos and arguing with you. And all of those things have one thing in common. They require strategy. These are kids who see patterns in things. And so when you tell them something, they're trying to fit it into a pattern in their brains and in their life. I personally do this all the time at age 54. I seek patterns. It provides comfort. It tells me about the world.

Starting point is 00:05:15 I've seen patterns throughout my life, so I can tell when things are going to happen. And context is extremely important for me. I am a huge asker of the question, why? Tell me what the big picture is. So I'm going to give you a very specific example of how to use this. But before I do that, I want to mention this for your kids as they get a little bit older, say fifth grade and above, middle school, high school, as kids get older, instead of just telling them what to do all the time, and especially instead of lecturing, I provide context or perspective. So an older child tells me something and instead of responding with, well, you know what you really

Starting point is 00:05:56 need to do is, because all that guarantees is your child's going to do the opposite and not listen to you. What I tend to do with older kids is say, hey, here's some perspective. Think about this. Here's what I know from life, what typically happens in these situations. So give that some thought. And I believe that you're capable of making really good decision. And then I walk away and I want the kids to come to me to ask for more. I'm not going to push and push and push, but as kids get older, when I provide context and perspective and some space for them to really think about it, what I'm doing is training them to be an adult. Because if you're an adult, people aren't running around telling you exactly what to do all the time. You have to learn to

Starting point is 00:06:42 think. You take in lots of different information and then you make decisions. And I want to train kids from a very early age to begin to think for themselves. Now, we don't really like that as parents because we just want them to do what we told them to do. But I encourage you to begin using context. Here's an example. So you've got a child and he's been waiting all week for Saturday morning because Saturday morning there's no pressure to get up and do schoolwork or rush off to school where he's anxious and is on red on the behavior chart and maybe struggles with making friends his own age. So he's happy. He's going to get up and be in his PJs and he's going to build with Legos, right? This example we're going to use. And so

Starting point is 00:07:22 he's happy. He's got like all morning it's awesome he can be creative nobody's telling him what to do and then all of a sudden parent walks into room hey put your legos up put your shoes on we need to go and immediately the child's going to ask well why and you're likely going to you know what i don't have i don't have time for your attitude just put your shoes on we need to go now and I guarantee as soon as you go to that tone of voice, now it's fight or flight, and it's more likely going to be fight. And now you're going to spend 15, 20 minutes, maybe 30, maybe an hour, if there are tears involved, fighting, getting into a power struggle, and you're going to walk away thinking, that child is just so defined. Why does he have to make everything so difficult?

Starting point is 00:08:09 And I get it, parents. It's really, really hard. I get it. But they weren't being defined, and we're the adults, so I'm putting that one on us. With a simple little change, an extra 10 seconds of context, we can almost always get a different response from the child. Because when you walk in through, hey, put that up. We need to go right now. What they hear in your voice is your anxiety because you're in a hurry. You know your child doesn't always move that well and they're not always that compliant and you're anticipating the power struggle and you've got to get to go where you've got to go and you're running late already because you're anticipating the power struggle and you've got to get to go where you've got to go. And you're running late already because you're a little bit frazzled. And they can feel that anxiety and they want nothing to do with your anxiety. I will tell you that your kids mostly are not rejecting you.

Starting point is 00:08:54 They are rejecting your anxiety. I would encourage you, if you have not done it already, go through the 30 Days to Calm program. Those of you that got the Calm Parenting Package on sale, which it still is, I think this week, we've got a different sale going on. But listen to the 30 Days to Calm program because that'll help you get control of yourself and you will see such huge changes. The program we're featuring this week is the, well, two of them because we're doing these for $99, which is awesome, awesome, awesome. For 99 bucks, you get four programs in the Get the Bag. So look on our website for Get the Bag. And one of those four programs is 30 Days to Calm.

Starting point is 00:09:29 There's another one on Discipline, on Defiance, and on the Strong Willed Child to teach you all this stuff. And then there's, if you have a slightly older child, I do the No BS program. So anyway, if you need help, call Casey. But here's where I want to go with this. So let's say you walk into the room and instead you do this.

Starting point is 00:09:46 Again, an extra 10 seconds can sometimes save 10 minutes or 10 hours of fighting. So I walk in the room. Hey, Jacob, really cool Lego project you're working on there. Listen, plans have changed. Grandma called and she's sick and I could really use your help. Do me a favor. pick up the Legos. I'll help you out. We'll put that up on the table

Starting point is 00:10:09 so the dog doesn't knock it over and maybe we'll grab a few Legos. If you could do that and grab some soup from the pantry, throw your shoes on. We're gonna go help grandma out and I promise you later this afternoon, we'll have plenty of time

Starting point is 00:10:22 to keep building with Legos. I'll even help you out with it. Now, is he going to say, mom, dad, thanks so much for providing context. Now I really want to go. He's not going to say that, but he's more likely to probably grumble a little bit, which is understandable, but then get up and take a specific action step because now he's got a game plan. So let's break this down. When I walked in and I said, hey, really cool Lego project you're working on there. I just acknowledge that what he is doing is important to him. Is it important to you? No. Most of what your kid's doing is not important to you. Doing TikTok videos, being on

Starting point is 00:11:05 screens, building with their Legos, whatever they're making or destroying in your house to create something with. But it's important to them. This is human nature. You know our phrase, before compliance, you connect. Connection before compliance. And what I just did was connect with the child and say, and I affirmed like, hey, you're really creative. That's a really cool Lego project. It's really important to you that you're doing that. And I love that you're doing that instead of doing TikTok videos, whatever it is. But I just acknowledge that. What did that take? That took five seconds of my time to acknowledge that. Listen, plans have changed. And notice my tone of voice. I'm not getting in an anxious voice.

Starting point is 00:11:45 I'm not coming in and pleading. I'm not. I just said, listen, plans have changed. Boom. You just gave your child like a second and a half to adjust in his mind because when he heard plans have changed inside, he's thinking, oh crap. And instead of just springing it on him, hey, put your stuff away. Stop doing what you're doing and you're going to do what I'm going to do right now. I just said plans have changed. It gives them a half a second to adjust and begin to move. You know how your kids are. They don't do transitions well. And I'm imploring you, stop treating them like they're you. Maybe you're good at transitions, but they're not. Stop fighting their nature. You've known because you have asked them 436 times to do something different and transition and 436 times it hasn't worked that well. So I

Starting point is 00:12:39 know this about my child. So why would I not adjust a little bit? And no, they don't transition that well. So I just say, hey, plans have changed. Listen, your grandma's sick. Okay, that's the context. Now, I'm not explaining that it's really important for us to help grandma and to help other people. And if we're going to be people of faith, I'm not doing a long explanation. I'm not trying to convince them. I'm just laying out the facts of the case, which is things have changed, and grandma called, and she's sick, and in your child's brain, he knows we got to help grandma, okay? And so there's some context there to place this change within some context of something that makes sense. Now, again, this is going to brush up against

Starting point is 00:13:26 those of you who are still hung up on like, well, I'm the authority figure. When I walk in the room, he just needs to jump and do it. I get that. But you don't do that always for other people. Okay. And if you do, you're resentful about it. Right. A good authority figure leads and I'm leading my child now. Right. So listen, plans have changed. We've got to go help grandma. Listen, do me a favor. I need some help. And what did I ask? One, I helped them. Maybe I picked up the Legos because part of the reason they freak out is like, well, if I leave the Legos on the floor, the dog is going to get into them. So I said, I'll help you put it up on the table. Hey, grab a few Legos. Do me a favor. Grab a can of soup. Your kids like to be helpful.

Starting point is 00:14:06 They like to be part of things. That's what you will hear on that Strong Willed Child program is all about ownership. They want some ownership of the process. So I asked you to get some soup, throw your shoes on. We're going to go help grandma. That's our new mission. And then I headed off the big question and the big meltdown, which is because this is what your child's thinking.

Starting point is 00:14:25 Mom, Dad, you always say we're going to go to Grandma's house for two hours, but it's going to end up being eight hours. And it's boring at our house, and it smells like old people. And then on the way home, we're going to have to stop at the nail salon and the grocery store, and that's stupid. And I'm never going to get to play with my Legos. And all I wanted to do all week long is play with my... You know that's where that's coming from. And I just headed that off by saying, look, we're going to grandma's. We're going to be there for a few hours. Bring some Legos with you. But when we get back, I'm going to carve out some time and we're going to have time to finish this

Starting point is 00:14:59 project. And by the way, I'll even sit down and do it with you. Now, does that mean your child's going to say, yes, ma'am. Yes, sir. Of course. No, they're probably still going to grumble a little bit. And I give them a little bit of grumbling because I grumble a little bit when plans change and you don't do what I say. But eventually what happens is they will do what you ask them to do because then you go about being busy and you getting ready, but you gave them a game plan.

Starting point is 00:15:22 You acknowledged what they were doing was important and you gave them a vision of the future, which is we're going to be back here later. We're going to have time to do this. I'm not ruining your whole day with it. Now, if you are going to have to ruin the whole day because grandma fell and she's in the hospital and you're going to be gone for the whole day, then be honest and say, listen, this stinks, but grandma's sick and we're going to go help. We're going to go help grandma. So let's're gonna go help we're gonna go help grandma so let's grab some stuff that we can take that you can do at the hospital but at least i'm providing a context and a game plan does that make sense i want you to work on that this week of just walking into the room and providing a little bit of context for things not explanations and not trying to

Starting point is 00:16:01 convince them why it's important that they get on board with you, but just some context. And with your older kids, don't talk so much. Go with that lower key thing of like, look, I know what you're, I kind of get what you're, you're, you're encountering here. Let me just give you a little perspective. Here's what I've found. And I give them a little information in 30 seconds or a minute and then say, I believe you're capable of making good choice. Look, if you want to talk about this, I'll be glad to listen. I'll be glad to give you a little bit of wisdom, and give them some space to work through it, and as you do that, they're more likely to come to you when you're not forcing everything on them. So that's our lesson for this week. I believe that you can do it, and if we can help you reach out to us, email Casey at celebrate calm.com. Tell us about your family, the ages,

Starting point is 00:16:49 the kids, what you're struggling with. We'll talk about as a family, we'll give you some tips and some strategies, some insights, and we'll also help you if you need some of our products, we'll help you do get the right ones within your budget. It's really easy and it's really cool to do. So we want to help you. So thank you for listening. Share this with others and we hope to see you sometime soon. Set up, you know, we're starting to do live events again and we're so thrilled to be out there. We were in Idaho last week. It was awesome. So contact Casey and we'll come to your school, church, organization, wherever you are. Love you all. Bye-bye.

Calm Parenting Podcast - Why Your Kids Ask “Why?” Every Time

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.