Calm Parenting Podcast - You Did What?! Disobeying & Lying About It

Episode Date: March 10, 2024

You Did What?! Disobeying & Lying About It Your child trades another kid at school for something you don’t approve of. Then hides it and lies about it. This is a great story and a perfect example for what NOT to do and more importantly, what TO do. Kirk shows you 10 concrete action steps to turn this into a huge teaching opportunity. Our Spring Sale Continues This Week: You get everything we have ever recorded delivered directly to an app on your iPhone, iPad, Android, or computer. Listen anywhere, anytime. You get 35 hours of practical strategies and concrete examples, along with multiple PDF workbooks. Make 2024 different. Click here to learn more and take advantage of our Spring Sale: https://celebratecalm.com/products/ Questions? Email [e-mail] and he'll be happy to help out! Try AG1 and get a FREE 1-year supply of Vitamin D3 & K2 AND 5 free AG1 Travel Packs with your first purchase exclusively at https://drinkAG1.com/calm. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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have a child who ever just does stuff without your permission, right? You're like, why would you do that, right? In this situation, you discover that without your knowledge, your son or daughter traded his or her trading cards for a pair of Jordan sneakers with a kid at school. And then your child deliberately lied to you, like lied to your face and deceived you repeatedly. Now you're worried about the poor decision making, right? Trading for shoes is he's going to grow out of because that's not practical and you're scared about your child's future. So you've got two options in how you respond to that and that's what we're going to talk about today on this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome, this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at

celebratecalm.com. If you need help, reach out to our strong-willed son who often did things that were inappropriate and freaked us out. His name is Casey, C-A-S-E-Y at celebratecalm.com. Tell us about your kids, ages, what do you struggle with? We get together as a family, we talk about it, and we reply usually very quickly. Why? Because this is our passion, it's what we do, and we want to help you. So you've got two options right now because this is what your child did. Lied to you, deceived, did this. Now most of us, option number one, is what most of us would do. We'd be waiting for that child to come home because when he got home from school, right, we'd be standing there upset, arms folded,

wanting to lecture, to ream him out for all of the bad decisions, for lying, for the deception. And we'd lecture about the poor decision making, ask him questions that would only serve to put him on the defensive. True? We'd be deciding how harsh we would punish him for this. And we will, if we do that, we would have missed a huge opportunity.

I get it. That's the normal way to react, but it doesn't work. It destroys your relationship and you never really get to the root of the issue because you're just reacting with fear and you're projecting into the future. It wouldn't change a thing. Your child ends up feeling like more of a failure than he already does, and you would have missed a huge opportunity.

So number two, here's the second response, and this is what I would recommend. And in a real world situation, this is what a really awesome couple had the courage to do, even though it made them uncomfortable and even though it will really challenge you. So you find this out. What are you going to do? 10 steps. Number one, control your own anxiety. Instead of reacting, lecturing, confronting your child, you slow your world down inside. And that is such a huge key. It's why I want you to work through the 30 Days to Calm program because we teach you step by step how

do you control, how do you slow your world down inside so you stop reacting all the time to everything, get triggered by everything. Look, you get perspective. He's a kid. Kids his age are supposed to be impulsive. By the way, he actually made a really good trade. He got a pair of Jordans for a piece of cardboard. Seriously, that's an epic deal he made. Think what he didn't do. He didn't steal the Jordans from another kid. He didn't steal them from a store. He didn't steal money from you to go get them. He engaged in a business transaction and actually a smart one. Side note, this is a really helpful tool to use. Sometimes try thinking like this the same time. What didn't your child do in that situation? See, it's very useful for perspective. Your child may have

done X, oh, but he didn't do Y or Z. Number two, don't take it personally. How many times do we escalate situations because we get offended that our kids deliberately lied to us, right? And then we project into the future about the child becoming some deceitful reprobate no one can trust. But you realize, of course, he lied. Of course he lied. He knew you would be upset as you are. And that's what kids do. They do impulsive things and then they cover them up. I'm not excusing it, but I'm normalizing it. If you want some blunt talk, it's this. It's why I want you taking the extra step beyond just listening to the podcast. If you want some blunt talk, it's this. It's why I want you taking the extra step beyond just listening to the podcast. Thank you for listening to the podcast. Go an extra step.

Listen to our programs. You listen right on a convenient app on your phone, on your computer. Your spouse can listen. Teachers can listen. Your kids can listen. So then you know how to control your own anxiety, how to stop lecturing and start connecting with even the most strong-willed child. Look, it changes situations like this because you stop reacting out of fear. You stop creating a defensive response and power struggles and you start problem solving. That's why I want you to listen and go through the programs. Number three, after school, make a big deal out of the Jordans. Seriously. When your child comes home, instead of confronting him about his behavior, ask him why he likes them so much.

What is it that he likes? Is it the style, the color, the design, or just that they're cool, right? Share in his excitement. Your child is super excited about this. He didn't do anything wrong trading for them. Remember, he didn't steal them. You're just being too uptight because you're good parents, right? Look, and his parents had said like he has an eye for more upscale things. Well, good. So did our son Casey.

But what I taught him was this. You're going to have to work harder to afford the more expensive things, but they're often of higher quality. They last longer and you can resell them later for more. See, Casey bought fewer things, but nicer things. There's nothing wrong for that, right? That can be very smart and a modest way to live, right? You're allowing your normal parental anxiety to blind you and cause you to worry too much. See, I want you to celebrate the Jordans. It will blow your child away because he's going to be defensive when he comes home, expecting you both to be angry at him. Don't be angry. Be happy. Now, I promise we'll get to the lying part. I promise. But let's kill the proverbial fatted calf here and celebrate that your child did something that he was excited about

and made a smart deal. Number four, ask him how he made the deal. Think about it. He engaged in a business negotiating, trading one thing of value for another. Hey son, so what'd you have to give up to get these? What was the value of the cards that you traded and how much are these Jordans worth? See, I would affirm him for having good business sense. Do you know how many people don't have this sense? And do you know how many people have made careers, fortunes, lots of money out of selling things, out of making deals, reselling things for a higher price? This is a skill you want to develop, not discourage. Now look, you could also say this, well look, next time, here's how you can make the deal even better. Next time, wait until

you've almost grown out of your current shoes and negotiate for a slightly larger pair of Jordans you grow into, because that would save us a lot of money from buying new shoes. Number five, let's talk about other things that he wants or needs and smart ways to get them. Are there, wait, we're not talking, look, he didn't come and bug you. Think about this. He didn't bug you for eight straight weeks every single day. You gotta buy me Jordans.

You gotta buy me Jordans. He went and took something of his own and made a deal. That's called being resourceful. You want that. So are there other things he doesn't wanna to play with anymore that he can sell or trade for, right? At least he's not wasting old toys. He's reusing them. He's getting something of value. Again, that's another great life skill for people who value modesty, right? Just think, most kids just throw away their old stuff. He's actually

getting value out of it, right? Could you have a yard sale? Could you give some of the proceeds to a charity of his choice? That'd be a great life skill. Could he start a little side business, creating and selling things? Maybe he could buy plain shoes, add some sort of blingy design, and resell them for a profit. You may figure out and determine he has a knack for this, which again, you can make a lot of money selling stuff in this world, right? Number six, at some point, pivot and ask this. Okay, so is there anything at all about this situation that you would do differently? And let's see if he opens up and admits that hiding it from you was wrong.

I bet you he does. But if he doesn't immediately go there, then you can ask it this way. Hey, look, mom and I, or dad and I, think you made a really good business decision. You were smart. You got something you really wanted. There's one aspect of this that we weren't happy with. Can you guess what that is? See, I'm not pounding him, lecturing him about his lack of integrity and how we can't trust you anymore. I'm talking to him like an adult. And I just ask him, can you guess what that is? And if he needs more prompting, do it. But I imagine at some point he's going to confess, mom, dad, I shouldn't have hid it from you.

Number seven, now you can apologize and own your part in this if necessary. Because your reply is, exactly. So you can reply with a smile. Of course you shouldn't have hid this from us. But then you can pivot and ask something like this. Hey son, daughter, did you hide this from us because you were afraid of our reaction? And then listen to him. I'm not blaming you as parents for this. I don't do blame or guilt. I just want to own our stuff. Because sometimes we as parents inadvertently cause our kids to hide things and lie because we overreact and we don't

make it easy for kids to tell us the truth. See, it's worth hearing if he feels that way. And if you need to apologize at all, do it. Look, it's simple. Look, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that sometimes we overreact and assume the worst. We'll do better in the future, right? And then you can expect an apology for him for lying and deceiving you. Humility leads to contrition. Number eight, give a consequence. Just don't make it personal and don't think it's going to be the most important part. But by all means, take away his phone, his computer for lying to you. Take it away for a week. I don't care. You can even say, try this sometime. So what do you think would be an appropriate consequence for lying to you. Take it away for a week. I don't care. You can even say, try this sometime. So what do you think would be an appropriate consequence for lying to us about

this? And then see what your child suggests. You don't have to take his recommendation. If he goes, if it's a weak one, you just say, look, I'm not mad at you. I'm just letting you know, this isn't acceptable. So in this case, we're going to take your computer phone away for a week. There's nothing wrong with that. It's a perfectly great thing to do. Number nine, this is what I really want though. I want to use this as an opportunity to problem solve by role-playing the situation, right? Okay, son, daughter, so next time this situation comes up, how can we handle it differently? How can we make it easier for you to come to us so we can perhaps even help you negotiate better? And what could you do differently? I hate role-playing, but I love

role-playing because it's extremely effective. But it will be, if you ask your child to role-play with you, it is a far worse consequence for a kid than just any consequence, other consequence. And it's far more effective. So here's what I want you to do. Have him walk into the house with his new Jordans on display and say, mom, dad, guess what I did? And then he tells you, and then you practice your new response, not freaking out and lecturing him about why it wasn't practical, right? You practice listening, having a conversation, and problem solving. See, that will pay dividends in the future. And think about this. He will practice saying things that disappoint you. See, that's really important because you want him coming to you throughout his

childhood and saying things honestly so that you can help him, right? Many of us have a hard time speaking up as adults to this day. Is that not true? Because you're afraid people are going to reject you, but he gets to practice saying something that disappoints me, disappoints you, and you get to practice not reacting, right? And you may need to repeatedly practice that. But see how much more effective this approach is than simply reacting, getting upset, lecturing, taking away his screens? You actually practice new skills.

See, that's discipline. Discipline means to teach, not to react out of screens. You actually practice new skills. See, that's discipline. Discipline means to teach, not to react out of frustration. Number 10, and I'll repeat this, end the evening by celebrating him. He made a smart deal. He took something he didn't value anymore that has zero practical use. It's a piece of cardboard, and he traded it for clothing he can use. See, I would adopt your son because he has the makings of a really smart business person. Now the parents told me, and kudos to them for actually doing this, right? They told me their son was proud to tell them the first thing he did when he got home was clean his new shoes. I can guarantee he never cleans his bedroom, his bathroom, or other things. Probably

doesn't put away the laundry, probably doesn't put away dishes. But when our kids care about something, they are motivated and do the right thing. And I also want you to end the evening by celebrating yourself and the fact that you didn't freak out. See, how many nights like this have ended in shame, tears, lectures, anger, a kid who feels like no one understands him and misjudges his motives? How many evenings spend with parents worried and anxious and upset? And ultimately, how many nights end with frayed relationships between a parent and child and even between two parents? But you controlled your anxiety.

You didn't lecture or yell. You didn't accuse. You saw the situation differently. You problem solved. And you taught your. You saw the situation differently. You problem solved. And you taught your child and yourself new life skills. That's what we're after. It's why I want you to go through the Calm Parenting Program or the Get Everything Program so you know exactly how to do this and it gets down deep inside of you so that it becomes second nature. If you want to do a phone consultations with me, go ahead and sign up. CelebrateCalm.com it becomes second nature. If you want to do a phone consultations with me,

go ahead and sign up. CelebrateCalm.com. Look for it. If you want to do the mentoring, great. But I would start with get the programs, work through them. And as you do, email us with questions and we will help you.

Why? Because that's our mission is to change your family life. And it starts with you. No guilt, no blame. That's just changes. If we can help you reach out to our your family life, and it starts with you. No guilt, no blame. That's just changes. If we can help you, reach out to our son, Casey. C-A-S-E-Y at celebratecalm.com. Thanks for listening to the podcast. Thanks for sharing it. And we'll see you on Facebook, Instagram, and our free newsletter. But let us know how we can help you. Love you all. Bye-bye.