Calm Parenting Podcast - You’re A Control Freak! 10 Ways to Stop Power Struggles.

Episode Date: September 18, 2024

You’re A Control Freak! 10 Ways to Stop Power Struggles. Do you have a child who resists doing things your way, chooses the harder path, and sometimes touches the hot stove? When you have control issues or perfectionism, that creates endless power struggles with these kids. Kirk shows you 10 ways to stop the fights and get your kids to be responsible for themselves. Our Back-To-School Sale Continues This Week. Don't begin the school year with power struggles. Visit https://celebratecalm.com/products/ to purchase the Get Everything Package at the lowest prices of the year. AG1 Visit https://drinkAG1.com/calm for a FREE 1-year supply of Vitamin D3K2 AND 5 free AG1 Travel Packs with your first purchase. SIMPLISAFE Protect your home this summer with 20% off any new SimpliSafe system when you sign up for Fast Protect Monitoring. Just visit https://simplisafe.com/calm.   AIR DOCTOR AirDoctor comes with a 30-day money back guarantee so if you don’t love it, just send it back for a refund, minus shipping! Head to https://airdoctorpro.com/ and use promo code CALM and you’ll receive UP TO $300 off air purifiers! PHYLA Tackle acne’s root causes for clearer, healthier skin for your child. Get 25% off your first order of Phyla with the code CALM. Go to https://phyla.com and type in the code CALM. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. So do you have a child who seemingly makes everything more difficult and challenging, who doesn't want to do things your way or the easy way, and so you find yourself getting frustrated with these kids? Have you discovered that you have control issues? Well, of course you do because you're human. How about perfectionism? Like when you tell your kids, oh, decorate the Christmas tree, but you can't wait until they go to bed so you can fix it and make everything symmetrical. Many of you had parents with OCD traits who demanded perfection or compliance, or you learned from an early age, if I want my parents to be

pleased or to get their affection, I just need to do things the way they told me to do it. Some of you grew up in a home with perhaps an alcoholic parent or severe dysfunction, so you learned from an early age to take control because that made you safe. And that same trait has likely served you well in life because maybe you're a nurse or you're in a job which requires a highly conscientious, organized person. But now that same trait is sabotaging your relationships with your kids and spouse because it's kind of like nothing they ever do is good enough for you. So let's take back control of our control issues so we can be free to enjoy our kids and stop all these power struggles. I want to show you 10 ways to do this on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at

CelebrateCalm.com or on Instagram at Calm Parenting Podcast. Shout out to a great couple, Steve and Amanda, on Instagram who inspired this episode because they said, We never realized how many power struggles we were creating because we're both type A control freaks until we began working through your programs. seen more changes in our two strong willed kids simply by helping each other step back than we ever saw from constantly correcting them or doing therapy for years. So well done, Steve and Amanda. That's the beauty of this process. You control the only thing in life you can control yourself. And then everyone else begins to change so how do your control issues manifest some of you you're very particular about the way you do things and you tend to think your kids should do everything the way you do after all

it works for you why change what works maybe you have a high need for order and structure I do you have an agenda for each day. And when life happens and your plans get thwarted, it really frustrates you. Just know that toddlers in particular are supposed to ruin your agenda with their curiosity and desire to explore and make messes. Maybe you have a place where everything goes in your home. Maybe you are particular about the way you load the dishwasher. God forbid anybody puts the dishes in the wrong way. By the way, if that's you, just own the dishwasher. Don't let anyone else touch it because they'll never please you and everyone will feel tense about it. At our live workshops, I'll meet parents who are dressed just so. Everything

matches, jewelry perfectly, accessorizing outfit, and this usually tells me they're particular about things. And there's nothing wrong with that at all, except that these parents usually have kids who are not particular about their clothes, their hygiene, their messy bedroom, their schoolwork, and so it creates endless power struggles. Do you have OCD tendencies? I do. Does it bother you when little things are askew? Are you constantly cleaning or organizing? Does that bring you kind of this sense of peace and order inside? Do you need to get the last word in or prove your point? I think I'm describing myself in all these things. Good. All right. Good luck with your little attorneys who will battle you over everything just for sport. So let me be blunt. You want things done a certain way in the home. It's how

you were raised. It's how you prefer things to be done. It's the way you've always done it. But you have strong-willed, often creative kids who simply are not ever, and I mean they are never, ever, ever, ever going to do things your way. And this does not always mean that they're defiant and rebellious. It just means that they have a mind of their own and they're stove touchers. And this will frustrate that fragile balance inside of you. It will feel like they're challenging your authority, when in reality, they just don't want to do it your way. But in your mind, your way is the right way, only it's not. And you have to accept that on a deep level. Your way is not always the right way or the only way. But if you cling to your false

expectations, you will experience endless power struggles with your kids. And I can't blame them for resisting you. Because I believe that being too rigid is provoking children to anger. What they really know inside is this. I can never please you or live up to your standards. And we often impose the expectations of a 35-year-old adult on a 7 or 17-year-old. And this will leave kids frustrated and feeling like they're stupid or a disappointment to you. So here's the good news. There are action steps we can take. Here are 10 of them. Number one, recognize and identify your control issues. Wrestle with them. Do things really have to be done this way? Do they? I know it's easier, but your kids don't value doing things the easy way. They're stove touchers.

They want to do things the hard way. That's how they learn best. Is it a moral issue or just my preference or what's comfortable to me, right? Because I get it. We get so busy and we're like, just do it my way. We could be done and move on to things. Make a list. Begin actively noticing when your control issues trigger power struggles unnecessarily. Number two, purposefully and intentionally practice completing one activity imperfectly. And I do mean that. Leave the house without doing everything you normally do. Notice your discomfort. Go to bed at night and leave two dishes in the sink uncleaned. Two, not three, because I don't want to throw you into complete chaos.

I practice this daily myself. I don't edit my Instagram videos. I don't edit this podcast. You notice I just messed up saying something. I'm not fixing that because that just becomes never ending and then you're never really happy. And then your kids learn, man, everything is just overbearing. So I encourage you, purposefully practice doing this until you are free from it. Number three, sit in the midst of what bothers you without fixing it and without drinking to get through that. Look, if your kids have a messy bedroom, just sit in the midst of the bedroom without trying to fix it. Let it bother you, but resist fixing everything.

Resist trying to make everything better. Give your kids a compliment about something in that moment without adding, Well, great job, but if you would just do X. Try that. Look, this is for us in so many different ways. This is a little aside. Today, when you have chaos, siblings are squabbling in the kitchen or living room, walk into that room and sit without immediately fixing it.

What you'll find is when you get back control of your inner life, you get clarity and you see situations so much more clearly and you can just problem solve. It is really cool. Okay, this is a hard one, but it's absolutely critical with a strong willed child. Step back. You know our phrase, when we step back as parents from lecturing, micromanaging, controlling everything, when we step back, it gives our kids space to step up and be responsible for themselves. Look, every time you're trying to control things, you're basically being responsible for your child, and they're not actually able to be responsible for themselves. So I want you to step back and give your kids ownership. Let go. Try and experiment. And I

love this one. How many of you have noticed that sometimes when you are sick and you can't do everything for everyone else, or I talked to a mom once who had had surgery, or you broke a leg and you've got a cast on, when you couldn't do everything for everyone else, your kids actually step up. So let's do this one night this week. Just fake like you're sick. I mean it. It's kind of like act like a man. You know how we are. Oh honey, I have the sniffles. I think I'm coming down with the flu because we milk this for everything we can get. So lie on the sofa and let the kids know, hey guys, I'm not feeling well tonight. So I just expect you to prepare something for dinner. I expect you to take care of your own homework. Look, I'm not talking about doing this with a toddler who's physically dependent on you

to survive. But when your kids, I don't care, maybe age five, six, start this. Hey, with your teenagers, hey, you guys can fix dinner tonight. You guys take care of this. Now, you might have to pop some Xanax. Again, we don't want to do that to deal with your control issues. But what you're really communicating is this. I respect you guys enough to believe you are capable of taking care of yourselves without me hovering over you, without me doing everything for you. And over time, you will notice your kids stepping up. But here's the deal. They're going to make mac and cheese or chicken nuggets for dinner at first. Don't expect anything healthy. And they're going to leave smeared ick on the kitchen counter, and they're not going to clean out any pots and pans like you would. So just deal with it, they're kids.

But just because you were ultra responsible as a kid and need therapy now because you're a resentful people pleaser, kidding, right? Or maybe an overachiever, you're a type A freak like me, doesn't mean you should impose that on your kids. After they cook their own dinner your appropriate response is hey guys nice job making dinner without burning the house down right that's it no nagging no lecturing about all the things that they did wrong all the things they should have done differently just thank them but this week let's

practice that moms and dads I give you permission to fake being sick and watching your kids do this and then you know what I'd like you to do? Turn that into a weekly tradition. One night a week, kids, you are responsible for dinner. And you start turning over homework to them. And they learn that they can actually be responsible. They just won't always do it the way you want it done. But that is an awesome thing, an awesome gift to give

your kids. Okay, we've talked about this one a lot on previous podcasts about the idea of ownership. I give my kids ownership of their choices within my boundaries. I don't say, hey, if you want to get that done, oh no, homework's getting done. You're going to get ready for yourself. You're going to handle that. But I relinquish control over how you do it. So I'll give you an example on morning routine. I've been through this sometimes before, but it's a really good one. Look, I'm just like you in the morning. I want my kids to get up and exercise and eat blueberries and avocado and good protein so their brains are ready to learn. I want them to wear clean clothes, brush and floss, and walk

with a purpose. I'm right with you there. But when you get so invested in trying to make your kids just like you, you actually create more resistance. And you've noticed that. The more you care about something, the more your kids resist and push back because they want ownership of their choices. If you have a strong willed child, you must master this concept. So here's my goal for my son in the morning. Son, got one goal for you every morning. I want you on that school bus or in the car at 7.17 a.m. sharp. I don't care what you look like. I don't care what you smell like. I don't care what's in your stomach. That's up to you. If you want to lie in bed until 7.16 a.m. because you are smart enough to wear the clothes to bed that you're wearing to school the next day, good for you. If you don't eat something healthy and your stomach hurts in second period, I trust that you know how to fix that. I don't care how you do it. I just expect you to be on that bus at 7.17 a.m. Now, here's the deal. This was with our son Casey. Your child's procrastination is going to irritate you. It goes back to my childhood. My dad was

career military. We were highly organized. If you're not five minutes early, you're 10 minutes late. And that stuff sticks with you. And you're going to be embarrassed by your child's clothes. And that'll be for many of you because they wear the same thing for 14 straight days. And you're going to be sad because his stomach is going to ache in school. That's all normal. But I guarantee you, if you control yourself instead of your child over time your child will begin making good choices you just have to give your kids space to own it to experiment to come to these these things on their own look some of you may experience it this way I don't care how you get dressed and ready. In fact, I'll make it a challenge. I bet you can't get dressed in your closet, under your bed, outside in a snowstorm. I don't care. Just be dressed and ready at 7.17 a.m. And you're going to have to hide in the basement and just control

your anxiety over how they're doing it because it's now 7.13 a.m. and your child isn't even out of bed yet. But in a three-minute flurry of activity, he or she will throw on some old clothes, probably that same hoodie sweatshirt they've worn for the past 14 days with a little snot stains on the sleeve, and they'll scamper downstairs, grab a Pop-Tart, run outside, jump on the back of the bus like Spider-Man, embarrassing you in front of all the good moms and dads whose kids look perfect in the morning. These are not the kids that you have. Those are not your kids.

This child who wants to do it differently, who makes you uncomfortable, and who is in the process of liberating you from all of your triggers, that is an awesome thing. Look, it's cool. At the end of the day, you have to grit your teeth and say, nice job making the bus. But you didn't like the way your child made the bus or got ready. You don't like the way they load the dishwasher, do their homework, because it's not the way you would do that because they're leaning back in their chair and you're afraid they're going to fall.

But that very act of leaning back in their chair is stimulating for their brains because it means they could fall backwards and crack their heads open. Look, these kids are very different. You have to understand how their brains work and what motivates them because they are not going to do it the way you would do it. And that's the key right there.

You will never like the way these kids do things and they're never going to do things your way. So you relinquish control over how they do things within your boundaries. That may be your biggest challenge to have and I encourage you to really work on that. Okay, number six. This is a really good insight. Strong-willed kids often have to reject what you want first before they can own it themselves. They will reject the way you study. They'll reject your focus on good grades until they discover their internal motivation. They will reject at first your view of politics. They will reject your faith because they want to wrestle with deeper issues first and come to their own

conclusion, which is a good thing. It's just hard at first. Give them space to do this without getting defensive, without freaking out, without trying to convince them to believe like you. Because the more you try to convince a strong-willed child, the more they will just do the exact opposite. And I'm the same way even to this day. Your strong-willed child, get this, this is interesting and it's important. Your strong-willed child doesn't want to do things because mommy or daddy want me to do them or because schools or teachers want me to do it. They have to wrestle and fight and try different ways first. These kids have to fail and experience some hard lessons.

They have to touch the hot stove. That part of the process but that day and it may be three months from now when your child comes downstairs early and fixes something healthy to eat because it affected his or her body is the day your child will have owned it and they'll own it forever. See, I know the compliant kids are easier to raise, but some of those kids are just compliant for a while because they want to please you. Later on, they're going to reject your way because they never really owned it themselves. Their faith, their beliefs won't be that strong because they never wrestled with it. They just did it because that's

what they were supposed to do. You want the strong-willed child. So work on that. Number seven, instead of trying to get your child to study like you did or whatever else it is, just say, you know what? I know you'll figure this out yourself. Let me know if you need some help. Or you could say, hey, I admire the way you come up with creative workarounds to still get good grades without studying like I did all the time. Now, see, that's going to irritate you because you're projecting into the future. That's more of your own anxiety of like, but if they don't develop the proper study skills right now, when the work gets harder later, how are they going to do it? If they don't develop the proper study skills right now, when the work gets harder later, how are they going to do it? If they can't do the hard work later, they can't go

to college and get a good job, and then nobody's going to marry them, and then I'll be a failure as a parent. You can hear all that, and that starts from a young age. So control your anxiety. Do not project into the future, and begin accepting your child as they are. You don't have to like it inside, but this is your child's nature and you are not going to change their nature. If you try to change their nature, you will have so many power struggles and it will ruin your relationship with this child. Number eight, when your young child, say, is trying to get her karate uniform belt tied correctly and is frustrated don't jump in all the time find something your child is doing that you'd normally jump in and do for them you know how we do oh honey let me help you with this and in all honesty

yeah we're trying to help them but in some ways let me do this for you because it'll be much more, you get it done more quickly and easily without all the frustration if you just let me do it and do it for you and do it my way. And you create a lot of frustration in this child. So in those situations, purposefully don't help. Don't fix it. Don't jump in and do that. Get comfortable with your kids doing things differently than you would do it. Number nine, apologize to your kids if necessary. And you know, I've said it before, apologizing is just a statement of fact. It's a statement of reality. Hey, I'm sorry. I always try to get you to do things my way. Inadvertently,

I've sent the message that you're not capable of being successful without me showing you how to do it. But you're very creative and I know you're capable of being successful on your own. Begin saying that to your kids. I have no problem verbalizing that. Hey, I apologize. That was my own anxiety. Hey, that was my own control issues because I really like doing it this way. And I apologize. I'm going to step back because I do believe you're capable. Number 10, affirm your kids for doing it differently. I admire you because you like tinkering with things and touching the hot stove. You're not afraid to do things differently than everyone else. See, I conform too much. I kind of wish I was more like

you. Well done. Begin saying things like that because it's going to counter the narrative you've had in your head since your child was born. This child is always difficult, rebellious, always trying to do things a different way. Begin countering that narrative by speaking different things to your kids and be honest with them. Look, I would have never have thought to do that task that way. And I appreciate your creativity. See, that will change how you view your child. And you're actually turning over responsibility to them. Because as long as you're trying to make them do things your way all the time, you're actually being responsible for them. And so I'd encourage you, if you struggle with this,

be like Steve and Amanda. Go through the programs. Look, quickly, you get 30 plus hours of instruction. You listen to on a convenient app. You have lifetime access to all the programs and I'm always updating them. In fact, the new discipline without drama program is fantastic. I'm going to have it ready in a couple weeks now and it'll just automatically be uploaded and downloaded onto this app and it's going to have a cheat sheet on it. It's going to be awesome.

And you can share the programs with your spouse, with family, with teachers. And they're all on sale now at CelebrateCalm.com. So take this challenge for the next week, for the next two weeks, for the next 30 days. Instead of spending all of your energy trying to control your kids, your spouse, co-workers, traffic, politicians, put that same energy into controlling yourself and your own anxiety. Every time you want to control someone else or some situation, instead step back stop yourself put that energy into controlling your words your attitude your body posture your tone your thoughts I promise you if you do this you will stop the power struggles with your strong willed child very very quickly and you will begin enjoying this child

again and you will see them blossom and thrive because you're giving them space to be responsible for themselves. It's really cool. Okay, thank you all for listening to this podcast. Thanks for working so hard for this. Thanks for sharing the podcast. If we can help you in any way, let us know. Much respect. Much love to all of you.

Bye-bye.