Calm Parenting Podcast - You're Not Doing Anything Wrong! Why Isn't It Working? #471

Episode Date: April 23, 2025

The normal parenting strategies don't work with strong-willed kids! You are doing all the things you are supposed to do. The time-outs, behavior charts, and taking away phones are not changing your kids' behavior--whether they are toddlers or teens or adopted. Kirk gives you specific action steps that DO work with kids of all ages. This is the final week of our Spring Sale on the Get Everything Package. Get hundreds of practical strategies that really work with your strong-willed kids. Visit https://celebratecalm.com/products and make 2025 DIFFERENT.AG1AG1 is offering new subscribers a FREE $76 gift when you sign up. You’ll get a Welcome Kit, a bottle of D3 & K2 AND 5 free travel packs in your first box. Go to https://drinkag1.com/calmCOZY EARTHWrap yourself and your kids in Cozy Earth luxury…with 40% OFF! Visit https://cozyearth.com/ and use my exclusive 40% off code CALM. IXL LEARNINGGet an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at https://IXL.com/KIRK.FASTGROWINGTREES.COM/CALMFast Growing Trees has the best deals for your yard, up to half off on select plants. Listeners to our show get an additional 15% OFF their first purchase at https://FASTGROWINGTREES.COM/CALM using the code CALM.SKYLIGHT CALENDARSSkylight is offering our listeners $30 off their 15 inch Calendars by going to https://SkylightCal.com/CALMSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

If you have a strong-willed child, you will likely struggle with the following thoughts. You're not doing anything wrong as a parent and yet it's just not working with the strong-willed child. All the things that you're supposed to do, right? Like timeouts for toddlers, behavior charts for little kids, taking away screens or driver's license or a phone with your teenager. None of the traditional approaches will work with a strong willed child. You're going to be frustrated by that and feel guilty and you're going to be judged by other people. And that's why I always encourage you if you have a strong willed child, do what works for your family.

Don't worry about what everybody else does because your family life is going to look very, very different than other people. So I want to give you some tools to do it differently, to do things that actually work from toddlers all the way through the teen years. So that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome.

This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. So I want to give a shout out to a couple that kind of inspired this podcast. It's Ben and Elizabeth and they've got two strong will kids and between the kids there are all kinds of diagnoses from ADHD, Sensory Processing Disorder, ASD, PDA, not to mention many others like our son had. And so what they wrote was like, we have always felt like failures and we're judged by our family because we've been trying all the things we're supposed to

and yet none of it works and we've sent thousands of dollars on therapy. And Elizabeth said, I finally convinced Ben to take advantage of your winter sale because it's like, we already spent thousands like your program's like relatively inexpensive, let's give it a try and so they said as they began listening Elizabeth said I started to cry because I realized this

tremendous weight I have been bearing thinking I'm doing something wrong that we're bad parents and we've kind of felt helpless to help these kids and now we get to listen and we have different ideas and a different approach that actually work. And so I applaud all the parents out there. This is hard, hard work. And you're going to be judged by other people. So let's go through a few points here.

Look, consequences. Consequences work with most kids, but they tend not to work that well with strong will kids. And it's not that I'm against consequences. You have to give consequences. I'm not against them. I'm against relying on consequences as an effective tool to change a child's behavior. Because so many of you will say like, well, we're consistent and we follow through, right? Because that's how you get judged. All your friends and family like, you know, you just, you know, if you were consistent and followed through, your kids would behave and you're like, really?

I'd never thought about that. But you've done that for years. And we know why that is because many of our strong will kids, they don't care about losing things. They just don't want to lose their autonomy, their independence. They want to make choices. They want to learn the hard way, touch the hot stove. And we know that consequences are limited because they usually address the outward behavior, but we have to go the extra step to get to the root of the behavior and actually show our kids a different way to handle situations. Look, your kids already know what they are doing is wrong.

That's why they lie. Because they were impulsive, did something wrong, and now they know they're going to get in trouble and get a consequence and lose something so they lie. So and your younger kids also they're very impulsive. They're not going to put it through logically in the moment of like I know mom and dad said X would happen. Let's think this through. That just tends not to work. So let's go through some things for toddlers and everybody's going to say like oh just give them a timeout and we tend to fall into this trap with toddlers of no,

stop, cut it out, no, no, no, no, no, no. And the relatives are gonna tell you all the things that you're doing wrong. But look, you're already kids already know what they did was wrong and timeouts. Good luck getting a really intense, strong, physical active kid to just sit still and think about your actions, it won't work.

And one of my favorite stories, which is funny for me, but not for the parent, they were like, well, I kept putting my son in timeout and in a corner and eventually he just started peeing in the corner. I was like, yeah, that's a smart kid. That's just what's going to happen. So instead of those things, if I have younger kids, here are a few principles. Whenever you say no to something inappropriate,

because you have to say no, right? You can't do that. Always say yes to something appropriate. I want your energy focused on what your kids can do. See, it's one of those common things of like, well, my child's running into the street or they're doing that and all we ever say, no, you can't do that. Stop. Don't do that. You'll get hurt. Well, they don't put that together. So if I'm taking my child for walking down the street or

we're going to a store, I focus their brains on, hey, secret mission, don't tell anyone, here's your job right now. Because I get the brain focused on what I want them to actually do, and then when they do that, I give a lot of intensity to them making good choices, because look, I know it's hard, but we fall into this trap, hey no, stop, take that out of your mouth. Don't touch your sister, don't do that, don't do this.

And then all of our energy goes to no, no, no, what are you gonna do, sit and time out. Instead, I wanna set them up for success. I know it's exhausting, but you're the one who chose to have kids, it's just gonna be exhausting. And so that's why I want you to simplify your life when your kids are little and lower your expectations of yourself and your kids. It's exhausting, but it's a lot less exhausting than constantly saying no and having meltdowns and

tantrums. So I'm doing a lot of giving missions. Even when I say no to a child of like, um, let me just demonstrate. Child's jumping on the sofa, I'm not coming in kind of that modern parent, oh buddy, you know what, we don't jump on the sofa, there are springs in the sofa and if you jump you will break the sofa. I don't like that tone, it sounds condescending and weak and I don't like saying we don't jump on the sofa. I know this is a big deal for a lot of you, we don't do that here. You know what your strong will child is thinking? Well, we may not, but I do. If you're not jumping on the sofa, there's no we needed. You also don't have to come in, you know how many times

do I have to tell you not to jump on the sofa? You're a disrespectful, disobedient little kid. I don't have to go to either of those. I can just go in the room and say, hey, jumping on the sofa, not happening in my home. See, I like that. That's short and sweet. That's just saying, hey, this doesn't happen. I'm setting a clear expectation and boundary, even matter of fact tone. Now watch where the energy goes. But I love your energy. Do I really love their energy?

No, they're exhausting. But I say it anyway. Hey, I love your energy. I could really use your help. Hey, could you move some mulch for me in the backyard? You want to help me stir the soup? You wanna help me stir the soup? Wanna help me walk the dog? See, I'm giving, instead of just saying no, stop it,

I'm giving them something to do. You know, for younger kids, we love rewind and replay, where I can say instead of like, you know what? We don't treat our siblings like that here. No, I just say, hey, that's not gonna work here. So let's do rewind and replay. And what they do is they walk backwards out of the room and then you can show them how to come into a room and handle the situation with their sibling or with you in a different way. But discipline means to teach and to show them a different

way to do it. So here's another one. Think about this. If you've got a three, four, five, six, seven year old child, getting them to sit still in preschool and pre-K is going to be hard and you're going to get calls from the school about your child getting up and walking around class and not following directions all the time. Here's what I want you to know. Your child is not doing anything wrong in that situation. Now, I didn't say, right, like bludgeoning other children, causing fires, that would be wrong, but just

struggling to sit still and follow directions as a little kid, they're not doing anything wrong. That's called being a child. An impulsive child is not doing anything wrong. Now what they did may have been wrong, but being impulsive is what kids are supposed to do. And the teacher isn't doing anything wrong by also saying, hey, I've got to put them on red on the behavior chart. It's just that the behavior chart isn't going to work. And what I want you to know is you are battling arbitrary demands in an arbitrary environment for a child that age. There's nothing in nature that says a four or five six seven year old child should be able to sit for long periods

of time and their head should be up in the clouds and they should be curious and exploring not listening to other adults talking. They're not supposed to. So if your child is struggling like that, your child isn't doing anything wrong, the teacher's not doing anything wrong, it just is and it's hard because those are arbitrary demands and I really want to encourage you as parents to to really sort these things out in their childhood. I've said this before, make a list, get a piece of paper out, draw a line down the middle, left side of the page. Here are all the qualities and behaviors that are

necessary for success in school. On the right hand side, here are all the traits and skills necessary to be successful in life. On the right hand side, here are all the traits and skills necessary to be successful in life. They don't always match up. And many of your strong willed kids are just going to struggle in school because so much of what is asked of them, what do we reward them for?

Oh, you follow directions. You are so compliant and so easy. We all like easy people and easy kids, but your kids are not made that way and they tend to be the ones who are curious and trying different things and they get into things and they're leaders and but those those qualities are not always recognized or appreciated and I'm not talking about letting kids just run all over the classroom do whatever they want. It's not what I'm talking about, but I don't want to fight their very nature just to get them to fit into an

arbitrary environment because that can literally destroy their confidence and we don't want that. So what can we do with these kids instead? So Mrs. Calm told me yesterday, I wish I had begun drinking AG1 sooner. My stomach has felt so much calmer and I'm more regular. My AG1 in the morning provides some consistency I really crave. And that's one reason I love my AG1. It's an easy, healthy daily routine. No messes, no blenders. We put one scoop of AG1 into a bottle of water, shake it up, and start our day with 75 vitamins,

probiotics, prebiotics, and whole food sourced ingredients. Check out a special offer at www.drinkag1.com. I've got more energy, better mental clarity, and AG1 supports my immune health. And that's why I've been partnering with AG1 for so long. Be an AG1 couple like us. AG1 is offering new subscribers a free $76 gift when you sign up. You'll get a welcome kit, a bottle of D3 and K2, and 5 free travel packs in your first box. So check out drinkag1.com slash com to get this offer. That's drinkag1.com slash com to start your day with a win. When we moved to our home,

we were quoted a cost of over $20,000 for some trees and shrubs, but we just saved 90% with fast growing trees. And they helped us get the exact privacy in flowering trees and shrubs for our specific climate. And it's delivered right to our door in days. Fast Growing Trees is the biggest online nursery in the U.S. with thousands of different plants and over 2 million happy customers including us. They take the hassle out of creating your dream yard. Their alive and thrive guarantees ensures your plants

arrive happy and healthy. Plus get support from trained plant experts on call to help you choose and care for the right plants. This spring, Fast Growing Trees has the best deals for your yard, up to half off on select plants. Plus listeners to our show get an additional 15% off their first purchase when using the code CALM at checkout. That's an additional 15% off at FastGrowingTrees.com using the code CALM.

FastGrowingTrees.com slash CALM. Offer is valid for a limited time. Terms and conditions may apply. So you've got a child who is bored in class. Look, there's nothing wrong with being bored. They should be bored. They're not doing anything wrong. It's very unnatural to pay attention to things that you don't care about or aren't interested in for a long period of time. None of you hopefully chose an industry or type of job to work that you're not inherently interested in unless you're kind of desperate and you have to make the money. But for the most

part we seek out, we watch TV shows, Netflix series, read books about things we're interested in. So your child being bored in class, there's nothing wrong with him. And I totally get why a teacher would maybe put your child on that behavior chart. It's just that it doesn't work. So what do I do for those kids? Remember, we want to give kids tools to succeed. And so maybe with a younger child that's doing some early math, he's just bored,

you send in a worksheet because you can't expect the teacher to do everything, right? They already have like 20 kids in classes that are difficult. And so you send in a worksheet and the teacher says, hey, everybody else, you're doing like a addition with double digits, but you can't do triple digits. And now you just made it a challenge.

You made the child feel like, oh, you're a little bit, you can do something triple digits. And now you just made it a challenge. You made the child feel like, oh, you're a little bit, you can do something different than the other kids. And it's a challenge and a mission that stimulates their brain. You can have them do all kinds of missions. Oh, I could really use your help. Could you take that blue backpack in the back of the class to Ms. Henderson next door? Well, that means some sensory needs because they're carrying a heavy backpack. They're getting to move for about 45 seconds, which is really nice for them. And then also sometimes when you do heavy work, sweeping is

really good for this. Moving the larger muscle groups, it actually helps with fine motor skills. So we're giving tools all the time. Hey, I could really use your help. Could you refill my water bottle for me? I love, say with transitions. Here's a good one. Most of your kids struggle with transitions. So when they come in from recess or the cafeteria, many of your kids are going to be kind of very scattered

because in the cafeteria often it's very, very loud and chaotic and maybe your kids struggle with their peers so they're sitting alone. They feel kind of bad at playground. Many of your kids are not very athletic or even if they are, they're going to change rules of the game, cheat, quit, they're going to button line, and it's not always a great thing for them. So coming back into class can be hard.

So here's a tool I use. I pull the child aside and say, hey, Evan, I could really use your help because our kids love feeling like adults. They like helping other people, just not you. And so here's what I need to do. Picture these three things in your brain. One water bottle, three paper towels, the front row of desks in my classroom.

I like visuals because sometimes when you paint a visual for kids, ADHD kind of kids, they remember the picture more than they remember words because words often get jumbled in their brain. So the child knows what I want him to do. When Evan comes back in, I want him to clean the front row desk in my classroom. I was very, very specific. One water bottle, three paper towels, not the whole roll, and just the front row.

And when that child comes in, he's got a mission. See it's not, watch it's not like, hey, when you come back into my class, you need to sit still and be on your best behavior because your strong will child's like yeah I have been on my best behavior it's just not that all hell is that awesome and so instead of telling like well when you come in no running around no no fighting with other kids no I gave him a mission to do and so when he sprang those uh desks off watch what he's doing remember wax on wax, wax off from Karate Kid? You're moving across the midline of the body. You're getting some sensory

pressure pushing down on those desks and you're also getting a sense of accomplishment because seeing a desk go from being dirty to clean, how many of you you'd love that? And it gives you a sense of feeling in control of something. See, those are tools we give kids. Now let's talk about adopted kids. Look, I have no other way to say this except if you have a child who is adopted, I really want you to know this. Well, one, thank you, thank you, because I know that you did this out of love and in many cases you wanted to rescue a child and you really wanted to help this child and so many parents say well we're having these behavior issues

and ones you're likely going to have as kids who steal they tend to steal and they lie a lot and they'll manipulate at times especially if if they were in foster care or something else for a while they kind of learn that survival instinct and they're going to struggle. And so many parents say, well we adopted him or we adopted her at birth. The truth is that probably nine months when they were in the birth mother's womb, there was probably stress because by nature if you're giving your child up for adoption, most likely you're going through some kind of stressful circumstance, right?

That just makes sense. And so, your kids internalize all of that. And no matter whether you got them from day one and you're the most loving parents, your kids are going to struggle with some things. And I want you to know that. It's not a fear-based thing, but so many parents are like, well, we just love them so much and they're so, it's hard. It's just going to be harder. And many of your kids who have attachment issues, watch as they're going to seek and meet intensity because they associate intensity with connection.

Because see, the worst thing in life is not, say with your spouse, and I'm not talking about abuse, but if you argue and fight with someone, well at least you care enough to fight with them for something. But you know what's even worse is when you don't even care enough to fight and you're just disinterested. So what happens with many of our kids, and this isn't just adopted kids, but they associate intensity with connection because if they did something wrong when they were little, what they learned is, oh, the adult in charge kind of got mad, put down their phone, came up with me, and

I got their full on intensity. You will not do that! What were you thinking? Well, see, they don't distinguish between positive intensity and negative intensity. It just means I feel some connection there. So you're really, really, really going to have to work on giving them positive intensity proactively and being able to to stimulate their brains in that way so that they're drawn more to doing the positive things than the negative. So, and here's the point within this podcast, you're not doing anything wrong as parents,

but it just won't always work. And love often isn't enough. I know that hurts to say and for you to hear, but you're gonna have to give them tools. And remember, we just talked about giving kids tools, creating successes, practice, making small wins. I can't do it right here, but we did this example before in one of the podcasts of a

girl who was just in the habit. She took things again and again from her mother. We made this little treasure box that every time she felt that compulsion to take something, she had something appropriate to take. Every time she went to the little treasureulsion to take something, she had something appropriate to take. And every time she went to the little treasure box to take something instead of stealing something from her sister or mom, then it was like, oh, that was awesome because you felt compelled. You felt that desire to come and take something. And instead of doing something inappropriate, oh, you chose out of that good job. And see that intensity is really important. So I want to create

successes and I want to affirm every single time they make progress not perfection. And by the way with these kids also sensory issues getting involved in martial arts, rock climbing, swimming can be extremely effective. But here's and let's get to teens but here's the thing thing. What doesn't work with our kids, right? We've talked about this before you push them They resist more if you try to hurry a strong-willed child. They tend to go more slowly Overt praise of these kids for me say this when I praise a strong-willed child. I don't say oh my gosh You did you made such a good choice?

I'm so proud of you because it doesn't square with how they feel inside and it creates too much pressure because inside they're thinking, wait I didn't make a good choice you're gonna expect me to do that again. So when I pray strong will kids saw that, hey fist bump, hey nice job, like how you handled that, hey that shows me you're growing up. So when we get to the teen and tween years just look there's nothing wrong with taking away the phone, the screens, the driver's license. Sometimes you have to do that, but that doesn't mean that it's going to motivate them to change their behavior. And so that's why we have to go beyond external motivation to internal motivation. And if you have a teen or tween who is struggling,

I'd encourage you with this. Let's try to get them doing one constructive activity, just one, preferably outside the home, helping another adult, helping little kids, helping animals, because your kids tend to be better with little kids, animals, and sometimes older people. And what I want them to do, even if you have to pay a neighbor or an elderly neighbor to approach your child and say, hey, I could really use some help at my house.

Could you come down for 30 minutes on Wednesday afternoon after school and I'll pay you 10 bucks. You don't have to pay them money because over time, they don't really, it's not the money. They will love feeling helpful. You know what they're feeling feeling I have something to give someone else take a tweener teen their whole life who has felt different never felt like I matched up with my peers or my siblings I've always has always felt like I'm swimming upstream in life I don't like school I'm supposed to be

really smart but I don't get good grades because I'm not really motivated by this. Well see now I have something to give doing service projects. Having a greater responsibility and I'm not talking about doing chores or doing their schoolwork. That's a little that's expected stuff of kids but these are kids who are comfortable in the adult world and I'd encourage you start thinking about how could I actually give them greater? Responsibility expect more of them when teens or tweens start giving out to other people guess what other people start saying hey You're really good at that. Hey, if you consider going to college for this Hey, I appreciate you helping me get some technology stuff done in my home Have you ever thought about going into IT and when someone else mentions that or praises them, they tend to hear it a lot differently

than they do coming from their parents. So I want to spark that internal motivation. So let's wrap it up this way. Moms and dads, think about Ben and Elizabeth. Have you been there before where you just feel like failures at times and judged by other people? You're not a bad parent. You're a really good parent. It's just that what you've been taught won't always work with the strong will kids. You're not necessarily doing anything wrong by taking stuff away or putting a toddler in timeout. It's just that that isn't enough. It won't work. I want you, I encourage you to spend your time,

find out what motivates your kids. Be a detective. Get in there and find out, oh, they are driven by their independence doing adult type jobs, having missions and you create successes. That tends to work a whole lot better than what we're doing right now.

So thank you for being a great parent. Thanks for listening to the podcast and sharing it. Thanks for working so hard on your own anxiety and control issues and working with these kids. If we can help you in any way, let us know. I do encourage you, if you have our programs or get them, let your kids listen to them and use it as a discussion.

Let them listen to the podcast. Hey, listen to this, what do you think about that? Our kids are never short of their own opinions on things and they'll let you know. But the better, the more helpful thing is that you have good discussions about what does motivate them. And oftentimes it is a kid who is empowered who says, mom, dad, I know what you want me

to do, but I'm not motivated like my sister or like you are. Here's what does motivate me. And you let your kids listen and they start to say, that's how my brain is made. And now they don't feel like, right? Like you sometimes feel like, oh, we don't know what we're doing as parents. We feel like failures. So do your kids. And I don't want any of you to feel like that

because you're good people. All right, love you all. We'll talk to you soon. Bye-bye.