Cameron Hanes - Keep Hammering Collective - KHC 099 - Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: October 28, 2024

Join us for a discussion with Bert Kreischer, stand-up comedian, podcaster, reality television host and actor.  Follow along: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cameronrhanes Twitter: https://twitter.com/cameronhanes Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/camhanes/ Website: https://www.cameronhanes.com   Follow Bert Kreischer: https://www.instagram.com/bertkreischer/  Thank you to our sponsors: Montana Knife Company: https://www.montanaknifecompany.com/ Use code CAM for 10% off  MTN OPS Supplements: https://mtnops.com/ Use code KEEPHAMMERING for 20% off and Free Shipping Sig Sauer: https://www.sigsauer.com/ use code CAM10 for 10% off optics Black Rifle Coffee: https://www.blackriflecoffee.com/ Use code KEEPHAMMERING for 20% your first order Hoyt: http://bit.ly/3Zdamyv use code CAM for 10% off Grizzly Coolers: https://www.grizzlycoolers.com/ use code KEEPHAMMERING for 20% off Timestamps: 0:00:00 Unprotected Sex, Knives & Bowhunting Shape 0:07:14 Running Marathons & Elite Athletes 0:14:03 Be Undeniable - Comedy Specials 0:27:55 Why Would You Say That? Advice From Joe 0:31:33 Ad Break 0:33:20 “The Machine” 0:37:54 The Key to Telling a Good Story 0:45:06 Kill Tony 0:48:39 The Brazilian Cat Germ 0:51:18 Hometowns & The Highlight of Bert’s Trip 0:56:03 The #1 Party Animal in the Country 01:02:54 Graduating Through the FL Prison 01:06:11 Bert’s Career Bombs 01:15:22 Hot Famous Women 01:24:06 Coolest Famous Guys 01:34:36 Confrontation & Coattailing  01:41:58 Jelly Roll 01:50:55 The Fame Doesn’t Feel Real - Imposter Syndrome 01:53:39 Helping Other Through Work 01:57:53 Nothing Better Than a Great Laugh 01:59:13 Bert’s Thoughts on His Lift. Run. Shoot. Experience 02:10:55 Outro

Every step I take I move my truth. Every time they tell me stop I use. Every comment hate that makes my feel. Gather up my energy and boom. I hear them talking, saying the way that I move it's so reckless. That is a part of my mind I've been blessed with. Giving my blood so I am relentless. This is a Keep Hammering Collective with Bert Kreischer.

Thank you. What's up? Man, this has been such a day. Can you believe it? I actually can't. I actually can't. I'll tell you what. It gives me such perspective.

on the people you've had on. Yeah. Yeah, because it's a day. It's a day. I mean, you know what you kind of do when you do this podcast?

As a host, you're like, you're like, hey, I like you. Would you like to be my friend? And then do my podcast. Yeah.

Dude, I've said this ad nauseum. It's so difficult to make friends. Yeah. People are so much more comfortable having a one-night stand and having sex. Yeah.

Unprotected sex with someone they barely know. But to say to another man, I'd like to go for a hike. I'd like to get you dialed in with a bow. I'd like to teach you how to use a bow. I'd like to then take you out, shoot the bow, and then can we work out?

I want to introduce you to my family. And then let's sit down for a couple hours and talk. Yeah. It changes every name of the list that I've seen. And I've watched a lot of these. It puts so much more of a depth to that person where I go, God, Aaron Rogers is a real dude. Yeah, he definitely is.

But every person I've had, it's like, you know, I have them, for a reason, because for whatever reason, I'm interested in them. And then we share this and you form a bond. I mean, I hope we can skip the unprotected sex part, can we? We can. And just go to the friendship part.

But yeah, it's like, you know, Rogan or you guys even are just natural conversationalists. Me, I like, you know, sharing my experiences, sharing my life. And then I have an easier time talking. Yeah. It's kind of how it works for me. Rogan's like that a little bit. Like early Rogan was you go to his house. Yeah.

Oh, and that's where he did the podcast? Yeah, you take you back, introduce you to his dogs. You'd probably meet his wife. You shoot a game of pool. You'd smoke a joint out by where the kids' playhouse was.

Yeah. And then you'd do a podcast and then you'd stick around and shoot pool. Right. It's very, I mean, the approach is very similar to Rogan. I think if he had more time in his hands, he'd have people come a little earlier and chill.

Right. No, he's definitely busy. But I think it helps. It helps me do this for sure as opposed to just coming in cold. No, I agree totally. But also, look at this. That's yours. Dude, this is what I was asking you about.

I know. Montana Knife Company? That's it. Oh, man. Pretty sweet, huh? That's a good knife. And you asked me what my favorite knife is earlier, and I said, a sharp one. But then, aside from that, American Made and a company that,

you know, they support the podcast, but also they're just good people, but that blade is sharp as hell. Dude, I'm a knife guy. Are you? Yeah. So, like, when I was on Travel Channel, I got into, I was like, I should find something to collect. Like, for my daughters, what I'd do is I would get snow globes wherever I went, and I'd bring home snow globes for them. And then for me, I was like, what do I want? And I was in, I was in Golden, Colorado.

And my camera man was like, have you ever heard of Spider-Co? I was like, no, what is it? He was like, dude, we're all going off spider coat and getting a knife. And at the time, I was like, I didn't care. I was like, go grab me one. And they got me a spider co. And I was obsessed with this knife. And then everywhere I went, I would pick up a knife.

I'd be like, hey, what's, like if anything, like a fishing shop, a hunting shop. And I'd pick up knives everywhere I went. And I have a wild collection of knives. But I do not have, I don't have one in this case, absolutely. And I know I don't have a Montana knife company knife. This is badass, dude. Thank you. You're welcome.

You're welcome. Thank you. That's a good one. So when you kill you. your first animal hunt with your bow. Yes. You can use that knife right there. Dude, that was the thing I was saying to you because I was like, as we talk about bow hunting

in general, I don't think I understood the depth of all the stuff that went into it. And what's crazy is throughout this day, you've kind of introduced me to different faculties of it. Like when we hiked up to the top of that mountain, I was exhausted. And it puts such perspective into what it must feel like. like to track an animal up terrain that is not gravel path. Right. And you don't pass anyone coming you're down.

With babies. And you don't know how far it is at the top. We definitely got to talk about that. But it's like, it's like getting exhausted up to the top. I couldn't after I shot the boat, I was like, I couldn't imagine shooting a boat at the top of this mountain. Yeah. I would be like.

Right. It's been crazy. But my thing I was obsessed with like skinning it. Yeah. I mean. That's what I said is like, you know, you talked about, I don't know how we got onto it. but so you kill it.

But yeah, that is a big part of it, is that physical part. And the people, a lot of people, when I first started with bow hunting and I started with the training thing, they were like, do we have to run a fucking marathon to do this? I don't want to do that. But to your point is it does play a big part in how successful you can be because if you get to the top of a mountain or you try to, you know, do a stock on a, maybe a herd is going up through a saddle and you got to head them off before they get there. you can be gassed, you can be winded, and you're not going to be at your best.

So I was like, well, I need to train to get, you know, at a higher level of physical fitness so I can get up there and make a good shot. But so your point there was, you know, we talked about, well, could you make a shot when you got up there? But then once the animal's down, then I said, well, then you got to skin it. You got to quartered or get the meat off. You got to gut it if you're by yourself. You need to move out and elk around.

You can get that stuff off without gutting it per se. but that might be a part of it. And then you got to get that on a pack and then hike it all out. And it could be hundreds of pounds of meat, so multiple trips. So being in shape is a big part of it. Dude. I mean, it's just, it amazes me how far away I am from the, from being able to bow hunt. Like just, it's incredible.

Yeah. Well, not physically. You did great. I thought you did. I mean, you're strong in the gym. You shot great. But yeah, there is a lot to it because we talked about it at the bow rack when we're looking at the pictures of the animals like the body position of an animal where you'd hit it with

an arrow what that would what organ that would hit so how quick it would die that's a big part of you're almost a biologist when you're bohunting too because you have to know what that arrow is doing oh i can i can totally see myself getting up to a massive elk and being like i can't pack bring this out it's too heavy someone calling the helicopter yeah it's uh it can be daunting but i have no doubt you know anything seems overwhelming at when you're starting at ground zero. I mean, like if you, to run a marathon, when you hadn't run, you're like, I can't run a marathon.

But when you start running and then you get a mile into it, then you're like, okay, I got a mile done. now let's get to mile two. Then you get, you know, so you break everything down. It's no different with this. There's just different parts you have to master different times. Yeah. Marathon, for me was just, it was just like mind over matter.

Just that does it. This foot goes in front of that foot for the next five hours. That's it. And it just go, I don't know. get to question it. I don't get sometimes it's going to be better than times it's going to suck. I just don't I don't get to have any argument. That's the problem. You get on a treadmill in your house and you turn on a TV show and you maybe have a box of wine on the treadmill and you're like, this would be nice. And then halfway in, you're like, I don't have to do this anymore. I'm done.

I'm getting in the hot tub. Right. Yeah. Marathon. You're just like, that's it. This is where I'm at. Well, I remember like years ago, I think you did a video during a marathon. I think you mentioned me in it. I did when I crossed the finish line. No, it was a half marathon. I did a half marathon to see if I could do a marathon. Okay. Which one was that? In St. Pete. It was the St. Pete.

I think it was the St. Pete half marathon. And it was crazy because I got to like six miles and I was like, all right, I'm done. I'm hauling ass. And I ran. I've checked my, my, my, what is it, the Phoenix watch? I've checked my heart rate on that. My heart rate was like maintaining it 168 for, I was sprinting. So I was so done with it.

And it was one of the. crap-ass marathons where it's out and back. Oh, where I'm like, don't even, you know they're doing that with the LA marathon now? They're like, no, yeah, you run town to head downtown and then you run back to Dodger Stadium. I'm almost like, no one. The idea is to get somewhere. Right. Like run to the beach.

Yeah, point to point. But it was a, and it was around a cul-de-sac. So you ran out and then hit a cul-de-sac and then just ran back and I hauled ass. Yeah. But yeah, so you gave me a shout-out. And I gave a shout-out when I crossed the finish line. But now, how many, how many? Marathons have you done?

Just the LA Marathon. I'll never do another one. That was it? Yeah, it sucked. Why? It sucked. Oh, it was, I should have lived. I was so willful because, you know, Rogan said I couldn't do it.

Ari said I couldn't do it. Tom said I couldn't do it. And I just have this, I have this weird thing. I can't understand it. It's primarily when I run my career, it's under promise over, overperform. But with my friends, it's overpromise hope that I overperform. Yeah. Like when Tommy said he was.

a great tennis player. I was like, I'll destroy you. He's like, you never seen me play tennis. And I go, I don't need to. I'll destroy you. I love the shit talk of it. Right. And then I took him out and his coach pulled him aside. He's like, yo, your boy's got a D1 serve. We have a problem. I aced him 37 times. I aced him 37 times. He was so, and this is when Tommy, when all his body parts worked, his, he was so defeated that like he just, he started throwing his racket. I mean, He was like a mess. How'd that feel? I loved it.

Yeah, felt great. It feels so, and when they said, I go, I could run a marathon with no training at all. And all them are like,

absolutely not. And I was like, eh, I'm pretty sure I could. I love that with friends. But here's what I also love. I mean this for real. Is being around like real dudes,

like you and Joe, because Joe is the same way. Like, if you get into the gym with Joe, you're going to, he's going to destroy you. Yeah. I mean,

Joe had me one time just doing inner hip, exercises and I was on fire. I was on fire. We were just like lifting our leg to the side. He's so flexible though. Like he'll stand and like hold up his kettle ball and then touch his hand on the ground. Have you done that? Oh yeah.

Those windmill things he does? I can't even do it with no weight. Dude. His, his capability in the gym is so different because I don't know, whatever he works is like stuff that he's learned from all those years. We did inner thigh workout. I don't even know what it was. Sammers had the thigh blasts.

Or wait, what was that called? Thigh blaster. Yeah, I think it was the thie blaster. Maybe Joe did that when he's a kid. Dude, I got stuck on the toilet the next day. I couldn't get off the toilet. But I, but like, even with you today when you're like, hey, Alberto Salazar ran this hill in 13 minutes.

I'm hoping you'll break it. You know, for a second. Yeah. I thought, all right, time to put the cape on. Let's do this. Right. Let's break. And then you said, so just how do you warm up?

I go, I just, you know, a little walk. And I was like, oh, my God, please tell me this gets flat. Shut up. And you did not break. Your breath did never. I was huffing and puffing. The audio of me going, and snot coming out of my nose. I was like, oh, I could not run this at all.

But it's cool when you hang out with, like, real athletes, like real elite people in their field because it does put perspective on the trash talk. Yeah. And it's like when we were talking about Matt Mitreone when he goes, how much? How much did you wait your fat is? You go 285 and he goes, no, so like $2.90? He's like, no, I said $2.85. He goes, $2.95.

And you're like, what are we doing here? Yeah. He just knows how it works. They call bullshit. Yeah. I love that. I love that, but I do love talking shit. Well, I know Joe, he thinks you're overconfident on your ability, right?

Because I've heard you guys on the podcast. 100%. And I don't know if you're talking about a pushup contest or where he's just like, no, you're not going to beat me. Like, you're like, I think I could. I remember one time. we were high and I said he was I said something about doing a split and I was like yeah everyone can do a split

and he was like what? I was like we can all do splits Joe he was like you can't do a split and I go absolutely I can do a split and Tom's high too Tom's like I think you can do a split Joe goes let me see it and I go okay and I start getting down on the ground

and I stop like two feet from the ground and he goes what are you doing and I said I can't do a fucking split and he goes wait why did you say you could and I was like I don't know just see look in your eyes Did you know you couldn't? I knew I couldn't do a split. But it was so fun because he was like... Just until...

It was so hilarious because he looked at me. He was like, why would you say you could do one if you knew you couldn't do one? I was like, I don't know. Maybe I could. I don't know. Joe doesn't really like overestimate. Like he's like, whatever he says he can do, he can do. It's exactly that.

Yeah. But here's the other thing is that like, and I always defend this because I know, I only know him as the comedian. I know everyone knows him as like so much more now. And I'm, trust me when I say, it's like a, I mean, this he's like a big brother to me i love him his i love him to death but i really just think of him as a comedian i don't think of him as everything that he's accomplished because that's where i know is his i mean it's like i know him the best yeah so i always deal with him just as a comic got it's like you know i don't text politics to him i don't text statin questions to him i don't like i'll

ask him about hey hawaias my son i'm not getting hot enough yeah because he keeps his son as at like 220. Right. I get 180 and I get dizzy. Yeah. Mine's at 190 some. And that's plenty. Dude. Yeah. But he's extreme on everything. Remember his first ice bath was like 30 minutes or something. No, hang on.

This is one of my favorite Joe stories. Oh, okay. Because this is how I know the guy. It's like as this guy. Yeah. His first ice bath was almost at a minute and he live streamed it. And he tapped out because he was like this is insane. Yeah. And then you know Joe's fans are like.

like dirty in the comments. Right. And they're like, conquer your inner bitch or whatever, you know. Be the main, be the lead hero in your own character story

or whatever. Stay hard, motherfucker. Keep hammering, Joe. Why are you hammering? Yeah. So Joe's like, Joe's brain switches over and he goes, that does it.

I'll show them. And he got into the polar plunge for 20 minutes. Right. Brutal, dude. He was brutal. He looked like the dude from the Titanic. He started going underwater

and there was a table on top and Rose was going, don't go, Jack. It was crazy. I think he changes in her core temperature to like three degrees. Probably. But that's his brain is like, bro. And it's in our business, it's a great guy to get advice from. You know, I remember him pulling me aside in the back of this store.

And I was just lost. I was doing clubs, but I wasn't doing theaters. And I was doing okay, but I didn't have a special that anyone watched. I had good stuff on the internet. And he was like, you need to get a Netflix special. And I was like, okay, that's typical Joe. Like, how do I do that? Cool, thanks, Ben.

Yeah. What do I do? And he was like, you just need to be undeniable. And I was like, I go, do you realize how fucking vague that is? That's a title of my new book. For real? Undeniable. Dude, I wrote it in my joke book, be undit.

Because I didn't know what it meant. Yeah. I just knew that it was a thing that he said by the cooler at the bar at the comedy store. Yeah. I was like, be undeniable. And every time I'd go in to look at a joke, I'd see be undeniable. I'd see B undeniable. Every time I was about to get on stage, I'd see B undeniable.

Yeah. And then one night, you know, maybe like four months later, I'm on stage and a dude, we do two shows on like Tuesdays. And I went up like maybe fourth. And this dude went after me. I won't say his name out of respect. And then the next show, he said, hey, I got to get out of your early. And he go before Burt.

And they were like, okay. And he went before me and he didn't go anywhere. He didn't have anywhere to go. and I got offstage and he was backstage and he was confused. And he was like, dude, when did you get funny? And I was like, because it's crazy. There was a lot of people that got famous before like, definitely before me.

And I think I was kind of looked at as like, maybe nothing will happen with the guy because I worked on Travel Channel. Yeah. But like, I know he's like funny, but like no one really watched my set. No one really gave a crap about following me. And this guy changed around so that he didn't have to follow me. And he was so confused.

Was he? So you killed it. And then he came on. and didn't do his good. The first show. Right. And then he was like, what the fuck?

What happened? So he wanted to see you or why did he switch? He said, I don't want to follow Bert in his head. So he said, I got to get out of here early. Can I get up before Bert? And they were like,

yeah, sure. And he was bigger comic than me at the time. Yeah. And I also, I've never had a problem following people. I always say we stand up by under promise over deliver.

But like, I've never had a problem following anyone. I'll follow anyone. It's never bothered me. I always think my energy will rechannel the room into what I'm doing. Right.

And then he stuck around. He watched my set and I did just as good on the second show. And he just came up really candid. And he was like, when did you get funny? And I was like, I don't know. I've been funny. He was like, dude, you're, I mean, you're telling me stories. Yeah.

And I was like, yeah. And I got in my car that night. I was like, wait, was I just undeniable? Like I was like, fuck. That's what that means. Yeah. And then I started looking at like times when like there was just, there was no real excuse for anything.

Like people would be like, oh, I got to get out early. And then where we do a big showcase and they put bird up last. And then I'd be like, okay, I think I'm undeniable. And then right after that, Netflix called and they're like, yeah, we want you to do 30 minute special because they were doing 30 minute specials. Yeah. And in my head, I sat on my couch. I talked to everyone about it, like advice.

Yeah. And I sat on my couch outdoors. I was smoking a score. And I was like, no, I'm undeniable. I was like, I'm going to do an hour. And I told them, I said, I'll do an hour, but I'm not doing half an hour. And they were like, well, we're not offering an hour. hours are different.

That's a different. We're offering you a half hour. And I was like, okay, I'm still going to pass. I'm going to do an hour. And two days later, they called. They're like, all right, let's do an hour. And I was like, cool. And that was secret time.

Yeah. How did that one do? I remember it. It was probably the biggest. I mean, I don't know. I don't know if it was my best special, but I always think it's my best special. It's easily the best I've ever performed. I think that one show I did, the second show of Philadelphia.

And I mean, I know that people would disagree with it. that are like my wife who's edited all my specials yeah but that show was just perfect it was how many do you record interesting question so for secret time back in the day you do one okay back in the day then for the machine i did two and i killed it on both them there's no pressure i just had great sets yeah secret time i did two and on the first show i bombed like i really bombed the air conditioning went out. The generator went out. It was raining so the crowd was wet. They didn't serve. It was everything was a perfect storm for shit performance. And I and I like at one point I stepped on the mic so as I walked the mic went away from my so it sounded like I went and the punchline happened. Oh no. I got off stage and

my wife's like supposed to take notes on what jokes I flubbed and she goes I don't even know where to start. That was horrible. And my dad did something very interesting. which I've always wondered if it's accurate or not. My dad at a very young age told me I love pressure. He's like, buddy, you're just the guy. You love pressure. When all the chips from the table, that's when you want to be put in the game.

When it's two outs, bases loaded and you're down by three, you're the kid. Do you know what? You know that was a trick. You know that. That's a parent trick. I know that now.

Yeah. Yeah. So he was trying to give you that edge. Yeah. You probably didn't have it, but he wanted, he knew you'd need it. Dude, I said that to my dad, and he goes, I don't know, buddy. I was doing the best I could. You just come up with what?

You're grasping at Strauss as a parent. I don't think he wanted to see his son fail. And he was just like, all right, you love this, you love this. Remember? You're great at this. I am? Dude, I walked out on that stage. And my wife goes, well, you've always loved pressure.

Boy, you put all the chips out now. You better kill it. And I just, I remember sitting going on stage going, dude, this. is where I thrive. In this moment, this is where I raised the occasion. And I murdered that set. Like out of all the sets I've ever done, that one time with everything, my Netflix, first Netflix special, second show in Philly. I remember I got to a joke. The joke was, uh, I took Ila. I took, I had to go to parent teacher conference and I was hung over.

And so I got a cup of coffee and two Diet Cokes, threw them in my vest pocket, got to school, sit down and they're like, yeah, we're going to have to hold Ila back. She's dyslexic. And I already killed my coffee. And I crack one of the Diet Cokes, take a sip. And it turns out it's a cores light. And the punchline to the joke was, it's a Coors Light. And then the crowd laughs. And I go, that's a game time decision, gentlemen.

It's like a finger in your ass in an orgy. Do you pull away from it or do you push back into it? I pushed back into it and I killed that Coors Light. And the place went, oh, baby. I'm getting chill and I was thinking about it. But I was like, so that was like a great set. Yeah. Yeah.

That's so two, because I know now do some people record. Oh, it's interesting. Yeah, because they do two, like two shows a night for two nights and record all four. So after that one experience, I was like, I'll never do just two shows. I go, there's too much on the line. Right. I was like, you fuck up one. You could easily fuck up the other one. You can easily fuck up the other one. Yeah. So the next show I did four. That was, hey, big boy. and and then and I and I and I like I still planned all I still ended up fucking up shows like one show I had mustard on my jeans I know and I was like and we're watching it in the edit it's a great show but there's mustard on my jean clearly on my jeans and I go hey how come

no one told me how did I get mustard on my jeans and my wife's like you wanted hot dogs and so like you nobody told you no and then so that show shot right yeah What you don't know also, I was shooting a special. This is inside the weeds. But that first show you ever shoot, that first show, that show is shot too. Because the audience hasn't, or the cameraman haven't seen your angles. They're filming it for the first time. Right.

The director's filming it for the first time. So a lot of times that very first show you shoot is kind of a wash also. Right. So then I did four, I did four for, Hey, Big Boy. I did four for Razzle-Dazzle. And then this one, which I've named it, I haven't announced yet. I was like, I'm doing six. Six.

I did six and I killed six shows and it made it so difficult because they're all good. They're all good. And I'm like, how do you get the best or how do you choose the best? What happened was I killed the first four shows. And then I was like, why am I doing six? I was like, but it was the confidence to know you had six.

Yeah. It takes a pressure off. It takes the pressure off. Yeah. But you thrive under pressure. I thrive under pressure. So I said on those last two shows, I said, I'm going to just switch it up and fuck around on stage yeah and i switched it up on the first show and i told a joke i'd never really told

and everyone the crew's like whoa hold on what is where is this been yeah i was like ah something i told a long time ago i don't tell anymore and then like do it again yeah so i did it again and i changed it up and then i added something that like i would never i had it was just a it was like a heartfelt story and uh and i was like oh cool but i still like i haven't looked at the edit yet It's not due for a while, but I've looked at the edit. But now I do six. And that's a Chappelle thing. That's what he does.

I'm not going to speak for Dave only because it's irresponsible. But I think if I'm not mistaken, on one of his, he shot like nine shows and really got it. And I got lucky enough to party with him one night. And we were hanging out, having a good time. And I was like, yo, I'm irresponsible if I don't like, if I don't take an opportunity to talk to the greatest guy of my generation, possibly ever to do it. and ask you some tricks of the trade. Yeah. It's like if you get to sit down with any of your bow hunting heroes and you're like,

hey man, can I ask you like a couple questions? Yeah, yeah. And I said to him, I said, I said, I'm getting ready to shoot my special and he just took over. He was how many shows? I said, six. He was perfect. I said, really?

He goes, here's what you got to do. And he ultimately laid down the groundwork for what I ended up doing on those last two shows. Yeah. That's interesting. And he was, I mean, he's the greatest. He's like, I'm very, I feel very blessed to just have a friend. friendship with him yeah no he's he's amazing so I wonder I guess every time you film that's gonna come out of who pays for that me does that come out of what Netflix

pays you yeah okay and then you so the more you film the less you're gonna make but technically yeah so like let's I'll give I'm gonna just give soft numbers for you put your head around it yeah the say say a special costs I'll just say 250,000 dollars say you decide to spend $250,000 on your special. You can do two shows for $250,000. That will, you can definitely do that for $20. You can do it for less if you won. That's actually a real number.

For the production cost. For the production cost. And that's not too high end of a production cost where you're doing too much like a spider cam or some shit. That's just $250. You can shoot an awesome, deliverable 4K special for Netflix, very workable price. And you can probably keep a little for yourself for real. And like, what do they, do they cover that cost or how much you, make from Netflix. It depends. I mean, this is probably above my pay grade to talk about this,

but I think they have different deals for different comics. Yeah, I would think. Like I'm certain Joe has a much more lucrative deal for his. So let's pretend they give Joe a million dollars to shoot a special. They don't. I'm certain they don't, but they give a million. Joe can decide how much he wants to keep and how much he wants to put into the special. I see. Okay. So we're saying if a special cost 250, say you sign a deal for like 400,000, you can try to keep all the money, or you can say, I hope I have the best special. And it only really costs 50 grand to shoot another night of taping. And then another 50 grand, because you've already flown everyone out, just playing for

room and hotel, you're just paying for rentals for one more day. It's not all the big costs are out of the way. And then if you're doing it in a theater or if you're like Joe Coy and you're doing it in arena, or if you're fluffy and you're doing it at Dodger Stadium, you're, you You also have your walkout, your door. Right. So you are also, I mean. Make millions there, right?

Without a doubt, Joe Coy is making way more in shooting his special in an arena than probably not fix his playing, paying him because he just, maybe not. Maybe not Joe's making a lot of money. But Joe Coy and all Joe. But, yeah, so I, Joe Biden. Joe Biden is probably not making as much. Okay. Although I definitely would go see him on a speaking door.

I would too. I want to see him on Rogan. I would be good. I don't know. It would be a little bit like watching your grandmother talk to your girlfriend. Elder abuse. My heart goes out. That guy's been a civil servant his whole fucking life.

He's had some real tragedies happen in his life. I don't know if I want to see him go on Rogan. Yeah. It's like any of those guys, any of those guys that go on Rogan that have what I guess they call like a paper lion defense. Yeah. It's going to be tough. It's, I mean,

you can't, you can't bullshit with Joe. You just can't. And I've tried. And then he gives you that dead look. Why did you say that? I mean, the best one of those,

did you see when Shane said, you know, I was, I said, when I got fired from S&L, I thought, screw it, I'll just go on Rogan.

And Shane goes like this. Yeah. And Joe was like, why would you say that? No, that was, I was kind of awkward. It's,

It's one of my favorite moments of a podcast because it's so who Joe is and it's so who Shane is and it's so how everyone thought at the moment. Right. Is dude, he gets canceled. He'll go on Rogan. Boom. Fix it. And of course, Joe is so anti the direction you think he's going. Anti-Sammon, he's just like, why would you say that?

That's tough. Yeah. Oh, he's done it to me a million times. I said, I have a great joke about UFC. I don't think you're going to like it. And he goes, well, you haven't told it to me. How would you know if I didn't like it? Yeah.

And then I tell him a joke and he doesn't laugh. He goes, that's a very funny joke. Why did you think I wouldn't like it? And I go, I don't know. Never mind. And the thing about Joe, too, is like, I've never heard him give bad advice. Have you? Has he given you bad advice ever?

No. No. As a matter of fact, no. So it's like if you have any question about some of his advice keeps me up at night. Yeah. I remember him a long time ago. a long time ago going,

I'm concerned with about your drinking. And this is when no one was saying it. And I was like, really? And he's like, yeah, we got to take care of that. I hear him say that in my head so many times. Right. Yeah. Because he's not a dick.

Like some people, some people when they reach out, especially when you're off the, like I was telling you, I was two, probably two 90. Who knows how big I was? I was disgusting. And I was partying like crazy. I had no rule. to anything. I would buy an outfit to wear on the Today Show in LA, fly to New York, and it wouldn't

fit me that morning. Dude, I would put on weight. I was so bloated. So unhealthy. I started seeing Brigham right around then. And I was like, Brighan and Denise will tell you, like, they were like, yo, you don't have to be nervous about your blood work. We're not, we're not going to judge you. We're not judging. We're trying to help you. And that's Brigham, Waze too well, by the way. Yeah. Shout out to Brigham, Denise. And, uh, we're not. and you and what would happen is people would reach out to you and say they were worried about you but sometimes it was more about them probably about them yeah and you were just like okay yeah it was it was bizarre the people that would reach out and you're like can you clean up your own

fucking backyard before you're looking over the fence one guy was 380 pounds yeah yeah exactly i was like i know i'm overweight but i'm still a hundred pounds away from you and by the way where everyone talks about you're behind your back like you're gonna have a stroke right like and so But Joe is the one person that it was never public. It was never, it was never like aggressive. It was always like a buddy. And having a drink with you. Hey, man.

I remember him saying, and this is the way his brain works. He's like, you're running a lot. And I said, yeah. And he goes, are we worried about your knees? Because you're pretty big. And I was like, I don't know. Should I be? And he was like, I don't know.

A week later, Tommy blows out his knees trying to jump. And I'm like, oh, thanks, Joe. Joe actually had relief. Yeah. A week later, Tommy. tries to jump. Parton and advice. Yeah.

Yeah. It's, no. I don't know. It's a, oh, I was curious. So you were telling your story

about comedy. Did you get funnier or what happened? How did it change? When did the success? When did your trajectory change? I think the most, uh, honestly,

I think it's when I started telling the machine. Because I was, so many comics. And if, if you're in comedy long enough, You'll see so many comics trying to do the thing that's sellable at the moment. Like when Dane Cook was the cat's pajamas in this business, a lot of guys had Dane Cook energy, probably me included.

Yeah, yeah. He was big at a time, yeah. I mean, it was like watching the first caveman make fire. Yeah. He was doing the, I walked into a store. I walked into a store through the door. I looked at the lady in her eyes. I mean, it was like, it was so mesmerizing that everyone got caught up in it.

And everyone was trying to do a version of, Dane because it was just what was buying and it was hot and it would and it was undeniable. At the time it was undeniable. Right. And then and I think for a period of time I was always trying to be the edgy guy and I wanted to have the edgiest joke and I wanted to be talking about the hot button topic that kind of you wanted the room to go, whoa. And within one week I had two things happen. I had this joke that was a bullshit joke about my daughter, Isla, putting her finger in her. and put it in the dog's mouth, which I just was like,

it was like a joke I told him in that when no one was watching. And I went on Rogan and I told the machine. And Joe was like, I mean, this moment you can, I can pinpoint it, it's probably the moment that changed my career. He goes, he is supposed to tell that from this point 40s, only to be known as the machine. If you see him on stage, you are to call him the machine and you make him tell this story.

And I was like, Joe, it's not a stage story. He goes, it is. You just have to learn how to tell it. Right. No one, and I don't think there's very many people doing it today. And I can say that confidently, but I'm certain at the time, no one was telling a 12-minute, 15-minute story. No, I haven't heard one. It's just, no one's definitely telling that story after 15 years straight again and again and again.

I'm the only guy doing that. You told it at Modic Center here in Portland, and it killed. Yeah. I mean, so I don't know how many times you told it, but it still works. As long as I keep going to a bigger venue. Yeah. I go, it's still new people. Right.

And I went from clubs to theaters to bigger theaters to arenas to amphetators. I mean, so, but I went to Columbus, Ohio that weekend. And I said, I was like, I would go to do my act. And I remember, I remember them channing out the machine in Columbus. And I was like, guys, I'm not going to do it. And they're like, come on, Joe said you have to do it. And I was like, guys, it's not a stage story. And one guy in the front row was like, Bert, we'll fake laugh.

Don't worry. And I was like, oh my God. So I told it. It was probably 20 minutes long. Yeah. And I got done. And, uh, dude, I was working with was like, dude, I think that's going to be legit. If you can skinny that up and that's, that's a really great story.

It's just at stage. It's a little long. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I started doing it every night. I was like, you know what? I don't care if I kill.

I want to be better. And so I started learning to tell this story. And I learned so much about stand up within telling it that I was like, wow. And then when I started. When I figured out that story, I learned how to tell other stories quicker and faster. And that story about Ila putting her finger up her ass. One night I did it at the Irvine Improv. I just done it.

Like, I've been working on it. Not working on it, but I worked on the machine. And I learned how to tell it. And I realized it needed an ending. And I didn't from this guy, Ian Bagg, who was like, dude, that is your stand-up. Like, that is what you're. You talk about your family, dude. It's still edgy.

Yeah. And I think that year I learned so much that I started applying to it. And I was like, okay, I don't care. what anyone else is doing on stage. I don't give a shit. I want what I have to be undeniable, and I want it to be different. I don't want anyone to be able to tell anything I have.

And I'm just going to talk about really, really personal stuff. And I'm just going to tell my stories. And all of a sudden, it's like, after I learned how to tell the machine, I learned how to tell this fight in a bear. I fought a bear one time. I jumped out of playing with Rachel Ray. I'm still working on this tamed lion story. I tame lions for a day.

And then I had all these stories about my family that I learned structure-wise. could be done so well because I learned how to tell this 15-minute story. Yeah. What did you learn? I mean, what's the key to tell them a story? People need to know it's over. Yeah, the ending.

You've got to tell. The story's got to end. It's got to end. And I learned that on accident. I had said this bit I had about something. I didn't have an end of the story. I tell the machine story and I'd go, I thought it ended.

with me walked I walked out the cops cop walks up gets close to me can smells morning cigarette and he goes so I understand you in the machine I thought that's where the story ended yeah and I couldn't understand why it just and they just sat and they're like end and I was like well no that's it yeah and then like what happened next and then I just continue to tell about the rest of my

and it just trailed on and then one night I had this boring part in the middle of the story when the after we robbed the bar cart and the teacher comes in and she opens the door and there was I was telling you like stuff that didn't matter in the story, but it's just stuff that I found interesting. And,

and I didn't tell any of that stuff and I just told when he spit the vodka face. And someone in the audience, I think someone in the audience were, in my brain, I was like, someone needs to say something here. And the phrase those gangsters said all the time was,

this is Russia. They always said that. Like, did guys, this is Russia. Yeah. And I said, he looked at spit vodka in her face. It was like, and I said, turned to me and he goes fuck that bitch this is russia that's ending now and immediately I went oh that's it

if I have the cop say that at the end the cop comes in tonight's you party with us it waits give it a beat everyone wants to know what happens and I go wait I'm not in trouble and he gets so close I can smell his morning cigarette and he goes no fuck that bitch this is Russia they know it's over right and it would get a

a plot break and I was like I was like oh shit yeah you gotta know it's over they got to know when to clap yeah and I know to laugh and then I would I would learn throughout that. Like I had a story about Ila, meat and edibles. Ila, me eating edibles over serving myself. Ila coming to my room in the middle of the night and asked me if I believed in time travel.

And one night I fucked it up and I told a story about her keeping her deodor in the refrigerator. And I started it, but I didn't finish it. Okay. And all of a sudden that was in the middle. And then as I told it, I went, she goes, Daddy, do you believe in time travel? And I'm like, yeah. She goes, I go, why? She goes, that's all I need to know.

And then I go, oh, my God. I go, now I think there's a 30-year-old version of my daughter in her bedroom going. So what did he say? He's like, I told you, I was real. Your dad's going to die, but we can save his life. And you put your deodorant in his refrigerator. And the place went crazy, and I went, oh, shit. And then I will tell you, I got too nifty with endings.

Oh. Oh, yeah, the second you learn how to put garlic in shit, all of a sudden you start over-garlicking everything. Yeah. And so then that was the key. That's what I think I did probably best in this new special is I, is I didn't need everything. Everything didn't need to have a tight bow. Mm-hmm. But, yeah, that's interesting.

It's a delivery. I mean, I liked it, you know, the Russian, the morning cigarette, because it gives people that, they know what that smells like. You know what somebody with cigarette breath smells like. Yeah. So, like, it put, it kind of puts them there. So it's like those little details, I think, also help a story. Oh, dude.

You can paint a picture with, and I think that's our job as comics, is to paint a picture as clear and concise as you can with just real quick. Yeah. I can't think of a great example I do, but I will say like when I talk about the hike to my daughters, I'll say stuff like, oh, it's beautiful because it's got fog, but the sun is streaming through it. And then you can almost picture that hike we did this morning. Yeah.

Or like, you know, you walk into the, you walk into the, the bow shop and you can describe the energy of the men there. It's like a Christian's men's meeting, but they let you curse. You know? Well, you walked in and you're like, I don't know, something about smells like, man. I don't know what you said. I can't remember what you said. But it's like that visual you had.

Yeah. I think your daughter mentioned that what you do is journalism. You know, and when you write, you tell a story with words. And those words need to put the reader there. That's no different than when you're talking or when you're telling a joke or when you're explaining the bow shop or the mountain or whatever is these words, we use are so valuable and so important. And it's like the right word, the right time means so much. I love a small detail. Yeah. Like a small detail. That's journalism though. That tells you so much.

I would get obsessed with small details. And I would, I mean, anyone that listen to me knows, I would often keep any small detail in a story just because I loved the small detail. Yeah. Can you think of one? If I do any bit, I could over detail anything. Okay. Yeah, that's the, that's the magic, though, is finding that perfect amount, isn't it, of garlic, essentially. Yeah. Yeah. It's, uh, I just think it, it adds to it, you know, and the, but the, the ending, if you're listening to this and you're like, yeah, my story's always fucking flop. It's all you need is an ending.

Work backwards from the ending. Right. Sometimes the ending is the best, you start with the ending and you go, this is a great story. I don't need to do anything. And then you got to fill in the middle parts. But, uh, you know, so I haven't done. stand up in so long right now that as I'm thinking it's like normally when you do a lot of stand up you're on and you could recite your act yeah like there's a new bit I'm working on about uh

I was that uh I'm sure this will never make it to a special so I don't mind telling it I'm so far away from my next special that if this stays in the act I'll be shocked yeah but uh like I went into I was we were on the road and we were eating lunch at one of those it's like a Benningens you know what Benningens is yeah do you remember how they had all flare everything and it's like weird freaking mirrors. Yeah, just like office space flare. Just like office space. And I was walking to the bathroom. And as I turned left to the bathroom, there was a dude, a black dude, turning right out of the bathroom. And we almost walked into each other in the doorway. And I thought it was a mirror. And I went, oh, my God,

I thought that was a mirror. And the black guy goes, you're not black. And I meant to say, I'm not. But the way I, because I was caught off guard, I did it like a question. I go, I'm not? And then he was so taken. off that he turned around and walked back into the bathroom. And I still have to go to the bathroom. So I walk in and he's just washing his hands. Yeah. And I was like,

chaos. And I was like, as this is happening, I go, this is pretty funny. Yeah. This story needs an ending. Right. Yeah. And so I walk into the urinal and under my pants. I go, oh my God, I'm not.

Yeah. And the black guy starts laughing and I go, all right, that's a bit. Yeah. That's a bit. It's a bit. It's small. It's digestible. And then the way I work, I go, that needs to be something bigger.

So I'll take that little intro and then turning it into a larger conversation of like a better story. Yeah, I think it's like if you were talking yourself, it's like, I can't believe I thought I was. And then you look down and then there is. I'm not. Obviously I'm not. Yeah. But it's like, where is my dick? You can, and by the way, you can tell a great story.

Like I'm, especially I've been doing comedy long enough. You can go like, dude, that's that's, that's, that's, I mean, the story he was telling it in breakfast. I go, that's fucking perfect. Have we ready to unleash that one, James? No. It's great when you do. I honestly, save it for your one minute of Kill Tony. Do it on Kill Tony.

It'll destroy. Tony doesn't know I'm going to be on Kill Tony yet. He'll have you in a heartbeat, especially when he does the Portland Arena. Oh, yeah. You know who my favorite lately is on Kill Tony? Is that Ari Matty or whoever? I know who you're talking about.

I don't know how to say it's last name. He's from Lithuania or something. Somewhere. I don't know. He's very funny. Pretty funny. Yeah. And very funny for not having a,

not being born speaking English. Yeah. Like that's hard. Oh, man. I think, yeah, he's got some, he's got some, I think the funniest one is where the, the homeless guy is how good they have it. Like they can see a hot girl and pull their dick out because they know they're not going to fuck them.

They come back. The girl runs off. They high fives his boys. He's like, what are the cops going to do? Come arrest me. He's like, oh, what are you going to do? Give me a bed? I mean, it's like, it's pretty funny.

He's got some good stuff. There's a lot of those Kill Tony kids. I say kids, I mean, they're younger than me. Yeah. But like there's, and they're hungry. They're really hungry. And I'll tell you, man. And it's a thing about Austin.

It's a thing about Joe. And it's a thing about, I would say the group of comics is they're stirring up the system. And they're breaking the mold. Right. I mean, the mold was, yo, go on the road. Get in it all the funny bones. Getting in all the improvs. Be a good kid.

$1,500. That's all you're going to get. and that's a lot of money. Don't ask for more. No, you're going to pay for your own hotel. Maybe we'll put you at the condo or you're going to pay for your own hotel. You got to pay for your own travel.

Don't do it. And now these Kill Tony kids have been doing stand-up one year, three years, some more. I think William Montgomery's like a legit, like been doing it, I think, 10 years. Yeah. But these, and they're breaking the mold.

They're breaking the system. And they're going in and they're doing theaters and rock clubs. They're fast-tracking. But fast-tracking sounds like a cheat code. They're just doing their own thing. It's like that was the brilliance of, Tommy is that Tom Segura is Tom never really subscribed to the to the to the to the system.

Like he got into the system and then was like, yeah, this is stupid. What to go on the road and do all that? Yeah. I remember Tom Tommy and his wife and my wife were all very close. And I remember Christina one time saying Tom doesn't think I should do the funny bones. And I remember being like, don't listen to Tom. He doesn't know what he's talking about. He trusts me.

Christina. I call her push. I go push. You got to do the funny bones. You get in with the funny bones. Be cool with the managers. Do whatever they say. Stay late.

Party with the staff. Have a good time. Sell merch. And then you'll build an audience that way. And then Tom just did it his own way. And one day I'm like, yo, where the fuck's the Tropicana? And he's like, oh, it's like a trocadero. He's like, it's a rock club.

I do a rock club. I do one night there. It's seat 600. I get the door. And then instead of just doing the funny bone or whatever, the helium. I was like, but helium seats like 2000. He was like, yeah, but I'm not going to be there all weekend. I can get, and then he told me like what he made in one night.

And I called Christina. I was like, I was wrong. And then Tommy called me and he's like, you need to stop doing helium. You got to do the truck. Yeah. And then I did the truck and I ended up doing it from where I did Secret Time. I did seven shows. And I was like, what am I doing?

Yeah. But you got to be willing to do what the system tells you not to do. And that's what these kill Tony kids are doing. Yeah. Joe's that disturber. because Joe's always like, dude, fuck that. Yeah, I'd do this. Yeah.

Yeah, I know. He'll be like, it'll work. I mean, like I said. You said it in the car. I wish I believed in myself as much as he believes in me. But he's just like, he believes in people. Dude, me too. I wish I believed in myself as much he believes in me.

He calls me up all the time and will give me some advice about something. And just, and you're like, oh, I don't know, Joe. You know, party is like, yeah. I mean, he guys been batting a thousand, but you're like, what if this is the one? Right. You're talking about me. I'm not that good. I'm always like, well, he can take chances because he's, you know, got a lot more money than me.

I can't take chances. Dude, but he took chances. He took wild chances. Yeah. When like he wasn't who he is today. Yeah. I mean, that's the, his thing is, I don't know, man. He's got that.

I always to think he got that, that everyone who's a real Rogan listener right now. you'll get this reference. And if you're not a real Rogan listener, you won't get this reference. He's got that Brazilian cat germ that makes you take wild chances. You've ever heard about that? No. There's this.

It's not a cat. It's, okay, the cats in Brazil release something in their poop that the rats eat that makes the rat want to take chances that helps the cat kill the rat. Oh, nice. And it's like,

it makes, I think it's CTE ultimately. It makes you want to do wild shit. But, but Rogan used to talk about that so much on his podcast. Back in the day, he'd be like,

wow, there's like a gene that comes out. It's secreted out of the pheromones or the cat that the rat eats and it makes it want a tail. And it was like, it's like an old school reference. Right. So that's him. Taking chances.

He loves it. I mean, he loves the, what other fucking, I mean, he's done such wild shit. Moved to Austin when, He doesn't, it's not like he's like, he's not calling his dad going, hey, what do you think

if I did this? Right. He's just doing it. Yeah. Looks at his wife. He's like, I got an idea. Yeah. And she's like, well, okay.

I know. He's like tried to get me to, and I think about how much, God, it'd cost a lot to move all this stuff to. I've already, I've already thought about that. As we were in here, I go, you have made it where you're going to die here. There's no way to get all these moose and elk head out of here. I know. And he's just like, he goes, what are you talking about?

I moved my whole. you know, he had that whole huge studio at L.A. And he's like, oh shit. He moved the whole studio. He's like, what are you talking about? He goes, you can move that easy. And whatever. Would you move to Austin?

I love it. I mean, this is, you know, I've lived here forever. This is my routine. The lift for a shoe is Piscca and the Waynes and the bow rack. O.P.H. for breakfast. Oh. How can I change that out? It would be tough.

I told you there's something very, very, for lack of better words. very sexy about growing up in a hometown growing up in a town and living in a town and i'm i'm bummed that i don't have it i would love i would love to be a part of tampa the way that my friends are all that live in tampa and like i was telling you it's like when we all get together we talk and we catch up but when i see them talk to each other it's like they're speaking a different language right they got that connection yeah and it's cool and i i mean i leveraged it for my career like i don't have it with anyone in new york I definitely don't have it with anyone in L.A.

Everyone from L.A. is a transplant. I think, I think, especially when I come here, I go, this would be, this would have been a badass place to live. Eugene? Yeah. Yeah. Well, we also got to see where Pree died. Obsessed with Pree. Yeah.

So I had to take you up there to Pree's Rock. We went to O.P.H. for breakfast. That was a great breakfast. Yeah. I mean, I wanted you to get the full experience. So that was fun. You were a big hit. hit with everybody here.

I got, yeah, I, I, I've, Renegade Barbershop. Oh, that was the, that was, that might have been my highlight. That was so good. I know it was their highlights. Oh, we got, we went in and I, we, first of all, I get into my favorite conversation we ever get into is when a guy says, I lost 100 pounds.

I love those conversations. Oh, man. I know Mario's looking good. He looks phenomenal. And by the way, he showed a picture, such a different person. Yeah. When he was overweight, he looks like a guy who just giggle a little bit. Now he looks like the barber of Seville.

Yeah. He's such a good guy. He's a great. And then he's like, hey man, you want a haircut? And I was like, no, but I could have my back shaved and my tits lined up. I've never heard about the tits lined up. Oh. That's a hack.

Oh, it's a dude. You don't need to lift. It's the same thing people do with their pubic hair. Give yourself a little seizure cut and everything looks bigger. You trim back the bushes. You got more sidewalk. I think Haley enjoyed that story. Yeah.

I think she might have. Yeah. Yeah. So that was good. Heroes in there. We had a great time. That was fun. The highlight of our trip had to be the my aggressive, unintentional flirtation with those two girls. Oh man. Yeah. The, uh, I'm better at going down. That was a good one. Hold on. That's not. Hold on. That was you told those girls. Yeah. Well, okay, just to put it in perspective. So this hike is pretty intense. Nothing for me. I'm just going to say

me cam seemed to be very comfortable and so any time we got on a flat part he'd go how about we jog this part and I'd be like cool and I was just burning in my lower back and it turned out that on two flat parts were the same set of girls yeah so I would jog past them on the flat part and then there was a steep part and then they'd lap me one girl had a dog one girl had a baby and a baby Bjorn who is seven months old yeah they were not sweating I'm sweating through a sweatshirt. And then as I, as they pass me, I then go to pass them again on the flat part. And they, and they call me on it.

And I, and then they meet me at the top. They're not winded. I can't catch my breath. Right. But they're very cool. We talk. I think we did. They watched us film some stuff.

And then they started heading down. And then we hung out and talked for a little bit. And then when we started heading down, I see them. I don't know. What's wrong with me? I have an impulse to talk. I said, I said, I'm, as I'm past as I said, I'm, better at going down than going up.

Yeah. Cam just goes, oh, God. My girl's like, cool. Yeah. Like, I didn't mean it like that. Yeah, yeah. It was.

Sometimes I go down so hard I trip, and I end up doing it on my knees. I mean, it's just like so bad. It was so bad. It was, uh, yeah. But, hey, that's why we left. Yeah. Dude, I, I've always said, like, there's, you know,

there's comics that say the right thing at the right time. and zing you and they're the king of the room. And I think I'm just a fool. I've always been a fool. I'm very honest and I'm goofy. And I think weird thoughts and I do weird things. And I love the job of being a comic. But man, if you wanted to find Bert Kreischer, who I've been my entire life, I'm better

at going down than going up is who I am. I love it. You know, well, you're talking about Tampa and growing up there. I mean, what did you think you're going to do when you're as a kid? What were you going to do when you grew up? I kind of thought, I figured I'd probably be a lawyer. Lawyer. Yeah, my dad was a lawyer.

And so I was like, I guess that's, you know, that's kind of what, like, all my friends who had dads were, everyone just thought they'd be a lawyer. And then my uncle had a, my uncle had a lobbying firm and, like, a lobbying firm, I guess is what it's called out of D.C. And so right before the Rolling Stone article came out, I went up there in college to like go and kind of like see if I, if I fit in and if it's something I wanted to do. Rolling Stone article.

Yeah. I got written up in Rolling Stone magazine when I was 25. As for being a comedian? No. Oh, for what? No, for being the number one party in the country. What? Yeah.

You did? So, yeah. I didn't know that. I think I'll have an interesting. When I die, people go, wow, that guy was kind of interesting. What about a book? Have you done a book yet? Yeah, it was, I don't, I don't read.

So I'm not sure I should have written a book. I listened to yours on an audio book. Oh, thanks. No, I was, I was in college for like six and a half years, seven years. And on my last year, Rolling Stone magazine wrote a six-half-page article about me, called me the number one party animal in the country. Oh, shit. And it changed my life.

It changed my life entirely. Yeah. And I didn't. Name recognition. I mean, I recorded it. I mean, we, they came and stayed with me in November of that of my senior, my final senior year. It came out in April. But right before that March, I went up to kind of, you know, apply to work at my uncle's lobbying firm, moved to D.C.

That's what my plan was. And when I went to spring break, my dad was like, yo, I think this article is about you. And I was like, for real? And he was like, yeah, because they sent all the pictures and you're in all the pictures. And I was like, okay. And he's like, you need to sign off on these. But if you sign off on him, you're going to be in all the pictures. And I was like, cool, that would be awesome.

And then it came out and like the opening sentence of that magazine, it came out April 1st of 1997 when the opening sentences is taken six and a half. It's taken Burke Chrysier six and a half years to become the man he is today, the number one party year at the number one party school in the nation. And it changed, it changed my life. It was like immediately I started doing television interviews, radio interviews, Oliver Stone's company optioned the rights to my life. I said in the article, I wanted to be a stand-up. So a radio station put up a big stand-up show at this place called Pop Bellies. So I did Pop Bellies for one night, did 20 minutes.

At the end of the show, I would never have done it now. That'd be the last person having never done stand-up. Yeah, that's a tough position. Doing 20 fucking minutes. That's a long time for the first time. It just went. It was like perfect. It was like I just, and not granted, it was like a lot of my friends, you know, we're in the room.

And it just went perfect. I felt comfortable. Oh, I felt comfortable. I probably the purest I've ever been on stage. But so that that was your goal to be a stand-up comedian? It was just like I'd set it casually. I thought I'd, best case scenario, sell carpets in East Georgia, maybe. Hopefully I'd get a job selling boats with my girlfriend's dad.

Good commission. I made, do I have been the best luxury item salesman? Yeah, yeah. RVs, boats, motorcycles, ATVs, anything that would just take your mind off work, I could sell the fuck out of that. Love it. And then, but I said, I said comic and I did stand up one time and immediately was like, I'm moving to New York. I'm going to be a comedian. No thought process, didn't think it through.

No backup plan. Just move to New York. Yeah. And, and then, you know, got my lunch money taken from me real quick. I mean, just, you just realize how far. away you are from a competent comic when you've done it once right and uh i got a job working in the boston comedy club at the door and six months later will smith discovered me really yeah and then what happened moved moved to l a we sold a sitcom to mbc and developed a sitcom didn't did

another showcase night a year later got another development deal got a tv show i mean i was like that's what i met joe for the first time on that tv show he was a guest on the show was doing fear factor It's called The X Show. Okay. And Gary Valentine was a good friend of Joe's, and he did it. I think he did it because of Gary. But Joe was a guest and hung out with Joe, and I was like, dude, he's a cool as fucking guy. And yeah, and then all that shit went away.

I mean, I did a lot. I did a bunch of TV shows, but I had some money. And then all the work went away. I focused on stand-up because I was like, stand-up will never go away. The TV shows go away. Yeah. Met Leanne spent all the money I had, and we started from scratch. Broke.

Where did you meet her? Well, I met her like three times. I met her one time I was taking a hike in that place. I was telling you Runyon Canyon. Yeah, yeah. It is cool when you spend a day with a person because I don't have to, it's like there's a, I've already talked to you about this place. Right.

Yeah, yeah. I met her at the base of Runyon. She was writing a script with her friend. And I was so fucking hot. And I walked in and she was such a bitch. And I love bitches. That happens to hot girls are bitches usually. Aren't they?

Yeah. They never had to work for anything. And so. And then the next, if you're a bitch and you're not hot, you better fucking, you're switching up. But. And if you're hot and nice, bitch it up. Yeah. What are you doing?

Okay. We've got that established. And so then the next, like a week later, I went to yoga with my friend and she was there. And her ex-boyfriend tried to win her back in front of the yoga class. And she dressed him down in front of. He had flowers and he was like crying. Oh. She was like, you are making a fool of yourself and of me.

I broke up with you. and the best way possible, you fucking leave. This is how dare you leverage all these people energy for you? And I really like broke him down. Oh. I said to my buddy, I go, I don't ever want to be that guy. Yeah. And I sat next to her.

And here you are. Yeah. And then we went bowling one night. I told you, I was like 186. Yeah. I looked. Shredd. Amazing.

You wouldn't recognize me. If I showed you a picture, I don't have my phone. But if you Google Skinny Burt, you'll be like, oh, my God. Really? Met her. And, uh, yeah. the rest is history. Nice.

Yeah. It's been 20 years we've married. We've been together 22, I think. And it's, yeah, I'd fucking love it. Yeah. Well, what a journey. Yeah, so basically that article launched your stand-up career.

Oh, 100%. Did you graduate? Yeah. I had to graduate through the Florida prison system. What? So this is, I mean, this is going to sound like, We were talking about this today about a time before telephones and a time before the internet. They didn't have online courses yet.

They had invented online courses. In 1997, 98, you could do correspondence classes through the state of Florida. So it's identical to the Florida prison system. You get a box of books and some tests. And you just had to read the book and take the test. And it was, I had to take six hours. It was the most tedious six hours. I've ever taken in any college.

It took me forever. And you had a timeline. When you got the books, you had like, I want to say like six months to finish it. You had like a semester to finish it, a little more. Dude, I still to this day have nightmares about Viking longships.

That was one of the classes that was on Viking long ships. And it was just like, it was like nothing. You didn't never need to learn any of this. Right. And what was your degree in? Creative writing. Okay.

Yeah. So, but yeah, the two. That's help with jokes. How's that help? I didn't realize. Were you good at it? No. I'm not a good speller.

So, and this is, you know, obviously, I was taking classes before. Spell check. No, before, like, we had computers, but no one, I didn't know how to cut and paste. Right. I didn't know how to spell check. Yeah. You just write a paper. And, I mean, they had something called a word processor.

Do you remember that? Yeah. A word processor was kind of a computer typewriter. Kind of, yeah. And, no, you'd turn in a paper to class. Like, you had a paper that you'd turn into class. I remember one time I wrote a script and I meant to write voila, but I wrote viola. Yeah, and he's close.

It was close. And they're like, it's so confusing. Why would a wind instrument come into this? I'm like, what? They're like, you brought you. And I was like, so yeah, I was not a good creative writer. I see. I've always had like an active imagination of like, especially with like telling a story of a way to punch it up to make it interesting.

Like I've always been, my whole life, I would tell a story, like, especially in high school, I went to an always Catholic high school, and there would be times when I'd sit down and they'd be like, no, no, no, no, no, hang on, hang on, hang on. That was, let Bert tell you what happened on Friday. And I'd be like, are we talking about the beer run? And I'd be like, oh! And I just knew this, I mean, like, it was like small things. Like, I remember the one joke.

And this is silly, but we were in college. We did a beer run. and the guy that worked out there came out with a knife and he was gonna fight us for doing a beer run or something and I said and then one of my buddies

is like drop the knife and fight me like a man and the guy drops the knife and I go and he threw a punch from Miami to to Portland Oregon just crap and they're like and it's like we were just dumb enough

to kind of know where Portland Oregon was right yeah and everyone was like oh and he knocked that we got and he knocked our buddy out But I was always good at like I was always good at storytelling I could always take whatever story happened over the weekend and make it like yeah Yeah, yeah What's a lot of successes have you ever bombed?

Yeah Yeah Let's hear that story Aggressibly Do you need that water on the other side, James? Here There we go I

And yeah, everyone's bombed. Everyone's had horrific bombs. Yeah. I mean, if you haven't. Does it leave you questioning your career? Oh. Just one bomb. After you've had 100 successes in one bomb and you're like, I can't do this.

Well, it's at a certain point in your career, I had a bomb recently that made me question my entire life. Really? Osama Nage. Hit me up. And he's like, yo, you want to come to a spot on my show? I was like, easy. Done, son. Let me show you what greatness looks like.

Oh, no. Undeniable. I'm undeniable. I ate a hot dick. And as I got off, he was like, hey, I got a different audience. He saw it. He saw it. He's like, it's tough.

Yeah, it's a little more, a little different than your audience. Is his comedy different than yours? His comedy is very smart and it's very multicultural and very inclusive. I'm not saying I'm not inclusive, but I make jokes. Like, I make jokes. So my new special, I make jokes about my wife. And if you don't know me, and it's not, and by the way, I think at the time I was doing it wrong. Because I, you're in front of your fan base.

So you're, you're doing the joke about your wife's, your fan base who knows your wife. They know, yeah. Yeah. And they're like, he loves her. But if you don't know me and you're like a 21 year old. Yeah. East Indian child who works at a computer tech firm. Right.

And who's like, oh my God, why did he take his shirt off? and they're like he did he just kill a beer he just murdered a beer oh my god like he's he's gonna throw up he's gonna throw up on the audience he doesn't like his wife oh my god he said his wife's old she's only 54 right which is old it's old but god why would he say that out loud it was right it went so poorly and everyone around i think tim dillon saw it i mean like everyone was like good god and i had to shoot a special i had to do the forum in two days and i was like with that on the heels of that yeah and i was like oh my god i mean the worst bomb ever Miami, Florida, I go up.

Leanne was pregnant with Ila, so this is 2006. It's summer. She's about to give birth. Now I'm going to have two kids, and I think I'm killing it. What I was doing was a replacement set. So the improvs would call up at the last minute and go, hey, $900, bucks can you get to Miami this weekend? And I go, yeah, of course.

So I go to Miami, and they double booked me with this. really talented comedian Steve Trevino. Steve is Mexican. Steve brings an opener, DJ Cooch, shout out to DJ Cooch. DJ Cooch is Mexican. And the opener's Ricky Cruz, he's Cuban. So there's an entire Latino show with one person who's supposed to close the show, me, I go last and my name just happens to sound like a hate crime.

Especially to a bunch of people who can roll their ours, Bert Kreacher. It sounds horrible. Yeah. I do the first show Thursday. no one's really there, it's fine, right? Not that bad. I kind of survive. It's cool.

Everyone does okay. First show Friday. I remember Pitbull was in the audience. And I was like, oh, cool, man. Can't wait to meet Pitbull. He's going to be my boy. He's going to see me do standup. He's going to love me.

I go up. I had a collared shirt on. This is before I was taking my shirt off. And I started bombing so hard that I started getting flop sweat. and it dripped off my nose and it landed on my navy blue shirt and it got darker and the whole room went,

oh. He's sweating. I bombed for one hour, for one hour. Just quiet? Dead silent. We had two shows. I bombed the second show just as bad. Just as bad.

Yeah. I used to, at the time, I'd take my shirt off and then put it back on and I just was like, I mean, it was like, I'd take my shirt off in silence. And then I'd slowly put it back on.

like a mail stripper, no one ordered. Just slowly putting, slowly dressing like a one-night stand. We both regretted. Oh, God. And then, and then, and then on Saturday, I said, I was like, I was lost. And Leanne showed up like Friday night. She was like, how's it going? I was like, fuck off.

And Saturday I go, that won't happen again. And I just was very candid with myself. I was like, I was like, there is a language barrier here. Like no one in this audience was speaking English Okay Like it was like it was either you were either Haitian or African American or Bayesian or Cuban or Puerto Rican or Venezuelan But no one there was no collective unconscious

With us that we all remembered the same stuff growing up Especially with me Yeah Like when when I remember Steve had a joke about chunklas And it's like a flip flop I guess I don't even know what the fuck it is But he said chancla and the place went goddamn bananas I go what the fuck's a chancla I'm not going to do well

God. Yeah. I was like, did you guys watch a real world? Like, what the hell? Yeah. So I said, I got on stage and just was like, I, real slowly I put a table on stage. I had Steve say, I go, Steve, you've got to tell them I'm okay. Like, you've got to bring me on stage and say, I'm your friend.

He's really funny. For me. Like, let them give me a chance. So Steve brought me on. And said, gave my name, like, with a little bit of Spanish swing. Oh, Christa! I bring a table on stage and three stools and a bottle. a tequila and i go all right i've been forming here for two nights and i am not doing well and i said

quite honestly i think there's a language barrier so i would like to bring translators on stage to translate my jokes i said i need a cuban guy like really cuban guy yeah and then this dude comes up and he's got like a wya vedon he sits down i go i need like the blackest black dude in here i need gold fronts i need i need a zo pound black motherfucker yeah this black dude gets up i said awesome gentlemen let's make a cocktail and the room's kind of like fun and they're like what's going on poor drink and I said all right here's our first joke I was talking to a young lady at a bar and this guy goes man I come in this guy's gonna like and the place goes bananas and and the black guy goes can't a play I get some conversation and the place goes crazy and it was like so of the moment and everything

I mean, I was like, and then it just became the three of us. I'm just doing crowdwork with these two dudes. I was like, do you know the best way to eat pussy? And the black guy would be like, no, I don't do that shit. And then the one guy goes, oh, you put your lips right next to and you go, bhr! I mean, it was so fun. Yeah. And I was like, and so I did that for four nights.

And then I started doing that every night on the road. I just, anything I did was wild and crazy because I was like, dude, I just want to kill so hard. How did you come up with that idea to have those guys up there? I was defeated. You just didn't know what else to do. It was a lifeline, throwing something out. I remember making a joke and this guy. going like this and I said what is that and he goes I'm going to beat you with a baseball bat and I was

like and I remember going you must be Dominican and no one laughed and I was like oh they're not I don't think they know what I'm saying yeah but it was like and then and then I got a reputation of the Miami improv for being the wildest guy that they'd ever had on stage because of the having the guys up there oh and then I brought gang bangers on stage I bring I brought a whole gang from a neighborhood right next to him on stage we drank tequila on I mean I would just like when I went there, I was like, the room determines the energy. Right.

And like, you can go to Omaha and you can allow the room to help you determine the energy, but in that room, it determined the energy. Yeah. It's the same as doing like an urban club. It's like,

if you're a really white guy, now it's different for me. I can just do my act. And there's a lot of similarities in our lives is that, you know, I think anyone that goes, okay,

I get what happened in your life. But then you were like, you had to, you had to, it was like a like a chi like where you had to like kind of take their energy and use it with them yeah that makes sense i mean that's a tough position to be in but it seems like the the promoter or the club manager would know i mean he's asking you come in to close he should have known right no i remember we had two gangbangers in the front row and i went to the manager

that night i said hey can you have them removed and he said they have weapons on them so i'm not this thing. And I was like, hang on, how am I supposed to deal with him? He was like, I don't know. Okay,

so you're on your own. Oh, I remember I just brought him on stage and they showed their dicks. Did they? Yeah. Okay, I guess that works.

One dude's name was Ray. I still think about that guy. He had the biggest dick. I think he was in bang bus. I'm not certain, but I think he might have been in bang bus. I love that series. I was obsessed with that series.

I was, obsessed what was uh like so you said like no cultural type uh connection but like growing up what was who is the hottest like movie star girl was like pamela underscun or like do you remember or was it remember fast times at richmond high the girl getting out of the pool the thing i think i think i realized this like when i started meeting gay people i didn't understand what it was like to be gay like i was just like i thought it was a i kind of thought it was a choice And then I remember talking to a gay dude that I worked with about the first guy he saw that turned, then you realized he was gay.

And I remembered the first girl I saw where I knew, undeniably I was straight. Yeah. It was Wonder Woman. Wonder Woman. Linda Carter. Oh, yeah. When they'd tie her up. Oh, no.

I was like, dude, I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. And I remember being probably in, I, I, I, she's black hair, kind of blue eyes. Oh, gorgeous. Kind of a weird underbite a little bit. Yeah. Like a little bit of an overbite with beautiful body.

Yeah. Overbite. Yeah. She was, underbite would be weird. I'm underwoman. Not as hot. Not as hot. No, no.

Linda Carter. And then progressively it was like the one girl from the bugaloo's. Do you remember the bugalus? It was an early morning Saturday show. No. But I was like, oh, I remember talking this dude. His name was Andrew. I was like, oh, wait.

I remember when I found out I was straight. He goes, it's the same thing. And I went, oh, that's interesting. And then I was like, wow, that's crazy that I could have been just dudes and I wouldn't have been able to stop it. Oh, that'd be rough. It would have been rough for our age. Yeah.

I mean, now kids, it's easier for kids, you know, to do, I think kids, especially in LA, kids are a lot more fluid with their gender and their sexuality. But our age, our age, you would never, it was a tough hang. Did you ever see wild things? I think it's like Denise Richardson. Yeah. One of the best kisses ever. Who was the girl with the black hair?

Neb Campbell. Oh my goodness. That was a fan favorite there, wasn't it? Dude. I was just telling someone about the other day about how hard it was to, when our generation to jerk off. And I was like, you'd have a movie that you had seen nudity in with your parents that you guys owned and you'd be like, all right, when they leave,

I go to 24 minutes into flash dance And I watch that scene Flash dance Oh my God I don't remember that Too flash dance was like Oh flash dance Oh with the leg warmers

And the leg warmers And the And then they had the scene in flash dance This is how much I jerked off to it Is when she finds out that her cousin This reminds me of a painting In a bathroom for somebody else You have to send me the video

When you talk about that you have to send me the video but go ahead yeah her her cousin or her cousin it works at the strip club she's like just a bartender or works at the dancing club but it's just a bartender yeah and then she gets a real good job working for the cheesy dudes at a strip club and she goes in and gets her out but there's so much tits flying around that i go to that poem part and flash dance and be like oh it's on uh you know who else i thought was I don't even know how a girl could get hotter was Greece. What was her name?

Olivia Newton-John. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Yeah, that, you know, the fair scene? Yeah. Yeah. Do you know the craziest thing about Olivia Newton-John? Her husband fake killed himself.

To get away from her? I don't know. No, I didn't know that. He, like, went out in a boat and was like, I died. And then they found him or something. And he was like, I guess I didn't die. God. Yeah.

Yeah, she was smoking hot. Dude, when she comes out at the end of that movie and those tight leather pants, you better wake up, because I need a man. I need a man. And that was good. I used to get depressed when I was a kid that when I'd look at hot chicks like that and go I may never get that. Right.

And then I remember the first hot chick that I got that was like that. And I remember being like, huh, I thought it would be better. Who was it? Who was a girl? The first. Like legit I mean Was it after the Rolling Stones article?

No no no no it was before The first hot chick That I was like I can't believe I got her Yeah Was your wife? Oh no the girl I lost my virginity too Oh really?

She's like the hottest girl in school How'd that work? I have no fucking clue I honestly don't know how she got I don't even remember me If you're funny If you're funny that's a big deal for girls Girls like to laugh

Yeah I don't know if you were funny at that time I was not. I was so serious. I was painfully serious. Okay. I don't know how we ended up starting dating. But I remember they're like Yoshi's end to you and she was the hottest girl.

And I was like, shut up. But that helps even after that. Yeah. Because then you've set the standard and then other girls are like, holy shit. Yeah. I had a, oh, oh, okay. I mean, the, I mean, the, my first girlfriend in probably like eighth grade. I mean, to this day, I look back and she was like, she came in from a different school.

And she was like so different looking, so hot, just blonde hair, really tan. And I remember being like, God, I remember pining for her. And then we started dating. And I was like, shut up. I think I've been like that almost with every girl I've ever dated. Yeah. Or I was like, I didn't think I could get her. Oh, yeah.

Oh, there was a chick on a TV show that I did. I did a TV show. And I remember before I got cast on the TV show, they showed the TV show and she was on it. And I was like, can you imagine dating her? Like that's got to be so awesome. And then I did. And I was like, okay, it was a lot more complicated than I thought it would be. How so?

She's nuts? No, she was awesome. She was awesome. Just like working with someone. I never heard the term, don't shit where you eat. Yeah. The first time I heard it, I was already hooking up with two girls on my TV show. Oh, okay.

And they're like, hey, just don't shit what you eat? And I go, what's that mean? And they're like, don't have sex than anyone here. I was like, okay, just hypothetically, what if I was? Right. I never had sex with her, but I remember hooking up with her. And like- I thought that was having sex.

No, I know. I'm different. Oh. I was always like, I was always very like prudish. Okay. Like I wouldn't have sex. I would have, I would hook up, get a blow job. I was cool with that.

But like sex sex, sex, I've only been with like sex, six chicks. Yeah. Because I was always like, you know, I want to make sure that, like, I'm not that good at this. I don't want you to tell people. Right. I don't know how we got on that. But it is, yeah, wild things.

Wonder Woman. Wonder Woman, our first chicks. Living in John. Yeah. I'm trying to think of any other ones back in the day. Oh. I mean, it didn't take much. It didn't take much because I was like.

Carmen Electro is pretty hot too. Remember that? Dude, I'll tell you like, when especially, I mean, you meet them in person. Yeah. And they're like way hotter than you'd think. Oh, my God. I mean, I remember meeting.

I remember meeting Christy Mack porn star on our, like, at one of our shows. And I was like, oh, my God. She's absolutely beautiful. Adrian Chechick, Adriana Chechick came and did a porn star, came and did something with Tom and I. Tom and I were both like, like, she's legit, perfect. Yeah. I mean, perfect. And you're just like, I mean, I can't believe they make people like that.

Yeah. It seems like a different species. Oh, and I've never, my, I'm, if you have to be willing to accept some things, if you're going to see my body naked. You're not going to be like, you can't be like, I'm going to hold, I hold myself to this standard. You got to be like, I'm cool. You're going to make some exceptions. You're like, I'm cool with seeing a belt intentation into his body.

No, I don't need a big dick A long one's good Yeah Yeah, not very long But also not very big around Yeah But other than that I'm really into a grower, not a shower

Well, who's the Okay, so that's the girls Who's the coolest famous guy you've met? Because I know you like celebrities, right? I love celebrities Aren't you addicted to celebrity? I'm not addicted Easy way to put it

Celebrity, I am easily impressed by celebrity I'm easily impressed by celebrity. So who's your favorite, I guess, male now? Well, I mean, honestly, like, there's two of them that I've become friends with. And I say friends loosely, but, you know, like, number one. Your best friends with them, they just don't know it. Like, if I called them, if I facetined them, they might answer. Who?

Snoop. I love Snoop. But, like, I was terrified to meet him. Yeah. Oh, my God. It's Snoop. I know. It's Snoop.

And I remember telling, I remember like practicing, meeting him to Tommy. And Tom's like, stop. He's like, stop. I was like, so I'll be like, hey,

what's up? You hear about my story by it and brother and your mother? And Tom's like, don't do this. Don't do this. He's like, I go,

but I know I can be a lot. Like, I can be a lot. Yeah. And I know that I can be a lot. And I go, I don't want to like scare him off. Right.

And Tom's like, just be yourself. And I was like, it's going to look gross. He's like, just be gross. What do you mean beer? Like, I just do things that like normal people wouldn't do.

Like you saw me around people today. I say things sometimes that are a little aggressive. And then people are like, you know, hey, have you thought about seeing maybe going to church on Sunday? Because you said some wild shit. I'm like, okay. Yeah, I get it. I say and I just was like.

But it's entertaining. It's well. In the right crowd. Some people do not are not fans. I've had a lot of people that are not fans. Yeah. And so, so like Snoop was a big one. And then we went to dinner with a group of people.

And I was like, I was talking pretty wild. And Snoop was like looking at me, like trying to figure me out. Yeah. And he just FaceTime someone. And he goes, hang on. And he turned it. And he goes, you know that guy? And he goes, yeah.

And he goes, yeah. And he goes, cool. He's like, you're cool. I was like. Yeah. Luckily he called the right person. Red Grant. Shout out to Red Grant.

Saved your ass. Yeah, saved my ass. And then Shaq was probably the one that I, that I was, I, I, I was, I, I, I, I lie, Shaq. I think he's just one of the coolest dudes. I heard so many stories about him because I grew up in Florida and he played for the magic. We knew so much about Shaq and just how kind of evolved, involved of a duty is.

Like he just is like, I like how grounded he is. I mean, his dad was in the military. He's like, he's like, says, I'm rich. My kids aren't rich. He made the shoes that were affordable. Yeah. He's got a lot of positive, a lot of attributes. Everything about him is cool.

And he's friends with Charles Barkley and they bust balls. Yeah. Like I love Shaq and I was got invited to do his podcast and I was like, and by this time I had met enough celebrities where I was like, all right, you just got to be yourself. And if they don't like you, then I, it's not a huge loss. It's just stinks. And I remember they were asking me.

They were like, said something. I go, yeah. Like I have wild theories. You know, I said some of them today. But like, I have wild theories that I just casually will say, yeah, I think that. But whatever, don't, I'm also working on a joke about it. But then there's like, and I casually said, like, I don't like showers. Like, I don't like to shower.

And then Shaq went like this. And I said, yeah, I take pool baths. And Shaq goes, I take pool baths. I said, really? And the guy that was with us was like, oh my God. Is this happening? And Shaq goes, are we becoming best friends? And I said, I think so.

And he goes, I take pool baths. And then we started breaking down all our weirdness. And real, by the end of it, he was like, we need. to do a movie together. Really? And I was like, done. And I go,

Shaq, that's all you had to say. So we got to shout out to Shaq. We're working on something right now. Yeah. But he's like the best. I mean, I called him on stage one time.

I called him on stage, FaceTime on my stage. And I'm in an arena. And I'm on the jumbo try. He was taking a shit. Oh my God. He's like, I'm taking a shit right now.

What do you need? And I was like, oh, Shaq, you're on stage. He goes, man, what's up? Shack's the best. Shack's the best.

Whoa. They don't get better than Shack. Whoa. Yeah, it's, it's, it's funny. The funniest thing to me is like, like I, is watching people meet Joe. Mm-hmm. Because now Joe's legit, like, one of the most.

Everybody knows Joe Rogan. Somehow. Everyone. Heard the name, knows something about him, knows, I've heard of them. Especially when you do it to your family. Yeah. And you introduce your family who know you really well. They know you as a regular person.

Mm-hmm. And then you introduce, like I introduced my dad to Joe. And my dad's like, he knew who he was. He knew obviously. But it's like, Joe had already moved to Austin. It was like, you know, Joe was at the top of his game, signed the big deal. Yeah. And we went to, uh, went out to Brigham's place to get stem cells.

And I brought my dad because he's got a bad knee. And, uh, Joe comes in. And Joe's Joe, you know, he's like, he's a little bit of a storm of like, hey, what's up? You know, how you doing? Shakes my dad's hand. And you can just see my dad is watching. Like he's watching. watching and then Joe and I were going to leave my parents are going somewhere else and

Joe and I are going to leave and my dad and my dad goes he's got a big fucking hand I said yeah he goes that's fucking muscle buddy that's like you can't get that just working out for a year you gotta work out your whole fucking life right he's impressed I go he's a strong guy he goes a strong guy let me tell you something he's a good friend don't ever lose him I said really and he goes he likes you he cares about you he's like you can always tell if someone's your friend or not your friend from the outside as a parent. And he goes, he's a good friend.

Don't ever lose him. I was like, don't worry, dad. Well, he won't. So Joe won over your dad basically. But Joe just, yeah. Joe just is, he's just a, Joe also is a very regular person. Then talk about like wild shit and talks about, you know, just is him. He's just him and my dad likes that.

And I think, you know, we were talking about that earlier. It's like you meet some of these celebrities and they're regular people. You know, it's like Aaron Rogers. Yeah. I fucking, I was busting his balls privately to you. I go, he pulled up in a fucking Malibu to your house. No, I know it. That makes me want to do ayahuasca so I stopped carrying what car I drive.

Yeah, he's very grounded. He's very grounded. And when I met, when I met Aaron, I mean, I had sent a text of like, hey, I'm doing the arena in Green Bay. Aaron Rogers, if you want to get dinner, it's got to be either before seven or after 10. And he just DM'd me. And he's like, are you trolling me? And I was and I called Tommy. I go, Aaron Rogers just DM me.

What am I supposed to do? Yeah. And he was like, hold on. He goes, just tell him, you're a fan. And you just wanted him come to your show. Yeah. And so I wrote back, hey man, I'm a huge fan, not trolling. I love you if you can come to my show.

I'd love to, you know, say hi. And Aaron's like, I got plans tonight, but I'll come by before. I was like, okay. I'm like, you're the quarterback. You're one of the best quarterbacks ever. Yeah. And you're just going to come by. And sure enough, man, Aaron Rogers comes over with wet hair,

knocks on our bus door, sits down like the most regular guy. There's a camera rolling, and he proceeds to tell things that honestly, like, I'm not saying he told secrets, but like talked very candidly about anything. And I was like, hey, can we turn the cameras off? This is making me uncomfortable. Yeah. And he just sat with us for a while. And then he was like, and, you know, and he was very just, I mean,

just like the most normal dude. Yeah. And then he's like, some of my linemen coming tonight, you can take care of him. And I was like, yeah. He's like, thanks, man. I appreciate it. And then he left. Yeah.

And then, you know, texted with him a couple times, I think. But his life got wild. And I was like, I'm not going to be the guy. Yeah. It's crazy because he's got two A's in his name. So he's the first name in my phone book. Oh, I see. Anytime I open my phone book, it first name is Aaron Rogers.

Yeah, he was the best when he showed up here. And then he knocked on the door. My family's like, fucking Aaron Rogers. is knocking on the front door. What you guys don't understand is that Eugene is really a small town. And so everyone kind of knows everyone a little bit. Like as we're driving by, people are waving to you in other cars. And like I am not Aaron Rogers, but I will definitely say, I feel famous in this city.

You are. And I can only imagine what it must be like to have Aaron Rogers here because, and he's so regular. Yeah, he is. I mean, I'm like, hey, you know, I know you got the Killies thing, but do you want to hike the mountain he's like yeah it's snowing he's like yeah let's do it i mean down for anything yeah freaking stud and then like i've even he had like they had a good win i think on the road and you know it's been a while since the jets have been decent they won on the road i think he's against the titans and so i just text him i said hey great job great win and text back thanks buddy i mean

NFL star yeah such a stud and just like regular person he said to me he was like uh He's like, we should hang out. And I was like, yeah. He goes, I'm in California half of the year. Yeah. He was like, I'd love to go to the beach with you and your wife and my girlfriend. And I was like, I was like, yeah, let me get a fucking smock for my wife. I was like, I'm not going to walk around with my wife with your dime chick and your body.

Me and my wife just looked like your fucking handlers. And while your chef let himself go. I told that. It was a joke. It's a joke, obviously, you know? This is why Hassan Minaj's fans didn't like me. Right. But he laughed.

And then I was like, but I just also, it's the thing we were talking about earlier about people who don't have a problem asking for things. Like, I'm not that guy. Right. So, like, in a weird way, I kind of, I don't really, I don't really burn the relationship with Aaron, but I kind of burn it because I don't reach out. I'll never reach out because I go, I don't want to bother him. Yeah.

You know, like, if he reached out to me, I'd be like blown away. I'd be like, oh, how cool, man. But, like, I don't, I just, I make a friend. And then I go, I don't want to bother you. Right. I remember, you know, but yeah, and I'd never, I would never, I would never ask Aaron Rogers for tickets. No, shit, I could never do that. I could never do that.

No, it's, I think we're about the same in that regard. Yeah, you just, I mean, you just appreciate like the experience or the friendship or the interaction just so much and you just don't want to fuck it up. Or I don't. And it seems like you're the same way. Dude, I get, I get little territorial sometimes and only because I've been around for so long. that when you like, like when you watch people ask Joe for things, and I've seen it go so fucking wrong. But I get like, I go like, why just stop?

Just either be his friend or don't be his friend. There can be no ulterior mode of every friendship with him. Yeah. And I've seen it happen to other people. I've seen that happen to a lot of celebrities where they all of sudden they're like, they don't really give a shit about you when you're not famous. And then when you're famous, they're like, oh, hey, man. I'm sorry Joe Big fan.

Or they, I mean, the one that drives me nuts is when people, you can, tell they've gotten ready for a conversation with the celebrity and they're like kind of like lining things up to like like it's very easy to do with joe when you're like someone's sitting in the green room and they're like a young comic and they're like so joe man i was you know i was researching aliens the other day and joe gets so excited he's like talk for a let me tell you let me tell you you're like fucking dick yeah just let him be himself i know i know it's uh yeah i've i've i've I've seen that and, you know, heard people like talking to him going, like, say, for example, if I was on your podcast and I'm just like, oh, dude. God, don't do this.

I have one. I have the most uncomfortable one I've ever been a part of. And this is like what, I mean, I don't know if Joe would want me to tell the story. But Joe does, one of the things I dearly admire in Joe is he does not mind confrontation. And I do. I do not like confrontation. Yeah. And I watched a conversation go down one time.

That's all I'll say. Where Joe, I've never seen, I've never seen someone end a marriage more concisely. Like the way he told this person that they were not friends was so pinpoint accurate. It was so. And I was, when he turned back to talk to me, my face was doing this. Yeah. I wish I had that ability. I had it too. I mean, it's like, I don't know what it is, but yeah, I mean, just cut to the chase and just like, boom. Oh, I can't do it. I can't do it. I've never, I've, I've, I, yeah, it's tough. It's so tough. But yeah, I definitely admire that quality because, I mean, sometimes that's what it takes. Yeah. I mean, I definitely, you know, I, I, I want to make everyone happy and I want to make, I want to take care of everyone. I want to make sure that, you know, like, so I, I, I, I overestend myself.

like crazy. But I totally shouldn't. I had a sponsor that was like wanted to ask me for Joe's number. And I'm just like, so they're not a sponsor anymore. I'm like, this isn't how this works.

No. I would never fucking give. I mean, I don't know. It's just that kind of stuff just irritates me. Just because I wouldn't even ask. You know, like I said, I've never even asked for tickets to a UFC fight from him. It's just like I would know.

I just don't. It's like he's got so many people that want shit from him. Or they're talking to you trying to find a way to weasel their way into his podcast somehow. Just like through, you know, you get people like, you know, I don't even know how they approach you. But you can, you know what they're up to. Oh. I can tell you exactly how it goes down. Yeah.

Hey, Bert, I'd love to do the podcast. I go, cool. Let's do it. I'll say, oh, my people. And they're like, great. And then I go, hey, it'll be scheduled that person. They're like, yeah, but they don't want to do Burtcast. They want to be a guest bear.

I go, okay. Okay, so my podcast isn't good enough for them. They want to be a part of my other podcast. Yeah. Which, look, I get it. If you're having a big, if you have something to promote, two bears is bigger than Burkast, I get it. Bigger than maybe something's burning.

I get it. But it is interesting. And I go, okay, cool. and then inevitably they go they always come with hey do I have Joe's regular I don't have what number I have for Joe

and I was like really and they're like yeah did he change his number and I want to go if you were his friend you know it changes every eight months right you know you always get a new text from Joe but I go I don't know man which one do you got

and then they tell and I always go oh yeah that's it he just these weird worth of prying and it's never the good number and they're like hey can you you're going down to all save time soon and I'm like oh yeah I go around once a month. If you see Joe,

you just tell them that I put it in a good word for me. And I was like, yeah. Yeah, it's a, or they'll ask how he, you know, how does he select? Or could you mention or whatever? And I'm like, no, because if he wants you on, you'll know. Yeah. I mean, do you have a reason?

What's your reason? Why would he care? He's the most curious man in the world. And if he's curious about you, you'll find out. Yeah. And if you're not, then you're, I had a publicist one time that I hired. I hired this publicist a long time ago, just so we're clear if my current publicist is listening. I had a publicist who was like, so the dot, dot, dot came out.

We're really happy about it. You know, we're really happy about it. We've got a lot of things planned. We want you to do late night. We haven't booked it yet. We want you to do late night. We want you to do good morning America. We want you to do everything.

And obviously, can you get yourself on Rogan? And I go, well, yeah, I'll call Joe. And they're like, great. Actually, can you give us his number? And I went, excuse me? Yeah. And they're like, we would love to have, because we don't have any of contact with him.

And, you know, he obviously would be a big guest for us to get our clients on. And I was like, did you just take my $6,000 a week or whatever it costs for a fucking publicist? Do you just take that money and ask me to get you the biggest podcaster in the world's info So you can book your, I was like, we're done. Yeah. We're done. And then I fired them and I just called Joe and I go, hey, can I get on your podcast? He's like, yeah.

I was like, fuck it. And then it's just. Yeah, that's a, I don't know, nothing makes me, nothing turns me off more. I don't know why. I mean, and I, you know, in some ways I get it. I get because people are thinking, if I could get on that podcast, it would change my life. I mean, I get it. I understand.

But I don't know. It's just a weird thing, I guess. Just if, if you're wondering, but wait, I want to get on the podcast, how do I do it? It's so easy. Be undeniable. Yeah, that's what it takes. I mean, that's all I've told people is like, when you're the best at whatever you do, he's probably going to get, reach out. Listen, there is a gentleman who wrote a book about the Native Americans in Oklahoma and Texas called,

something of the summer moon, who is empire. Empire, the summer. Moon. And you know what? He didn't care about getting on Rogan. He just cared about writing the best fucking book he could. Exactly. And he got on Rogan. Yeah. Yeah. It's, uh, but that's a hard path. It is. It's, it's much easier to be like, hey, could you get me hooked up with Joe to ask. God. Yeah, but, um, so any other good celebrity? So we got Snoop. We got Shaq. Yeah. Who's your, who's your other go-to favorite? I know jelly roll's got to be in there. I don't see. Jelly's the same as Joe.

I know he's extremely famous. I love Jelly Roll. I love Jelly. But I don't like, I kind of just see him. Yeah. As my buddy. Like, it's the same as Tom. I don't really see Tom as famous.

I don't see, like, I don't, what's wild is like, I don't see Tony Hawk as, as famous as he is. I, I didn't meet Tony before he was famous, but he's just such a nice, sweet guy that when he, like, when he was at my house one time and he left and my daughter. and my daughter saw him and they were like, was that fucking Tony Hawk? And I went, yeah. And they're like, you know Tony Hawk? And I was like, wait, you care that I know Tony Hawk? Yeah.

They're like, dad. But like, I think fame for me had to have happened before I was famous for me to be blown away by it. Right. Like you had to be someone like Eminem would be crazy to me. Like, that's how it works. Like, jelly, I knew jelly before he was famous. And you did?

Yeah. I've been friends with him. How? Just through the internet. I saw him on something. I thought he was dope and I hit him up. And I was like, the tattoo, the cross tattoo at that time. I couldn't even tell you.

We did a podcast a while back. I mean, he was already like on his path. He was in Nashville. And like he was there was like, I mean, there was like, you guys got to meet. You guys are the same fucking person. Everyone said, you guys got to meet. You're the same fucking person. Both you guys are identical.

And so he came over one day. And we did a podcast. We just clicked. And then we just, It's like, it's so funny because I just had someone ask me about my friendship with jelly roll and I go, I'm like, I'm actually like a, we're actually legit friends. Like we had a, you were with us at the 5K. Yeah. We had like a very heartfelt moment of, you know, of whatever stupid idea.

Like I said, I think of a lot of stupid ideas. And I say them out loud sometimes. Some of the times they work. Two bears 5K just happened to be a stupid idea that worked. That was amazing. And it was a, it sold. It was amazing. Crazy for the middle of an afternoon.

So fun. It was so fun. That energy was, I mean, in the, in the Rose Bowl, it was wild. I can't, that was one of the funnest things I've done. Oh. And then, I appreciate you guys coming out. It was so, I mean, you guys are like legends in the, in the running community to all us legit, like runners who've run races.

Yeah. And you're, and you being there and then Jelly had your shoes on. Yeah. And he was like so, and he kept looking for you. And, but that's who he is. It's like, he's a very real person. He's the best. He's like, I remember I went to, I went to the Opry to watch him play because I hadn't

seen him play. So like, working for, looking for dates and one would work. And it was like in November, I think last year. And he's like, I said, well, you're playing at the Opry. I looked at the schedule. And I said, I could come there. And he's like, well, it's not really like one of my shows. But yeah.

You know, like his stadium show. Yeah. or whatever, big show. So I went and it's like the next day, he's like, hey, we're going to go and you want to get lunch before you fly out. He goes, because I got your book. I want you to sign it. And so he brought my, you know, endure for me to sign.

He's like, yeah, I'm going to put this in up with my gold records at his house or whatever. And he's like, this means. And I'm like, what a fucking, I mean, just a pure soul. He's such a good guy. He's, I mean, I don't you know I really wish I'm I'm very seldomly at a loss of words but the guy like him You know I've said this before but it's me him Leanne and bunny aren't supposed to be the couple that looks to good together on paper we're so we're all from such different parts yeah but for whatever reason

Me and him are almost the exact same person very different walks of life very different opportunities given to us but wherever we landed at we're very very similar person and bunny and leann but i think they probably had similar similar trauma growing up in life but bunny and leann are wildly close really we were just texting the four of us are in a chat thread and we were just texting yesterday about i was just texting them you know how people feel about them because i'm we were in nashville and people were talking yeah people were casually not knowing that i'm friends of them just talking about them right and i was like yo you guys got to know you got love all over here making an impact i love jelly man and we're just very similar dudes i think we have the same

thing where we feel very lucky to be where we are i think we're for some of those people that under promise over deliver you know and i think like we're just like every day is like a gift and he's always shown up for any time i had a big show i mean he's shown up for me he's shown up for me more than i've shown up for him that's for certain really oh yeah he yeah i mean he's you know it's Yeah, it's crazy. He's just the best. I love him to death. It's crazy that I'm really never lost words.

But for whatever for the reason, Jelly is just one of those guys. And he's inspiring to me because what he's doing with his weight loss is like, I've been overweight. I know how hard it is to focus on the road. Yeah. We were talking about the other day when all the good things are happening to you and you got the new special and the movie and the arena tour and a world tour

and you're doing Australia and you're doing Europe. And all these opportunities are coming to you, you want to celebrate and you just want to get after it. For me, it's booze and food. And it's hard to put guardrails on. Yeah. And my life got away from me. And when things started happening for jelly,

I think he probably, I know he saw me at my fattest. And he was like, yo, I got another 50 years of great life to live. And I need to earn those 50 years. Yeah. And I'm so happy. happy for him that he's that he's the things he says are real things I watch the videos he's really moving every day he's in those arenas and buddy I used to do that too when you'd walk those arenas I'd walk up and down those steps every morning cup of coffee walk around the

arena jog and circles around the arenas it's and I and I know that he's like really focused on on longevity and I'm just so happy for him yeah he does a cold plunge every day he does the cold plunge yeah he's just I know it's you know what What struck me the most is we did that. We went to Oregon State Penitentiary. And it was his day off. He just started this 51 city tour, played Portland the night before, killed it, had a day off before we went to California. It's like we set up this prison visit.

And so he went there, put on the show, hadn't had live music there in 20 years. And then afterwards, I was like, hey, I said, they need to know how long you can like meet inmates or signed stuff and uh you know i know you got to get fly out of here and he's like we're going to talk to every inmate i mean there's hundreds he goes so however long it takes i'm like in between this tour that just is just his third stop was portland just started this huge whatever tour exhausting i would imagine to perform 51 times and he's willing to spend however hours meeting these inmates. If you don't know anything about them, if you just know that, that's all you need to know.

That's the type of person he is. That is the guy. That is the guy who looks in the rear of the mirror and goes, that could have been me. Yeah. He is, he is grateful for his experience. He is grateful for the people around him. He's grateful for the gifts he can give to people. He's just grateful.

That guy wakes up, you know, he wakes up. in gratitude. Yeah. And that's, I mean, like, I think that's why we get along so well. It's like we're both just going like, can you fucking believe this? Yeah. Yeah. We did Bridgestone when I did Bridgestone.

That's in Nashville, right? It's not, yes. Where the, I think it's where the predators play. Yeah. But it's like, you know, it doesn't get bigger than Bridgestone in Nashville. I'm sure it does. I take that back. It totally does.

It totally does. And Jelly asked me, he goes, hey, man, one time he goes casually. He goes, hey, would you bring me on stage tonight? And I was like, I wish I could, buddy. I got to show it to Zanis. I'm kind of getting ready for my new hour. I want to run it one time. He's like, oh, that stinks.

I would love to have had you there. I said, yeah, where are you performed for me? And he goes, Titan Stadium. And I went, I go, open with that. I can move my schedule around. Jesus Christ, Jelly, you told me a fucking Titan Stadium. Yeah, yeah. But when I did Bridgestone, he came, he came backstage.

And, you know, he comes, we had, I think we had lunch that afternoon. And then he comes backstage. And I was dressed up. And he was just so proud of me. He's like, you look great, man. And then he came on stage with me that night. Yeah, I love that guy. Yeah.

I fucking love that guy. How, uh, how does it feel to, to make, to, to, to be who you are, be where you are in life? It, what doesn't feel real or what? Or are you used to it now? It doesn't feel real. I don't think. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't think, uh, because you mentioned all these people you know and all these connections and like, you know, all this, this opportunity. And, you know, the people talk about imposter syndrome or whatever that is. But it's like, I know to me, as I explained earlier to you, it doesn't feel like I deserve to not have a regular job. You know what I mean? Like people like me, I say they need to work. How do you feel about it? I feel the exact same way.

I feel like I'm saying it to you. I was like, I feel like my career's over. They're going to, I'm done. No one's going to remember me in a year. I'm like, who, how arrogant am I to think I could take a year off from standup? How arrogant. I'm not better than like, but it also comes from my dad had that mentality of eat shit, checks.

And that was the way he looked at life. And he was like, dude, you're lucky to have a fucking job. People dig ditches for a living. Yeah. And so, but in the entertainment business, there is a value to scarcity. And there is a value to not over exposing yourself. Right. And I think I was so shocked that any of this happened to me that I was like, bro, burn it

at both ends. Right. I used to say a phrase. I'm gonna I'm gonna eat this cow's hoofs ass and horns. I'm gonna eat the whole fucking thing well you can yeah and make hay while the sun shines and I just was like dude You can't put enough on my plate. I'll do it all but I don't I mean I think ultimately I just I'm shocked I definitely deal with imposter syndrome but I'm shocked that I'm shocked that anyone wants to talk to me on a podcast ever I'm shocked that anyone wants to hear me on stage. I'm shocked that people know me I'm always shocked that people

like me. Did you see the kid at the coffee shop today? He locked up, dude. Yeah. For a while. Yeah, it was like he had a stroke. He went, and then I was,

because I was like looking, I'm like, what, what is going on? Yeah. Then he's like, are you Burt Kreischer? Or is that Burt Kreischer?

It's like, whatever it was, but yeah, you definitely have, I mean, you're a star. I don't know about star. You're a star.

I mean, when people are locked, up looking at you. You're, I mean, you're a star, dude. I'll tell you what

doesn't suck is when people say, and this, you get this like, you say you get recognized 10 times, and maybe you'll get it twice, is, uh, people just go,

hey man, you really helped me through a tough time. And then you'll be like, and I, you end up dialing into that person. Like, for real? Yeah.

And they're like, man, I'm the, man, the pandemic was bad for me. And, uh, I said this.

I had this bit that I was working on stage about who in here wakes up liking themselves. And like half the room raised their hands. I was like, really? And I was like, you don't just wake up going, you piece of shit. You probably had a stroke last night, seating a smile. And I started doing this bit about how punitive I can be with myself. Yeah. Because I think my punitiveness is what motivates me.

You didn't fucking deserve that today. Get out of bed. Get in the gym. You fat fucking. You got drunk last night on the plane You're gonna tell everyone you didn't have a martini at that during but you did have a martini I did tell you I got a martini Yeah, but I was like I was like oh you got your vapead next your bed Oh you piece of shit get the fuck and I was trying to do a bit out of it was in Vegas it was recently

And and I and I and I and it's it okay and but I got this very long text from this guy He was like amen I was at your Vegas show. It was awesome. I just want to tell you you that that bit you have you're off he was like you should feel great about yourself and this is why and he wrote me a paragraph that leanne read to me and at the end i was bawling crying and i'm an easy crier i grow a lot now that i'm 50 i don't know yeah what the fuck happened to me i can cry on the drop of a hat but and he was like you know my daughter was having a hard time during the pandemic and you your special was the only thing that bring her joy and we watched the cabin together and we started deep diving you and everything.

And if we're ever in a bad place, and even, you know, it was like a paragraph, like a long page. And then I'm like, that's when you go, oh yeah, this is like, this comedy can totally help people get out of places. It's helped me get out of places. Yeah.

You know? And especially podcast, dude. And I told you, when we were talking about this at breakfast and I was like, you know, sometimes I wonder as a comic, if I post myself in the gym, and this performative.

What am I doing this for? Right. And then you're like, well, I wanted that too. And I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no. You don't understand what you do for me. Like I get in, I'm laying in bed feeling like a piece of shit going like, oh, way to go. You wanted blue cheese stuffed olives last night.

You threw them up in your throat while you slept. Time to get on the treadmill. And I'll pull you up and I'll see you running 12 miles on a lunch break or I'll see you running up to the top of that mountain. Or I'll see you doing stuff. And I'd do that with you, with Jocko, with David Goggins, with Joe, with, with, with, with with um i do it with i do it with uh Nate Florence I do with Kea Rothman I do it with coer Rothman I do with all these guys that are just inspirational for me that's the purpose you serve whether or not you love what your purpose is for but you inspire people to to get out

of bed and do something because so many people aren't and then you go okay so then compartmentalize that there's a need to post I get it but maybe the thing I need to do online and I'm trying to figure out by pushing, pulling back a little bit online. Is I just got to like remind people that I got to put them in a good mood. My job is to make them laugh. Well, your laugh is infectious. I mean, when you laugh, it's like the whole room wants to laugh. So I mean, whatever you have about that, that, that, you know, Jelly has this pure spirit.

You have this like laughing spirit that just makes people feel good, I think, when you laugh. Dude, we had the hardest laugh with Jelly. Yeah. me big j oaksin dan soter davidtel mark norman i think i think jim norton may i forget it was a wild group of people we were under a tent and jellie was saying how he just found mitch headberg and like how great he is oh just found his comedy yeah yeah yeah and david tell's like buddy i got some bad news for you yeah and to watch jelly within an hour realize this guy that he thinks was brilliant is dead and we were all so high We could not stop laughing

I mean we were crying But yeah There's nothing better than a great laugh Like my dad's laughs Like the best laugh Because you gotta earn it My dad's not an easy laugher And when you get my dad laughing

Yeah Oh it looks like a stroke Yeah Like you just And then it turns into this What's crazy I wonder if you've experienced this So Georgia has my laugh

I have my grandmother, my nana's laugh. Okay. And so there's a video that Leanne has of me and my nana laughing at something together. When we were talking, I did a podcast. I did a podcast with my nana, you can find it. Yeah. And nana, and in the podcast I said, so nana, where was our family from in Ireland? She's like 93 at the time.

She goes, you know, I'm not even sure we're Irish. And my cousins start going, hold on. We have like Irish tattoos. Yeah. And we start laughing. And Leanne hit pause on it. She goes, you and your nana have the exact same. laugh and Georgia has my laugh. I have my day. It's like crazy. The snorting. Oh, snorting is because

my sleep apnea. I started snorting recently when I got really fat, snorts showed up and I was like yeah. Yeah. Well, I noticed like watching you laugh today makes everybody else laugh. So I mean, that's the I don't know if it's contagious or if it's just infectious, but yeah, whatever you got, keep it up. The thing I got today was, which was really cool. And I don't know if you caught it much. and you'll catch it on camera, it maybe was a shit-eating grin, like an ear-to-ear smile. First of all,

it was the most beautiful day in one of the most authentically beautiful states in the country. And we're not in Portland. We're just outside. We're near Salem. We're in Eugene.

This is like undeniably gorgeous country. It's perfect weather. Everyone was nice. Everyone we met on that height, said hi everyone's energy was positive yeah and we were saying like this is therapy this is therapy and then i got to do something i've always wanted to do is is shoot a compound bow which i've done before but never like never like had a real bow to shoot right and it was like everyone was generous and i'm meeting like wains like one of the sweetest guys who all of a sudden just like testifies to you

and like i don't know he reads your energy and he goes let me tell you my favorite verse in the bible and you're like, and I, and he doesn't know that I love that shit. Really? I love when people share faith with me. I love it so much because it means, they trust you. Yeah. It's like when, like, when people trust you, it's like, it's like the coolest feeling. And, uh, and he did that.

And then we go out to his place to shoot the balloons and it's gorgeous. I told you, we're just looking at for land in Nashville. And then I go to the place. I go, this is what I want. Yeah. This is exactly what I want. It's perfect, isn't it? Oh, and then we come back and we lift weights,

and then you tell me I was strong. And at one point, I'm sitting there, and I'm just going like, is there a camera? Am I getting pumped? No. They're going to tell me I have AIDS. What's going on? It was a beautiful day.

And then saw some abs out there. Remember that? Speaking of shooting, this is, look at this. Look at this bad boy. That is the shit. And that matches your knife, dude. Oh my God. Oh my God. Look at that.

I'm going to put this on my belt. Yeah, that's how you do it. I can't wait to carry this onto the plane and be like, guys, I'm a bow hunter. Right. So I don't know if you know that, but yeah, that's a sick bow too. I mean, you shot it so well. This is top of the line Hoyt right here. It's beautiful.

Yeah. It's nerve-wracking a little bit because as they, and this is just like, bow-hunter inside talk. So if you're a bow-hunter, you're going to be like, the guy knows what he's talking about. Yeah. But what's nerve-wracking is there's, it is way more complex than it looks like. Mm-hmm.

Your hand has to be held a certain way, your left hand with your holding the bow. Yeah. You pull back to a certain place on your cheek where you have to look one thing to another thing. This is all just to see if you shoot the bow straight. But then Wayne's like, so I'm going to dial it in for you. And it's a lot like getting fitted for golf clubs. We were like, well, hold on. I don't, maybe I don't always shoot like this.

Yeah. And then, but then what's crazy. is they dial you in and all of a sudden you're looking like a pro you're like what am I what would you my grouping and all and they're like the X yeah and the X and I was like and I was and for a second just like any hack out there with golf clubs that get some great PXGs dialed in for you you start thinking you're actually good you did do good for your first day I was like I was like the best part of all of today my favorite part and this is not on camera.

This is just now going to be Burkreiser folklore that you, Joe Rogan, if you're listening, you'll hear maybe a hundred times for me is when they were like, yeah, we put you at 48 pounds.

And I was like, cool. And they're like, do they make them? Is it like hard to do? What do you do? And you said 80 pounds. And I said,

are those hard? And you're like, yeah, they're pretty hard. Yeah. And you guys, do you want to try, pull one back?

And I was like, sure. I thought it was going to be like halfway, like, ah, and what happened? I pulled back 80 pound bow. You did.

And you shot it. It was the look of like the nerd who has the big dick who walks into the locker room. It's kind of at a curve. And all the guys go, whoa, you have a piece on you. Yeah. You and Wayne were like, whoa. Yeah. And then you guys respectfully, they were like, well, we should, you know, pull your bow up a little bit.

Yeah. We didn't know you had a horse dick. I can't wait, man. I'm going to put all those little rubber animals all over my backyard. And I'm going to hunt them from different places in my house. That's how you do it. for the apocalypse that's how you do it do so what's this called that's called the hold on that's called the cam yep i'm the hint what's this called that's uh god damn and i i just learned this on

chat chb t uh i the hinge limb limb limb what's this called that's the frame riser the riser the riser the riser the riser that's this uh that's the thing that's the thing that puts the bow like this right the arrow the arrow so that'd be the arrow rest Arrowrest. Scope. Sight. God damn it. I have a lot of learning.

This is a peep site here. This is a D loop. D loop. And I know that when you insert an arrow, you got to make sure to line up the cock fin. Cock vein. Cock vein. God damn. Yeah.

No, but a lot to learn today. A lot to learn. You did great. I mean, with all that, you hit that X multiple times. Then you went out and we're shooting at the balloon at, you know, pretty good distance for a first time archer, you were like nailing the, like, three in a row. Oh. That might be my favorite.

You never miss the elk, in fact. I did not miss the elf. I injured it. I made it upset a couple times. What we say is you hit foam. I hit foam. So that's like that target is foam. The 3D target is what we call them.

And you hit foam every time, which means no airballs. God. That, uh, it, the best is shooting at the balloon because you release. and you wait and I can only imagine what it's like when you're on an animal and you pull back and you're out of breath you're sweating and you have in your sights and when your sight is kind of like i mean it's like there's so much to it it's so much more complex than it looks online when i've seen so much of what you guys do online and you're waiting for the sway of your bow to slow and then you release and you know you released right when you were on the target

but you wonder did I move my hand too much? Right. Am I? And then you're staying still. And for me, it was just the balloon pop. I can only imagine what it's like when you hear, wh-hmm. Well, you hear a thwack.

That arrow hits. Yeah. And like, so like hunting one of these. So this is a brown bear. Oh my God. Look at that skull. That was nine foot six inches. It's a good size bear.

That's a really good size bear. So when you hit. this with an arrow, it's a special feeling. Or one of these, but you're going to get there. I mean, everybody started, well, okay, so I started just like you did today, not near as good, just to be honest. Well, what do you mean? I didn't, when I first started shooting, I couldn't shoot like you.

Yeah, but the equipment was completely different. Yeah, but I'm just saying that nobody's born a great archer. Yeah, I agree. That takes practice. So nobody comes out and they're just like, Oh, this is so easy. But you made a look about as easy as it can look for somebody. You did, you shot, I'm telling you better than I shot for the first time.

Oh, now you get, now you get into my feelings and I'm like, so when do we get this bear? Yeah, exactly. You know, I'm just going to put a bear in the, I have one way, but porosos bear. Yeah. I'm just going to foam out its heart. Yeah. And then practice on a bear in my backyard. I'll practice far so that when we get like 20 feet from it.

Yeah. Is that how close you get? well that'd be good but 20 yards 20 yards yeah like that's what she shot at the bow rack so if you get a bear right there you know how you were hitting that x a few times yeah i mean if you can get an animal that close with if you do everything you're supposed to wow wow that just got very real for me because i can't imagine it just all the sudden the bear's like all right let me stay in the position you're ready for and then i'm like all right hold on i'm swaying a little bit yeah they don't really wait for you but like like These bows, you know, they're so efficient. If you hit a bear at 20 yards, that arrow barely slows down going through it. And at 20 yards with the right setup with the arrow that's tuned perfectly, will go blow through the bear and be 10 yards on the other side of it. Really?

Blow it through his chest. Not even, you know how in the movies the arrow will go in like halfway and stop? Yeah. Or even like Walking Dead, it'll stick in their rotten head. No. An arrow from a tune bow at 62 pounds, which is what this is at now, will not even stop through a bear.

Wow. I can only imagine all the emotions that I've never felt running through my body. Yeah, it's incredible. I just got to kill a bear. Yeah. It's good branding. It is for the two bears.

My two bears vodka, porosos vodka. Two bears 5K. Yeah, two bears 5K. I'm a very big in the bear community. Yeah, yeah. Gay, Harryman love me. I didn't even know that was like a reference to gay guys till not even that long ago.

Oh, dude, I have a gay guy who DMs me every now and then and I read them to my wife and I go, it makes me feel so good about myself. Shout out to the guy. I know he's not going to hear this. I'm sure he doesn't listen to Hunting Podcasts. But he stopped on the road. And one time I was walking and he goes,

I know you, but I don't know you. I know you're famous, but I don't know why. Yeah. And I just got to tell you, I'm huge in the bear community and you are adorable. And I was like, oh, thanks. And he made me feel, he goes, me and my partner just think you are so cute. And I was like, dude. And then we started like DMing me.

And then he hit me a picture of Sean Patton, who's a great comedian, who's a bear also. And he's like, who is this love boat? And I was like, Sean Patton. And then the other day, I posted a picture of me in the gym. It was the day I jogged. I felt really good two days ago. And he wrote, he wrote back just a fire emoji. And I went, nice.

Kids still got it. By the way, a woman DM me when I was in Nashville, a woman DM me. And she was like, you look amazing. I'm in Nashville. And then I was like, ugh, get away from me. Let's hook up. I was like, more gay men. Make me feel good about myself.

What if it was Denise Richardson? By the way, I sat an extra on a plane one time. Yeah. She still got it. Really? Recently? No, it's been a while. It's before a pandemic.

Yeah. But she was hot as shit. I bet. Still got it. Still got it. I mean, Pamela Anderson. I mean, if she puts on makeup, she's been doing like the no makeup thing. Yeah.

Which, that's fine. It's fine. It's fine. For 60 or whatever the hell she is? Is she 60? I think. I don't know. There's a couple of those that I'd have to be like, listen, honey.

At a certain age, you should be able to cheat on your wife at a certain age. Listen, she was 72. Yeah, that shouldn't count. Yeah. No, that shouldn't count at all. Susan Sarandon, I'm in it. Well, Bert, it's been a great day. You got a brand new bow.

You got a brand new knife. I am so dialed in. You got so much, you got hoodies and hats from the bow rack. I'm so pumped. Yeah. I am so pumped. This has been such a great day. And all I'll say is everything you do, everything about this is amazing.

It really is. And I told you, I was texting me, Joe. I was like, I have so much anxiety about tomorrow. Yeah. It's like, it's just all of it. And I'm so glad it happened this way. Oh, I love it. I cannot wait to drink a beer with my wife and my daughter and break down my day. Yeah. Well, I'm glad you had a good time. This means a lot to me. No, it means more to me, man. Thank you so much. Oh, thank you, brother. And it's, uh, it's been great. I'll remember this day forever, but I hope you do too. And I can't wait till we can go want to hunt. Say less. All right, guys, keep hammering.