Can You Don't? | Turkey Hunt. Too Fat. Zillow Porn. Vomit.
00:01 Turkey hunt. Too Fat. Zilloporn. Vomit. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, fuck. I know what in these now. Is that a brand new banger? Yeah, just made it. Hi, everybody. That's sick, dude. Thank you.
00:49 Welcome to episode 226 of the fucking K&UD podcast. J26. Is any special about that? Nope. Nope. That Pantera Post went well. No. Ended up having to delete it because Brian's family was being threatened with violence.
01:11 Yeah. Yeah, I was getting pretty graphic. Oh, internet. Oh, man. And just like, I can't help but love just the, it's not irony. But the opposite of you, like, cutting that. video, taking out all the stuff about me talking about what I was talking about, and then your family's the one that gets the violence. That's pretty funny. Yeah. The whole, the entire segment
01:40 was, I was just playing along. Yeah. It was all Joe. Yeah, it was all me. Yeah. Well, anyway, so we had to delete it because, uh, taking screenshots of Brian's kids and saying that, uh, green light on site. Yeah. He's going to kill your fucking family. It was just getting a little bit I would have loved to keep the post going and having fun with it but it was just like ugh
02:03 well anyway just ridiculous send in your content suggestions including stuff for petty beef to hey guys and can you don't podcast.com that also includes
02:17 the worst thing that's ever happened to you because next week we are going to premiere the new segment new segment It's a brand new super sick. Hey, this week will you slap your computer a little bit? No, down here? Mm-hmm.
02:31 There you go. I get it? There you go. Fuck, yeah. Thanks, dude. So keep sending those in because we're going to be taking them the last week of people sending stuff in. I kind of regretting this segment now. No, no, no, no.
02:48 Don't, don't. Don't worry about it. I, we're guess sometimes there won't be something funny to say. Yeah, we've read some duzies. But there's just a chance to share with the world the worst thing that's happened to you. And I think it's a nice little reflection, right? Because things happen in your life and you're like, oh, man. And then you can read some other bullshit and you're like, I'm all right.
03:14 And that's the goal. And that's what we're going to do. So if there's not something funny, you know what? Never mind. I was about to complain, but you know what? I'm like, you know what? Yeah, no, my dad just died. right when you read some of these you're like that's the worst thing when all
03:30 it's all said and done maybe that wasn't so bad like I love him but I love them but in the bigger picture I'm fine well be all right so send all the stuff in to hey guys at can you know podcast dot com of course we're working our way through the honkathon and remember by submitting that yeah you are allowing us to read about it to read it and try to make it funny yeah sometimes I'm just going to be hard. Yeah. If I really let go, I'm pretty sure I can make anything funny. Yeah.
04:04 Even the worst of the worst. Even if there's internal, like, well, you shouldn't say that. I shouldn't be here. I should, like, that would you rather from a month ago. Yeah. That people are still mad about. Listen. I should be anywhere else but doing this.
04:18 We're doing this, and I'm going to do it. Because what do I have to lose? Oh, yeah. By the way, you guys forgot it's silly hat day again. Oh, yeah. So I'm wearing silly hats. I think that's just your look now. That's not even silly hat.
04:29 That's just Joe. This is how I go about my life. Can you imagine? You head into work in the morning. We're in that hat. Yeah. Hey, top of the morning, fellas. Let's read the Spokane News here with this hat.
04:42 Are we going to talk about your three cent felt hat? Not today, but we'll talk about it tomorrow. Maybe another time. Coming up in another episode. I'll wear it every day. Is that technically a fedora? It's a fedora adjacent Yeah, okay
04:57 Jason It's something It's something It's a problem I wish the feather was more I was just gonna say Before you put that on I thought your hair looked good
05:06 Thanks I guess put it on for funsies Yeah but I think your hair looks Fine I know It wasn't about my hair Oh okay It wasn't about my hair
05:15 Oh What the fuck is happening with you Are you trying to create insecurities I don't have No you talked about it I make fun of my hair All the time And that's why I'm saying
05:24 your, I thought your hair looked good. I wasn't, this is the worst. Awkward. I didn't put on the three cent felt hat because I was worried about my hair. Well, most guys are age, are wearing hats
05:36 because they're worried about their hair. Oh, that's not happening right now. So next on the list is we're going to go shoot some goddamn machine guns with shoot North Idaho. Yeah. Yep. I think right now we're, what,
05:48 10, 15 away? So head on over to patreon.com slash can you don't podcast. you can check out everything that we'll be shooting at shootnorth.com keep on reaching out and talking to Cody he's fucking pumped dude he wants it we want to get out there let's get this out of the way
06:05 we're shooting a bunch of crazy ass guns I haven't talked to him about the flamethrower I'm still building up the confidence although he listens to the show so he knows I'm just being a pussy flamethrower he's just waiting for that close he's like just fucking ask me yeah don't be a bitch oh I did not mention
06:20 we do have the name the official name of the new segment. It's going to be fuck me therapy. Which I love. Just fuck me. Therapy. Great little intro. Yeah, so share your dumb shit. Also, we haven't done this in a while, but we do have some new
06:37 merch. Another item was just added. And we're going to have a Halloween sale. Boom. Oh, I get it. That's funny. So it's starting from October 14th. So if you get this early, because you support us on Patreon, just wait a little bit. And it's going to run from the 14th until
06:53 midnight on Halloween and you can save 25% off everything in the store at can you don't podcast.com. Just use the code just cremation 26. All caps. No cap, bro. No caps. Just cremation. Just cremation 26. This is the shirt that we add it. It's what it's, but it has it the clown. Yeah. Because that's funny. Looking very creepy and cremone. Yeah. It's. It's It's what it's. But you get it because it's it's it's it's it's it's. Oh, I get it. Not a fucking idiot, Joe.
07:30 I know that, but sometimes I look at you and I'm like, is he? Oh, shit, rise. For the golden geese. Matthew Leonard. Jason Kloisor. The sofa king. Jennifer Gatlinger. Todd is thronged.
07:46 Austin. Stephen Gell. Jordan Holliday. Daniel Akai. He? M3 Neil Jafferty That's our golden geese
07:59 That top tier Whenever a spot opens up There it is We're having fun We're having fun of here We're having fun All right Whenever a spot opens up
08:14 You can join them But 100 bucks a month It's a huge support You guys get a custom Thank you video And of course your name mentioned In every episode That you're part of the golden geese
08:22 Can't beat him Might as well join them That's what the Meda used always said All right, let's fucking do the thing. Zach, push it. Please. Shut up. Start the show already.
08:34 Uh, that's good. I did it. I did it. What'd you do? Fucking Seth. Here we go. I'm seeing if we can start every episode. Or something that might lose listeners.
08:50 Just kidding. This one's not that bad. Would you rather... Thanks, Seth. Love you. Would you rather have to suck the... the snot up with your mouth and swallow it every time your kid gets sick. You can see it.
09:07 You can live through it. You can see your dumb kid's face right now. And when they're eating their own snot, that stage, they're just taking their finger and sliding it from their nose straight into their mouth. And then when they, they don't even have to do the finger thing. Oh, God. You can feel it. I got the, I just got it.
09:24 It went through my body. It was like a wave. And it has that whatever shade of grief. it is, I can see it. Can you though? Yes, I can see it. Is green one of your colors? Green's one of the ones I don't see. Whatever shade that is, that light white, mucasy green. Like from the Naznex commercials?
09:45 Naysanax. Antonio Bennett. So suck it up, swallow it every time you're kidding. With your mouth. So right off of their, by the way, this is called. Do you guys know what this is called? You guys know that we all have that little dip on our lip? Do you know what that's called on your upper lip?
10:01 I don't remember what it is. Have I told you? I think we've talked about it. Filter them. Yeah. Because it filters. It's not right into your fucking mouth. You just kind of filter them right in your mouth.
10:10 Right in your mouth. So you have to go and you slurped it. God, dude. Yep. Fuck you, Seth. I can. Or let every homeless person you see jack off in your car as you drive them around until they finish. Oh, there'd be a lot around here.
10:31 So how's your day? Oh, God. Go ahead and get started anytime you're ready. Whenever you're ready. I'm going. And the smell. If you can just get in the backseat, that'd be great. No, you got to drive.
10:43 No, that's them in the backseat. Oh, that's still not great. It's better than the passenger seat. Come on. I don't know. I don't know if I want. Potato, tomato. Tomato fucking come seat.
10:54 I don't know if I, I don't know if what's worse. Potato comes seat. Being able to keep your eye on them right next to you or feeling like he's looking over here. You know, like. Yeah. behind you just kind of squirt from the back how's it going for talking
11:05 I'm never going to come if you keep asking you're almost done back there you know I'm not no I'm limp no you're limp because you're because of the fentanyl you're limp because you were limp when I saw you your whole body was bent over I knew this was going to take hours
11:22 oh my god you guys Brian maybe not Zach I'm sure you have you guys ever heard of Coke dick Coke dick you get too much cocaine and you can't get hard. Yeah.
11:34 Because your blood's going everywhere, but your penis. It's just trying to keep you alive. Like this is a hell of a party drug? Come on. And your dick's like, we're not. I'm not here. No, not tonight. Don't worry about me.
11:47 Now, you just focus on your buddy. I'm going to take the night off. Yeah, I'm just going to lay down. Looks like you're having fun. Yeah, have fun. It looks like you're having fun, but I'm not here. I'm not working overtime. Hope this isn't embarrassing for you.
12:02 Not too far. Okay. Hmm. I, so I can't. But I have to understand. Well, there's a couple things to think about here. My drive, you guys know that I always give the fun little updates at that one beautiful corner. And beautiful downtown Spokane, Washington.
12:24 The 7-Eleven. It's just a problem. I drove by this morning. There's two ambulances there, so things are going well. Less of a problem. So things are going great. Yeah. At that 7.11.
12:36 Two less problems? No. They got a free ride somewhere and then came back. I saw our city council was blaming that 7-Eleven for all of the issues downtown. What a scapegove that was. That was great. They're like, you guys are making them. It's like, no, you're just open.
12:53 If you're open and don't care, I'm going to find you. Like, I'm awake. Are you? Yep. That's what every homeless person is thinking. Oh my God, what a nice lit parking lot I used to go to that 7-11 Same, not anymore
13:07 I mean I used to be like Because I worked down in that area And so like I want to I want to get a pop You know like a big old fat A little Soda Poppinski And I would walk into that place
13:26 Is that who sucked Bill Clinton's dick No Close No Soda Poppinski was from Tyson, like Tyson Punch out.
13:34 Oh, yeah. That was Monica Lewinsky. Back to you. I'm pretty sure that's the sound he made. It sounds accurate. But I remember like, and it was,
13:45 it was still bad. Like, you'd pull in there. And, but there was that hiss going. They put the high pitch sound. There was a high pitch whistle. They tried,
13:53 it's supposed to drive you away. And I remember I'd get out of the car and be like, going to get a pop. And it's like, oh, fuck. That's irritating. And I look over and there,
14:01 There's people just chilling and hanging out. There's somebody dancing to it. I'm like, how a fucking brand new bang. How are you just standing here? I'm so, I mean, it's like, let me say if I can do it. Oh, wait. Oh, that's pretty good. Yeah, that's enough.
14:21 Okay. But like super loud and high pitch. And like what makes your hair stand up. Kind of like, oh, fuck that's high pitch type of thing. And they're just hanging out. Yep. From the maker of the day. deer whistle comes comes homeless whistle homeless whistle
14:38 super wiss so let me go back to the thing it's everyone you see no or every let every homeless person you see yeah every every homeless you can't I couldn't go down town it can close your eyes and then you you have a self-driving Tesla that's true oh ha but the camera watches they probably know it'd be like hey your eyes are open homeless jerk pull over jerking Homeless. Engaged. Jerking homeless person, car seat. I mean, that you couldn't like...
15:12 I couldn't do it. I would lose my job. So where are we going with all this? Was that I would drive downtown. And if I didn't close my eyes, which I'm going to hit them. I'm going to hit somebody. But if I closed them and tried to get through that stretch without seeing a homeless person, if I happened to see one, I would have to pick them up and drive around until they jerk off.
15:32 Then I'm late to work. and I have to explain that like, sorry, I saw another homeless person, I had to drive him around until he came. That's a hard one to explain. Sorry, I missed the first segment because the homeless guy wouldn't come already. Sorry, I'm late, but the homeless guy had Coke dick. The drive up north is not going to make it so you see one. You're going to see. All of them.
15:51 Yeah. Sorry I'm late. That's a weekend type procedure. The homeless guy that I was driving around had Coke dick and it took him forever. And he's like, I understand. Like the most forgiving boss of all time. Happened to me too. I get it
16:03 I just do the best I gave my stuff Blue Balls last night I was so high I missed a live news segment I missed Sorry I'm late An hour late
16:12 For the morning show That I host I was driving around Three homeless people That were jerking off In my car But one of them had Coke Dick so it took a while
16:20 Also sorry I'm sticky So you're gonna get fired And then if I don't ever Have to go to Spokane You're not gonna I'm not gonna see a lot of homeless people In Kortaland Yeah
16:30 Maybe one You see won every fortnight maybe every once in a while having to driver
16:38 I mean you're hold on funny black magic okay that's how would you rather work you didn't know this guy is
16:44 I guess falling on hard times but he's dressed up he's working his ass off he's trying to not be homeless but you see him
16:53 you have to beg him to come in and jerk like he's like no I'm not homeless like my car wouldn't have made me pull over
16:58 yeah the car knows the car knows it's kit just get it just get in here in Jerkhoff. He's like fuck. He's like I'm gonna be late to my interview. I hate the spitball
17:08 but sucking snot out of your kid's nose sucks. But it's your kid. It's your kid. But it's a physical thing versus you know in the vicinity type thing. Like having the what's that thick like when you go to a Japanese restaurant
17:24 that soup? It's not miso, it's something else right? The egg soup? Sure. Egg drop soup. Egg drop soup. Yum. I hate it But I'd rather do that Oh my God, but your kids
17:39 They're always your kids So you You could be 68 They're at college Then you have to go down At Thanksgiving And suck the snot out of your kid's nose That's funny
17:55 Having used one of those things It's like The things too And you can hear it it's sucking out of there knowing you have to do that with your mouth. See, like one of these things makes me cringe and like and gives me goosebumps and like shoots a wave through my body. The other one's just like, oh, it's fucking gross and inconvenient.
18:18 Okay. Well, but there's so many homeless people around here that it would be, it would be every day. I don't have time. I wish I had like if, if you're hearing this right now and that's your, your fetish. You're like, I just wish I could drive around homeless people while they jerk off. Moves Spokane? Sure. But he's like, whoever you are just waiting for fucking Seth to send this in.
18:43 You're like, dude, I'd pick that every day. I'd want that. Dude. And it says jerk off. But also, it's not like just dudes are homeless. Right. So you have to watch a little like DJ. Like the girl that was sitting with her tits out.
18:58 Chris Cross Applesau with her tits out on the sidewalk. at 4.20 in the morning? Mm-hmm. Get in. Get in. How about that smell? We're both jerking it this time. You do that.
19:13 I'll do this. We're both getting arrested. Yeah. I don't. He's like, I need a little inspiration. You're like, you have to get your dick out. So now you're jerking off
19:23 with a homeless guy. You drive him around? You hand him your phone so he can watch porn. He's over there just fucking, yeah. Oh, fuck. Oh, my. God, he's just jerking off to Zillow.
19:32 And then you're... Look at this. Two-bedroom ranger. No, you're... Dude, he's... Oh, fuck. Oh, my God, I can't believe red fins blocked. One and a half bath.
19:50 Oh, fuck. Just got to walk in shower. Look at this fucking duplex. You see that finished basement? Oh, my God, look at the driveway. Speaking of finish, hurry up, dude. Look at the fucking driveway on this duplex. You can see.
20:03 like just come. And your wife sends you a text and it's like, ding! And so he's jerking off watching porn and reading your text from your wife while he's jerking off. I'm sucking snot. Will you stop and grab milk at Super 1? He's like trying to get rid of it so he can keep watching the porn. I'll give you some milk. Hey, by the way, your wife needs eggs and milk.
20:24 Your wife needs 2%. Get the good kind this time. Splurge. I want you to splurge on the organic milk. Or you're in an argument with her and he's relaying the text that she's sending you. You expect me to believe that you're late every day because the homeless guy's jerking off in your car and he's like swipes it up. Continues fucking jerking off to a four bedroom. Split level?
20:49 Who wouldn't? I'll fucking split your level. Look at this truly unique one of a kind townhouse. Fuck. God, dude. I'm not to mow my own lawn. I'm going to fucking come. I'm coming in it.
21:02 I'm coming in it. car? I think there's a time. Coming in the duplice. Oh my God. Coming in the rancher. You're coming in a too bad? You're coming in a two bath?
21:14 Coming in the four room, one half bat? An unfinished. An unfinished basement? Fuck! Okay. Back to you? I'm sucking snot. I'm not doing the cum stuff.
21:25 There's a thing when the kids are really young and you're washing their ass, you're changing their diapers, things like that. Like, you put up with a lot and snot. And it still is like, but as your kids are, I mean, kids are getting older. They're starting to smell and stuff now and have B.O. Like my oldest, if he just had a snotting, I have to go suck his snot up. Like you're, oh my God. Okay.
21:49 This is a lot. We have to move on. But the last of it, you're really sick. And you're laying in a hospital bed. You're 72. Let's give you 78. Okay. You've had a great life.
21:58 Your kid shows up, but he's like, he's coming to see you. and say his goodbyes. But he's talking to you and he goes, I'm just gonna miss you and he goes, and he goes, you're like, are you sick? He's like, yeah. And he just leans in and puts his nose
22:15 into your mouth and you're like, one more time, Papa. One more time, Daddy. That's so gross and sad. Suck my nose. But I'm just thinking like, yeah, you're doing that and you're like, you're like, come in here, son.
22:27 And you think he's going to tell you some like last, last deathbed words, you know, like some inspiring life advice or whatever. And he's just like, Oh. Thank you. I'm still picking snot. I'm not fucking doing the jerk off shit.
22:50 Yeah. Let's say beep to the segment. Or you could just move and like go to some small town. They're everywhere. Wyoming. But like there's a, the population of 200. That's the workaround. Earn yourself a nice, like, a little.
23:03 little farm life. It's not much, but it's on his work. There's always some homeless drifter, though. Every town's got that guy that... You get to know them, then. That might be even worse. I don't know. You guys fall in love? You don't know. He was a great guy. All he needs is a place to jerk it. And a place to live.
23:24 Okay, snot, snot, snot, everyone's snot? Yeah, I don't like me. Reluctantly. Reluctantly snot. Back to you, Zach. Push it! Fuck! Hey. What are you thinking about? You know, nothing. Actually, you know what?
23:38 I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? So this was just last night for this. What are you thinking about? What? Huh? What's happening to you? Nothing.
23:52 Oh, I'm not even going to talk about spam right now, dude. I don't know what list I got on, but fucking driving me insane. Is that what we're talking about? No. We're talking about last night. So I had a long-ass day. Woke up at, I think it was 3-10 to Yuma? Yep.
24:11 3-10 in the morning, could not go back to sleep. So I just started my fucking day at 3-10. I guess I'm up. Guess I'm up. I guess I'll go jerk off a homeless guy. Fuck myself. And a homeless guy. I'm going to head outside and go, fuck myself.
24:24 And so I just started my day, took a little shower, got things rolling. You know, did the morning show, making sure everyone's safe and spoken. And did that, went home. It took a little 20-minute nap, so not enough. Had to do a bunch of sales, had to do stuff for this. And it's just a whole fucking day. Kids get home. So now that rolls straight into dinner, making dinner, and feeding the kids and all that shit.
24:52 And then before I knew it, it was like 7 p.m. And I have to go to bed at 7.30 or try to in order to attempt getting any sort of quality sleep. decent. And I'm dragging ass. And so I'm going to make lunches for school tomorrow. And I'm like, fuck. And just, like, too many things were missing. I couldn't piece together a lunch. I needed some stuff. And so I was just like, this is the last thing I want to do. And I live in a spot where the safest place to go, the safe way, is like, it's a three-minute drive. I mean, not that bad. But I just want to go to fucking bed. So I get in the car and I'm driving up there. And I have this thought of, I have to go get
25:34 some deli meat. I get some turkey. I'm like, can you imagine if you had to go hunt a turkey right now? Like, you are so busy and you have to make lunches for your kids and I have to go fucking bohunt a turkey right now?
25:50 I get to just drive three minutes and pick up a tub of Turk. A little turkly, dude. Freshly sliced. It's thin. It's layered. It looks pretty. Seasons. Yeah. Sealed. It's fresh. And if I had to just be like, God damn it, and I'd head out to the mountains and haunted turkey in order to feed my kids.
26:09 You had to put your camo on? God. Are we thinking like normal time here? Or are we thinking like olden days? Like, are you in the olden days? I think all of it. Like if a grocery store just didn't exist. So I guess technically that would put us back there. Or you lived in the middle of nowhere to avoid having to watch homeless people jerk off in your car. No. So wherever you are and you just forgot. And I also needed cream cheese. But imagine that I'm like, fuck. And I just kick the back door open and walk out.
26:39 And how do you make cream cheese? Fucking what? And you just milking a cow. You got to milk the cow first. Like so mad. The cow's like, and you're like, fuck you. You don't know what kind of day I've had.
26:53 You're just hurrying it out. Just scorting the milk out into a bucket. How do you make cream cheese? And then just let it curdle. Oh. Just stay up Just stay up and watch your milk curdle If you can have a fucking
27:08 Lunch tomorrow Heat the milk in a heavy bottom pot Over medium heat Stirring often until It is hot and starts to simmer Wow Watch turn the heat lows Add lemon juice
27:22 Wait for the milk to separate In a thick white curds And yellowish liquid way Yellow curds Yellow curds Place a cheese cloth inside a mesh strainer over a large bowl and pour the mixture
27:35 through the drain and drain the way. Squeeze the cheese cloth gently to remove extra liquid. Cheese cloth sounds like an insult. Oh yeah, does fucking cheesecloth. Oh my God, keep up, you fucking cheese cloth. Transfer the solid curds to a food processor,
27:51 add the salt and blend for three minutes till smooth and creamy. Hmm. Chill the cream cheese in refrigerator for at least 30 minutes. So you're doing that. in the middle of the night. You're milking the cow. It's not middle, yeah, seven, but, you know,
28:07 feels like middle of the night. You're milking the cow, and on the side you're fucking knitting a cheese cloth. What? You just have a sewing machine on the side, milking a cow making a cheese cloth. While your kids are just fucking off doing something else. Yeah, they're just not helping.
28:24 I'm hungry. The cheese has to curdle. You know that. Well, the cheese has to curdle. cloth too. I'm not done making the cheese cloth. Keep it down. Just fucking... You want to make
28:39 your own cheese cloth? I didn't think so. I didn't think so. Just close the barn door and back to pulling on an utter. You're like, I should be fucking in sleep right now. You look through the window and some kids just in there like flog with their phone. TikToking. He was like
28:57 fucking kids. Yeah. Damn it. I mean, but just, I just really brought it. Think about all the things you put in the lunch, right? Or if you're, if you're looking for orange juice and you want to go to bed and you're like, oh my God. You're like, oh, my wife's going to be so pissed. You go squeeze 700 fucking oranges to make a couple cups of orange juice.
29:22 Just. Adding sugar. Yeah. And from the sugar cane? Mm-hmm. You got to go down to the sugar cane. How do you even sugar cane? Like, you just fucking.
29:31 fucking shake it. No, I'm guessing there's a process with that too. Let's see how to extract sugar. So the whole thought here was just stop being a bit. Just go to the store and get the things you need. It took me like a grand total of 20 minutes and I was still able to go to bed by 745. It is. In bed and not fall asleep. Maybe we've talked about this before. I don't know.
29:54 But like the idea that you could run to the store and be back home in 15 minutes and have enough food to make for a lunch tomorrow versus having to do all the stuff that we just talked about. But you're also used to the world you live in, so it does sound like an inconvenience. But if there was some frontiersman,
30:14 they just all of a sudden was like, popped up. Popped into the, you know, like, you're like, fuck. You have to explain your problems to him. It's magic. All of it's magic. My Tommy's a little upset, and he's like, the fuck you just say? Hello, frontiersman. I'm a
30:30 little sad. I lost three kids to cholera and dysentery on the way here. I'm just, I'm just feeling a little sad today. He'd be like, fuck you. A bear ate my wife. He didn't have time to feel sad.
30:43 He's like, yeah, well, sadness didn't build the railroad. Yeah, the Chinese did. Oh, nice. I, but just, he's like, yeah, just, well, we can go pick a lemon off the lemon tree. I don't have one.
30:57 Why don't you have a lemon tree? Everyone has a fucking lemon tree, you idiot. it. Like, I don't know. He's never grew one. I don't even know how to grow it. This is why we're depressed, right? Because there's just nothing. Not a lemon? Yeah. You don't have to worry about anything. So you just get depressed.
31:13 Okay, well, before this thought's over, how do we get sugar out of a sugar cane? Did you figure that out? Harvesting. Hature stocks are cut and rushed to a mill. Yeah, duh. Rushed. Go, go! Go!
31:24 Just force gumping. Rollers crush the cane fiber. to squeeze out the sweet juice. Purificate lime and other agents are added to the juice to clump and remove impurities. Heat boils away the excess water, turning the clear juice into a thick syrup. I think we're sleeping on lime.
31:46 Vacuum pans encourage sugar crystals to grow inside the syrup. You say vacuum pans? Yeah. The what? Centrofuge spin to mixture to separate the solid sugar crystals from liquid molasses. Oh, I see. I see. Okay.
32:01 We can also have sugar beets too. No, not interested. All right. So anyway, if you're, you learned a little bit about a lot of stuff. And whenever you really run down, you have to go do something you don't want to do, I get it. But just think about it. It could be worse. It could be homeless, too.
32:19 You could have to jerk off in somebody's car. Hey, kids, do you guys want hamburgers tonight? Like, yeah. And you're like, fuck! Like, you're going out there and just like, butcher. Sorry, Bessie. Cutting a cow's throat. of course you want fucking hamburgers
32:33 and the cow's like A pig just You're running after You guys want bacon? Like yeah And you open the fridge And you're like fuck You have to just go out and fucking
32:43 I hate this Truly in the morning for this And the pig's like This Oh It's just Kids are in the other room Trying to go to sleep
32:54 And you're playing Fortnite Yeah Um Maybe Maybe I shouldn't ask this question because it could open up a can of worms. Would you rather be the...
33:05 Think about the convenience of open up a can of worms. That's true. Going fishing with a can of worms? Yeah. You have to go to the yard and pick worms? Yeah. I used to do that. Yeah, me too.
33:16 No, you... Would you rather drive around a guy till he jerks off? Or would you rather be the homeless guy that has to ride around in someone's car and jerk off? I'm... Seems like the guy who comes, wins. That's my dad usually
33:33 Oh yeah Get a little sound to show for yourself The guy who comes wins Thanks dad That's what he leans in And whispers to me on his death then And then sucks snot out of my nose Listen son
33:49 The man who comes wins Sam The Sam Elliott quote He's big old Coors banquet Just sucks the I'd rather jerk off of his mustache.
34:03 All right. You guys ready for the next thing? Let's do some dick, Zach. Please, thanks. Bye. Okay. Should I take this little first hog? You take that some bitch.
34:18 This first dick sat in by our son, JJ, who has a little message along with an article. So it's a little hybrid approach. Okay? Because some of it could have gone down in hey guys, but then he put an article on there. Hello, Papa Joe, Daddy Brian, and Tommy Uncle Zach. Hello.
34:36 I saw this article yesterday and I couldn't stop laughing at it. I'll get you a fucking new one or whatever. That'll make sense. Whatever of this vet and he figured you guys might as well. I show up to my wife if she thinks I'm sick
34:48 for laughing, but what the hell does she know? I too am part of the Dead Dad Club. Fuck, dude. Yeah! That was a turn. What position did you play? A few years back,
35:03 him and the gal was with, got arrested for stolen credit cards and crystal math. He did some time in San Quentin State Prison in California. He notoriously not super fun not super fun. Where he got to see someone
35:19 stabbed in the neck so many times his head was hanging off. Nearly decapitated. Yeah, we get it. And another thrown from the third level into the common area. It sounds like a fun playground. Fun! After he got out, the day his probation ended, he decided to suck start a handgun.
35:45 And at the funeral, my mom decided it was a good idea to invite the lady that he got arrested with to meet everyone. Super wake! That's a multifaceted joke. Yeah. Because of the wake. Anyway. Super awkward way. Super wake.
36:07 Anyway, thank you guys for helping me laugh my way through all of that and for all the time you guys put into the show. Love, you're probably a little twisted son, JJ. Sent from my ham radio.
36:20 P.S., I almost sent this with zero punctuation just to see Daddy Bryant have a meltdown. But he already struggles enough. All right, so here's the article. Jesus. I guess get a read on this one, fellas. Cedar City couple
36:36 seeks answers after pet dog Lily mistakenly and euthanized during her vet visit. No. Oh, it's so cute. Dude, that looks just like my fucking yours. What? I wish it wasn't playing. I didn't mean that for that to happen. I guess pause.
36:55 It looks exactly like my dog. I was going to not do that to you. Okay. I all, there's no word. Son of a bitch. Absolutely. His pictures everywhere. Okay.
37:09 So Cody Zilks said he brought a, he brought nine-year-old Lily to Southern Utah Animal Hospital the morning of September 11th, for a never forget, for a routine allergy shot. At the same time, he said, he brought in the remains of another
37:24 one of his Yorkies, 16-year-old Remy. 16? That's a long time, isn't it? It's pretty average for those dogs. No, gotcha. Who had recently, I guess Ryery made it to fucking 16.
37:39 Holy shit. Little dogs go a little bit longer. Just hanging out with me for over a third of my life. She's like, what's up, dude? What's up, dude? You guys cool still? I eat the same food today as yesterday? Of course you can't, buddy.
37:53 Can I chew on some of that crunchy round? Can I eat that same fucking shitty food you've been giving me for 16 years? Of course. Of course. And we yelled at me at my bark? Yeah, of course. I will always promise I always promise to give
38:08 the same shitty food 16 year old Remy who had recently died of natural causes heart attack in quotes we don't need to know that and had been kept in a plastic container inside their freezer
38:25 until cremation services were arranged just cremation 26 for 25% off on everything in the merch store Zilk said when he arrived at the clinic just after 10 a.m. that day, the receptionist confirmed he was there for cremation service for Remy and a shot, an allergy shot for Lily. A short time later in the exam room, Zilk said the veterinarian prepared to give the shot to Lily as she was being held by the technician.
38:52 Zilk said his legs became weak, he fell to the ground and began to sob and shake. Once Lily was pricked with the needle, she began to squirm and yelp. I told Lily it's okay. And if she behaved, we would take her home and get a treat. I watched as the vet administrated the shot. After the shot finished, I saw Lily began to go limp and asked what was happening. I was afraid she was having a reaction
39:16 to the allergy shot. The vet said that she had just been euthanized. Fuck. God. Whoops. What a whoops. Can you suck the poison out or? He's like, no.
39:36 Why is she going limp? Because I have killed her. Because she's dead now. $80, please. Oh, my God. I was incredibly upset and didn't know what to do next. Silk said, I looked at the vet, and he shrugged and said, shrugged.
39:53 Just that emoji. It's what it's. It's what it's. You win some, you lose some. Fuck. What'd you do? My best? Shrugged and said, well, I can't bring your, bring your dog back, so I'll just buy a new one.
40:17 What? And I replied, are you kidding me? He said that silks of the veterinarian's tone seemed cold, unsympathetic and dismissive. Well, I just killed it. What is the big deal? Why do you work? It's okay. Well, we can't.
40:33 Do you have a tire machine or what? Do you want a fucking new dog? Get out of here. Leave 80 bucks. You want a filing error? Oh my god, what? You want a hug? Fuck, dude.
40:45 He's just looking at two shots. One's a fucking allergy shot and one kills him. He's like, hmm. Mm. He mixes him up and closes his eyes. He's like, mm. Bing bong. He should have just punched me because it would have felt better than what he said.
41:02 It was just so hard to hear that. The vet said, well, we have already going to cremate your dog, so why don't we just cremate both dogs? Jesus Zulks noting he responded by saying I don't trust you to do anything You just killed my dog Man
41:23 Does you get a two for one deal at least Slides him a coupon Well it's your lucky day One dog get one Bogo or Buy one Get one cremation free A BC
41:37 I told you all we do is Just euthanizations It's called just Euthanize Just euthanize and next door is just cremations Well, it's your lucky day Those are just flu shots right next door
41:51 You walked into the wrong building Oh man The idea of Not being able to do Whoops Oh God Well it's Okay
42:04 So in a In a similar vein Punt intended There's people that do this too where they do something and then right after they're like, oh, fuck. Right? So there's, at least the dog probably had no idea.
42:22 Just gone. Like, just there and then gone. And that's sad. I know. But like a human, they, they're like, wait, how much was in there? And they're like, oh, you took, and like, imagine that panic. If your brain has the ability to perceive what just happened to you. But you're like, oh, fuck, oh, fuck, oh, fuck.
42:40 Like you took away to any drugs or something? Oh, fuck, oh, fuck, oh, fuck, yeah. And you're like, oh, I'm going to die. And you're just like, you have a little bit, you have like a 30 second window where your brain's like, oh, God, you did it. Well, drinking a point, like in the old shows, like, you accidentally drink the poison. They, in the, in the wine cup or whatever. Yeah. And that point, you're like, oh, shit.
43:04 I just drink poison. I die. Yeah. Every beat of your heart is just pumping it through your body. and you can feel it. What's that? What are you doing out there? By the moon and the stars in the sky.
43:21 All for one, baby. And I'll be there. I'll be there. For better worse. That's absolutely brutal. The doctor's response. That's fucking brutal. He's like,
43:37 he's like, what are they, 140 bucks? He just shrugs and snaps his gloves off. and like, Kobe, like shoots him into the thing. He's, I'll buy you a new one.
43:46 What do you want me to do? That's what I was thinking. I was thinking he's going to throw the needle in there and go, Kobe. Kobe, he misses and he has to walk over and pick it up. All right, fetch. He goes, I'm just kidding.
43:58 I'm going on lunch. I was going to say, I'm going to Arby's or anything. Nah. Well, we fucked it today. What are you thinking? Actually, I was thinking Arby's.
44:06 I knew today was going to be a bad day. All right, high five. See you later. The guy's just stand there with the leash. You're not going to need that leash anymore. You mind if we sell it? Sell it up front.
44:19 That's so harsh. It is harsh. And then JJ also sent in, he drove by that same clinic where the story came from, because he's from his town. And their giant Halloween decorations are one of the huge skeletons walking a skeleton dog. Yeah, too soon. Read the room. Yeah.
44:41 much time had passed between that and the... I don't know. Still too soon. I don't know. This was September 26th the article was written, so... Yeah.
44:51 So not too far. God, looks just like my fucking dog. Quit looking at it. Your dog's cuter. Yeah, she was. But same... Color pattern? That tongue?
45:04 The tongue... Why is the tongue always out? Because those fucking teeth won't stay in. But the same... The black with the brown and then the gray. All that's racist. God damn, dude.
45:15 We even had a pink leash like that. Like, this is hitting way too close. Oh, my God. This is fun. Look at that. Look at that. Amy Zilke snuggles with a sleeping lily date and location photo not specified. Probably at home.
45:32 He's like, hey, can you tell me where that, what day in location that was that? No reply. Yeah, because you fucking, these dog just got. accidentally murdered. We reached out for a... We couldn't figure out where that photo was taken. No one cares! W! W! No one cares!
45:52 W. No one cares! Here's a pick that no one cares about. Okay. Well, moving on. That sucks. Man, we can't come up with me. I need a little do-do-do-do-do something to come out of that. Oh, like this?
46:11 No, the... I'm trying to find the song you're like There's a do to do do Happy that All right dog Okay Well let's see if we can Get
46:21 Probably not Judge clears trans woman Rachel Glines In decent exposure charges Due to body fat coverage Oh Oh boy And this was sent in by Shane
46:36 By the way Oh yes Yes Okay Back to you A Zena County judge in Ohio rude that... Yeah, I was going to say, we...
46:48 I don't want to screw this story up. Ruled that trans woman, Rachel Glines, did not commit indecent exposure in the female changing room after the defense argued that body fat covered the genitalia area. And really, you can take your glasses off right there. I think we've read them all we need. I think we're going to get the gist from it.
47:11 You can keep going, but I think we have. The whole picture's been painting. Back to you. Witnesses claim these incidents that women, including some juveniles, saw a naked man in the female locker room with visible penis. The charges against Glynes were then brought to the court in February. Judge David McNamee. McNamee? McNamee? Kid?
47:42 McNamee guy. John Doe McNamee. What? McNamee? I'm just reading these McWordies. McNamey. You got to be fucking kidding me. I'm going to find the origin of McNamey.
48:02 He eventually cleared Glines of these charges, insisting that there was little dispute as to the facts of the case, regarding Glyne's permission to be in the locker room, as well as the fact that Glyne's heavy body set likely covered the penis. There was no question that Glynes was in the woman's locker room. However, Glein's was not charged with trespass. nor Glyne's charged with being an area of YMCA where Glynes was not supposed to be, McNamee wrote. Quite simply.
48:30 McArtically. Quiet simply. Shouldn't it be quite simply? Yeah, sure. That's a typo. Wow. The facts do not exist to support the, to find guilt as charges. It's a weird sentence.
48:44 Hated it. Glines' genitalia was not visible as a result of the other portions of her body covering same. What? Okay. So let's just think about being in a situation where you got out of some pretty serious offenses because your gut was covering your penis. That's wild. Imagining a courtroom when they're like Mrs. Gail, Gailies, what was it, Giles? Giles.
49:19 Glynes. Mrs. Glynes, please stand up and take your clothes off. Show me your penis. And she's like, mm-hmm. I'm just standing in the courtroom. Like, I can't see it. Here, do a little twirl.
49:31 Do a little twirl. He's like showing the jury that your fucking guts covering your peen. What could that, what could the like a glove don't fit you must acquit type of thing? If the penis don't show, you don't know. Then you can go. You get to go. If a penis don't show, then you're good to go. And then in the other.
49:53 camp that you're like one of those people that get off on flashing your privates. If the fat covers dong, you did no wrong. Sorry. Gut over a penis. You're in the cleanest? Fat over dong, you did no wrong. It's my daddy still. He did say that.
50:20 Yeah, he's mentioned it. He didn't proudly say it, but he's. He said it. He's spoken it. He answered the door like that. He did. I just can't. Yeah.
50:29 So you're one of those people that want, like you get off on that. On flashing your prives in public. You're like, whew. And everyone's just like, I can't see it. Oh, my God. That would be deflating. Oh, man. Watch this.
50:46 I'm going to show everybody. I'm going to show everybody. I'm going to show everyone. I'm going to show everyone. Nice stomach. Pick up your gut. pick up your gut I want to see your dick
50:56 pick up your gut pick up your gut and show me your dangle your dangle come on let it hang baby let it hangled that's just that courtroom conversation had to have been wild
51:10 just sitting there listening to your your fucking attorney your honor she is too fat to show her dick just like what? And you're like whatever you have to get out of this trouble?
51:28 I am. I am too fat. Oh my God. With all due respect my client is way too fat to show up her dick. Like high five. Good point. Just
51:49 just have the humility of like you're sitting there while all these people, there's like a, there's a jury and they're pulling people up and they're like, on this day, did they, did you try to show your penis? Yeah, I showed your penis, but I couldn't see it because it's too fat. Everybody's having conversation about you while you're just sitting there like, like this though.
52:09 Just, just the fucking comedy central roast without trying to be it. You're just like, but everyone has the same joke. Yeah, too fat to see your penis. He's like, yep. the sketch artist in there I need more lead Your honor is this a penis or a belly button
52:33 That's a belly button That's because the belly button Is over the penis I rest my case And you're just like Mm-hmm Told you Fuck dude
52:43 I try to tell you Oh man Wild That's a wild situation dude That's one way to get out of it I can't remember I can't Or I can't not remember
52:53 it's, I can't foresee the president that that case is going to set. Yeah. All future dick stuff. All right. Well, should we slide into some petty beef? All right, let's pump it in. Fucking Zah! You are now entering the Petty Beef courtroom, where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated.
53:16 The people are real. The cases are real. The rulings are final-ish. This is Petty Beef. It reminds me like if you're in court And like, but like You're dumb And everyone just talks about how stupid you are
53:33 Like you're too stupid to pull off what they're saying you did And you just have to sit there like I am dumb Of course I did rob a casino He's a fucking idiot And you're like I am dumb I am too dumb
53:48 I mean that's essentially kind of Not even in like a comedy way but like if you massacred a bunch of people and you're sitting like you're sitting in a courtroom where everybody's in there and they're all talking about something you did it's like so many lives so many lives have been changed and you're just like whoops sitting at the table just like yikes this sucks i didn't see that yeah this sucks dude he raped and pillaged and murdered and decapitated I'm just like, did I? He's too dumb to do that.
54:28 Sent in by our son Darren who writes, hey daddy, Joe, and Brian. What's up? I'll get right to it. My wife insists on setting the clocks 10 minutes fast. While I maintain the opinion that they should be accurate
54:45 to the correct time. That makes sense to me. More specifically, the clock in the damn car! I can usually guesstimate how much time has elapsed when asked in transit times fairly accurately. But when I know where we're going in the time of day, that's how it helps. I get thrown off when we're on our way to an appointment or some other reservation, and I see that we are running late on our car's clock.
55:10 And it causes some undue stress and gets me really pissed when we're running late. We'd love some input from the experts here. But then you get there and realize you're early, and you're like, yay! P.S. Now, I could just be being a little bitch, and this could be nothing, but I'm not ashamed if I'm wrong. Thanks in advance. Time to get up and wipe my house?
55:32 Your son, Darren. I love that he's thinking about it. He took one of those breaks. Got in a fight and he's like, I'm going to fucking send this one. All right, honey, I have to go pee, and he's like, fucking. What are your thoughts on this, bra, guy? Yeah, I have some thoughts on it Yeah, same.
56:02 Because I feel like I'm constantly screaming at my family to get out of the door on time To get to get out of the door Get out of the door! Get out of the door! And there's like, no. I mean, you know, I don't like it. I'm hiding in the door. Nope.
56:21 We're trying to get to sports. We have like, it could be 30-minute drives. We're trying to get somewhere. I will often, I don't change the clock, but I will often say we have to leave in 10 minutes when really we need to leave in 20 minutes to try to get everyone sped up
56:39 Got it makes sense And then so when we get out of the door Everyone realizes Oh we're we're on time And it's funny my wife actually brought this up the other day She said that Well because I did this and she said it out of the blue She's like I like it when you I like that you did that
56:54 It got aside and I'm like Really? Because it doesn't seem that way Because it seemed like you really did not like that. I'm saying you were like getting pretty pissed that we're going to be fine and all this. And then after the fact, when we got out of the door, she was like, I like that you did that. I'm like, glad you're saying that now because it sure didn't seem like it before. And you just waiting. Yeah.
57:14 You know, right after that, right after that, I had a thought. It's like, women love you to tell them what to do unless they don't want you to tell them what to do. And it's up to you to figure out. when that time is Yeah I love it when you take control Only when I want you to do You're like this
57:33 And it's up to you to figure out when that time is And you're like that's not confusing at all It's gonna be great Can't wait to ruin this Yeah I get it When it comes to like clocks in general I have never understood The set the clock
57:49 Like You know To be faster that you end up on time Because every time you read it you know that clock is not right. If everyone, well, for you. So the thing. In this situation, yes.
58:07 So the wife knows that it's fast in the car. Everybody knows that the clock is 10 minutes fast. So then no longer does this trick work. Yeah. Because you look at it, like, oh, don't worry. It's 10 minutes fast. Then fucking put it the right time. Yeah.
58:22 What are we doing? I agree. It has to be not, you have to set it. Like I set the oven clock a little fast, like by three minutes maybe. Because in the morning, when we're getting ready for school and stuff, people walk and by that thing and they look at the clock and they see, oh, we got to go. Are you the only one that knows that is three minutes fast? Yeah. I'm assuming your wife has figured that out.
58:44 I mean, maybe. But there's no way. She's like, wait, what? I just don't think she pays attention to stuff like that. And the little clock, if she looked at her phone, she would be, and compared it, she would. But you're not doing that because you're like rushing around the house trying to get lunches packed and all that kind of stuff. You glance over at the clock. You see that it's 813, but it's 8.10.
59:05 And you're like, ooh, we got two minutes to get out of here, but really five. It's a subtle little thing that I'll do. It's not 10 minutes, but it's a couple minutes just where it's not too obvious. And then there's a clock out by the TV. It's the old style clock with the arms. I set it a couple minutes faster. But if you look at your phone or any sort of atomic. clock or whatever, you would realize it.
59:28 Yeah. So that's the thing about this is there's, that has never really worked when it comes to people that understand time. The second I know a clock is off by a certain amount, I look at it, I'm like, that clock's not right. So this is the time it actually is. So it's never going to speed me up as a grown man. And I'm like, oh my God.
59:47 Oh my God. Oh my God. I'm 10 minutes late. It's like, no. It's just like, I know that clock's off by 10 minutes. Yeah. So fucking change it. You have to, it has to be a thing that the other person doesn't.
59:56 doesn't know or it defeats the purpose. Yeah. Or a clock that nobody knows, then yeah. Then that's going to work because you can assume that clock is accurate. This is a little different, but I don't know. I'm sure there are people out there that when the clock jumps forward, it goes backwards. Not everyone changes it right away. So then you just kind of adapt to being an hour ahead and you go, oh, it's not 9 o'clock, it's 8 o'clock.
01:00:20 But I know that it's 8 o'clock now because I know I haven't set the clock back. So you're doing that thing where you're like 9 o'clock. okay. It literally does a clock. Yeah. Because you just haven't, so my mom has this big clock up on a fireplace. You need like a 12 foot ladder to get to? Yeah.
01:00:36 So whenever I go home, it'll be like six months after she's like, can you change the clock? You know, and I'm like, mom, it's about to. Daylight savings is about to end. Yeah. Just wait it out. Now you have to remember that I set it back because now you're used to that and adjusting for it. You're like, it's 8 o'clock, but you know, you think it's 9 o'clock, but you know it's 8 o'clock, because it says.
01:00:57 But now you, it's been like that for six months. You now have to remember that I set it back. So it's not nine o'clock. It's actually eight o'clock. It's the actual time now. Yeah. Yeah.
01:01:07 I'm not, I can't do the fake clock time. I just want to know what fucking time it is. I guess there's people that do it. It's like, yeah, well, that I'll leave a little early. It's like, no, you won't because you know in the back of your head that, what the fucking actual time is.
01:01:19 So I am going to side with Darren on this one for sure. Just set your clock to the right time. And they just don't be late. I guess, though, if... It's not going to trick her. She knows. She knows it's 10 minutes. Yeah.
01:01:31 She's not being fooled. Just set the right fucking time. And he's popping in and out. So he's not living with that clock every day. So he'll look up in a moment. He's like, fuck. We're late. And he's like, oh, wait.
01:01:42 Never mind. We're not. Yeah. Yeah, that's the thing. If you didn't set it for yourself, you forget. And then you realize. Yeah. It does.
01:01:51 But I'm one of those people that, like, I don't know. Whenever we're trying to get to, sporting events or get out the door in the morning. I wake up 15 minutes early. Yeah, lying to children is fine. Yeah. To get them out the door. Exactly.
01:02:03 That's how it works. Yeah. Like, we have to leave in five minutes knowing you're going to leave in 15. That's classic. That's parenting 101. Mm-hmm. Little shit heads. So I'm siding with Darren.
01:02:13 Just change your clock. Zach, what do you have? Yeah, I'm going the same way. Okay. Although I used to do that when I was a kid. I would put everything like a half hour. I like doing math in my head, I guess, is what I found out. That's cool.
01:02:24 It's unnecessary, but cool. Yeah, you get it. Okay, she'll move off to the next thing. Let's do it. Let's figure it out. Fire! So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray, we aren't doomed.
01:02:38 Yeah! All right, would you guys like to go to China? Let's go. Heading to China now via WWW. World Wide Web. Check this shit out. China's 288 meter cliff elevator cut student school journey from three hours to 30 minutes
01:02:58 look at this fucking thing it still takes 30 minutes to get up there that's a long walk I'm guessing the journey to the elevator takes 15 then maybe 15 once you're up there if you're not walking around the entire cliff anyway I mean I really don't have to read this article
01:03:20 so the fact is is that basically there's a school district there's going to be just one school so the kids had to go to this school unless they're going to be homeschooled and the journey to get there was fucking insane do you I did I did some math for you yeah 288 meters I got you 28 meters is 945 feet so approximately 94 stories which is almost the size of the new world trade center dude that's so high it's fucking sick get some kids to school. Maybe build a school on the bottom end of the thing.
01:04:00 That was what I thought. That's what I was going to say, Zach. I mean, instead of building that very expensive elevator. If you, but if you, the kids still have to, they could roll down the hill with this. They still got to walk up the hill to go home. Either way you're going up the hill. It takes three hours to get there, but 15 minutes to summer salt your way home. You just jump in a tire and roll down a tire.
01:04:21 Jump in a longboard and just, just chase the cheese ball. Yeah. But I love that they Solve the issue with a giant Engineering Marvel It looks pretty crazy too It does, it looks so cool Doesn't look real
01:04:34 No, it looks fake But how cool is that? I just thought that was something That would be a good A good feel It's scary. It's all glass looking too So here's you're watching the view
01:04:43 Watch go up That would be pretty crazy The first couple times It's a high ass cliff But Zach literally that was my first thought I was like how about a smaller school Down here? Yeah, save that money
01:04:52 Just have a couple teachers down here at the building Yeah, just two, just do two schools and split the kids up. Are you from upcliff or downcliff? Those are the rival. He's a downcliffer. He's a downcliffer. That's your mascot?
01:05:07 You guys are both the cliffs? The upcliff and the downcliff. It's like North and South Korea. Sure. Okay, moving off. Something found on the internet this week. Zach, please. The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can need to
01:05:24 experience something super cool or go to prison crazy right let's check it out together as a couple hey look what i found yes that's awesome so we know that dolphins like fuck around dolphins like to fuck about uh sexually and just kind of as he as dolphins they just do silly fun stuff and surf waves and they're having funs out they're having little funsies out there yeah they're an animal that can that knows how to have funsies. Yeah. Sometimes they'll do LSD. Sure.
01:05:57 Why not? Ellis Dolphin. Yeah. Sometimes they'll try and fuck a teacher. I think we've covered that story. Yeah. Or a teacher will fuck a dolphin because you don't love with it. More that way, yeah.
01:06:05 Sure. This dolphin, nickname Bubbles. Bollies fish into puking up food and then eats the barb. Come on. Puk it up. Come on. Give me a fucking puke. Ryan, oh my God.
01:06:19 He's so fast. He's so fast. He's throw up all right. Ready. So a bottle-nosed dolphin named Bubbles, Chase's fish near Australia's Great Barrier Reef until they throw up their meals and then he's like, thank you. Oh, my God. What is, like, a school bully. The behavior was documented in the journal Ecology and Evolution back on September 13th. Sounds like he's living a would you rather. The study noted that it might be the first direct evidence of this exact thing, stealing food obtained by another animal, which is the group of marine. animals that include dolphins, porpoises, and whales.
01:06:56 I'm not going to try and say the fucking scientific words. According to the study, researchers recorded 20 encounters between 2021 and 2025 near Lady Elliott Island. In 11 encounters, Bubbles pursued a big-eye travali until it vomited and then ate the food while the fish swam away. Have you watched the video? Let's take a peek here. Here we go.
01:07:21 So this is just like, come on, dude. Throw up already. throw up boo watch and he's like thank you thank you
01:07:32 give me your lunch money give me lunch money give me lunch money but that's an easy way to hunt fine thank you he got it so quick yeah I think he's going all right back
01:07:46 I'm going to chase your friends you go collect all the food I'm going to chase you throw up and I'm going to eat it this comment on Reddit for the story the stuffing is always the best part classic bubbles
01:07:58 dude it's classic bubbles always dude imagine if you did that like you just chase humans until they threw up their food outside of McDonald's yeah just chasing them around like please stop you're like come here until they go ladders all over the sidewalk and you just go back
01:08:15 thank you thank you for the big back don't chew this so much next time I'll be back tomorrow Fuck, dude. I guess that was an interesting thing to share. That's gross. All right, moving off to Hey, guys. Come on now, Zaki Poo!
01:08:33 Hey, you go! All right, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. All right. I'll take this one. Yeah, you go ahead and take it. Oh, take that store.
01:08:47 Yeah, go ahead and take it. All right, first ones come in from our schmegophomic... Excuse me? Smecophomic daughter, Melinda. Oh, wow. This is kind of gross one Oh, great Is it gonna make me throw out my food so you can eat it?
01:09:00 I don't know. Depends on how much food I have. Yeah? Okay. And how much you don't like smegma. Do you know what that is? Yeah. Okay.
01:09:11 There's another foreskin story, so we're just going to jump on in. Hey, Daddy's and Zaki Poe. I just listened to your episode with the Would You Rather about foreskin fingers. I felt compelled to tell you my four-skinned fingers. to tell you my foreskin experience. Just only sentences you hear on Ken, you don't podcast. For 400. Tell you about my foreskin experience.
01:09:33 So one night I have a man in my bed and we're getting a little frisky. He proceeds to go down on me. Thank you, sir. Thank you, sir. Good day, sir. Top of the day. Afterwards, I think, I'm going to return the favor. Man.
01:09:50 I'm going to return the favor. I scoot over and start grinding on him. while I reached down to check out the merchandise. So we got in here. What do I find? Forskin! I panic. I start yelling that at golf now.
01:10:06 Forskine. But I've never seen Forskin before. I've never had it in my mouth. Me either. We have that in common. I don't even know what to do with that. But I do remember a story on this podcast, or Joe's previous podcast, where a guy thought his dick was getting bigger because
01:10:25 his foreskin was getting tight. Yeah! Turned out, no one had told the man how to pull back his foreskin and clean it. So it was stuck to the head of his dick. Full of smegma.
01:10:42 Oh. Pew. Fuck, no. I have no idea what I'm going to do. Bubbles just came in and ate it. Yeah. Thank you. I could not muster the courage
01:10:53 to put a dick in my mouth that in my mind was crusty and full of cheese. We messed around a little more than I convinced him that I was tired and had to work in the morning. So we just cuddled and fell asleep. His foreskin surprise had just earned him the ultimate female booty call. Poor guy. That is, dude. That four skin will get you.
01:11:17 That is, dude, that would be the worst blue balls. Yeah. You never had something like that happen? well just I mean yeah but like I don't know Coke dick it wasn't his fault though not his fault I mean and I guess in a way it was but getting that's his parents fault getting that flustered
01:11:41 and him going down on her and then getting that he's like all right getting that into it she's rubbing around doing all that and then he's just like nah she's like I gotta work tomorrow he's like it's me isn't it it's my penis It's the four. Anywho, I love you guys. I've been listening since beginning. It's the five skin, isn't it?
01:12:00 There's a lot of skin down there. Zach, I'm glad you're alive. Me too. Thank you for making me laugh out loud at work like a lunatic. Keep on rubbing and a tugging. Your scared, slutty daughter, Mo. Fuck yeah, Mo. Yeah, I don't know.
01:12:14 I wouldn't know what to do about that. As we're learning, there's just a lot of... It's uncharted waters right there. There's a lot going on in there. I don't think people, we don't talk about four skin enough. Not nearly. I think it should come to the forefront. Foreskin, forefront.
01:12:28 Pulling the head back on four skin. That's my TED Talk. Yeah, let's pull the foreskin. Pulling the head back on four skin. Ted X. Slime the foreskin. Ted X. Yeah, it's just a, it's definitely be a TEDx.
01:12:41 I'm not getting a full TED talk with four skin. Sticking with body parts. This email coming in from our son, Robert Roberto. Hey, Daddy Joe and Brian. Uncle Zach, sexy. Uncle Zach. Fuck, dude, he is sexy. Oh, yeah.
01:13:00 My name is RJ. Oops. I'm listening to your latest episode, nip nuts, coy fish, parking lot DNA. And I busted up laughing when you guys started talking about finger toes. I immediately had to call my wife and share it with her. Okay, here's the backstory.
01:13:15 Years ago, she gave me a sexy time nickname of bullet fingers. But that's a story for a different time. I think we get the story, though, I want to hear it, though. He's got that quick flick. Dear Penthouse. Dear Penthouse.
01:13:33 Bullet fingers. Well, one day after doing the old 69, when's the last time you guys did 69? Long time ago. Just your run of the mill? 69. I'd say the early aughts. Fuck, dude.
01:13:49 Yeah, it's been a bit. Like, now you just take turns. Limp biscuit was king. Like, we don't have enough time. We got to fucking lick genitals at the same time. We're busy. We're busy. We got things to do.
01:14:03 Doing the old 69, I'm laying in bed, and I happened to rest my hand next to her foot. And I realized my thumb and her big toe were the same exact size. So I quietly said to myself, fucking finger toes. And in the middle of her sucking my dick, she gags and laughs saying, what the fuck did you just say? So I say, I have to just show you. And I held up my thumb to her toe and was like, you're my sexy finger toe. And then ever since then, there's been our little sexy time inside joke. And I fucking love it.
01:14:37 Anyways, love to show you guys. You guys get me through my long days. The FedEx delivery driver. I love you guys. Daddy Brian. Can I get a macho man finger toes? Yeah. But also down in the Baja.
01:14:52 I'm gonna get the... Yeah. You have macho. I'm all crossed up here. Yeah. Yeah. You're gonna do it for him or is he'll leave my hand. Just give it a skin blue balls.
01:15:06 Ventura loved macho man too. Yeah. P.S. I don't know monsoon. No, I can't do it. Let me know. P.S., what are these days, I'll tell you about how I rubbed a ghost pepper on one of my ex's sex
01:15:19 toys when she cheated on me for her to only end up using it with one of the buddies months later. One of my buddies. Ooh, it's hot, dude. Well, thanks, RJ. Baja. That's it. Brian's not going to do it.
01:15:36 I'm hanging out with macho man down in the baha, eating tortillas. Fingertones. Eating finger toes in the barha. There it is. Well, thank you guys. We love you. Send in stuff. Remember, next week we're going to premiere that new
01:15:52 segment the fuck me therapy so the worst thing that's ever happened to you send it into hey guys at can you don't podcast.com trying to work our way up to go shoot some fucking machine guys! Yeah! So head over to patreon.com slash can you don't podcast. Rate and review us
01:16:08 wherever you listen to the show and a shout out to Uncle Zach. Who? Produced in today's show. Happy to do it. Check out what he's doing at scatcast.com and scat with a K. Don't go to the poop pictures. And a shout out to the babysitters that moderate the can you don't playground on the face.
01:16:22 books on the book of faces. Let's wrap this thing up. Zach, if you'd be so kind. Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? I know there's a lot going on in the world. You guys might have missed this, but you guys hear about the war between Old Navy and H&M? It's horrible.
01:16:41 There's so many casualties. Casual. Casualties. Get it? I do. It's a shirt joke. It's a rare shirt joke. It's a rare shirt joke.
01:16:53 There's only three of them known No demand And that's one of them Yeah, well, it makes sense All right guys, off to the bonus content If you want to hear that stuff Go subscribe on Patreon If not, we'll see you guys next week
01:17:05 Love you Bye Oops What's that
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