Canadian True Crime - Pausing to regroup: sincere apologies from Kristi

Episode Date: January 15, 2023

Please note: it's just for a month - we'll be back with a new episode on February 15.Hi everyone - Kristi here. It's never my preference to miss a publication date, but with sincere apologies, it's become apparent that we at Canadian True Crime need to take a short pause to regroup.We've decided to delay the next new episode by a month so that we can maintain the quality of the show you all want to hear — while also taking care of ourselves. We will be back with a new episode on February 15.In the meantime, here’s a bit of an explanation and update on some things that have been happening behind the scenes over the course of 2022 – professionally, and personally. See timestamps below for today's topics.Thank you in advance for listening, and understanding :)- Kristi-------------------------------------------------------------TOPICS DISCUSSED AND APPROXIMATE TIMESTAMPSFirst four minutes: Short summary of announcement and explanationPremium feed Q&A - email last minute questions to [e-mail] explanation with more details:4:00 Australia Trip recap and observations - the good and the bad9:30 Arriving back in Canada.... and crashing hard12:00 So what happened in 2022 to get to this point? CTC was the number 4 podcast in Canada according to Apple Podcasts and was also Included in CBC Podcast’s curated list: The best podcasts of 2022.The highs and lows of producing longer, more intensive series (Darcy Allan Sheppard & Jacob Hoggard)17:30 The challenges in producing this podcast19:00 Managing a rigid publication schedule while being an agile creator20:30 The complex journey from "nobody hobby podcaster" to "high charting professional podcaster" 25:00 Ethics in true crime - and harm reduction30:00 Selecting cases to cover - ethical challenges 32:30 Final words and thank you - and please feel free to send your thoughts through! While you wait, feel free to go back and listen – or relisten! – to some of our older episodes. They’re all still available wherever you usually listen, or for the full list of credits and sources you can find them on our website at www.canadiantruecrime.ca/episodesListen ad-free and early:CTC premium feeds are available on Amazon Music - included with Prime, Apple Podcasts, Patreon and Supercast. Credits:Writing and voice: Kristi LeeAudio editing and production, theme songs: We Talk of DreamsProduction assistance: Jesse Hawke Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi everyone, I hope you're well. I am now back from Australia and I know it's a bit late to say happy new year now so I'll just say that I hope your 2023 has gotten off to a good start. The main reason for this message is to tell you that with apologies we won't be able to return with a new episode until February the 15th. The long story short is that I'm suffering from exhaustion and fatigue and I just need a little bit of breathing space from the publication schedule. I will still be working behind the scenes trying to get ahead and building up some lead time

before we start up again but more importantly I've passed the point where I should have paused for a bit to make some decisions about the best way to move forward with this podcast in a more sustainable way. This year was a bit different for Canadian True Crime and I know that many of you noticed. Basically I bit off more than I could chew with a few cases and that made it very difficult to stick to the publication schedule at some points. But I'm happy to tell you that last month Apple Podcast released their best of 2022 lists and Canadian True Crime was the number four podcast in Canada for the year and the

top podcast that was actually produced in Canada. Obviously I was absolutely thrilled about this and it's mind boggling to think that the podcast was started in a suburban closet by someone with no public profile and no support from any existing broadcaster. I'm quite frankly in a state of disbelief but thank you so much for listening and for all the positive ratings and reviews and the feedback. This couldn't have happened without you all tuning in to each episode. Now last year we did do several longer series that were more analytical and journalistic

and I know that many of you enjoyed them and want more but I also know that there are other listeners who don't have a preference for that kind of coverage and I've been asked questions about whether this is a new direction that the show is going into. So on a personal level I established some very unhealthy work habits that have resulted in my current level of exhaustion so no this is not a new direction for the show as much as we can help it anyway. If you're interested in more details and more of an explanation about all of this and what's been happening behind the scenes keep listening and see the show notes for timestamps

for the things I'll be talking about today which will start in a second with a bit of a debrief and some observations from my recent trip back to Australia. Regardless of whether you keep listening or not the main takeaway again is that we'll be back with a new episode on February the 15th although we will be doing a re-release or two before that with an introduction or some kind of update in each. When we return with a new episode I'll also be providing an update on what might be changing with the podcast and the publication schedule. And if you're listening on one of the premium feeds stay tuned because I'll be doing that

Q&A I promise like six months ago. Next week I pinky swear guarantee it. So sorry. If you have any last minute questions that you want me to answer please email me ASAP at canadiantruecrimepodcastatgmail.com. Before I continue on a human to human level thank you so much in advance for your patience and understanding with this hiccup. It is never my preference to miss a publication date I hate looking dodgy and typically when

things like this happen I'm able to scramble behind the scenes to make it all work but evidently when you miss the time when you should be waving the white flag your body will step in and make that decision for you and there have been quite a few things going on in the background that I wanted to tell you about. But first the Australia trip because it kind of leads into everything else. So as you know my family and I spent three weeks in Brisbane in December. It's the first time that we've seen our families in five years and it's also the first time that we've spent Christmas there since we moved to Canada 13 years ago.

And of course it was absolutely amazing. The weather was lovely and not too hot and most importantly our kids are now old enough to really appreciate spending that time with their grandparents and cousins and aunts and uncles. My little Canadians are now saying that they want to move to Australia one day which for me is absolutely terrifying in a very ironic way. Because it's been five years since we were there there were many noticeable changes. Everyone's talking about Bluey which I believe is the Australian version of Paw Patrol.

There's also some new youth culture called Eshays and everything I've learned about this is against my will but it's guys who wear sports polo shirts and joggers with bum bags or fanny packs and can often be found at malls or train stations and they also speak to each other in pig Latin. Now I thought it sounded a bit comical and ridiculous but apparently they're robbing and assaulting people doing violent home invasions and stealing cars. But back to the good things about Australia. We loved all the lizards.

It seemed that everywhere we went there was some bearded dragon or blue tongue lizard or gecko side eyeing us. There's all the Aussie bakeries and the flavoured milk like banana and lime milk. In fact all the food is really great. I loved the fact that taxes are included in the price tag instead of here where you don't find out what you'll actually pay until you get to the checkout. And of course because Australia pays its servers a living wage there is no tipping which makes things a whole lot less complicated.

We did make quite a few observations about the roads. Here in the Greater Toronto area most of the cars are newer. They're mostly white and black and grey and there's a lot of SUVs and minivans and those massive North American pickup trucks. But in Queensland at least it's noticeably different. It's like a rainbow of colours, shapes and sizes. There's bright colours of the rainbow. There's more wagons and sedans and lots of older cars including cars from when I was

a teenager that are still really well maintained. With no snow the roads don't need to be salted and that means less rust and cars that last for much longer. And while I'm talking about roads, boy was driving a car different and intense and it's not because I was driving on the other side of the car on the other side of the road. I am more than used to switching between the two and other than the odd car park. I typically have no problems with it. In Australia there's always been a massive emphasis on not going over the speed limit

and people are given hefty fines if they're caught going more than 10% over. I once got fined for doing 66 kilometres in a 60 zone. So it was always pretty bad when I lived there. But things have gone into overdrive now. There are speed traps everywhere, police roadblocks and mobile speed cameras, permanent speed cameras and even cameras that look into your car and will find you if your passenger doesn't have their seatbelt on properly. It's also illegal to have your cell phone resting on any part of your body as you're

driving so if you're spotted by a camera with your phone on your lap you will get fined. And the roads have multiple speed limit changes so I found myself having to be constantly on high alert, looking at the odometer to make sure I'm driving as close to the posted speed limit as possible which I'm not sure is good for road safety. And if in making an effort to drive exactly at the speed limit you inadvertently go a bit slower than it, you won't be getting a fine but the person behind you will likely start tailgating you. Overtaking a car on the highway is also not fun.

It takes a long long time to get past a car doing 95 when your focus on passing it while not going over 100. I found it all quite unreasonable to be honest and if I had more time I would love to look into the stats about whether all this obsession with road safety actually bears out when it comes to road safety stats especially compared to a country like Canada where we have similar rules but there's a more reasonable application of them and more leeway to travel with the flow of traffic but I digress. So trips back home are great but they are not relaxing vacations there's just too much

excitement and things to do and see. But this trip had an additional layer of stress because there was a COVID wave happening in Brisbane and the morning after we arrived two immediate family members that we were staying with tested positive for the first time. It was most unfortunate timing obviously but there wasn't much that could be done about it. So from that time my little family was doing everything that we could so that we didn't catch it and spread it to the other side of the family that we were staying with next

because there's a senior family member there who is immunocompromised. And after a few days we did come down with some symptoms but tests kept coming up negative which was incredibly frustrating. After nine days in limbo with no improvement we saw a doctor and were diagnosed with strep throat. In the end we didn't spread COVID to the other side of the family which is great but the whole thing was a little bit stressful. So we arrived back in Canada just before New Year's and I had to get back to work the next

morning to make sure I had an episode ready for January 15th. I don't know what I was thinking in setting myself that schedule. Jet lag it's no joke and I forgot how bad it can be with those trips to an opposite time zone. It's not so bad going there but when you return you're already exhausted and then your body spends about five days telling you to sleep and wake up at the most bizarre of times. And so you have to be disciplined about not napping during the day and then going to bed at a normal time and then not letting yourself sleep in and that of course includes the kids.

So it took about six or seven days before we were sleeping normally again but the built up sleep deprivation kind of becomes exponential and a bit debilitating. So I was trying my best to finish writing an episode but no matter how long I spent at the computer my foggy brain kind of struggled to find the words I needed and it was just taking longer and longer and longer with no end in sight which made me feel completely exhausted and frankly quite depressed which I've learned is also a symptom of jet lag. But I realised that if I didn't do something make some kind of change I was dangerously close to starting the year already burnt out which would be a disaster for me, my family

and the amazing creatives who contribute to this podcast. The jet lag wasn't the cause of my burnout and exhaustion but it did make it worse. The truth is that I was exhausted before we even left for Australia. I was already behind on my schedule and the morning that we left for the airport I was still finishing off the maple syrup heist episode. In fact I forgot to pack my kids toothbrushes. But that brings us to the next thing I wanted to touch on. I've had to pause so that this exhaustion and fatigue doesn't get worse and completely

debilitate me but during this time I desperately need to make some decisions about how the podcast is going to move forward in a more sustainable way. 2022 was quite an eventful year for this podcast. There were high highs and low lows some of which you saw but a lot of it was behind the scenes. So when it comes to the highs I mentioned earlier that Canadian True Crime came fourth on the top shows in Canada for 2022 according to Apple Podcasts. It was also included in a few other best of 2022 lists based on follows, number of listeners

and the completion rate which is the number of listeners who thought the episode was good and listened right through to the end. That's amazing news and what's even more crazy to think about is that the three podcasts above this one on that list are all from the United States, Smartlist, The Daily and Dateline NBC. Another high from last year was finally making it onto CBC Podcast's best podcast of 2022 list specifically for our series on convicted sex offender and former headly frontman Jacob Hogart and that brings us to the next thing.

Those longer series is the podcast going to be going in a different direction. So from our perspective, the two big series that we did last year, Jacob Hogart and earlier The Death of Darcy Ellen Shepherd were massive highlights for the year. While I knew going into it that both of those series would be intensive, neither of them were intended to be as long as they ended up being so I kind of wanted to explain a few things about what went on. In the case of Darcy Ellen Shepherd, I did the series with the approval of his father Ellen Shepherd who I was checking in with a lot and as the series was being released,

people started to come out of the woodwork behind the scenes. I try to work as ethically as possible and in true crime I believe that that includes balance and empathy and making sure that important context and nuance isn't glossed over and simplified for the sake of entertainment. So as new people came forward and new things were pointed out, I felt it was important to incorporate as much of the new information and interviews as I could into the episodes as I was writing and producing them. So the series blew out and I worked a lot of extra time to make up for it and keep to

the publication schedule which wasn't healthy. But the end result was that Darcy Ellen Shepherd Part 1 was the number one Canadian true crime episode for the year. The episode with the highest amount of downloads and while every series that I do loses listeners with each episode, a fair chunk of the original listeners did stay tuned until the end. For me, one of the most fulfilling aspects of this podcast is being able to help those on the victim's side to have their voices heard and to tell their truths. And that was the end result of that series for me.

Now when it came to the Jacob Hogard series, I followed the trial quite closely and I was frankly outraged at the way it went down and the level of disrespect and cruelty that the complainants had to endure, both from members of the public and the defence. So I really wanted to use that particular case to explore those themes and I knew I wouldn't be working with the complainants because they're anonymous under publication ban so I thought that it would be a simple process. But again, without giving too much away here, People of Interest contacted me very early into that series being produced, which meant more information and more analysis and the

series blew out to more episodes. And again, I was scrambling at the last minute, working in very unhealthy ways to have episodes ready in time. And I do have people contributing to each episode. I credit them at the end, I have an audio editor, I have writers and researchers and a production assistant, they're all freelancers. And when I make decisions based on my interpretation of ethics and what I think the right thing to do is, I don't like to shift the burden onto them.

So I just kind of retreat into myself and turn into a workaholic just to get it done. So that's what I did, but I will say I was not miserable. In both of these series, I was following my own interests and passions and I felt lit up. And again, the most fulfilling aspect for me is being able to help those on the victim's side to feel heard and to give them a voice, which is exactly what ended up happening. And I also heard from many, many sexual assault survivors who felt heard and had their own experiences validated.

So both of those were highlights for me in terms of work that I'm proud of. But in doing all that last-minute scrambling, I pushed myself a little bit too hard and I kind of ended up with a disaster on my hands when it came to work-life balance. And that brings us to the next thing I wanted to touch on, which is that I need to make some changes to the podcast because it's become a bit unsustainable. Because as I'm about to explain, while I've gained more confidence and experience over these last few years, the process of producing the podcast hasn't become any easier. It's actually become much more difficult.

And I want to stress that I am not complaining here because, frankly, the situation I find myself in is of my own making because of my unique issues with perfectionism and trying to please everybody. But in general terms, it is becoming almost impossible for me to balance the expectation of producing this podcast as ethically as possible, while also producing a consistent supply of new, full-length episodes released regularly on set publication dates without delay. And there's a few reasons for this.

The first one is that the publication schedule is one that I've had since the first year I was podcasting. And I said it, so it is my fault. But when it's a standalone episode, it's typically fine. And I'm able to release an episode on the official publication dates, the first and the 15th of each month, without too much of a problem. That is sustainable, even when one or both of those episodes are a little longer than an hour.

But when I come across a case that needs some extra care and attention and can't be told with the necessary nuance and context in just one episode, I am faced with a problem. My stated publication dates are two weeks apart, the first and the 15th. But that is too long between parts of a series. So the last few years when this happens, I've chosen to release both parts a week apart. So on the first and the eighth of the month. But that still leaves me with the 15th, which means I have nothing to release. For a number of reasons, I haven't ever had the time or headspace to figure out how to

better manage this. So again, I just kind of sucked it up and turned into a workaholic to get it done. But last year, because of the kinds of cases that I chose to cover that had specific themes that I wanted to raise awareness of. It ended up happening a lot more than usual, where I had to scramble at the last minute and it's not a great way to work. So I need to figure out a better way to manage that. And there's something else that factors into this whole complex situation.

And this is also a little complicated, but I'll try to simplify it. So when I started this podcast, I had no previous experience in content creation like this. It was a hobby. I wanted to teach myself how to create a podcast. And I've never really released anything into the public sphere. I've never been an influencer. I've never had social media outside of my actual friends. So it has taken a while for me to work out healthy ways of processing criticism and constructive

feedback. And I'm someone who believes that learning never ends. So I'm always trying to improve and grow. And I'm also a perfectionist people pleaser, so it's in my nature to try and keep everyone happy. And that often happens at my own expense. So in those early years when the podcast started blowing up and more and more critical feedback started coming in, not going to lie, it stung.

But I was also spurred to start making changes and improvements to what I was doing. One person thought the music was too loud, so I turned it all down. Another thought I was speaking too slowly, so I narrated faster. Someone else thought the introduction was too long, wrote a shorter introduction. A handful of people complained that the bass and the theme song made their car stereo speakers rattle. So I got We Talk of Dreams to compose a brand new theme song. When I released an episode I worked really hard on and was really proud of, it was crushing

when listeners would point out things that I didn't even realise I'd gotten wrong. The things I didn't pronounce properly, and that's not even including the really mean-spirited feedback. To be honest, it wasn't until after I started seeing a therapist in 2020, for the first time, that the reality of the situation finally hit me. I was destroying myself trying to keep every listener happy, and I realised that no matter what I do, I will always fail, because it's impossible. With hundreds of thousands of people listening, I literally cannot tailor the podcast to an

individual's personal preference. Now these days I've learnt how to analyse feedback. Which feedback requires an immediate change? Which feedback doesn't but is good to keep in the back of my mind for next time? And which feedback is just personal opinion or projection? I know that no matter what I do now, someone is always going to tell me that they don't like it, and it's taken a lot of work but I'm okay with that now. But that doesn't mean that I don't care what people think.

I can't please everyone, but I do want to try and keep as many listeners happy as I can. So here's the thing. In getting to this point in my journey, the process for creating an episode is now far more complicated and involved than it ever was, and it's taking far more time to produce every episode, mainly when it comes to the writing. The first year I was podcasting, I would start each episode like a total newbie, with a fresh mind and only my own standards and goals to live up to which are already fairly high just

because of my perfectionist tendencies. But now, when I start each episode, I'm pretty much coming up to it dragging a giant suitcase around that contains all the different pieces of feedback and criticism I've received over the years. Gotta get this right and that right, gotta make sure it builds just the right amount of suspense and mystery but also presents the facts in the correct order. I've got a consult with that person about firearms and asked this one about pronunciation. The process for creating an episode is long and drawn out now with multiple script edits

and proofreads, content consultants and even a pronunciation coach. And we still always get things wrong. Now those additional layers and processes might not have been necessary for Canadian true crime and it was just a hobby podcast with a few hundred listeners. But now that the podcast has this high profile here in Canada and there are so many critical ears listening, it's important that we treat the subject matter with the seriousness it deserves. And that brings us to the next thing I wanted to touch on when it comes to the difficulties

and complexities in producing this show, which is the ethics of true crime. I'm not ashamed to admit that I was naive when I first started this podcast but it wasn't long before I realized the weight of responsibility that comes with being a creator in the true crime space. There is no escaping that we're essentially presenting the most horrific day of a person's life as an entertainment product. And some creators may operate with more integrity than others but at the base level that is the reality of the situation.

In recent years there have been increasing discussions about the ethics of true crime and what an ethical true crime creator should and shouldn't be doing. They are incredibly important conversations and I've been listening intently in my constant efforts to learn and grow. We know that there is a lot of good that can be done by an ethical content creator. They can raise awareness of an unsolved case helping the family and we've seen how they can spur renewed interest in a case or bring up fresh leads that can result in an arrest or a conviction.

They can also give survivors or loved ones or victims a voice, a chance to have their story heard by a sympathetic creator focused solely on them. It doesn't make their pain go away but it can be cathartic. So when it comes to ethics and true crime, I'm obviously aware of the best practice of reaching out to the families of the cases that I want to cover and getting their consent or approval beforehand. It sounds so simple, just reach out to them. And so I started to do that where appropriate but I've learned that just the process of

getting that consent or approval often results in causing harm. Because for every family that is okay with being contacted, there are many others who are definitely not and they are not in the minority in my experience. Families might be just trying to survive and deal with their grief and trauma in their own way. It might have been 10 or 15 years since the crime happened. They already spoke to journalists and they're now in a particular place in their grief and when you intrude into their day and inadvertently dredge up their trauma yet again, there is

the potential for additional harm and re-traumatization. I've also learned that those on the victim's side are not a monolith. They haven't all had the same experience and they're not all on the same journey. So they don't all need the same approach. The most common thing I hear from them is that more often than not they just want to be left alone to live their lives. They don't want to be bothered and my contact out of the blue has triggered them. So as much as I try to create this podcast ethically, the reality is that there is no

one-size-fits-all approach. Every case needs to be evaluated separately. What's the purpose behind telling this particular story and what are the risks of harming someone involved, whether you reach out to the family or not? The victims and survivors obviously have to be the first priority. They have to come first and occasionally I need to make a decision with an episode so that potential harm is reduced or removed. Even when I am actually working with a family, I have to remain agile to deal with situations

as they come up and be prepared to make the right decision and pause production of an episode. That will often cause behind the scenes chaos and setbacks in the production process, which again causes me to scramble. In cases where I haven't reached out to a family, it's usually because there is no public way to contact them that I've found or that they appear to be private people or because the case is older and I don't know if it's appropriate to disturb them. But because this podcast has a high profile in Canada, I know that when I release that

episode, there's a chance that the family could soon find out about it. And when they do, they see it's not just some random podcast from a different country telling their story, it's Canadian true crime. And I have been lucky that in the vast majority of cases, these families who've reached out to me later have been complimentary about the episode. I'm always willing to make any changes as requested and I'm also willing to remove the episode no questions asked, although I haven't ever been asked to do that. But when all of this is taken into consideration, selecting which cases to cover is a very hard

prospect. I've stopped covering cases less than 10 years old unless I'm working with the family or in a special circumstance like the Jacob Hogard case where all of the complainants were under publication ban. When it comes to cases older than 10 years, if I can't find contact details for the family or if I decide it might not be appropriate to contact them, if I do go ahead with the episode then I'm not considered to be operating on an ethical basis. But the other side of the coin can often be worse.

If I do make attempts to contact the family and that contact is unwanted, it often causes harm and retraumatisation. And if I'm honest, this kind of response has been increasing as the conversation around the ethics of true crime has gone more mainstream. Families have endured true crime YouTubers for example, doing 20 minute recaps of their tragedy, sensationalising the most heinous details and leaving out all the nuance all wrapped up in a clickbait thumbnail of their loved one alongside a picture of the YouTuber looking shocked.

So when they receive a message out of the blue from another content creator like me who wants to cover their tragedy, I can't blame them for feeling a certain kind of way about that. Even if I do believe I have good intentions. Even I want to say that I'm not complaining here, but it is the reality of the situation and as someone who chose to insert themselves into this space, I think that it's a reasonable burden for me to bear. But what it does mean for you dear listener is that this all contributes to the complexities in creating this podcast and the difficulties in balancing listener expectations with the

behind the scenes reality of trying to operate a true crime podcast that is as ethical as possible and causes the least amount of harm as possible. And as I said, when these situations arose here and there, I've typically handled it by scrambling behind the scenes by myself to sort it out and keep the mess behind the curtain. But again, last year there was far too much and my work life balance toppled over. And that is why I was already exhausted before we left for Australia and why I've sort of been forced to pause at this moment and make some decisions about the future.

So with that, I think I've spoken for long enough and it's time for me to get back to work. Again, thank you for your patience and understanding as I take a month to set myself up a bit better. And if you have any feedback about what I've been talking about today or any personal insights, I welcome it. If you're the victim of a crime or you're the close family member of one and you've got thoughts about how you would feel if someone like me messaged you, I would love to hear it.

This is a very important conversation, one that I intend to keep revisiting. Thanks for listening. Audio editing and production was by We Talk of Dreams who also composed the theme songs. Production assistance was by Jesse Hawke. I'll be back with an update and a new episode on February the 15th. See you then.