Cancelled with Tana Mongeau & Brooke Schofield - 105: WHY PAIGE IS FINALLY QUITTING WORKING FOR TANA...

Episode Date: December 12, 2024

Paige is quitting working with Tana. Did Tana fumble meeting Chelsea Handler? Lume: As a special offer for listeners, new customers GET 15% ALL Lume products with our exclusive code - and if you combine the 15% off with the already discounted starter pack, that equals over 40% off their Starter Pack! Use code [CANCELLED] for 15% off your first purchase at LumeDeodorant.com Seatgeek: Code CANCELLED10 for 10% off on SeatGeek Tana Mongeau Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/tanamongeau/ Tana Mongeau Twitter: https://twitter.com/tanamongeau Tana Mongeau TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@tanamongeaulol Brooke Schofield Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/brookeschofield/ Brooke Schofield Twitter: https://twitter.com/BroookeAmber Brooke Schofield TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@brookeschofield1 Brooke Schofield YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCzCVovj7tfqnV2lIkaVk35A Produced by: https://instagram.com/oscaralva

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From tires to auto repair, we're always there, treadexperts.ca. Hello and welcome back to the Canceled Podcast. Ooh, that one was good. That one's crushing it. Crisp. I felt it in my, never mind. Your ooshy-gooshy? My ooshy. And demonetized immediately. I have like the most insane set of the giggles right now. I'm trying to suppress them.

I love when you have the giggles. It makes me have the giggles. Okay. I'm trying to like have her airdrop them to me right now. I need to get the gigs. You're going to get the gigs and the gags. I believe in it. Okay. I'm trying to like have her airdrop them to me right now. I need to get the gigs. You're going to get the gigs and the gags. I believe in it. Okay. Okay. I just want to apologize to the two of you right now for the first 20 minutes of this podcast.

It's going to be about one thing and one thing only. And that is Chelsea Handler. Oh. No, please. I love you. It's just, I have to get all of this off my chest. First of all, I think I'm claircognizant. Huh?

What? Like clairvoyant, but claircognizant? Yes. It's like one step down. It's like baby clairvoyant. Because just things keep happening. And I'm going to get into really what I'm thinking. I'm starting to think I'm psychic, which might mean I'm teetering the line of skits and you need to send me away.

Yeah, I was going to say. Yeah. But see, like I knew that helicopter was coming. And I knew you were going to say that. And I knew I was going to miss the joke. OK, I love Chelsea Handler. Right. Like I love her more than anything in the world.

She is my idol. She's always been my idol. I grew up on her like she she really is it's so different than like an Adam Sandler or a Justin Bieber to me like it's like she's my idol you know what I mean like she's similar to you in a way like you could like look up to her in that like I could actually be this yes like whenever anyone's ever asked me like where I want my career to go normally I don't really have an answer but like the closest answer would be Chelsea Handler like I love her so much and I think she just shaped who I am as a person like I grew up with Chelsea lately on in the house and that was like she just

like my personality I think everything that is my personality that has made me succeed has come from me being shaped by Chelsea Handler and this is all just like I don't know like a whole thing I'm not even like a bookworm but like Chelsea Handler drops a book I'm reading it six times like I just I love her so much I do remember that book phase like we're reading that book like front to back six times a week like it's just life will be the death of me it's her best book but okay anyways and even just lately in life just the past couple weeks I've been more focused on her than like ever like randomly a couple days ago too like I sent Jordan a bit moji and he like responded and he said something about

Chelsea Handler and he's always just like compared me to her and like whatever I've been on a lot of calls about my book so I've been like really referencing her like a lot on these calls lately like whatever and we're in Vegas I was supposed to fly home on Sunday at 2 p.m. And the night before I texted Paige and I was like, hey, can you move? At 5 a.m. The night before it was 5 a.m. Oh, man. Sober, too. It's just crazy.

But I text you and I'm like, hey, can you just move my flight to later? I don't pick my flight. And like normally I feel like I will send you like the flight I want to get on. But it was like giving lotto. Like you just picked a fucking flight. And like I ended up getting on it, like whatever. And I woke up yesterday before my flight. And the first video on my For You page was a video of Chelsea Handler.

And like she hasn't been on my For You page in like weeks. And like it was the only TikTok I watched yesterday. Like I was just doing shit all day. And I sat there and I watched that TikTok in full. And I just thought to myself, like God, I really fucking love Chelsea Handler. Okay.

I packed my little shit and I gassed it to the airport and for some reason as well and like listen to how out of character this is for me. Okay. This is arguably the most out of character thing

literally ever, but all day I feel like you, I'm like in living in stress that I need to be early to this flight. Oh yeah, that's weird. Something's going on. going on yeah get her the meds Makoa like literally said to me he was like this is so out of character for you like and I'm like I'm rolling all my shit hours before my flight

like how out of character is that for me like I I've never seen you do that once literally in my entire four years and it's it's a jet suite so you really only have to be there like 30 minutes before but for some reason i'm just like airport traffic it's stressing me out that never stresses me out i'm like holiday traffic i'm like i have to be so early and so i pull up to this flight and i'm the only person in the jet suite airport i am earlier than absolutely everyone on this flight i'm sitting there i'm twiddling my thumbs staring at the fucking wall like i'm in jail like and i'm like why like why did I do this to myself you know what I mean and I'm sitting there I'm doing my thing and I'm I can't I'm like I really can't I'm like so flustered about it after like 20 minutes go by a few people shuffle in and I look up and like 10 feet from me is chelsea fucking handler and she's like she's so close

to me she's like where like bb would be like in that chair no like from me and i would know that woman anywhere like mccall was saying like he didn't recognize her he doesn't know who she is like to anyone else it's just kind of like a blonde woman how could you not know who she is i didn't even have i know i didn't even have to look at her face for more than 10 seconds i was like that oh my god and i don't ever act like this either like I literally was like fangirling yes like I grabbed Makoa I'm like out of my own body I'm like oh my fucking god like I just I can't believe it like what are the fucking odds and like you having changed my flight I wouldn't have picked that flight I think that's like that I'm like maybe I'm the

clairvoyant here yeah right I just I wouldn't have picked that flight i think that's like that i'm like maybe i'm the clairvoyant here yeah right i just i wouldn't have picked that flight i would have picked a 7 p.m flight i would not have picked that flight and i'm like what are the fucking odds and it's like the only flight leaving so i'm like we're on the same fucking flight i'm about to be on the same fucking flight as chelsea handler and i'm like i'm losing my mind and so i'm like i have to walk outside like i can't even like be in the same room as her right now I need to gather my thoughts like I'm not gonna be okay McCall was like do you want me to come with you I'm like no I literally need to be alone you're typing up like an Adam Sandler note part two I literally thought about saying that to her I swear to god I was like I could

just repurpose this I walk outside I start immediately bawling like I'm like I cannot believe it like hysterical she's like and I'm my flight's not for another 20 minutes I was like yeah that's usually when you get there you're like and I'm losing my fucking mind I'm like oh my god and I'm just like coming to the conclusion that like I can't say anything to her like I don't know What to say no like I just I don't Because it's like like I love my fans so Much and I love that they come up to me But I also can respect and understand That there are people like that and I

Don't want to be like parasocial with Chelsea Hamler at all but like she is Like like the one of the main reasons I'm such a stan of her is because she's Like that bitch like she's scary like she's like you know what I mean yeah and I'm just like she's so in her zone on her phone and I'm just I'm trying to think of what I'm gonna say to her and then there are there is one more flight so now I'm like what if she's on a different flight than me and this is my only opportunity

and I'm just like I'm sitting there I'm trying to figure out what to say and it's just like she's heard it all before and like I just I couldn't think of what to say that like you know what I mean that but it is so crazy that like the universe put this thing right in your path and you still didn't act on it it was like yeah and imagine if the universe was like damn bitch I gave you one shot yeah like sitting five feet away from you it's like dangling the carrot all you have to do is just bite I know but then it's I just genuinely and I don't know her so it's like maybe I'm completely wrong but I just feel like there was anything I would say she would just say thank you and I would walk over and I would sit back down like she doesn't know who I am and it like it just it didn't feel like the moment and I also feel like

it's like a Sunday after the holidays in Vegas you're traveling like what if she was just in her own zone right I guess but then it's almost like more peace of mind for you if you did do it. Because it's like even if you didn't get the reaction from her that you wanted, it's like at least I did it. At least I said it. And if it's that like, oh, she doesn't know you. It's like she's not going to really like she's not going to see you again and be like, oh, that's the girl who talked to me on the flight.

That's what I'm saying. And like if I ever ran into her again like that. No, I think that's comforting. It's like, oh, she won't even remember this anyway yeah but I had the interaction gone because I obviously I'm sitting there and I'm playing out how this interaction can go a thousand times over and like had it gone the negative ways I'm realizing like if I walked up to Adam Sandler and he told me to fuck off like I think I could stomach that like because it's different I love his movies I didn't realize that until yesterday like yes it would hurt and I would

make a whole to-do on the podcast about it and like you know what I mean but like if Chelsea Handler told me to fuck off like I would have to quit my job and Hollywood and everything she means too much to me like you know what's so crazy I was just The other night When I was falling asleep It was probably The same fucking night I had like A YouTube Podcast up

And there was this Like Therapist And she was talking About anxiety There's a five second rule Right And anything that you

Want to do You have to act on In five seconds or less Because by the time You're over five seconds That's when you start To think about like The what ifs

And you start to like Trick yourself Can I tell you something That would ruin my life By the time you're over five seconds, that's when you start to think about like the what ifs and you start to like trick yourself. Can I tell you something? That would ruin my life. It's supposed to help. I'm like, it's supposed to help. So it's like I were to act on something without thinking about it. I already do that as is.

But at least no, at least a good 20 seconds. No, but it's after that five seconds that you start to like do the self-doubting thing. So it's like if you had just act acted on it, like in that time frame, you would have done it, not even thought twice about it. But the longer that you wait, the more you keep like psyching yourself out and like mulling shit over. You're right. And I think that's amazing advice for the average anxious bitch.

But like for me, like people would be dead if I lived by that. But anyway, so I just I get to this point where I play out every scenario and I just she's sitting there in the airport and like I just I don't want to do it right and so then I realized the flight starts boarding and she's on my flight oh and I'm like holy fucking shit like I have the opportunity like I don't know like maybe I'll say something on this plane like when we deboard whatever right I make myself the last person on this flight because I'm freaking the actual fuck out I've never felt like this in my entire life by the way like over anyone like even Bieber like even us being in the same room as Adam at the people's it was so different like I've never felt closer to my fans either because it's like

anyone else I'm a fan of it's very different like the things I would say like I love your like your work or whatever like I really the things that people come up to me and say is what I would say to her like you fucking raised me. Like you made me the person I am. Like and it's not like I'm a fan of her because of like a great movie. I'm a fan of her because of her and her inner thoughts. I know her fucking dog's names. Like I know everything about her, you know, and it was just I don't know.

And we get on this flight and it is a 20 person flight and she is sitting in jet suite planes it's like well you know how it's one row that's singular yeah so it's like what it's like one whole row of singular seats and then there's a tiny little aisle and then there's two seats so it's like one aisle two three you know what i mean she is in 4a and i look down at my fucking boarding pass and i am in 4b at this point i'm, the universe is pissed off at you because they're like three times in a row. Literally. I've given her this opportunity and she's just blowing it.

I know. Like next thing you're going to spill your drink on her. I know. I know. And so I sit down in my fucking seat. I'm 4B. I kid you not. Like you and me are further than like her and I were.

Like this aisle is so small she is literally like this like actually this much space she is in 4a and I'm in 4 fucking b and I'm just sitting there and I'm like thank my biggest flex is that my peripheral vision is so amazing like I can see what Erin's doing right now like and I'm sitting there and I'm just like watching her in my peripheral I'm freaking the fuck out and I'm trying to figure out what to say but she's just she's sunglasses on she's on her phone like we get up in the air and i would have airdropped something to her no but see no because it's like that's that's so violating but then say it was an accident it's like oh my god i'm so sorry are you iphone 42 it's like god how did i know it's so good how did i not think but i wouldn't have done

it i honestly wouldn't have and then we take off and it's a night flight so the the plane is like pitch fucking black right and so i'm like i'm not about to fucking turn to her she's like taking photos of the sphere and sending it to someone my peripheral was so good i'm so creepy and i'm just sitting there and i don't go on my phone one time. Like think about how out of character this is. I'm sitting there just holding my breath. I'm honestly going to full transparency. I chewed a fucking Xanax. Like I was losing my-

To muster up the courage. I'm sitting there shaking. Chewing is crazy. Shaking. Yeah. I'm seizing. Like I'm shaking, trembling. Like I've never felt like this in my entire life.

Makoa's like, are you good? No, I keep crying. Like I literally keep tearing up. I don't know what to do. I'm losing it. And I sit there the entire flight just staring into the distance trying to figure out what the fuck to say to her i'm texting whitney cummings i'm like whitney what do i fucking do but even whitney was saying like chelsea's scary i like you know what i mean like do it and she's amazing like say something but like i don't you might not like

get the response that you wanted yeah I do completely Understand why you were Apprehensive but also just Like oh I wish you did just For like all of us she Doesn't order a drink she Doesn't order food she's in Her own zone we're in the Pitch black I can't figure

Out what to fucking say but I'm like is this fate like I've prayed my whole life For this like I really have Like prayed like if you Told me yesterday literally If you told me yesterday literally if you told me yesterday morning like you are going to sit down on a flight with chelsea handler and say absolutely nothing to her i would beat the shit i would beat the ever-living fuck i would curb stomp

that version of myself i really would yeah you were texting me you're like what do i do what do i say i'm like tana go fucking talk to her say something i said the same thing you don't i just but i couldn't figure out what to say yeah and she genuinely i felt like i have hours of things to say or nothing to say do you know what i mean and it's just like i could she just seemed so at one point you guys at one point she sneezed and i'm sitting there i swear debating no i'm trying to say the words bless you and i'm like just barking at her i literally just bled a little i couldn't even muster out bless you no like i couldn't even say bless you like and it's just like where is 16 year old me that would like go up to like the rock and fucking chest bump him you would have you would have

asked her to like be a part of tana con 100 where is drunk me who would have been like you're my best friend you're coming to posadana with me i was hoping you want to go to Italy Come on Oh you need to I almost texted you that I almost said relapse I know I literally debated it Makoa ordered a fucking Scotch and Coke

And I was No I swear to god I have never been so close To a fucking relapse Like I just And I was just trying There's so many stories That like she's told

That like are about flights That I'm trying to think of Like there's this story Chelsea Handler told In one of her books where she was flying with her dog across the country for like a holiday and the dog starts freaking the fuck out on the plane. And so she has dog Xanax to give to the dog and she gives the dog a dog

Xanax, but then she takes the dog Xanax too. And she like goes home for the holiday and the whole holiday weekend. She's with her family and she's just barred out on dog xanax and i like i almost like brought that up like what but i'm like that's just so creepy like i just i couldn't yeah it's like of all the instead of just hi you're like actually i remember that one story you do she's like okay super fan no literally like i'm her biggest she's my idol and then yeah I mean she gets off the plane I'm so I'm so like acting the story no no I really I really truthfully believe the universe is gonna

bring you back to her but I think it is gonna be you're gonna be not regret this because I feel like it's gonna be in a setting where it's like we're with Whitney or something and she'd be like oh this is I truly truly hope one day I can tell her this story. She'll see this. I'm gonna send it to her. I on her email. I left and I got in that Uber and I literally just uncontrollably sobbed the entire car ride home. I was like heaving like so sad.

That's so valid, though. Yeah. And I'm really so sad. But I just I couldn't I couldn't think of what to say I like I didn't know what to say I also think there's like such a part of me that's like I don't want to meet my idols like if I were next to Taylor Swift on a plane I don't even think I would say anything I would do what you did I think I would sit there and just be like holy fuck holy fuck like internally freaking out and I wouldn't say a peep because what you're saying is like you would never have this reaction to anybody and I find so much value in being a fan i love to be a fan i love to feel that and like it's almost like

the second you meet somebody like the magic almost goes away i don't think that wouldn't have necessarily happened here but it's like like you said i'd rather just like pretend it never happened yeah i was saying that to makoa last night that it's almost like it made me almost never want to meet adam sandler like it's like it's nice to have that like fangirl feeling like whatever you know what I mean I thought I would never have the opportunity to potentially even meet her like it is nice to just have that feeling I don't it just like I think everything happens for a reason and like that you can argue that that was fate and that was my moment but it's just I had to go with my gut and my gut didn't feel like it was like the right

time to say anything. Like, and maybe I will die and like regret it. There wasn't anything to say. And she was just like, so in her own zone. And I just didn't want to fucking bother her. And like,

I don't know. I just like, this is what I will say. If you see this bitch again, she's not a bitch. I love you so much, Tulsi. If you see this woman again and you don't say something,

then you have to just die. I would kill myself. I really do think the universe is going to bring you back to her. I really do. I think you're going to be a Bravo toast one day and she's going to be there and you're going to have to say something. But even then, I was really thinking like, okay, if it's a Whitney's house moment or like a Tim Dillon's house moment

or like if it's if it's a moment where it's right but it's like I just couldn't I don't know I like be that person I don't know how she feels about people coming up to her and especially just during traveling and like yeah that's a tough time what if it was like remember when we did the same venue as Jerry Seinfeld on the same night yeah like what if it was like remember when we did the same venue as jerry seinfeld on the same night yeah like what if it was like that because then it's like oh she knows like you're doing a show and like maybe she's more like oh like this maybe i would everyone that was giving me advice because i was texting everyone it was so weird i went to text jordan and his last text to me was about chelsea handler and i was like this is so weird like i was texting everyone for advice and um a lot of People were saying go

Up to her and tell her You have a really big Podcast and like Whatever and I'm like I'm not fucking doing That like I'm that Bitch's son like you Know what I mean like

I'm sunned by Chelsea Handler like I'm like It's like I wouldn't Have this podcast if it Wasn't for her I Wouldn't be I just The domino effect of It all is so fucking

Weird I know so weird Like missing the flight Like texting me at 5 a.m. to rebook it. Like, what are the odds? It's so weird. And, like, that being the only video I watched of her that day and, like, how much I've been talking about her recently. I've also, like, just back to my clear cognizance

and then I'll literally, like, shut the fuck up, seriously. I've been having this reoccurring dream that I get cast in this movie by this specific network to play a stripper right like in i keep having this dream and i've like never had this dream before and i like over and over again and i've like woken up from it several times i told mccall i was like i keep having this dream and you know how i feel about acting i don't act like whatever and i get this call like a couple days ago asking me to be in a movie essentially by this network that I've been like having this dream about with these like actresses that I love

to play a stripper so fucking crazy yeah you are I think that's just clairvoyant this shit happens to you like on a minor level too I feel like just randomly I like I'm always dreaming something and then it like completely happens or I'm just thinking about something and it completely happens and it's so weird. But like, what are the odds that I'm having this specific ass dream

that I'm cast in this movie by this specific company to play this specific role? And then I like, I keep having this dream and then I get the call. Yeah, that is so crazy.

God, I want you to get that so bad. I just want to go on record really quickly and say that I have been having dreams about Alex Earl getting on Dancing with the Stars. And and if you if she's on this season mark my words i said it first we're rebranding the podcast i'm not i'm not kidding i really like i

feel like i'm having premonitions it's so weird that is crazy i could completely see her doing that but i love oh my god that's like i i'm i think the reason I'm just sitting here like this is because I'm just so jealous. Like, and I don't want to feel jealous of you, but I love her. Like Chelsea lately, it was up.

I was literally up all night watching Chelsea lately. Like she's just the fucking best. I've watched her architectural digest like a million times. And that's how I decided like, she probably wouldn't like me because she's literally like, she's like, my nephews live here. I hate them.

Like it's just, that's that being I Hate them like it's just that's could That being her energy exactly I just Didn't want to be that person and I love That about her that's my favorite thing About her but I just like oh this little Fucking blonde bitch like sitting next to Me on a flight I want to be just like You like I can see her making so much

Fun of that like I got like her next Skit yeah like oh my well that would Just be an honor even when we were at The ranch a couple days ago Someone at the ranch Was named Chewy And I went on this whole tangent To you about how Chelsea Handler Had a co-host named Chewy

For so long Like I've been talking about her So much more than I actually referenced her Recently too Because she has a bit About Bernie's Mountain Dogs And how she has

A Bernie's Mountain Dog But she had to buy A used Bernie's Mountain Dog Because celebrities Are not allowed To have designer dogs Because you have to adopt a dog And I'm like That's so relatable Because now I have a designer cat And everybody's like Mom shaming me about it Like I can't believe Bernice Mountain Dog because celebrities are not allowed to have designer dogs because you have to adopt a dog. Yeah.

I'm like, that's so relatable because now I have a designer cat and everybody's like mom shaming me about it. Like, I can't believe

you got a cat from a breeder. And I'm like, it really is. Like, people really do get really mad about that. They do.

She was right. Yeah. Had to get one used. I keep bleeding. I thought I found a used one, but apparently not. I'm bleeding too.

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Yeah, maybe you would have like, like I think I literally, if we made eye contact, probably would have been like. You know? Yeah, I sometimes do that to people. If I see them and I love them, I'm just like.

Yeah, throw like a little heart. Like, so then it's like, you didn't bother them, but they like, you acknowledge them and they probably feel good about it. Yeah, like I would have, it just,

she didn't look up. We didn't make eye contact. God sentelsea handler to tana on a flight and sent me chris delia on like i'm just hurt what did i do have we ever talked about that like we flew on the same flight as chris delia and we're all sitting there holding snapchat to our head like it says like we're canceled too i had a sign that was like meet me in the bathroom in five i forgot we were all on that flight just fucking with chris delio but that was weird because like we were all going to like somewhere so random like yeah it was like it was like milwaukee and it's like what is he doing and it was like we were flying out of like texas it's like what is he doing going from texas to milwaukee probably

the same thing we are i just thought about another premonition that happened to me in Vegas that I need to talk about because I've been meaning to tell you about this. So I've said you guys can cut me off at any point. No, I'm loving it. Sorry. I love this movie. I'm serious. So I've been in Vegas a lot, right?

This was not this past year, but it was the trip before that. I went and played in another celebrity poker tournament. Played like ass, by the way. Might need a new fucking hobby. I'm serious. Like it was one of those where i felt like an athlete and i walked around i was like bad game out there on the field like it wasn't even like the water boy now it wasn't yeah it wasn't bad luck like it was dead

bench me like my like bad choices letting bryce hall whoop me too like just tail between my legs anyways we're at the tournament right and like a lot of people Go and don't play Like it's just open bar And like fucking Wagyu on plates Shit I'm okay You never told me that That's why everyone Comes and watches me

Like my friends Aren't that supportive Like you know what I mean Like they're supportive But they come Maybe that's why Your mom came Right like to get

The fucking open bar And some food I'm not kidding And so yeah Everyone just like Goes and vibes Like there's a lot Of people not playing

And every time There is this guy there Right Right. And he kind of looks like a little baby mini Conor McGregor. OK, little redhead, like weird dude. Right. And people get blacked out because of the open bar. And he's always this guy is just hammered. Right. And he's always in a loop. Every time I see him, every single time he comes up to me and he tells me that he, too, went to Green Valley High School. Right. And then every single time I tell him, single time he comes up to me and he tells me that he too went to Green Valley High School right and then every single time I tell him I'm like oh my god like when like did we go at the same time right like big high school like maybe we went and I just didn't know you and then he tells me that he graduates 2010 and then every single time I tell him that I was in diapers

you know what I mean when he was in high school like we literally didn't even fucking go at the same time at all and it's like we have this and Then he's in a loop so He keeps telling me that Every single time and Every single time we Had the same conversation I'm like I didn't go I didn't go with the

Same time as you go Gators no you know What you're supposed to Do this is like talking To a person with Dementia you practice Different answers until You get to this like

Quickest result you Start telling him you Did not go to Green Valley he knows I did He knows I did Oh He knows I did Because he leads with it Right And then every single time

He asks me for a selfie And then I take the selfie And then he goes over To Amari And then he asks Amari If he can take a selfie With me Even though he just

Took a selfie with me And then Amari tells him Like sure she's down For a photo And then I take the second Selfie every single time And then he tries To introduce me and amari

Every single time are you saying this Man is so hammered that he's like he Keeps doing this yes i respect it and Honestly we've all been there that's Very true me and then but this happens Every time as well so it happens in a Loop okay a million times but it also Happens every time every poker

Tournament and for some is his Consistency for some reason so i'll Always take the selfie Like a million times But I get like a really bad vibe From this guy Like really bad vibe Like scary or just unsettling?

I don't Like nothing more Like just a really bad vibe And for some reason This last time It was like way fucking worse Like and he goes to ask me For the third selfie

And every time normally I play into it And I just like I take the photo And I like whatever right And for some reason In my mind this time like and he goes to ask me for the third selfie and every time normally i play into it and i just like i take the photo and i like whatever right and for some reason in my mind this time my brain was just telling me like get the fuck away from this guy get the fuck away from this guy now now now and you know how i am yeah when like yeah when i get one of those thoughts like i act on it almost too hard like i grab my shit and immediately just like mid him trying to do it I like run away I grab my shit I leave celebrity poker I leave Makoa behind I leave everyone I

like run out of there like I don't say bye to everyone like normally I exit and say bye I say thank you like whatever right I leave immediately that's just what my brain tells me to do and I go to my room and like I'm gonna bleep the person's name I'm about to say but like 20 minutes go by and I get a FaceTime call from all my friends and everyone is freaking the fuck out okay everyone is freaking the fuck out and apparently right after I left he walks over to and does the same exact thing and then she like takes the photo and then he asks her again and she like doesn't want to take the photo and he punches her in the stomach. He decks her in the fucking stomach like killed over punches her in the fucking stomach.

What? And like. You're lying. No, I swear to God on the Bible. I swear to. Like actual. Punches her in the stomach. Yeah.

Celebrity poker. They call the cops. They're asking if she wants to press charges like this whole fucking thing. I have chills right now. Like I. And I like knew something bad was going to happen happen and like that would have been me if it wasn't like do you know what i mean god how crazy isn't that so weird who is he where did he come from no one knows like no one does he have a connection to anybody is he playing in the

tournament no one knows what no one knows that's so weird how fucking weird is that and then of course she's just being so funny. She doesn't care at all. She goes back to play poker. She thinks it's Conor McGregor. She's on this whole fucking tangent telling everyone that Conor McGregor punched her in the stomach. Mmm. Mmm. Dinner.

Good eats. You're like, my compliments to the chef. Wait, I'm... Wait, what's on your hair? What is that? It's like a dole sticker. It says 107788. Do you think that means something?

Maybe. Hold on to it just in case. I have to hold on to this. Because now what if something happens? See, I don't know if I'm schizo or if I'm psychic. I don't know what's going on. But that's crazy. You are clairvoyant. Honestly, can you tell me what's happening for me next?

I just don't know how to explain that. I get these feelings that something's going to happen and then it happens. Do you think it's like, is it chicken and the egg? Is it like something bad happens because you think it's going to happen? Maybe like you weirdly manifest it. You know what's weird? Me and Tana were like having this whole conversation in my car the other day. And I was telling her that before I worked for her, before I even moved to L.A., I knew who she was. I wasn't like a crazy big fan, but I was like, I'm going to work for Tana.

And I knew it. It wasn't like a big thing. And I just like knew in my bones. I was like, I know I'm going to know her. And then sure as shit, we were talking about like the domino effect and everything that happened that led up to me working for her but it was so wild like moving to LA I didn't have a job car suitcase like nothing no money and then I end up getting paired up with my random roommates I didn't know them my roommate just so happened to know Kyla like because she worked for Lana Rhodes like the series of events that led us together was so

insane that it's like i i have to believe that it's fate because it can't be coincidence yeah i agree with that completely i really do it's so weird like even just like i would have had to met jake who's brothers with logan who's friends with mike who was dating lana rhodes meet lana rhodes who would then then know Olivia to then know you Like how weird is that like the just The domino effect of my life my roommates Were completely random I had never met them in my Entire life that's so just so happened I

Met my roommate Emily through my friend Nikki Who I met out here like The series of events was just Too crazy I Like that though that makes it like more special It's like um it does like being like with being with a partner oh that's really sweet that is really sweet should we address your uh quitting allegations not quitting allegations dude we i posted my vlog for like two fucking

seconds that page is like moving on it was so funny i was cracking up when you just all of a sudden are sobbing your eyes out people including, including her, are acting like I'm dying. I know. I literally feel like you are. But like, I know. I think it's more exciting because I feel like you're going to have like more time to be like a friend. But no, I swear to God, I'm getting DMs like, girl, I'm so sorry.

I heard the news. Hope you're OK. I'm like, what? You're like, girl, more than OK. No, I'm like, yippee. No, I'm kidding. It's yippee is crazy. No, but it's No I'm like yippee No I'm kidding It's Yippee is crazy No but it's not

It is yippee Like Because it's like How long is she gonna Pack a suitcase for Vegas That's what people Don't understand Is it's like

Of course all of the They see the Just like the good They don't see like The dirty work Like they So much like Heavy just like work

Yeah I've been telling Everyone like I think the average Lifespan for an assistant Is like a year to a year and a half. I've doubled it. Like I've doubled that. I've been February will be four years of working for her. I remember your first day.

Oh, that's cute. Which is just like I'm getting past my expiration date. And like I've been talking to her about this. We've been talking like we know we need to hire someone new. And it's like nothing. There is literally nothing bad Everything's good it's just like Starting a company together and like I Also think that there's like a world

Where you do like executive tasks like Shit like working with brands and shit But like you're done ordering blue vapes And I respect it like I was saying to T2 I was like It literally has Nothing to do with you Chris Jenner Could come knock on my door

And be like I want you to be my assistant I'd be like I'm tapped out Like I'm just getting To the point where it's like I want to Have my own like time

And like life back Because it's like Being an assistant My life revolves around her I'm with her every single day It's like I prioritize her And that's just

The name of the game Of like being an assistant Yeah you have to You're literally getting paid To run someone else's life Yeah Her I'm with her every single day it's Like I prioritize her and that's just The name of the game of like yeah you Have to you're literally getting paid to Run someone else's life yeah I'm and Like that's tough I'm trying to point Out and then like I've just had moments Where like I step back I'm like wait I Just want to like put more time into

Myself and be able to like do my own Things and I love you so much that you Deserve that like holding anyone hostage And something that's no longer fitting For them especially someone that you Love so much like you deserve that like Holding anyone hostage in something That's no longer fitting for them Especially someone that you love so Much like you don't want to do it well And I was saying like I love her so Much I would never leave her high and

Dry and just like okay I'm quitting bye Like I want to make sure she's set and She has someone that she can trust and Is good to film my shoot you know what I Think needs to happen I think yeah That's the problem is they are like It's like such a Like it can't just be anybody

Because we had so much fun with you But I feel like we should all Be sitting like On a little panel And doing the interview process Like they have to do A little dance They have to

Tell us how they would react In like A, B, and C situations Like I don't think anyone That's why I was crying I wasn't crying Because I don't think

I'll have a great new assistant I think that the A, B b and c of the job can be done by a lot of people with experience I think Kyla was an amazing assistant I think Natalie was an amazing also two of my best friends still you know what I mean yeah I don't think anyone will I mean obviously you're my best friend and my soulmate I don't think anyone will ever have Paige's personality like the Makoa always talks about this like genuinely like the levity That you bring to like Hard situations And the humor Like that's why I was crying

Cause it's like I'm gonna be an hour long Car rides with someone Who is just never gonna be As fucking funny as you You know We're also the same Where like if we're in

A shitty situation And we're both miserable We're going to use humor Every single time To cope through it Like we're cracking Our best jokes When we are like

Peak misery I agree And that's a hard Trait to find for sure like it's just Yeah it is so funny we were like I'm Excited for you to spread your wings and Fly exactly I fly to my house you're Saying board yeah I'll have time I'll be Over every day no but guys I'm not dying

Like I'm not going anywhere I'm always Gonna be around your tick tocks right Now are like I'm getting like really Insecure and not I'm not going anywhere. I'm always going to be around. Your TikToks right now are like, I'm getting like really insecure and not. I'm not kidding because it's like, I've never met someone funnier than you. Like the things that you think about. No, like I'm like, how did she,

how did that come to her brain ever? It would have gone everywhere but in here. But some of like my best work, I feel like doesn't get the recognition it deserves. And it's always like my stupid TikToks like I'm not even thinking twice about that You killed me with the Trojan horse the other day I'm like That was like my best work I got like three likes

Too smart for the room No you know what and just wait they'll notice you eventually Like it's I feel like they're gonna come back and be like this is the funniest person I've ever seen You taught me about the Trojan horse I didn't know anything about the Trojan horse until you I didn't know it was the size of a 7-Eleven. Oh, I think I was like being a little facetious. Oh, it's not.

It was big, though. So again, that's the problem with me. I was like, oh, my God, a 7-Eleven. And so they all just got in and they were like, yeah, we got to hide. Yeah. They like. And then we're going to pop out. The Greeks and the Trojans.

I don't even want to bore everyone. Greeks and Trojans basically greeks get in big horse statue as like war peace offering trojans are like fuck yeah bring the horse in they bring the horse into the city and then at night the greeks all hop out of the horse and like kill everyone and win the war like that's so that canceled podcast history lesson we do this all the time And never even one time Have we been correct about anything Makoa was Oh I'm probably so wrong I was like editing the podcast

No I think you could slay it Last night and Makoa Was in fucking tears at us Trying to talk about people on the moon Like I'm done Oh I know I thought I slayed I was like

I was really trying to like Spit facts at Tana And I said like Lance Armstrong Landed on the moon Who was the guy Who literally had like The yellow

He had testicular cancer Yeah he was the cyclist and I don't know why I referenced the testicular cancer before the cycling no but it was important to fame well it was it was like I just remember the yellow bracelets that was like such a big deal the guy with the ball cancer like he's literally like a fucking athlete and like such an amazing One Holy fuck I can't stop with my ball Obsession by the way I've been begging Makoa to let me acrylic paint his balls As like pumpkins or something

Like I love balls I know I just I wrote it down to talk about again I talked about it last Week but it's like Greg posted on his story Last night he's like this is what I do for Work and it's just a video of us being like yeah I got Teabag this morning I think balls scare me I love I just want to do this I love so much

When I'm really sad I will like that You know what I'm saying like oh like What's that like like a little you know What I'm saying like a little stress Ball yes like a stress ball I love Balls I'm not gonna do it again But I'm just serious If I acrylic paint

Makoa's balls Though everyone Will be hearing about it What are you gonna Paint him into Well I'm just I'm adding that to like I'm

My new bit is like Things I want But he won't let me do I'm asking for For Christmas As a part of my Christmas gift Like I'm gonna put

Mascara on him I'm gonna paint his balls Like I'm so As genius You should make Like a coupon book And like you You can use like Today I get to tie your

Balls in a knot and paint them as a Globe like actually I'm not you know fun Yeah that would be cool did you have you Guys well you're you'll appreciate this Did you know that if you were to flatten Out the earth and then draw a little Outline around it makes a cat wait I Didn't know that

I love that that's cute i have something that i'm dealing with right now that i can't tell if i can tell it without sounding like just an asshole okay story of my life i have this girl that i was friends with in seventh grade okay i went to like a k-3 school for only one year seventh grade and she was my friend she was two years older than me like we we hung out all the time whatever like really close at the time but one year literally never saw her again ever okay years later she's in prison with my mom starts writing me letters about how like my mom's her prison mom it's like a it's a thing whatever years after that she's in prison with my sister which is just a coincidence like that i can't even believe that that's true but it is she's

like pregnant in prison with my sister my sister's telling me all about her and it's like just like a strange thing i've never heard from this girl again that's like a book title what's that what's that book writer who wrote like it ends with us colleen hoover very colleen hoover pregnant in prison with my sister right but she so i i never saw her again that was like that's all i knew of hers that she like ended up getting really badly into drugs went to prison a bunch of times whatever and recently well like 2022 she started messaging me crazy on facebook asking me for money and i was like first of all don't have any second of all what do you mean i haven't you're also tapped out on your list of donors yeah i'm i'm good on my supporting of others thank you yeah but she's like asking me for money and so i'm just like

ignoring her obviously because i'm like what i don't want to say no but also like i haven't even seen you since seventh grade yeah the brook of wish foundation is getting out of hand and you guys i'm not kidding now at this point she sent me probably like a hundred messages in a row like novels like you haven't even met my daughter yet i can't believe it she's five and you haven't even met her yet what why would i have met her you know what i mean like i haven't i've only i haven't even met my daughter yet i can't believe it she's five and you haven't even met her yet what why would i have met her you know what i mean like i haven't i've only i haven't seen you since seventh grade and so then she reaches out she reaches out to my sister and sends my sister a novel and she's like brooke will not talk to me now i don't know what what i did to her what is going on and stuff but in my head i'm like it's just like kind of like making me feel really weird

like i don't want to you know what i mean like It's like stalkery. Yeah, and it's so bad. She's sending the line. She's sending my sister novels. She's sending me, like, the craziest voice memos, like, ever. And they're so eerie, like, the sound of her voice. I almost, like, I feel like it's mean to play it. But we can, like, warp it. We can, like, warp it.

Because I want to hear. Well, since you won't answer, I guess I'll just say, happy birthday this way bitch if you could like hit me up that'd be really cool because like like it sounds like i'm joking like yeah it's been a while and it's so and it's just like it's so much like it just like never stops and she sent my sister all of those she kind of sounds Like she's on drugs but it also if she's not it's just really creepy it's giving like Nora She for sure is but then I'm sitting next to BB last night she goes do you know this person Turns over her phone and she's sending BB novels like no like I know Brooke's your best friend

Like she was my best friend growing up and now she won't talk to me and stuff and I'm like I haven't even seen you in 15 years like it's just like it's it's scaring me and i know it's like she probably just wants to talk or whatever but it's like like it's the entitlement like you haven't even met my daughter like no no no but it's like a there's a psychological term for that like you know what i mean like where like you guys met in seventh grade but now she has this crazy attachment because she's seeing you online like it's that's there's a screw yeah and she's like i'm just trying to be a good sister like i'm just like really weirded out by and i'm like wait i just feel like you're

the type who's eventually gonna like send her money or something and i swear to god if you come back here and you tell me that you cut that bitch a check i'm gonna square up on you like do not respond no not this time but like oh god're going to like make plans to hang with her. Really unsettling. I've had my fair share of a stalker. But like even just like your neighbor. Like you have such a weird thing with like women that like have met you that do the weirdest shit. Like. Yeah.

And I have like a weird blind trust thing. Like I don't know why I have like the opposite of what you have where I'm like I'm never really hesitant. I don't know. I'm never afraid of people like doing me wrong or anything for some reason, even though I have a lot of reason to believe they will. And I wish I had any sort of survival instinct at all, like maybe you should avoid this person. But instead, I'm like, can't block her.

You're like, what's the worst she can do? Yeah, it's just awful. Yeah, that's terrifying. My list of topics is so funny It says her name And then it says Mom shaming Pap smear

Mouse ate a carrot Bottom of my feet are cracked Boob job What do any of these things mean Talk to me about your pap smear My pap smear I wanted to talk about my pap smear And this is why

Okay because I just turned 28 A couple days ago And it was I am ashamed to admit This was my first ever pap smear, which we are supposed to get them at 21. I was going to say, you're like damn near 10 years late. I know. Well, ask your friend here if she's had a pap smear.

See, and listen to me right now. This was your story. I know, but I'm just, it's only because I don't want anybody out here, any of the canceled girlies to get cervical cancer, okay? If you think about it, Makoa's in there paping and smearing yeah he's pap smearing you um but everybody made me so afraid of it and everyone's like it's painful like you can feel them scraping inside i'm not even kidding i hadn't maybe this says something about me but i had no clue oh no no no no she even pap smeared me the clamp the metal clamp she didn't clamp me no no

no they all yeah when they stick the thing in and they crank your vag open they go how open i don't know open enough to like get in there i've actually been trying to get looser that's a whole thing no mine was like a just a little i'm pretty sure she just like stuck a swab no so what they do they put the clamp in and then they open it and then they take the swab and scrape your cervix. I feel like I would have noticed that. Maybe you just got pap swabbed. No, because I asked her.

I mean, I paid for a pap smear and then I like I had to get my blood drawn and it's a whole thing. Apparently, I have all sorts of issues, but it's because I thought I had an ovarian cyst and I'm still pretty convinced, but I got to get off WebMD. Yeah, I know. Yeah. Oh, my God. But it wasn't hard. ovarian cyst and i'm still pretty convinced but i gotta get off web md yeah i know yeah oh my god but it wasn't hard what my point is stop telling people it's hard because you should go get one

immediately oh no but i'm gonna be honest with the people i hate get it get it done but oh my god i hate it something about like the guy now and like the reproductive i just feel like we're at a point where we can my little legs were up i was looking at the pink ceiling I was Having it was so it was so sly honestly No I just think we're at the point where There's got to be at home kids like we've Got 23 and me like why can't we have There are there's like a TV and there's A STD tests you can do at home and stuff

I thought about that but then it's like I want to know right in the moment I Always go to this place like same day Health because it's like they tell me The same day like give me a three times Mirror a pair of tweezer man tweezers And a cotton swab and i got this shit like i i think it's kind of like take your best guess like you can pretty much infer

like what's going on down there page you're gonna love this what oh shut up it's literally mur. It looks just like her. That is Murph in his pocket. I love pockets. I love pockets. I want to get a second one. Name it Pork Chop. Okay, just be careful. Do not pick one up at the Grove.

No, I would never. People still think I made that up. Picking him up at the Grove? Yeah, they think I secretly bought him from a breeder and pretended I stumbled upon him. Which I low-key get. Like, I get why you would think that. But buying a cat at the Grove

Is so you Like I can't express that I have a question though And like I got You know people get really mad at you Like I People are mad at me for

Buying a Bengal But nobody gets mad at people For buying golden retrievers And that's a dog from a breeder And like a purebred dog That's true I guess it just doesn't give like You're right

Like just socially It doesn't give breeder It's just like Like designer cats Like usually they're like Unethical breeders and stuff so i get i understand it for sure but like yeah i want to take up chihuahua so bad but i know i would get cooked so i'm just hoping one day i stumble upon well i really did stumble upon one at the girl but now it's funny because like the the breeders who gave it like he they made me think like oh this is a once in a lifetime opportunity this is the last one he's so small he's so calm lies and it's crazy you see like 10 more i'm pretty sure

he was like sedated no there was one at the grove the very next day and i'm like oh my god i got absolutely i got got but then it's funny because they follow me on or i get their tiktoks all day their account is foreign bangles stop and i'm not kidding like like mouse used to be a trapper like there's like videos of him like on top of lamborghinis and stuff like with his little i'm like i'm like oh fuck like they they honestly ate me up like i want a hundred percent this was not a good idea he's so cute and he almost died have you been should we talk about butterball turkey gate what's that oh you don't know about butterball turkey gate no what happened the employees are

fucking the turkeys workers at the butterball turkey factory got caught up dicking down the turkey why is that not even like the crate like i almost am like yeah no men yeah like honestly that's what it is like it's like that You say oh a man Got caught fucking a turkey And I'm like Sounds about right That's so fair No offense Aaron

I'm not fucking turkeys I know I'm just But you're a man They're really They're fucking like turkeys They're fucking couch cushions Yeah if it has a hole

Honestly I'm not gonna lie You told me that you Fucked a couch cushion I'm not fucking turkeys It was a throw So It was a throw pillow actually but you you burnt a hole in it and nobody nobody here forgot about that yeah but turkeys is crazy dude i was like telling all my guys i draw the line the turkeys is definitely where i fucking

draw the line and that's like it's dead so what is that what do they call that no no no like the live turkey oh what I thought they were Fucking the the the butter balls like the We know fuck a live tur no no they they Like this is sad I don't want to say Finger but like yeah well what are you Getting from that oh that's awful it's Disgusting and they're like abusive with

Them they're like wait that's so sad oh That's awful yeah the turkeys they're like abusive with them They're like Wait that's so sad Oh that's awful Yeah no The turkeys are like gobbling around Like it's not bad enough That they're gonna be fucking laid out On somebody's table

A couple days from then But you know what Oh it's way less funny It was never funny But like Yeah I don't know Immediate retraction and apology But there's one thing

Cause I brought it up To my guy friends At Friendsgiving And they were like Like I was talking About them Like fucking the turkeys And a few people

Were like Like a few people Chimed in To say that they Could see how That could feel good I really want all men To be honest

And like tell me The weirdest thing You've put your dick in With you know Within reason Yeah Nothing crazy If I had a dick though

Like remember those fucking things Yeah, what's the first thing You would put your dick in If you had one Those water things Like the early 2000s That's what I think of When I'm thinking about balls

Yeah You know what I'm talking about When it like And it just keeps going Or like Just like, yeah Like Vaseline Like a big tub of Vaseline

That's like too like I feel like that's too thick Like that's, yeah It's not enough I need more speed Yeah Yeah Speed for accuracy

Apparently that happened In 2006 Oh What the turkeys Yeah the whole Oh and it's just now Catching virality Yeah

That'll happen Also no one Comment on my bangs I'm getting a lot of Comments being like What did you do Queen cut your hair At 3am

Yes Oh my god Did you cut that With the lights off Yes So glad we I love your bangs So much

And when you told me That people were Up in arms about it I couldn't believe Also imagine being Up in arms About somebody else's haircut I mean

They're kind of I love them No I think it's giving Like Angelina Jolie And um Girl Interrupted Is that it Yeah

No it Reminds me of the little girl from pulp fiction i thought you're gonna say monsters inc she's also not little girl oh yeah um winona no is that who's in umma thurman umma thurman yeah you know how do i mix them up always who boo for monsters inc and umma thurman yes is that not the craziest thing but yeah no they're kind of a slide i want to go shorter it's like a little i know you want a micro you could pull it off 100 i just that's me all of a sudden up in arms over somebody else some people don't get it though here's the thing though that you know what scares me

that and that's how i feel about a lot of things i want to do like bleach brows even me being brunette i genuinely feel like i would have to be like tanned with makeup at all times. Like, like, would you like micro bangs off the wake up? Hell no. You would have to style that every day. Yeah. And that's like I could never keep that up. One time I parted my hair with scissors by mistake.

Brooke Amber. And it did it like straight like it gave me a little mohawk. Like one time I filled in my eyebrows with a chainsaw. Like what's up? Well, it straight like it gave me a little mohawk like one time I filled in my eyebrows with a chainsaw like what's up well it was like it didn't see if it didn't seem like if I was not gonna do this like why would it cut my hair it does you're welcome oh my god don't part your hair with the fucking kitchen scissors but I made like a little a little mohawk down my head and I would wake up every morning it would just be standing straight up I feel like that's what would happen to me

With micro bangs well I know I was so Scared these shits were gonna like as Someone who has micro bangs now that I Think about it due to my due to my Bleaching they do stand straight up Quite frequently yeah I'd have to like Slick it down yeah people are really up In arms that I won't go brunette cuz I'm

Like growing out my roots right now and Like do you ever saw It would just be so good It would be so good I have seen the fan edits On TikTok Of like you with brown hair Kind of eats And it always

Like whenever a blonde Goes brunette I'm like oh my god That's so Paige Lorenz Just went brunette And she looks amazing I'm like not opposed to it

I think I'm gonna have A wig week Where I try out Different browns You did that And you hated it And it was like So amazing You looked perfect

The only thing I will say It's like you losing Your blonde Is like Ariana Losing the ponytail That's true It is like It is so like you

And like We would stop having Like such a Like a contrasting Contrasting dynamic I just think it really is Even with the edits Like I don't think

I look bad brunette When I'm tan and glam But I think that When I'm like Just bopping around like hair sticking up like whatever Like my blonde almost saves me do you know that's the exact reason I didn't want to be Blonde anymore because when I didn't have makeup on but I also have like a different Complexion than you but I looked so washed out because I was like I was the opposite I like looked better blonde without makeup really Because okay well this is this is what I Compare it to have you ever taken a

Photo standing in front of a white wall Versus a black wall like you're standing Against the white wall you're gonna like I feel like you see every imperfection On your face and stuff against a black Wall your eyes look like so bright and Your skin looks perfect and everything Like that's what I feel about darker

Hair it's like I'm on trash only I look Mousy I look like life sucked out of But I but the reason I like that's what I feel about Darker hair it's like the contrast I look mousy I look Like life sucked out of me But the reason that's true for me is Because I have like freckles and like I'm Low-key like pink I have like a gingery Complexion so I feel like it's just different Very pale

I don't know Like the black hair But also like I just know like Everybody know that I do know the difference between the color on my hands and the color on my face that's yeah i just want to talk about something really quick i do have a tattoo on my hand that says nerby and i meant for it and you know what this is page's fault because page and i like page wanted to get tattoos one day randomly we're walking down the

street in new york and she's like let's stop inside this tattoo shop she gets the most perfect flawless gorgeous crisp tattoo and it cancels out the big fat honker on my back and i get my first tattoo ever which i should get i decide to get on the most visible area of my body red ink though is why i'm scared really, I love, I do not regret anything about the red ink. No, but you just can't remove red ink. Oh, that's perfect. Okay, Nerby. Anyway, it says Nerby.

Fully loaded. It says Nerby in like, and what's crazy about this. I'm sorry, fully loaded just like got used to my eyes. Go ahead, Nerby fully loaded. let me tell you what happened to it's like at this the girl who did it was so nice and honestly i love it so much it's perfect but she she told us after the fact after she had she had tattooed murphy on me and bb she told us yeah i'm still training i'm an apprentice no that's diabolical that's something you need first of all if you're not going to disclose it before you give me the tattoo don't disclose it after you know what i mean like that's just reckless that is really really really really

really that's i went like this i was like but in the moment i was like oh it for sure says murphy my guy literally sat me down on the table whipped out his ipad put on rick and morty i go oh i'm about to get The best tattoo of my life It was so loud too I was like what's going on In there Meanwhile I'm like

Yeah that looks right Like no it doesn't It's like one of those It's kind of like Laurel or Yanny It's just It was like all my comments Too were like girl

Like It's giving That's not all my comments too Were like girl Like It's giving That's not quite right And I was like You guys are just a bunch of haters And I'm looking at them like fuck I was looking out for you It's giving gold dress or blue dress though

Because if I squint my left eye I see Murphy If I squint my right eye I see Nerby Anyway I love my cats Nerby and Mouse The Y is fading

It's just going to be Nerf I know Nerb Nerb You could maybe have someone Just like retrace that And like really put emphasis on I think I'm going to

But I just am afraid Of making it like blown out But I honestly Like what's worse Like Having it just like Barely visible And it says nerby

Or like Having it be dark I've never gotten a good tattoo In my life I'll tell you that much Every single one of my tattoos Is either A. Not what I wanted

Or B. Like I wish someone Actually dragged me out of The parlor by my scalp i think going into it you just have to like accept that though but it was my first and only tattoo i'm ever gonna get in my entire life so like set your expectations low both of these tattoos for my dead people i like really wanted to be thin like this this one is by romeo lacoste and imagine that too i'm just like He gives me the tattoo And then he gets so caught up

And I'm like Oh great What happened What'd he do I wanted it to be Like almost as thin As your Murphy Like a doodle

Of a four leaf clover Like done with a pen Like thin And then he gives me The Pixar stamp Like and then it's like Even just this I wanted like a thin little

It's like filled in Yeah Yeah like are you fucking Like it literally looks Like a fucking Stock image stamp Of a fucking Four leaf clover

Okay that's a good point At least mine's got Some thin lines Yeah like I can't Pointing in the wrong direction Right Is it too late

To talk about Zach Bryan Like is it just dead and gone It is because This episode comes out In three weeks probably I just Can I make fun of him For one thing very quickly

Yeah wait did you see The What That was horrifying oh him on stage oh my exes hate me and my friends on piss me off yeah like no but imagine that dead ass like in a silent kitchen at night like that yell from that little fucking toad gremlin i would be so scared she should have drop kicked him she's tall i just wow um no abuse is never right this ufc fighter named david onama went out to fight and then after his fight breeze at this fight to talk about clear cognizance talk about coincidences after his fight they ask him like what he's so excited to do next and he's like i'm so excited to see zach bryan here in this arena

right and then he starts getting cooked online because it's like during all of this shit. Right. So then he comes out in an interview. Sorry, my lip is flipped. I'm not. I can't. My flipped lip doesn't allow me full. I'm discouraged.

He comes out in an interview and he says that Zach Bryan's team paid him to fucking say that after the fight. Let me. He's so messy like including the contract some sort of like non-disclosure like he's fucking this up left and right but honestly so it's first of all so funny and so embarrassing how fucking embarrassing but imagine being free and watching that clip from the podcast him being like well yeah you pay me to do it i would be fucking cracking up jack no i would jack off to that But it's just like how fucking embarrassing

Like you had your And like think it's like You need so much more than a UFC fighter Saying that right now You need like maybe a Times Square billboard Like I don't even know Like it's just like there's no marketing ploy That can help and then getting caught up

Like that is just so fucking embarrassing He's like I don't't know who that is and then He says in the same podcast he's like I Love Morgan Wallen though and knowing Zach Ryan's up in arms over you know What I had what theory I had almost Though like and I know I'm probably Making this up but how funny would this

Be if he actually from like wasn't paid By Zach Brian at all but Dave Portnoy Like gave him a bunch of money to say That oh like to say that that's amazing That's yeah because the Morgan Wallen thing I'm like Dave has to be behind this that would be like genius level it's insane that's what I would do if I had Dave Portnoy money I would be doing shit like that like just the most petty things ever 100% did you see me in Dumois no what Paige had her big Dumois debut oh yes who is was Who were you with? Deux mois debut Oh my gosh Deux mois

Okay so I went with my roommate Olivia Right And Thomas Their old tour manager Was like I'm gonna be

I love two camera I just had to clarify For the people He's like I'm gonna be on tour With Declan McKenna Who's opening for Sabrina So if you guys wanna come

To the concert Let me know I'll get you tickets. I can't believe I didn't take advantage of that. Well, I thought it was like just being nice. I thought it was one of those things like, oh, my God. Yeah, totally. And then I was like, you know what?

Fuck it. Let me text him. See what it's what it's about. I texted him the day before I went and I was like, hey, can I get tickets? And he's like, absolutely. Pick them up at Will Call tomorrow. You're all set. I'm like, fuck.

Yeah. Amazing. He gave me two tickets i was gonna bring tea and then she's like not the biggest carpenter no that is not what happened at all i love sabrina carpenter literally so much this was a carpenter yeah but tell me why my defense almost makes me sound worse i'm like i just didn't want to get mobbed no real i'm like but james charles was there was he there amongst the the normies oh damn I don't know just Every time I go to a concert I feel like I need to bring security

People do weird shit to me and I feel like everybody's Dressed up as Sabrina I feel like you could have honestly Just slayed it like all you had to do is put a bang On and everyone would have been like oh my god I have a Juno outfit I want it to go bad too Wait really I thought you were saying like oh take someone Who like appreciates it more no my Social battery was just on zero and like I don't

Like going in a place where I know I Might meet a lot of people who support Me and I can't like give them okay fair Fair sorry scratch that Tana is a Carpenter I'm a carpenter I am a carpenter So huge carpenter actually okay what's Your favorite um have you ever tried This one huge carpenter well what do you

What do you want me to do it's this one She got in trouble for this one oh yeah that was crazy can you do your um baby crack thing really quick no oh yeah your please please will you do it for the podcast one time you can't see it there's nowhere i can go there where they can see it right here i'll move the couch I'm like Have you ever tried This one? That made up for

Every time you wouldn't bark That's insane That made up for Every time you wouldn't bark Fuck I wish I could do that Okay anyways Anyways Oh my gosh

Okay so anywho Thomas is like Yeah get your tickets tomorrow I bring Olivia Because Tana doesn't go So we get there We go to Will Call Pick up our tickets

And they're in an envelope We open the envelope And there's a guest pass All access This that and the other And a Kia Forum Club pass Love I'm like oh my goodness

The Forum Club pass I love the Forum Club Had I known that I probably would have gone Oh yeah I can't imagine the people Who were in the Forum Club At Sabrina

Oh I'll get there sister Oh perfect So I text Thomas i'm like oh my god thank you so much this is insane blah blah i'm like where are you like we're in this section come meet up with us so he comes he says hi he's like yeah you guys are all access if you want to go backstage you literally could you would just have to come with me i'm like what the fuck crazy but he was like no right right same so he was like um but most importantly after the show you have to come to the forum club because like that's where everyone goes after tea so me olivia work so clock it me olivia sit watch the whole show i fucking love that little poly pocket she's she's so cute and so small everything oh my god she's perfect so like literal cute aggression yeah i

literally just said i want to kick her down the street i don't even know where that came from i just love her no i was literally gonna say i want to put her as an air freshener in the car like it's like what literally put her in my fucking shoe so her show ends me and olivia go to the club forum club and we're sitting there at the bar we get a glass of wine and olivia goes page don't look right now But right behind you Is John Mayer I would literally

Shit myself I'm not kidding I go You're joking You're joking She goes No I'm not kidding Three feet behind you

Is John Mayer Gravity Is working I am not kidding I go like this He's from me To that camera stand I'm like freaking out

Internally I'm like oh my god I need this man Sorry Taylor Dear John is off the table In this moment i was just gonna ask you how you're getting away with this as a swifty taylor i love you girl but like let's be so fucking serious for three seconds you know that shit honestly i went and saw him last year for his solo tour i know it tastes like an oreo mcflurry thank you i know it tastes like an oreo fucking mcflurry so his dick yeah

so i'm like over here conspiring i'm like oh my god olivia's like we have to say something i'm like no we don't no we don't i had like the chelsea handler moment she's like we have to go up and say hi i'm like no he's another one that i would probably never approach just because he'd be like i'm not kidding okay word're nice Okay word No but like that's embarrassing Because then he would never Have sex with me I thought you were going to go Down a different path

I don't want to have sex With Chelsea Handler Continue Actually yes I do He'd be like okay This weird fucking fan No I have to play it cool I have to be like

You know mystery girl So anyway Me and Olivia like Waltz around the forum club We're like getting drinks Blah blah blah Cara Delevingne's in there a bunch of people Like I don't know actors and actresses like I'm not familiar

With like in Vampire Diaries and what have you So So Olivia and I circle back we're like we have to see John again We walk over he's gone to my dismay I'm like Jesus fucking Christ I'm like there's nothing Left here for us right so we're Walking out nothing left to live for

At all so we're walking out and like as we're walking Out of like the side exit this guy and like this girl cut in front of us and they're like walking up the stairs as soon as we open up the doors and go outside it's flashes galore just flashes going off and oh my god are you just mogging like that's immediate that's the like the best trope back of a paparazzi shot Like slaying But I didn't think Anything of it Because like I didn't even think We were in the shot Like I thought

We were like Far enough away From this guy That like we weren't Even in it So this guy's Getting popped Me and Olivia

Are walking back To my car And I'm like Oh my god We should have done Like Kim Kardashian style Like we should have Left at the same time

John Mayer left Like we should have Been in the background Of a fucking paparazzi picture Oh like when she Made it look like She was at Britney's hotel room

Yes Yes I was like That's some shit Kim K would have done I'm like god damn it We could have been Like in the background of a fucking paparazzi. Oh, like when she made it look like she was at Britney's hotel room. Yes. Yes. I was like, that's some shit Kim K would have done. I'm like, God damn it. We could have been like in the background of one of those pictures. Oh, well, I would have 100% done that. And then I would have never addressed it on the podcast and just let everybody think I was dating John Mayer.

I'm embarrassing. So here I am. Oh, me. No, me as well. So I'm not kidding. I go to sleep that night. I wake up in the morning to like a grillion tags on Instagram of Paige and dumont i'm like what the fuck i i open it up i'm scrolling scrolling scrolling i'm the last picture i'm in the background of the paparazzi picture who was it

no one that i know okay it wasn't john but i love but he's hot he's so fucking hot yeah i wonder who it was but i love that i love dumont one time they wrote about me and i like i wanted to like literally leak that it was about me because i was like i was just so excited about it and they were so right but it was so cute too because like all like our little fans were in the comments going the star among the stars like tagging me i was like wait that is people were eating you up for the merch shoot too it was insane i like i felt like an evil mastermind like the day of i knew that would happen and then seeing everyone like eating you up for it it was just you ate down though like those photos of you are so sickening so page won't post them unless i pay her you shouldn't no i know well she brought it up she was stand your ground she goes what if i pay you to post as a deal and then she retracted

she goes actually never mind but i would i do want to give her code page and then just see like yeah see see what kind of sales I was like imagine just like 200 imagine I just buy a bunch with code page well and then give her that obviously give her the discount that code page brings you know it's a that would be a good oh yeah see I was saying like I was gonna make her look good by buying a bunch of shares with um I love code page but then the money Just comes back to me anyway Wait That's kind of cool I'm not gonna lie

Cancel March is on sale By the way Just letting you guys know And it's so And so amazing And Sabrina Carpenter Wore it I saw her

It's so cute And the only reason Why I'm not wearing it Is because it's sold out Woo You ate with that It's totally not Go buy it

Just really quickly I want to give everybody The boob job update That they did not ask for At all in any way Shape or form i was wondering yeah i also was wondering my implants first of all so happy with them they are slang i love them they're huge i got to see them a bunch during our merch and honestly a lot of people um well actually just a lot of comments that are like they're huge they don't fit her body i never went for something that was gonna

fit my body that was never my intent i wanted fucking knockers and I got them and I love them. But I just found out because they're under the muscle. I don't know what possessed me to do some pushups in front of the mirror the other day. That's such a weird thing to be doing yourself. They go literally behind me. Like both of them just separate all the way i have to see like i fear you're gonna have to do a naked push-up crazy you know like the spongebob squarepants movie where like david hasselhoff is in the water and his pecs go like this and separate

i can like flex them and they like go like apart and i was having such a hard time not doing it like i was taking photos the other night at the gladiator premiere and i had my like it was so cold so i was like shivering and my boobs were just like that boob drop scared me so much it's the only plastic surgery that scares me because like but i'm so happy i just have these big boobs speaking of plastic surgery and i know we have a divided nation here and you are on the right side of history i thought you're gonna say like speaking of movies Wicked oh we can do that oh my eyes no I Want to hear I want to hear I want Whatever the fuck Lindsay Lindsay Lohan Is smoking I want that pack I want it so

Fucking bad there's so much talk about Like what it could possibly be I'm like I sometimes I'm like is she just Hydrated all the sudden like what no it's The substance no no no I think she got a lip lift right you know when they like make a little cut right here and they like lift your lip up again a little it's both blabulous it's for sure I need a bluff so bad an upper bluff so bad and I'm gonna get that like tomorrow and everybody just mind your business when I have

stitches on my face shut up wait what's the bluff do like you know you don't need it you would never need it because you have so much eyelid but notice how i have like like all this eyelid fat and i have no like is it up here upper bluff that it's like you take off this extra like fat of your eyelid oh and the fat under your eye but you don't have fat there you say i'm like look at this like if i look this way you can't i could could never do a winged eyeliner because my because my eyes like overlap Lower bleph is for any loose skin here And then like a facelift obviously yeah I yo I'm a dropout but give me Something like this and I am putting my

Fucking foot into the research like her I saw a video for the other day like Does it look like her though she like Looks at me like it doesn't look like She looks just like her looks like baby Lindsay Lohan it looks like when she was 21 Chase Olsteen from Minnetonka high It doesn't look like she got a bunch of plastic surgery Baby Lindsay Lohan It looks like when she was 21 Chase Olsteen from Minnetonka High School

What? Some girl I went to school with Her and Christina Aguilera Had to have gone to the same doctor I'm trying so hard to find what doctor it is Tana Marie you are so gorgeous You don't need anything You're being ridiculous

Everyone sees new Christina Aguilera and thinks it's you yeah my nasolabial folds and you know i talk about this all the fucking time she does can i tell you something really quick before i'm sorry to cut you off but when i was in seventh grade i never ever was insecure about my body until this girl around me kept hauling herself fat and now i didn't even know what a nasolabial fold was until she started saying it. And now all of a sudden I'm self-conscious about my nasolabial folds. What the fuck even is that? It's like your smile lines, essentially. But some people's fat like moves here, migrated filler, whatever.

I'm telling you, when views get really fucking low, I'm writing it off as a fucking tax write-off. And I am Heidi Munn tagging the house down boots. I am coming back substance fucking galore with a new face. I'm sorry. You are literally like so stunning. If you touch your face, it's so mad. I'm not kidding. It's not even that I don't think I'm so stunning.

No. So then why? I just, like, I thought Lindsay Lohan was stunning before. You know what I mean? I think I'm stunning now, but that shit is next fucking level. I need it. I need it. I think so good.

You have such a beautiful little face and you shouldn't touch it. Well, you do maintain your character, but I will support you in anything. I'll maintain my character. I'll keep these fucking bottom teeth a little yellow till the day I die. I will Continue to say Awful things Like he fucked me With a toothbrush

But if you see My nasolabial folds Lifted to mercury Mind your own business I And I've been wanting Whatever this is And now seeing it everywhere

Like I You know I can't shut the fuck up About my nasolabial folds It really is All she talks about I've never Ever looked at your face

And thought like Oh That little Whatever that is Like I don't even knowial folds It really is all she talks about I've never ever Looked at your face And thought like Oh that little Whatever that is Like I don't even know What you're talking about On your face Yeah I've never once been like Oh my god her nasal labial folds

Are raging today Well I just want nasal labial Ah No more folds And I can't lie to you guys I'm gonna smoke Whatever the fuck Christina and Lindsay smoke

Wait so you want that To just be flat Yeah I want Look at this Look at this And you can I don't You can lie to me all the fuck you want, okay? My mind is made the fuck up.

No, she's done this and there is a difference. Okay, okay. Well, I want the viewers to see too. I mean. I mean, let's ask the audience. You got me there. Wait. Wait. Let's ask the audience You got me there Wait Like I

You don't need it And no one would ever notice that No but see I got you there I want it I need it I started noticing Like the little puppet

I started getting Like the puppet line You guys are so self critical I know We're being ridiculous And we're being a really bad influence On our audience And I recognize

That I'm so dysmorphic But here's what I'm going to say. Like, my life, like my entire 16, 17 years before I got my nose job, every single time I turned to the side, it was what I was thinking about. I got a nose job, and it put those thoughts to bed, and I am now, like, I'm just a completely different person.

I was so much more confident immediately after they put that hammer on it. Right. And I'm not saying that anyone should go out and get plastic surgeries like they're a venti ice latte. And I think that it is such a personal decision. I don't think there's a blanket statement. You know what I mean?

I don't think, I think it is better to be against them and embrace who you are and be unique and not feed into the beauty standard obsession and societal obsession and whatever but i also think that if something consumes you and you want to change it that you live one fucking life that you live one life and like it can be fun to do those things and it's also like fun fun i get what you're saying i completely get what you're saying i felt the same way about my arms like it was something I was so self-conscious about And like maybe nobody else would notice it

But for me it made me feel so much better That I just like I get it If it's like If you get one or two procedures done It's something that like really is plaguing you And bothering you And it's gonna change your life for the better

I understand But when it's like Christina Aguilera level Where it's like who the fuck is that But she looks so slay But she always Has looked amazing Like When your whole job

Is also based on Getting paid Like she is They both Will now probably book Ten times more roles And that's fucked up To say

I know but like That's the whole thing I think I'm kind of Against Doing all of that Because women should be able To age gracefully Sometimes I look at people though

And I'm like But then I'm about to give the worst example ever I'm like sometimes I love it When people age gracefully And then I was going to use Angelina Jolie Pamela Anderson And I'm like It's just not comparable

Yeah It's just I don't know I think that if I was a bookkeeper I probably wouldn't as much be as You know what I mean But like I don't know Well it's hard if I was a bookkeeper, I probably wouldn't as much be as, you know what I mean? But like, I don't know. it's hard to when so many people are like critical,

like not to make it like dark, but like how many people are like, yeah, now commenting on how we look on the internet. Like ass kissing. That's been my one of the week. Everyone's saying I'm such an ass kisser and like that. I'm just,

and I kind of am. I actually have to like, it's hard to differentiate. Cause it's like we Will have people on that I'm not like Close with and I'm just gassing them but I just love to gas people up I really do Yeah that's not a bad that's not a crime And but also like I do understand that

Then when I'm gassing up people I love That are close to me it loses hold less Weight and I can understand people like Saying that but I just like love to I To me it loses it holds less weight and I can understand people like saying that But I just like love to I don't know Trust me there's affection yeah that's Not I'm very worth it about you this Week you're slang I'm just so words of

Affirmation coded it's my love language And I always want to make people feel Special yeah but here I am you are so Good at that I wish that's like my Number one thing I would wish I was Better at it's because like I don't know why i sometimes feel weird like uh like giving people words of affirmation i even it's been like just like everyone keeps coming at me for like the way i talk to trisha but it's like i've said this off camera a lot too i feel like

even trisha with like the live shows how she was living under this genuine belief that she couldn't sell out a live show It was eating away at me Because it's like I wish that you saw you The way that like Your fans do And people who love And adore you

And just like You know what I mean So I do always gas her up More Yeah But it's like So many of those people Saying that I do that

Would also do that If they had the chance For someone that they love You know I also think it's sweet And we were saying this Like a few days ago But I'm starting to like Do this thing Where if I have the chance for someone that they love you know i also think it's sweet and we were saying this like a few days ago but i i'm starting to like do this thing where if i have a positive thought about someone i'm not gonna like hold it in anymore like i'm gonna tell them and i

think also think it's nice to like be on the receiving end and hear that me too i remember i had a girl come at me in high school for it she was like you're literally you kiss up to every single person like you're always like complimenting people like and i'm like what the fuck is wrong with saying nice things to people like just like things like oh my god you're like your hair's amazing or like your body's amazing or something and I'm so like that off camera I think that's the thing is like that people maybe don't realize is like like even just if I'm checking out somewhere if I like something on the person checking me out whether it's something they're wearing yeah I'm going to tell them I think that Because I can just remember

So many times in my life Where people have said Things to me And like I carried That positive compliment With me And maybe it was The only one that I received

Or maybe it just You know what I mean And it's like I'm never gonna Fucking stop doing that And it's crazy That now that's like A thing

Yeah there's just No harm in giving Someone a compliment Or just like saying How you feel If it's positive And it's also like People have seen me

So many times Like if I hate a Bitch yeah standing on coming at their Necks so it's like you know I just I Stand on how what I believe but I do Think that I can teeter the line of that Like when we have when I go on people's Podcasts or have guests and it's like You don't know this person you are just

Kissing their ass but I just want to Make people feel comfortable and I think If someone is good at something they Should know I think of someone there are at something They should know I think if someone There are much worse Qualities to have I think you You should keep it moving

And keep doing it I love it Like keep ass kissing Right I like it It's cute Fuck That wasn't my topic Craft Mac and Cheese Gate

Was my other topic Yeah what's that mean They released a gluten free Easy Mac okay In the cups And I've been getting it I love it I think it's so similar

To Craft Mac and Cheese But it's gluten it I love it I think it's so similar To Kraft Mac and Cheese But it's gluten free I love intaking less gluten Always have But I don't do it enough Whatever Apparently a lot of people Have been getting them

Without the cheese packets Just the cups Oh I'd be furious Oh so it's literally Just water and mac Yes No cheese Yeah like no cheese

And this girl comes online Saying I bought it There's no cheese And then she keeps Going to other stores And buying it And keeps getting ones With no cheese yeah like no cheese and this girl comes online saying i bought it there's no cheese and then she keeps going to other stores and buying it and keeps getting ones with no cheese but then craft comments on her tiktok gaslighting the shit out of her like we see no problems over here no and like their their tiktok bio is so funny hold on i forget what it was like what do you mean like what do you mean craft you had the one opportunity to like send her a bunch and like and they're just like have a positive pr move like someone over there

that's crazy i'm trying to see if they changed their bio i cried yeah their bio is vibes and cheese and everyone's cooking them like just vibes just vibes now like i got mac and cheese or i mean mcdonald's pancakes the other day and they didn't give me butter or syrup and I actually cried I was like what am I supposed to do with these right you know what the worst thing in the world is oh my fucking god every time I order like a chipotle burrito bowl and I put add utensils and I don't get the fucking black plastic fork it's good same thing with Panda Express if I have to eat Panda Express with a metal fork it doesn't taste like Panda Express and I really mean that I really fucking mean that there's just something so like amazing about like the Chipotle plastic fork and I'm just really sad every time I don't get it you know what I hate you know what I'm oh I'm sorry I was gonna I was

just gonna start beef with Chipotle or no start your beef with Chipotle fuck you Chipotle um I'm just kidding I love Chipotle literally more than life but I stopped I'm boycotting and they're really suffering because of how much I'm not ordering chipotle what they do girl because they will not you cannot order a side of salad dressing on postmates or any food delivery apps i join you i join you in this movement oh my god oh my god the vinaigrette the vinaigrette oh i would do anything and like the thing is i sometimes like i've tried to order a salad with no lettuce because it's like i want a burrito bowl with the salad dressing like just let me i'll pay 11 for it bro i have oh my gosh i have a picture in my phone i'll fucking

insert it literally on instead of my name on the order i go please add vinaigrette like every single addition i could have made on the app i'm going please add vinaigrette i always like you have to time it out perfectly right because it has to like you have to be assigned a driver and they have to literally physically be in the restaurant and then you have to message them and say please i'm begging i'll do anything get two sides of vinaigrette and sometimes you buy bottles of it no because it's like it's definitely made like that day it's so fresh it's so delicious That is ass That's like really ass But it's like You guys would make

So much more money If you just like Like I would buy So much of it I'm just I need to stop Raising in general Like I'm really

Teetering the line Of needing to Delete the app Because it's like Dude last night I hit this joint And I think it's Going to be a regular joint

And I smoked the cancer pack I'm high as balls Having existential Conversations with myself In my pack I'm high as balls Having existential conversations With myself in my head I'm like apologizing to Makoa For breathing too loud Like it's just weird shit And I'm obsessed with this new place

You guys have to try it It's called Junior Cookies Oh I saw your review Love it I didn't like it at first And then I kept ordering it Again delete the app

So fuck crumble I think there's so much better than crumble The flavors are just insane like kit kat tiramisu oreo cheesecake creme brulee flavor creme brulee is my favorite i'm like wagging my tail i love that you can bang it no they have a raspberry lemon like cheesecake one they're insane and they're mini but it's like fucking 40 for like eight mini cookies it's's insane. But yesterday I opened that up. I don't even want them. But do you know when you click something and it says like one minute until closing? I ordered these eight cookies for $40 in less than 30 seconds.

Eight cookies, $40, less than 30 seconds. The second I order them, I get less high 10 minutes later. I'm like, I didn't need those. I ate all eight cookies. Didn't even share them with Makoa. Didn't even share them with Makoa Didn't even share them With Makoba Aw poor thing Couldn't say bless you

To Chelsea Handler You were literally Bojack With the apple fritters I just I seriously need to delete That fucking app Like the fact that I can Just have like

Birria tacos At 3am In 15 minutes or less Is some Fucked up shit It's really probably One of the It's the most amazing

and the worst thing that's ever happened in the last like five years no i ordered them so fast i didn't even tip and i'm like so i can't i hate admitting oh my god did you know did you see what was going on though that like the whole city was gridlocked last night and i felt so bad i ordered i wanted to oh my god last night tell me this no i wanted to have jamaican cookies last or not jamaican cookies jamaican food last night like because I was so excited I had just watched it like a whole documentary on it so I was like I have to order Jamaican food I called around asked everybody what the best Jamaican food was in town and it was like this place on like Crenshaw which is like I did and I ordered it I ordered beef cakes I ordered like all all these like exciting things

and I was so excited for it and for whatever reason there was the 92nd annual which by the way i i thought it was the 92nd annual or holiday parade in hollywood okay i thought they meant not like it was 90 seconds long like it was a quick little 90 seconds i thought it was a quick parade and it took the whole fucking night so every single street around my apartment was closed off so so this jamaican food came 40 minutes across town except it actually took two hours and when the guy first his little photo you know sometimes they use like photos that aren't actually them this was like the cutest little old man in his photo and i was feeling so guilty i'm like i cannot Believe this guy Has spent the last Two hours of his life

Delivering this one order Okay And when he finally Gets upstairs to my apartment He says that his car Is four blocks away And he had to park Four blocks away

And walk So I tipped him I tipped him A hundred dollars Okay Why did she have to Say that after I said I forgot to tip

Like oh my god I'm like I take so much pride in tipping well because i think it's like uber e-drivers live off of tips and my fat ass was so stoned that i was going so fast to get out of the one minute thing that i didn't tip and it ate me you can go in you can go in after and tip them again like now you could do it right now wait yeah oh you can do it right now that makes me so happy i'm literally doing it right now like i i it was keeping me up all night

I didn't fucking I really have to like Get something off my chest That's so fucking embarrassing Speaking of like cookies And crumble and whatnot I had like You can tell

I had like a crumble problem Like Fuck you I had like a little bit Of a crumble issue going on But like I'm not kidding It was like Every week

The new flavors would come out I'm like I gotta fucking try them Obviously It got to the point where I would get so embarrassed Wait what i tried to change my tip and something went wrong no i would get so embarrassed i'm so sorry i would like sorry make it like a thinking of you like grumble orders like so that they didn't think you were just ordering i'm like i don't know tori sent me cookies again

like like that's the funniest thing i've actually ever heard now i'm gonna send you crumble cookies secret admirer yeah and it's like from page to page like okay what's your favorite crumble cookie oh my god the pink the og oh my god when kylie jenner did her crumble crumble collab that was And it's like from page to page. Like, okay. What's your favorite crumble cookie? Oh my God. The pink, the OG. Oh my God. When Kylie Jenner did her crumble collab, that was the first time I ever tried it. And I ate like, it was so good,

but it was like they had delivered them separately. And so every time I've tried to recreate that experience by trying to order crumble again, and it's never the same. It's like Kylie herself fucking like put her foot into those cookies. Damn. Now I want cookies. I'm trying, I'm really like, it happens when you stop drinking though. the same it's like kylie herself fucking like put her foot into those cookies damn now i want

cookies i'm trying i'm really like it happens when you stop drinking though you like crave sugar i don't know why that is but i'm just like so sugar i was eating creme brulee off my chest all five days this week like resorts world having 24 hour room service i couldn't stop oh dangerous i need to like maybe have more electrolytes or something yeah well i feel like i'm always craving something salty unfortunately i have like the world's biggest sweet tooth oh i need to stop you need a cream roulette it's someone someone told me yesterday i was like like like i said like should i choose the happy option or the healthy option they said the happy option is the healthy option oh but i've had way too many happy options okay well, suck me. Okay, well, never mind. Forget what I said. No, like, that's beautiful, but, like, I'm so sorry.

Like, kale is not the happy option. No, I'm saying the happy option, like, it's healthier to choose the happy option. Like, choose the grosser thing because it's better to be happy than to be healthy. Oh, I'm so glass half full. I thought it was, like, an almond mom saying, like, the happy option is the healthy option. Oh, no. Oh. No, it's, like, choose the pizza healthy option. Oh no. Oh. No it's like choose the pizza.

Yeah. Oh my god. Okay. I also just want to go back on my like Lindsay Lohan conversation really quick and just say that like clearly I'm fucked up in the head dude. Okay. Just really like that is not blanket advice to anybody else. Like I'm just I'm letting the people Honestly know that like

I am looking into it I'm gonna wait some time Like I don't think at 26 I sleep on it Listen ultimately It's do what makes you happy I just think it's sad That there's like

A beauty standard That's set in place Now that women think They have to like attain By doing like 20 plus surgeries I agree with that Which is sad I think if we all just stop

Then it's like What about like four? Yeah we can rock with four Yeah and sometimes People say like Oh you'll get carried away And you'll never be able to stop But's like What about like four Yeah we can rock with four Yeah and sometimes People say like Oh you'll get carried away And you'll never be able to stop But I like

I'm like I did exactly What I needed to do And I could I could be content forever Until of course My upper blepharoplasty Fucking hell

Should we move on Over to the Patreon Oh yeah We're cooking But we love you guys So fucking much I mean We love you guys

And Paige we love you so much I missed having you on this couch Oh I love you guys It's good I mean we love you and pagey we love You so much I missed having you on this couch I love you guys it's good to be back it's I'm in a place where like our guests I Think are only gonna be close friends Or just maybe comedians Moving forward like I just think that We're not interviewers and I need to remember that

Like not that it's not fun to interview people But I just I'm just It's easy to just like Chop it up about bullshit About crumble cookies And upper bluffs We love you guys so much I hope you're having A happy holidays

Thank you to everybody Who bought the merch And is supporting us It just like Is so so so sweet And we love you guys Yeah I don't know That's it

Thank you we love you Love you guys Chelsea Handler I love you.