Cancelled with Tana Mongeau & Brooke Schofield - 115: Chelsea Handler confronts Tana for stalking her at the airport..

Episode Date: March 29, 2025

On this episode we are joined by a dream guest Chelsea Handler!  Go check out her new Netflix special The Feeling! https://www.netflix.com/title/81759443 New players can get their losses back up to $1,000 IN CASINO CREDITS on their first day! Just sign up with code CANCELLED and start playing to get up to $1,000 IN CASINO CREDITS back with a minimum $5 net loss. Only on DraftKings Casino. The Crown Is Yours. Gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER. In Connecticut, help is available for problem gambling—call 888-789-7777or visit ccpg.org. Please play responsibly. 21+. Physically present in CT, MI, NJ, PA, WV only. Void in Ontario. Eligibility restrictions apply. New customers only. Lossback for 24 hours, up to $1,000 in non-withdrawable Casino Credits that expire in 168 hours. Terms at casino.draftkings.com/promos. Tana Mongeau Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/tanamongeau/ Tana Mongeau Twitter: https://twitter.com/tanamongeau Tana Mongeau TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@tanamongeaulol Brooke Schofield Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/brookeschofield/ Brooke Schofield Twitter: https://twitter.com/BroookeAmber Brooke Schofield TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@brookeschofield1 Brooke Schofield YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCzCVovj7tfqnV2lIkaVk35A Produced by: https://instagram.com/oscaralva

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Tana. Tana. But you can call me tana call us whatever you can actually hit me with a bus okay okay they were trying to find a parking spot for you outside and i was like i'll just lay down like it's that's fine by me be cool be cool chel yeah let me show chelsea handler we're here finally we're together to the canceled pod. I can't wait to get canceled with you. I cannot. I'm exhausted. So I need a timeout anyway. You know, so I'm down. And the last time we were together, I didn't even know we were together. I had to hear about us being together on a plane ride to Vegas. From Vegas. From Vegas. Was it from Vegas? Oh, okay. And then

I was I was receiving videos, crazy videos about this crazy girl. And I was like, and they're like, yeah, they're like, she, this girl is freaking out about being on a plane with you. And I'm like, I think I saw that woman. She called me crying. I think I saw her in the jet suite terminal in Vegas. I had to walk out. I saw you walk out. Because I saw the look. And look and that look was like okay I could tell that you were one of me like we were one unit so I was like oh and then and now here we are finally

Ryu Naruse I beautiful we're so excited to have you I can't wait gonna throw up probably everyone kept telling me you know why didn't you say something to her you love this woman so much why wouldn't you say something and it's so parasocial to say, but I knew you didn't want that. I knew you did not want that. You don't want to be, I feel like, am I wrong to say that you don't want someone to come up to you, especially of this sort? I wouldn't say I don't want that because that's not really fair. Like when I'm in a public place, I accept what's happening at dinner, sitting down at dinner with my family that I find annoying. Or if I'm in a public restroom, which seems to be a favorite thing to have people to do to follow you into a

restroom and then take a picture by a stall. I agree. I think that's ick. But when I have a fan who really loves me, I will never reject you. You just seemed so in your zone. I also know you're doing your Vegas residency and I feel like leaving Vegas is just a disgusting feeling. No matter how much comfort you have, jet suite,

all of it, like that feeling that you just want to be home in your own bed. And I was like, that's very sensitive and empathic for you to understand for all people who are leaving Vegas. I mean, I think anyone, have you ever left Vegas in a great mood? Never. I'm from there. I was born in Las Vegas. Well, that explains a lot, Tana. Everything. That's what her name is now, Tana. I told her.

Tana Manginou. That's what I'm going to call you. Tana Manginou. I said Mangano, and they said, no, Manjo. And I'm like, Mangiorno? It's like someone smashed their face on a keyboard. Mangiaro is everything, actually. Yeah, Tana Mangiaro. Why not? Tanya Mangiaro. Tina Mangaloo. I've heard it all. like someone smashed their face on a keyboard manjaro's everything actually yeah tana manjaro

why not tanya manjaro tina mongolu i've heard it all i i don't it's i get that it's hard you know i hope i marry like a smith i you know i hope well i that would be exciting are you gonna get married i think so it's you always i was i'm talking to you like i know you once again i'm like you always talk me out of it when we hang out and you're my best friend you just it's so funny I'll like think I want kids for a second there I didn't originally in the beginning of my life and I have a very similar experience to you where I was born into morons or feeling like they were morons at least at a very young age and like all of those things and I didn't for a long time I don't know and then every time I hear you

talk about it, you just like make me backtrack. I just think you're never going to regret. Well, actually, I can't speak for you, obviously, but I think I can. I think you're never going to regret feeling having the sense of freedom that I feel on a daily basis. I think that any like if you're on the fence at all about having children then you probably shouldn't okay but love that and respect that because i feel like we were both born with parents who shouldn't have had children and chose to anyway yeah and i wish they just had the better my parents too like they just forgot they were like oh i guess we'll just keep fucking we already have five children we can't afford it i'm one of six so my parents just were like never used birth control so it was also

not really thinking things through. Luckily, they came out with a huge fucking winner. You know what I mean? I know. Well, after six, you'd hope so. Yeah, after six, the odds are one of them's going to be a winner. And that winner is sitting right here. But none of them are real losers in my family.

So we have that. My dad was the biggest loser out of all of us. Do you think that you all came out so great because you saw him and it was like, I don't want to be like that? Possibly could be the reason. I know that was like, you know, setting an example, like setting a worse example is sometimes more effective than setting a good example. Because it really makes you understand that you don't want to behave that way. The way my dad dealt with people was embarrassing. Like he didn't, he didn't.

How did you just sip that water again? Can you just sip that water again for me? I sip that water like I've had 50 needles in my face in the last fucking month. Are you ready? Okay, yeah. So now I'm like going to perform. Well, just do it naturally.

Okay. Okay. Doing anything in front of you naturally is crazy. I can't. Okay, no, You cannot do that. You're sticking your tongue inside the bottle. Did you see what she just did? Have you seen this before?

Unfortunately. Well, this is what you're doing. Tana. This is what you're doing. I'm leading with tongue. How can you drink like that? I lead with tongue a lot in life. Are you getting, and then you open the tongue out?

You put the tongue back? Yeah, I kind of eat it out a little. I do. Like Amy Winehouse did you in that closet. Did she eat me out in a closet? Was it a 12-year-old Amy Winehouse? Martha McIntosh. I have to think of her fake name. I almost said her real name. Oh my gosh. Wait, I was wondering about that. I'm like, damn, did Martha just catch a stray?

No, there's a girl in my book who went down on me, you guys. And her name is Martha McIntosh. For the purposes of the book, that's not a real name. That's not her real name. So don't get it twisted. If you know Martha McIntosh, she's not the one. Do you always change names or just Martha? Only if they're eating me out.

Oh, okay. Typically if they're- The most names. Yeah, 90% of people have to have their names changed because of going down on me. But yeah, you only change someone's name if they're a private person and you are telling an incriminating story about them. If they're a public person like Andrew Cuomo or Bill Cosby, you can talk about them. Absolutely.

How do you come up with Martha McIntosh? Is that where the LSD comes in? Yeah, LSD comes in hot. Yeah. Yeah. We need to talk about your LSD use because I saw a video of you because now I follow you. I'm sorry.

No, I'm enjoying everything. I enjoy seeing pictures of your ass every single day. You, I mean, I've never seen somebody spend more time in snow that isn't skiing. Oh my God.

Have you ever been on a set of skis? Metaphorically, maybe like with cocaine, you know, like those slopes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been on those slopes as well. Yes. And you go into these ski environments and you just get naked. I hope this was inspired by me.

It was. Okay, thank you. Well, you shaped me as the entire person I am. I love it. I love it. But have you ever snowboarded or anything? I would die, Chelsea. I would do it for you.

You just love going into the snow? No, I actually fucking hate the snow. It's all my boyfriend wants. And I hate saying that to you, you know, but it's... It's okay. It is what it is. It's okay. You can hate the snow. I hate the snow it's all my boyfriend wants and i hate saying that to you you know but it's it's okay it is what it is it's okay you can hate the snow i hate the snow my boyfriend for his birthday wanted to go to the snow so i i obliged and then i decided that the only thing i can do there really is be a whore. It's, you know, they all went to hit the slopes. And then you were just like, let's take pictures of me. Totally. I get it. I get it. It's a fun setting to take pictures. It is. It is. You started skiing like later kind of in life,

you said? No, I mean, I've always skied, but I got really good late. Like when I, once I turned like 38, I was like, oh, I'm not fucking around. I'm going to, I had a boyfriend who left me on a mountain. And this is a story that I wrote about in my book. And I, he, oh, I'm not fucking around. I had a boyfriend who left me on a mountain. And this is a story that I wrote about in my book. And we were skiing with the Kennedys at the Sundance Film Festival. That was my first date with this fucking asshole. And he left me on a double black diamond. And I was not equipped to ski down this.

It wasn't even, it was like a cliff. Like you had to hop over a cliff on your skis, like jump into the mountain. And I was like, no, I can't. So I took my skis off right before that jump and turned around and hiked up the mountain with two other people in the group who also got freaked out. Normally, a person would have been on a first date like that with a guy and been like, oh, that's a huge red flag. I dated him for another two years. No, you didn't.

I just wanted to get better at skiing after that. I love that it was to spite a man. It was, you know. But also what that taught me, are you here with the ice? It's okay. I can't walk freely. Oh,

thank you so much. This is going to be so much better with ice. Thank you. And why I wouldn't get ice for Chelsea Hamler. It's like my number ice and snow are the two, two things I care about the most. I should have imported snow. Here,

I'll give you, let me, you want to grab here. I'll make your cup. No, you don't make my, no, I'll make you a let me, you want to grab, here, I'll make your cup. No, you don't make mine. No, I'll make you a cup. I'm a really, this is all I can do. She's a homemaker.

I'm a, yeah, I'm a homemaker. I'm a domesticity goddess. So I went skiing with these Kennedys and I was like, after that experience, I was like, I will never, ever get stuck like that again. Like I'm never going to be in a situation. I hate when ice does this. Hold on a second. My roommates just cussed me out for, like, never using the ice scooper.

Oh, no, I don't use a scooper. I just, it's like I have two. I just washed my hands, like, the other day. You're fine. Oh, trust me, if anyone is not worried, it's me. Okay, there you go. When I found out that you only wash certain spots in the shower, I've never felt so seen.

I think anyone who's scrubbing their shins has too much free time. Yeah, I think that's a, yeah, I do too. I don't understand what people are washing. And I don't understand the time that people are spending in showers. I couldn't agree more. What are you doing in there? Like, I mean, if you're not, I don't think your girls are jerking off in the shower, are they? I'm not.

Can you put this in the cooler right here? I mean, it's not really a cooler anymore but nailed it beautiful this weekend i was at my sister's birthday and there was a big thing of like a glass baking dish of pork carnitas that my aunt had brought up and she was going to make chila chiques or chila chila chila chiles and chila chiclets. Chila chiles. And chila chiclets. Okay, my orca baddie. And then I went in to go get some of it out till she was putting it in the frying pan. And I guess I took the wrong, like, utensil. Like, it was a spatula,

and I should have grabbed a spoon or something. And just, like, carnitas just went all over, like, the edge of the pan. Everywhere but the pan. Of course. And my family just looked at me, and they said, just get out of here. Like, stop it. Stop it. Like, what happens when you touch food is so gross like you

don't come in anywhere near the kitchen again and I'm like no fucking problem yes I do those things on purpose are you like weaponized you're great in the kitchen I do everything exactly wrong so no one wants me in there yeah weapon, weaponized incompetence. I like that. Yeah, that's what I ask. Discover the exciting action of BetMGM Casino. Check out a wide variety of table games with a live dealer or enjoy over 3,000 games to choose from like Cash Eruption, UFC Gold Blitz, make instant deposits or same-day withdrawals.

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I was blacked out. Is that the reason? That's a few reasons. Is this why you're sober now? I saw that you were sober online this morning. Yes. Something about, she may quit drinking or whatever, but she's not going to stop.

You were promoting some product. I don't remember what it was. Oh, I was promoting weed. Oh, okay. So you can smoke weed. I smoke weed. I can do everything else, honestly. I just can't drink.

It's funny, when I got to the Caitlyn chapter of your book, I was like, I am Caitlyn. You know what I mean? Oh, I see. This is delicious, by the way. I just want to say that my owl's brew is fucking delicious. I've never had the mint one on ice, and this is delicious. It really is fabulous.

And I've never debated relapsing for a product until this. And as long as you can do other drugs, let's just stick with those. Yeah. I agree. Nobody likes the sloppy drugs. 100%. You know what I mean? And as long as you can enjoy other drugs, I get it.

And I love that. I feel like I can do all of the other things, but the alcohol for me, it's like, oh my God. No, it's good to know your strengths and weaknesses, especially when using drugs and alcohol. 100%. And you know, there's nothing, people who are hot messes when they drink, it's not fun to be around. And that's where I got to, you know what I mean?

I was just like, I can't keep being this person that everyone's like, oh my God, here she fucking goes again, you know what I mean? I can tell by your regular personality that if you added alcohol to that,

it's a fucking forest fire. Tasmanian devil, I'm ruining my life, I'm ruining everyone's life around me and I held onto it for so long. There's Vegas in my blood. I was like born drunk, you know, but. What happens vegas during the school year like where are people up to it feels strange that people are like from there or actually like

live there by the age of five i was like why the fuck would anyone have children here you know it's it is a place that's run on sex drugs alcohol money murder all the things like it's true it blows my mind yeah it's when people are like were you born in a casino it's run on sex drugs alcohol money murder all the things like it's true it blows my mind yeah it's when people are like were you born in a casino it's like essentially yeah but it's so it's so depressing you know like vegas outside of like a casino like when you go outside and you go to restaurants or or like i had a boyfriend joe coy lived in vegas had a house in vegas and i was like i he's like we're gonna spend to spend time. And I'm like, listen, I'm not a tax evader. I don't need to live in Vegas. I think about it often. The realest shit I've ever heard. It is depressing and it is dark. And I guess you learn to like,

exist. You become one with the darkness and the chaos and whatnot. And I, yeah, I had to get out of there. I mean, I moved here like 10 years ago. Well, you had to move here to get canceled. 100% canceled in Vegas, because everyone's just canceled. Everyone just has nothing going for them there. What is your background with being canceled? Because I know your podcast is called canceled. And I came here to get canceled. So I want to know what happened? God, Chelsea, that is such a hard question to answer. Because I think I've never not been being canceled. It's even similar to you when you were kind of you were talking about you went on. I forget what it was a radio show and you were

talking about your ex man. And then he sent you the email. And it's just I'm always just saying shit. And I don't know what the fuck I'm saying. And I'm always getting in trouble for it. And I always have been. I mean, again, no one really raised me and I started doing this very young. So I was kind of just like a banshee child on the Internet, putting it all out there. And it was just a matter of time before people were enraged. Well, then, yeah, mission accomplished. Yes. Have you ever properly been canceled?

I don't believe so. No. That is actually amazing, especially as a comedian. I know. I know. It's almost like impossible. Well, I mean, if my show Chelsea Lately were on now, I probably would have been canceled at some point just because of our work environment. It was just ridiculous.

The things we did to each other, there was nudity. There was like people were everyone was it was unhinged. Yeah. And it was some of the most fun times of my life. But it was inappropriate. Like now you couldn't do those things in a workplace environment. Or maybe you could because Trump is back in office. Who knows?

Maybe anything's possible now. Regressing. Just re-regress back to the 1960s. I would love to know what a day in the life on the set of Chelsea lately was like. Because obviously we saw the madness on television every day. I was way too young to be concerned. I was just so excited every day. First, I would come into the office.

I would go to other people's computers that weren't at their desks and I would send emails to human resources from their desks complaining about different people in the office. I would say, this is Jonathan. You know, I'm coming out later today. I just want to let human resources know I'm going to do it on air. And they'd be like, please do not come out on air. That's a private issue. It has nothing to do with the show. Issue is crazy. They were called, we would just, I would,

I would try to set up, there was one woman at, there was always like standards and practices that were always up our asses because they're like, you can't say pussy, you can't say. I'm like, just bleep me.

Yeah. It's funny. And they'd be like, no, it's too far. Like you could say, you could say anal, but you couldn't point to the asshole

when you said anal. You had to learn all of these intricacies. All these arbitrary rules. So like we would just fuck with them because I'd be like, anal, anal, anal, anal, anal, anal, anal. And then they would call and be like, Chelsea, we told you you can't say that. And then I was dating. Once I started dating the head of the network, then he was getting involved.

And I was like, hey, don't even fuck with me. You know what I mean? I'm your girlfriend. Like, you're not going to call me and bother me at work now he's like that's not fair I work here I'm your boss I'm like not anymore I didn't know this happened did you date him solely just so you could speak more freely about anal on air no I was attracted to him he was older man and he ran a network and my father was like he was like the antithesis of my father, like an older man who had his shit together and spotted talent and was like very taken by me, you know, and I liked that. Of course.

I was young and I was very impressed by him and his togetherness. And he was kind of just obsessed with me. And I like loved it, you know. And then, of course, I was like, get the fuck away from me. Obviously. Your dating history is so amazing. Random. It is so, yes.

And I'm very much a random dater myself. Are you? Oh, my God. It doesn't feel random to me. I feel like everything makes perfect sense. Joe Coy in 50 Cent. But Andre, the pendulum swing. It's like, I'll date Andre Balazs, who's like, you know, Mr. like, who has Elan, Elan.

You know that word E-L-A-N like grace and charisma like he's a hotelier and he's sophisticated I mean and then I would go date 50 Cent you know what I mean and then I would date someone like I don't know who else did I like Ted Harbert was like that's the guy from E he was like straight white business, you know, like just, just so ridiculous, like almost a caricature of like a 57 year old man. I was like 32, he was 57. And then the next person I dated was like, you know, like I go from the one end of the pendulum to the next. And they push you there. I feel like sometimes like, yes, sometimes I want, I really don't want that. So let me go completely opposite.

Sometimes I'll date just some random guy for a few months. Who's got nothing going on. And like, they could even be broke, you know, but that gets old, obviously too. I don't have a type.

I just like a variety. Have you ever dated a woman? Not dated a woman. Just a lot of carpet munching moments and stuff like yeah but you don't you don't munch i don't not not typically have you munched yeah i think i have you tried it out yeah not for you in a threesome environment you know everybody's got to do their their bidding but i'm not in my spare time no i'm not dying to go down on women you know i like i like men which is so funny it's so funny how much you were sexually attracted to men, but then also hate them.

Yes. So is it a lot of hate fucking as well, where you're like, I hate you, I hate you? No, I don't fuck the guys I hate. I don't hook up with men I don't like. And I don't hate men. I just am disappointed. You know what I mean? Yeah.

They've become a little bit unfuckable. Not all of them. Many of them. But I find men who are on our team and are on women's side and do find powerful women attractive. I can be friends with men like that and I can have sex with men like that. But a lot of men that think that they can handle independent, strong-minded women really can't. They go into it thinking, I'm cool, I'm down. But then they somehow become emasculated at the idea that they can't give you what you already have.

Like, I don't need you to buy me jewelry. I don't need you to even pay for things. I mean, it would be nice, you know, like that's a nice aspect, but it's not a requirement. I don't need somebody who has money. But once men realize that their contributions are limited to being a good person and decent and fun. But can't do that. Then they're just like, wait, this doesn't feel like I'm contributing. They become a little emasculated. So a lot of men have dated me and been like, I can handle you. And then they can't.

And then do they try to change you? I can't imagine a man having the balls to try to change Chelsea Handler, but I'm sure that you've experienced that. Yes, I've had men try to change me. Yeah, which is crazy. Yeah. I had a boyfriend who told me that he didn't think it was appropriate for me to be alone with men while we were together. Oh, come on. I wanted to be like, I'm sorry, have you met me? Have you read anything I've ever

written or heard anything I've said? What year do you think I'm living in? Yeah, we need realistic goals. So that was stupid. And he was an idiot know and I had to break up with him you're very good at breaking up yes I am I am good at it I was yeah I was just listening to you in your book say like you know a breakup doesn't define you like there's worse things happening I'm like can not relate like it is the end of the world. I can't handle it. As you get older, you will be able to handle it. You will.

That helps, honestly. It's experience and wisdom. Like, as you get older, you realize nobody fucking matters. You know what I mean? You can be in love with people. You can care about people. But if they're taken away, you have enough resiliency and resources within all of us to deal with anything. And a breakup is like, do you know how many fucking men

there are in this country alone? Like 175 million men. You can find another one. Like, I know there's too many, but you can find another one. And that's just this country. We have, there's Chinese men, there's Indian men. There's, you know, you find one you're interested in.

There are men everywhere. So like a breakup to me is just another exciting adventure. I agree. Really. It's exciting because you're like, okay, what's next? Yeah, I look back

at all the times I was like, there's no one else like him. I'm going to kill myself. It's like good. That's youth. That's youth. You think that their life

is over when something bad happens career wise or like relationship wise when you're in your youth. And once you get older, you understand that everyone is like pretty much a number. It's unromantic, but it's kind of like- No, it's comforting is what it is.

But it's amazing that you're able to possess that thought, but then still be like open to love and like wanting it. And you know what I mean? Yeah, well, I'm open for business. You know what I mean? So like if that comes in love and I fall in love, great, but I'm not expecting to find my soulmate or my partner. Like, that's not what I'm looking for. That's not, if I ran into that, I would be open to it, but I'm not, I'm not setting out to

be like, I want to be in, I'm going to be in a relationship by the end of the year. I love the way things are panning out for my life. Like I like the randomness. I like the affairs. I like the excitement. I like a man in different, you know, men in different countries. One of some guy just called me right now, FaceTime me, one of my potential suitors. And I was like, God, I can't wait to see you in Italy this summer. Like how fun is that? Yeah.

You know, that's what I wanted my life to be like when I was a little girl. I wanted adventure, adventure, adventure. And to me, like the idea of committing or like an engagement or any talk of marriage to me has always represented the end of the party. Yes. You know what I mean? And I want the party to continue. Is your dream goal like an open relationship or just sincerely just different partners experiencing different things i wouldn't mind just having like three recurring characters

that are that are that i would be completely honest with you know like you're in my life he's in my life and that guy's in my life one it like you know in spain one in canada and one in the states um i feel like that's reasonable one for each of your homes like you don't have to run into each other it's not like the Cosby show it is like the shows, it's like a sitcom your recurring character I don't think we can even recommend the Cosby show anymore

speaking of getting cancelled Tana it's been prevalent on my mind because I don't know, finding that out about you that you were like obsessed with the Cosby show is so fucking funny to me because it's just so unexpected I love black comedy like first of all that was the best black family when I grew up that was the first black family on

television that represented like like you know like he was a doctor he was a gynecologist he had his own gynecologist practice in their basement. That is crazy. Now we know why. But at the time it was like, oh my God, like Theo and Vanessa and Rudy were so cool. You know, I was like this white girl grew up in like all white neighborhood. So to me, I was like, this is culture. Like this is fucking cool. And I wanted in on that family. I wanted to fuck Theo, my brother. I wanted to be their new sister. I wanted to have my friends, Vanessa and Rudy. And then I wanted to have my father, Bill Cosby. And you never wanted to fuck Bill Cosby.

Obviously pre... No, in my new stand-up special I tell a Bill Cosby story about him summoning me to his hotel room. My new stand-up special, I relay that story. And that was the last time I saw Bill Cosby. And guess what? He didn't roofie me. I mean, the last time I saw Bill Cosby. And guess what? He didn't roofie me.

I mean, I just think it's so funny, though. Your point to it would have barely made a dent is so real. He wouldn't have made a dent in me. No. I am a horse. You can't tranquilize me. What's a little GHB, right? That's what a roofie is. Yeah.

I believe I have been roofied once. Really? Yeah, I was. Yeah, you're a woman. You're gorge. On purpose? Well, yeah, by someone else. Oh. Like, I remember. believe I have been roofied once really yeah I was yeah you're a woman you're gorge uh on purpose well yeah by someone else oh like I remember but I was some people do it to themselves on purpose oh really yeah oh that's something I would do too but no I haven't done that no I was roofied once

because I was at a bar and I remember saying this was years ago in Santa Monica and I remember saying to my friend like I don't feel great and these guys are very weird and she's like let's get out of here and And then I was out. And so we got out like, you know, but you even just being able to say, I don't feel great. I don't. This doesn't feel right. This is not the high.

Yeah, I don't remember it like that. I mean, and I know because I've done all drugs. I know what's going to hit when it's going to hit, how it's going to hit. And I can navigate, you know, what's your favorite MDMA? See, you really inspired me because like, I feel like I'm afraid of drugs a little bit because of bad experience I've had. But I'm like, fuck, I haven't tried LSD. And now I'm reading all about it in your book.

LSD is like my favorite. So in Canada, all of these things are legal, right? And people use like they microdose all of like there's a lot more openness and legalization of like microdosing in Canada. And a lot of my friends are in this business. They're doctors, they're therapists. So they get the best stuff. When they get Molly, they order the Molly, then they like parse it up like in their kitchen and they put in capsules and they put in a microdose like 50 milligrams or a hundred milligrams, which is completely manageable completely manageable you're not going you're like okay maybe i'll take four or maybe i'll take one they get their moon rocks from the moon moon that's it's funny too because i always wonder

i'm like who's her plug who's right chelsea handler's drug dealer yeah a lot of people are asking me and i don't want to give that kind of credit to one person until i start getting a better deal of course i feel like maybe that's where I went wrong. I was getting it like the frat. So I was going, woo, wah, wah. Yeah, yeah, right. But Molly, MDMA is great. LSD microdose I think is great for like any sort of outside experience. In nature, everything lights up a little bit more and you don't get out of control either. It just kind of heightens whatever experience you're in. But none of the drugs that i do anymore are like like you're not i mean i don't like that i want to be in like coherent yeah i want to remember

but saying that you want to be coherent but you love lsd is so great for me at least i only ever really did like dirty vegas acid so maybe that's why maybe I've never tried like some some pure shit. Yeah, I'll give you some pure shit. I promise you this is all very good. I buy this sheet every year that it's got 363 hits. And I give it out to people all year long. I just hand it out. I'm like, here, try this. Try this. Everyone is like, oh my God, home run. My friends took it. We went to the Taylor Swift concert in Vancouver and my friends took it

and they were like, oh my God, that was the best concert we've ever seen. That was my first Taylor Swift concert I had never seen and I was like, how would you rate that

to the other ones? They're like, this one felt like a spiritual experience and I'm like, yeah, duh. That's the LSD. Fuck the friendship bracelets.

Chelsea Handler is at the Eros Tour handing out acid. Yes, exactly. I feel like half the battle is trusting where it came from. If you gave me a drug, I'd be like, this is perfect. Amazing. Yeah, it's true.

But God, if I scare you now, which obviously I do, I just can't imagine the way I would scare you on LSD. Don't scare me. You don't scare me. I appreciate you. I appreciate that you're such a big fan. And I really do. You don't scare me at all.

I think it's very sweet. And I was so excited to meet you that is so nice the way she's talking to me like I'm gonna make a wish with like three hours left to live in a disability and it's so real it's really nice to meet you sweetie thank you and then I pet you on your head yes and I thank you for that because you really could be like bitch you were so weird the 19 videos after the the plane experience but it's just wild I don't know it was just so crazy I felt like I would never that God almost was gonna keep me away from you for your sake uh right I felt that way about people. Like I had, oh God, there was somebody I had such a bad

experience with that I hoped I would never, ever see again. And then I saw that person like immediately. And I felt so sorry that they had to deal with me. So I can relate to what you're saying. I was like, oh God. But like from your perspective, you know what I mean? That's not my perspective about you because why would it be? But when I did that to someone and I remember like embarrassing myself in front of someone and seeing them, I remember feeling that. Like, please, I don't want you to have to deal with me. Like, I'm sorry that you see my face. And I really did have to sedate myself today so that I would act accordingly.

What did you take to sedate yourself? I took a little bit of a Xanax. And you're just up and like if I take a Xanax, I'm in bed. I weirdly think I could do anything on Xanax, which is like horrifying. Scary. A little horrifying. Xanax is, I gotta say, shout out to Xanax. I love Xanax. I love Xanax. So much. And yeah, and you can only, I can only get my prescription filled every 30 days which is so annoying I know it's really annoying no I start using other people

I like make them pick it up you have to go to different pharmacists too it's a whole thing and then you're like I'm obviously a drug addict if I have two different pharmacies but okay then

I go through that a lot I do but I need it I go to the farmacia in Mexico that's where my Xanax comes from yeah they have the best Viagra too you should try that oh I have have you ever taken Viagra as a woman?

No. I feel like it would, what does it give you as a woman? Like big clit? It's supposed to be, my old roommates used to take it. They like intentionally took Viagra as women and they said it was like similar to ecstasy.

Like you're just super touchy. Oh, really? Yes. What, male Viagra or female Viagra? I think there's only male Viagra, right? No, I think women have some sort of version of it. Oh, no, it was male, like Viagra, Viagra or female Viagra? I think there's only male Viagra, right? No, I think women have some sort of version of it. Oh, no, it was male, like Viagra, Viagra. And it made you that way?

I didn't take it. My roommates did. Oh, interesting. Interesting. It's like a whole thing they used to do for fun. A whole, yeah, basket of drugs I'm missing. Well, yeah, truly I just felt like I had to sedate myself today. I was like, I don't ever really depersonalize either,

but I was telling Brooke I was in my backyard and I was finishing up the book and I like looked at my hands. And I was like, these are so weird. Like these five fingers. And I started to just get all weird about my hands. And I was like, I should take drugs before I see her. No. I'm going. Whatever drugs you need to take.

Yes, 100%. And I knew you'd appreciate it. Of course. You know, so. I personally pre-gamed. But I heard you say, like, if you're nervous for something, it means you care about something. That's true. Someone told me that.

My therapist told me that a long time ago. And I love that advice because I used to get really nervous, like, randomly. You know, I go on stage all the time. So it's like not knowing when it's going to hit you would be annoying. And then I'd be like, wait, why am I nervous? I've been doing this for like 15 years. And all of a sudden I'd have like a nervous stretch. That happens to me. And then my psychiatrist at the time or psychologist, I think he is said, he was like,

you know, that means you care. And I was like, oh, that's a nice way to reframe being nervous. I have a question. You said when you walked in that I can't remember if it was on camera or not, but that you didn't have anxiety. Do you like you like were you when you started doing stand-up and stuff like were you anxious at all or were you just like I think that like the definition of anxiety like it like eclipsed me like I didn't understand that anxiety is pretty much all of those feelings like anxiety is like dreading something that's happening right you know also like you like I would have sets in the early parts of my career and it was like all day long I'd be like oh god I don't like I just didn't want to like have to perform that late at night. You know, if that was at 1050, I'd be like, oh, God, I feel like that's a different.

It's scary when you're doing it at night, though. You get delirious and you just start saying shit. And also you like you're trying to remain sober and stay up till 1050. You're like, well, I can't. But but that like I thought, is that anxiety? And it's like not really like I don't have anxiety in the in the sense of the word. But I've had situations that anxiety? And it's like, not really. I don't have anxiety in the sense of the word, but I've had situations that made me anxious. Yeah.

But I don't have anxiety as a pathology. What a blessing. I know. I think it's your generation. It started with social media. It creates anxiety. It does. You think so?

It creates anxiety. If you're on your phone scrolling all day, you're going to become anxious too. That's just a natural. Because you're comparing and thinking about what other people are doing. You're jealous. You get insecure. Like all of the things that the phone does is make us a little bit crazier and more unstable. I agree.

I mean, I think so. I 100% agree. I mean, whenever people take a break from social media and talk about how happy they are, I'm like, wow, that sounds great. I would love to do that. And there's no reason I couldn't, but I'm like, I just don't feel like I have a problem. You know what I mean? Like many things in my life. And I don't believe I have a problem with this is another one. Well, you just handle things so well, truly. Like on paper, I guess how much you drink, I guess someone would say is alcoholism but like not when you're chelsea fucking handler like you know you just i mean i mean i keep my shit together

but i definitely have i've had moments where my shit has not been together so that you know how do you navigate that because see i could never get that one down with the alcohol right like i it was like i'm gonna ruin my fucking life if I keep getting hammered like this. And I could never, I don't have balance though. I'm very yin or yang as a person. What are you, what's your sign? A cancer. Okay.

There you go. Cool. What's your sign? Yin and yang. Pisces. Oh, Pisces. Isn't that what cancer is? Yeah.

I'm very all in or all out. I'm very emotionally attached to things I do. My mom was cancer. My niece is a cancer. Yeah. I mean, I don't know if I believe in these fucking signs, this Western very emotionally attached to things I do. My mom was cancer. My niece is a cancer. Yeah. I mean, I don't know if I believe in these fucking signs,

this Western astrology. It seems a little modern. I agree. It seems a little bit like Mormonism, you know, too like recent. I want old shit

from like Egypt. I want Asterian astrology. I want people to tell me what planet I was born into and what's in my anus and what's in some, you know, like I don't believe in like,

I'm a Pisces. I don't know what that means. I don't know what a rising sign means. I don't buy all of that Western astrology. Yeah. I used to only pretend to care when I wanted to fuck someone and they were into that, you know,

when it benefits me. If a guy's a straight man is into astrology, he's not straight. He's not, he's not straight. Or he belongs on a farm, you know, or like a big sir type situation.

And the Burning Man. Yeah, Burning Man also can go. I love that you hate that. Burning Man and Pickleball are my two least favorite topics to discuss. How do you feel about Cybertrucks? Same thing as I do about, same way I feel about Pickleball. I feel like if you put that in a Venn diagram, though, there'd be a big crossover. Like people who enjoy one of those things usually enjoy all of that.

I agree with you i think that's absolutely right cyber trucks are so ugly and so but now everyone's vandalizing teslas so yeah i mean hopefully we don't have to see those much more i would love that i really would i don't know why i hate a cyber truck i returned my tesla did you good for you i got a different electric car i didn't even know you could return a Tesla. Like that's so funny. People are putting like Hyundai on the back because like obviously. People, yeah. My sister has her Tesla. I'm like, you better get rid of that because there's another electric car that's giving you like 15 grand if you trade in your Tesla. And then so you get 15 grand incentivization to get a different car. Wow. I don't think it's as nice as a Tesla because my

nephew had it and he has no money. So, but whatever. There are other cars out there. So I suggest everyone get a different car. I'm still on gas cars. Oh, really? Yeah. I don't drive. You don't drive?

What do you do? Rollerblade? I mean, no, honestly, anything with wheels. I think I should always have feet flat on the ground. I'm not really, I'm not really able-bodied. I'm closer to disabled, I think. She doesn't have her license yet, but she's getting ready. Yet's even crazy. I'm closer to disabled I think she doesn't have her license yet but she's she's getting ready yeah it's even crazy I'm not getting ready she's lying for me and that's what a good friend does

you know she wants me to not look as right right because yeah to you you know but I would just want to say if you were ever to drive LA is the easiest place to find your way around because it's one big grid everything is parallel like and from here from the valley to Beverly Hills around because it's one big grid. Everything is parallel. Like, and from here, from the valley to Beverly Hills and beyond, it's all just one grid. It's all north

and south, east and west. Like everything. Same with Vegas. Bold of you to assume I know north, east, south and west.

I'm going to get you a compass and a map. Thank you. And once you see it, when I moved to LA, like I can't, I have no sense of direction. Mostly because I'm not,

you know, really paying attention. Why would I? Why would you? There's navigation and, but like when I moved to la like i can't i have no sense of direction mostly because i'm not you know really paying attention why would i would you know there's navigation and but like when i moved to la there wasn't all that stuff i moved here in 1993 the year that al gore invented the internet i think that was 94 yeah 94 but i had they had this like thomas guide and you had to use that to get around and i was like auditioning and stuff i got lost lost every fucking day. I didn't know where I was going. And I had no sense of direction. And then someone just showed me a giant grid of the map of LA.

And that like every street runs parallel, like La Cienega, Robertson, you know, it goes on, Doheny. And I was like, oh, then I just clicked. And now I never have a problem getting anywhere. You look, if you see the mountains, you're going that way. And if you see no mountains, you're going the opposite way.

When you explain it that way, it's like, damn, maybe I could. I mean, obviously, it's also just you explaining it. So I'm like, of course I can do it. Yeah, I see it now. I'm very ADHD, though. I'm very squirrel. I'm very. Yeah.

And I just, I don't want to kill people. People I love or strangers. You probably shouldn't be driving. Yeah, I just, I don't know. I don't know. When they were thinking about, you know. I was going to say say she's bought like 11 cars and she's never driven one oh my god i like to give people cars that's nice i've done that she gave me a car that's nice what kind of car did you get a bronco that's so nice i know i love that i know i'm like glad she doesn't drive

because she would have had to buy it for herself yeah i mean it's a beautiful car and i can't i would much i'm a passenger princess at heart okay i like to click clack on the phone i'm vaping away i don't know where i am usually like it's you know where are you usually besides vegas and here nowhere no i try to leave la my boyfriend is from hawaii he lives in hawaii so i go to hawaiian yeah oh really yeah and brazilian and a lot of other things but yeah so. So I like to go there. And how long have you been with your boyfriend? A year and three months.

Okay. Well, who's counting? Me. Yeah. Because this is a very different territory for me, I think. Because you're getting serious in a serious relationship? Yeah. And I just always was like a violent whore.

You know, just violent and a whore. You know, like just crazy. And he's reforming me I'm I'm reforming myself this is the first time I've ever really taken something seriously oh wow or been with someone who wasn't awful I hate to say that I tell all my exes in the world but yeah well it's good to break those patterns yeah as a woman yeah you know you don't want to have to keep making the same mistake twice you know know, I don't want to go to summer school. I want to go to Mallorca. I like to make my first experience with everything my last experience if it's not positive. God, that's amazing. I don't want to learn the same lesson over and over again. I'm here to

learn all the lessons. So like once I get one, like, it's like when you get rid of like, you know, like bad relationships in your life, it's like you elevate yourself to a higher set of standards. And then there's another level that you can get to and then another level. So I think of life like that. Let's keep getting higher and let's keep setting the standards higher because then what you attract is higher. And that's the way to look at life. I feel like I dated the same caliber of person in a different skin suit. Exactly.

Which is what many of us do. That's very typical. the same caliber of person in a different skin suit. Exactly. You know, like a thousand times. Which is what many of us do. That's very typical. So to break that pattern, to be a cycle breaker, is what it's called, is really important. Not only for you, but for all the people around you and all the women around you, you know? It's good to like, sometimes when I'm breaking up

with someone, I'm like, I'm just doing this for all women. You know, like, this isn't acceptable for any women. Any woman, I'm gonna fucking do it yeah I feel like I finally did break the cycle in that sense and like yeah it sounds like you did yeah and you have a solid relationship for a year and three months that sounds solid and steady it's good honestly it's good I'm giving it my all I mean before that I truly was only attracted to people with like face tattoos lack of parents people who look like they eat cigarettes, people who don't respect women. Have you ever dated anyone with a neck tattoo?

Of course. Yeah. So many. And that's just, to do that, you have to be a different, a different, just to feel that pain.

And they weren't even good neck tattoos. That's the thing is I was liking the people who wanted like misspelled words across. Right. No regrets. Oh yeah. Very no regrets. Yes.

Wow. Yes. Wow. Interesting. across right no regret oh yeah very no regrets yes wow yes so interesting i finally went very outside of my natural type and obviously found a decent person and you know and what about you what's your situation um i'm in a relationship too no neck tattoos but it's newer than hers it's like eight months okay but but you're into him and now we have no podcast topics i know we're in an era right now where it's like almost like bad because i mean we made this whole situation out of like talking about horrible things we're doing and that are being done to us and now we're like fuck like

he made dinner last night right that's the way it goes did you struggle with that chelsea like making well no i do i continue to struggle with just in eras of your well I guess you always find a way that's why you are who you are and you're the woman that you are you always find a way to write about anything that's happening in your life and make material out of it did I struggle with what like have you ever had just lulls in topics or lulls in inspiration like where do you find this is good because this is important for everyone to hear and And this is I think I read this today, too. And I feel this way. There are seasons of planting and seasons of harvesting.

Like, truly, you're not supposed to be creative all year long. You have periods where you have bursts of creativity, right, where you have bursts of inspiration and you're like, OK, I want to work. And and then there's periods of time where you have to go have those experiences. So you fucking have something to talk about. So I find that like the time off is as important as the time on. So I take my vacations very seriously

because those are the experiences that end up giving me the most material and the most stuff to like reflect on. And also what's the point of working so hard unless you're gonna enjoy your fucking money. That's true. And share it and sharing it and bringing people along with you to me is like the greatest gift you can give anybody, you know, to be able to be like,

I'm taking all my friends to wherever. I couldn't agree more. I mean, that's the best feeling. It is. And you always, you go out of the comfort zone too. Like I'm always doing that. I'll take the friends to Cabo for the 97th time. But like the fact that at one point you were just like we're gonna go to Uganda for not no reason

but you know what I mean just for the fuck of it and like you're just very good at getting out of your comfort zone as well I'm going to Antarctica this year you're lying excited about that yeah oh how exciting what are you going for uh this big this group goes on these trips this this like uh this group plans these trips and i met them i was going to south by southwest last week and i hopped on i got a plane ride with some people and they were like oh we just got back from egypt we rode down the river nile it was like this crazy trip i'm like what kind of trip and they're like we're doing one in patagonia and we go to antarctica and i was like oh i would like in on that like if it's like where is patagonia patagonia

is in the like the southernmost part of south america and that. Like if it's like- Where is Patagonia? Patagonia is in like the southernmost part of South America. And that's like where, right where like Argentina, beyond there, that's where you go to go to Antarctica. Like beyond, like Chile, like go down to the southernmost tip. So, and then you go and you see all the icebergs and you see all the penguins and you see, I think they have polar bears, right? In the south or is that the north? No, no, you see polar bears. Anyway, it's going to be gone soon. So it's all ice. So it's like really cool to see. And it's like an archeological expedition, but I've always wanted to go to Antarctica. Anyway, a guy from the company, I was like, call me. I want to come on this trip and

I'm going to bring a couple of people. And then he called me and I was like, listen, do you want me to do anything on this trip? Like in exchange for the trip, you know, like I can talk, I do stand up or I could be interviewed. And he's like, why don't we just interview you one night at the end of the trip? And I was like, great. Can my friends come for free? And like, you know, I'll pay for my thing. And he's like, yeah, definitely. So I'm like, great.

I really thought you were going to say, can I suck your dick or something. No, I would never say, can I suck your dick to anyone? Why would I? I mean, I don't think you have to. Yeah. Yeah. Can I suck your dick or something no I would never say can I suck your dick to anyone why would I I don't think you have to yeah can I suck your dick wow I've said that I should kill myself

and has anybody said no I don't think so I hope not so it's kind of a rhetorical question yeah I guess that's true if you're really ready to suck dick

I think everybody's going to be open to it you know what guy is going to be like no you can't suck my dick you know I just don't know why I immediately went to sexual favor in my head versus like an interview.

For Antarctica too. Like maybe just that would be better. Old habits die hard. They do. They do. You know that, Tana. It's so funny because my name is Tana. Like my parents, like T-A-N-A is Tana, like Lana.

You know what I mean? No, but what about like, oh no. But my parents just didn't know phonics, you know, and bless their heart. Do you have brothers and sisters? Oh, so you don't have any other names to compare and contrast to. No, no, no, no. I don't. I was born an only child.

My best friend's family ended up taking me in. Oh, they did? Yeah. Oh, did you have a bad childhood? Yeah. Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah. But I mean, I wouldn't change it.

Right. You know? I mean, listen, bad childhoods is what makes us like salty and resilient. And so I- I love salty and resilient. And being from, I'm from New Jersey, so I am salty. Like everyone from New Jersey is salty. But I love an East Coast bitch.

Yeah, me too. And I love being from New Jersey. It's better than going there. You know, like I'm headed there in life, you know, like moving to New Jersey as an adult. Like there's, that's not a cool thing to say. I'm moving to New Jersey. But being from New Jersey is better. You know, I'm from New Jersey.

So people know, oh, she's going to be a little bit tougher. Yes. But I love that. I always say that I feel like people from Vegas resemble the same things as people from the East Coast. Like just that being more brash and being more gritty. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

It is just. But I mean, yeah, with the childhood, I don't know. I guess I wouldn't change it. You know, it's like you always talk about how like you kind of knowing that your parents, you know, knowing you were smarter than your parents from a very young age shaped who you were as an individual across your life. And I resonate with that so much. Yeah, I mean, I don't know that I was smarter than my parents.

I was more ambitious than my parents. I was more ambitious. I knew what I wanted and I was going to get it. And anyone who got in my way was going to get tossed to the side. Absolutely. Were you literally like that as a five-year-old? Yeah. So do you think you were truly just born like that?

I was born with like, I was like, oh, I felt like a celebrity when I was born. And I was like, what is this welcoming? Like, this is not appropriate or commensurate to the way I felt about myself. I had high self-esteem at a very early age. I valued my opinion. I thought I had a lot to say. And I thought people should respect me. And even when I was a baby, I felt like I was trapped in a baby's body and that I was a woman.

And I wanted to start my life and split ties with these people that said they were my family. They are not on the same page as me. Like I wanted to have a housekeeper. I wanted to have multiple homes and residences. I wanted to travel the world and I was like, these people will just bring me down.

Talk about manifestation. Yeah. I couldn't agree more. Totally. But never ever was there a moment in my life where I was like, I was unequivocally set. Like, I knew exactly what I was going to do. There was never a question like, maybe I'll become a teacher or an accountant or there just wasn't.

Like, I can't do anything else. So I, but talk and entertain and like inspire and, and support, you know, like that, those are the things I'm good at. So that, that you, once you get, find out what you're good at, you support, you know, like that, those are the things I'm good at. So that, that you, once you get, find out what you're good at, you kind of have to run with that.

And it's just like what you're saying, like this whole career that you've built for yourself and getting into trouble and not really being canceled, you know, you joke about being canceled and you may have felt canceled at times, but this is what you're good at. And once you get good at what you're good at, then nobody can stop you.

They honestly needed that. I feel like I'm at church. This is so fucking, I almost cried and I'm holding back my tears because I'm not fucking crying in front of Chelsea Handler right now, but it is so fucking crazy that you are sitting across from me

saying that to me right now. And I never really give myself time to feel accomplished. And today feels like one of the greatest days of my life this is all I could have ever wanted I I just idolize you so much and I don't idolize anyone else in the way that I idolize you like you are just so fucking outspoken and so powerful and you always have been and it's in just a world where people want nothing more than women like us to shut the fuck up you never have for even a second and if i could even be a sliver like the woman that you are i would truly feel so accomplished in my life and i can't believe you were just saying that to me

it's i know but look where you are now i mean how i mean you're right that's awesome look what you've accomplished thank you so much look at that it's awesome for both of you it means you should enjoy yourself like yeah i understand what you're saying like about i want to say something about that like i think it's really important for all of us to always a remind ourselves of our value remind of ourselves of how far we've come because you get lost in this and you get lost in the shuffle and especially when you're in this industry it's always like it can feel like a rat race but you have to think about where you came from what your story is and how you got here today and remind

yourself of the power that lies within you you're so right i feel like i am finally in this era of my life where i'm prioritizing taking the time to stop and slow down and be proud of myself and see all that I've accomplished and whatnot. And it is it's wild because you battle with that. I think at first it's like, no, I have to keep going. And I don't know, fear has always been my biggest motivator, you know, fear that this could all go away or the fear that I'm not good enough. I'm not doing enough. I'm not whatever. But there is a point where it's like, wow, look at all the things, I guess. And also reflection, like reflecting back to the childhood version of yourself, reflecting back to who you were when you were 15 or 16, thinking about all of the growth and all of the learnings and like everything that you've done. Like there's a lot to be proud of.

You know, you're the reason you're here. You're the reason you got yourself here. You're the reason you're going to get yourself through the next 5, 10, 15 years and all of the upcoming accomplishments. So it's very important for women to really think about that. Think about all of the things you've done. I feel like that's kind of a lot of what your new book is as well. And it's cool how much just to hear you, don't know talking in this book about your new life and just all the reflection and the therapy and everything I swear I started reading this book and in like the first chapter first or second chapter you start talking about sunshine and

rainbows and I was like where is Chelsea Handler like this is you're almost in this like you're more positive than ever and more self-reflective than ever and more the gratitude as well I feel like that was one of my biggest takeaways from this book like reading your pages where you were writing the things that you're grateful for each day and putting those in the book I think was such a cool power move by the way it was just like really it inspired me so much I was like holy fuck that's. You know, when I came to LA and people talked about fucking gratitude and yoga, you know, chakras, I was like, oh my God, shut the fuck up.

And then you get to an age where you're like, okay, well, wait, this isn't working. I'm a fucking angry. What's wrong with me? And then you realize like, the more I read about energy and gratitude and like the vibe you're putting out is the vibe you're putting out is the vibe

you're going to get back. And when you really intentionally try to be a happy, optimistic, positive person, the things that come your way are endless. And the things that match that energy are endless. And the same goes for being in a shitty mood all the time or being negative all the time, then that's what you get. You get negativity, you get things that don't go your way when you focus on being a victim or you got fucked over by this person or that person. It's all bullshit. Like move on. You're strong enough to move past that. And when you do focus on the positive, the more you get. So that's why I'm positive because I'm like manipulating the universe. I'm like, bring it on. I love it. I love more, more, more, more. You're so right. That's really what it is, is manipulating, gaslighting the universe.

You want me to write a gratitude list? No problem. I'm grateful. I love drugs. Thank you for them. I love my dog. Thank you for my dog. I love my house. Thank you for my house. I liked it though. It's so real. It is. As someone who has been a very pessimistic a lot of my life. I was like that for many years. I was always like sarcastic. I mean, I'm still sarcastic. I'm never going to wash that out. We know.

But I mean, why not be like bouncy and full of joy? You know what I mean? The world is fucking, we're all going to die. So I want to be in a good mood. So when I cross over, I get collected by the right people. I feel like I struggle a lot with like self awareness in my adulthood. And I feel like I should be a little further along than I am. So I feel like your book was like a good takeaway. I'm like listening. I'm like, she's going to

therapy now. She's learning now. Like, I have time. You definitely have time. I mean, yeah, you do have time. How old are you girls? I'm 26. Oh, my God. Oh, yes. So this is a perfect conversation to be having because I've been where you are and you have 22, 20, you have 22, 24 years to get where I'm going, you know, where I am right now. So like you already are ahead of the curve, you know, you're already having these conversations. I wasn't having these conversations at 26 years old. You're right. And I do, I do appreciate hearing that. I guess sometimes it's almost like how you talk about yourself as a baby. You know, you're an adult. I feel like I'm trapped in an 80. Like I feel 80 sometimes just with the lives that I've lived, you know, and I have to remember that like I'm not 80 and I don't know everything and I haven't been through all that there is to

go through. And you know what I mean? Yeah. How do you feel about vaping? I have no problem with it. I was prepared today to wait until you left the building to vape around you because I could just see you being like, hey, stop that. I would never. Wow. Okay, I'm going to hit my vape. Please. All right. Is that a marijuana vape or a cannabis?

No, nicotine. Oh. And I'm a slave to this embarrassing little battery with stars on the side. That isn't the best look, but go for it. It's the worst. You gotta do you, right?

Do you, you don't, you got hypnotized to stop smoking. I did. Sometimes I have a cigarette though. And that worked. Yeah. It worked for 10 years.

And then I was like, well, that worked. Now I can smoke again. Have you used hypnotism? You know what I'm trying to say for anything else? Um, what?

Yeah, I think I used it. I did use it for something else what else did i use it for aren't you scared they're doing weird shit to you while you're under i don't mind it's not like that you're like you're awake you know what's happening but you're just really subdued yes it's not like you're out of it and then you're all of a sudden your legs are in stirrups that's what i think i'm like a little bit of a skeptic but so many people have like told me amazing things about it i'm like like, wait, maybe I should try it. Yeah, it does work. It

worked for me. I quit smoking for 10 years. And then I was in Europe with my girlfriends and they were smoking. And I was like, well, I guess you can't get cancer in Europe. So I had a cigarette with them. And then I kind of now when I'm in Europe, I'll smoke a little here and there. But you know, I'm 50 years old. I can't camp over there though. I guess. Once in a while, a cigarette is exactly what I need. It's fucking fun to smoke. Yeah, there's not much you can replace it with. And it sucks because it's so bad for you. But so this guy puts you half under.

Yeah. It's giving laughing gas. You're kind of subdued, but you're still there. It's more of a mental state. He counts you down. He tells you how gross you are for smoking. Basically berates you for like 30 minutes. And he's like, you know what you're putting into your lungs every time you take a hit off a cigarette. And you're like, wow, God, it sounds like I'm a coal miner. It's bad stuff. And you go three times. And on the third

time is when you quit. Not the first time, not the second time. You do one once a week for three weeks. And on the third time, he goes, time. You do one once a week for three weeks. And on the third time, he goes, okay, you'll never smoke again. And on my last thing, his name is Kerry Gaynor. And then the last time, he's in Santa Monica. And the last time I went, he was like, you'll never smoke again. And I said, okay, I'm going out tonight with my friends and they smoke. What do I do when they smoke? Should I not go out with them? And he's like, no, you go out with them. It will feel, it will be as if you've never smoked a day in your life. And I went out and that's exactly what happened. And I didn't smoke a cigarette for 10 years. That's the craziest. I'm doing it. I watched the scary movie where the guy hypnotizes and then he hurts. She's in

stirrups, you know, and he does all the things and it scared me so bad. I mean, men are scary. But yeah, that is, I mean, yeah. But I wouldn't go into a hypnosis session assuming I'm going to get ripped. Yeah, I should. You know what I mean? That just seems a little slightly alarmist. I should re-approach my thoughts. Or bring a friend, you know?

Like, yeah, go with her. Groupon. Yeah, I guess that's true. It is so true. Did you see that there was a girl who got her wisdom teeth out and she- With a Groupon? No, I mean, she came out. I shouldn't even be talking about this. She came out of the wisdom tooth surgery see that there was a girl who got her wisdom teeth out and she with a group on no i mean oh

she came out i shouldn't even be talking about this she came out of the wisdom tooth surgery and she was celibate and then she ended up being pregnant nine months later dentists do this a lot yeah i've heard this there was like a 2020 episode or a dateline something years ago where they showed this girl who was taken advantage of or at the dentist's office. And she went back and knew she had been raped. So she went back again and videoed it. So she got raped twice to videotape it. And in the dentist's office, there are stirrups. And I'm like, I'm sorry, what dentist has stirrups? That's wild. That doesn't happen. And also voluntarily going back to do it again, just to get the video footage. I don't, nothing this woman did is pretty crazy.

But then I'm thinking about it and I'm like, maybe she saved somebody in the future. But like you had to get the video. Yeah, that's, why do I feel like that's something I would do? And don't get put it down or put out. Don't get put down either, but don't get put out at a dentist's office. Yeah, that's wild. That's a little too far. Like you get laughing gas.

You don't need to be put under for any sort of dental work. I know. And if you do, then you should be in a surgical center, not a dental office. Yeah, you're 100% right. I only see female dentists after I saw that on 2020 or whatever dateline. Yeah, you're right.

Years ago, like 20 years ago. You guys were six years old. Yeah. Four years old. I am too like hypervigilant of always. Like an Uber driver offers me a water and I'm like, and it's like, I don't need to. I'm the opposite.

I have blind trust in everybody. Somebody could approach me like in the middle of the street. I'm like, whatever. I'm kind of like that, too. I don't think anyone's out to get me. But no one's going to hurt you. People always bring me drugs at my shows. People are always handing me edibles or brownies.

And my man, you know, whoever's with me is like, OK, let's get rid of all this stuff. I'm like, no, no, no. And my fans aren't trying to poison me. So you do fan drugs. Yeah, she's with me is like, okay, let's get rid of all this stuff. I'm like, no, no, no. And my fans aren't trying to poison me. So you do fan drugs. Yeah. She's exactly the opposite. But I feel like you've had enough bad experiences where like it's warranted to me. I'm like, I will eat anything. I'll try anything. I trust everyone. A fan could bring me a closed bag of hot Cheetos and I'm like, they are going to drug me, you know? And it's like, they love you. No, they're not. Like it's too much paranoia. I'm serious. I am like paranoid as a person.

Yeah, I'm not. I don't have that gene. I'm not paranoid. And I'm not. Yeah, I know that gene. I'm Jewish. So a lot of Jews are very paranoid. They're hypochondriacs and they're paranoid.

My friend was at my house one night when I, this is at my old house. And she was like, where does my dogs at the time? I had these two dogs. And she's like, where do they sleep? And I and i'm like well one sleeps on the terrace and one sleeps inside and she's like you lock him out there by himself all night i go no the doors are open like the doors are open and i lived in bel-air at the time and she goes you chelsea you cannot sleep with your doors open i'm like i have a complete security system i have a gate i like what you think somebody's gonna come and alley-oop up to my balcony

from the tree? God, I would do anything for that chemical. And if they can, okay. But she's a fearful person. Like, she lives in fear. She questions everything. And I'm the opposite. I am just like, whatever. You know? Me too. If they take me, if they take me. Yeah, that's kind of how I feel.

Like, if they get me, whoopsie. But I also feel like someone would pull a gun on you and you would like cuss them out and talk them out of it. Possibly. Like you would be like, what the fuck are you doing? You're holding it wrong. And like, this is embarrassing. I'd be like, I was going to do it anyway. Yeah.

Shoot me. I'm tired too. Let's wrap this up. Exactly. I'm not that invested in this life. You know what I mean? It's like my will to live isn't like that high. So's like why the pick what pick a side you know exactly how I feel my will to live is like yeah I can take it or leave it like I'm gonna make the best out of it but also if I'm not

gonna be around I'm okay with that too and what a cool way to die I'm like really big on like if I'm gonna die young it has to be in like a respectable way. Like if I get hit on a lime scooter, all my friends have to lie. If I like get shot, like huge brownie points. Everyone's like, oh, she got shot. Yeah. No. Yeah. If I died in an embarrassing way, I feel like I would try to resurrect to.

Well, you know what I mean? Like if I died like and it was like a robber, everyone would be like, she's so brave. I used to have these fantasies. I know. I shouldn't even say this out loud because I'm bringing on bad karma. So I won't. I'll skip it. But I was so excited.

Do you ever have hero fantasies about how you're going to save the day or you're going to save a bunch of people on an airplane crash? I have those. Do you ever have those fantasies? Yes. I used to have those when I was little. I was like, I'm going to be a hero. Everyone's going to know who I am because I'm going to rescue babies off of a plane that has crashed what strain of narcissism is that I don't know

I don't know because I know I yeah I suffer as well it's so weird and then but it's very it's not very it's not uncommon I've heard other people talk about that no but I've been there where like an ex-boyfriend does me so wrong like he would feel so bad yeah oh yeah yeah yeah yeah that's like yeah vengeful for sure um wellness for sure but add it to my list it's like we should talk more about her book and her special like he's on here we have we're good we're good don't worry about it good chelsea i mean god i mean it's wild just how you can still put out a book that is and again you're chelsea hamler no shit can't, but it's so fucking incredible. You've been doing this for, this is your seventh book?

Seventh book. It's my sixth number one New York Times bestseller. So it's the number one New York Times bestseller, which was incredible news. I didn't go to college. I just- But you're such an avid reader as well. Yeah, I am an avid reader,

but all my brothers and sisters went to college. So I love every time I become a New York Times number one reader to be like hey guys guess who is it guess who has it's me again the one who didn't go to college you guys all wasted your time and are in the corporate world and I'm leaving the screen and I'm in my orca right now thriving and but I mean obviously now it's your bread and butter and you kill it and you know how to do it but like when you were writing it was my horizontal life that was my first book that was your first and butter and you kill it and you know how to do it. But like when you were writing, it was my horizontal life. That was my first book. That was your first book. What made you want to do that? Like where, how did you start? I want to know, cause I'm, I'm in the process of writing my first book. You are my grandest inspiration.

Okay. So let me tell you this. So my first book was my horizontal life, a collection of one night stance. I used to tell these stories at dinner parties and people would be like, oh, my God, they're so funny. Like I was very good at storytelling, right? I didn't know I could make a living telling stories. I didn't know I could make a living being myself. So that's what you're doing. You're making a living being yourself. So you – I wrote this book, One Night Stands.

Everyone said that no one – no publisher in America wants it. It's too – no one wants to hear a woman talk about sleeping around. I'm like, everyone I know sleeps around. Everyone I know is in their 20s, is having sex with strangers. That's just what you do. So I got published by Bloomsbury, this company in the UK, this very well-respected publishing house in the UK. They sold that book in 60 countries. How did that even happen?

I made $35,000 on my advance of that book, okay? My next book was I was called, Are You There, Vodka, It's Me, Chelsea. And that was a book about drinking and drug use. That's the first book I ever read. And being- Recreationally, I guess, like the first book I ever opened. Book that wasn't assigned to you from school. And that was another subject matter that everyone said, no one's going to want to buy this. No one's going to. But after the success of my first book,

then I had a publishing house here say, okay, we're going to pay you a lot of money to write this book. And that was about a subject matter that everyone told me not to talk about. Drinking, whatever. No one wants to hear about women doing that. So this is two experiences where I've talked about things that were not supposed to be talked about, right? And there are huge successes. Then the most recent thing was not having children, right? No one was talking about that really in a big way. Like years ago, I started talking about that and being loud about it. And people were like, oh, you hate children. I don't hate children. Anyone who reads my book knows how many children I have in my life. Anyone who really knows me knows how many children I have in my life, how many people's children, not just my nieces and nephews, other

people's children. Like I care about the children of our world. I think all children are everyone's children. When you're writing anything, my point being is that I've been told over and over again, not to do these things, not to talk about these things, that it's going to impact my career. I have been making a living doing this for over 25 years. I have three homes. I have so many beautiful friends and families. I do whatever the fuck I want. Nobody tells me what to do in my standup, my specials, my podcast, my books. I do everything myself and I do what I wanna do.

So when you are truly authentically who you are, you will get rewarded for your authenticity. So I cannot express that enough to anyone who's listening, who is a creative. And even if you're not a creative, you have to be authentically who you are, regardless of what anyone says, and you will have success. That is it. That's why I've always loved you. I really like, because I do, I experience the same, similar things where I've always been like too authentic you know what I mean and what I say and how I ever started making a living and doing this was doing

story time videos telling stories from my life and being so incredibly vulgar and talking about all of those things and I think that if I hadn't grown up on Chelsea lately and grown up on you I would have been so much more fearful to be as authentic as I have been. And this industry hates that, you know? Yeah. And it's, yeah, because they're not writing your story for you. You're writing your own story, but there's so much more power in that than being someone who's placed in a cast, who's a supporting character in a role or in a movie or something. You have your own like avenue to drive down. So there is so much power in that. I don't have to go and do anything I don't want to do because I've made my lane and nobody can

really knock me down because I'm good at it. I'm just being myself. You are the best at it. So thank you. But I mean, it's not like I'm arrogant about it. I'm confident about it because I'm capable and I understand that the most authentic I've ever been has yielded the best rewards. So I just go always for authenticity and that's clearly what you're already doing. So your book is gonna be successful. You just have to be true about who you are.

And that's it. It's as easy as that. And share whatever you're thinking. Should I share this? Should I not? Share it. Do you ever get the,. And share whatever you're thinking. Should I share this? Should I not? Share it. Do you ever get the, I mean, I'm sure you do, but the little, I mean, I don't know if you do actually, the little bits of anxiety of like, I'm fucking exposing so many people. Or, I mean, even when you give people the fake names, knowing that people are just maybe going to know

who the people are anyhow. Well, there's a line there. You have to protect private people. You do, because it's not legal. They can sue you. So it's libelous. So you do have to protect. And in my book, I've even had to protect some people because there's certain stories in there that aren't flattering about ex-friendships. And I've changed the arc of who they are. Not the arc of who they are. I've changed the details about who they are. I've changed the geography of who they are, the sex. And, you know, like you just do that. What if you change everything and people still find it out? I mean, you're telling the truth, right? Well, that's what I'm concerned about.

Who, the people you're talking about? Because I've been very public about my life. Right. To where even if I were to change people, I think people would still put two and two together. Well, that's okay. As long as you're not making it clear to the reader exactly who the person is that you're talking about. Even if you've been like, your editor will guide you on these things. And they will tell you like, you know, you do a whole legal call with lawyers and everything and you go

through every character. Is this a real person? What is true? What are the similar facts? Like, there's enough to change even if you've been vocal. I mean, there are some things that might be off limits. Just be who you are. You don't have to bury other people all the time, but you have to be who you are. You have to be true to your story. And regardless of what you've said in the past, when you're writing it down, that's more permanent. Do you know what I mean? Yes. That's right. So there are ways to just kind of dance around who the people are and to kind of give anonymity to private citizens they want

apparently we've struggled with that a little bit where it's you said it like it's not always it's your story but like it also belongs

to somebody else like we struggle with that like obviously we want to tell every crazy horrible story ever right of course of course I mean I yes

even I have some stories I have to keep to myself that I want to I can't imagine. Like, such good content. I can't imagine. It's so funny thinking about the things that even the Andrew Cuomo thing, I was like, there's no fucking way she's saying this shit right now. Like, that was crazy.

He's a public person. Okay. He's a public person. So public people. So I can shit on celebrities. It's a different set of rules. Yes. If you had a bad experience with some celebrity and you wanted to call them out,

you can do that because they're public. So private citizens have more laws protecting them. That's so interesting. Yeah, it is. So that's why you have to disguise private people. And you can expose others. In my book, I've exposed a bunch of people, famous people. Woody Allen. I mean, Woody Allen,

Bill Cosby. It's so funny. They were your idols. It just like bad lineup. Seriously. That was my bad taste in men, but I don't have any bad taste in men anymore. Where do you do your best writing? Like, what does that look like for me? I've noticed it's on a plane and I've literally debated to finish this book, just flying back and forth from London and just, I do a lot of writing on planes. I get, I get a, yeah, but I also do a lot of writings. Like, I don't know. I don't have like a regimen. I just kind of, I don't ever put pressure on myself when I want to write, I write. And then when you write, you write more, like, you know, like I'll say for a week, okay, every morning, get up and write two hours for one week. And then on the fifth day you want to write, even though you don't have to,

you know, like you're like, oh, okay, I'll go do that. And the more you write, the more you want to write. And so you get yourself into the zone and then you get into like the flow state. And then you're like, oh, I love it. Then you're looking forward to writing. And then you come home and you're like, oh, I know something I could put in that story. And here's a detail I forgot. And here's a person that was there. And this is a funny piece of dialogue. And then it just becomes kind of addictive. And the creativity is like, oh, you know, you've got your juices flowing. Do you feel like authors get better or worse as time goes on? Because sometimes I'm like, I don't want to read a book later on because I'm like, they ran out of all their good ideas. No, I think writing gets better.

You think so? I definitely think you get better. I've definitely gotten to be a better writer. Before I was like, like it was just jokey, jokey, jokey. Now there's introspection, there's depth, there's reflection. I think you get, it's like you get better with age. You just do. You have more experience. You have more wisdom. You have more to share.

And you understand people and you have more empathy. I never gave a shit about what anybody else was feeling or going through. I'd be like, I had sympathy, but I was like, I never imagined what it would be like to be a person who was going through a hard time. So when you – as you age, you pick up all of these like tools, you know. So you get stronger and you're like – you know, it's sexier. Like you have more to say and you have more confidence in your own – in your capability. So you do get better. It's not just about the ideas.

It's about, you know, like becoming more and more and more authentic. With personal growth. I feel like this is your best book almost. It is crazy how much. I've always really loved Life Will Be the Death of Me, though. Like it's that one. Yeah, thank you. That one is so good.

It's just they're both my favorite but i did find myself crying a lot across this book like really and i don't know what it actually is i need to see a therapist in this one but the the oopsie poopsie of it all had me sobbing because it's before this book one of my major questions because you have been so vocal especially across these past few years about you not wanting to have kids. And I do feel like it maybe was publicly perceived more so as like a disdain for kids. Yes. And so I was going to kind of ask you, you know, have you like even just finding out Joe Coy has a son.

Uh-huh. And just I was like, I was going to ask you about. That's when I found out he had a son. Right. Dating people with children. And then you go into that, all of that in this book and it i don't know it just humanizes you in such a different light and it's cool thank you it's it's just it's really cool i don't know we talked about it yeah before you came but like oopsie

poopsie and wootsie was like a major takeaway for me too because i like i was sobbing too much though to an embarrassing fucking point about it like she and i both grew up like in very like neglectful homes and i like i didn't have anyone step in as such like a large figure but like I'd smaller people come in here and there that were like very impactful for me and I feel like you were that for them like yeah just in little ways like you know like friends parents who would like jump in when mine wouldn't it was so like valuable to me and so I read it and I was like how special like yeah I mean it's really important for people to be seen right it's really important for people to be seen, right? It's really important for children to be seen. I had someone like that in my life, my third grade teacher.

Her name was Mrs. Sheckman. And she would always say, like, you're so special. You're going to do something really special. You're going to impact so many lives. And I believed her, you know. And my family knew, like, I was going to do something too. But it was nice to hear it from an outside source that didn't really have anything invested in me, you know? And, and I think every child needs to hear that they're special and that they have something that no one else has, regardless of what that talent is, you know,

you're, we're there to provide that for children. And I take, I take my parenting pretty seriously. Like, you know, like I want everyone to feel seen. I don't want people to feel like shit. I want people, I want our girls to be confident young girls. And I want people to feel self-assured. And I don't want everyone to feel so insecure. I hate that. But God, you are just selling me on the no kids thing. It's so nice to clock into the stepdad role and then clock out and fuck off.

Like it's, oh my God, it's wild. Every time I listen to you talk about it too much, I'm like, wait, I just, yeah, take the whole uterus out, throw it away. Yeah. Yeah. But first get an ablation. We're going to talk about ablations. I want to do a PSA for women who are listening, who don't want children, who are sure that they don't want children. There are, you could, I don't, I don't know anyone who wants their period when they're not planning on having a child. I got an ablation. My sister told me she got an ablation like five years ago. And I was like, what's that?

And she said, oh, they go in and scorch your uterus. So your uterine lining just- So it stops shedding? Yeah. So they basically like- Cauterizing it almost. Like they fill up your uterus with hot water so that it kills all of like the uterine lining. You don't feel anything.

It's a 15-minute procedure. And I was like, wait, what? And she's like, yeah, and I won't get it because she had bad periods. And I was like, oh, well, I want that. And she's like, but you don't have bad periods. I'm like, I don't want a period. At all. I need my period. It's a pain in my ass. I woke up like the movie Carrie this morning. You know, it's everything. It's so unfair that we have to do that and that we've like, and that you have a tampon in sideways right now. So sideways, Josie. That is sad. Giving my horizontal tampon. Yeah. That's what your name of your book should be. My horizontal tampon in sideways right now. So sideways, Chelsea. That is sad. Giving my horizontal tampon.

Yeah. That's what your name of your book should be, my horizontal tampon. And I was like, oh my God, I called my gynecologist and I was like,

I want an ablation. And I just found out about an ablation. I want one. And she said, they're not really elective. I go, yeah, they are. They are now.

And I'm getting one. And if you don't give me one, I'll go get one somewhere else. I will get a blowtorch and a Xanax and a dream. Cosby's Basement. Oh, yeah. I'll go to Bill Cosby's basement and get me an ablation. And he did.

And I got one. And it was the best thing I've ever. So I don't get a period. Oh, how lucky. So 99% of women never get their period again after. But you also reduce it. You can't have children if you get this. So you have to know that you don't want children just know that that is something because your

doctors will not tell you about it you're the first person i've ever heard talk about it well i thought it was hysterectomy like delete the whole thing hold it in your hands uterus i had no yeah no we don't talk about the ablations enough and honestly i love delete i love it command z throw it in the trash can, delete it, whatever. I said command Z. I know you hate electronics. You're like, what the fuck is she saying? No, I like command Z. I'm okay with that.

I love your hatred for Sonos, by the way, because whoever did make Sonos hates. Wants me dead. Yes. They want me to kill myself with a Sonos speaker. 100 fucking percent. I'm so sick of Sonos. And where's Sonos' competitor? Where's that fucking person?

Hello? Can we get some competition out there? They made that app with their eyes closed. It's bad. It turns on and off at random. My Sonos will turn on, I will turn on Sonos here at my house in LA and it will go on in my house in Whistler.

That's how fucked up Sonos is. I'm too poor for this conversation. I cannot. But it's just all electronics. You're going to have multiple houses one day too thank you I couldn't agree more though the electronics of it all in my dream world I would just hire like a geek squad

to be from Best Buy to be in my house at all times I had that and be careful what you wish for I had a man who was like my AV guy that was at my house so at my old house so often that I finally had to say to him, this isn't like normal. Like let's get, I had a whole room filled with AV equipment

and he was over there all the time. And he said, I think it's good that we're spending this time together. And I looked at him and went, wait, wait, wait, wait, what? You're an AV guy. I don't want to be spending time with you. This is not a relationship you are working here

for my fucking AV system do you ever give him some LSD I feel like that's probably I've given everybody that works for me LSD

or Ozempic whatever they want it's like dealer's choice well I like that you do it all it's like you could give me some LSD you could shoot up my Ozempic you might give me

an ablation on this table right I could definitely a blowtorch right I trustempic. You might give me an ablation on this table. Right, right. I could definitely give you an ablation. A blowtorch. Right. I trust you with my mind. I just like the word ablation even.

I do too. It's euphonious. It rolls right off the top. Oh, look at you go. The way you use a word too. I'm always using words wrong, Chelsea. You had one word. It was in one of the chapters, the title of one of the chapters.

I'm like, I have to ask her what that even means. But of course, I don't remember. Was it municipal? Or what was the word? Julians? No, it was. No, it was. It started to ask her what that even means. But of course, I don't remember. Was it municipal? Or what was the word? Julians? No, it was, no, it started with an M. Unificent.

Unificent. It means generous. Yes. Very generous. I had to Google that one today. And then I still said municipal. I like that. We're learning together.

That's great. Have fun. But you make it seem so attainable, which I love too. You're like, listen, I didn't go to college. I just like to fucking read books and now I know these words.

I went to college and I know nothing. Yeah, it's, no, it's nice. You make me feel like i can do it too you can you know absolutely you always have and it's it's beautiful i was gonna ask you um back to your house are you in your current house or wait this house is a disaster well your architectural digest is my favorite i've literally ever seen is that the house you're in now? No, I have a new house. I love that you just buy houses like they're lattes, though. Well, yeah.

Yeah. Why not? No, it's, and just the financial advisors of it all. Oh, my financial advisors. I mean, you should hear our conversation. I'm so, I'm so mean to mine. I don't mean to be. She's this nice old woman and all she wants is to talk numbers, but it makes me want to kill myself.

I always say, I'm like, listen, I appreciate that you're doing a job, but please don't talk to me about my finances again. Unless there's an emergency. I don't want to know about it. Everything's going to be fine.

Like we're going to be fine. They're like, you're saving. You're not saving. You're spending. You're spending. I'm like, because I'm alive and it's still coming.

I soon, you know, the world's probably going to blow up and I want to have a good time and I will have a good time. I'm not going to be cheap. And it's like it almost creates this sense of delusion where it's like, well, I fucking did this like I'm, you know. Yeah. But it's also not delusional because it's like we are doing it. I did do it myself. I didn't know anyone in Hollywood when I moved here. Yeah, I was white and pretty. So I had an advantage and I came from like a middle class household. So I wasn't, you know, ever living on the street or anything. but I didn't know anyone. I lived with my aunt and uncle who were not in the business. They owned a furniture store and I just started hustling, you know, and I worked really hard.

And like, I did, I was like, I didn't know what I was going to do. At first I was like, I'll be a model. And then I was like, Oh God, I'm not going to fucking starve myself. These girls are so skinny. I like bagels. I'm a Jew. And then I was like, oh, maybe I'll be an actor. And then I was like, oh, I don't know if I'm good at that. You know, reading other people's lines, I want to say what I want to say. Oh, I couldn't agree more. So it's like, it's nice to know that you can do that. Anyone can do whatever they want if you have the right motivation and you're ambitious

and you really are like ready to work hard. Of course, you're going to be successful. You just have to really believe in yourself, especially if you want other people to believe in you. You have to believe in yourself. I needed it. Damn, Chelsea. I do feel like I'm at church.

You have done. So now, I mean, just like what's next for you? What does this next chapter look like? I'm going to do something surprising this year for my 50th. I'm going to do some acting. I'm going to ski with clothes on. I'm going to ski with clothes on as soon as I get back to Whistler. I can't wait to get back to Whistler, first of all, and see my big black dog, Doug.

Oh, he's so majestic, this dog. I finally have a black man in my bed every night who doesn't fucking talk. You know, it's a dream. I'm going to do something. I can't announce the project yet, but I'm going to be doing some acting this year. And it's going to be really entertaining. I wonder what role has to come across your desk for you to be so willing to be like, I'm not going to be Chelsea for this. It's pretty funny and it's great. And it's something everyone will know. They will see

it and be like, oh my God, this is perfect. I am so excited for you. That's crazy. I wish I could talk about it, but I can't yet I mean just damn you have you've done it fucking all I mean we just found out that you've done you did 1074 episodes

of Chelsea lately did I really like how much Adderall in 7 years we've had cancelled I never take Adderall that's not my drug like no stimulants

to get through that no I'm stimulated you know what I mean I don't even drink coffee i'm not a stimulant person that's amazing like i've done coke and all of that stuff but like that's not my drug my drug is like i like to just things that make you happy yeah um but yeah no i didn't you know i i was never into adderall i was now i'm not a coffee drinker i'm up when i wake up it's going that's crazy

though just a thousand fucking seven. What did you say? We've had canceled for three years. We've done like a hundred episodes tops. You had seven years of Chelsea lately over a thousand episodes. That's an interesting contract you have. No, well. Because I have to do 48 episodes of My Dear Chelsea every year.

We're supposed to as well. I mean, I don't have to, but I mean, I do. That's what they ask for. We have 52 episodes of Year to Year we're supposed to put out. Oh, don't have to but i i mean i do i mean that's what they ask for we have 52 episodes of year a year we're supposed to put out oh oh i see i see what you're doing i'm a little slow with it i need to be a little quicker that's because i say the dumbest fucking shit today i'm on my best behavior i'm sedated and i'm listening i'm listening right you know chelsea handler's talking you are listening and i'm i don't need to be funny i don't need to be anything in today's episode. This is gospel.

But normally I am saying the most offensive shit ever. So the editing process, I feel so sorry for my editors and all of these people. They should just let this go. I mean, what's to edit in this conversation? This is fine. This is normally.

But usually it's a hot mess. Yeah, that's exactly what I'm saying. And then it goes out after the edits and we still get in so much trouble. So offensive. But it's, you can't really care, I guess. You know, I have an offensive sense of humor. Yeah, I think you've embraced your offensiveness.

So that's okay. As long as you're aware of it. And just on the right side of, you know, history, you know. Yeah, right. Like good offensive, not bad offensive. But, oh my God. I could ask you questions all day. This is just so surreal.

I mean, I've always had such a fear of meeting my idols and I avoided it at all costs. You should have a fear of meeting your idols. I've met a lot of people that were disappointing. But I've also met a lot of nice surprises. Yeah, and this is like the loveliest surprise in the world. Eventually, I prepared so much for this right like so many questions written i i watched everything that i felt like i hadn't watched because i was like how embarrassing if i'm like i'm her super fan and then she asked a

question and i don't know the thing and then i have to end my own life later tonight you know and it's so i did as much research as possible and it's just like now that you're here it's just it's so wild it's we're very grateful she just head-butted herself into the microphone she just went i'm gonna need a second nose job it's gonna be ash a permanent ash wednesday on your forehead i used to get those when i masturbated when i was a little girl which you can see in my special me talking about i used to masturbate on the um not the the swing set but on the bars in between the swing sets that would hold up the swing set. Before you got here, I literally said I had such a specific experience when I was

younger. I was probably in first grade, sliding down the little pole. I literally remember being like, like, what was that? Yeah, what was it? So watching your special, I was like, oh my God. And also, you know what's so great about childhood masturbation is that when you wear, because you want traction, you don't want to just have your beaver out. You know what I mean? You don't know anything about your beaver at that point. It's not even a beaver yet. Right.

Just a baby beaver. So the thicker the jean or like the thicker the denim, the more traction you can get against a wall corner, against like, you know, some instruments or like a ladle. Denim is better. We all definitely fucked household items and you but you're you're rubbing it on top of your jeans like that's what people don't understand about childhood masturbation we're not we're not really like we're not finger blasting yeah we're not all up in i'm still doing that though like sometimes well we joke about like

the theragun being like the well i joke about it i shouldn't say we theragun being like a honestly like a usable vibrator in a pinch, but you have to have layers. I love a good layer masturbation. Theragun is a violent masturbation. That's where like a good blanket comes in. Yeah, yeah. You need like a parka.

I've said too much. I can already fall over here. No, I've definitely used things that were meant for your face, like vibration, you know, like skin tighteners, things to masturbate before. Like you're not the only one.

In a bind. We've all fucked household items, right? You know, and it's an important part of life i remember i did it i love the tv remote because like you know what i mean rub that on your jeans there's so many things to use this microphone could be an appliance that you would rub outside i never insert stuff when i masturbate i'm not inserting things inside myself i'm masturbating like my my clitoris like i like that that orgasm i think if you can come from only penetration though like what what that's not a real thing that's a lie that's a made-up lie that happens to me like twice in my

life that's a myth well i don't think it's a myth there are some there are a lot of girls out there that can do that i mean from what i hear there's a lot of people i'm just jealous that they can do it and then there's another there i people that dream that they can do it. And then there's another, I had a friend in Mallorca and she goes, oh yeah, she said she was a squirter. And I said, what?

Isn't that just peeing? Is that not peeing? Am I wrong? I don't think it's, it's not urine. It's juice. It's like, I've never seen it. Yeah, it's like pussy juice.

It's coming out. But I've had people say they drank like Blue Powerade and then it came out kind of blue. Who were those people? Wait, I'm worried about that girl. It was Trisha Paytas. Oh. Which I guess.

We used to have masturbating parties when I was like nine years old. See, I might have one of those now. Yeah, we'd go over and face down. We'd be over our jeans and we'd be like... And then you'd be like, you know, you'd like get rug burns on your forehead from like just hitting the carpet so hard.

I remember I used to like hide behind an ottoman at my parents' house like before everyone else came home from school. And I'd be like, just in case anyone saw me, my like whole body would be covered, you know know so they couldn't see me like dry humping the floor of course and then then someone come in i'd be like oh hi you know like and then you got caught at thanksgiving yeah i did which is so fucking funny that ladle that whole bit was so fucking funny and then i didn't masturbate for like 9 to 47 you said yeah no 9 to 5 40 probably

yeah you know what is that actually 47 yeah i didn't masturbate i thought masturbating i was like who's got time to masturbate uh-huh you know i'm either out or i'm sleeping yeah it took me really i didn't like discover it until later in life and i was like oh my god i cannot believe i've deprived myself this way yeah it's nice to me i didn't understand i've been just i understand that well i was so young and also i was hooking up with like frat guys, so nothing was happening there either. It was just a rough time, honestly.

If you came in, literally told me to go fuck myself and stop stalking you, and then walked out, that would have been good enough for me. I love you. Stop it with that. I just- That's over. That's in your head. That's over.

I know, but- That's in the past. Now we're in the present. Yeah, she's our friend. And guess what's next? The future. Me on Xanax. I'm like, huh? She's at home tonight reflecting. I know. This is going to feel like a complete and utter fever dream. And I just can't thank you enough. No, we'll see each other again. We're friends now. We'll see each other again. And I would love to be funny with you as well. I think I had to just get this. Yes, of course. I get it. Listen,

I know all about it. Yes. And just meet you and make this a real thing. And I can't thank you enough for doing it. And everything that you have released right now is so amazing. I think our viewers will just naturally go and read it and watch it, but they need to. It's so amazing. And I'm so excited for you and your Antarctica adventures and acting. And I was going to ask you about the new man, too. I wanted to hear about that. There's a couple of men rolling around. So I'll let you know on a personal front at some point when I have something to report. There's a couple men lingering.

Yeah, on Call Her Daddy, I was watching and you made it seem like there was one. Yeah, there was. And then I started doing press for this. Aw, rip. And that's not going to work out. I started telling everyone how many lovers I wanted. Yeah.

And it was like, oh yeah, I have someone but I also want other lovers and he's like, why? I'm like, why are you listening

to Call Her Daddy? Yeah, don't be weird. I didn't know you listened to that and I didn't think it would get back to you. You live all the way

in Canada. Like it's the most foreign place. But I don't attack that, you know what I mean? Right. Like, okay, you're cut. Delete.

Well, we have so appreciated you coming. Thank you, girls. This was really fun. I'm really glad I came. I'm psyched that I got to meet you. I forgot to show you what I carry around. Are you aware that you sell? And then you can go.

You can actually go at any point. Yeah, you almost got dismissed. Do you know that you sell mini books, Chelsea? That if you go online... She got your book as a Christmas gift, but it accidentally came this way. That's my ex-boyfriend who owns the Chateau Marmont. No way. How much cocaine were you doing in that era?

A lot. Yeah. Totally. And it doesn't really say Minnie that boldly on Amazon. It's kind of just like you ordered the book. And then what's in there?

It can't be the book. It like is the book. Like there's some of the book in there. I said, what the fuck is this? That's so funny. Oh my God.

It gets, I think it's chapter one. Maybe I'm not sure maybe that's because I talk about little nuggets I don't know I love anything that's a nugget size

I love anything that's miniature you know even ginger ale I like the little bottles we love a mini moment yeah it's honestly really cute I'm happy

I'm happy it happened okay we have to wrap up Chelsea go we love you go to the pole lounge okay canceled Chelsea, go. We love you. Go to the pole lounge. Okay, canceled.