Cancelled with Tana Mongeau & Brooke Schofield - 38: Matt Rife On Why He'll Never Be Cancelled Ep. 38

Episode Date: June 9, 2023

Matt Rife joins the show today. They discuss cancel culture, touring as a comedian, trauma and glowing up. OUR LISTENERS WILL RECEIVE AN EXCLUSIVE 50% OFF YOUR FIRST MONTH OF THERAPY BY GOING TO CEREBRAL.COM/CANCELLED Tana Mongeau Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/tanamongeau/ Tana Mongeau Twitter: https://twitter.com/tanamongeau Tana Mongeau TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@tanamongeaulol Brooke Schofield Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/brookeschofield/ Brooke Schofield Twitter: https://twitter.com/BroookeAmber Brooke Schofield TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@brookeschofield1 Brooke Schofield YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCzCVovj7tfqnV2lIkaVk35A Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. Hello. Hello and welcome back to the cancelled podcast. We have the world's most requested guest today. We really do. The most cancelable guest. This is perfect. So fitting.

I'm so excited to dive into everything, sincerely. I think we could easily get Oprah on the podcast. Possibly. Is she even doing TV anymore? Is she still working? What's she doing? What is Oprah up to? She's on billboards all over hollywood right now i keep saying network is that what it is yeah she posted yesterday for tina turner well yeah matt ripe is here and i'm

really hoping you get canceled today and not me and i'm starting that off like good luck i wake up every single day somebody tried to cancel me absolutely i feel like every time you try to go on a podcast or every time you do go on a podcast like we say some stupid talk situation are we allowed to talk about that um i mean can if you want to okay i don't mind so you hate women after that yeah uh no i hate cancel culture i hate more than anything i don't support anybody who even believes in cancel culture this is called canceled it's the perfectly ironic podcast. I think it's brilliant. Someone was telling me the other day that when they look up,

like they were trying to actually look up like things I've been canceled for. But when they look up Tana Canceled, the only thing that comes up is the podcast instead of all my. And I didn't, I'm not smart enough to think of that. That was not, that was just like a convenient accident. That's what I did for my first special, OnlyFans. I labeled it OnlyFans because I knew so many people were

Googling if I had an OnlyFans. I was Googling. So it drove all the traffic to the special. Wait, that's so smart. I always wondered why you did that. That's so fucking smart. I love to see it. Yeah, I wasn't smart enough to think of that.

It was just a really happy accident for me. God made it happen. I think that is the coolest thing about being a comedian is like not apologizing. Like not caring about canceled culture and just like. You can't like the world is full of the most insane people in the entire world and everybody wants to be mad at everything and everyone's feelings hurt or everyone's feelings are always hurt all the time and i just don't have it in me to care anymore i just don't i'm sorry i have a very select group

of people in my life that i do care about their feelings i'm very selective about who i do give that energy to if i were to care about seven billion different people's individual feelings about their reaction to my jokes yeah i'd kill myself you'd literally kill yourself yeah that's insane it's an impossible task i feel that i think that like for there was a second in my like youtube era that i like succumbed to that and i was just apologizing left and right and i woke up one day and i was like, I don't wanna live like this. There's certain things, I guess, that I've done at least that I needed to apologize for, you know, like failed conventions and shit.

But- Yeah, there's moments to recognize that you've made mistakes and that you've learned from those, but after a certain point, like you, as you get older and the more mature you get, you recognize what's okay and not okay and things that you've done in the past that aren't okay. But I think as long as you know your intentions are pure and you don't mean anybody

any harm and these mistakes it's everything it's patchable and there's a difference between actions and jokes like you're saying you do something that's awful okay fine but like if everything you're saying is a joke and people are like i just i'm really trying to transition into that era of just saying whatever the fuck I want and not apologizing. You can't, people are going to find problems in literally every single thing that you say. And you just have to ignore those people. Someone's so mad right now. Those people don't matter.

They really offer nothing positive to society. They just don't. Yeah. But the ones who keep the lights on, thank you. Shout out to them. Shout out to the lights. A lot of extra lights in here, by the way. So, um, it was so hard to get you on this lights. A lot of extra lights in here, by the way. Doing way too much.

It was so hard to get you on this podcast. Sorry. No, no, no, no, no. I actually, I respect it. I think it's cool. You're mysterious, you're elusive, you're busy. I'm just busy. The other two are not real.

But it adds to it. You know what I mean? It's like, what is Matt Rife doing? Why? He's like, I really just didn't want to go on the podcast. He's like, I honestly hate you guys. He's just in fucking Toledo, okay? Vacation hotspot.

How is that touring constantly? It's the biggest blessing ever. As a comedian, it's all you want for your entire career. Like, the ultimate goal. All you can ever really ask for is to be booked every single weekend and get to travel the country, if not the world, with hopefully your best friends getting to make people laugh. Like, that is the dream of every comedian.

Anything that goes past that to where like theaters, stadiums, whatever is past that is all just extra. Like as a comedian, that's all you can really ask for is just to be busy. And this past month was actually like the 12 year anniversary. I started doing standup. So it was like 11 and a half years of just eating shit. I'm 27. Really? Yeah. Wow wow i didn't know that yeah how do you combat like the loneliness of touring well luckily now i get to travel with a couple of my best friends so and i also just hired one of my other best friends as my tour manager so i'm i

like surrounding myself with people that i can enjoy being wherever with those people because yeah i can't get lonely it can be boring sometimes you're not so fun cities or sometimes you have a not-so-fun show what's your least favorite city Atlanta everything in my in my being fuck that city why I I've been performing there for about 11 years I would say I've just never had a good time in that city this city here's the thing I'm not trying to shit on the city as a whole it just has nothing to offer me i don't find it fun there's nothing enjoyable about it to me the crowds there are usually fine they're not like extravagantly funny i can't i'm not like oh i can't wait to come back to this city some cities i'm like dude i'll move here yeah i could be here for

six months do shows every single night but no but it's actually for this uh this upcoming tour we have coming up we're doing like Augusta and we're doing Athens. I was like, I don't wanna go directly to Atlanta anymore. Yeah, I completely, completely understand. Last time I was in Atlanta for work, I was eating in a Waffle House and we left. First of all, I bring it on myself for that.

And we were leaving the Waffle House and these homeless people. No, but like, it's like 2 a.m., you're in Atlanta. We're not in a good part of Atlanta. And these homeless people start chasing us all the way back to our hotel and my grown ass manager at the time like 30 years old like left me in the dust like for like for my later like it was just like bye bitch i was supposed to go on were you like carrying leftovers from waffle house or something probably just drop it yeah just give them the food okay but i know i don't think they

wanted the food i don't think that was this i guess i don't know maybe they weren't hungry but it wasn't giving we're hungry it was giving like come here little girl you know i'm dying with the with or without the waffle let's be real like you know but if i'm gonna die it's for the waffle i think absolutely shout out to waffle house their waffles are so good i don't even care if a cockroach made it you know what i mean oh that's like the dirtiest kitchen you've ever seen. You look back there and it's like eight years worth of cooking utensils that have never been washed or anything. There's always bugs in Waffle House. Have you guys seen the Waffle House? Like the girl fighting at Waffle House?

You have to be way more specific. That's like every week. No, there's a video of a girl. Like she literally picks up a chair, tosses it across Waffle House. Like hits a little. Again, have to be more specific like people put people's hands in irons it's insanity okay well then that's why you go because you don't know what's gonna happen yeah it's like a funny it's part of the allure it's

a lay show with like what's it what's it uh dinner in a show absolutely like medieval times but current yeah just fight into the death where you eat a fucking burnt steak have you ever been to medieval times one time yeah it's kind of it's kind of awesome i need to try the mutton what i'm trying to rebrand what is the mutton like the big branding dude got into my head the what animal is mutton i'm dying every time is it an animal i think it's a sheep i think it's the it's like it's like the state never heard the word mutton yeah what's i've heard i know like mutton chops like like the stick of the meat. I've never heard the word mutton. Yeah, it's sheep. It's a mutton. Yeah, what's a mutton? I know like mutton chops, like the sideburns kind of thing.

Oh. No, no. Fuck. So far, so good. Yeah, it's not good for my rebrand, but I need to try the mutton. We should do an episode from medieval times. Oh, could you imagine?

I want to be on a horse. You guys have to have the gigantic turkey legs and use it as a microphone the entire time. That's what the mutton. That's what I'm referencing. That's a mutton. No, that's a turkey leg. No, that's a sheep. But it looks like that. It is. It looks what I'm referring to. That's a mutton? No, that's a turkey leg.

But it looks like that. It is? It looks like the exact same thing? It looks like that emoji. What emoji? You know the emoji. You know the emoji. Which emoji? The turkey leg emoji.

Oh, I'm sorry. You are not deep in the emoji game, are you? I am not. She's deep in the Waffle House altercation game. Welcome back. Wow. Coming to you live from Waffle House. The turkey leg would have been better.

So ratchet. For the audio listeners, the set is falling apart at the seams. One second. Anyway, how long are you on tour? Literally nonstop. I'm on my own tour right now, and then we have our giant Live Nation tour starting in September through May of next year. Jesus Christ. Yeah.

What's, I'm trying to think. But we're playing like places I could have only dreamed of playing. Not only do I get to go to Australia in January, which I've never been. You're gonna love it. You're gonna love it. Never been.

The fans in Australia, like the people are so like feral, insane energy. I feel like you're gonna thrive so hard off of that. I've heard they're like a great comedy audience. Absolutely. Like one of the best in the world. best heckling on 10, which you obviously live for kind of like it or you don't like it. I don't like it. That's not part of the show. People really think that's like the thing to do at the show, which is insane. It's like, it's, it's up to me. If I want to talk to you, I'll talk to you. A lot of the times I will want to

talk to you, but it's like, you can't force it on somebody that's insane that's like the most that is the most like selfish uh entitled thing ever somebody somebody did a video recently where they were they were mad that I had to I had to reschedule the the comedy club shows in their city because I had to do a theater instead because I'm just getting so worn down from doing like 10 shows a weekend I've had to move some cities to bigger venues. And this woman was upset about that. Understandably. So I have all the empathy in the world. I hate letting people down. I hate that they work so hard to get these tickets and now I have to reschedule. I understand that fully and it sucks. But then the main thing she was mad about, the thing that pissed me off when she was like, I got tickets to your show and I was coming to like, I was going to

yell out. I was going to get your attention. I was going to make you roast me. Like I was going to get your attention no matter what I'm like that's the most entitled fucking thing anyone has ever said you wouldn't go to a concert you wouldn't go to like you wouldn't go see Hamilton on Broadway in the middle of his speech be like hey hey hey roast me real quick you're like bitch shut up Thomas Jefferson is black okay can we just enjoy what the show is it's so insane people think that's really how it works there even the reason i ask you that though is because some of your greatest comedy work does kind of come but that's why they do it they see those videos and then they

think like oh i want to be a little video yeah and i get that but i've said this exact statement so many times that like that's not how it work be patient and also i don't want to talk to everybody you also can't do crowd work with everybody yeah most people are not interesting and not funny yeah so it's like it's usually the people who want the most attention doing that have nothing to offer it's always the best things was when it's spontaneous to everybody myself included when i talk to a random look totally nonchalant person in the front row and they they have some crazy story about how they were in a sex cult for 12 years. Absolutely.

Where you're like, the most unexpected stuff is the best stuff. Don't force it. That's just annoying. Yeah. But I understand the confusion. Yeah. And I try to explain the reason I post crowd work on social media is so that I'm not wasting material.

Yeah. Stand-up is about building an hour-long show that you take on tour, and then once you've perfected it to the best of your ability, you film it as a special. If I'm posting my material on social media and then you come see me live, you're gonna see the same jokes. That's not fair to you.

I don't wanna give you a show that you already kind of know half of. Yeah, that's fair. So did you just start over? Cause you just did. Yeah, yeah. And we're shooting my next one in September, actually. Wait, next special?

Yeah, yeah. Wait, that's exciting. At the Dahr Theater in DC. do you switch it up or do you do like the same set every time now yeah right now i'm kind of working on the same set um but it's like it's one of those things that a lot of the time only comics will know this i can do the same set 20 times because i'm working on making that same show the best it can be so like i'm fine-tuning little tiny idiosyncrasy things. Like you can watch me do the same set 20 times in a row and you might not notice a single difference that each time I'm

changing the inflection on one word in the entire bit. To get it perfect. Exactly. And it's probably so minuscule. You and the audience members probably have no idea whatsoever, but you do have to do that. You have to keep doing the same stuff to make it perfect. It makes people good at shit as well. You know what I mean? Perfecting your craft. Absolutely. But that's why I like doing crowd work. Even I get tired of working on the same jokes. Yeah. It gets exhausting. It's just so insane.

It's memorizing a script over and over and over again. Yeah. You are changing it. But sometimes you want some spontaneity and you know kind of just see what happens. Gay son or thought daughter? Ooh. Gay son. Tana Marie.

Gay son for sure. Why? Okay. I want them. Do you think one question at a time jesus christ wait why not thought daughter i don't know it doesn't seem as fun gay son seems so much more fun like they're gonna be a good dancer that's that's a generalization yeah i feel like i feel like they've been life of the party my son could be drunk at 2 p.m on a friday like i just i really i really root for gay son yeah there's so many fun aspects of it thought daughter i can't think of the pros you can't think of the pros she could be a good dancer she could have a podcast

that's our whole house it's just gay sons and thought daughters no one has a father no one has a fucking father. Same. I also don't have a father. This is perfect. I feel like that's, it kind of makes for a funny comedian. It's the key to success. Absolutely.

You have to have some trauma. Whenever I meet somebody with like a totally intact family, I'm like, what's your deal? Yeah. They're not funny. Where is it? Yeah. Where's the trauma? Who hurts you?

I need to know. It scares me. It really does scare me. As you, you also, you accredit trauma to kind of your sense of humor and whatever but you also talk about your glow up a lot which i just became aware of because i was asking people to ask you questions everyone's like how about talk about his glow up it's brutal it's it's it was life-changing and even i don't understand it yes up until like not even that long ago if you look at pictures of me at like 19

completely look different looking person you go to like dr hub sapien down the street literally not a single fucking thing i just kept getting older i guess really and it's so funny the only thing i've ever done is my teeth i got i got veneers obviously because my teeth were fucked when i was a kid but it's so fucking funny to me like it's people's number one like online insult is like well at least i don't have plastic surgery it's like cool neither do i i online insult is like, well, at least I don't have plastic surgery. It's like, cool. Neither do I. I've had people who like claim to be actual plastic surgeons and be like, oh no, he's had this. He's had this filler.

He's had all this. I'm like, cool. So you're not only lying, but you're wrong at your job. But they're also kind of gassing you. Yeah. I'm like, thanks. Some people pay for this. That's so crazy.

You look like the after. I'm about to go in and show up, pick up Matt Rife and be like, give me that cheek filler. You're welcome. You know what I mean? out to dr god yeah matt said on a podcast he doesn't like lip filler i don't mind lip filler just don't go over top like don't don't don't be so ridiculous about it i have had eras of my life where my lips were 60 of my face no it was like the girl from shark tail i oh my god if i look back at an old photo i'm like who let that happen we were talking about this i think on this podcast it was like from the front i was like yes they're so juicy but you have a side profile in my head there was no side like

there was a face here and a face here and there was no side profile and it was like from the side my lips could have like gotten something from the fridge like i i don't mind just don't go overboard because also like i have gigantic lips so it'd be nice if your lips match mine you, I don't mind. Just don't go overboard because also like I have gigantic lips so it'd be nice if your lips match mine. You know, I don't feel like I'm eating your face.

I do think kissing a girl with lip filler feels different than kissing a girl without lip filler. You can like feel it. There's probably like a softness difference

I suppose. Yeah, like I feel like it's like, it's like, yeah, you can, it's just harder. I think it depends on how recently they got it done,

right? Because is that how it works? It's harder. Like if you have like Juvederm, it done, right? Because is that how it works? There's also different fillers. If you have Juvederm, it's going to be rock hard. Oh, I didn't even know there were different ones. I know. All right. I thought somebody just took a fucking tire pump and just

Have you ever fucked up your lip filler by hooking up with someone right after getting it? No. I have. Dead man. I have. No, I haven't. I'll never forget.

One of the first times I got lip filler, I sucked dick that night. And it was just like, there was an indent there was like a dick print like they tell you they specifically tell you not to do it. They tell you not to suck in a dick afterwards. I had to do it for the culture though. It moves around it's still soft for a while. So this is like deflated right here and it's just all pushed to the corners. How do you explain that when you go to fix it? You're like sorry.

Really big straw. Really big straw. Really huge straw. It was paper. paper it was paper straw so we're okay giant life-size boba i was drinking through a fucking straw i don't even know nightmare to be honest with you when you want to bet on sports played on a field or iso course the rivers is the place over under money lines same game, Paul A's gets all fine You put a smile on your face Bet on the sports you love with BetRiver Sportsbook

Take a chance! Must be 19 plus, available in Ontario only. Please play responsibly. If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you, please contact ConnexOntario at 1-866-531-2600 to speak to an advisor free of charge. I was just watching you on Whitney Cummings. You did really good.

Well, thank you. A lot of people thought there was tension. Sexual tension? Yeah. No, she's just so lovely. She actually called me this morning, actually. She is. I would literally, I would do anything to be with her.

Like, she is like, I'm in love with her, I think. She's so sweet and she's so funny. She's everything. And what I love about her is like she, as she said, one of the things I love about her is like she as she said one of the things i love about her is like she's not only is she wildly successful and a woman but like she's also like she's also hot like she's very she's very attractive which is yeah not only frowned upon for comedy in general but like as a girl especially like like female comics get shit on all the time for like you have to dress down nobody's gonna think you're funny if they also

like want to fuck you and the fact that she has accomplished so much while being so hot yeah it's like she's kind of a pioneer has she always been hotter was she did she have like a girl i think she's been hot for a long time her and eliza schlesinger are both phenomenal comics very attractive that is special it's like hard to be taken seriously i feel like of course yeah but their skill set like far out matches it like they're they've like they've earned it through their comedy chops like i don't feel like either of course. But their skill set far outmatches it. They've earned it through their comedy chops. I don't feel like either of them sold out or anything like that. They didn't play into, like, I have to be hot to get the opportunities that I'm doing. They're phenomenal.

And they're both so sweet. I feel that. Do you ever feel oppressed, sexualized? Yeah. It's super fucking annoying. I have people yell out at shows all the time. It's like 70% of shows, somebody, no, I would say 90% of shows, girls will yell out at shows all the time it's like 70 of shows somebody no i would say 90 of shows girls will yell out like take your shirt off take your pants off take your

belt off do the one-handed belt thing from tiktok all that okay how did you get yourself into that like what where did that start there was a bit in my last special matthew stephen reif now on youtube um and then it's where i i take my belt actually i think i just posted a tick tock of that clip today where it's like i'm just playing a boy character in this bit about girls having guy friends and i just i was taking my belt off with one hand i didn't even know that was like a seductive thing to do it was just i'm holding a microphone with one hand so no i didn't i didn't know that was like it doesn't look sexy to me. Everybody can take their fucking belt off with one hand. No, they can't. How can you not?

I hate to break this to you. But I don't, I don't, can you? Right? But he's a freak. That's not like. Like Aaron, do you take your belt off with one hand? Right? Oh, really?

A bra is far more complicated. You know, I can't even do it with two. I'm like in front of a guy like Rubik's cubing their belt. I think it's smooth. I don't think it's sexy. I wouldn't like lose my shit over it. I don't know. It just became, so it was that bit that I was doing live and then I had one crowd work

clip where I did the same kind of act out in a different situation and I think that clip kind of went viral and then everyone started like reposting edits of that clip and then those all went viral and just became a ridiculous thing yeah I don't think I could see a video of you on my for you page for like an entire year without that being without the search bar saying that right and it would have nothing to do I could be talking about my dead dad and they're like Matt Rife takes his boat off with one hand dad hangs himself with it like it was it was all over the place for something that had nothing to do with it it was so funny so yes i get sexualized okay

fuck there you go you're welcome my bad don't be sorry at all seriously i would enjoy it if like people were sexualizing me that much i feel like i'd be like oh my god me no you well if you want to be respected in a different field you can't have that and that's honestly like that makes us more respected in our particular field yes you see you get that benefit the lights on i'm like trying so hard not to have that be a part of me would you ever get ugly i'm trying no you're not. Yes, I am. Look how I'm dressed. Okay. I'm liking the mat hat. I'm like, put a few pounds on. I'm like, if you really wanted to be ugly, you could.

Well, never mind. I think that was a compliment. Would you ever make an OnlyFans? Like, for real? I have one. Huh? I worked with, I did a comedy show for them, like, around this time last year, and part of the contract was, like, I had to set up an OnlyFans account

and just post sporadically over three months. Oh, is it like Whitney's OnlyFans where you're putting your comedy on it? Yeah. No, we want to see. No, I'm not going to sell my body on OnlyFans. I'm not going to do it. Never? No.

I think it'd be so fun. Ari kills me. No, I'm saving. When the dick pic finally does get released, it's going to be strategically timed. Thank God. Absolutely, absolutely. Are you planning a leak so that to get ahead of no i think i'm just waiting for when i actually

do get canceled so i can be like listen guys it's just i write a giant apology on the photo but it's just over my dick pic the entire honestly kind of brilliant genius i'm not gonna lie i would always have that in my back pocket if i was a guy like oh if like i have a bad scandal at least i can divert yeah but what if you had like a little chode i still then it's a short apology still yeah yeah i'm sorry yeah it's just i'm sorry my bad honestly hilarious i would live and breathe for it not a bad backup plan no i wouldn't i wouldn't do an only fan when i when i started it though like even just for the comedy thing i instantly understood it i was like i understand how so many people make so much money on here like if i did everything i got dm'd asked for during that three

months period you're chitting your holes dude oh it'd be so much money though i totally understand why some people are like oh i'll try it out and they're like oh i'm just gonna do this from now on yeah are people like really specific with their asks yeah and it's 100% gay dudes weirdest thing i mean there was never like that weird of stuff it was just a it was just a lot of can i see your dick oh a lot of that like slap it around stuff like that i mean they were offering like tens of thousands of dollars but I was obviously you know you'd send your kids tens of thousands of dollars you wouldn't show someone your dick just can't do it that's good for you I know good for you I would do it for five I feel like when you five dollars yeah my day if I had a dick I feel like I would just be waving it around all the time

that's just a dick in general yeah any kind there's so many benefits if I woke up with the penis tomorrow I wouldn't even fuck what's the first thing that you like this is so sick thank God it's not all that penis I just I guess as a boy wait if you woke up tomorrow with a vagina what would you do whoo I started only fans of course it's an investment immediately it's the first thing I would do responsible what about you so financially responsible. What about you? And then I'd let the homies hit for sure. I have it. Would you say? Would what? No, you guys were talking. Go ahead. What would you guys say? I'd let the homies hit,

I think. Oh, you think so? I think so. Like, it's for your boys, right? Yeah. Yeah. My boy Brandon has been on a dry spell for like four months. I feel like we get along well. If I had a dick, would you let me fuck you? Like, if I woke up tomorrow with a dick? Yeah. Just so I could know. Really? But would I know had a dick, would you let me fuck you? Like, if I woke up tomorrow with a dick? Yeah. Just so I could know.

Really? But would I know it's you, or would it be like... Yeah, no, no, no. No, you know, it's everything about her, but she just has a dick. No, because at that point, I could just let you fuck me with, like, a strap on. No, but that's not as physical of a connection. Oh, right. She wants to enter you on a spiritual level. I would let you do it.

If you wanted to. Would you pull out? I would let you do it. No. Oh, my God. No, but not to get you pregnant like take the plan b duh but i just wanted to know i just wanted to know what that feels like could you imagine you getting me pregnant and the mental illness that oh my god i think our kid would just

come out the womb and kill itself yeah no worries free abortion honestly kind of crazy wow i wonder if that's ever happened good god this is this is an episode for sure you guys need to flush this idea out more i'm very i'm very interested that you guys have so much fan fiction written about you guys now well honestly if anyone out there is like watching this i think you do i think they would definitely fantasize over this people write fan fiction about you for sure not that i know of i tried to look you up on reddit to see if anyone i'm like a huge reddit that can't be good no no one says anything bad about you on reddit which is really i know you're a comedian and not an influencer because influencers cook yeah but people hate comedians now too like they really

they really do on reddit i don't think well thank god right reddit is a powerful community going back now to like where it used to be like everything's so offensive i feel like someone like everything's so woke now that people are getting like the pendulum's definitely yeah people are getting so put off to it because it's like like that's so annoying that everyone's so offended and now everyone's getting to be offensive i feel like a new standard for what's okay and not okay got kind of defined in like the cancel culture area and and like the me too me too movements and all of that like we all as a society went okay these things are not going to be acceptable anymore this is like a new set of societal rules and we know not to do that now i feel like the rest of the world was like cool we know that now can we move the fuck on

but people trying to cancel people every single day still people are just like over it and it waters it down it's so unfortunate like people people do deserve to face consequences for a lot of really shitty actions but that all gets completely pushed to the wayside because somebody gets offended over a joke. It's like if you're giving the exact same punishment to somebody who is in like a physically domestic violence relationship as somebody who tells a joke you don't like. That is so true. How are the same consequences? That is so true. How is that fair?

I've never thought about it like that. No, it's completely wild. As long as you never apologize, you'll never have to. Like, I feel like Theo Vaughn would never apologize. I would never apologize. And he gets to say whatever he wants. No, absolutely not. You can't.

If you give them a little bit of wiggle room, they're going to expect you to apologize for everything they don't like. And how privileged are you to think you never have to hear anything you don't like in your entire life? That's fucking insane. When someone's intention was just to make you go, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Like the most pure, joyful feeling you can have. and you didn't like it fucking move on when you want to bet on sports played on a field or iso course that rivers is the place over under money lines same game

paul a's it's all fine you'll put a smile on your face bet on the sports you love with that river sports book take a chance. Must be 19 plus. Available in Ontario only. Please play responsibly. If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you, please contact ConnexOntario at 1-866-531-2600 to speak to an advisor free of charge. Who would have thought we'd have Matt Rive on council talking about the Me Too movement and shit?

I know, like, so he does like women. I love women. Okay. When they're in the kitchen yeah obviously cooking up crack or whatever i don't know whatever you guys doing there i don't know you know i mean more than do you guys cook i cook so much i'm like i just am always cooking so many things just honestly not at all got it just ratchet shit like anything i'm making is like mac and cheese and like it's mac and cheese is not ratchet yes it is it's delicious but it's still ratchet no the other day i was like i was trying to cook a little like buffalo chicken wrap the ones that

we made and i couldn't find a spatula and i was just flipping it in the butter with my hands on the skillet like burning my i know a piece of my acrylic was like in the fucking wrap it's like it's as good as it gets but i'm really trying to rebrand seriously i'm trying to domestic what she's going through a sofia ritchie rebrand she wants to be like uh what did so many do what you do is so valid see he's not he's not on sofia richie just assuming everyone knows like assuming matt writes for you okay you're right you're right you're right um so she basically is lana richie's daughter yes good job but right now she's going through like a major rebrand because she like married old money and she's just who she married she married a range who i thought she

was dating like scott disick or something yeah so she was dating scott disick she was in her fashion nova jumpsuit she was shaking ass at vegas beach club she was mob Scott Disick or something like that. Yeah, so she was dating Scott Disick. She was in her Fashion Nova jumpsuit. She was shaking ass at Vegas Beach Club. She was mobbing around with Scott. And then all of a sudden, she has a little hiatus, and she comes back in a fucking tweed blazer, fucking kitten heels on. Gets married in the south of France in like a $100 million wedding. In her hand.

God damn. And it's a full rebrand, and it's so believable. We were talking about this in the last episode. You look at her and you think she's always been like this. How old is she? She's younger than me. She's 20. Yeah, I think she's 24.

Oh, she'll be back. She'll be back to the streets for sure. If so. At 25? Yeah. Okay, if so, I could not. Oh, my God. I would kill myself for her.

No, I feel like she's never stepping foot in a club. She's got to stay there. I hope so. That seems like a much healthier lifestyle it. Yeah, I guess that's true I didn't have any really thought about it in that regard a long term but I was just staring at myself the other day in the mirror just like eyelash falling off glued to my cheek like hair just dreaded like Disgusting like Billie Eilish style like jumpsuit like fake gucci print energy and i'm just looking at myself and i'm like what the fuck are you attracting with this like why doesn't anybody

want me yeah like dead ass like spray tan crusting off and it's like i want like a like a finance bro energy like i want like a sexy sexy rich man and it's like and i'm walking around like why don't they want me there's like buffalo sauce down my fucking hoodie like it's just, and I'm walking around like, why don't they want me? There's like buffalo sauce down my fucking hoodie. Like, it's just bad. And I'm trying. And just everything I say is just, you know what I mean? But the cooking of it all, like, I just want, I want to wholesome-ify myself. And it's.

Wholesome-ify? Yeah. I think that's a word. It is now. How long, like, realistically, like, when would you want to be married? Like, in what time period would you want to be like? Tomorrow. Fuck. Let's be serious. Dude, opened my timeline today bella thorne's engaged for the third time is she still with the italian guy no what no what happened i don't know i'm so happy

i don't pay attention to pop culture i'm so happy and i'm just like you know bella and i are very similar people just the way we act, energy-wise. High G, sorry. Yeah, whole nine. We both probably shower the same amount. Like, you know what I mean? Is it a lot or a little? And it's just like, she's doing it.

And it's like, I'm not. And it's like, they're cute. Ring's big. What do you think it is you're doing wrong? Everything. And it's just like i really i want it and i know i'm not ready someone wants to marry you but he has like a face tats yeah it says waffle house down his neck yeah and what sucks is innately i'm attracted to that like i'm fighting

demons to not end up with hypnotherapy where they like fucking think that would work do you think that were against like trashy fuck boys maybe yeah like i want i want a hypnogest to be like no more dangly cross earrings and i want to be like i hate those like but i can't get that i think that's what happened in my face yeah yeah yeah i want to see it dangling over me a little chandelier oh my god you ever just see a man with a cross? No one. I'm not. No one's going to relate. Cut the thought. I'm rebranding.

I'm like, never. Shout out to JC. Yeah. God love him. Put it away. I'm just really trying to rebrand. You know? Me too.

And it's not working. When do you want to be married by? Now. Really? No, like 30. Wait, how old am I? 30 is good i want to i want a kid by like 33 i've always thought i was going to be like an older mom though i had old parents when do when when do things start to get dicey for women having kids when does that start to kick in i don't know i

think definitely i'm definitely infertile by now you think so i mean actually i don't know it's just like what have i taken more of in life vitamins You think so? You know what I mean? Actually. I don't know. It's just like, what have I taken more of in life? Vitamins or Plan B? Like, you know what I mean? Yeah, you're not supposed to take more than one Plan B a year and she takes. A year? You're not supposed to take more than one? A year?

It fucks your body up so bad. Okay, then pretty much everyone I know is infertile then. Except for you. Huh. That's, I don't think anyone's taking it as like at that rate i do and she doesn't take it that often for the record i'm not me like no it's like every morning it's like zinc magnesium and plant yeah um i think maybe like 40 i probably realistically take it like 40 i've i've heard or i've heard like 33 34 it means like okay you're

you're trying to get I thought that was Too early as well I just wasn't sure Yeah Who Someone just had a kid At like 50 Someone definitely did

Somebody Yeah It's like when it's Paltrow She like only drinks Bone broth Yeah but that kid's Gonna be in lunch first

You know Oh yeah Yeah Okay I mean you know I mean I want to adopt Or like get a little Surrogate sitch So I mean I want to adopt Or like Get a little surrogate sitch

So I could definitely Freeze my eggs And like do all that See that scares me I don't know if I don't know I don't know if I want to Freeze my child

Before it gets made Like freezing the ingredients But the thing is You don't know When you like freeze your eggs You don't know if any of them Are going to be viable So you can freeze all your eggs

Think you're good to go Yeah And then you can go to Like inject them I just learned that On the Kardashians Oh wow It's like my main source of education like what's better like fresh fish or like frozen cod that's been shipped across the country for after years fresh fish is a crazy yeah it's like eating sushi in like wyoming yeah it's like it had to get it took so much time okay

but here's the thing you know sometimes you refreeze food and you pop it in the air fryer and that's better than it yeah but you're not put a baby in an air fryer okay which i'm pretty sure is what plan b does actually you're speaking for yourself here okay how old do you want to be when you have kids or get married do you want to have kids i definitely want to have kids i think married around yeah around the same time like 31 something like that oh your time clock is ticking no i've got like three or four years i'll be okay just just throw my hat in the ring i personally want to tomorrow but i know none of that's gonna happen for me seriously i feel like if it imagine your wedding how fun that would be imagine my child that's what i'm excited i have a feeling

you're gonna end up with a child like me like a fucking loser not like a like a loser, but like a mom, don't do that, like that type. Like smacking the cigarette out of your hand? Because I think the reason that I became the way I am is because my mom was just like you. Like I feel like I was always like, you can't steal that. Dude, but I feel like I'm just going to condition my kid to be okay with it because it's like, you know what I mean? Yeah.

Like, oh, you want that toy? No, you think so. Let me ask you this. Would you let your kids be influencers yeah i mean i would let my kids do whatever they wanted like follow your dreams energy i but i won't let my kid be a nepo baby brat like that no matter how much i don't have to worry about that like i'm like my kid that won't have money sha Shaq Shaq has the same the same kind of philosophy. He always tells his kids. He was like, he's like, listen, we're not rich. I'm rich.

Like I try to make it as miles. O'Neill's walking around. No, no, no. But like they I feel like he's pretty like I mean, he has like, but he is very like he's a fucking sweetie, sweetheart, very humble. He did raise his kids to be like good people. Yeah, I feel like that's something that scares me so much we were actually talking about this the other day we were riding around in ari's brand new porsche and he was like tan i feel like you are going to give your kids like

everything they want but it's like i know it's like i they have to experience like i like parents that like make their kids have jobs i have a lot of friends who like grow up with a lot of money but like they have to work or they don't get an allowance They don't get like what and they like they still have nice things and stuff, but it's like not for nothing They also work for it a little bit. Yeah experience a couple weeks of like Only eating ramen and learning how to dap that shit up and make it fire Like I think yeah just be like a wagyu lifestyle like there's gotta be no they have to miss out on some experiences, too

I can't tell you how many times would be like a school event that all my friends are going to and like it'd be like a five dollar entry for you my mom would be like i don't have five dollars to give you right now and i would lose my shit be like how are you gonna deprive me of this experience when you want to bet on sports played on a field or iso course their rivers is the place over under money lines same game Paul A's gets all fine you'll put a smile

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or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you please contact Connects Ontario at 1-866-531-2600 to speak to an advisor free of charge do you guys ever think about like

like the amount of trauma it takes for like someone to be funny or like be an entertaining person like don't you feel like you have to give your kids some kind of something to like like trauma to spunk them up a bit like spunk them up a bit but I get scared of that like what if I what if my kids grow up in like a healthy environment and then they're like fucking losers I mean it can be it can be verbally taught I think I think like kids grow up in like a healthy environment and then they're like fucking losers? I mean, it can be, it can be verbally taught. I think, I think like sarcasm is a, is a very lost. It's teachable.

And I think it's very lost in this day and age. Like think about when people think about like shaming, for example, or what people think, what people consider bullying now, like roasting, right? My friends would tear me to fucking pieces over an outfit or whether I looked a certain way I had a fucking pimple on my face or whatever it may be yeah, if I got fat or I was too skinny or whatever it may be like that is part of a friendship and social I guess awareness and maneuverability like you have to you have to develop that skill set as a how to take a joke take Criticism and know that not everybody's being serious all the time.

Like, I'm going to roast my kid to death. Absolutely. Nobody's going to bully my kid more than me. I was actually talking about this the other day. I think that a really good way to just get the ball rolling on that is to just give your kid a fucking awful name. Wait, good idea. What's an example of an awful name Cedric no that's a rich ass name and it's a very proper name actually I'm trying to

think I don't know what's an awful name I feel her true well that you know grandma names are coming back like what if I have a baby right now and named it like Gladys that's what i'm saying like gladys that's setting her up to get like necked in school one time and that's good she'll be funnier or like what's the bitch who named her kid apple no apple gwyneth paltrow god i'm she named her kid apple that girl yeah but he's that's a soft name. That's funny as fuck. You know he was off like a Perk 30. So many of them. So many.

It's so fucking insane. Like, just name your kid Curtin. Like, Michael what? Top Sheep. Why did he name his kid Blanket? Duvet is actually kind of cute. Duvet is a fancy name. Like, names that mean something, but they're actually pretty names. Chlamydia.

That's a beautiful fucking name. How do people get ch do people get from koalas do you have to be scratched is that what it is they have to bite you you can't yes you can you can they all carry cl well maybe they have it and you can't it's not non-transferable do otters have anything because i love otters i love otters but i don't like the sound they make what what's that a little chirp no it's not a? The little chirp? No, it's not a chirp. Yes, it is. It's so cute. It's not cute. My dream situation is to have a house with like a giant wing of the house.

It's like a giant indoor pool. And that's just where the otters live. I love that idea. Whoa, I love that. That's their side of the house. I'm like, how fun would that be? Perfect. I don't need to swim in the pool.

That's their pool. I mean, I'm going to get in, obviously, and swim with the otters. But like, it's their space. Just dedicated to their home. It's like some Hugh Hefner shit. Didn't he have like everything at the playboy mansion but then like did he but he had like peacocks and all that shit well that's kind of cute where do you think where do you think you'll settle down in life location wise somewhere with otters it's between two places probably. Just outside Washington, D.C., like Virginia, Alexandria area,

or Pacific Northwest, Oregon. Wow. I love Oregon. Love it there. I'm going to be there in July. It's been such a stressful month for me, and I have been so deep in fantasy mode of just moving to fucking Nebraska, like the sticks.

I want to feel like I know a con song. you say that until you get there and you go oh i have to live on such a big compound because there's nothing else to do once i leave this house it's like but can't you if you're all the way there it's like what can you afford like a a castle yeah you probably could there actually imagine my own little version of like neverland ranch without without the kiddos all right you know not a bad idea i would i feel like what if like imagine tana on a farm like that's what i can definitely see that could be the rebrand as well like simple life that's what i was trying to think of it i always call it sweet life how fun like how it's just oh my god i can't i feel like it sounds good to me in theory.

Like it's my dream. Like I'm like, oh, I want to be a farm wife. But then I'm like, after like a couple of days of it, I'd be like. Yeah. I've only ever known a big screen. No, it's too barren. No, I would love, that's why I love the Pacific Northwest is because it's like full of forests. Forests, I feel like you never really get used to because it's so, like you can get lost in that.

Yeah, I feel like I would get lost. It's a completely different scenery. Forests freak me the fuck out. Really? I really do. I love that. I'm definitely supposed to live in the woods for sure really for sure like cabin in the woods definitely like i would definitely like i would do like lumberjack shit for fun like that would be fun for me i was have you seen that dude on tiktok who just splits wood yes and everyone should do that i feel like you could really have like a viral situation with that i feel like everyone would want to see you with a hot... Somebody set it up.

Somebody bring me a fucking log. You really should just, honestly, if you ever... I know you're sick of people sexualizing you, but it would be really funny if you went down just the rogue bit of doing the most random shit for people to sexualize like that. Just opening soda cans or jars of pickles and shit like that. Like knitting in a hot way you know oh that would be cute actually yeah you could really flip the script maybe get your power back

new publicist yeah she's bad at it as matt ripe's publicist i would ruin your fucking life yeah for sure well this is a great first step love it i'm so game we're happy to have you here what are you doing the rest of your day you were only free at this time uh i've got a friend's birthday tonight and I've got a show tonight and then I'm going to try to make it to a friend's concert. Are you guys familiar with Anise? It was Anise the rapper on Instagram. He blew up around. You know Chance was pissed.

Is he not a rapper anymore? No, he kind of transitioned over to like just overall music. He is a great rapper, but he has a great voice and his music is just so like soulful and pleasant to listen to. I found him on Instagram reels around like beginning of last year and he had like i don't know maybe a hundred thousand followers so he was just like singing in his car he was delivering for like dominoes or something like that and he would just sing in between uh in between deliveries and i saw him he was so talented and seemed so cool so i followed him hit him up and ever since then

he's gotten like he he's been like co-signed by Justin Bieber. He shouted him out like Scooter Braun, all that stuff. Apple music, Spotify, like he's making such great waves. Makes amazing music. So shout out to my boy, Anis, go check him out. He actually just released an album. It's beautiful actually. Wait, I'll have to listen to it.

It's like some sad shit. No, it's not sad. It's just, it's beautiful actually. It's like just good vibes music. It really is. I'm bad i only like sad music yeah we're kind of i do love some sad rap i'm like yeah i have an x tattoo what kind of oh that counts juice world yeah i love them absolutely love that yeah well i i read the

other day i hope i'm wrong about this has it been five years since he passed away i think that feels like kind of right fuck dude time is like i always feel like time is flying but lately it's like terrifying me yeah like i feel like i'm gonna be 50 tomorrow how old are you now 24 oh my god such a baby that's no i it's not i feel like i'm about i feel like my eggs are running out i literally feel like if I don't have a kid tomorrow, now that you've said something. No, you've got at least 10 more years healthy. 46. Wait, how old am I? Oh, 36.

What? 36, I think, is still safe. Oh my god, I was so nervous. I think I'm still fine. I believed myself for a second. I was like, oh my god. I think your eggs are going to be fine. OK, we're good.

You have plenty of time left. I scrambled. You're going to be just fine. I kind of want to look at some fan questions, because people are very excited and rambunctious. I want you to say something. We have a little more. You have plenty of time left. I'm going to be just fine. I kind of want to look at some fan questions because people are very excited. I want you to say something. We have like a little more. You need to say something. Like something you would have said on Stiff Socks.

Get you canceled. We need a viral. I'm not doing it. Here's the thing. Here's the thing. What's your least favorite race? Here's my. Yeah.

That was my question. The amazing. She stole that. The amazing. Yeah. I think it's just scary that you can like blow up so big and now all of a sudden every little thing that you've done like years ago is gonna come back oh it's so fun people want you to die it's i just found success in something i've been working 12 years in and people are like nah

fuck that already gotta get rid of them absolutely it's it's nothing but sad fucking pathetic people it's so bad it's something you definitely you know if you want to succeed in this space you just have to accept but it's it's definitely a hard pill to swallow of course but that's why i think you have to there's like such a fine line of being who you are and being publicly uh respected i think yeah like there's a certain image you want to portray to like make everybody like you but in the reality of like you're gonna slip Up you're gonna say things people don't like you're gonna say things that people take out of context and it's really out of your control So I think it's up to you to just kind of be the best person you can be and say look if you see

If these people don't get me and they want to make up who they think I am in their head By all means I'm not gonna take time out of my day to change a couple hundred people's minds and that is really all you need yeah why do you care so fucking much about what you think about me if you don't like me go away yeah it's so easy do you feel like you portray like a different persona online than you do like in real life online or on stage because i think it's two different answers online i would say do you do you mean like things that I post or you mean like podcast presences? Maybe like podcast presence. It's a bit of both.

It depends on the podcast. It depends on the situation because I'm a comedian. I'm a comedian. It's like I'm going to make jokes about things. Yeah. So it's, I understand it can be confusing sometimes. People might not know if I'm joking or not, but also just fucking, just assume I am. Just do that.

Assume I'm joking first. Yeah. How about that? Yeah. I mean, I'm definitely, I Just do that. Assume I'm joking first. Yeah. How about that? Yeah. I mean, I'm definitely, I think it depends on the subject we're talking about. Like if it's something like cancel culture or defending relationships or something like that,

then it's like, yeah, I'm going to be myself. I'm going to be upfront about how I feel about certain things. But ultimately, like I just, I'm just here to have a good time. What's your gas station order? My gas station order? Yes, I'm doing that. Ooh. I don't know. I have a Tesla. I haven't been to the gas station in my gas station order oh i don't know i have a tesla i've been in the gas station so long um really really subtle flex you know your gas station order i don't you walk in a 7-eleven

what's talking to you i'm a pastry kind of guy so a donut, maybe like some ho-hos or something like that. Oh, wow. Yeah, zebra cakes maybe, fudge rounds. Like a cosmic brownie. Yeah. A honey bun. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Absolutely.

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someone close to you please contact connects ontario at 1-866-531-2600 to speak to an advisor free of charge i was trying to go through the fucking fan questions. And it's so... Go for it. No, that was like literally... That was one of them? That was one of them. That's hilarious. No, but it's 90% things that I'm physically just not inclined to ask you.

You know what I mean? You can ask and I can pass. No, you would pass for sure. Yeah, you'd pass. Fire away. But a lot of people want to know if you've ever fucked a fan. I've never fucked a fan. Yeah.

Would you ever fuck a fan? Have you ever fuck a fan have you ever dated a fan I don't think so I mean it's you're in Atlanta Georgia you've been there for three nights you're fucking first of all that will never happen if they'll drive me out of Atlanta I'll fuck whoever absolutely anybody yeah I don't I don't I don't it's a weird question because I don't really consider people like fans like just because you come to a show no because like you're still a fucking person you know what I mean I don't unless you're coming up to me you're like oh my god oh my god like that that's like fan energy you know what I mean but like an attendee of one of your shows have you ever been like stopped by the marriott down the street after no you know no nice hotels or do you not that depends

it depends if i feel like treating myself i guess but yeah i don't i don't average on tour are you more likely to be at like a marriott bonvoy yeah 30 minutes out yeah yeah more likely we just kind of realized that we we did a show in pho and we're going to do like a canceled tour. And we were like, let's stay at the W, blah, blah, blah. We come back and I'm like, okay, I think I spent. We spent probably more than what we made on like a nice ass room. And I have to humble back down. I couldn't care less.

Like my, my tour routine is so boring and not exciting. Like people think because I have a massive fan base, that's a very popular question. Like, well, I'm sure you folks, so many girls on the road yeah i really don't like my i literally go i'll do two shows now it's 1 a.m when i leave the comedy club i have to go home probably edit for an hour send it to my send it to my other editor to go over something send it back to me by that time i'm so high and tired that i'm like i'm i'm good yeah i have to i have to work i'm i'm in such a very blessed position right now to be as busy as i am and i just want to focus on that that'm like, I'm good. Yeah, that's right. I have to work. I'm in such a very blessed position right now to be as busy as I am. I just want to focus on that.

That's like, I feel like you are the outlier though. I feel like most male touring acts at some point get kind of lost in the sauce and have a moment. And I get it. I totally get it. Especially when you're not used to getting that kind of attention.

Dude, and I can't imagine. I feel like that's the big difference though. I feel like a lot of comics are like, maybe they're not used to getting that kind of attention. Dude. And I can't imagine. I feel like that's the big difference, though. I feel like a lot of comics are, like, maybe they're not as, like, conventionally attractive. So, like, them being popular and stuff is, like, what gets the girl in the room. Yeah. Oh, that makes sense. Whereas, like, I don't think you really struggle, maybe. I'm saying it right now.

Like, the only reason that I think that I have maybe never fucked a fan is. You fucked a fan. I mean. Or, like. Maybe, like, inadvertently. You a fan I mean or like maybe like inadvertently you know what I mean maybe they were low-key but it's because we don't have a guy fan base like we're going to do a show to 90% women and like the 10% boyfriends that got dragged at gunpoint to come you know we have the exact same audience that's crazy wow that's great um so there's not much to work with but if I walked out and it was a crowd of sexy sexies like sexy men oh that's like wait you get you you have a full female audience too mostly right yeah it's are

you ever like it's slowly starting to even out a little bit like around around like uh august september of last year when things started like to kind of pop off it was like 90 women 10 guys now we're closer to probably a at least like a 75 25 I would say it's getting a little bit better yeah because you you never quite know same for you guys with guy like if you have guy fans straight guy fans you have to wonder a little bit do they like me because what I'm talking about and the content I'm creating that they do they just want to fuck me absolutely so it's like whenever I have a guy fan i know it's genuine like they they appreciate my comedy i don't have to question it at all yeah and that to me it it feeds the i guess confidence and that you need to be able to perform absolutely yeah i agree 100 that's that is one thing that i

feel very lucky but i'm also but i'm also so thankful for having a female fan base because no nobody supports harder than female fan bases. Absolutely. If they believe in you, they will help push you. They'll kill for you. Yeah, and I love that. I do. I agree with that 100%. It's like the boy band effect. But they also turn on you faster than anybody else.

So that's kind of the middle ground that I'm trying to even it out a little bit. He hates women. He hates you. No, I love women. I just want them to not yell out to take off my pants during the show. That's all I want. That's so fair. Never again. The belt thing. You know what I mean?

Well, you made a sign. It was different. Yeah. That was respectful. Yeah. That's fair. That was quiet. You put in arts and crafts time. I appreciate that. Would you do anything else? Would you trade this life to be doing anything else? Or what would you be doing if you weren't doing this? Yeah.

Something with sports, think really i i love sports uh it was such a prominent part of my life growing up i love boxing so maybe something in that world i i love i love sports and it's something that you can kind of learn at any point in your life and would you ever hit a crossover? Like a comedian ex-boxer? Maybe, I suppose. But I'm not into the whole like influencers fighting each other thing either. So no, not really. I was going to say, who would you box? And I also don't want to neglect.

I have friends of mine who are professional boxers that I highly respect. So I don't want to be that person. Like there's nothing more annoying than when I meet somebody who doesn't do anything in entertainment and they're like I could do comedy first year I'm not gonna pretend like I said here but oh I'd be an amazing professional boxer because I know people who really do it I'm nowhere close to that but it's something that I think would be a lot of I think it'd be a lot of fun and I I like physical demanding activities like like training and like training for a sport or something that to me is fun and very fulfilling yeah and it's still it's

similar to stand up in that like it's just you it's only me on stage versus like it's it's you versus one person in the ring right it's very self-dependent and i think there's i think it's kind of cool and appealing i was talking about that last night would i fight yeah if you had to um who do you hate come on that's the thing i don't really hate anybody i don't here's here's a very humbling experience that i've sorry i guess epiphany that i've had recently because so many fucking people hate me for really no reason and it really made me realize that like people only hate somebody they're jealous of and i've been i've been guilty of hating people and when i really sat back and thought about it was because I was jealous of

where that person was in their life I thought like maybe they got an opportunity that I should have gotten so now that I'm doing so much better for myself I don't have that energy towards anybody I really don't like I I'm happy and very lucky to be where I'm at right now so I don't have like a beef with anybody and I was gonna fight somebody it might be like I don't know I might be like will smith or something he seemed to have a good right hook right oh my gosh i mean i don't think no i love will smith but i'm like hey if a he's in great shape it's a great competition and b he hit chris rock so i was like as part of the comedy community i feel like that's not a bad guy that was a really really good well-rounded answer i'm trying to wrap

my head around do you think people who hate hate Osama bin Laden are jealous of him? Yeah, of course. Of course. They're mad that he wasn't the one calling the shots. Of course. Everyone wants to be the one with the remote. Yeah, that's tough. There's a difference between hating and hating on someone, I think.

Hating someone, I think that person had to have done something to you. But hating on is a lot of just jealousy. And it sucks. No, a lot of it is for sure. We've all been there. Everybody's been jealous of somebody. For sure. I'm a jealous person. Oh my God, I'm such a jealous person.

I'm not so much anymore. I was trying to watch Brianna Chicken Fry on Theo Vaughn. I literally can't. And it's funny because we just had Jeff on the episode. And I was like, have you ever seen Pete Davidson's show? And he's like, I can't watch that because I'm gonna fucking kill myself that it's not me like I'm from Staten Island I want to be funny who is this um our friend Jeff okay um and he was just going on

and on and I was like Jeff you're such a pussy like watch it whatever I can't watch Brianna on Theo because I'm like I I want to be in her shoes so bad I'm a jealous fucking ass bitch like I feel like he would have you. Just for a podcast. Yes. I'm sure you could get on his podcast. He just had somebody else with way less followers. I forget who it was. I don't.

I mean, I would love to, obviously. I am so weird like that. I like, I'm crazy. Like, I get in my own head. Like, I can have the most successful day, do my job so well. Life is going so good. And then I see something like that. And I'm like, I am a failure. And I have to talk myself off a ledge.

I'm supposed to do his podcast sometime in the next couple of months. Flex harder. I just told you I want to kill myself. I told you he would die to do it. I have a question or conversation piece about that though. Like his podcast, everyone knows, he'll say the most ridiculous things on his podcast.

He's literally said the N word on his podcast multiple times, right? Nobody goes after him to try to cancel him. Nobody gets upset cuz everyone understands. It's a joke This is a care. This is his and the deal just doesn't give a fuck Well, I think he just found the perfect audience like he is uncancellable like they like he can say Like that's what I'm trying to find and that's why I've started to gear my comedy towards being so unapologetic because like I I want to find the group of people who doesn't get offended by shit who's just there everyone comes knowing hey we're gonna hear some outlandish shit the same way your group chat and whatever group chat you're in would completely end all of your lives if it ever got

leaked right I want my audience to feel like it's just one giant hangout you know and that is a that's a bigger part of the population than people think people who get sensitive and try to cancel everybody for every joke everything that gets said is the tiniest percent of the world's population but just the most vocal they're just the loudest and most annoying which is why we have to all get together and end this and tell everyone hey if you're unhappy about a joke, fucking cry to yourself. It's not our responsibility to dictate how you feel. I like how passionate you are about this.

I think you're gonna lead like- It's my entire fucking life. You're gonna lead like the Me Too movement for canceled culture. I might have to. I believe in you. Not just water down the Me Too. Yeah, let's not water down the Me Too movement,

you know, but whatever. It's just such a prominent part of my- Every day I wake up, it's something new. I think it all comes down to your intent. I think you can joke. There is not a single topic in the entire world you cannot make a joke about if it's all fine you put a smile on your face

bet on the sports you love with that river sports book take a chance must be 19 plus available in ontario only please play responsibly if you have questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you please contact connects ontario at 1-866-531-2600 to speak to an advisor free of charge can i ask you a random question? Sure. I've been doing that the whole podcast, Gas Station Order, Gay Son, Thought Daughter. Shoot. I feel like one of the biggest things you do with your crowd work is asking people their

icks, right? I used to be, yes. Yeah. Perfect chance for a plug, actually. So we're releasing a whole red flag special in like two weeks. Are you? We did an entire crowd work show in Miami. Oh, that's fun.

In December of this past year. In Miami, two people are rogue. Oh, it was the most amount of ridiculous red flags what was your question I want to know your ex I want to know your red flag I want to know your ex not your red flags and I want you to get like super yeah super super like itemized with it like this you're not gonna like my response no I love it I'm gonna have to it's not I don't really have any specific ones. I hate to see a man chase a ping pong ball.

What? How does he pick it up? I don't know. He just starts a new game? He should never have put himself in that position. He shouldn't have lost. He shouldn't have missed. You're right.

100%. What? Should have caught it. Should have caught it. Should have hit it back. Should have combated him. Every single time. I don't want to see a man hiccup.

Hiccups are for the girls only. i'm sorry like you've got to have one like lifestyle is the biggest turnoff for me honestly like i don't i have no interest to be with a girl who's at the club every night i don't i hate the club no it's not a woke answer it's just not it's not the lifestyle for me obviously you want to be with someone where you like i want i just i want to hear you know what i mean like do you hate to see a girl like struggle to open a jar i don't mind that at all i'm glad she needs me yeah because that makes me feel needed that's not a dick at all a morning person is a big thing for me please do you can be a morning person but don't make me start my day with you yeah that's insane because i'm a terrible sleeper and i usually don't get to sleep till like four or five in the morning

i have crippling insomnia i saw you talking about that so bad so bad yeah so somebody who's like no i wake up at 9 a.m so don't you want to like start your day with me yeah that's so like selfish to me i could 9 a.m is my 6 a.m saying like sincerely if i'm up at 9 a.m i'm like oh i'm gonna get so much accomplished i'm up before everybody absolutely absolutely and it's just like such a normal time have you always had really bad insomnia yeah i think so have you found anything to fix it i smoke before bed that's the only thing that gives me like up a chance of getting some sleep but no melatonin like magnesium none of that xanax no uh even xanax i can't sleep on really i know i It like was helping me with my insomnia for a little bit.

And now I'm just up off the Xanax like on hinge saying wild shit. I've only taken it a couple of times. I don't want to take anything I can possibly get addicted to. Do you have an addictive personality? I can convince myself that I'm reliant on it. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I'm already that way with weed for sure.

I mean, I won't even try to go to bed without weed. If I don't have weed to help me fall asleep, I'm like, I'm so fucked. I mean, there's not a chance. What do you do when you travel to the out of country places? I bring my pen with me still. Really? The time difference, does that affect you?

Like if you're in a place? I mean, that definitely doesn't help. I mean, I've gone to multiple sleep doctors, which is not a real thing for sure. Yeah. And every single one of them is like, no, you don't need prescribing anything. You need a consistent sleep schedule.

Like you don't understand that's never gonna happen I don't get off stage till 1 a.m. Then I have to unwind till 4 a.m. And sometimes I have a flight at 5 a.m So I have to be up at 4 a.m. Yeah to then I can't sleep on planes either So now I'm awake continuously through that night through the morning land do three more shows and now that East Coast time zone I would be on that stage like fuck you all oh it's it's yeah i'm dead a lot of the time which is why you're just gonna snap on a heck yeah i don't know how you can still be so horrible i'll be a lot of the times it's that's kind of the fun thing about my job though is multiple times i'll be through i'm getting my name called to walk on stage in

front of a room full of a thousand people who wanted to see me and i'm just like ah dude i don't want to do this at all right now but then you get out there and you start having fun and you hit that adrenaline rush and you are actually enjoying yourself yeah but then that fucks you in return because that adrenaline rush keeps you up longer afterwards i've been like shaky exhausted before where i'm like dude i can barely stand up and you go on stage it completely goes away and afterwards you're like i have so much energy but you know your cortisol levels go so high that they like stay so high for a quarter So cortisol is like what you release when you feel an extreme amount of adrenaline. Oh, I thought that's what they put in your lips No Juvederm

Don't pretend you don't know I didn't know Do you think that that lifestyle is like sustainable or do you think you're gonna eventually like crash and have to I think there's better Ways to I would man move to Wyoming? I think there's better ways to... Manage it. I would definitely move to Wyoming. I love it there. I think it's sustainable with certain altercations to the lifestyle. I'm getting a tour bus in the fall because we're doing a gigantic theater run. It's way better. So that's going to be better.

I'll be able to have a consistent bed that's mine every night. And I can get off stage and immediately lay down. I don't have to go back to a different hotel room, unpack bunch of stuff yes exactly so stuff like that I can stay in a nicer hotel I can I can take a more expensive direct flight rather than having to take two connections because that's all I can afford to get there so yeah I think with things getting bigger and better it'll open me up to a healthier version of that lifestyle but unfortunately that's kind of just how it is you say all I can afford are you making what are you making how much money do you I'm I'm gonna buy my mom a house in September I'll say that I'm very good most

wholesome possible and I love this I'm very excited about that and she's very excited about it as well I got her a car for christmas and that was kind of like the first thing i ever did with any kind of money that i had that's sweet that's really fucking thank you well it's you know it's my property so it's still an investment yeah absolutely it's so funny so after after i like i had called on the phone one day talking about kind of things that are going on and money came up in the conversation and it was a very happy conversation Obviously and my mom was like wow so proud of you and I was like, yeah You know, I can't wait to buy you a house that way you don't have to worry about any bills

You already have a car like you're good. You just live your life now Man, she's all you know, thank you so much. Blah blah blah week goes by she calls me as you go Did you get the link that I sent you? Emailed you a Zillow like link ago. Let me check it out It was for a nine bedroom three million dollar house. I was like are you out of your fucking mind? Oh my no, but I go you don't even know nine people if I was gonna live in this house If I can't milk the shit out of my kids one day like that damn. I look I already spoiled my mom I got her a dog. I've got her a car. I'm getting her a house Like I was like you nine bedrooms. Well, I mean, are you you know, you you don't have two parents to spoil

I sure don't so like it's all going in. I'm not gonna have any if she keeps it up I love that she shoots for the stars, but my mom is the most Simple person like she really she has no hobbies no interests i'm like you don't need all of this extravagant stuff because you're not gonna use it you're not going to just wait till you start finding her new hobbies i'm like my mom calls me the other day she goes or she texts me she goes would you want to sponsor my gardening i go i don't really want to sponsor anything that i'm not already sponsoring. Sponsor. Sponsors. No, she, she responds. She goes, uh, okay. Dirty look. I'm like,

she gave you side eye. Yeah. No full dirty look. I'm like, have you not taken enough? She's not gardening. She's not gardening. The woman is not growing something. Yeah. Yeah. But it ain't lavender you know i do think i do think i'll spoil my mom more though because like my my grandpa just passed away after this past thanksgiving and that was like my best friend in the world and like i had all these i had all these things i wanted to do for him i wanted to get him like the harley davidson motorcycle of his dreams he'd never really been to like any states across the country and never been out of the country it's like i wanted to take him to like go see some of his favorite

bands i wanted to take him on like a world tour to show him all these kinds of things and i never got to do that so i think my mom will reap the benefits of like wanting to spoil somebody while i can yeah and my sister will probably get some of that as well she's about to have her second kid i saw your um grandpa your bit about you got him like a flashlight for christmas yeah two of them and that was like it's one of my favorite bits of yours it's incredible how much you like love thank you thank you special i don't think so that is the new one oh is it i don't know then i went to a show you guys did your research i've seen the special. Yeah.

Oh, you saw when it came out, actually. I'm a true fan, yeah. You really are. How sweet. I think I may have done that bit at the show you came to, like the first one, I think. My mom actually was having to clean out his house before they could sell it after he passed away.

And she found this giant box in the top of his closet of all these old porn magazines and VHSshs's and cassette tapes and she was like i'm like nervous to even throw it away and i was like do not dare throw it away oh that's yours she's gonna send it to me and i want to do an unboxing video so incredible did you find the flashlight in your house next to your own no you've got to put it in a glass case the flashlight was gone unfortunately oh you know they should have cremated him with it, because he really did. And they cremated him with funny things. He had a flip phone up until the last year of his life.

They cremated him with his flip phone. Oh, that's cute. Apparently, you can do that with very special small items. You can do that for him. Ooh, I want to be cremated. What do you want to be cremated with? A blue snake. A blue snake?

I'm being cremated with this in my hand. One hundred percent. I'm so sick of you. I don't even think it'll it'll burn metal if it's hot. And I don't know how hot it has to be. Really hot. How hot do you have to be to melt a body? Is that really the answer? No Fahrenheit for Fahrenheit.

Four fifty one. That's books. They burn books. Oh, in fact, I didn1, that's books. They burn books. Oh. In Fahrenheit. You didn't read that? You had to have read that in school. Ari keeps reading books that are like that, like Fahrenheit 451, like Tom Sawyer.

Do you ever ask someone their favorite book, and they're like, Huckleberry Finn, and you're like... Yeah, like you did not read that on purpose. I do love The Outsiders. I'm trying to think of what the last book was that I read. Not a reader? I am, but very weird things. I love like Stephen King books, and I love history books.

So like the most fiction and the most true. Okay. I love that. Yeah. I'm like, I love history. Nerd. Well, Matt. Tana. yeah i'm like i love history nerd well matt tana thank you so much for coming on this episode of canceled i think that you successfully weaved and dodged through everything and they'll find something i don't think we can cancel you for anything on this episode which makes me so sad

no i'm sure they'll take something honestly no i'm about to get in the edit and chop and screw a bunch of words you said together like i love chris yeah he's buying him he said he hates asian people you guys are the worst