Cancelled with Tana Mongeau & Brooke Schofield - 40: Whitney Cummings Gender Reveal Ep. 40

Episode Date: June 23, 2023

On this episode of Cancelled the girls are joined by the talented Whitney Cummings. Theydiscuss Whitney’s Pregnancy announcement, give dating and period advice. They talk abouttheir attraction to bald men, magicians, and attraction David Blane. OUR LISTENERS WILL RECEIVE ACCESS TO CEREBRAL’S STRONG START PACKAGE WHICH ALLOWS YOU TO SAVE UP TO 160 DOLLARS WHEN YOU BUY 2- OR 4-MONTHS OF CARE IN ADVANCE, DEPENDING ON PLAN SELECTION. LET’S DO THIS TOGETHER - MAKE A STRONG START TO A BETTER YOU. GET STARTED AT CEREBRAL.COM/CANCELLED. Tana Mongeau Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/tanamongeau/ Tana Mongeau Twitter: https://twitter.com/tanamongeau Tana Mongeau TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@tanamongeaulol Brooke Schofield Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/brookeschofield/ Brooke Schofield Twitter: https://twitter.com/BroookeAmber Brooke Schofield TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@brookeschofield1 Brooke Schofield YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCzCVovj7tfqnV2lIkaVk35A Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Find your pro at your local Tread Experts. From tires to auto repair, we're always there. TreadExperts.ca Hello. Hi, gorgeouses. Thanks for having me. Oh my gosh. We are so excited to have you. You're our dream guest. Welcome back to the canceled podcast. You guys, I'm sweating. I'm a lot of things are happening to me. Actually, we're gonna get into that. But today we have the beautiful, iconic, legendary Whitney Cummings on the podcast. And, and, and I'm shitting myself. No, you didn't shit yourself. You shit in the toilet

and it all got where it needed to go. Y'all, I just blew up this bathroom next door. You know what? It didn't smell like, I mean, it didn't, there was no effluvium. It was fine.

It just, when I saw it in the toilet bowl. She saw my shit. There were remnants. Whitney Cummings just saw my shit i just need you to stop swallowing your gum or whatever that was all the cum something fucking no more la guy cum it's they're in ketosis and their cum is too viscous if they were in ketosis i'd be in a better place dude i have this like analogy and it's so disgusting to say but have you ever been

with a guy who has like like, cheeseburger cum? Like, and then there's coconut cum. You gotta stop dating David Dobrik. He'll do anything to promote that burger place. Jesus Christ. You know, there was a shooting at the Dobrik, or was that a pizza? He has a pizza place. He has a pizza place.

Oh, but I'm thinking of... It was just Jeff. But I'm thinking of Mike. Big Mike. Big Mike. Mike's the burger guy. I conflated them. Was there a Mike's? No

Do you think it was staged? There was a shooting At the Doberg pizza place Oh Down the street That I understand Yeah It was definitely just Jeff

From that His best But Mike is the one That has the Burger place Which is supposed to be really good Yeah honestly Everyone's got a fucking

Food place going I almost did Tana's tacos years ago And I had all my friends try it. And for the next two days, they were like puking and shitting themselves. I was so unwell. That means it was a taco. That means.

No, but there were like hot Cheetos in the tacos. It was just not. And I was like, let's scrap this whole project. I'm going to like kill children. It's not OK. It would be on brand. Speaking of not killing children. Speaking of child, I haven't killed yet because I spent the last month in Texas, so I couldn't.

Yeah, such a trip. Thank you for saying that. You guys are being so sweet. You are pregnant. Yeah. I don't know how this happened. It happened completely natural. I'm convinced it's a vaccine injury.

I don't know how this even happened. I got the Johnson & Johnson a year later. I got pregnant. It's a nightmare. They absolutely injected you with Johnson & Johnson sperm. Remember, it was like, well, I guess it was like three years ago now. Another thing, I've lost my memory. Remember, it was short term side effects were blood clots. Yeah. Like long term side effects, getting knocked up by

some guy from North Carolina. And if you think about it, a baby is just like a big blood clot, right? Oh my god, I'm sorry. I guess it kind of is. It's inside of you. I know you're gagging. It's just this wild thing because I didn't, I just was convinced I was barren or something because all the men on Reddit told me that. Same.

Absolutely same. I had to get off Reddit. I'm on a Reddit rehab situation right now. Absolutely. I was just telling everyone that yesterday. When you do Reddit, do you have it? Wow, that's big. Thank you. But do do you have it that's wow that's big but do you thread reddit so it's only the subjects you want to see i look on certain subreddits and

like only the ones that like talk horribly about us every time i go on there to just get some news or an opinion i end up seeing a live murder oh my god literally i'm like how is this so like business literally i don't know that's not the reddit i'm on reddit is this business? Literally. I don't know if that's not the Reddit I'm on. Reddit is so fucking dark. It's wild. I use Reddit as my WebMD. Like, am I dying? Literally, my last Google search was like,

am I dying from mixing Xanax and NyQuil? Reddit. It's like, am I dying? Well, you can go in there to find all the men that want to kill you. Absolutely. And they're all fucking there. It's so insane. Reddit terrifies me.

I'm like, dude, please don't take this in the wrong way. This is going to hurt. I'm scared of what you're going to say. insane reddit terrifies me i'm like dude please don't take this in the wrong way this is gonna hurt i'm scared of what you're gonna say by the way you should have a podcast called please don't take this the wrong way i'm so fucking literally you're trying to compliment people i know i know i'm obsessed with you you know this and i i see like you've always been an idol of mine i see a lot of myself in you in the ways that you are and i would take that the wrong way i gotta tell you i'm a really big fan of you i love what you do you're so resilient like you get down you get back up sometimes when you get down you're blowing a dude that you shouldn't be blowing absolutely every time but like you're self-aware and i was i'm mad at

you because i was listening to uh one of episodes recently, and you were beating yourself up. And you're very hard on yourself. And I do that too. Both of us, yeah. But you're kind of like, I make all these bad decisions. This is exactly what you're supposed to be doing right now. That's fair. I think it's like when you grow up in the internet and all that type of stuff,

it's like people scrutinize you at such a young age that you think you have to be an adult. And then you look back and you're like, I was fucking 18. No wonder I was a fucking idiot You're just doing it publicly You're just doing it Everybody's doing The exact same thing you're doing

They're just not monetizing it And they're not you know So it's like You win And I understand that You know what I mean I'm just cripplingly self-aware And I'm very self-deprecating

But obviously sometimes You take that too far No I like I like that you do it Because you're self-aware But yeah I think that for me It's taken me a long time To figure out the difference

Between being self-aware And just like hurting myself or this like death by a thousand cuts to my soul. I'm like, wait a second. I kind of like nailed it this week. Like still shouldn't have dated that guy. But like giving yourself a little more credit. Absolutely.

And I tried to, I tried to. But anyways, there was a point to what I was saying. I didn't know if I ever saw you in a world where you would want to be pregnant or be a mom. You know, this is, I worked hard to make sure people thought that. I mean, I've always been, yeah, I was going to say, I think I, you know, I talked about it in a,

I think it was my HBO special a couple years ago, like freezing my eggs. And I very much feel like I did it just to like take the pressure off because there's this thing where, and I was listening to guys talk about like dating and guys being trashed and stuff like that. And I was kind of like, what is the rush? Like, why are they so, like, why are you trying to find the person like do you want to settle down

right even if you walked in the door right now would you be ready right you know i mean i probably wouldn't be i guess i'm turning 25 in like two days into my head i'm like i should be married like it's so bad i know and isn't that terrifying it's it will i think is it like socially constructed is it pressure probably socially constructed? Is it pressure? Probably socially constructed, for sure. I also always just wanted to be like, not always, like the last two years. You're so dramatic, Tana. Like a young mom or a young married. It just sounds so nice.

I guess I'm like, I've been out here for so long. I've done it all, like all of this fucking bullshit. I just would love to settle down and be so happy. It's tricky because have you heard of Saturn Returns? What happens when you're 28? Basically everything in your life kind of changes around 27, 28. Really? Like the person you're with, you'll break up with them.

This is, I'm not like a big astrology person or whatever. I'm almost there. You change so much when you're 30. I mean, so much, you know? And so it's like, I mean, not to say that you couldn't and not to say that relationships don't last where people met, you know, at a young age. But, but yeah, to know, at a young age. But but yeah, to me, I just like I really pushed back on that, like socially constructed timeline. I just was like, why would I marry someone before I know they're a good father? That's fair. So for me, it's like, you know, this guy was like, I like what's happening here.

I like your genetics. I had a baby ever having one with the nicest man I've ever met because I was like, I need a father. I wasn't dating guys that were fathers. We are certainly not dating fathers either. At all. I was dating, like, daddies, but not fathers. Yeah, absolutely. There's a big difference. Major, major issue.

And I kind of was in the situation where, and one time I was working with this therapist, because I talk a lot, you know, in my book, and, like, specials and stuff. It's embarrassing. Oh, I know. I dealt with, like, love addiction stuff. People don't talk about the internal, you know, medicine cabinet.

People don't talk about, like about how people can be addictive. Toxic relationships, you want to get out and you just can't. We try to talk about it as much as we can because we suffer from it badly. Yeah, but it's like, are you recreating your childhood circumstances? Is this some familiar chemical cocktail? Absolutely. Are you dating someone that has the negative qualities of your primary caretaker? Absolutely.

They call them christmas trees you know it's like i could walk in a party and the most like you know the narcissistic sort of like self-obsessed he might as well be sucking his own dick in the corner chain wallet motherfucker you know what i mean dangly earrings like a magnet only one absolutely it's always only one dangling earring. Where's the other one? I just want to know that. I just did a secondary. I can't. He lost it in some hooker's pussy.

Absolutely. And so I still say hooker. I'm fine with it. Like, come for me. Is hooker a cancelable word? No, I just, I know that people are like, it's sex worker.

I'm like, all sexes work. So, like, what is that? Makes me a sex volunteer? Like, you have to consider how we all have to change what we say when you pick a new term it's so crazy yeah fuck that no I'll always be a Vegas hooker at heart so you know what I mean I don't know about that one and so it's like it took me a long time to figure out that like just taking a contrary action with a guy and like realizing that

you know if I was bored I would conflate boredom with serenity and I would be like if a guy was like nice to me and good to me, I'd be like, I'm bored. Like I need to create some drama. Like I'm not getting the adrenaline I need. So I had to work on that adrenaline addiction shit too. Literally. And I'd be in relationships where, you know, this therapist said to me once, she was like, I was like, I just think, and she was just like watching me being stuck in like the worst relationship that I was chemically addicted to.

Absolutely. And she was like, okay, cut to five years from from now you on a mantle in a photo holding a baby is he in the photo and i was like oh my god no i was like i would never let him near a baby what are you insane and then i was like oh like i date these like really emotionally dangerous irresponsible people i was i was already a parent before now i was i was raising men absolutely i was already parenting man did you grow up in like a turbulent household? Yeah. Yeah, and a therapist once said to me,

if all you've ever known is the house being on fire, you're more comfortable living in the house on fire. Totally. And I was like, oh my fucking God, literally. Because every time I'm in some stable shit, I'm like, this is so boring. And to be fair, I've also been with some boring ass men. Seriously, have you ever laughed or made a joke? Yeah, there are men who are boring.

But there's you feeling safe boring and someone that just like loves you and you don't know what to do with it because it's awkward and uncomfortable and you feel suspicious whatever and then there's you know there's conflating boredom and serenity and then there's yeah just like boring absolutely bombing but the dopamine addiction to a toxic relationship is so fucking real like the highs and the lows and constantly chasing that high it took me a long time to realize that and then i still battle the demons and at least you're aware of it how'd you how'd you break it is the question i did i did a whole year no dating no texting no i'm doing that involuntarily is the problem yeah well but doing it voluntarily if you switch it to that when you

realize like how often you use your sexuality to manipulate men or how often you just like flirt fuck it'll get ya dude and how often you like leave the house and you're like well I gotta put on what if I run into my ex and you're like what am I doing why am I adjusting my tits like why do my bra and underwear match why did I contour to go to CVS like why do I think any man

cares if my bra and underwear match? At all. This is wild, you know? And so I just found myself, like, living for male approval. And being, even when I was, like, getting out of a relationship, I was already, like, feeling out new dudes. I'm already on Raya. Like, you know.

I like that. I feel like, I just talked about this, how, like, I do not feel, like, settled. I feel so, like, uneasy if I don't have someone to focus on so it's like if I if nobody's there for me to like obsess over I do not know what to do because then you have to be alone with yourself yeah you know and it's like a straight up addiction and like what happens to you when you don't have someone to focus on and obsess over and no one wants to be obsessed over you know I mean you kind of do it feels good for a second but if it's if it's if you do it everybody, it's not because they're special or anything.

Yeah, you just love the feeling of it. Don't take it personally. And you don't want someone to be doing that to you just because they can't be with themselves either. Yeah. You know what I mean? Oh, God. If it's a flat or a squeal, a wobble or peel, your tread's worn down or you need a new wheel. Wherever you go, you can get it from our tread experts. Until May 30th, purchase four new Michelin passenger or light truck tires

and receive up to $70 by prepaid MasterCard. Conditions apply. Details at Michelin.ca. Find a Michelin tread experts dealer near you at treadexperts.ca slash locations. From tires to auto repair, we're always there at treadexperts.ca. Discover the exciting action of BetMGM Casino. Check out a wide variety of table games with a live dealer or enjoy over 3,000 games to choose from like Cash Eruption, UFC Gold Blitz.

Make instant deposits or same-day withdrawals. Download the BetMGM Ontario app today. Visit BetMGM.com for terms and conditions. 19 plus to wager Ontario only. Please gamble responsibly. If you have questions or concerns about gambling or someone close to you please contact connex ontario at 1-866-531-2600 to speak to an advisor free of charge then mgm operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming ontario dude it's it's recently so many people like tana it would like comments and

everything are like it benefit you so much to go on a cleanse for men i'm like but fuck i'm gonna be so bored like it's oh my god i know and it's like i know men and i'm like but fuck i'm gonna be so bored like it's oh my god i know and it's like i know it's coming it's coming soon i'm gonna have like a long single period it was really helpful like i basically like didn't date didn't have sex i mean i think i masturbated and stuff tumblr porn was happening at the time oh my god no rest in peace yeah i know i missed it now it's reddit can i tell you oh i haven't I know. I missed it. Now it's Reddit. Can I tell you? Oh, I haven't seen Reddit porn. Well, it's just that everyone's nudes just go on Reddit. Really?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, you're on Murder Reddit. I'm on Porn Reddit. Let's start a business. Seriously. Yeah, so it wasn't like, I don't want to say toxic porn. I have no judgments about porn. It was more tasteful.

It was kind of, it wasn't like I'm seeing crazy stuff that was like activating me to like, you know, desensitizing me to where I needed to act out in any way. It was kind of like black and white, grainy. Remember it was on a loop? Yeah. It was always on a loop. Tumblr porn. Tumblr porn was so made for women.

If you got on the right threads, you'd find Tumblr in general was made for women in gay men. Dude, 100. Because there would be a long blog entry next to it And you're more wet from that I'm like emotionally invested in her I'm like oh I can read all about your trip to Italy Girl It was called Italians do it better

And it was like just Italians having sex In public in Italy That's incredible It was amazing I don't know if I was more into the travel element Or actually the sex element Italians having sex in public in Italy. Like, I'm on my way. That's beautiful. It was amazing. And we're finding it. I don't know if I was more into the travel element or actually the sex element. And then it seemed like a- Like, that gondola is stunning.

It was, like, not distracting, whereas most porn I see, I'm like, that's not assembled properly. Like, that bed doesn't even make sense. I was recently just watching this porn where these people were fucking on this cabin in a train. And, like, they were, like, cabin in a train and like they were like you know how train cabins have like bunk beds

and they were like she was in like the split across the top bunk see that never has to happen and I swear to god I was just thinking to myself the entire time I couldn't even get into it

I was like how the fuck are they doing this and like who's next door that's so crazy I don't I get distracted so easy and then do you ever leave like the porn angle

and you start thinking about the cameraman and you're like, what the fuck is he? How is he up there? Is he also in the splits? Like, I always do that. I don't know if it's like

the YouTuber in me, but I'm always like, what setting is the camera on? And then Pornhub and all these new ones, they'll go through these phases where, first of all, I think it is so weird

that we all jerk off together to the same thing. It's like most popular and everyone's like, what's everyone out? Like, I just want to make sure we're all, it's it is so weird that we all jerk off together to the same thing. It's like most popular. And everyone's like, what's everyone up? Like, I just want to make sure we're all, it's like a huge orgy. I've never thought about that. It's a global orgy. I've never thought about that.

We're all jerking off to her today. Cool. Like, it's so weird to me. I've never fucking thought about that. I'm like, I want to know the least viewed one of the day. That's so smart. And I'm going to be over there. Oh, I feel bad for the person who went through all that effort and they're the least viewed

one of the day. I know. Pity turns me on Let me help you, let me throw you a bone I wanna click on yours like a bunch today And now that I've like entered the OF world or whatever I have so many friends that do porn and I'll be going down the timeline and I'm like I just got coffee with her. I just got coffee with her

I just saw him at the fucking grocery store and then I have to like start over pussy on Sahara Desert again Oh no Like, it's so odd P pussy on Sahara Desert again. It's so odd. Pussy on Sahara Desert is crazy. Shit's dry as hell. I'm pissed. Wait, that's so weird because yeah, I did the OFTV, The Roast, which is like kind of like last time I saw you.

And I had Angela White on my podcast and I just had Adriana Cechik and I have Riley coming on. And I kind of am like, I of am like I need to watch their work before they come on. That's hilarious. But it's a weird thing. Absolutely. Do you think you could ever watch one of your friends in a porn? Do you have to tell them? Before I got into

this world, of course I watched Riley Reid and Lana Rhodes and then I met them and I'm like, big fan! Can you do butt kegels? I'm trying right now.! Can you do butt kegels? I'm trying right now. I don't think, I mean, you can squeeze your butthole, but I don't know if there's the same muscle thing, right?

Why do you have to look up and to the right when you do it? I'm dead in your eyes. I don't want to look you in the eye when I'm squeezing my butthole. Whitney, you're my idol. We're not, I mean, this is, we're falling in love. We are not this close. Like, absolutely agreed. You should not have seen my you. You're my idol. I don't give a shit. We're not. I mean, this is, we're falling in love. We are not this close. Like, absolutely agreed.

You should not have seen my shit. You're the closest person to me after this. I had an OB once tell me straight up. She was this amazing. I don't know why she's not working anymore. But she would, every time I would go in, she would give me some wild advice that I never asked for. She would be like, oh, just FYI, if you're going, I was like, oh, I'm going on a vacation

with a guy or something. She'd be like, oh, well, if you're about to have your period and you know it, which it always comes on a vacation, always, always, always for whatever reason. And she goes, just get into a bathtub, put a tampon in, get into a bathtub, soak, pull the tampon out, put a tampon in again, soak in the bathtub, let it butterfly out, and just keep doing it until there's no blood left. What the fuck? You can just like get all your period out in one day?

And there's also a medication, it's a French medication that's not approved over here, that can, I don't know if it's spironolactone, it might be, that's a diuretic that I think makes you lose water. What? I used to take that for my skin. Oh, really? Yeah, they give it, it's like a hormone, they give it to, like, Lila was taking it

when she was transitioning. No way. Whoa. So I don't know, I, you know. But what is it supposed to? It gets rid of your period in like a day? It's spironolactone day it stops it i think it go ahead no you can take something i just didn't add for it like you can take you can take a pill if you have like a beach vacation coming up you can take a pill and it'll delay your period that's right that's right oh yes yes something and i

think i'm not sure what it is maybe but i don't know i'm a doctor people now are putting uh like a beauty blender in your vagina and then you can just have sex on your period. Don't do that. Don't do that. I've seen y'all before. That's a bitch's beauty blender floating around in your purse

that just with no bag. Well, don't. And you know I use the same one for my concealer six hours later. Dude, that is 100% where COVID came from. Y'all bitches, beauty blenders.

They are doing it for the record. It's not me. Why do you just have a loose beauty blender in your purse? All the porn girls do that apparently. So they put it in, you have have a loose beauty blender in your purse? All the porn girls do that, apparently. So they put it in.

You have sex with the beauty blender. Yeah, because it's like... Yeah, and it's like... Or a cosmetic sponge, like the little white triangle ones, I guess. Sure, sure, sure. I'm saying I guess. Like, I don't know. It's a porn thing.

I've never done it, but I would try it. I would try it, I feel like. Why not? As long as I knew it was safe. Yeah, but then imagine... See, here's the other thing. Are you a tampon girl a pad girl or a diva cup girl a pad girl a what no i'm not a handmade a pad are women out there still wrapping

up dish towels and putting them in their underwear they are sometimes i'm a free bleeder free i'd rather free bleed than a pad a pad just demeaning to me i don't know why there was the stylist carla welch did these underwear that had oh my god those scare the fuck out of me a pad in them or something are they heavy you could free bleed in them i don't know and then you wash i feel like i'd be sagging like a like a little kid when they like their diaper but otherwise you just want to free bleed i mean why i have a theory that like if you if you decide you're not bleeding you're just not i do that like Three days into the period, I'm like, now we're done, bro. Yeah, and then it's over.

And listen, you're with it or you're not with it, okay? Absolutely. Tell me you're all with me. If a guy doesn't eat you out, I mean, that's bad. Is that what you mean? Or having sex without? If a guy doesn't have sex with you on your period, they're gay. Oh, absolutely.

I believe. And then if they don't eat you out, they're not serious about that protein diet, as far as I'm concerned. Like, you'll drink 19 protein powders a day, but you won't suck my blood. No, literally. Come on. Have you ever met a man who does like awful like cartel cocaine and then he's like, won't like fuck you on your period? And it's like, nope, you got to go.

You know, it's like, how do you put one thing in your body, but you're afraid of that? Like you're terrified. I'll be on everyone. You know that about me. There's a comic Rich Vaz. He has a funny joke. He goes, I don't mind having sex with a girl on her period. I just pretend like I'm killing her. love that i'm like just pretend like you're murdering me why is your dream that's my type but um the uh i had i was on birth control forever because i used to get these gnarly migraines yeah i'm so glad i went off of it i feel like now is

not the time to be like anti-birth control whatever it's just for me it just like made me a little bit crazy it made me lethargic i feel I feel like it, you know, I can't imagine. I was on this, uh, the IUD forever. And then I went off of it in December. And I mean, my period,

it was like black tar for like a good month. So I don't think a tampon was going to do much. You could go sell that shit in Wilcumpton. It was wild, dude. So it took me a second to like get it back and functioning. But yeah, I normally do.

Um, cause if I'm performing on stage, I'm like, I have, I have to sew maxi pads into my clothes, into my blazers when I perform so that I don't sweat a lot. Oh, she's on. So I use pads for that. But I usually have to use tampons on stage. I was just going to say, we were talking about the beauty blender taking it out of the puss. And I was like, how do you get it out?

I'm not that type of person. I'm not going up in there deep and you know deep sea diving for like so much blood like there was this one so they still make them that are are they called OB where it was just like a thing and it didn't have an applicator that's what that's the only thing that's overseas too scary to me I don't want anything foreign like I don't know if I can get that out oh and then it's like in your cuticles no it's just it's just like I'm not listen I'm not like digging around it's like just a tampon without the applicator. They sell as a string.

You just physically... Oh, no, you're right, but some don't. But everywhere overseas, like Australia, I'll never forget the first time I went there, and I was like, do you guys have a tampon? And they just hand me this little fucking bullet. And they're like, what do you mean? I put this in your pussy, and I'm like, what do you mean?

Where's the rest of it? Everywhere overseas, they don't have fucking tampons with applicators. When I go, I swear to God, my whole carry-on is just tampons from America. Yeah, it's a whole thing. Are you doing the Diva Cup? No, that's what I was... No. Okay.

The Diva Cup scares the absolute fucking shit out of me. But then everyone who does it is so cult Diva Cup. It feels like big Megan Fox energy. Oh, yeah. And you know she's giving it to MGK like a fucking tequila shot i mean no one looks like that without drinking their own period blood something's up if it works i'll do it i swear to god anything that looks like megan fox that's absolutely yeah i feel like you kind of do right you i the dysmorphia is is so real with y'all um but yeah every woman i know that has like big like

like astrology energy is into the diva cup thing i just here's the thing okay it's one thing at home right you take it out at home you go over the sink at home you dump it out what happens when you're in a ralph's and there are other women in that bathroom at that thing and you walk out that are bleeding from other places so many other places but you walk out. That are bleeding from other places. So many other places. But you walk out with it in your hand. Because you got to do it in the sink. You have to like do a little. Well, you could do it. You dump it in the toilet.

But then you're supposed to rinse it in the sink. Where strangers are fucking there. I feel like that's the least spooky shit that happens in a Ralph's bathroom. I know. I was just going to say. It's like I'd suck dick in a Ralph's bathroom. What the fuck am I worried about a diva cup? But also, by the way, I mean, period blood isn't like other blood.

It's kind of viscous. It's kind of always not. It's actually like the percent of actual blood that's in period blood is like 10% or something. Really? I just made that up. It's mostly like lava. I mean, it's not just blood. It's mostly just other fluids and a little bit of blood.

Oh, my God. Yeah. It feels like it needs a Google. But I would like to see someone pour it out. It's like sludge a little bit of blood. Oh my God. Yeah. Feels like it needs a Google, but I would like to see someone poured out. It's like sludge a lot of the times because it's a uterine lining. This is where you get... No, this comes out of my own pussy every month.

I'm just, I can't stop thinking about the Diva Cup pour. It has nothing to do with the blood itself. Obviously that comes out of me. The Diva Cup pour triggers me for some reason. What is your main thing that like grosses you out? I honestly, maybe it's just literally imagining someone. You know the list of things that are weirdly embarrassing, but that aren't? Yeah.

Give me an example. Pulling a suitcase, not on all fours, but on only two wheels. Oh, dude, that is so... I can't even look at you. When I tour with comics and they show up with that shit, I'm just like, I can't even. This is hard to watch. Absolutely. That's just how I feel.

The poor. Pulling a suitcase over gravel, you're like, oh. Oh, my God. It's so amazing. There are things that, and this is when I think it's important for women to admit when they're sexist, even if it's because biology is sexist. One time I was madly in love with this guy.

Madly in love. We were in New York. Oh, God. And you know around, I don't know what area Tribeca or something There's a cobblestone Sort of And he like

Tripped and fell Like it wasn't It wasn't like a It was like He kind of caught it But I just My body Like I just instantly

Fell out of love with him It was It was awful I just was like You're not a father You can't provide for It was like a So next time you have a guy

that you are toxic attracted to, just take him downtown. Take him to Ireland or a cobbly place. No, I had my ex twisted his little ankle. Oh, buddy! It was a little before he twisted it.

He was your big man. On the curb at the Grove in the Grove paramedics had to come. Oh! Was it one of those things where they go and like bounce up or you kind of like or did he go down?

No, he was down. That's the problem. He sat. He was on the ground. Why do I feel like this was in front of Build-A-Bear? It was outside of the Cheesecake Factory

which is so much worse. I literally was like, get up now. The Grove paramedics had to come. Be a man. Walk out with your one leg. Drag your little limb foot out. Icing it. I swear to God. I was like, get up right now. The Grove paramedics had to come. Be a man. Walk out with your one leg. Drag your little limb foot out. Icing it. I swear to God. I was like, get up right now. If my foot, if my femur

was broken, I would be up on my feet. You would never hear of his foot amputated. And that's a me problem. That's like the equivalent of a man watching you give birth and watching your pussy tear in 12 places. Like it's, you gotta, as soon as a guy starts to go down, you gotta get out of there. Get out. For them. I don't think I could ever have anybody watch me give birth. Are you gonna have, like, a little viewing party? Are you gonna have, like, a little streaming?

Are you gonna lie to me and I'm my only fan? I don't know. I mean, there's this kind of, like, a lot of people, women I know, they're like, just do a planned cesarean. I'm like, like, L.A. people are just so not, it's either, like, plan your cesarean or have it in a bathtub. Like there's no in between with people.

We're not doing like just OG. What the fuck is a cesarean? I'm like, I want. A C-section. Oh, okay. Like, I don't know yet. This is all very new. I didn't know that I was pregnant until almost 11 weeks, which is the biggest dumb horror

move of my life. Me though. Well, you took the pregnancy test. We saw it on your podcast and it had the little book. Yes, when Matt Reif was on. Yeah. And so I was like taking them

because I was just like feeling weird. I was like so lethargic and I was like, I guess going off birth control. As soon as I went off birth control, I all of a sudden had all this energy and I felt like almost like a manic, like this renewed sense of just like,

because when you're on birth control, Like the world's in color again. It tells your body you're pregnant, you know? So you start getting hypervigilant. A really important thing is neither of you are on birth control. Never have been. I'm terrified of it.

Interesting. Because when you're on birth control, your olfactory glands, you smell men differently. So they always say that if you're on birth control and you're in a relationship, before you get engaged or married, you should go off birth control for a year and see if it's still a match. Yeah, because you'll be all of a sudden not attracted to your partner anymore. It's like maybe like a pheromone thing. I don't know.

Yes, yes. So it's like when you're pregnant, you're going to be attracted to a different type of man than if you're not pregnant. Oh my. That's so scary to me. Like wait,

I like bald men. Like just something else. Bald men are hot. I'm super into bald. Really? There was a study about it. I haven't tried it. But cradling his little head

sounds fun. I mean like a basketball, like palming a basketball. Y haven't tried it. But cradling his little head sounds fun. I mean, like a basketball, like like palming a basketball. Y'all are monsters. I mean, you're kind of monsters. Shining it, using it as a mirror. I'm not doing a restaurant, I'm doing my lip liner in there.

Stop. There was a... Sing a selfie in it. What was it? It was like a, um, she's using it as a ring light. Honey, um, there was a study that was like, uh like about men being hotter to women when they're bald. More because it's like so against type. Like it's just punk rock to do. Yeah, it's kind of like cunt.

Now that I think about it, I fuck Howie Mandel. It's kind of like a woman like buzzing her head. Have you fucked Howie Mandel? Wow. Who? What? Hold on. We just went like so many different directions. I'm so interested in both things you're saying.

Like when a girl buzzes her head, it's like, wow, like that's amazing. And then they're just like so hot because it's like that's crazy that you went against the norm. So maybe like same thing with men. It's like, wow, you don't give a fuck what people think. But it's like usually bald is not an option. Usually it's like you go bald when you have to. It's very like alpha. Yeah.

But like Jason Statham, The Rock, there was like big bald energy. There's some sexy bald people. I was just saying I'd fuck Howie Mandel. Okay, see that's We should go back to that.

Oh my God, Howie. I'm about to go on his podcast again. He's about to get a restraining order. He's very germaphobic. He wouldn't go near. No offense. No, she is not dirty. No, I swear to God

the first time I met him he was like I feel like normally he's like six feet from people. He was like 12 feet from me. He's in a different room. So fucking moody. And I know he hates a cough.

And I'm just like, I'm such a smoker, so I cough a lot. Like innately. And I was like holding it in, like tears streaming down my face. I was like, he's going to kick me out. Awful. The video put it on OnlyFans. Guys love when women cry. Oh my God.

They really do. That's a big red flag. No way, though. Wait, you're telling me there is a sector of people on OnlyFans guys love when women cry oh my god they really do that's a big red no way though wait you're telling me there is a sector of people on OnlyFans that just would like jack off to a video of me crying I will I 100 I could do that kind of OnlyFans I cry like at least three times a day oh my god you're sitting on a pot of gold you are holy fuck need to step it up I one time was like crying about something to a guy and I saw him secretly taking pictures. Swear to God.

That is... And I was like, let me see your phone. And he was like, I just want to make sure I never make you feel this way again. So I was going to take these photos to remind myself. And you see,

I would have believed him. That's like where I would have been like, And that's when I stopped dating actors. That's when it was over. I was like, oh right, you wear makeup and you win prizes

for how good you are at pretending and lying. Oops. If it's a flat or a squeal, a wobble or peel, your tread's worn down or you need a new wheel, wherever you go, you can get it from our tread experts. Until May 30th, purchase four new Michelin passenger or light truck tires and receive up to $70 by prepaid MasterCard. Conditions apply. Details at Michelin.ca.

Find a Michelin tread experts dealer near you at treadexperts. Conditions apply. Details at michelin.ca. Find a Michelin Tread Experts dealer near you at treadexperts.ca slash locations. From tires to auto repair, we're always there. TreadExperts.ca. Actors do terrify me. Really? Have you dated actors? No.

Like, I kind of avoid them at all costs. I mean, it's like I have actors, friends, you know, but they lie for a living. They're great at lying, and people pay them lots of money for how good they are at swindling you. It took me a long time to realize charm is a red flag. It honestly is. But I love it. Yeah, but then I love musicians.

So it's like, get a fucking. Oh, God, you might as well do magicians. Musicians. Are you insane? We were just talking about fucking a musician or a magician. The other day, this guy was showing me a card trick and I swear to god i was wet that's weird oh by the way i hope you're talking credit cards could you imagine like you're fucking a guy your card and i was like you want to go upstairs it wasn't even my card he wasn't even good at it i swear to god this is how do i wear are we in the magic castle

i love the magic castle you hear about the one that committed suicide the magician that was found in the closet i've never been there it's wild maybe i can find a boy you have to like wait you should ask your magician boyfriend well he's actually my ex-boyfriend's best friend, so I'm going to have... Who was the magician? My ex-boyfriend's best friend. Okay, is there a new crop of magicians coming out? And he's definitely probably a drug dealer on the side and just does that chipboard and Like a community, like the same way comedians are?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, kind of. Yes, they actually have all these, almost, almost, like, not a union, but because you're not allowed to... Sorry. I'm just, like, just picturing them all in a room, like, just, like, opening up a book and it catches on fire. Do you know that?

Like, there's all this... I wonder if they're, like, competitive about it. I know. The way that comedians are always, like, doing bits with each other, are they always, like, and so, why is your wife's number in my phone? um because they're not you're not allowed to give each other the secrets away yeah or whatever so they have all these meetings to like make sure that like

absolutely ever and i no longer want a magician imagining them all in a room like someone's taking a rabbit out of a hat and shit like that's's awful. But you know who the stud is? Yeah, why do you have a rabbit in your pocket? That's like a full life thing. One time, David Blaine is hot. He's hot. Like chew more glass, daddy. He's so hot, but he scared me so bad. One time, I swear to, he came,

so I'm sorry to cut you off. Please, someone has to. He was at my workplace and I said to somebody, he was so far away from me, he was probably like 300 feet away from me. And I said, I was like, he's kind of sexy. He came over to me literally like 30 minutes later and he goes,

I heard what you said. How'd you hear what I said? How the fuck did you hear what I said? But he might not have and just said it and just put you in a spiral. He could probably see it in my eyes. Either way, it's going to make you frazzled. It's funny too because he really probably uses that to his it's funny too. You said something. Like, either way, it's going to make you frazzled. Yeah. It's funny too,

because like, he really probably uses that to his advantage all the time. Like, I would. Shit, like, everyone already thinks you're like this supernatural force. Like, you could really

fucking trip people up with that. Dude, that is so genius. To go up to anyone, you're in a world, and just be like, I heard what you said. Like, everyone's going to freak out. Yeah, absolutely.

Honestly, no, it wasn't even that crazy now that I think about it. I've been thinking to myself, like, how did he know? Oh, no, no, dude. So, I was at an event that about it. I've been thinking to myself, like, how did he know? Oh, no, no, dude. So I was at an event that he was at. I'm totally fine telling the story.

I was at an event that he was at. No, you need a podcast titled that. I know. Like, I'm fine telling the story. I have umbrella insurance. So I basically am at this, like, it's like a celebrity's hire, magicians and whatever, and I could afford to have him come. Illuminati party. Yeah. I do, like, sleight of hand magic. It's David Blaine. hire magicians and whatever and could afford to have him come. Illuminati party.

Yeah, I do like sleight of hand magic. It's David Blaine. You're like, huh? And so I did send a tweet. I guess I tweeted something making fun of him like years ago. Story of my life. I don't remember what it was. I never thought I'd run into him.

I never thought he'd be like reading my tweet. He came up to me and I was like, hey, what's up? And he was like, I saw that tweet. Oh, shit. And I was like, oh, my God god I don't remember what it was but I was like I'm so sorry that was so rude and then I had my phone on me and he was like because I just I want to see some like I want you to eat some bugs let's go I was like how did I screw me like do it screw myself like and then so he was like oh is that the new iPhone and I was like yeah and he grabbed my iPhone and he was like

oops and he was like uh is this the new one? And I was like, I'm so sorry. Like, I can take the tweet down, whatever I was saying. And then he gave me his phone back and then did some bullshit, whatever. Put like a knife through his neck or something.

And then I'm on the ride home and I get a call, David Blaine. And it's like he put his shit, like just like by holding it. He held it when, I mean, two seconds. I know that when you throw someone off and they're scared and they're in their fight or flight mode,

everything seems like it's going, like, slower. So I don't know exactly how long he had because I was so distracted. But, like, you never gave him your passcode. It wasn't unlocked. Like, he just, like, did it. I don't know if he, like, bumped, like, something or, like, I feel like there were apps back then where you could just bump your contact really quickly. I don't know what he did.

But he called me. And then, I mean, he could have got my number from the, I don't know. And then, it wasn called me. And then, I mean, he could have got my number from the, I don't know. And then it wasn't even like he was like flirting super hard with me, but he sent me these videos of him training a crow

to identify cards. Like crows are like really crazy smart. And it was like the hottest thing I'd ever seen. I was like this Harry Potter motherfucker, like getting crows

to pick up cards and like, and they picked the right car I'm like you're a magician this crow is smarter than your new boyfriend matter of fact crows are smarter

than every man I've ever dated they're gangsters absolutely I have crows at my house for security so did you fuck David Blaine I didn't

maybe you tell me you should have what if I just find a video of my phone of us fucking someone needs to yeah maybe you did and you didn't know.

Someone has to do it just to know what it's like. Because he's so abnormal just in regular life. I need to know what he's like. Imagine he just looks at you from across the room and goes like, his nose starts bleeding. You're coming six ways. Like, oh my God. You just start crying.

Yeah, absolutely. You actually look like the model that he dated. Do you know Josie Moran She's got skin care lines now She's beautiful She's stunning I mean she's like Stunning

And they dated for a long time I can't imagine Who's the other really hot one Chris Angel Oh my god And remember when Holly Madison finally left Hugh Hefner

For And her like next boyfriend Was Chris Angel Oh my god She's such an icon Like and it was such an upgrade And she moved to Vegas And Chris Angel had Oh my God, she's such an icon. And it was such an upgrade. She moved to Vegas and Criss Angel had a residency. And then she got a residency two hotels down.

And it was like Holly's peep show. Wait, what was she doing? It was like Holly's peep show. It was like a burlesque show or something. But imagine you finally leave. Imagine being with Hugh Hefner and you're in the Playboy Mansion locked behind those fucking gates with the peacocks. Seems like they all did well, no?

They all did well. Sorry, I don't know. Sorry, I'm so toxic. I Googled Josie Moran, and then I Googled Josie Moran Young. I just have to admit that I can't live with myself. I mean, not exactly. You know what I mean?

Oh, thank you. That's literally the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. She does this argan oil primer that I love. It's so good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so good. She's a good one. But yeah, I feel like I didn't really watch those Playboy. They seemed funny

and cute. I don't know. They were, but then it came out later. It wasn't that cute or funny. Well, I also, I have a whole, I have a couple like things on my podcast that are the only reason I feel like I keep doing them is my little like I have a bee in my bonnet about Shirley Temple and Marilyn Monroe. You know that Hugh

Hefner bought the plot above her in the mausoleum so that he could be buried face down so that he would always be on top of Marilyn Monroe, like,

on top of her. And I'm like, let's get her bones out of there. That's so fucking weird. Who fucking does that? And I'm not even like, I feel like Marilyn Monroe,

like, people just, there's other women that have had things hard too, you know? But it just is like. So like even in death, like the woman can't catch a break. Yeah, dude. She just like has this fucking dusty ass bones like above her. Like what a bummer. Oh my god.

And he bought it like right away. So that he could be buried on top of her. That's so fucking weird. What do you do? Who do you call about that? Like you don't. Is this a Yelp thing? I don't know. How do you prevent that from happening? We need someone like so funny Like a funny ass guy To bury himself On top of Hugh Hefner

Like Like Jeffree Star I was gonna say Burt Kreischer But Jeffree Star I don't think he would Fit into the locker Jeffree Star is so

Fucking I don't know Someone that's just like Butt fucking him in death Because he Had them do his body Face down Do you wanna be buried I you want to be buried?

I don't want to be buried. What do you want to be? Cremated. I don't even care. Honestly, as long as you don't put me in a hole. I really want my friends to smoke me or snort me. Like a line of me or like you put me. So I wouldn't mind being cremated.

Some things you just shouldn't. Yeah, but what do you have to test it for fentanyl? Yes. You have to do the testing You shouldn't be able to waterboard that information out of me Don't tell people that Have you ever cremated anyone or had to do it No Oh I don't know

I just had to do it My mom passed and cremating is not No one prepares you for it It shows up in a box Like a FedEx box. Like a two day prime. It's like when you order counterfeit makeup by accident on Amazon. Absolutely.

And it's like wonky packaging. You're like, this isn't MAC. Like pink eye. I opened it and then I was trying to put it in different urns. And there's like, it's not, it's not just ashes. There's like, I was like, is that a button? Like I don't, there's little parcels of other things in there. No fucking way, though.

Yeah, it's not, it's like crunchy. It's so odd. It's like when you make a smoothie and you don't blend the fruit all the way and there's chunks and you're drinking it. Did you just compare her mother to a smoothie? Yes, I did put her in the blender to try to get it smoother. The food processor. I'm so sorry for you.

Please do not apologize. We didn't know. Is it an organ? Is that? I don't know. That's crazy. It's wild. I never knew that.

It doesn't come out as smooth as you would think it would in the movies. You know? Or maybe it was the place I did it. It was in Tarzana. So maybe I just sort of spent a little more money. I don't know. I did it at Smoothie King. Is that weird

I had a paid partnership With Jamba Juice I was like Yeah I just was like Oh my god Can you add a protein boost To my mom please

People end up doing that It's also like Not that much It's well It's like eight pounds But then when you're I want to be eight pounds Yeah

I knew she would die Being thrilled That she was only eight pounds But yeah It's like eight pounds, but then when you're... I want to be eight pounds. Yeah, exactly. I knew she would die being thrilled that she was only eight pounds. But yeah, it's like a weird one. Like how we started. I was born eight pounds. I'm like, I was tiny. I was five pounds. I was so tiny. But then I was in that little fucking toaster oven forever.

What? Fuck. Like I was a premature or whatever. Wait, are you scared to give birth? Terrified. Yeah. Terrified. I never... I always thought I would adopt, like, scared to give birth? Terrified. Yeah. Terrified. I never,

I always thought I would adopt like if I had a kid. Same. Well, because I was always like having your own kids like isn't it like getting a dog from a breeder?

Like it's just, there's kids that need homes. Like I always thought I would adopt. Like I, although I was very like regimented, I was always like

I'm never going to get married before 35. Like I'll think about it at 35. I'll start even considering that idea. That's how I feel. I'm like I want to wait later. married before 35. Like, I'll think about it at 35. I'll start even considering that idea. That's how I feel. I'm like, I want to wait. Yeah, don't sign any contracts with the state of California right now.

Honestly, you're changing my mind. I've done a lot of bad deals in my day. And I have never seen a worse one than the marriage deal in California. Oh, my God. But you can also have a party and get a ring and that kind of stuff without getting the government involved. Right in there. At least right now. You know what I mean?

I mean, then you have to get some crazy prenup and that's always kind of awkward. Have you done a will? No, and I really need to. Because you could also do... Why? No, not that I'm going to die soon. I just always think about it. I have big plans this weekend in Vegas.

No, I just need to and I haven't because it's so morbid. And like, what if my mind changes? You can change it. What if Brooke and I have a really good day and I'm like, damn, haven't because it's so morbid. And what if my mind changes? You can change it. What if I have a really good day and I'm like, damn, you can have my Peppa Pig collection. I know, the week before your will, I'm going to be doing all kinds of things, bringing you breakfast. Totally, can you let me know when you do this? It would be survival or battle of the fittest. Everyone would be waiting on me hand in butt.

It's a good thing to put out there just to let everybody know. But I think that you can do that which is something that sort of like helps you know clarify some of it but

it's kind of a and I haven't completed it or anything but it's a kind of like oddly enlightening experience because you get real about like oh these are my

who my real friends are who would I trust with my dog like who would I trust with my this and then I kind of like get corny about it

I'm like I love the idea of leaving a bunch of money to just the guy at Trader Joe's who's been so nice to me for like six years. Oh my God, aw. And you might do that. I feel like someone, I just saw someone who left all their money to their dog.

Well, that's dumb. That's a dumb idiot. That's a dumb idiot. You would do that with your cat. I would, and she deserves it. All 70 feet. But it's not going to your cat. And you know it. Like where is it going though? To whoever takes care

of the cat. So then that would have to be your favorite friend. I guess then that would be the person at Trader Joe's who was really nice to me. Yeah no the Trader Joe's guy is not getting what my dog would get. What does that mean when they're like Elizabeth Taylor left all her money to her shih tzu. I think it just means that they don't like their kids enough to give it to them. I think it's like

kind of like a fuck you to like everyone who doesn't deserve the money. Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure. Hmm. Yeah, I don't... Like being petty and just... Yeah, that is an act of violence. That is an act of emotional violence. Damn, and that's some shit I would absolutely do.

Taylor Swift does music video. Like if my kid, if I just hated my fucking kid, like I'm leaving everything to like a Peppa Pig stuffed animal. I feel like I'm going to be left with like debt. Like fuck off. My kid's an asshole. I don't think kids should get a bunch of money. I mean, I think that's like just setting a kid up.

Yeah, are you going to have a nepo baby? Because I've seen your house, bitch. You know what? I was walking around there like, oh shit. Like we should probably like. Like the bathroom is in the fifth wing. Okay, Whitney. But when you, I mean, when you came over,

I had found out i was telling her like truly two hours before and i was like yeah i was like running around like people had brought all these mushrooms over i just found out i was pregnant and i was like oh my only fans career is about to start i just found out i'm pregnant like this is over for me um but uh but i don't i don't know i don't plan. I would rather all my money kind of be spent by the time I die. My goal would be by the time I'm like 60, 70, 80, that I spend all my money and die with like $10. Yeah, honestly, I feel the same way. I feel like that would just naturally happen to me.

Unless there's people I really want to leave it to. But I mean, while you're alive, like with your kid, like are you going to raise, like, you know, 16th birthday, are they getting a Maserati or a Hooptie? No, no, no, no, no. They're getting a new pair of shoes to walk their ass to whatever school they pay for themselves. I'm a Southern bitch when it comes to, like, I'll pinch a kid, dude. I'll pinch someone else's kid. Absolutely. If your kid is acting up in the grocery store, like, I just, I feel like there's an epidemic of people who need to get knocked out more.

I've always said you could just completely tell the difference between someone who's never been punched in the face or told to shut the fuck up and people who have. Correct. I think Mike Tyson said it. Mike Tyson was like, the biggest problem with today is people can talk shit without getting punched in the face. Absolutely.

And he'd be the one to say it. Can I tell you, back to my favorite word, my mom, I grew up, I'll call it calm, addiction, all kinds of stuff. A lot of neglect. I was alone a lot. Us too. Yeah, of course same thing i know i'm like she's like no you yeah i just say you guys where are you from from arizona oh where uh phoenix okay nice i don't know that i'm there okay i love it there um and so uh i remember my mom uh she was always running around divorce crushed her like crushed her like i was

like there's nothing worse than watching your mom like cry like she was very emotional um a lot of things and she was like dating up new guys and i mean dating it's so weird when you see your parents through as being an adult yeah you're just kind of like as a kid you're like get your shit together and you're like oh you were kind of just like a hot mess that's so weird to think because you were like responsible for my survival like yeah, yeah, it's mind blowing. And so she started dating new guys. And I was like, my sister and I were running around on the street being nightmares. How what else would we do given the circumstances?

And I like stole some money from her purse. And she was like, did you steal money from a person or whatever? And I was like, well, you're going to make it back because you're a fucking hooker. You know, I was like 11 when I said this to her face. And she smacked me so hard I hit a wall and like went down and I remember as I was like going down I literally thought to myself I was like thank god like thank god she finally stood up to thank god she finally parented me yeah you know what I mean like kids want structure they want... Smacked you right into a comedy group. Kids want to be a fan.

And open mics. But also, I see these parents that want to be friends with their kids. I'm like, this isn't your friend. Yeah, there needs to be some authority. If it's a flat or a squeal, a wobble or peel, your tread's worn down or you need a new wheel, wherever you go, you can get it from our tread experts. Until May 30th, purchase four new Michelin passenger or light truck tires

and receive up to $70 by prepaid MasterCard. Conditions apply. Details at Michelin.ca. Find a Michelin Tread Experts dealer near you at TreadExperts.ca slash locations. From tires to auto repair, we're always there. TreadExperts.ca And the gentle parenting of it all. Like, weirdly on gentle parenting TikTok, I think it's because I just can't stop watching the whole video in, like, awe.

Like, you know what I mean? Like, there are kids, like, throwing a toy across the plane and, like, well, how do you feel today, Echo? Don't fucking do that. What? Yeah, but why does your kid have toys on the plane? Why does your kid have so much shit? Like, why does your kid have so much shit from China in here?

You know, it's like, I mean, I don't know. There's a great book called Hunt, Gather, Parent, which actually reading it regardless kind of, like, helps even if you're not having a kid. Like, they're just going to do what you do. Your kid is just a reflection of you. So it's like, if you're throwing shit around the house when you get mad, and if, like, you don't have self-control,

where else are they going to get it? Yeah. Except from just watching what you do. And also, like, letting them, a big thing is, like, not telling them to do chores, like, at a very early age. Because they want to get it? Yeah. Except from just watching what you do. And also like letting them, a big thing is like not telling them to do chores like at a very early age because they want to do what you do. You know when you see kids

wanting to do things their parents do? Yeah, little kids are like trying to sweep the floor. Yeah, exactly. And parents are like, no, no, you go play. I'll do this.

That teaches them like, oh, that's not my job. It's my job to play. Yeah. And it's like even if it makes a bigger mess, you're supposed to just like let them do whatever you're doing.

Like let them help so that it just becomes second nature. You're going to be such a good mom. I'm so excited for you. That's so wild. You are though. You're supposed to just like let them do whatever you're doing. Like let them help so that it just becomes second nature. You're such a good mom. I'm so excited for you. That's so wild. You are though. You're gonna have like,

I feel like you're gonna have a hundred kids. Oh my, I want it. Honestly, I'm so, because then they can all watch each other fuck. Also, I feel like you. Not watch each other fuck.

Watch each other comma fuck. Okay. That is a, I feel like that. Just had to clarify that one. Incest is big on porn hub these days. It's weird. It's the biggest thing.

Porn will restore hope in my heart one day, and then it will shatter me the next day. So one day you're like, MILF porn is number one, and you're like, men want to watch women with stretch marks and hemorrhoids and vagina and anus being the same hole with dark

nipples have sad milf porn like it's so that's encouraging it's big and then the next day it'll just be like teenage incest you're like oh god we're back oh god we're back like baby doll fucking like oh no so awful it is did you guys have fun at the by my house did you get like because i feel like there were people there that maybe, uh oh. No, oh no, no, no. Continue. I had the best time ever. She was sober at the time.

So I drank for both of us. I had the time of my fucking, your house is like Disneyland. Guys, I just want to let you know, we show up to her house. We walk in. I think it's you sitting there. I walk in. I'm like, oh my God, Whitney. It's just a life-size doll of her Sitting there to greet you

Two feet later people are throwing axes Axes throwing people are riding a bull There's a petting zoo bitch What do you have a petting zoo Like that was just absolutely The most incredible beautiful house And I had so much fun Can we make sure they know what the life size doll of me is

So I don't just seem like a malignant narcissist I don't know but she's got a lazy eye. Dude, she's got her pussy's lazy, too. But her tits are huge. Yeah, this is a sex robot that I got made for my fourth special. What? I didn't know this. Yeah, so it's a functioning sex robot, and it moves, it

talks. Has anyone fucked it? No one's fucked it, but Chelsea Lynn was the first to finger it, and I think Adriana Cechik was at my house the other day, and I think she touched it a little bit. But no one's actually had sex with it yet. You need to let your man have sex with it and then hit the reviews. It's very cumbersome. I mean, it's hard to move around.

That's the main thing about the sex robots right now. That's literally me in life. I'm way harder to move around as a proud bottom. That's my performance in bed. Why do I harder to move around as a proud performance in bed. Is that, I feel, why do I feel like that's not true?

No, it's true. Really? I say it to be funny but it's also like that's my, I like it down there. The guy that I'm into, the baby father I know.

The guy that I'm into? The guy that I'm into. Baby, you're pregnant. That was bad but that's gonna be me everyone makes fun of me that I'm gonna be like at the altar like

I mean I guess forever like I think I do but I think that's more normal than being like this is the only one this is my soulmate like that's toxic and weird for sure

like for today I'm so into you like let's take this one day at a time like let's see I love you so much I wanted to squeeze your little fucking hand I love you I just today, I'm so into you. Like, let's take this one day at a time. Like, let's see, you know? I love you so much, I wanted to squeeze your little fucking hand right now. I love you. I just am like, I'm not, I don't know, dude.

Every day, I reserve the right to change my mind. I don't know what to tell you. Pop the fuck off, Queen. And that's like so settling, I feel like. Because then it's like, you feel like you could get out anytime. So it's like, not that you would need to, but it's like... But that's why you can stay in it, because you feel like you can breathe. Yeah, and you don't feel suffocated.

It's taken me so long to take pressure off of things. It's my nature to put pressure on things. I need to be the best at this. I need this to be perfect. I need this relationship to be perfect.

Like, no, would you want someone putting that pressure on you? You haven't called me. I've been staring at the phone. You haven't texted me back in 20 minutes. Like, we do that to other people.

We wouldn't want that done to us. So for me, if I'm going to go, this is my man forever, he's going to annoy the fuck out of me. But if i just go this is my man for now i'm like love this guy yeah you know so it's like i feel like that one day at a time at least for me approach is why it could last for a long time but i'm like i don't know you man like you're with someone for two years you're like i don't know you so you know i know the person you pretended to be for the first six months.

So valid. And then I hope you keep growing and changing. So I don't know who you're going to be in six months. I don't know who I'm going to be in six months. That's so valid. That's the problem with people who get married and stuff young. It's like, if I married somebody two years ago, the version of myself that I was two years ago, I'm disturbed by.

Yeah, because then we're like, that guy was such an asshole. It's like, but who was I at the time, too? Oh, my God. I was kind of this suffocating, impossible to please. The fridge attracted'm like, yeah, because then, and then we're like, that guy was such an asshole. It's like, but who was I at the time too? I was kind of suffocating. I was the fridge attracting like asshole magnets. Like I was being awful. Yeah. So it's like we were just two assholes in the wind.

Like who cares? We did a whoopsie. Two assholes in the wind. I call it like a whoopsie. Like we just did a whoopsie. You know, I've done some major whoopsies. It's just,

what's wrong with that? So many things. I love a good whoopsie though. But you're really making me feel better. I feel like'm gonna call you like please and then when someone comes along who's like great you'll actually have someone to compare them to you know and they'll be fine with me being just stationary in the bed i'm obsessed with you but i'm transitioning into my stationary in bed era it's just like i did it the other night for like the first time ever normally i'm like a cirque du soleil act and i have so much fun doing it. I will put some work in if like he deserves it.

Yeah, no, but I had so much fun. But they never do. I gotta tell you, there's something, I find it very hot when something is like very traditional. I know that is like whatever, a bad feminist, come at me, fine. But I'm so alpha in my work life that in my relationships, I like like to be very beta I like to

be like big mad mad energy yeah and this dude like a couple and I think part of the reason I got pregnant is one of the first guys I really was able to have like wild orgasms with because that's what actually helps you get pregnant you know no I'm like I'm good to go we don't need birth control and you can't get up and if you get up and leave right away after sex like it's gonna you know like I would like have to lie there and like you get up and leave right away after sex like it's gonna you know like i would like have to lie there and like you know yeah he would just like wouldn't stop like his kink is make is yeah making you have an orgasm you know best type of man which is like dude which is north carolina i don't know what to tell you it's a backwood hillbilly like i love north carolina

though i love hillbillies and by the way also i think people have this like i don't know bullshit judgment about like gamers like gamers like he's a gamer he's a nerd he's like a school shooter he did shoot up the club but um like he's a gamer I just said that to someone the other day I said shoot up my club yeah that's by the way when you're friends with comedians literally when I announced it I was pregnant 90% of like who shot up the club I'm like Jesus guys you're 60 um and, what are we doing? But there is also this, like, he was, like, he is very into, like, gaming. And so there's this, like, you're training to have valor. It's like these Star Wars nerds and these Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings guys.

What are the other ones? Vikings. I don't know. I just, like, because they look Utterly Vacant expressions Like I lost them Like At video games Like what are the ones

Where they're in Ireland Black Ops 3 Call of Duty Super Mario World Wii Fit I don't fucking know Nintendo But like Tekken

And Shit What are, help. That's not my thing. Shit. I don't believe you. There's another one. I don't know, but it's all about like valor and like getting the girl and protecting the princess in the castle.

And he like, it's kind of training you for that, you know? My little fingers are going wild. Yeah. Shit. He has a carpal tunnel. And I remember like, like when we first hooked up,

like I was kind of like, oh, let me pull out all the stops. You know, this is the beginning. This is where I'm going to, you know,

and I remember like trying to get on top of him and he just like rolled me back. Like, it just was like a full roll. And I was like,

I was like, what the fuck was that? And then every time flashed at all. And he, it wasn't even like, it was just so fast. I was like what the fuck was that and then every time flashed it all and he it wasn't even like it was just so fast I was like okay

and then I was like I'll try again in a minute you know and then I like tried to get back and he just took my shoulders and like put me back down and I just was like

what is he doing like this is how I you know see they're out there and he was just like and then I was like okay maybe I don't know

maybe the lighting is weird maybe that's bad anyway and then I went down this is so embarrassing i am so excited he i was like okay then then and he was just doing such a great job i was just so proud of him and proud of myself for allowing this to happen uh he we're like on the edge of the bed and i was like oh let me i'll go down on him like let me just you know now is it the baby now that you're trying to send to yourself? You're like, let's. No, you know what? I heard that YouTube gets like, shit gets taken down if you.

No, I don't give a fuck. You're Whitney Cummings. I don't know what to tell you, you know. And so then I go down and he literally comes down with me. He was like, oh, no, no, no, no. Like, it was almost like, oh, honey. Like, don't, like, I don't, like, don't like don't do like have some self-respect. This actually just happened to me.

I swear to God. Like this guy was like, no, it's all about you. I don't care. And I was like, but I'm so fucking good at sucking dick. I just want to show you. I'm so talented. Please. But he probably doesn't want to come fast either because like you'll probably, you know, and then and then and then I was like, what is happening?

Like he's like i just want to fuck you like stop being the top stopping the man you know and then one time i was able to go like okay like let me suck his dick today this is so bad i literally you know you go like you just go to gag on it to get some spit and he just went, I'm actually not into women hurting themselves. And that would be a hard battle for me. I don't wanna hurt myself. Cause he was just like, I just am not into hurting women. That's just not my thing.

What a sweet boy. That is so, I'm like that is so. What a sweet guy. He was like horrified because i was like and he was just like um that's okay he looked like he just witnessed a horrible crime like he just was like he's like i'm just not into that i don't want to tell you oh that is so that gives me so much hope in humanity i would have to stop fucking and sit down and like have a six-hour conversation it's like a dead ass.

And it made me so insecure because I was like, well, these are all the moves that I do that make me desirable. You probably had to rethink everything. Yeah. And then I felt like I was like, oh, now I have to like focus and be present and come because that's what he's into. And I like I never put that first for myself, you know? Yeah. And it was just like it was it's mind blowing.

Yeah. Wait, how cool that your last name is literally Cummings. It's awesome. And now I'm great. It's like, you know when people have just like convenient last names like Alicia Keys? Oh yeah, that's so good and quick for you. JP Sacks. It's like, wow.

But it's also, you know, that your last name apparently is what your ancestors used to do for a living. So it was like Taylor. They were Taylors. Like Tanner. Tanner. Like what the fuck were my ancestors doing? Oh my God.

So much love. Yeah. It's just so much love. It's a born hub. So much ancestors. Naming a kid, you have to like get into all of like what it means.

There's so few names that go with Cummings. Oh my God. Have you started thinking about names? I've been trying but it's kind of hard. Do you know gender?

I feel like you're going to be funny with your name. This is LA. The baby will tell me what gender it is. Well, that's so true. Are there genders? I feel like you're gonna be funny With your name This is LA The baby will tell me What gender it is That's so true Are there genders? I don't know

I do know the gender But I don't Should I say it? No you don't Well you don't have to Yes you should say it It's a boy I knew it

How did you know? I knew it I was in the shower today And I go Whitney's a boy mom I can tell You are such a boy mom Totally Oh my god

You are such a boy mom Oh my god This is crazy for allowing us to like have this. I know. It was weird. It's fine. It's okay.

Are you sure? You can sue later. No, no, no. Like, I seriously. No, I honestly like. I passed her like a check under the table. I'm so excited.

I knew it. I just knew it. I hate myself for when I found out about it because she texted me because I missed her call and we were both sitting waiting and we were waiting, waiting and it said boy and I was like, yeah. It's like I, we about it, because she texted me, because I missed her call, and we were both sitting waiting, and we were waiting, waiting,

and it said boy, and I was like, yeah! It's like, I, we have it on video of me being so excited, and I was like, okay, I need to look into that. What was that?

I think I just, like, I was so worried if it was a girl that I was, like, going to project my shit onto her. I don't know, and like, Yeah. No, you would have been good

with a girl, too, but I just, for some reason, I see you with a boy. I do think there's something about, and this is not science at all, but I see that, like... Also a podcast name. Yeah, not science.

Like, hear me out. That a lot of guys I know that have been really... that are, like, womanizers. Not that there's anything wrong with that. You know, if it's consensual and it's, like, whatever, like, sleep with as many girls as you want to. Like, I don't think that's going to make your life better. I think, like, I see these guys who are, like, addicted to porn and just, like, putting up numbers for sport.

And they're miserable. And they're anxious. Because I think that, like, after all the sexual harassment stuff, there's always, like, okay, I slept with this. Like, what are the chances one of these girls isn't going to, like, you know, need a retirement plan? Or, like, the paranoia that sets in. And just, like, the, it didn't work. Like, I see these guys in their 40s that like put up all these numbers and they're just like lonely and unsatisfied and like desensitized, you know?

Yeah, absolutely. So anyway, where am I going with this? We love you, Mike, and your burgers. I love Mike's. I love, he was at, I love that guy. I love him. He's the best. Yeah.

I mean, I haven't dated him, so I don't know, but. Me either. Like that's the beyond. I'll tell you, you've literally dated people who look I don't know. Me either. Like, that's the beyond. Altana, you've literally dated people who look like coloring books. Like, continue. Sorry. What does a coloring book look like? Like the school desk.

Like the face tattoos. Little doodles all over his face. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh. I love faces. What's wrong with a face tattoo? It's someone that you're not afraid of commitment. I guess that's true.

If someone with a face tattoo doesn't commit to you, that's bad. Good God. Next time anyone shits on me for gravitating towards face tattoos, that is all I'll ever say. He's not afraid of commitment. Yeah. I mean, that is like no red flags there. I feel like there's gotta be an easier way.

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From tires to auto repair, we're always there treadexperts.ca I don't even remember what I was talking about. We were talking about why you were happy it was a boy. Oh, I I just, I guess I just I don't, oh, I think that a lot of my guy friends that like put up all these, they're getting

girls. Like three girls like three girls. And then they have to protect the girls. This is so karmic that you now have to have a daughter. Yeah. And then I see like women that kind of have a little more, I'm kind of more of like, I have some masculine energy, tend to have boys. Yeah. I don't know.

It's interesting. It is true. I just think you are going to be such a good fucking boy mom for sure. The craziest part about it, maybe, I don't know, is that right when I started dating a girl, too. Wait. And just when I was like, I think I'm gay. And then I was like, shit, I'm pregnant.

Not gay, but just like, you are me, though. That would happen to me. That would just so happen to me. Having to tell the girl you're dating you're pregnant is a raw phone call crazy so what happened it's you know like were you in so many questions trust me i don't have any answers me um so the guy that your baby daddy you guys were not exclusive he loves star wars we call him lord vader yes lord vader and were you guys we were my mom had just died a lot was going on i didn't know him that well so i was like this whole thing of we just met we're together like

i was like i can't do that anymore like i can't overdose on people anymore i know how that ends yeah like let's just pace this out even if you are the guy so you're kind of dating other people this whole thing where you're like exclusive right away my thing is if you meet someone that you are obsessed with you're like keep dating other people yeah just keep doing it even if it's just like for practice even if it's we were just saying them like keep it open you never know don't hurt anybody don't sleep with anyone just for no reason or whatever but like if just keep texting other people just like take the pressure off you know have something to compare it to like don't put all your eggs in one so i was just kind of like i really like you i also have a crush on this other person like i'm not ready to make a decision yet yeah and i just

i was premature yeah i'm so now i don't know yet are you still gonna date the girl no i don't think so well i don't think so you know i'd be the type of girl to date a pregnant woman honestly what are you doing later the dating women it's a lot of voice memos it's so many voice memos a lot of people always like there's and if you cut if it stops you have to go all the way back to the beginning until they fix that i can't wait no they did they did they just really yeah you can you unsend a text yet until you can unsend a text i can't date women yeah you can't really but it says someone unsent the mess the text i need all these. That's even worse than the text. Yeah, it is.

I have such a fear of changing. I can't update my phone. I have none of these updates. I have the updates. I need them. I love it. You're still just saying ducking out there. Yeah, absolutely.

Why? Get the update, you freak bitch. Every time there is an update, things do go a little sideways. And that's it kind of like in my life honestly yeah i mean totally i feel like your life is going well i don't know that was a graph that was that was a graph that was it was going up and just it has little sideways there's the guy on the gravel with the suit. Ultimately going up. Absolutely. I think it is.

Honestly, someone was asking me this like the other day. They were like, you know, like, is that do you feel like everything is a success for you now? And I was like, I don't want it that way. Like, I think you need failures to humble you and teach you things and little divots in the graph to like become a better person. If you're just like this, you're going to be an awful raging. When Kevin Hart, when that Oscars things happened, we were like, oh, I love this guy. Thank God.

You know what I mean? It's just like win, win, win. And then he turned that, you know, speed bump into a win, of course. But it's like, I just think that people respond more to people's humanity. Absolutely. You know, and for lack of a better word, they're not imperfections. But most people are just like, why am I watching a perfect person be perfect all the time? It's just like boring, you know? My favorite people are the people that am I watching a perfect person be perfect all the time which is like boring you know

my favorite people are the people that like fuck up it took me a while to learn that like during the first couple scandals and little divots why would it be a fuck up if you didn't you only knew not to do it

because you did it how do you learn from mistakes if you don't make mistakes 100% you know that's what drove me insane about that girl that was the editor of Vogue

who or Teen Vogue and then she got fired because she sent some tweets when she was like 16 that yeah we all sent some tweets when she was like 16. Yeah, we all sent some dump. Oh, I would be. We all would be!

And then the women that worked under her, like, you know, colluded to fire her, and it's like, who better to run Teen Vogue than someone that made that mistake? So then they can give people advice. You know, it just like drives me nuts when someone's just like out because they made a mistake. But like, you're just like, I think it's what makes you more and more endearing. What's your main kryptonite with a guy like what's your main like i can't get v-necks oh i think well i don't know i don't know he just keeps pointing

to a screen sort of like 10 minutes okay i like that you have like a hard out we know we never do honestly do you know that we've never ever ever shot this podcast in a studio like we either shot in our own studio we'd shoot for my house, but I'm moving right now, and I could not. She was like, Whitney cannot see the house in this state. Like, we just moved in. I swear to God, there's, like, fucking cardboard cutouts hanging from the ceiling and, like, fucking shit all over the floor.

I had Pierce Hilton in my house during the pandemic when it was under construction. It was a nightmare. I regret it every day of my life. That's what I'm saying. I would regret it every day for the rest of my life If you walked in And the first thing you saw Was like my box

Full of Peppa Pig shit And I have to stop Referencing her seriously What is that? I'll give you stuff For your kid I'll teach you Wait no

It's a boy Well actually Boys can like Peppa Look Get progressive Oh my god I'm so excited I'm shocked you don't have

I have pigs I'm shocked you don't have pigs I would love a pig But they get really big, right? Yeah, they get huge. And that's, remember in LA, whenever I was like, I have a teacup pig.

Yeah. And then like a year later, everyone was getting rid of their big pigs. Yes. Shout out Logan Paul. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's when I first met Logan Paul, actually. Because I was rescuing pigs from that thing.

Yeah. And I got a bunch of them and it fucks up their legs and they get all sick and whatever. But yeah, it's like a whole home there's no such thing as a three pound pig at all I don't but I think everyone it was like a trend and then everyone had these big pigs and have to figure it out I still know a couple of people who kept the pigs and have their like Ricky Dillon still has his big pig

they're awesome they're so emotional. Ariana Grande has a pig. Who? Ariana Grande. Oh yeah. Yeah. Do you know the know the same no i thought you did what a weird i thought i did too i started it and then i forgot like pig davidson can i tell real quick i don't remember when he was dating like all these hot like famous women and everyone was like he's got a big deck he's got such a bad dad have you seen seen it? No, I've never seen it. I thought that's where you were going. I was really excited. I'm not trying to do, like, imagine if it was the other one.

Imagine if people were like, Tana's got a tiny pussy and all these famous men were just, that would be so weird. That is so crazy. It is so fucking weird. The way that it's normalized to say who's hung like a horse and who's not. Yeah, but then we also do it. I know.

Should we stop? That's not always better. No, I should stop that. No, it isn't. Like, oh great, I like do it. I know. Should we stop? That's not always better. No, I should stop that. No, it isn't. Like, oh great, I'm gonna go get a UTI from this fucking guy. Yeah, but I just think

it's weird when women do predatory shit like that and we're like, yes, girl, go. I think I did it on this fucking podcast. I need to stop. Yeah, we should stop.

You didn't do that. You didn't do that. You didn't do that at all. This was like many women that were like, hey, I have a big dick. And then it was just like they were all just like fucking him. It was like, his dad

died in 9-11, guys. Give him a... This is a lot. God love him. Seriously, yeah. Honestly, that doesn't stop. That is true. Or not. I don't know. I just thought it was wild. I just thought it was wild. We're like, Jon Hamm has a big deck. And we're just like showing pictures of... It's like, it's not tits.

It's not... Like, this is... If someone's like, look how tiny Emma Stone's pussy is look at her bathing suit yeah what are you doing when you put it that way I know oh my god let's make a pact right now no more dick talk there's no there's no I'm not because you're condemning us I'm I'm in agreeance with you like you just get like that was like I just think this is why men kill us like we, we need a big duck. Like, duck, give me that duck. Men are trash.

Do you know that Ted Bundy did this interview right before he died? I saw it on my TikTok the other day, where he was accrediting, like, so much of his objectification to women and killing them to his addiction to porn and was saying that all of the, like, serial killers, like, in his, like, where he was at, like, and so many people he, like, apparently knew, apparently they have, like, somewhere they meet i don't know um like we're accrediting it to like their obsession with porn but back then it was like magazines yeah i don't know maybe and maybe he just made that shit up and it was his last scapegoat is that why he fucked them when they died because he wanted them to be still like they were in the magazine yeah like i don't know

it's like i just want like i'm your your girl. There was... Who was it? There's a comic... Ted Bundy would fuck you awake and wouldn't know the difference. And you would be like, he's so sweet with his little knife collection. He didn't mean to fucking slit my throat. Those are your last words. I think that's a good thing. I don't know. There's also this thing where, like, I mean, a lot of women were, like, obsessed.

It is weird that he gets a new documentary every year. Like, he's still, yeah. Yeah, like, we have it run out of Ted Bundy facts. Yeah. Absolutely. David is going to be playing him next. It's also because he was, like, handsome. He was handsome.

But what he would do is he would, like, charm you. Like, he would, like, charm you. He would put on a fake cast and be like, oh, can you help me to my car? There's a great book called The Gift of Fear which you guys have to read if you haven't read it oh my god I will

right now it's all about like Whitney Cummings tells me to read a book I need to read it because I have blind trust in everybody I would like fully

like go inside someone's hand getting Love You Want read that horrible name great book I'm so paranoid though that I really wouldn't like I'd be like

fuck you and your cast yeah you're she's really good about that she won't get in an Uber by herself that's fine but you've probably had some bad

terrible experiences that's made me just so paranoid towards the whole fucking world. But I think all men are murderers. Like until I get to know you. They are. Until proven innocent. Literally 100%. I saw this TikTok that was like men should all have to start in jail and earn their way

out. Like that's. I couldn't agree more. Like, oh my God. I feel like you earned that honestly though. Do you have dogs or just pipas? You don't have any dogs? You don't have any dogs? I don't have any dogs because I can't.

Why do the hottest women I know not have dogs at their house for security? Because I'm just never ever home. I'll pick a security guard at the house over a dog for now. They sleep 20 hours a day. You can have someone like. I just want to be. I want to be a good dog parent. And I love my team so much.

Like I might as well be Paige's dog already. Okay. Like, she doesn't need to have me being like, oh, my God. Like, Smoochie just shit out everywhere. Can you help me figure it out, Paige, please? You'll train it. You're not. Ah.

I'm sorry. What? You're not. One day. Some people shouldn't be parents. I think it'll be my good prep for a kid, like, one day. And when I have the time, when I'm home, like, we're about to go on tour, all that type of shit. Okay, because y'all are touring.

I wanted to talk to you so much about, can we extend here like an Airbnb? You can. Like an Airbnb. Which one of you is the money person? See, imagine if I had a dog pages. The money person. Like, we have to rent this place out. I have such bad misophonia.

I know, I'm like, my ADD is so bad. Oh, I'm in a misophonia support group on Facebook. Really? Yeah. So you bad misophonia. I know. I'm like, my ADD is so bad. I'm in a misophonia support group on Facebook. Really? Yeah. So you have misophonia? Yeah. Well, I have like certain random triggers. Like some things don't bother me, but like... It's wild that your own nails don't bother you. I know. Well, that's why I did that. Yeah. But like my nails

bother. We went to a comedy show recently and I swear to God, this girl was like the whole time. But it wasn't that bad. It was the misophonia Acting up No What comedy show Were you texting during All of them

Go to a funnier show No yeah Who was on stage Where I was really Pauly Shore was on stage And I was like You know what I'm gonna text my fucking

Manager back right now Like come on Like he wasn't He was funny He was not Okay don't be mean He's an icon He's an icon

But if you didn't know him From him being super famous Like I can Yeah No no no He's totally an icon She doesn't know If he was funny or not

Because she was texting The whole time Oh wow No there was just a couple There was just a couple jokes And I was like Where were you At the comedy store

Where were we Why didn't you text me And ask me Were you seeing a friend We were at the store Yeah Oh yeah We ended up seeing

Andrew Santino Is that his name He's on um he's my buddy yeah he was on dave and i didn't know he did stand up until that night and he was so fucking funny he's great he was incredible do you know that should we just break this story now the heckler's bad yeah like we yeah we went with this guy and i've always thought this guy was like a very very perfect well-rounded guy for a musician but he's a great guy overall and I'd always said this about him I was like there's something about him that's never given me a Nick will collect it's never never given me anything ever something about where you've never never been he I'd never seen him fall on cobblestone and it

bothered me he could probably fallen on cobblestone i would have been like that's endearing but you're dating no no no no okay um but just this this is my headspace okay and we sit down at the comedy show oh no and i find out that this man that i heckler. He's a heckler. We were sick. And bad. And may I say, a lot of times, entertainers, when they go see entertainers, they can't handle it. And I... Like whenever...

Oh, like he needed, like, whenever famous... I should turn his way or something. When famous musicians come and see stand-up, a lot of times they have to, like, be like, we can't hear your mic and you're like we got this sir. We got it. Thank you best guy.

Like it's always like yeah. It was just the craziest thing and like I knew Tana was like grabbing my leg under the table and we were like

oh this is it. This is the thing. I think it's bad. And I needed it. I needed this man to be like humbled in my head. I needed him to be humanized. Off the pedestal.

Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. That actually couldn't be worse. I'm not man to be humbled in my head. I needed him to be humanized. Off the pedestal, yeah, yeah. Yeah, absolutely. That actually couldn't be worse. I'm not kidding. It couldn't be worse. I can't imagine something that would be less attractive to a person. You know you are entering a space where the contract is someone speaks and you're silent. You knew this.

You walked in here. You've had plenty of time to emotionally prepare for this. If you don't want to laugh, totally fine. And just where's the awareness and the regard? You're a musician. If you were having an emotional moment at your show, would you want someone to be like, fuck you, I love your pants, dude?

No. It was like that. It was that bad. It was literally like... A positive heckling? It was. It was positive heckling. But still, just shut up.

But on such a delay, too. Let's say someone made a joke and it ended with car. Six minutes later, he'd be like, ha ha, car, dude! And I would just be sitting, oh my god, I wanted to crawl into my own skin and die. I've never seen anything like it in my entire life. That's a true nightmare. It really was.

That's a true nightmare. It's like someone that has to participate and, like, be a part of the show. But also, there is... It makes me want to cry. By the way, that is... That would be... I've never been in that situation because I would normally be on stage. But if I was with you guys, I'd be like, you've got to go.

No, I have a major thing about that. Like, I don't like people even talking in movies and stuff. I ended up being the one who got kicked out that night, though. I'm going to be honest. How fun is that? She's mad at me for my little thumbs on the screen. I'm such a boner. Like, at any show, I'm always like, literally shut up.

Y'all are, like, you're the crew that's like the problem. No, we were. Well, like, anything we go to, I'm always like, please be quiet. literally shut up. You're the crew that's like the problem. No, we were. Well, like, anything we go to, I'm always like, please be quiet. I follow every rule.

I'm very like, I'm just like that. I'm talking like, no parking sign and you need to park there for two minutes and she's like bawling, you know? But we had gone to see,

what's his name, Andrew? Yeah. And I like, as he was walking off stage, I just like, took a little picture of him. They kicked me out so fast. I was literally like,

just like, I'm famous. No, but like, I've seen so much you went out there like repost like people Yeah, I'm like I didn't think it was like that strict of a rule. They kicked me out. This is at the Comedy Store Yeah, I had to talk my way back in I was like, please Yeah, it's like I mean Andrew would have kicked you out if you didn't post about him. You know what I mean? Like, literally, comics were on stage. Like, we're like, you're going to post this, right?

It's not like I was, like, filming a bit or something. I literally just, like, snapped a pic. I just, honestly, I just wanted a guy to know that I was there and, like, think, who's she there with? Maybe that's why the guy kicked you out. He's like, you need to pull it together. He knew what I was doing. You can tell I had the wrong intentions. A selfie of you looking hot with Andrew in the background.

Like, we know what this is bitch Like take it down You're so rude You're embarrassing yourself Has that ever worked? No And if it did Actually

That's not true I feel like men are Like so simple I know exactly what to post If I want each individual One to respond But then Once you get it

Have you lost respect For them in any capacity? Or Once they do Are you like Well now i know why that's kind of how i am i'm like gotcha bitch i just feel like so satisfied i'm like god you're so stupid that's yeah but then yeah then you're kind of like oh like you that like you took that bait like how can i yeah but well you know i'm almost there yeah it happens i was like that too

it happens naturally like there's a certain point where you're just kind of like you've worked too hard and you respect yourself too much that it's just like not appealing anymore you know it's like have you ever like um eaten a food so much that you just like can never look at it again yeah absolutely it kind of just like happens naturally I mean I did active like rewiring and like love addiction stuff but I also just sort of like I realized that the hottest thing to me is respect and being wanted for real and I was like oh god when I'm when you're like manipulating someone into liking you

you'll always know that that's why they're there on some level damn you know what I mean and then you're kind of like and then you're more and more insecure where you're like well where have you been because I'm only keeping you because I was able to like build this house I will never ever ever forget that it's a bummer when you're like,

did I just orchestrate all this? Like, am I just like the master? And I never think that I'm like, I orchestrated this. Yeah. That's crazy. That like made this happen.

Like, did I just like put a spell on you and just like take advantage of your way? Like, Oh God. Like, did I not earn this? There's something so wrong with me. I'm not even kidding.

The very last episode we did, I was talking about putting a spell on a guy to get him to like me. Oh my God. Maybe. You are so smart. Well, then it's like, instead of trying to make someone like you what if i go like oh what if i like myself enough to just gravitate someone that deserves i have a thing though i almost feel like it's not even like an insecurity thing because i'm like i like myself a lot but i'm like why don't you yeah it's hard i agree i agree with that there's people that like don't that order vanilla ice cream and that's all they order yeah you know hard i agree i agree with that there's people that like don't that order vanilla ice cream and that's all they order yeah you know what i mean i that's really interesting it's like

it's like and i'm not i don't mean this i've had this too where it's like a narcissistic injury where i'm like i'm like i'm the best well that not even to be that way but i'm like i am very secure i feel like i really like myself it's not like a because i get comments all the time on the podcast that are like brooke is so insecure and i'm like i'm really not but it's just confusing to me yeah because i'm like you're like who is that sexy sexy girl okay first of all that's a bit but if someone does like you are you kind of does it bore you or it's kind of repelled repelling to you kind of i don't know i love like a love bombing like i love a guy who's like really likes me yeah yeah but that never but is that like is that addiction or is it when someone's just using you as a drug that's sort of like uh when is this gonna you're right you know you are

so fucking i don't know have you ever written a book on like dating and love advice i did i wrote a book it's called i'm literally buying it right after this yeah i wrote all about a love addiction stuff eating disorder stuff all this sort of stuff. Oh, my God. Checking all my boxes. Yeah, the body dysmorphia stuff. It's called I'm Fine and Other Lies. That was, like, a couple years ago.

It came out the day of the Vegas shooting. So I was literally in hair. Putting on for my hometown. Literally. Talk about stealing attention. I was in hair and makeup in New York about to go on the Today Show, and it's, like, it was, like, 50 people. I mean, it was, like... Oh, no, on the Today Show. And it's like, it was like 50 people.

I mean, it was like. Oh, no, I know. Literally, we're like body count. We're like, okay, I'm not going to go on the Today Show. I'm like, you guys, my eating disorder. It's like, I've had a hard time with guys. So it was like, it was just you work so hard for something. And then the day it comes out, it's like something wild.

And so it was like a week, everything was down. And I'm just kind of like, I'm not going to like do another press tour. Like on my podcast, we like do little sections like about the book where we do these like quizzes that's another thing i have in the book outline like things to do on the first date with guys these like word association games like these freudian subconscious games i'm reading it tomorrow i love that we love this stuff she was just saying she does that do it like a word association game like just you can get like the standard youngian one jung it's the the psycho analysis guy and it's just like all these crazy words and you can just like the standard Jungian one, J-U-N-G. It's the psychoanalysis guy. And it's just like all these crazy words.

And you can just be like hanging out, having a couple drinks. Let's play word association. And I did it one time with this guy that I met on Riot. I already read Flag. I know. He was the one without a man bun. And it was like. The only one.

It's really benign. Damn, every guy I've met on Riot, they got a man bun. So the V-necks go so deep. And so it would be like, you know, blue, water, sex. It's just like random. It's like funny. And then I said, wife. And I was like, blah, wife.

And he just went, cunt. And I was like, oh. No. Oh, and then on another guy, it was marriage. Like, it's buried in it. You know, it's like blueberries, ocean, you know, eyeballs, da, da, da. And it was like marriage. And he was like, absolutely not. You know, it's like blueberries, ocean, you know, eyeballs, da, da, da. And it was like marriage. And he was like, absolutely not.

I remember like it was yesterday. Oh, my God. That's crazy. It's like, great. I didn't have to ask. You didn't have to lie. Like, cool. Like, that's all.

And then there's these other ones where, this other one I love, where you ask someone their favorite animal, their favorite article of clothing, their favorite body of water. And it's like, it's a really good insight into people. Oh, my God. I'm going to go buy two copies. One for you. One for me no we should literally

read it like on the plane tomorrow but I'll text you like the quiz too so you don't have to absolutely and then you guys will do my podcast soon

I was just gonna say I literally wanna talk to you for the rest of my life I could talk to her for six and a half hours I have so many questions I wanna ask you but I feel like

I don't wanna be no I could talk to you for literally hours and hours and hours like you were the best fucking human I idolized you growing up I never thought I'd live in a world where I'm like sitting here be no i i could talk to you for literally hours and hours and hours like you were the best fucking human i idolized you growing up i never thought i'd live in a world where i'm like sitting here and you're on our fucking podcast we were saying it the whole way here we're like can you believe

it like come on you're just such an idol inspiration fucking icon living i can't believe you even took the time and you're like announcing baby shit on what's like what it's i don't like i love you i mean i am I do not identify as a mother in any capacity. I am still just like trying to figure this out. Absolutely. But be careful,

like the last thing I'll say is I was with, I do like equine therapy that what's really helped me I think the most is like working with prey animals. You figure out your own energy. You figure out like

what you're needy for. You know, what your vibe you give off. Like I used to walk into rooms and be like, hey cunts. And people like, she's kind of bitchy. I'm like, I'm bitchy?

Why do people think I'm bitchy? Like, I just, like, didn't understand how I came off because I grew up in such a, like, pugnacious, like, sort of violent home. I was like that for a long time, too. And I always thought I, like, had to defend myself, you know? I was, like, bullied. I was in a lot of roughs.

So I would kind of just, like, play too much, you know? Mm-hmm. And, um, uh, oh, my God. Mom brand. Oh, my God. much you know and um uh oh my god mom brand oh my god oh i'm so i'm with my uh a gala instructor it's like equine therapy you work with horses you just cry and cry and cry because when we work with regular therapists you're like i would lie to my therapist i'm sorry like yeah i do better hope i love you but i would like find myself manipulating and trying to whatever or trying to win the who had it the worst contest etc and she said to me um i was like it's so weird that i'm pregnant she was like five years ago you told

me you're gonna get pregnant at 40 you're like at 40 i'm just gonna get pregnant and i was like i did you're right like i had such i was the vision board bitch i was the like writing list this is what's gonna happen to me at 35 this is what's gonna happen to me at 38 this is gonna happen to me at 40 and i'm the same way get and i would mean it yeah be careful and shit happens and it just like i was like oh that's right because i was like i'm not gonna think about a kid till i'm 40 as soon as i'm 40 i'm gonna have a kid whether i'm with someone whether i'm not with someone i'll adopt i'll use my eggs like whatever it is whatever the universe wants i'm not infertile you know what i mean we have so much more time than we think like people are like i had this thing in my head

like after 30 you can never I have friends getting pregnant at 44 Jada Jackson just had a kid at like 71 Courtney Kardashian's pregnant at 44

she's 44 wow that's wild so it's like if you can freeze your eggs great you know not everybody can but freezing my eggs

really helped me not settle earlier like I would just be like nah like I'm not like the sense of security we should freeze our eggs it'd be a funny vlog at least.

Yeah, dude, it's hilarious. Dude, dude. I think about selling mine sometimes. Yeah, and then, why? Are we too hard up on cash? No, honestly, you're just. You're going on tour. No, it's so true.

Take that money, don't freeze it. By the way, when you freeze your eggs, you have to take the syringe with you. Like I had to go on tour, you put it in a cooler bag, it's like a whole thing. You have to like shoot yourself up. I have friends who have done it like a billion times. It sold embryos?

She sold her eggs. Oh, sorry. It sold eggs. But I don't know. It just seems like a giving thing to do. Like somebody can't have a baby. Now that there's 23andMe, it doesn't feel like the cash grab it used to be. Yeah, that's true.

I feel like it's just more like, oh, some people can't have kids. But okay, adopt. That's cool. That's cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's like I have them. I might never use them. But just knowing I had them made me not like settle for like, you know, Ed Hardy bedazzled

shirt guy. You know what I mean? Still working on it. Tattoo that says breathe guy. Oh my God. They're the worst. And they always have a palm tree somewhere too. And there's always the circle around the arm that means nothing.

Why did you need that? Like just draw it on. What? You have barbed wire on your ankle? Like what was this? Yeah. And there's always lover somewhere. You have tattoos. And they're all terrible are they oh my god yeah well not all of them i'm lasering young as fuck

off my ass right now that bella thorne wrote when we were dating and i got when i was like my son was at my party remember me was that we went together oh he went with you what didn't realize that you were near each other during the party really not real well i mean honestly i feel like i would see you and i would just like run away from him like just so that you didn't like put it together because i remember being like are they gonna say like should i know and i was like i'm not gonna micromanage i'm not gonna caretake because i like didn't put it together because his sister had told me or something about like and i was like oh yeah and i didn't it didn't cross my mind and then I was there and I'm like always

like the people pleaser wanted to make sure nobody we drove together so what yeah we all came it was yeah because then he's over the axe throwing and then you were I don't know with the chickens or some shit so I was just kind of like may lack chickens I was like maybe they won't run into each other you know not that I know anything about what actually. Yeah. No, we were bopping around together. We're super cool now. Oh, bopping.

Super bopping. Because I remember being like, do I need to let her know? And then I'm like, this is not, they're adults. Yeah. No, yeah. Cute. We were super adults about it. He's a sweetie. He really is.

He loves you so much. I did his movie with Machine Gun. Do you know that that was shot in my old house? And I swear to God, at the time, I had just broken up with Maude. And I was like, this is such a fucking dick of me. Why the fuck are you shooting a fucking movie in my old fucking house? I was feral. I had to watch the movie.

Why is Megan Fox walking around in my house in a bikini? You'd be like, fuck off! I was so pissed. And Whitney Cummings in the goddamn movie knows I love you. I was like, you fucking, oh my God, whatever. I watched the entire movie. You were amazing in it. I was watching it out of anger towards Maude at the time

because we had just broken up. But then I was like, Whitney's so funny. You were so funny in it. Oh watching it out of anger towards Maude at the time because we had just broken up but then I was like Whitney's so funny you were so funny you carried that and then there was something about you guys' tour that we let's talk about

and I don't remember what it was but if you want to talk about your tour I mean we just have tour dates coming soon and to be honest we were gonna

delve into a whole thing where we wanted your advice on the show but I just feel like at this point let's do it on your podcast oh perfect perfect I love that

I don't want to like first of all my lash is coming off my pussy sweating like you know what I mean I mean I am fully he's gonna charge us $700 my water is broken

I have given birth and I just love you I love you let's go we'll do this we'll pick this up another time I worship the ground you walk on thanks everyone

we love you thank you so much