Cancelled with Tana Mongeau & Brooke Schofield - 70: GETTING REVENGE ON OUR EXES WITH HANNAH BERNER - Ep. 70

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hello and welcome back to the cancelled podcast. Hannah! I love coming here on your little frat couch. This couch has seen so much, Hannah. I was just telling her she has like kind of sway boy energy about like with this house. We asked her, me and Trevor were like, how many bedrooms does it have? And she goes, um, we were like, what do you mean? She sleeps right here.

Starting point is 00:00:22 This is a better sleep than most beds. I'll tell you that right now. It's a good sleeper couch. It's definitely seen its day. I saw photos of this house the other day. I was looking at it on Zillow and I was looking at the stage. As one does. I don't know.

Starting point is 00:00:37 I'm going to rip Zillow obsession. I fucking love Zillow. Fuck TikTok. Zillow is my shit. Fuck Pornhub, dude. I go on there just to look at what I hopefully can buy. Zillow and Petfinder. Zillow is my shit. Fuck Pornhub, dude. I go on there just to like look at what I hopefully can buy eventually. Zillow and Petfinder, I'm scrolling. Absolutely.

Starting point is 00:00:49 All day long and I'm waiting for one to speak to me. I'm not kidding. That's how I found Murphy. I was on there and one day I saw her and I was like, that's my cat. That's my cat. And I literally sent so many additional emails. Like I applied for her, but then I sent like email after email to Sue. Okay. I was like, Sue, this is my cat. Please. I swear to God, I will do anything for this cat.

Starting point is 00:01:06 And you got Mark. And I got her. And she said, you know what? She said, I was almost going to keep her. But she was like, you were so persistent. Manifestation queen. I've been doing that with like houses in Arlington, Texas. I don't know what the fuck.

Starting point is 00:01:17 I didn't go to bed until 4 a.m. last night. I was in Arlington, Texas. And then you start fighting with your friend, like if it's a good enough house for you. And it's like, this is $5 million. But I don't like what they did with the drapes here like i love when it's eight million dollars and you're like i can't do that kitchen not for me sometimes rich people are just the worst i think if you are always looking at inspirational things like it does become your reality i swear that's manifestation for me i like literally same thing with um i feel that way about spending money like if i spend money like that i don't necessarily have it's like inviting

Starting point is 00:01:49 new money in oh whoa honestly that's money manifestation it is the most la shit i've ever heard because i'm because i'm behaving like a rich person when i'm not and then i'm like okay well any day now i think i do that but i'm definitely gonna end up in a tent i think it's so easy to go bankrupt. It really. No one talks about that. People don't talk about it enough. I don't. People don't.

Starting point is 00:02:08 I don't. I don't even want to think about it, to be honest. I could see that happening to me. I'd like to get rich before losing it all. But I think it'd be motivation. I feel like going bankrupt is iconic because it means that you were rich. Yeah. See, I don't know if I have to even.

Starting point is 00:02:20 That's not my struggle. It's not my. It's not my journey. Yet. But the more i spend can we just like suck the fart out of your ass for 2.2 seconds i literally just farted which is crazy that's oh my god i love you you're so comfortable around us thank you i also just love formalizing talking about farting and just farting and stuff and i think that is what i love about you that's intimacy like looking a girl in the eye and being like i just farted and then she goes thank you

Starting point is 00:02:45 and then that's girlhood and we're together this is beautiful i just farted on your beautiful couch because i feel comfortable here i feel safe i can start crying that's the most beautiful thing anyone's ever said she was the nicest thing ever i wish my mom said that to me once never did definitely at all at all but this is the third podcast you were going on today. No. Four. Fourth. What was the fourth one?

Starting point is 00:03:09 Which one are we missing? I did hot takes earlier. It's like about Reddit. Am I the asshole? And we go through our people assholes on Reddit. Oh, I love am I the asshole on Reddit. It's like a subreddit. I'm not allowed on Reddit, but she reads it to me.

Starting point is 00:03:23 And then I give opinions. I need like serious parental controls, especially on the tour. I think I'm going to need like, I don't know how to regulate that though. It's a drug and you have to get off it. It's crack and I'm predisposed. Yeah, you can't. I'm not allowed. She's in the rabbit hole.

Starting point is 00:03:38 You've been lately. I feel like this might be the height of your Reddit. I had like a full blown, like, like shameless relapse where I'm just like, I'm not even pretending I'm not on it. and i'm commenting back to people her account is like okay job something something and she comments back she comments back she goes she signs it brook xo not everything she says they know they know i think that to an extent it can be a tool i just get worried about getting lost in the sauce yeah yeah i don't know i keep telling myself too i'm gonna stop talking about it and i like for some reason it's just always at the top

Starting point is 00:04:09 of my brain because you do feel alive but then you also want to die yeah it's so that's the that's just kind of really good sometimes and then it ruins your life yeah for sure but anyway i think But anyway, I think I also just am really bad about like, like seeing so much misinformation. Like I would go down the rabbit hole of wanting to like, I got on Reddit the other day and I like, I was just like, this isn't true. This isn't true. This isn't true. And then it's like, and the way people foresee our relationship is insane. They think we are not friends that we hate each other. And like, or like one little thing where it's like, I can't believe they,

Starting point is 00:04:44 so-and-so did this to so-and-so. And it's so and it's like dude like it's really scary I made a TikTok about this last night but I'm having like a true identity crisis about it because I know for a fact I'm perceived in a way that it's like literally imaginary not real like the whole like clean girl like responsible I'm like nobody who knows me thinks that about me. I wish. So I'm starting to feel like weird about everything. I also just, it's like you and I became best friends before the podcast ever happened. Yeah, we don't hate each other. And for me, no, but not even just that.

Starting point is 00:05:15 It's like for us to become best friends off camera, we've got to be a little bit alike. Like we've got to have common interests. We've got like, you've got to be down with more of the shit. i was snorting latin no i'm just kidding you post these raw youtube videos like it's two people who don't fuck with each other you can't make it through an hour like at some point you could tell that person's like oh my also if you're not fighting at all you're fucking fake 100 if you're not giving a calling a person out you're like yeah you're not close enough

Starting point is 00:05:45 but yeah you guys have amazing chemistry do people accuse you and page of hating each other ever no well you guys like really don't have the same dynamic on reality tv where like the storylines looked like we weren't there whatever but part of friendships is like you're you have moments where the friendship gets tested and then you see like how like i think you guys are stronger because you fight and then you get over it we keep leveling up a bit honestly every fight has brought us like up like a level in closeness and so much shit yeah female friendship's so great because i mean you can fuck each other but like you don't want to fuck each other and you're choosing to hang out that's the ultimate compliment that's so true right true

Starting point is 00:06:25 we could fuck you could we don't but you know maybe if tour gets really boring i'm so down for like a cincinnati scissor are you guys gonna fuck on the road we were just talking about this she was saying because she's bringing her boyfriend and i personally don't have one we're bringing murphy i'm recruiting i kind of love a different guy in each state in a different area code you go on a date with i don't know i've had a i would i don't know about that vibe for me hinge it up on the road do you bring your husband when you tour do you bring a husband do you bring a husband it's so funny we're talking about this weird we were talking about this the other day that like what did you say exactly to her well just the fact that like you have a husband but really like no

Starting point is 00:07:07 one ever talks about it page was like you don't have a husband we just don't like hate it like someone's like your husband you're like ew why would you say that because like i see you talk about things and you'll be like when a guy does this when a guy does this and i forget like you're fully just like actually married because i was 29 single pre-COVID doing all my like dating jokes. You're not 29 right now. I mean, mentally I am. But then COVID hit and I got married. I got engaged so quick. It all happened so quick that I was like my still my own messy self who happened to be married.

Starting point is 00:07:37 But the truth is you're just the same person. You just have like a legal document. And you still have all the same. Like, I think it's fun because you still have all the fun dating stories. Also, I want to live vicariously through girls still dating and also people think because i'm married i know shit and i'm like i don't know i do think you know shit i'm like let me explain love like this is the rules i don't know shit i think i think you did the right thing with an older man too i think that's my my vibes right now yeah he's exhausted

Starting point is 00:08:01 he's so tight the life in his eyes is just like draining and i'm like this to me the other day like it's something like that and there was like joy in your eyes and i was like she's a fucking murderer like you think we're getting into fights he gets tired two minutes in he's like whatever you want oh my god see that's smart god you're brilliant my boyfriend is like so agile like that that's not that's not the vibes he also i think it's me at this point i'm like whatever you want you've lived so many lives mama needs to work okay whatever you need just talk to my people i'm not kidding that's actually the dynamic i think of mine and mccall's relationship i like you kind of gave me like cigarette mom you know when they were like doing the thing on tiktok about like cigarette moms do

Starting point is 00:08:47 you think you'll be a cigarette mom absolutely even if i don't have the cigarette i'm gonna have the thin brows and just disdain hell yeah on lock for sure do you want kids do it oh i'm i'm honestly not sure because i realized that like you don't have to have kids yeah you really don't like that's a crazy realization and dolly parton is uh like my religion yeah me too so it's like and she has a great relationship very happy i know in quiet another one where she is like she's married and you just don't know it's so hot it's you know she's been with her husband for literally like 50 years or something like maybe more yeah she's like protecting and like no one's ever even seen him before like literally it's like blanket jackson you know there's like rumors like i don't know if this is true but like people say

Starting point is 00:09:34 like dolly parton without she'll just go out without all her get up and no one has any idea who she is she's like she has full sleeves she's like tattoos yes no yes um if i saw dolly parton no makeup sleeved up like cigarette dive bar but you wouldn't know or she'll like go through the drive-thru and like you wouldn't know because like without all her i watched her documentary and i fell in love with her me too oh my god is it insane you'll cry on pet finder murphy's description description we're referencing pet finder as wikipedia her i'm not kidding because i have a dolly parton shrine in my house like literally like i had a big huge my old apartment as you should her um description said if she were a celebrity she would be dolly parton and that's

Starting point is 00:10:14 why i literally i said sue i said sue dolly's everywhere my cat um has like a little thing on her lip so i said she looks like cindy crawford that's cindy crawford was prettier do you remember when she's not doing so good so beautiful do you remember when cindy crawford was on all those infomercials for like all of the skincare products for like 10 years bitch get that bag there's something i think that is just i'll always love like a beautiful woman like endorsing you know what i mean like something she does not use and did not need like as long as it doesn't have to touch my skin i'll endorse it absolutely get that fucking shit

Starting point is 00:10:56 but it is like 23 year old influencers being like this serum has transformed my skin and i'm like your skin has barely seen the weather what are you talking about what are your thoughts on the new like 12 year old drunk elephant girls oh my god this i love a sassy little bitch i do but like the fact that it's always on the internet it just makes me so scared at a young age like remember those facebook videos you would leave on your friends walls uh-huh like that's for that to be around that would be insane yeah and that's just how people can track that like that girl's gonna apply for a job one day yeah and are her parents or she'll just be a huge fucking influencer and

Starting point is 00:11:34 never have to have a job ever yeah those are the most dangerous people but all of them all of them would bully the fuck out of me i know that i'm fucking terrified yeah i'm sucking in every time i walk past a 13 year old. She pushed me into a locker. That is the vibes for sure. I was really, we talked about this a little bit, but I was really against the whole like, you know, retinol serum on a 13 year old and like that whole obsession. And the internet of it all does scare me.

Starting point is 00:11:58 Like I'm always wanting something new and all this, the beauty standards and blah, blah, blah. But when I was 13, I was like, you know. Oh, i had different i was behind a chili's like i hate when you talk about 13 year old you sucking dick i don't think i was actually sucking dick at 13 okay it's it's more of a mindset it's a metaphor it's just a vibe no also like chili's is just such a funny word to say airport chilis you were sucking dick behind airport chilis is next level fucked up airport

Starting point is 00:12:31 chilis might be my heaven on earth airport chilis is your rock bottom i'm starving i couldn't disagree more like i'm not everything else is rock bottom in comparison to airport the only joy you've ever had was at an airport Chili's. You know what's crazy? Growing up, I thought that like, I truly thought Chili's was like fine dining. No, I'm not kidding at all. Like if we got to go to Chili's, that was like, I agree. I was like, oh my God, my family goes to dinner.

Starting point is 00:12:56 But now I'm choosing Chili's over fine dining. I thought a guy was my soulmate for a year to be at a Chili's statue. Behind fucking Cheesecake Factory. If you could only eat at one restaurant for the rest of your life, what would you choose? A Mexican restaurant. That's not a restaurant.'s that's a genre that's a culture um no like a hole-in-the-wall mexican restaurant like any of them okay that has like enchadas. You are not destined for a long life. Anyway. What's yours?

Starting point is 00:13:28 I feel like you want me to ask. I want you to ask so bad. That's exactly. First of all, the only time I ever ask a question is because I want to be asked myself. She said that. She goes, anyone? She's cake factory. They have the most versatile menu that has ever existed. You could order literally just grilled chicken and fucking collard greens they put calories next to it they do i don't fuck with that they do but why

Starting point is 00:13:48 would you have to look at the menu you can order anything you could possibly think of off the top of your head it's like it's a small world kind of how you go through all the cultures you do it's it is that's exactly what it is i do think putting the calories by shit is like homophobic should be illegal it's like gaslighting it's gatekeeping girl bossing it's triggering i feel like you tell me lavato when she walked into that yogurt shop dude that was that shit was so crazy it was it was an intense time for everyone for them i get where she was coming from to be honest just like whenever there's a small business involved leave them alone is my rule yeah that's such a good fucking rule like if there's a small

Starting point is 00:14:24 you support small businesses regardless they can you walk in and they punch you in the face and you go i fucking support women in the arts even though women know women work here i love small they burn your fucking you burn the place to the ground because you love the small businesses i agree with that 100 absolutely i i need to keep that in the forefront of my mind because i could just see me getting like rogue even on tour. You know what I mean? I'm just having a bad day. I'm in a weird waffle shop. Why did I say waffle shop? There's not such thing as waffle shops.

Starting point is 00:14:51 I'm tired. We're so fucking tired. But I'm so excited for your tour because this like. You're like thinking as you go you're like I'm so excited for your tour because. She's got her brain on. No I'm so excited because I feel like this wasn't your plan initially and it was like i don't know how this happened like i don't know how this

Starting point is 00:15:09 happened wait i love a natural like you found yourself like i never wanted to be a stand-up comedian i just found myself there one day i love that about you but that's what i like you guys naturally are performers and you did it in a lot of different forms also like your tiktok performance is like right now absolutely and like who can talk to the camera that long and keep people's attention i have to go over a minute or i'm not making any money oh is that why sometimes i'll have to like milk and if i'm at 48 seconds i'm like fuck i have to start over you know you're writing slower you're writing an essay and you have to hit like a thousand words or like the discussion post where i'm like, I loved what you said. Yeah, literally exactly like that.

Starting point is 00:15:48 Trisha Paytas really put me onto that. Like she was like, you gotta go over a minute. Like that's where the big bucks are at. And now I'll get a TikTok of hers on my For You page and she'll start it with like 20 seconds of silence. And I'm like, you go girl. I watched it all. But I will never ever ever scroll past

Starting point is 00:16:04 something that she posts. Do you know I've never met Trish? Oh, she would love you. Hannah Burner and Trisha Paytas would feed every... That's girlhood. That's girlhood. But you know what? It's not meant to be yet.

Starting point is 00:16:15 I haven't hit that realm yet. And I don't... You know? Trisha Paytas is like ayahuasca. Like, you don't go looking for it. It's like when it comes to you, that's like... Do you know what I mean? Wait, have you done ayahuasca? Fuck don't go looking for it it's like when it like when it comes to you that's like do you know what i mean wait have you done ayahuasca fuck no i'm not dude my chiropractor this is the most la story i'm kidding i was on my chiropractor the other day and he's like cracking me he also cracks beyonce which is just so funny like his realm of clients he was telling me about

Starting point is 00:16:41 you know what bae's spine was doing and then he's cracking me and he was telling me about you know what bae's spine was doing and then he's cracking me and he was telling me he's lying remind me i have a story about that you should see bae's a3 wait i love chiropractory actually so much it's weirdly sexual it kind of turns me on i'm not gonna hold you not my we're good no it's a release but he was telling me on i'm not gonna hold you not my we're good no it's a release but he was telling me about how he was in an ayahuasca experience and everyone around him started puking and shitting themselves yep and eating it because they wanted the ayahuasca to go back in their body oh i don't like that. No. I know. Yeah. That's culty.

Starting point is 00:17:28 We have a friend who, sorry, who dated a girl who did ayahuasca. And then now like literally people go looking for her and find her in like the middle of the alley. Like waving sticks. I'm not stable enough for ayahuasca. Not kidding at all. And she was brilliant. She was like a biochem major. She was my, I was her assistant in my sorority. When I was younger, one of my older cool friends told me a story about taking acid and how

Starting point is 00:17:46 it like repeats on her. Like every now and then she's like back in the trip. Oh yeah, can't you like crack your back and all of a sudden you're tripping again? I got so scared by that. I'm like, I'm not smoking a cigarette. I don't take any drugs. Like I took, you know what my ayahuasca is? Melatonin.

Starting point is 00:18:00 That shit is my ayahuasca. I can't even take it. I got fucked up on melatonin. I feel like I have to crawl out of my skin if I take melatonin they just like give it away melatonin dreams yeah uh-uh uh-uh i see my dead grandma frequently in my melatonin dream i always see my dead grandpa in your dream my grandpa lives in my dream every night my grandpa's in my dream and he's my best friend and i love him i like that was the saddest thing i've heard in so long it's okay do you have people who've passed a plenty she was no one cares no one's like checking in not taking their time i'm in a nightmare i get all weird and existential maybe you just don't remember your dreams oh i

Starting point is 00:18:41 remember them so vividly i can't take i'm trying to get you out of this i'm i'm melatonin's too um i've moved on to bigger and better things no i'm like not over my grandpa's death if we're being honest podcast four of the day you're like yo i'm running out of topics can we talk about my dead grandpa yeah no but then my husband who you're like confusing me i'm like wait not to brag but both his parents are dead so i can't complain about my grandpa being dead because he goes oh but you have both your parents why don't you stop being so selfish and i'm like does he actually had a relationship just like that except they were like joking like my grandpa used to love tea like he always want to drink tea and i saw tea and i was like reminds me of my grandpa and he goes at least your parents are alive and i'm like i just want

Starting point is 00:19:28 a fucking moment for my grandpa clinton that did happen that did happen to her or both his parents no but he was pretending they were oh my god you know the story anyway well i'm really sorry about your good grandpa. I hope you never need to cleanse it again. You know what? You can talk to me about it. Yeah. I'm happy to listen to you anytime. My parents are alive. Do you think your grandma's watching you? Can I say something horrible?

Starting point is 00:19:53 Do you ever, like, I have flashes of dead people I know whenever I'm masturbating. Wait. And wait, I'm not kidding because if they are watching. Can I say something? Same. It's so scary. Wait, I'm not kidding because if they are watching can i say something same it's so wait i'm not kidding this is serious and i don't know why no one's taking me seriously because i think about it i'm not kidding i won't do it without something covering me because if i'm if someone if somebody is watching over me all they can see is my face wait so you masturbate undercovers yeah well like yeah like with a

Starting point is 00:20:25 flashlight well like my face can be out but like that's all they're saying but you pretend you're not masturbating yeah i'm like i'm conscious of the faces i'm making because i do that sometimes grandma could be there i do that i'm not kidding i'm serious i'm not joking like i feel really seen in her i think i believe in mediums i believe in ghosts and stuff so i'm like if i what if she wants to check in on me she shows up in my room and she's like, oh, God. But what about having sex? That's a performance art. I'm like, that's woman in the arts.

Starting point is 00:20:53 And one and two and three. Not kidding. Sex sometimes can feel like an eight count. You know what I mean? Yeah, for sure. Yeah, I get that. I feel like you have a whole bit on that, don't you? Oh, I do.

Starting point is 00:21:03 I do. Five, six, seven, eight. And how riding, like, I have a whole bit on that don't you oh i do i do it five six seven and one riding like i have a whole thing about the rhythm and how to me oh when you both get like off you're both off or she said when like you're both accidentally going the same way and nothing's even entering in you for like three seconds three minutes and you're just like that is so good and then you could potentially snap his dick if things go awry i love that you looked the only man in the room dead in the eye when you said that.

Starting point is 00:21:26 That was so fucked up that I did that. I actually was looking at the camera and he happened to be there, but we're connected on that. Can I ask him a question? Am I allowed to talk to the man? Yes, you are. Is he allowed to speak?

Starting point is 00:21:37 I keep him in a cage. He has a mic and everything. What are dicks made out of? I think it's just like blood and tissue, right? Something like that. I think that's accurate i asked a guy last night and he said meat and i i gagged on stage i don't like thinking about the fact that we are literally made of meat army hammer um was he really a fucking cannibal yeah

Starting point is 00:21:59 i think i don't know i heard he chews tampons he chews tampons I don't know I've had a long day I feel like I would sell my tampons for money if things went awry I think I agree with that fully do you ever take out a tampon oh no I don't like and you're like yes it was funny yeah and it and I agree with whatever you're about to say and you're just kind of like good job when it's it's intact and you're just like that's a solid one it's like fully full but it's kind of like pretty red and you're like damn i did a good job with that one no i'm 10 out of 10 i'm like when you take out a tampon and there's barely any blood and it's coming out and it feels like

Starting point is 00:22:42 you know and then you're like that was a bad job do you ever put your tampon and there's barely any blood and it's coming out and it feels like you know and then you're like that was a bad job do you ever put your tampon in slightly at the wrong angle and it just ruins your entire day the entire day and what are you gonna do pull it out i did that for three years of my life i think oh my god you know that i used to think you were supposed to leave the applicator in that's sadder than whatever you said earlier that shit was fucked up um i'm not kidding i'm actually not kidding i remember when i very first started my period and i was getting tampons i was just putting them in wrong but i so then you know how you like when you put it in wrong but i thought that i just had the heaviest flow and the

Starting point is 00:23:14 widest set vagina money could buy so i kept going up in sizes so i kept going up in sizes until i was like ultra but i was like a virgin and i like. And then maybe that's why when I lost my virginity. It didn't hurt. And I'm still talking. Please stop me anyway now. That's because you were dilating. I used pads until. Why do I feel like we're just going around.

Starting point is 00:23:37 Are we going to want to cut this whole thing? We're like let's see who has the most fucked up story. No I used pads until I was was 18 because my mom told me to i honestly i get behind that i don't like i think it was like a thing from like moms they use pads and then i was in college one day and i got my period freshman year and i was like does that don't have a pad and they were like and then my friend was like we have a tampon and i was like and she was like do you need me to do we have a tampon and i was like and she was like do you need me to do it and it's probably better for you tampons are like so bad for you

Starting point is 00:24:10 but i know someone who got toxic shock and lost her pad is dehumanizing to me i'm sorry plural she lost her what legs from toxic shock it happens they have to amputate is it because she left it in too long she like i she started feeling sick and then literally like someone found her like days later and she was like. You really have to keep on talking there. I'm sorry for the demo. But yeah, she had to have to amputate her legs. I don't really actually know what the middle steps were.

Starting point is 00:24:41 How's she doing now? She's a spokeswoman. She is. She really is. She says no tamponsons i'm a free bleeder personally not always well i do that thing where like after three days i'm like we're good the same thing i was saying like it's like i can manifest it ending and i really think it works yeah it's like when it's raining outside and you don't want to use the umbrella and you're just like can you stop i'm just not gonna use an umbrella so it stops 100 It doesn't work. Yeah blood on the ankles but like

Starting point is 00:25:08 I'm not putting in a tampon after day three and that's just why does blood on the ankles sound like a fucking like Post Malone album? I kind of like it. You heard it here first. That should be your next. Oh I'm like very invested in your music career. That's so fucking unfortunate for me. That should be your next like if you had

Starting point is 00:25:23 like an Olivia Rodrigo moment where you're like. of you to assume blood on your ankles i can't sing i think you slay it no nobody you have a good voice i think we all don't sing if i could undo one thing from my now there's so many actual other things i should probably so one of the things love it that's my favorite thing about all our our tour announcements now is everyone's using her songs on it. So when I repost it, it's like, without you. Who fucking said something to make you feel less than about that? Are you deaf?

Starting point is 00:25:56 The music, Hannah. I don't know if I've listened to it. No, I'm just kidding. I thought it was so... You were young and it was a cool, fun thing to do. Hefner Slays. I think it was a fun time that's a oh you're gonna have you heard it yes I wish I did like weird porn like at this point

Starting point is 00:26:12 other than music like I it just wasn't it just wasn't for me I wanted a bag and I chased that bag and it oh so someone kind of pushed you into it to make money I kind of saw this was I started Britney Spears of youtube yeah i've been like in a conservatorship um i it was during the time of the youtube there was a youtube diss track era where everyone was doing that oh i remember so then i entered that and then just kept doing it because i like saw the success of it and it's just you just you just can't undo it i don't know i did reality tv we can't judge what did you do on reality television oh no i just was on bravo like you want to try different ways to like entertain and then sometimes you're like i i feel uncomfy or like i don't think people what was the show

Starting point is 00:26:56 it was called summer house i'm educated it's okay i'm a real fan no i like prefer when people don't me watch it yeah but also like i'm gonna watch it all i do like reality tv i did like reality tv but i don't i did i also had a reality tv stint and it's not for me i i think that once you produce your own content and you're so right you're like liberated in that you don't ever want to have someone else also i do have a producer mind where i'm very yeah i'm like let's make this a good show let's make this fun what do you need and then you're not focusing on like how people can fuck you yeah and they will every time and if you're an outgoing woman and you talk enough they have so much to use in so many directions they can go with whatever you've said yeah it's so easy like in 30 minutes

Starting point is 00:27:37 how many sarcastic jokes am i gonna make that can be just delivered as real exactly i've talked about this like a lot on the i've talked about this like a lot on the, I've talked about this just a lot, but on my MTV show, they would often use shit. I would say on the mic, but like in the bathroom during the cutaway. So it would be like a drone shot. The back of my head said so much shit.

Starting point is 00:27:56 It was crazy. And some of it were wild lines that I'd send months later. Yeah. I didn't know there was a context to. Yeah. And you just, you don't think it's drama. And then you're getting all this drama for a wild line. You sent in a bathroom 10 months later. later yeah i didn't know there was a context to yeah and you just you don't think it's drama and

Starting point is 00:28:05 then you're getting all this drama for a wild line you sent in a bathroom 10 months later during edits they're like can you say fuck this and then they put it after like abortion so dumb yeah and then you're like this is awesome this is sick they once had me send like a where's someone like asking where someone is because he was he came late to the house and then they played it 100 times in one episode and everyone's like hannah's obsessed with him shut up i was gonna say he was dead because so but like i didn't even flirt with the guy and then twitter was all like hannah's obsessed with him like why would they say that and then i watched it and i was like you dumb bitch that's evil you dumb little and then he was like a breakdown because of it and

Starting point is 00:28:41 if you keep shooting reality shows then you're like mentally unhinged and then they like it's it's such a well then you get stuck yeah yeah but that's why honestly tiktok saved my life and zillow because tiktok i was able to just i was i just wanted to create content that was myself and if people hated it i was like fine but the algorithm's so fun like it finds people that like fuck with you yeah i would say it's like the girls who laugh really loud and don't care oh that's like who i want to fuck with that was so sweet it is sweet tiktok is my favorite platform i mean absolutely you're both like my entire fyp so i feel like i'm hanging out with you all the time i'm so sorry it's so nice i mean it's both contrasting energy she's always like in

Starting point is 00:29:19 a plain room yeah i just sit in my bed all day long done where my makeup is not done you're in the middle of the ocean somewhere hair extension on my face in a private jet somewhere it's it together it's honestly it's perfect thank you i'm obsessed with your tiktok i don't know if i've ever actually told you this but i watch every single one i i like i wanted to do a deep dive on your tiktok on the podcast i don't think go through every single one and make her watch it and be like, what was the motive behind this? But you just have so many good takes on there that I think we should delve deeper into. Can we go back to masturbation for a second?

Starting point is 00:29:55 I need to get something off my chest. I was about to do that, too. Sometimes you ever feel like you need to masturbate, but you don't want to. Yeah. Yeah. Like it's like an itch. Like an itch you don't want to scratch. And i always i like feel like that more often than not like i'm not like so turned on that i like need to it's just more like oh my god okay it's like you need to work out so

Starting point is 00:30:13 you can like go on with your day yeah or it's like an everything shower you know like you can only put it off for so long and then you like you have to do it i do think we're better people when we masturbate we don't go too long without it. Yeah. Sometimes I get scared because you know how like sometimes when you do like certain drugs or something, I know you don't do any drugs, but well, neither do I. I mean, I have other bad habits. You can have like too much like serotonin or whatever it is and then you like borrow it. And then after that, you're like super depressed.

Starting point is 00:30:40 I feel like if you masturbate too much, you're going to be depressed after. And you're like walking with a limp the next day yeah no i need to finish my thought though oh so frequently i don't masturbate to like porn i just will like answer my emails see that's where something bad can happen on tiktok but then i'll get like an alex earl video and i'm like this is weird i'm not masturbating to alex earl that's not consistent you can get a weird kink doing that because you'll see something and then the only way you're able to come is like when your accountant sends you like a w9 like something bad could happen with that yeah the wrong wind or just like to a show you don't want to get too you're saying you don't want to get so turned on that it becomes like a whole shebang you just

Starting point is 00:31:18 sometimes it's like yeah like i am and then that's like fun and whatever but sometimes it's just like i feel like you're my vagina. Like the alarms going on. Sometimes I just have to like turn the alarm off. I think it's like an OCD thing, but sometimes I have trouble stopping. Do you ever like, cause you could have multiple orgasms and you're just like, Oh yeah.

Starting point is 00:31:34 Do we just want to keep going? Run this back. I agree with that. Cause you can keep going as long as you, cause it's, it's like, it's, you know,

Starting point is 00:31:42 it's excited. And then sometimes I'm like, what are we doing? I just came 30 times. No, I's excited. And then sometimes I'm like, what are we doing? I just came 30 times. No, I get that. And you don't even want to come anymore. You're just like, I can though. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:31:53 But I think that's comforting. I should probably talk to a therapist about that. I guess. That's why I struggle with therapies. Like, I would just simply never say that to a therapist. I would get too scared. You're the page. Page.

Starting point is 00:32:04 She says she doesn't, but I know she lies to a therapist. Oh, I 100% do. And then I i'm like i'm wasting all my money where i will like i will say so i will i will say everything because i'm like let's make this productive therapist can't tell anyone so i'm i know but i do like for some reason it's just like it's crazy because it's like i'm right now i'm talking about it and like you know people are like, God forbid, I tell one lady who's sitting in an office. I've never had like a really profound therapist, though. I've had the worst therapist. I like cycled through so many when I was like in my little episode. There's so many bad therapists out there.

Starting point is 00:32:35 One therapist literally told me, she goes, I think you just need to get a new boyfriend. I was like, well, that's how I got here. So yeah, I think I do. I told my therapist literally for like weeks like all about my childhood and she looks me dead in the fucking face this and she tells me I feel like you just need to hug your inner child no shit Sharon this isn't a Pinterest board yeah it was just it was so like that was actually genuinely her only takeaway yeah to me and I was like who licensed you also as someone who I like ruminate a lot sometimes i don't need to continue talking

Starting point is 00:33:05 about the issue i actually have to like like go for a hot girl walk like that's better than me yeah i need to put you to rest and i do you need to talk about stuff like i'll do something for three months and then i stopped therapy for a bit because i was like i don't need to repeat this shit yeah like you're not even thinking about it but now all of a sudden you're in therapy and i sit down and then like it's a couple hundred dollars, so you're like, fuck, I need to. And then you're like creating problems where there aren't problems. Well, now I need therapy because I'm broke because I'm doing therapy. But you're getting those TikToks out.

Starting point is 00:33:34 That's true. That helps. She has a 10 minute TikTok. It's just like. I'm like, so? But you're so right. It is a cycle. Like I at one point was just talking to my therapist about how i'm too busy and i don't say no to things and i'm like i literally don't have time like i'm stressed

Starting point is 00:33:48 because i should be doing work right now and i have to do this therapy session and then i was like she's like you have to have boundaries with people and i'm like okay i think we should stop these and she was like no and i had this weird like is this is she testing me yeah but i was literally needed therapy because i was stressed that enough time and therapy was taking up all my time. Yeah. That's how I like started to feel after a while. I did.

Starting point is 00:34:11 Well, it's because I didn't feel like I was making progress. I would be down for a take of all my time if I felt like I was true. Learning profound shit. Dude, definitely need waves of it. Chelsea Handler wrote this book. I love it. It would be the death of me. I love it.

Starting point is 00:34:23 I love it. It's the only book I've ever read. It's it was so good and the entire book is about her sessions with her psychiatrist and i was like i need this person i need this psychiatrist whatever and i go to reach out to him and chelsea heller made him so famous now that he's just doing seminars and i'm like god damn it that was the most la shit though to be like i'm reaching out to that guy he probably lives like a couple blocks away or it's like jonah hill he out to that guy. He probably lives like a couple blocks away. Or it's like Jonah Hill. He came out with that thing with the therapist.

Starting point is 00:34:48 Yeah, that was crazy. And everyone was crazy about it. And then like two months later, everyone's like, Jonah Hill's a monster. Yeah, and he probably needs a better therapist even, honestly. I don't think you should be buddies with your therapist. That's giving. There's a problem. Absolutely.

Starting point is 00:35:02 100% agree. But I would be that therapist. I'd want everyone to like me. I'd be like, I'm like a fun therapist. I'd be like I'm like fun therapist I'm like the cool therapist hey fucking pop those pills fucking keep gas I go like I want to

Starting point is 00:35:11 tell anyone I would love to be a therapist like hearing people's drama yeah I would being a therapist would be so fun because I love to like psycho analyze and all that

Starting point is 00:35:18 shit that's what I feel about what you guys can do on your tour like I do crowd work because I'm nosy yeah like I know like i love my jokes but then sometimes i'm on the road and i'm like let's fuck around how did you two meet why are you wearing that shit like it's actually very fast because where else can you walk up to random

Starting point is 00:35:33 people and just ask them anything it's so true we don't utilize like that enough with our crowd work like just asking them i know we need to honestly but it's hard when you're in when you're in big theaters to navigate the crowd so i'm a little nervous about that because we've done only literally like one theater, I think. And now this new tour is like almost all theaters. And it is a different energy because they're not right there. I know, you feel like you're on a Broadway play because the stage is so big. It's just, yeah, it's not as intimate feeling. And it is different, but you'll get used to it very quick.

Starting point is 00:36:02 The only theater show, she was like literally like pink, like in the crowd like this. It was crazy. I got bold. I was in fucking seat like 35 B, like sitting on the stage like. Yeah, we didn't we didn't have a rhythm. Everyone's like Brooke didn't say one word. Fuck. So Paige famously doesn't ever stand up during the show.

Starting point is 00:36:23 And I'm all over the fucking stage. Just like skipping, doing the worm. That's so funny. And Paige is in her perfect outfit. She's just like me for real. That's so us. I'm like angry pacing. Like gut out. Like not.

Starting point is 00:36:33 Like no posture. Oh, I'm so fucking bloated by the second show. Dude, I. Yeah, absolutely. Every single time. I like. I'm bad with that. I need to fix my posture.

Starting point is 00:36:41 I could literally. I could be as tiny as a needle. But I sit. I'm from every fucking angle. The amount of stories that i get tagged in i'm like oh my god i have to everyone tags you walking out and you realize that's the moment you you have to be like you're so right i need to get better at that and it's also like my outfit choices i think this tour i'm gonna take it easy like i don't need nobody's tie up fishnet eyelet lace dress with stirrups well it's like it was so many shows so i just started getting lazy with it and it was like a tank top and jeans but then i'm like why the why am i in front of

Starting point is 00:37:09 thousands of people in a fucking t-shirt and jeans no but because the outfits are different when you're performing and that's why i think if you think about women in comedy historically it's the worst fashion because either you're like i don't want to distract with a crazy outfit i want to be comfortable on stage i want to be able to walk around and fashion doesn't always mix but then you don't want to be in a fucking sequined blazer like every female comic yeah so you're in i've deal with that all the time and people will make fun of my outfits and i'll be like i put on a blazer because i was fucking bloated and i didn't want to wear the dress i'm wearing these shoes because my feet were killing me because i've been on tour for three weeks who fucking cares they're not on stage it's true but i'm just it is i want to find

Starting point is 00:37:45 something that like girls feel comfortable with so you kind of find like a steve jobs type thing that's why i said that like my uniform i was wearing like a tube top with cargos in different colors for a while i did have an amazon dress that page made me burn a black dress that i wore every fuck and she was like you can't wear that anymore that is so us coded i do though i have like a uniform like i'll wear different variations of the exact same outfit because it works because i'm like and you don't know what you're gonna be in the mood for that night like you know you plan an outfit and then the night comes and you're like i'm not wearing that tonight yeah i don't i'm not in an orange mood and everyone's staring at your crotch the whole time when you're and

Starting point is 00:38:20 stand up when you're standing up i thought i've never had no when you're doing stand up i just feel like your pussy is like in everyone's mouth well so like i that's why i'll wear like a baggy pant or like a skirt i don't want to be yeah you can't be camel toed up i mean i don't mind a camel toe if you own it cannot okay camel toe is really like it has such a negative rap to it camel toes got a bad rep yeah why don't guys think it's hot yeah why doesn't everyone think it's hot i'm into a camel yeah we like the gray sweat pant like dick print exactly yeah what does camel toe mean that you have like a certain shaped pussy oh here we go again trigger warning oh matt rave is so mad right now no he loves a camel toe because honestly I think it's the innies that struggle

Starting point is 00:39:06 with that with the camel toes yeah also Khloe Kardashian was like kind of the queen of famously known for her big fat she says it her big fat camel toe situation every time I comment on a Kardashian I get no brand deals no she loved it she was

Starting point is 00:39:22 like she owned it that was like her brand for a little no more of that for me do you know yesterday or when i went on howie mendel's uh shit the other day he was asking me all about that the matt rife like vagina situation i was like imagining myself 10 years old watching deal or no deal thinking how i was asking about my vagina and i was like just trying to explain the lore to him and i don't think i could get through yeah i got like a note from his producer that he like no it was actually read through i think he was genuinely curious which makes it on another podcast too i was like this is kind of i just choose to ignore the honestly that was one of those things that you said like what we've done today where you say it just being funny and like it becomes something

Starting point is 00:39:58 that follows you're sorry you never know like howdy people are like beef curtains i'm like that what that's why you're picking it up off the floor i know like i can tie it in a knot and it's fine you know what if i could amazing tying your pussy in a knot would be sick as hell i know but also like let's not walk around acting like we have like we don't all have uneven pussies all i say this every single time, but it's just like genitals are weird in general. And I don't know how we've gotten to a point where we are like critiquing genitals. Like who cares? Yeah. But then, you know, I accidentally became this like spokesperson for the community.

Starting point is 00:40:40 It's a true accident. But you know what? People don't talk about it. And I think there's probably girls who have been shamed for it before. And then they see you and they're like, she's so confident and beautiful and amazing. And I wish I had a pussy like Brooke. Well, it was just crazy because I've never like. That was not a joke.

Starting point is 00:40:54 Some of the. I did get a good amount of DMs from girls being like, oh, my God, I was so embarrassed about it. But I truly have never been. I've never even thought about that. Some of the hottest people like Audi vaginas are just as hot as any because it's like flowers and sometimes people want like a beautiful flower i could i just i couldn't agree more i don't understand i had like i was going somewhere with this now i'm just thinking about your vagina oh yeah i'm so glad so are way too many people to be be honest. It's hot. You have a good purse.

Starting point is 00:41:29 Yeah, it's great. Honestly, I think about like now I'm thinking like I should leak my nudes. Not kidding, because I'm like, I need people to know it doesn't dangle to my knees. But like, honestly, but then I'm like, now that I'm this spokesperson, I'm like, you know what? Maybe it does dangle to my knees. And if it did, slay. Do you know Jon Hamm, how he has that photo of like his dick While he's walking There's like a paparazzi photo And his dick looks huge That's how I envision You do a paparazzi photo

Starting point is 00:41:49 With just like Two long cucumbers Down your leg And everyone's like Just a flap on each side Oh no No How do we get here

Starting point is 00:42:01 How do we get here You're talking about Howie Mandel I don't know But it's way too many minutes On my vagina by now I think you should Just go sit down on howie mendel's podcast mini skirt open your legs and say deal or no deal motherfucker that's just me well he was just trying to understand why there was drama around it or he yeah i think he was just really confused

Starting point is 00:42:19 yeah the whole situation he lost and it's like howie mendel doesn't age though by the way and i like forget that he's like almost 70 what it's like, Howie Mantel doesn't age, though, by the way. And I, like, forget that he's, like, almost 70. What? He's, like, like... Probably because he's never touched anything. I know.

Starting point is 00:42:30 He put his arm around my shoulder and I farted. Oh, my God. Don't tell him that. He'll never have you back. I didn't know what to do. Speaking of vaginas, I do have to say,

Starting point is 00:42:40 I like speaking on stage to, like, make people feel less alone about stuff. So I started this, speaking of bald men, this bit about bald men and how I'm jealous of their like beautiful bald head because I wish my pussy was that smooth. I have like really bad ingrown hairs for a long time because I was a tennis player and it would just like rub. And then I have like dark Italian hair and it just was like a night. I would go to the beach and I would be embarrassed. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:43:04 We're back to us just saying things. hair and it just was like a night i would go to the beach and i would be embarrassed yeah we're back to us just saying things but like i want to normalize razor burn and then like ingrowns like an ingrown hair what is that you've one job be a fucking hair yeah and then it decides to like i agree with that unibomb down and then people are shaving and then i started angry tweezing like if i get an ingrown hair I'll just end it It hurts so bad And I'm like screaming Over my puss And people don't talk about it enough

Starting point is 00:43:28 And then But I do recommend laser Except once I got my Perineum burned What the heck is a perineum? It's like between the The booty Did you just call a fucking gooch

Starting point is 00:43:37 Or a perineum? I thought it was a perineum For a while Which is actually a flower Like your pussy And No I'm never gonna escape this

Starting point is 00:43:46 no i talk about my uneven labia a lot i talked about it on trevor's pod now i want to like people lost their mind out and measure like guys like men yeah you know what's really funny is what j you say i hate them she's like any who oh when we were downstairs and you started talking to me and then when you were just talking to erin i had the same thought that i like you so much because i'm a girl but if i was a man i would be like i just know you rip men like a new one frequently. Like you, you probably, you might be the president of humbling men.

Starting point is 00:44:28 You might really be the president. That's the nicest thing anyone ever said about me, but you know what it is? I think it's because I do love men and it's like, I'm not just out here being mean. I just, I love really curious about what's going on. I like to build them up and break them down and build them up.

Starting point is 00:44:42 And I, it's a kink for me i think it's also like when i notice myself loving men too much i have to like run that back and like you know what i mean like yeah and i think humor is such like a male kind of thing because that's like we get guys from being beautiful and guys get girls from being funny and smart or whatever so when i can out funny a guy it like changes the power dynamic and i think i like that oh you're like big dick in him i kind of like that but then i also like being like but i also can be like nice sometimes you know so it's like you

Starting point is 00:45:18 can't put i don't want people to be able to put me in a box so the second he's like annoyed then i say something that like makes him be like oh she's cool all they need is a little validation the men at my shows they're starting to like enjoy it too much because they like attention yeah so it's a backfiring a little like more men are showing up to my shows so i have to figure something out what kind of audience do you think you have like mostly female or is it like kind of mixed it is crazy how can i'll go from fayetteville arkansas to like seattle washington and i'll have the same type of crowd it's crazy what is it it's all just like i'm biased but it's just like really cool smart good-looking women and boyfriends scattered throughout and like one

Starting point is 00:45:57 zaddy that got lost i love one older man that got lost it's the same every show and the girls are just like the best i hope that it's the algorithm do you get do you ever get the like bitter dragged boyfriends those are the ones those are my favorites yep they show up and then i win them over but i like through torture yeah we got i got a little too comfortable like really shitting on the dragged boyfriends that i know there were a couple shows where they left like pissed yeah because you want them to still be in on the joke then that's like the the weird thing with crowd work because it is funny to just be me even in general podcasting like I try to not use being mean as my humor I know that's something I had to unlearn it's so easy to be mean and get likes especially talking about other celebrities just being like yeah they fucking suck like yeah

Starting point is 00:46:43 they look fucking stupid so I'm and I think because i've gotten that attention myself where people be mean to me so i'm like oh i don't want to do that to people so it's kind of like well i've had like times where i'm at a stand-up show or something and someone gets like like called out and made fun of and there's no nothing positive about it and then i just feel so awkward after that because i'm like oh my god that person probably feels like so embarrassed then you're just a bully on stage yeah and like everyone's laughing because they're not getting bullied and that's not the vibe but i think i would die if i like paid to go see somebody and then they just were mean to me and and nothing else no it's horrible like i look at people and just be like you look fucking stupid and you look

Starting point is 00:47:21 fucking stupid but that's like actually like hack to me i agree with you 100 and i've had to really like dial back on that i think i had an era where that was like it because it is it's low-hanging fruit and people were doing it to me and yeah but my problem i think is like if i went to a show of my favorite comedian he cooked me up and down like i would love it like i do have a weird mean kid yeah i guess if like theovan called me like fugly i'd be like oh my god i want to fuck you so bad well because it's how they do it because if because you already like them yeah but if it's just like a random person being yeah you're like fuck you yeah go fuck yourself that's true yeah but and crowd work is a lot of like yeah asking questions and you're it's it's contextual yeah it's matters who it's coming from and why. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:48:05 I like to I have the mic, so I'm in control. Yeah. It's fun when you tour with Giggly Squad. You guys do like crowd work then. We do sometimes, but we have this thing like we'll bring dudes on stage. Talk to me. We need help. We'll bring dudes on stage.

Starting point is 00:48:19 We just steal her whole show. I will. I highly recommend bring guys on stage because they don't want to necessarily be there. So it's like fun. And everybody's like, they're too excited to be there. It like ruins it. That's a fun bit. If we brought one of the boyfriends on the stage at the end and was like, what did you learn?

Starting point is 00:48:36 That's funny. That is funny. So we'll do I do some like hand on the street show with the guys. And then we do do Q&A because a show is not a ted talk yeah like it's actually a dance it's really an experience between them and you like they're so part of the show too so yeah it's like you want to put yourself in everyone's shoes and also like i get bored with myself talking too much yeah and that's the point like if they wanted to just watch the podcast they could just watch the podcast it's a party it's a party so it's like yeah what keeps the energy up and that's

Starting point is 00:49:08 how we try to like get the show measured so wherever there's like low energy be like okay let's switch this so it stays like high and yeah we just have have and like if you have fun they have fun you're two sons it's so funny because we've asked everyone under the sun for advice people who tour people who whatever and everyone's like just go out there and kill it you're the only person who's actually like not sending us into this world tour blind and i appreciate everyone's like just be yourself i'm like who i first of all don't know who that is that's loaded loaded because it's so different than a live show so different than a podcast yeah it's completely different but also when you remember that like oh we we don't people don't get to see you physically

Starting point is 00:49:52 and it's such like a rush and it's so fun then you're kind of like we're all here just like partying yeah and keeping it up and have a good time i know i shouldn't be like so nervous but like because we literally already did it but i think it's just like so scary because this one feels so much bigger. It does feel bigger. And it's I don't think it's necessarily at least for me that I'm feeling nervous. It's pressure. Like when people pay to come sit down and watch you, I want to give them the best show. That's exactly what it is.

Starting point is 00:50:19 I just feel like guilt almost like if somebody leaves and they're like unhappy with it. I'm like, oh, my God. Yeah. Especially when you put your all into it also like you guys did not trick anyone to buy tickets that's what i try to tell myself like you didn't force people this is not a multi-level marketing scheme you didn't twist their arm they wanted to see you and you're gonna give them your best and a lot of that's like the mindset you have to have and you have to remember that it's especially on reddit and especially like on deleting twitter and like all that shit it's cool it's attention grabbing to say i went here and had a bad experience yeah and even if you absolutely give it your all you do the entire time on stage you're telling shit that's not on the podcast you're telling your deepest

Starting point is 00:50:59 darkest secret there's going to be someone yeah there's always going to be yeah occasionally that you know wants the attention of you know and i'm not saying that's every case but it's there's going to be someone yeah there's always going to be yeah occasionally that you know wants the attention of you know and i'm not saying that's every case but it's there's also the thing with if you have that mentality it's like stand up sometimes they say like don't focus on the one person that looks like their arms are crossed they don't want to be there you can't go in being like who's the one person who wants to shit on me on reddit yeah you have to go in with the mentality of like i hope as many people have fun and i can't control yeah yeah little things i'm like you know what i need to just get off no for sure well you know your mental health and you know i know but you know if they say it's like a car crash like

Starting point is 00:51:37 you want to stop your car and look at it yeah like did you need to especially if you're not the one in the car do you ever have a hole in your underwear and your vagina is like kind of hanging out of it? Nope, not me. Mine doesn't hang anywhere. Yeah, hang was crazy after that whole talk. What if you got it, you YouTubed a labiaplasty? I could.

Starting point is 00:51:58 But I don't even think mine's there yet. Like I think it's like, I think, well, cause you, I think, I think it's like your vagina like ages. Well, she literally isn't any and she's been, everyone's been saying. been so what if i've just been like me like just i just want to be i i know a couple girls who have gotten it but like i think you have to it has to be like really out for you to what no one has to get that no one has to get what do they do they cut they literally cut it off we know a girl like you don't care you know you know i feel like it looks very well who did it like i know a girl like you. You don't care about the men. You know a girl. You know a girl very well who did it.

Starting point is 00:52:26 I know. I know who you're talking about, actually. But I just, it's like, why? Was it like a charcuterie board then after? Like, I don't. Yeah, well, they just. I'm just envisioning prosciutto. They just turned it into a tiny little coin slot butt crack.

Starting point is 00:52:37 I would want to like keep the rest as like. Put it on an earring. I saw this girl on TikTok take her boyfriend's like dread and make it a keychain and i've been begging my boyfriend to do that and he won't your boyfriend doesn't have dread no but like his curls like i want to like he's had braids before cut it off braids are not wait okay just no just just a lot i like that because then if you break up you could voodoo him yeah are you into that like witchcraft like would you like i support it i support it i stand with i stand with the witches for sure i think that shit is so cool one more

Starting point is 00:53:12 thing about pussies is that things are trendy like what if like next year it's like every porn star is the girl with like outies in different ways our like favorite porn star like one of our good friends yeah literally i'm not kidding. You could put us side by side. And it's identical. And I'm like. Why doesn't anyone say anything about hers? Cause.

Starting point is 00:53:31 Audis are beautiful. Yeah. That's what I think. She has the best vagina ever. She has the. I don't have any friends who are porn stars. Really? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:53:39 They're not in New York. Oh man. Yes. They are. But the New York ones are so like. Grunge and different different and she's on too yeah is she yeah i love that yeah she's a fan of the podcast i need to miss what's her name and she's like she's got huge natural tits she's literally the hottest person

Starting point is 00:54:00 she's the perfect i'm in love with her and her. And she made a pocket pussy. Like she literally took a mold of her vagina and guys can fuck it. So honestly buy hers. That's what you have to do. I would love to do that. I would love to just do the mold of it all. I don't want to sell one. Maybe I do have to do that so that I can like kind of clear my name honestly.

Starting point is 00:54:19 I would love nothing more than to mold your puss. I think I'm going to do that. Maybe for tour merch that's it's incredible i think it's a process you know like george o'keefe would do paintings of flowers and it was like really gonna say george what a reference should i have should i commission a commission art and that would be like so down to paint that i support vagina have you guys ever had a seizure either one one of you? No, my friend did. She like loved attention.

Starting point is 00:54:47 Like a big me. That's something I would have faked as a kid for attention. No, I mean, she actually did love attention. But afterwards it was, you know, it was so scary. It was like a, I think she was taking a certain medicine that was mixing with the wrong thing. And it was like so dangerous. Oh, that's terrifying. I had a dog that had seizures.

Starting point is 00:55:05 I know that's not the same thing. Multiple times. Oh, all the time. It was so sad. Your dog was an attention seeker. She was. She's like,

Starting point is 00:55:12 I'm hungry. What happened? Like, it would just look like someone was like zapping. She just would all of a sudden just like seize. It was so sad. That is really sad. Rip.

Starting point is 00:55:21 Hazel. We inherited her from my dead grandpa. Speaking of rip of dogs, I was talking about this yesterday and I just like, it came to to my mind i haven't talked about it in a long time do you know that i had a childhood dog her name was lily and she was so cute she was a shih tzu she was such a slay she was there for like all of my life and then she was such a fucking slay lily that bitch i can make her sing and she go um oh and she got like a cold or like some sickness that is like very much like you take it to the vet and it's like fine like a cream or like a like you know what i mean

Starting point is 00:55:50 i don't remember what it was oh and your dad put him down my dad just went and put the dog down and came home with like groceries like yeah i got milk i got eggs and i put the dog down i was talking about that yesterday and i was like that is so that's all your problems i was just gonna say like i was thinking about that yesterday i was like that had to have fucked me up more than i'm like do you ever think about that like i feel like shit didn't fuck me up like genuinely i'm like i feel like i was really sad at the time obviously i like stopped and like revolted and like i've shit that happened to me that's fucked up and i'm like you didn't fuck me up me too but then something like much like smaller if you're like really thinking about it will like tear my life apart

Starting point is 00:56:25 and then is that is it manifesting like i had no issue with my parents like one week situation ship will fuck you up so much more than a four-year relationship that's so true like a man tells me to chill and i'm scream crying but it's really about like lily and yeah that's the thing i think a lot of like what we because i i was like that too i was always like people would be like you're not affected i'm like i really wasn't But then now it's like reflected in like the way that I act and handle situations. Or like real trauma, you like create good coping mechanisms. Wait, this is adorable. Coping mechanisms.

Starting point is 00:56:54 It's like Bigfoot and a little girl. You're not like dealing with this straight on and you know how to deal with it. So when little things happen, you're not getting coping mechanisms. Yeah. I just saw a really traumatizing documentary. Talk now. What was it? It's called Chowchilla.

Starting point is 00:57:08 It's actually not a good documentary. Chowchilla? Chowchilla. Did you see it? It's like when all the bitches after Coachella that were starving to eat. Sorry. The documentary people have to watch is Mother of God. What's the one where she turns silver?

Starting point is 00:57:27 Mother God. Mother God. it's really fucking good this this woman leads a cult through the spirit of robin williams it's it's i would fall i would fall every time you have to watch mother god um and then american nightmare just came out on netflix which is about kidnapping i just watched watched that. It's really fucking good. I just watched that. Gone Girl is like one of my favorite movies, which says so much about me. But it is an amazing movie. Such a good movie. This is a documentary. What documentary was I recommending?

Starting point is 00:57:54 Chowchilla. Oh, Chowchilla. It talks about these children that got kidnapped at a young age and they ended up getting found, but they ended up using these kids as research of like what childhood trauma actually does to you and they try to say the kidnappers shouldn't be arrested for the rest of their life because there was no physical harm and they basically followed these children because they were like six years old when this happened and it shows them like at 45 with like serious addiction problems and like suicide and all this stuff because of a six-year-old kidnapping that was super traumatic but they tried to argue like none of the kids got hurt

Starting point is 00:58:30 how interesting have you seen like the things where people get kidnapped and then they want to stay with the people who kidnap because it's like that's all they know that's their parent no but not even not even in like a yeah well yeah i guess kind of but i've seen like someone who got kidnapped but the parent just raised it completely raised the kid like completely normally as a good amazing parent the kid was in sports everything like you just couldn't have their own kids and and then like when the parents found him the kids like this is my mom like i'm staying it's also a coping mechanism so you don't have to admit like the fuckery that went down just god how can imagine how have you seen three identical

Starting point is 00:59:05 strangers no but i need to watch it it's so interesting have you it's like literally three triplets who like randomly find each other in like like later in life and it turns out that they were all separated at birth like adopted into different families of different socioeconomic like backgrounds stances so that they can they could measure like how differently they grow up but they all had exactly the same quality same hobby same everything yeah like a social experiment yeah but the kids all ended up going to this or two of them ended up at the same college and they like ran into each other and were like you look just like me and then it was on the news and then the third one was like there i am and so there

Starting point is 00:59:43 were three of them and it was like a whole thing but they all like had a lot of trauma birth parents did that as an experiment the mom had given them up and they she didn't know that they were separated oh and so it was the agency that she had um like given the kids like they they decided to do that and they had they'd they'd come in um like months apart and like ask the kids questions and stuff as like an experiment but nobody knew oh my god it's so crazy you guys have to watch i'm not sleeping having three kids and being like i'm actually never mind yeah imagine being pregnant and like like it was like i think it was like a one-night stand and then it's triplet oh my

Starting point is 01:00:19 oh my god anyway so yeah i don't know if i want to have kids completely understandable well you have a lot of time no i think i i am gonna have kids i would love for i just think it's like our kid is gonna be so fucking sarcastic and annoying like we joke our kid's gonna be a monster yeah like so that's but like in the cutest way but like yeah yeah i always have a little responsibility what'd you say did you talk back to mom i know i'm gonna get like a northwest like my my own punishment you know what i mean like my own humbling no i'm gonna get a northwest too yeah i will yeah i will um but it's my it's our learning journey what does kim say she's my lesson yeah exactly if my mom called me a lesson, I'd ruin her.

Starting point is 01:01:06 No, I know. That's like, you can't say that. And then the other two are not lessons. She's like, and they're perfect. Well, but I mean, I know she's like, shy as my little princess. Think about how Northwest is like, sup, ugly. That's my lesson. I'd be lying to get some other shit.

Starting point is 01:01:20 We don't speak to people like that, Northie. Shut up, bitch. I love her. She's like, emphysema's acting up today. I don't have emphysema. I just, I'm sorry. You just like saying emphysema. I love saying emphysema.

Starting point is 01:01:37 I like saying emphysema too. You guys. I've got to stop saying words. I've got to stop saying words that I don't know on this podcast. We should do a word of the week where we learn a word and its actual definition. I'm with that. And then we use it in a sentence properly. It's just like there.

Starting point is 01:01:55 Yeah. I used to have like a screensaver that was like that and I was learning a lot. It's good. The good old days. Now it's just Reddit notification. I know. I'm not stimulated enough. I think I would be a lot smarter if I just put my time into things that mattered dude like couldn't agree more

Starting point is 01:02:12 i was like tomorrow i'm reading the dictionary like at night how i just like i get like so high i'm on a nebula and then i play like cut the rope for like two hours like they say getting high adds to your anxiety i'm sorry that was so fucked up to say but i'm trying to spread the word of jesus i wonder i don't know i mean maybe it does for sure it does sometimes that's just what i heard i don't know i get panicked i get paranoid it does make me really anxious but some people get like so used to it and then it starts being like it's strange how it can have like the complete opposite effect like some people do it for anxiety and some people it gives anxiety yeah yeah for me

Starting point is 01:02:50 i like really it depends on the strain and i know that sounds like such like it depends on the strain she told me she goes yeah and i was like smoking flour and i was like what did you say she was like she's like flour and she's like everyone says that nobody says that it's like when you're actually smoking like actual weed it's called everyone says that bro tennis yeah maybe in your circle i fear she ate she ate i fear you're not wrong you're not wrong about that that's what the kids are saying bro i'm really i i i've noticed i've always noticed this we've talked about this a lot and i i'm gonna just sound like a broken record if i don't really act on it but like you are who you surround

Starting point is 01:03:34 yourself with and lately i just we're learning we've been eliminating people yeah like america's next top model i'm like i have nine idiots before me and only eight of you will make it no page and i always talk like getting older you have just fewer friends each year in the most like beautiful way yeah and it's it's great i because your energy is everything you know i thought about it the other day because i was thinking like if i were to get married right now who would my bridesmaids meet bridesmaids be and i'm i can tell i haven't met a couple of them yet no i love that for you you know what i mean because i've got to try to have more girlfriends because they think if i they don't have a boyfriend like if i get married tomorrow i need enough bridesmaids bridesmaids

Starting point is 01:04:13 it doesn't fucking matter at all i'd have two before i have some bitch up there that i don't want no literally but i know i can tell like in my head there's like three empty slots that i still need to fill and then you're gonna pity give one to someone who thinks they're going to be a bride's man. No, no. I think I just, I can tell like, I know that like some. I love that. Well, if you think about it, like I have friends like right now that I've met only in the past couple of years and I can't imagine my life without them.

Starting point is 01:04:33 Think about how many people you're going to meet like next year, the year after that, that are like forever your. You're right. Like when it's like, that's how it is with relationships. Like you meet someone and you're like, I fuck with you. And that's how it is with friends. You just like immediately know. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:04:44 I was thinking the other day, like my boyfriend said something you're like, I fuck with you. And that's how it is with friends. You just like immediately know. Yeah. Um, I was thinking the other day, like my boyfriend said something about like, had I met him like a long time ago and I was really thinking to myself, like, how do you, I wouldn't want you to meet me two years ago. Like, I don't like, I care about you so much that I, you know what I mean? Like, I want to protect you from my former self. Not kidding at all. Like you would have hated me. And, and I just, I, you deserve better than whoever that was. And like the same thing with friends almost. Like, I feel like, you know, like I had friends for certain eras of life.

Starting point is 01:05:11 There are friends that are literally four phases. Well, I think in your twenties you have your party friends, which like that fucking fades real quick. Yeah. We're phasing those ones out. Cause then you like when you need them, they're not there for you. And then that's the most, the bigger friend groups have the most drama because you all feed off of the good gossip and then you should have seen our group chat this morning great like that's some

Starting point is 01:05:32 but that's like your 20s that shit is fun i love i'm like i'm in my elderly 30s but like it's true and and you think that you're weird if you don't have a lot of friends it's a thing it's like oh people like me i have a lot of friends and then you realize oh more friends is not necessarily good yeah and then that whole like rap shit like keep my circle small like i fuck with that like i identify with whatever drake says like i think that shit is he is my oprah i get that my i forget who said it to me one time but someone said travel light through life like and it was as applied to like literally having too many physical things yeah but i feel like it that way about friends especially when you're a chaser like when you're a dream chaser the more people who are in your ear about shit is sometimes so negative and like yeah it can make it's like yeah because i'm also

Starting point is 01:06:18 easily in like i listen too much and you know deep down like also that's your 20s actually taylor thompson has a funny joke like you don't have a gut like you're still skinny and you don't you so you have nothing to listen to in your 20s but like you start to get a gut and then you start like you listen to your gut and you start feeling psychic and shit like you start being like i knew that person was off i knew that wasn't gonna work and then your 30s you cut the where your 20s you're researching yeah your 20s oh my god i can't wait to do some stupid shit and be like i was researching it was that's what i called dating i was i was researching it's so real i was researching hockey players i was researching i was researching barbacks i was

Starting point is 01:07:01 i was i was really researching chlamydia. For real. Everyone gets it. Normalize chlamydia. Do you know Tana's the only one in the room who hasn't had chlamydia? Well, actually, I've never asked Erin. You fucking prude ass bitch. And the problem is it's just not even that. I think I haven't had minuscule STDs and one day I'm just going to get hit with a honker. And I'm going to magic Johnson my way to the canceled podcast it could it's okay do you think kind of

Starting point is 01:07:30 like your um um Audi vagina thing that magic Johnson one day was just like I have AIDS and then like you know what I mean like it just like like like do you think you just compare it to having no no but how he's like the spokesperson for aids like she did no did like do you think oh like i just became like the audi um like do you think magic johnson knew that he was gonna be like mr aids like forever is he mr aids i didn't even know he had aids what i don't even know what he does he played basketball yeah yeah can we just promise that not even one more time it comes back to my outie vagina no she did i know but we were done and you brought it no i brought up chlamydia i think i i'm not gonna stop pointing fingers i'm not gonna we're gonna wait but i brought up chlamydia i'm just kidding anywho i promise anywho is my word

Starting point is 01:08:23 at the day i love it that's when you transition everything i don't know i have a lot of like little grandma sayings that i've been saying lately like she i'll be like always have you always have said ready spaghetti ready and i love that about you i got it from my grandma my grandma always said like little well grandma things yeah but i love when you say things like that i think it's really it's wholesome yeah can i just say i think and i i might be going out on a limb here, yo, but this is. Okay. Keep going.

Starting point is 01:08:50 I don't know. I just say shit. I think this is my favorite episode of the Canceled Podcast to date. I honestly really love it. I think it's because, like you said, when we walked in, it was just like so delirious. So we're all so tired. But I've literally described it as like, you know, a long day and you're like, I like i'm not gonna talk to anyone then your friend facetimes you and you're like okay and then three hours go by and you're like okay that was really fun yeah i agree 100 that's the vibes right now and i love

Starting point is 01:09:14 it like we've never touched feet on the park no you guys are like connected you know what was so sweet was when she tied her shoe and then she came back i didn't see that i feel like it's like when a couple gets a threesome for them to like spice up their own relationship that's what just happened that's what this is you're my favorite guest you really are stop i love you guys so much like i just love you because we had no reason like to connect and it just happened no we had a reason are you kidding i saw you posting your cat we had no reason that's how that's literally how we like i'm not kidding i i think i dm'd you and i was like i love your cat or something oh yeah oh that's sweet not kidding

Starting point is 01:09:51 i don't know but you just showed up one day and i was like i hope she never leaves like not kidding at all and then i've just been like following you guys on social media just being like oh those are my best friends they're in la i'm not actually kidding i feel the same way about you you're such a big inspiration i just everything you say i swear to god you are my gandhi you are really trying to be like comedy adjacent these days i want to be just like you hannah burner i want to wear your shoes i fuck with you guys so much because you're like you're both comedically so good you really are so nice and you're so funny and you're so yourselves and i love your friendship and i love i just love you i really do and like genuinely i appreciate how much you've always acknowledged us in comedy and

Starting point is 01:10:31 stuff because i think that's where we want to go completely like yeah i i love all the influencer shit and whatever but like that's i hope i'm doing stand-up when i'm like 50 and that's why like someone eventually i already told her i want her to be my little coach because i keep talking about my thing is though it feels so different to me than like what we're already doing for so different it isn't that it is so different it's so different it's but it's also intimidating with like the traditional space but like yeah you guys are the the next like comedy creators like whitney cummings and i were literally talking about this she's like this next generation of like hilarious youtuber podcasting like that's the next generation and for women like you're not going to comedy

Starting point is 01:11:08 clubs at midnight every night like that's not it's just like weird dynamics but i feel like comics like don't take that seriously i feel like they resent it kind of because it's like i had except for the two of you though well no but then when then you eventually do get on stage but you're selling and you're doing your hour and you figure it at the end of the day it's not about who respects you it's is the audience laughing yeah that's so true decide if you're good or not that's so true and also comedy let's stop taking it so seriously yeah true it's just like it's if it made someone laugh and it made them forget about their problems for a second like i'm happy you're so smart you're such a fucking corn hole i know you're perfect no i loved it how long have you been in la not like like this week 36 hours 36 hours for how long have you been in la no just

Starting point is 01:11:55 this trip this trip this trip i got in on like late monday so tuesday went no gotten late tuesday so wednesday thursday friday and i leave tomorrow at 7 a.m to go to reno oh my god it's such a sad place i know oh my god it's casino i'm doing a casino gig yeah and then i'm going to lake tahoe for the first time that's fun like tahoe's beautiful and we're going to aspen for the first time for shows oh wait how fun like tahoe and aspen are beyond i literally booked it so my husband will come because he likes to ski which is oh don't get me started about skiing talk about it can i yeah yes i would love for you to talk about i have so many thoughts and i'm an athlete i'm a division one athlete skiing and i didn't grow up skiing i didn't grow up skiing so just breadcrumbing the i just whatever i don't understand

Starting point is 01:12:43 the art of skiing because first of all you can't win at it okay what are we doing then you're just going down an icy hill possibly to die and then you don't even get a gold medal you just have to like do it again and you're freezing you feel the same way obviously then yeah yeah and skateboarders have like a and this for skateboarders have an attitude problem skateboarders have like a and this is for skateboarders have an attitude problem skateboarders are like what are you overcompensating for yeah i'm always like don't skateboard towards me the only board i want coming towards me is a charcuterie board so i i don't fuck with skiing and it's freezing yeah and then like, I can't tell if you guys are on my side or not yet.

Starting point is 01:13:25 No, I'm fully on your side. I've never, I've never even seen snow. I've never agreed with something more in my entire life. I'll get into it. But I just feel like the girls are getting tricked because like the aesthetic and then the guys will be like,

Starting point is 01:13:34 Oh, let's go on a trip skiing. And then you go, you, it's fucked. I broke my hand skiing last year. Well, yeah,

Starting point is 01:13:40 that's what I was going to say is there's too many like people who snapped their femur for me to feel like that's something I want to do.'s not worth the hive like going down the mountain is not worth like what could happen i and it looks so safe it looks so fun and cute but also it's fucking freezing and then if you're scared of heights you have to get on these like and you just jump off you don't it like brings you back down but like there's just so many things that for someone who likes that shit i totally get it but i feel like the average person rolls up like let's do a ski weekend and then they're like in their nightmare yeah no no i will never ski i don't need my legs on two separate things i think it's just something i want to be good at to be good at like well maybe that's like the need for validation but i like i want like a man to think i'm good

Starting point is 01:14:24 at snowboarding that's what i did my husband like But I like I want like a man to think I'm good at snowboarding. That's what I did. My husband, like you should stop pretending to like things for men when you're married. I didn't. I'm learning. He goes, he made me do lessons in the morning. Then I get lunch and then I have to show him what I learned. And I love this shit. This is my king because I'm like, I'm athletic.

Starting point is 01:14:39 Like, love me, daddy. And then I just was like, this is not fun for me. And I can't do it anymore and you're like a bitch by the end of that day i cried the whole time yeah i cried then i'm never going because i trust your judgment no for sure but you should go and like yeah get hot chocolate you don't have to and also this is the fucked up thing about skiing to control the skis you have to lean down towards the hill so you naturally want to lean back because you're scared and that's how you fall and then the most fucked up thing with skiing look at me just trying to cancel skiing

Starting point is 01:15:16 right now you're doing it the most fucked up thing is that there's no way to safely fall like you know yeah that's why everyone breaks their little legs like snowboarding can be on like your butt exact so like skiing once you hit a curve or something bad happens you leave it to god you just hope that you fall the right way like i fell on my hands and i broke my hand you you just hope you don't hit a fucking tree no see it's so sweet and then you're bringing your hand on snow and then we're adjusting the trees why that why would we who was like you know what make us more fun having trees there that people could just concuss themselves into you know absolutely not absolutely you will never see me on a pair of skis bears didn't like

Starting point is 01:15:54 gwyneth paltrow or someone like hurt someone on a ski yeah that's funny she like run someone over and then she like sued wait what what was that he sued her for like hitting him a little but yeah everyone's skiing together so we're all fighting for a life and trying not to hit each other suing someone for that is so it's just crazy but i will say like if if i got hit on skis and it was like steve jobs or something i feel like i'm suing this scratch is gonna get infected 100 absolutely we'll call that the ipod nano scratch like that's insane that is i i feel that i think the snow is so fucking stupid i will just say you'll never see me i will die and you will

Starting point is 01:16:29 never see me on a pair of skis or any of that and i want to let you know that your gut is right and i know that dude so i'm i'm dating this guy right now that all he does is like he's the most athletic person i've ever met snowboard surfboard skateboard and he's like babe try and i'm like no no you're gonna surf and You're going to surf and I'm going to park my ass in the sand. I'm going to watch. You're going to snowboard. I'm going to have a hot chocolate and watch. You have boundaries because I'm a people person. I'll be like, I'll learn and do with you because I want to be a fun girlfriend.

Starting point is 01:16:54 But I just get hurt and I cry and then it's everyone's problem. And it's like, I know I'm not going to be You make it everyone's problem. Absolutely. That's one thing about me. If I get hurt, I am not keeping it to myself all of our days are ruined everyone's days ruined like

Starting point is 01:17:09 completely every scene and it's like and I'm just gonna be such a mean I get really mean when I'm doing something that someone's teaching me to do that I don't want to do that you're making and everyone you should have seen me putting her on a horse the other week uh uh I get really mean I'm serious I like the last time I showed i showed ice skate i like made three people cry i'm not that's not a joke

Starting point is 01:17:30 you turned into simon cowell i worse like because it's like i think people have this complex with me where i'm like no i don't want to do that and they like beg me to do it and then they think they're gonna win me over and i'm so stubborn that i'm like fuck you i'm gonna make this hell for you yeah you wanted to fucking try to prove a point absolutely the fuck not I think at that point she starts being bad on purpose just to like be right even if she's having fun she's like I fucking hate this I honestly like I'm not even gonna disagree with you

Starting point is 01:17:53 I just think that like when I say no I don't want to do some shit and someone gets me to do it unless it's like some chill shit you know like painting but like if it's like when the physicality comes into it like can we paint more i know i bought watercolor paints no one wants to what you will you didn't ask everyone sounds like i brought it up the other night nobody asked me to water watercolor paint no one asked me

Starting point is 01:18:17 i asked you i want to learn to play tennis then maybe you'll be my tennis coach i'll teach you guys tennis i've been watching breakpoint on Netflix. So good. I'm so into it. Tennis is ****. I could be on tennis. Tennis is so **** on the ground. Which is so annoying because when I was a tennis player, it wasn't ****. Really?

Starting point is 01:18:32 It wasn't cool. But I feel like teaching somebody to play tennis is just not fun because if you suck at it, it's just like, what's the fun in this? No, but I love teaching people because then I feel like you're indebted to me forever because I gave you a talent. That is exactly right. And then you feel connected to someone like no other. Like if I can get you to understand how to do something and then you have fun with it,

Starting point is 01:18:51 then you look at me and you go, she's a god. I fully agree. I also come from a family of teachers. So I love teaching people. Yeah, my grandpa who died. He was a gym teacher. I'm like a chill one. I never had a good gym teacher.

Starting point is 01:19:03 He was that kind of gym teacher in movies that was like getting kids out of jail putting them on the basketball team in Brooklyn New York in the 70s and getting them to like graduate school and like have confidence in themselves like he was that guy I really got chills

Starting point is 01:19:17 I hope you know that your grandpa just moved me and if that makes you Grandpa Jerry shut up my husband would is so mad at me right now what's the hell stop he's like so you go on canceled and you talk about your grandpa the whole fucking time we need to get down to the husband do you think he's jealous of your grandpa do you think like deep down it's like the love and adoration and like he's like you only like one older man yeah do you think maybe that's why you wanted an older man to emulate

Starting point is 01:19:46 possibly i want an older man because i like respected his mind yeah and like peanut brains are just like you get bored with them eventually that's true i haven't respected like pretty much like the last 10 people i've been with but you know what sometimes that's like to protect yourself because if you respect them that means that you have that's like to protect yourself because if you respect them that means that you have to be like vulnerable i agree yeah and you might not want to do that yeah you're not ready yeah i don't think you're protecting your every time i've ever respected someone i got so much trauma out of that shit that it was like god damn no i know that's why i would go for emotion unavailable guys because i was emotionally unavailable yeah

Starting point is 01:20:22 and that was fun for a while i'm in my first like relationship where I respect someone in a long time and it is scary it's scary it's like like you care about their opinion yeah you you ask for their advice yeah and you want to be like so good that it's like that's scary you feel you feel empathy towards them oh my god all this shit is crazy unhealthy who would have thought i agree empathy is not it's bad you know we should do next time we do canceled we all take a melatonin oh my god do you know i almost pitched that we like smoke weed or something before this episode like how much we already laugh because it's like late it's like i mean east coast time i'm still in east coast time it's like 1 a.m for me no it's 10 51 p.m we're part this is us partying not kidding and i love that and i love that if we had been in a bar right now we would not have connected like this at all

Starting point is 01:21:15 i am so i'm finally fully out of my party phase and it's like the first couple times i went sober too i was still trying to do those things and it was like but like be sober at those things and I was like this is not a good recipe perfect way to for you transition to be sober because you're gonna get a crazy high from performing and you do feel like you're socializing you're like let's get cute let's play some pre-game music go out see people you'll get that high yeah I'm bad at the the social keeping my battery as batteried without drinking obviously but I'm still like working through that and it's like i said this like i know that whenever i'm sober it makes me realize the shit i don't like and it's really nice to just cut it out and like that like i'm

Starting point is 01:21:54 just saying no left and right to shit fuck your birthday fuck your fucking birthdays are made up trigger warning trigger warning no the parties like the partying the party oh yeah like birthdays and shit don't tell yourself you have fO because like you've already done it. You've had that night a hundred times. And also when you have a boyfriend, it's different. No, but that, even that I've realized that completely. We've talked about that a lot. FOMO went away.

Starting point is 01:22:15 I'm like, I, there's, I always think like I will have the chance to do this again. Do you know what I remember in my twenties? Those moments where you don't want to go out and you force yourself to go out. Your thirt 30s that's like not a thing yeah i'm like i'm good at not doing it now because when i get there i'm like i should have stayed home and now i just i believe myself yeah i'm like you're not gonna have fun there go to bed yeah yeah but it is just like yeah listening to what you want to do you're literally tony robbins listen to what you want to do period

Starting point is 01:22:47 if you did a ted talk i think it would be the most amazing thing should i do a fake ted talk that you should actually makes no sense but really confidently and see who's like this is people do that a lot of people i think that's just every you know how many people like yeah how many motivational speakers just, like, fucking make things up and everybody's like, yes. Like, you could just take a Pinterest thing, be good looking,

Starting point is 01:23:10 and, like, market it the right way and people are like, they are a guru. They are a guru. You just have to be, like, a little charismatic. Honestly, it was between, like, life coach ripoff

Starting point is 01:23:20 and stand-up comedian. I'm glad I took that path. Yeah, that's fair. That's really, really fun. Because anyone, or cult leader, a little bit of charm and humor you could be a cult leader i'm starting to think that a cult leader is like could be my future i told her i feel like i would fall into a cult really easily like the sense of community i agree with you that was so beautiful no i really mean it i would fall for a cult because i i like I'm trusting but I don't like too many

Starting point is 01:23:47 group activities so I'd be like actually I don't like hold hands that's why I would think there's ones with like like less responsibility I would never fall for a cult because I'm actually like really close with my mom and like the second thing they do is they say you can't talk to your parents and I'd have to call my mom be like hey they said i can't talk to you and she'd be like absolutely not i'd be like my mom says i can't my mom said i can't my mom said but she would save me from the cult like i'd get in then my mom would have to show up and be like i'm gonna save my daughter yeah she'll be like hannah what the fuck was that and i was like i got confused the guy was tall i don't know you're so funny you're so good i can't believe this is your fourth podcast

Starting point is 01:24:25 yeah you like you just sat here and absolutely devoured you just came here took a shit on this couch you're about to fucking leave your hand it's chemistry it's the chemistry it's the energy that you guys provide but i know you were this good you do this to everyone that is one thing i know you make everyone feel as at home as we feel with you don't you no i want everyone to like me but i don't like them back the way i like you guys but i oh but i just what was that fucked up no i love no no no i don't like anyone but well yeah i do you're a cat yeah she just thought of one person she was actually my grandpa i don't really have that many people i don't like but when i don't like someone everyone knows about it and i make it everybody's problem

Starting point is 01:25:07 like poor girl she has like three friends that i like despise and i can't ever let her hear the end of it it's okay is there like a legit reason they did no never that okay there's so she doesn't have to pick sides because it's a vibe it's a vibe it's me trusting my gut. Okay, so they don't have beef with you. No. Well. No. Yeah. No. But you and your heart of hearts.

Starting point is 01:25:30 No. They're destined for it. Do you think they're going to be wrong for her eventually? Like she'll find it eventually. Well, because one of them just fell off for her and I'm like, yes. Oh, but you're saying this like they didn't just fall off for you a couple months before me. It's not like it's been like a year gap. No, I've hated this girl forever. Oh god yeah we have to get drinks and like please i want to hang out for real where we can really i want social security numbers i

Starting point is 01:25:54 want all that shit oh i'm so fucking down i will because i don't know anything about the la people's but i think also like i even all like the influencers or people i could tell you hey i'm really trying to transition out of that like I like I want my friends to be in comedy I want my friends to be people who can give me business advice that I want I want all of that like I'm mostly like normal friends these days and I'm loving it like all of it

Starting point is 01:26:15 yeah that's good yeah like just the whole influencer scary no more talent except for you yeah and like talent's a strong word talent is a fucking strong word yeah it's a strong word that i use on you thank you babe i love you you guys just heard it a little it's hot we did she gave me a look up and i said hey have you ever been lesbian no it's just so insane it's so surprising to me for some reason no because i'm so gay

Starting point is 01:26:41 like i'm the straightest gay girl ever ever I'm just like I'm I've I've just always all I care about is like walk in a room and dudes like I that's just I can't help it and I feel like I'm gonna die and never know it's like dug up with a girl gun to my head as Hannah Burner munch

Starting point is 01:26:59 box why would I say munch box nobody knows I know that nobody I'm like I'm an athlete i've had like best friends who were gay i love the gay community you do give me gay like pretty like pretty gay energy i'm gonna be honest i mean definitely i think masculine um what's it called characteristics yeah but um no i just never like emotionally cared about a girl or like had a crush on a girl yeah but i i mean i want all the girlies to love me yeah but like i love what you're saying it's like it's like a horrible thing it's like it's like i'm like it's not cool to not be i think yeah like in

Starting point is 01:27:39 new york city it's like you're straight don't tell people that yeah don't yeah and but yeah i like i i love lesbians because i think that they've paved the way for straight women in stand-up in politics in so many things because they don't care what that's so true it's kind of it was kind of like a medium for sure and i think i am for ellen i'm just kidding but she did still like push the boundaries for herself and i think yeah just kidding it's not a coincidence i'm in stand-up and i have male characteristics to myself because it it took kind of yeah i mean it was an entirely fuck in a way male dominated industry until i mean and it still is in so many ways but like i feel like the last what like six seven years is like the most

Starting point is 01:28:20 that you could even yeah say i like to say say that my kink is disrupting male spaces. Put that on a shirt. I don't even know what that truly means, but that's what I want to do. Me either, but I'm going to start saying it. But it sounded fun. I'm going to just start saying that in more random places. I just like going to places that women aren't welcome

Starting point is 01:28:37 and being like, what's up? I agree with that completely. And then it works out. It's just pushing the boundaries a little. I agree. Because women can do a lot of cool things. And all men should die. You're so inspirational.

Starting point is 01:28:49 That sounded sarcastic, but it wasn't. I love you guys. We love you. One more thing. Do you eat long lip pussies? I'm gonna kill myself. Cut back,

Starting point is 01:29:04 cut out every long labia joke all the callbacks and that'll be great just joking I'm owning it that's my it's my magic there has to be some kind of like cute merch that says something like we're trying lips we're trying well my tagline was god left

Starting point is 01:29:20 the tag on when he was saying it negatively and we kind of want to reclaim it and make some merch is he gonna sue us? Honestly I'm sorry. I don't mean to talk to you. What the fuck? Just bleep it. God we can't stop talking about it. Just bleep it. Bleep his name. That's funny. Yeah whoop. That's funny if that just that whole sentiment right there it's

Starting point is 01:29:36 so clear but we bleep it. That's funny. We start calling him Mr. DC again. Yeah we honestly should. Hannah Burner I love you so much. I love you. Thank you for even like being willing to come here at 10 p.m. No, this was so fun. And you're my favorite person ever. Because I'm not going to see you guys till May unless you come to New York.

Starting point is 01:29:52 Or you come to some shows. Or we should try to find some crossover. Or we vacate. We go on vacation. I would go to Bora Bora. Yeah. Not kidding. I would absolutely love that.

Starting point is 01:30:01 Would you pick me up? Yeah. Okay. Right on the way. And we'll go skiing. skiing i jump on the ladder we gotta let you go seriously poor thing has been on for the podcast she loves saying poor thing you're you're the cutest old lady you're my grandpa reincarnated and that's why you love her thank you hannah burner we love you

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Cancelled with Tana Mongeau & Brooke Schofield - 70: GETTING REVENGE ON OUR EXES WITH HANNAH BERNER - Ep. 70

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