Chainsaw History - No Time For Love Doctor Jones #6: British East Africa 1909

Episode Date: January 28, 2026

{ Discover more at ChainsawHistory.com — access our full episode list, delve into bonus content, and support our show with a paid subscription! }Jamie Chambers drags his reluctant sister Bambi back to the year 1909 for another episode of "No Time For Love Doctor Jones," where we continue our chronological exploration of the life of Indiana Jones. In this episode young Henry Jones, Jr. goes on safari in Africa with Theodore Roosevelt, learns how to shoot guns, and helps white colonists massacre a herd of antelope. Marvel at the horny antics of the elder Doctor Jones and Ms. Seymour's equally horny admiration of the former President of the United States.Ponder why old Indiana Jones is at a celebrity shoe auction in this latest exploration of the greatest whip-cracking archaeologist in all of fiction!Mentioned in this episode:Audio IntroOne-time note about the audio quality of this episode.

Hey folks, Jamie at the editing desk here. I just wanted to give you a note that there is an audio quality problem with this episode. You'll hear some popping and some just little bits of cutting out. It doesn't hurt the content, but it isn't up to our usual standards. But this should be the only time this happens. So without further ado, enjoy No Time for Love, Dr. Jones. Episode 6. Hey, Dr. Jones, no time for love.

We've got company. Good evening, ma'am. I hope you don't mind me sitting with you, ladies. but you see, I have a crippling addiction to tennis shoe auctions. And there aren't many I can reach with a bus pass. I also want to let you know that killing animals is absolutely justified and a lot of fun, but it's also an unforgivable act of murder for which we should all burn in hell. I'm glad we cleared this up.

Welcome, everybody, to No Time for Love, Dr. Jones, where we follow the fictional adventures of Dr. Henry Jones, Jr. as he bounces off real world history and important figures. I'm your host, Jamie Chambers, and this is my sister, baby. Hello. And this is bonus content for chainsaw history. Go to chainsaw history.com or look for it on your favorite podcast feed. And you can see the actual episodes where we focus on actual history instead of pretend archaeologists.

For anyone who wants to follow along with us, you can find all the episodes of the Young Indiana Jones Chronicles on a YouTube channel called Young Indie Restored. These try to go back and get the most authentic versions based on the original 1990s broadcast instead of the last. Later, there's been like five different re-edits, like whatever's on Disney Plus right now is... Some of them even had fun commercials. They got, for one thing, they got rid of George Hall, you know, old as they should have. Nope, not for us. We demand that he be included. So, Bambi, this episode that we watched, this was the third episode of the young Indiana Jones Chronicles to ever hit the airwaves.

You know, we're watching in chronological order of his life, but in reality, they did, they bounced between teenage indie and young indie. This is one that we actually, like, recorded and I saw more than once when I was a kid. So I remember this one very well. This is the one where I'm pretty sure by this point I just looked at TV guide, and every time it was a 10-year-old indie episode, it was like, and I'm out. No interest whatsoever. No, it was something I watched with my daddy.

And in this installment, Little Henry visits Africa and gets to meet our favorite problematic president. Teddy Roosevelt. I love Teddy Roosevelt. Yeah, a not infrequent guest star in this podcast. He's fun. He's a hell of a dude. He's a mixed bag for sure, but I love Teddy Roosevelt. And Little Indiana Jones, yet again, makes a local friend pisses off most of the adults,

yet manages to pull a W out at the end, so everybody's happy with him before the credits roll. It's kind of the formula we've established so far as he pisses everybody off, but then manage to do something clever or does something to pull a win out at the very end. Honestly, of all the episodes that we've seen, this one I related to, I would have been this kid. Yeah, actually, yeah, this is one of my preferred Corey Carrier starring episodes of this show. But we'll get to ones I really, really like as we go further along. And now, as you know, we do this show in section, starting with...

I don't know. I'm making this episode I go. In this section, we talk about the plot and major story points of the episode. So, as is so often the case, baby, we open in the early 1990s. And the establishing shot tells us that we are at the Metropolitan Foundation for Educational Quality's annual celebrity tennis shoe auction and dinner. Why was he there? Why is he ever anywhere? Just right, he's sitting at a table all by himself. And once again, this is like Celebrity Tennis Shoe Auction.

It's very weird. It's very funny. So we have to ask the question. Who is the celebrity tennis shoe auctioneer? We never got to it. This is 1992. So there's no way they could have gotten like a Julia Roberts or a Kevin Costner. But maybe we get like a Tory spelling or a vanilla ice. Doubtful.

Polly Shore. Dustin Diamond from Save by the Bell. Trying to think of early 90s. Oh my God. Bad celebrities. Don't. I have so much love for Save by the Bell. and Dustin Diamond was a really like, he was a really troubled dude.

Yeah, he was ruined. RIP. RIP, Dustin Diamond. So as the most generic Kenny G. Musack plays in the background, we once again see Indiana Jones, as played by George Hall, this old-ass man wearing an iPad, just sitting by himself at a table. But he quickly finds himself surrounded by yuppies. So a couple named Tom and Norma sit down first, followed by Selena Messeria and her husband, Frank. An old indie finds himself stuck between these two women who clearly already know and definitely hate each other. Yeah, and they wanted to fight.

Yeah, they came to fight and they started. Because you see, Norma is a bleeding heart animal rights activist, vegetarian who might as well be wearing a PETA t-shirt, while Selena is more of a Cruella DeVille kind, wearing a leopard skin coat. orders the veal just to piss everybody else off. She didn't order the veal. She ordered baby veal, which is like redundant. Yes, make it extra baby. Yes, I want an extra baby.

I want it still crying when it reaches my plate. And meanwhile, old Indy is stuck in between them and start bitching each other. And cat fighting the claws are coming out. And Selena even lights up a cigarette as Norma declared she's about to puke all over the table. And Indy's like, uh, he's literally like just starting to make these noises of being upset because he's stuck between these two chicks. But as we know,

old Indy has only one move in these situations. He starts telling a fucking story that has absolutely nothing to do with anything. Yeah. But also, let her know that he met a bunch of cool and interesting, important people that you can find in Wikipedia.

That is very true. Once they invent Wikipedia, I guess you'd call them encyclopedias back in the 90s. That's when Wikipedia was written in books, kids. So, you know, eventually, you know, people will give up an exhaustion and confusion. He just wears them down. So he literally blurts out, oh, really, please. Excuse me interrupting, but I couldn't help overhearing the two of you discussed balance a moment ago.

And they had to do with the fact they were arguing about, like, the activist chick was saying, you know, she was just trying to redress the balance of nature because of mankind, you know, hurting animals. And he's like, and I was reminded of something from my youth. I can remember a time when to shoot an animal was regarded as an act of conservation. And then, you know, for whatever reason, instead of telling us, shut the fuck up, we dissolve as his voiceover continues. Yeah, I mean, everybody just kind of settles in. It's like, which is nice because I guess listening to this old man ramble on is still way better than listening to your wives. So I'm really happy for frank and whatever.

Norma's husband was visibly relieved when old Indy started talking. Just because there's going to be some hair pulling. It's just going to be embarrassing. And then, oh, thank God, this old man is going to bore us all to sleep. So we dissolve to British East Africa in 1909, which is modern-day Kenya. And in the voiceover, old Indy reminds us that at 10 years old, he was with his parents on a world lecture tour. And then this time, one of his father's school buddies invited him out to stay on his coffee plantation. You see, little Henry rocks the same little pith helmet he wore in Egypt for the unresolved murder of Rashid.

And Rashid's blood still cries out for justice. We'll get there. One day. Before we get to the actual story, Indiana Jones, nerds like me, get a little Easter egg as Professor Jones and his friend exchange at Secret University Club greeting from their school days at Oxford. Genius of the Restoration ate our own resuscitation, which we first heard on screen by Henry Sr. and Marcus Brody in Indiana Jones in the last crusade. So this is a little Easter egg for the nerds. A little Henry and Anna give a strained laugh at what a massive dork their dad is. So, dad's old friend is named Richard Medlicott.

And not that little Henry gives half a shit about that, because they were all invited to go on safari with none other than theater Roosevelt. Yes, that one. Yay. So we get this awesome montage of their trip, including, you know, the wilderness and some lovely examples of African wildlife as they take the train out. And then eventually they arrive at the camp of this big safari. And this is, you know, historically, this was a big expedition that Roosevelt took to Africa. you know, as sponsored or run by the Smithsonian Institute. Which, by the way, I watched this from my phone, and this is not a good episode to watch

from your phone. You really want this one on a big screen, because there is a lot of good... Yeah, they shot on location in Kenya for this. And it was absolutely gorgeous. As usual... Cinematography on this one was really stellar. Cinematography is often the best part about this show, especially when they go to these amazing locations, and this was a really good look at this part of Africa.

So they arrive at camp, you see all of them the nice white people are on horseback, while a small army of black porters carries all of their shit. On foot. This is in the lovely heyday of colonialism. Yeah, pretty much. It was a whole bunch of white people surrounded by a whole bunch of natives. That's why it was called British East Africa instead of Kenya back then. In their tent, Henry is just tossing his shit out of his suitcase and tells Ms. Seymour

that he wants to see Roosevelt. He's the best, a president, a boxer, and a hunter. I mean, he's not wrong. He really was kind of the best. I'd have been excited about it, too. Meeting Roosevelt would have been a pretty big deal. Still would be. And Seymour keeps telling him to slow down. And then Medlicott shows up to take Henry on a tour of the camp. And so they walk through like a semi-outdoor kitchen with strung up animals hanging everywhere. And Medlicott declares that Roosevelt's favorite dishes include elephant trunk soup, ostrich liver, giraffe heart. You know, pick an animal that you love and Teddy will rip out its organs and eat them like RFK Jr. That makes me sad, but okay. Next on the grand tour is Dr. Edmund Heller, a taxidermist who is currently working on the carcass of a lioness. And he explains how his work is the means by which far away animals can be displayed in museums. So that if you are a British or American kid, you can see a lion because back then in the early 20th century, that's it.

Yeah. There is circuses, zoos, and stuffed animals in a museum. So we cut away to a cute and mostly pointless bit of hijinks Other than to show us maybe about how the Jones marriage is going over since the whole cheating with Puccini thing Yeah, I mean they've been really sweet. He's been really attentive to her Yeah, and it's like seeing running into his old college buddy reverted Professor Jones back into his old Impulsive Practical Joker days. So there's a scene where his wife Anna is like in an outdoor shower where her modesty is covered by a tarp and so Henry senior decides to fill up a bucket of cold water

that he's going to go over there and dump on his lovely bride. Which, by the way, she sneaks out in a towel. This never would have happened ever. There's no way in how a proper British lady would have just been walking through can't. Whatever. A

proper lady would have been walking through camp. Especially as one is out tight as she has been revealed. Exactly. I mean, she's like button to the throat. But I don't know. They're in Africa. They loosen up a little bit. But when he's going to dump the bucket of cold water, somehow there was a three's company style swap. And just as he's about to go, it's Miss Seymour there at wearing,

you know, a shower cap that can only be called a choice. It was very fun. It was almost like a nightcap. She's like, Henry, what on earth are you doing? And he's like, da, da, du, and she's like, ridiculous boy. It was silly. I love it. Serve no point at all, unless you. you care about the Jones marriage? Well, it's like for once he was being fun. He really wasn't that much of a dick this episode. No, he was... Almost like

every other one where he's so harsh and mean. This one, he was relatively laid back and gentle about everything. Yeah, he was very chill. You'll see earlier, we'll get later to the meanest he gets, which is pretty mild compared to what actually happened. So, Henry has already left

camp to check out the countryside, and he sees a young African boy, one of the Maasai, tending a herd of goats. And he starts to greet the other kid, but then Medlicott calls to him yelling, they're back. So Henry zips on back and is introduced to Frederick Salu, organizer of the safari and Hunter extraordinaire. Then Medlicott points out a photographer preparing a shot and names him the president's son, Kermit, not the frog.

That really was his son's name. And at that moment, Teddy fucking Roosevelt rides up and smiles for the camera with big mustache and glasses and everyone clapped. which such a perfect introduction for Roswell he literally I'm writing up to camp and I have to have immediately a photograph to commemorate because his fucking ego just requires constant documentation he's literally dragged his son to Africa just to document his awesomeness for a future well that and they were you know shooting a bunch of animals that a shitload of dead animal carcasses to haulback yeah later on we'll get into that but there's like a the number of animals they killed in this exhibition was it's just Staggering. Little Henry is smiling ear to ear to meet such a real-life hero and egomaniac. And at dinner, we learned that Roosevelt enjoyed one of Professor Jones' books on medieval weapons.

And more importantly, to this plot, he is fixated on finding a specific animal they call Burton's oryx. And this is a specific species of oryx, which is a type of antelope. There should have been thousands of these critters in the area, but they are 100% missing. And Teddy is kind of bummed. He wants to see, he wants this antelope. Yeah, he really wants to kill it. And as they're talking about this, suddenly you hear a lion roar in the distance. And everybody's like, what the fuck?

And we learned that Salu shot a lioness, presumably the one that was getting stuffed in the earlier scene, and that Roosevelt shot the male lion but didn't finish it off. And he tells the table, never underestimate a wounded lion. And this is where Jamie recognized the actor playing Teddy Roosevelt. It's James Gammann, who was the dude who played the coach of the Cleveland Indians in all the major league movies. When I was like, wait, what? that threw me out of it, especially considering if you actually listen to what Teddy Roosevelt's voice sounds like, which is cartoon and silly. It's like this guy has just kind of this kind of rusty.

Yeah, he didn't. He had a decent look. Yeah, he looked pretty good, but yeah, he didn't sound. He didn't sound anything. I don't think you want the real sounding Teddy Roosevelt. That would be too distracting because his voice is, just look it up. It's ridiculous. Roosevelt proceeds to scare the shit out of baby Indiana Jones where regaling the story of a wounded lion that hunted its attacker down.

and immediately asks, do you know how to shoot a gun, Henry? And when Anna explains that the little dude is only 10 years old, Teddy proclaims, by the time I was 10, I'd intimate knowledge of firearm. Tomorrow, my boy, I'll teach you how to shoot. I've not her shot a gun, but if Teddy Roosevelt wanted to teach me how to shoot a gun, I'd fucking do it. I'd do it in a heartbeat. And as, you know, like, once you know anything about Teddy's life, no, he did. He probably, you know, was an expert.

You know, he could have cleaned and disassembled and he'd build all of these guns. He'd been to war a couple times. So late that night, Henry is wide awake and clutching a little pocket knife because he's convinced the lion is coming for his tender little ass. And then meanwhile, Professor Jones is feeling frisky. And he goes to Anna and he gives her a rar and he puts out his claw. And she giggles. And then a few moment later, she throws it back at him. And it's, oh yeah, it's playtime.

Little Henry's like, Dad! And they're like, go to fucking sleep. Go to sleep, good. Go to sleep, Jr. Even though you can hear us, pretend to be horny lions. It's just bad enough when your parents are doing it across the hall But when they're like through a tent flap right next to you You can hear them

Yeah you don't want to hear that So he's traumatized in the morning decides to run off Please lie and show up So yes now that which is perfect motivation for him to run away The next morning our former president makes good on his word And it's now canon That Indiana Jones got his initial 5 firearms training from Teddy Roosevelt.

It is. He shot a gun and he blew up a watermelon and I was like, yeah, and this is one of those moments where it was like I could relate. It was like if this was going to be me as a kid. As part of his resume, knowing that he taught guns by Teddy Roosevelt, that's pretty cool

for Neanna Jones. He also, he says, always remember the gun should only be used in order to survive. And he also declares one rifle, the best gun ever made. And the scene quickly cuts away so we never learn what the fuck kind of gun that is. He just says it's the best one. Great. Cool. Well, it doesn't really matter. Yeah. We don't care. As Roosevelt mounts his

trusty state, he tells Henry that even though he can't join the hunt, he can't enjoy this fine land and gifts the boy a pair of binoculars. Keep them. They're yours. Yep. He got really excited. And immediately keeps them for like two and three days. So as they watch Roosevelt ride off, Henry picks up in the fact that Ms. Seymour finds the former president dashing and handsome and oh my she's blushing she's crushing on roosevelt the whole episode you see her staring at him as he's like doing stuff i mean that's age appropriate makes sense yeah she's an older woman admiring this older man who's both famous and and has got a certain level charm i mean he's the fucking former president of the united states among other things he's also like one of the more

famous one of the more popular presidents of the united states like people like teddy roosevelt very big personality. Now, it wouldn't be an episode of this show without Henry doing school lessons with Miss Seymour. So we see them sitting down. They're discussing antelopes, which leads them back to the fringe-eared oryx that Roosevelt desperately wishes to find. So Henry shows off his pretty good at the art side of things, and he draws a copy of the illustration, and he declares he'll help find the beast. And she was like, oh, good, good. And let her run off.

She's like, don't go far, which seems awfully confident, considering every other. episode we've ever watched ever. He goes very far. Well, this time he doesn't go too far, not initially, because he, at first he just wants to run back to that little African boy, the Messiah kid with the goats, and then he spent several minutes awkwardly trying to get past the language barrier and introduces himself. So eventually they figure out that he's indie, because he always, whenever he's talking to anybody, he never wants to introduce himself as Henry.

He's always indie, and all the adults ignore. And then the little Messiah boy is METO. And they figure out each other's names. and he just follows the boys' family back. And they're called home. And you see a little scene where they share some binoculars and look at giraffes. And they do some, once again, this is some gorgeous shots. They actually have the kids in the shots.

They are really there. And there was a bunch of, yeah, there was just some really good. That's a really pretty photography. It's like, again, Corey Carrier may not be the greatest kid actor we've ever seen, but he got paid to go to all these awesome places and do this stuff. It's like, you know, good for you. So they round a corner and they spot a lion The lion that is the through line of part of this episode

And they beat a hasty retreat And then you see a heart of wildebeest And you see a rhino and then some elephants And then they check out some hippos in the water And it looks way more dramatic than it's seeing You can see like it feels like the lion's really chasing them But then it takes down a wilderbeast Well no that's later

Now this part was just they ran away from the lion And didn't follow them Oh that's right Yeah that's later in the episode when they run away. We'll get there. And then Henry learns how to craft a makeshift toothbrush from some kind of like stick. Yeah, some kind of read.

And Henry sketches some more animals in his journal. So they're having, the kids are having some fun. When walking back, now this is the part you're talking about. They're walking back after the toothbrush scene. And suddenly, we get a gripping scene that mixes the boys running with stock footage of a lion,

very clearly shot on a different camera, on a different day, in a different place. And the music and editing desperately tried to make all this tension where you see one of the little boys trip and it's like but no there's no these guys yeah there's no absolutely not because first of all if they were going to be stampeding with wild animals they would have gotten fucked up and also yeah there's no way that these two children could have outrun a wildebeest so it was all bullshit however but they run away and unfortunately a stock footage wildebeest is taken down by the stock footage line but the

boys are fine and it's sunset and harry and mezzo are still hanging out playing some kind of flute now back at safari hq kermit roosevelt scolds everyone while he attempts to capture the perfect picture of his father surrounded by dead african wildlife and everyone claps again because every time a picture's taken of roosevelt everybody cheers hooray i mean you know i guess as they should and henry is back and admires the day's kills which include a big rhino that uh that teddy's bragging about and and and then And he starts asking, Henry's like, well, why I've got to kill some of these rare animals? Oh, why do you need so many? And they get into this conversation.

It's like, beasts like these belong in a museum. And Henry's confused. And Roosevelt says that with more knowledge and exposure to the animals, thanks to them being shot and stuffed and sent to museums, more people will have respect for wildlife. They need the exposure and the education. In order to do that, little Henry starts to get upset because he's like, you're kind of hundreds and hundreds of these animals, Jesus Christ. You don't need so many

You greedy fucks And he was like Well there are a lot of museums He's literally going to hundreds of museums And there's lots of this And there's dogs animals And he's like And Roosevelt has to flex

He's like look You don't get to school me on this shit I'm Teddy fucking Roosevelt He's like I'm the guy Who is all about conservation I'm the great The thing I'm most proud about Is founding national park

And he's like Mankind has the power To destroy the wilderness And that is something We must never be allowed to do Yeah Yeah, we're not going to get political. Just keep going.

Just keep going. Now, once again, we see that a notable historical figure develops a weird attachment to a 10-year-old boy. Because Roosevelt and little indie spend like a bunch of time together. Yeah, you see them playing checkers. Yep. You see them scoping out critters using field glasses. Well, the former president spouts wisdom. They play checkers, like you said.

and Henry once again promises he's going to find Burton's oryx so they can send samples to the Smithsonian and Teddy's just like smiling and hearing him yeah yeah sure you are kid what the fuck ever I like you though and then we hear another roar and the crack of a rifle and so when Henry and Teddy run over there to check it out we see that Salu shot the lion that had chased the boys earlier and so there was much rejoicing but even though Henry looks down and sees the lion he's kind of sad like all this killing of animals it's just bumming the little boy out. Which is really funny because the animal that was chasing the boys earlier was obviously a lioness because they're the ones who actually hunt and the one they took down was the male.

And he gets down and he pats his mane and he's all sad and again, it's like, relate. I would have been that kid I would have been that kid wandering off and possibly getting hurt and checking out all the shit. You would have been sad.

I would have been really fucking sad that the lion that wanted to eat me got shot. It's, yeah, all of it. I don't know. When something tries to eat me, that's when my sympathy level goes. I was like, you know what, that lion can go fuck off. Again, he knows that it's not that lion. Yeah, that was a stock footage lion. That was a stock footage lion.

This one is a fake male lion that didn't do shit to anybody. Yeah, it was created by the prop department because we're not going to actually kill a real lion for this episode. So the next day, Henry shows Meadow, the drawings. of the fringe-eared oryx, and the boy recognizes them. So they run away from camp to get more information as Miss Seymour is doing dick to keep an eye on Henry. And his fact is basically being a peeping Miss Seymour on Roosevelt. He's like doing his morning workouts with his dumbbells. And she's like, and at one point she literally smells herself and realize that she smells like ass.

She's like, I guess I'm not going to make my move today. So gross. It's like she's getting horny. that she realizes she just stinks. So anyway, and then now it's too late to keep an eye on Henry because he's gone. She starts, like, looking around. Where'd that kid go?

Yeah, so she starts meandering around. And meanwhile, the boys make their way through a rocky outcropping and Meadow shows stone drawings of the orcings. See, I know what you're talking about. And then a snake slithers up and scares them out. Henry's freaking out screaming, I hate snakes!

And which is a little weird because we see that in Indian Jones' Last Crusade, River Phoenix was fine with snakes until he fell into a pit filled with them and his scarred him for life. But I guess the writers forgot about that. Or maybe Indy just had this recurring snake phobia that just drips in and out of his head. I don't know. But for this point, he's just like, no, fuck snakes, which is fair enough. Because, I mean, if I saw a snake, even if you're not, you're not like phobic, you're still not going to like seeing a big scary snake.

Yeah. Especially in Africa. So back at camp, Miss Seymour confesses that she's yet again. lost track of Henry. For several hours. She's like, I am so sorry I was horny. She kind of dozed off. They get a calm search at first.

Well, it's still light. Okay, go check the tents. I'll go check over here. And meanwhile, Meadow brings Henry to a messai woman who takes them in a whole group of children off for yet another stroll. They go off somewhere else. And we cut back to an increasingly worried group of adults back at camp. Roosevelt tells his son Kermit to get a search party together. this is no place for a child to go missing definitely not the African bush the sun is getting low when the

Messiah woman takes Henry to meet an elder and I actually looked up the name of this and I forgot to write it down on my note but there's a particular kind of it was a very Lion King moment with the tree and the elder it was like basically they were going to go seek out Rafiki it was but like from what I understand this was actually you know well research about what the Messiah culture was like and this really was like a medicine man and, you know, a kind of figure who would have this information. So he slowly explains to little Henry that the orcs eat a type of fruit that grows underground that the animals had to dig up. And so Henry's starting to put two and two together and starting to figure out what happened to these things and where they might find them.

So Henry thanks the old man and then heads back in the dark. And camp Anna is getting increasingly worried as the search party has come up completely empty. And Henry races back. It gets dark. you know, he starts spotting and hearing scary African critters all around him. And he runs up and he falls. And then suddenly a hand grabs him on the shoulder. And it's like this horror movie moment.

But it's like, nope, just one of the black servants from camp. And it just scares the shit at him. But they all called him indie, which I thought was interesting. Because they were looking for Henry Jones Jr. But all of the Africans were calling him Indy. That's because he goes around introducing himself to the locals. Whereas everybody else, all the white adults are calling him Henry. So, yeah, they were looking for the same kid but calling him two different things.

But apparently the Africans were all calling him Hindi. They're hip to the fact that he has a preferred name. And, you know, it's like, you know, do you do. Republicans would hate this. Yeah. Oh, my God. How dare you? Indiana Jones should not be allowed to not use his given birth name.

He is Henry Jones Jr. So as Henry is brought back into camp by one of these African porters, Anna Hoarders, Henry to never do that again. She gives the tear-filled mom hug when you're glad that your kid's alive, but you're also furious. But then Roosevelt shows up, and that's when he gets ripped a new one. Well, Henry Jones,

Sr. didn't even have a chance to scold his son before Roosevelt came in. Yeah, he didn't even say anything. And scolded all of them. He's like, You've caused enough trouble for one day. Henry, I'm disappointed in you! And that's exactly. He said in that very weird monotone yell.

And then Henry tries to explain. explaining what he was up to. No excuses. And he rived, stomp's off. And then Professor Jones orders Henry to bed with no supper, which I assume is the gentlest punishment that Henry's ever been given ever. So he just kind of goes. He's like, God damn, when Roosevelt dresses you down.

Yeah, dad was really super chill. But then again, we also know that dad just got laid. Yeah, he's, he's feeling a little frisky out here in the... He's relaxed. He's well relaxed. And once again, we've also seen kind of revert to a more earlier stage. I guess we've seen as college buddies and being out in the wilderness. So early the next morning, Meadow shows up in Henry's tent and wants them to go off again together.

And for a split second, Henry's like, you know, I'm not supposed to go anywhere. I'm grounded. And then like, yeah, it took all of two seconds for Henry. Like, good grief. All right. Fine. I'll do it. He's like, fuck it.

I'll go. Since when am I not going to just get in the maximum amount of trouble? So Henry changes clothes and they dash off and you see this cool silhouette over them running against an African sunrise. Another amazing shot that this show doesn't deserve. In camp, Anna Jones looks in on her son and sees what she thinks is him laying peacefully in bed. Nice and sleep. He just does this sleeping dummy, Ferris Bueller style. With his little hat.

Yep. Yeah, because everybody knows you sleep with your pit helmet on. And she's dumb enough to fall for it. She's like, oh, my little safari man. My darling boy, he's learned his lesson. Meanwhile, Henry and Med are running through the trees. And the boys dig up the type of underground fruit that the fringe-eared oryx likes to eat. And after a moment of looking that they spot one, he's like, Burden's Oryx.

And they creak closer and see a whole mess of these funky anelopes. They were really pretty. Yeah, they're cool-looking critters. So Henry returns back to camp to cover up his continued disobedience. So nobody notices he was gone. Otherwise, he wouldn't have even had a chance to tell him what he found before getting beaten after that. It's like, you motherfucker. You did what?

He says he comes back to win back to love and respect to Teddy Roosevelt. So Meadow charges up to the breakfast table with one of this big, dirty fruit in his hand. And we see that Henry has picked up enough of the Maasai language in just a couple days that he and the kid are like doing some basic conversation. And then Henry declares to the table that they found Burton's fringe-eared oryx and shows Roosevelt what he learned and wrote. in his journal. Quote, there was a great fire in the bush which killed all the snakes. These snakes usually ate the mole rats, but the mole rats burrowed underground to survive the fire.

With no snakes, they got so big they ate all the melons. So Henry explains, you see, all the plants and animals, they're connected. When something happens to one animal, it causes something different to happen to all the other animals. The orcs moved away to find the melons. The circle of life. They're learning.

Roosevelt is definitely starting to feel cautiously optimistic and offers Henry some praise. So they saddle up to go find this fringe-eared oryx. And they do. A whole bunch of them just peacefully munching on some grass. Yep. So what do you do? So yeah, Henry starts to look more and more horrified as he realizes that they're just going to assassinate all these fucking analog.

Oh, yeah. I kind of forgot. The whole point is to shoot a bunch of these and send them back to the Smithsonian. So they're creeping up ahead, getting their rifles ready. and Henry's like, are you all going to shoot? No, fuckers. And the answer is yes. So they fire a volley and drop a couple of orics to the bloody ground.

They're all reloading and Teddy's ready to shoot again. And Henry screams, hey, no more. I said no more. His eyes are full of tears and he grabs the barrel of Roosevelt's rifle. And stares down Teddy Roosevelt and was like, you cannot shoot any more of my fucking antelope. And then we get a couple reaction shots of everybody, like, including his Other people are like, oh shit. No, he didn't.

Like, who dared to grab fucking Teddy Roosevelt's gun? But Roosevelt unexpectedly softens. And he goes, quite right. Absolutely right, Henry. It's a rare species. Who knows what kind of animals might depend on them, eh? Thank you, Henry. Boy for you.

So he turned it around and everyone breathes a sigh of relief that Henry Jones juniors get shot by the former president. He wouldn't have shot him, but he could have, he might have like just beat him a little bit with his gun. Yeah, or just made him cry a bunch of times. And Meadow checks out the dead oryx while Henry just runs back to camp with tears in his eyes.

He's not happy that he literally, I led you to these animals that were immediately killed. That's great. I mean, and again, it's like this is the part that I could have related most to. As a child who loved animals and once wouldn't even let my dad eat his

crab for dinner, and I buried it in the sand at the beach. and gave it a funeral. And my daddy loved me enough where he let me do that. He put up with that shit. He put up with that shit. I was his sweet girl. Yeah, little Henry was not happy that he's like,

I found these beautiful animals for you to kill. So yeah, safari's over. You see the camp breaking up and you see the caravan is starting to make its way back towards civilization. And you see Meadow watching from a distance on a ridge. And they're covered in wine bottles. And he's looking at everybody go away through what we can assume are the binoculars that Henry had gotten from Roosevelt that he gave his friend.

And that's when we hear old Indiana Jones's decrepit voice. Years later, that place was named Champagne Ridge. Not in memory of Roosevelt, but in memory of the thousands of fowardom. Champagne Ridge. We find ourselves back at the dinner table in 1992. And that's when the old man just suddenly says, well, thank you for being such pleasant company, but I have to go, goodbye. And he just fucks off as fast as his old man legs can shuffle.

them out of there. Which is really funny and they're just abruptly in the sort of goodbye. It does feel, it did feel abrupt. It was like, and the lesson of this story was never fucking tell Teddy Roosevelt where all

the animals live because he'll shoot the shit out of them. Exactly. But she was like, that's Selena, the chick with the leopard coat. She's like, what was the point of all that? And Norma doesn't know and her husband declares he doesn't get it either. The end.

And that's how we were all left. Just sort of baffled. What the fuck did we just watch? What do the absolute disconnect between the old indie section. They're like, yes, they had the animals thing. But it was just, it's just so badly done compared to like any form of like, I'm convinced that the actual original stories are all put together and they just did the old indie shit later as an afterthought.

Different crew, different people, different writers, different everything. because it's just slaps together. It's so odd. The shit they can just throw together today. The shoe auction. Why wasn't a shoe auction? All right. Now that we've gotten through that,

we get to our next section. That belongs in a museum. That's a long. Actually, Teddy Roosevelt himself says in this episode. He says it out loud. That's probably where he got the idea that ship belongs in a museum. It was from Teddy Roosevelt. Thank you, Teddy Roosevelt.

Or from when he, you know, met the famous archaeologist in the first episode. This is where we go over the historical figures, places, lessons, and artifacts featured in the episode, and boy, do we have some names in this one. So first we'll start with the location where this is British East Africa, or officially the East Africa Protectorate at this point in 1909, which is a lovely example of British commercial colonialism where it's like a corporate interest takes over this spot instead of it being a direct crown colony. As a random fact, the British government banned weed in this protectorate in 1914. Interesting. Yeah, that's just, like, that's it random. The area was in...

You don't want to get too high if you're hanging out in the African bush. You know, then a leopard takes your ass out. The area was annexed by the British government into the colony of Kenya, which remained part of the empire until 1963. Because, you know, like... Colonialism. Moving on, we're going to go to Frederick Salue. This dude was a British Army officer turned explorer and professional hunter,

and he was indeed real-life friends with Teddy Roosevelt. and a fellow conservationist and was indeed part of Teddy's famous 1909 expedition. And the number of animals this man was shot was staggering. The thousands and thousands. This guy started when he was a kid and kept going until he was an old man.

Gross. Roosevelt wrote of Salu, quote, Mr. Salu is the last of the big game hunters in Southern Africa. I'm speaking like he did in this show, not his real voice. The last of the mighty hunters who experience lay in the greatest hunting ground

which this world is seen since civilized man has appeared herein." Now, I didn't recognize him under the beard, but when I actually looked at the notes, I saw that Salu was played by fucking Paul Freeman, who Indiana Jones fans better know as the French archaeologist Renee Bell from Raiders of the Lost Art, which is even cooler because this is not the last time we'll see him.

He reappears in the Sean Patrick Flannery era. Oh, that's cool. So playing the same guy. Moving right along, we're going to go to Edmund Heller. This was the guy who his hands blood deep in a lot earlier. he was, in the episode just calls him a taxidermist, but that was a little unfair because he was actually a zoologist in Stanford graduate, you know, working for the Smithsonian. You know, it's like his job was to literally make sure all of the larger animals that got shot were well preserved. Granted, you know, taxidermy was kind of a different thing back then.

So you would have been a zoologist technique. Well, I mean, there were plenty of, then and now there were lots of just regular taxidermin. I was a literal expert on like zoology. On zoology. On animals. And he wanted to make sure that the specimens went back, you know, as close to, you know, to show what the real animals were like and the kind of information about them. Later, he became director of the Washington Park Zoo in the water,

where he thought it would be a good idea to put young wolves, black bear cubs, and polar bear cubs in the same enclosure. Cool. That went so badly because the polar bear cubs drowned the black bear cubs. Cubs. Oh. That he had to leave the position in disgrace. Yeah, you don't want to do that.

Wamp, want to want, won. These things don't live with each other in the wild. They can't really live with each other in his two. A dude who was kind of blinking, you miss him. He was just introduced and then it was in the background. The episode was a guy named John Alden Loring. He was in charge of collecting all the small animals while Heller took care of the big stuff. And that's exactly how the roles went on their real life expedition.

And in fact, Heller dubbed a, species of rat in Kenya, Loring's rat. So that guy ended up having a rat named after him. Interesting. Now, all of the brief mentions, we'll go with the briefest of all,

Sir Richard Francis Burke, because he's just name-checked. They call, they say he's the guy discovered the special species of antelope that Roosevelt is obsessed with. Though a quick look doesn't show much evidence

to connect Burton with the orics in real life. I think it was just, here's a famous African explorer. We'll throw his name in there. And, yeah, Burton was a super famous explorer who was known for being so good with languages and disguises that he infiltrated places white people fear to tread. So he was one of the earlier white people to sneak into Mecca, which was totally not. He managed to get in and out of Mecca alive in the 1800s because he was so good at local dialects. And, you know, just like little indie did in an earlier episode, he used brown face and disguised.

him says whiteness. You just need a little walnut oil, apparently. He knows the tricks. But, okay, let's get to the main event. That's why we're really here. We're going to talk about Teddy Roosevelt. Yay. Everyone needs to clap.

Every time Teddy Roosevelt's name is named. Or he gets a picture taken. Because he has been a recurring character on chainsaw history. He was mentioned both in our episode on the Houston riots of 1917 and in your coverage of his daughter, Alice. Teddy Roosevelt's a card. And like Indiana Jones, Teddy Roosevelt is actually a junior. His father was Theodore Roosevelt Senior.

And funny enough, his mother's first and middle names were Martha Stewart. Just random. Another one just random things that jumped out of me. Now, as a child, little Theodore suffered from very bad asthma, which is something I can relate to. What I can't relate to is the fact that his father treated him with cigars, coffee, and whiskey. Built him home gymnasium to lift weights, practice wrestling and boxing. He was like, you are going to. He was going to fight the asthma.

And it apparently worked because, you know, like many children, he grew out of it. Teddy learned judo, swam, hiked, and rode horseback. Fuck you, asthma. Asma just ran away in fear. Yeah, pretty much. But, yeah, he grew out of it. At seven years old, Teddy saw a dead seal at a market. So, of course, he had to obtain the head and used it to start practicing taxidermy.

Oh, how very RFC. K Jr. He and his cousins formed the Roosevelt Museum of Natural History as little boys. So Teddy's career eventually found him as assistant secretary to the Navy, a position he used to send ships to the Philippines without any approval whatsoever, you know, when war broke out with Spain. And then he resigned so that he could form the writers and fight the Spanish in Cuba directly. And of course, used his famous charge up San Juan Hill to win election as governor of New York

and later vice president of the United States. Yep. And then McKinley got shot. Yep. Because fuck McKinley. Yep. Fuck that guy and his tariffs. That's how we got eight years of Roosevelt. And as president, he was a trust buster breaking up big business. Prosecuted corruption passed the meat inspection and pure fruit and drug act.

All the things that are being torn apart today. Yeah, like the national parks, you know, they want to, since we're not doing trade with Canada anymore, We're going to open up the National Parks for lumbering. Oh, and if you'll check, a lot of national parks are closed this summer due to lack of staff. Yep, it's great. It's great. I fucking love it. I hope the ghost of Teddy Roosevelt comes and beats them all with a stick.

Exactly. And he did, in fact, establish five national parks, 51 bird reserves, four game preserves, and 150 national forests. It's covered about 230 million acres of U.S. land that he wanted to, from all the shit that's being done, you know, right now. Right now. Sorry, Ted. We let you down. It took a hundred years, but we finally eroded that shit till it was just gone.

And then literally, like, within a year of leaving office, Teddy head off for Africa on his famous Smithsonian-Rosevelt African expedition, which that's what we run into in this episode. Oh, and remember how Teddy picked up a big fuck-off rifle and declared it the best gun ever made? Yes. It was almost certainly his... beloved Holland and Holland Royal Double Rifle, which had the nickname Big Stick, which if you know the... Oh, yeah, Teddy loved his big stick.

You're supposed to speak softly and carry a big stick. It just happens to be a giant fucking gun that can take down an elephant. So there's lots more to say about Teddy, but this is an Indiana Jones episode, so we'll just hold off for the future or check out some of the things we said about him in those previously mentioned episodes.

Of course, there's Kermit. Yeah, a son named Kermit who took pictures. That's not all Kermit did. Kermit actually had a decent civil service life. Well, he did stuff. He served in both World Wars, which ended with him being a raging alcoholic who committed suicide. And the doctors lied and told his mother he was death by heart attack because they didn't want to break her heart. He shot himself in the head.

Yeah. And, you know, they wanted him to be buried in consecrated ground and la, la, la, la, la. He was traumatized by war and addiction. Poor Kermit. Yeah, I mean, he. should not have been in World War II and he lied and got himself there

anyway and while there he killed himself. Yeah. Yeah. Everyone does. Well, his dad, as a, you know, late middle age man decided to go to war in Cuba and became and got all kinds of glory doing that. So it just did not work out as well for Kermit. All right, but moving on

to animals, we can talk about the fringe eared oryx real quick. That is a real thing. It's a very muscular type of antelope with slender legs. But the original script actually was talking about a type of gazelle, but I'm assuming there was a production reason that it was easier or it was better, easier, or more

accurate to use this antelope instead. And so they switched shit from when the original script was written. And a campaign ridge. This once popular hunting spot is now, apparently a luxury vacation spot in Kenya that you can book a nice room overlooking some of the same countryside we saw

in this episode. Get like your own Airbnb with a huge bay windows, just looking out on the African savannah. I mean, you got the cash. You're not afraid to travel right now. We're going to move on to our next section. It's the mileage. In the next segment, we examine the development of Henry Jones Jr.

into the man and two-fisted archaeologists he will one day become. And this one just kind of reinforces most of the stuff we've already learned about him. We see that he is the most ADHD kid with like a pathological need to disobey any authority figures. Honestly, as a kid that liked to run away and also defy authority and play in the woods a lot. Totally understood. I get it. He was sweet and kind of animals. He liked making friends with local people and learning.

See, it's like I probably related to Wii Indy more in this episode than I did. More than when he was sneaking into castles to kiss princesses. Oh, yeah. I mean, all the other shit he did was just stupid and bizarre. I get. I totally wanted to run off with binoculars and make a friend. Why not? Exactly. And this is another time we see

he calls himself Indy. That's who he introduces himself to whenever he gets a chance to call himself his own name while all his parents and all the other, you know, white adults always call him Henry. You know what? I'm just glad his friend wasn't kidnapped and sold into slavery. At the end of it, he was

unscathes and just got a pair of binoculars. And a cool story to tell his family. It's time of white people who shot up much animals. And kind of like Sir Richard Burton, we mentioned earlier, we see Henry is really good with languages picking up conversational messiah in just like a few days. You know, in the child slavery episode, we also saw him using brown face like Burton. 10 years old, little Indiana Jones learns how to shoot a gun from a guy who really like to shoot guns. So like I said,

Rock on Little Indy, that would have been cool as shit. Foundational skills he uses to shoot many Nazis and the future. Fucked him Nazis. Yes. We also see little Henry's sense of direction is again on point because he's, he never gets lost. He finds his way back. He just takes too long.

He just meanders too much. We also see at this point his life, death still bothers the kid because all, just even the animal death really, really upset him and reduced him to screaming tears of what we know in the future he'll be able to kill a truck full of Nazis and sleep like a baby that night. I would feel sadder about killing a lion than I would a truck full of not. So relatable. Yep. And with dead antelopes and dead Nazis,

that's where we in things. Thank you, everybody, for listening to the latest episode of No Time for Love, Dr. Jones. Thank you, Kevin, here at Raven Sound Studios. And if you want to hear real full episodes of chainsaw history, just go to chainsawytstory.com or search for it on your favorite podcast feed. Other bonus stuff besides this includes the value of series, where Bambi reads me children's books in the 1980s. You can also find on our web,

website, full episode transcripts, bonus stuff, and more. To go check it out and also click on the logo if you want to find ways to support us directly. Okay. All right. Thanks for listening, everybody. Bye.