Chainsaw History - Part One: Anthony Comstock, Mutton-Chopped Mastodon of Morality

Episode Date: September 18, 2024

{ Discover more at ChainsawHistory.com — access our full episode list, delve into bonus content, and click the logo in the center of the page to support our show with a paid subscription! }The Chambers siblings return from summer break to take a buzzsaw to the memory of Anthony Comstock. He was a self-appointed moral crusader and postal inspector from the 19th century whose legacy lingers in modern politics—including references in Project 2025 to ban mailing abortion medications, contraception, and pornography.Learn how one boy's mommy issues are inflicted on an entire nation as Comstock's Connecticut Puritan upbringing sends him on a mission to hunt mad dogs, go full Batman on an illegal saloon, and makes him the least popular soldier in the Civil War. His obsessive, self-critical journaling offers a window into his world of shame and personal struggles with one-handed temptation. (Ahem.)It's another awful person telling everyone else how to live! Join Jamie and Bambi while they wonder aloud why Comstock's laws and moralizing mission should have any relevance in the 21st century.In this episode we encourage you to consider a donation to Planned Parenthood, which provides education and support services for sexual and gender related health. Learn all the ways they assist men, women and families at www.plannedparenthood.org.

I had no interest, but I do have interest in seeing Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice. Because that was my first date, Jamie. The boy that came to my house and brought me candy and flowers and took me to a movie and paid for everything and kissed me on the cheek afterwards and no boy has ever lived up to that boy. Good for you, Patrick. Shout out to Patrick. Yeah, my third grade boyfriend.

So Beetlejuice was a movie kind of about the afterlife and a very weird vision of it where if you commit suicide, you become a civil servant. But speaking of the afterlife and a very weird vision of it where if you commit suicide you become a civil servant but speaking of the afterlife and religion want to talk about an insane religious zealot? No. Too bad. Can I say no? I gotta steer this ship. I guess I'm here for it. I don't want to be here for it. Let's get toward the guy we're gonna be talking about for the next two episodes. Are you familiar with a video game series called Bioshock? Heard and not played. Yeah, Bioshock.

Well, the original created by a guy named Ken Levine. And the two Bioshock games that he directly worked on are both sort of criticisms of different parts of American culture. So the first Bioshock was about this underwater city created by uber libertarians Yeah. And how it went horribly wrong and turned into, that's why it's a horror game. It's like, wait. And then Bioshock Infinite is a criticism about other parts of America, but we'll get to that in a second. Heard about another little thing, a document called Project 2025.

Oh God. I know more about it than I want to. It gives me nightmares. Yeah. So, Bioshock Infinite, the setting is a racist American theocracy called Columbia. It's literally this floating city, you know, powered by weird science. And it's ruled by an old bigot named Comstock. I have heard of this act.

So he was so patriotic and Christian that he left America to found his own society. But his name and charming personality were derived from an infamous real world figure from 19th century American history, Anthony Comstock. I already don't like it. Am I allowed to already not like it? Yeah, you're fine to not like him.

I mean, literally he was the bad guy in a video game and connected to Project 2025. So I think going in, you know, this is not gonna be one of the good ones. Well, yeah, I mean, technically, I think he might be the bad guy now, I don't know. You're about to find out. So welcome everybody to Chainsaw History.

This is the podcast where my sister and I treat respected hip figures from American history with the same grace Philadelphia Eagles fans had for their city after they won the Super Bowl Oh, I'm here. So let's light some cop cars on fire. I am ready to light some Buildings, let's do it. I'm your host Jamie Chambers and this is my sister Bambi. Hello. We are a comedy podcast I'm not a historian, but I did read a bunch of books and articles while drinking an unhealthy number of Red Bulls. Yeah, I'm here because I've been, I guess, forced? I don't know. I'm here. I'm here for it. I'm here for season whatever this is. Hooray!

So head over to ChainsawHistory.com and click that logo in the center to find out how you can support us with either a paid subscription or a one time tip. This is also where you can find the full back catalog show notes with all the research I did for the episodes and all the other stuff we got going on. And soon we're going to have merch. We already have the first prototype logo shirts already kind of ready to go. I want to order us a couple to check them out. Yeah, I want to order my shirt and then you guys can see me in my shirt.

That's a thing. Yeah. Content warning. Today we're going to be talking about abortion, contraception, pornography, violence, and self harm. Woohoo! Plus a healthy dose of modern American politics. Oh gross.

So if you're sensitive to these issues you might want to skip this one. Can I skip this one? No. But I'm sensitive. The real Anthony Comstock was a self-appointed moral crusader of the late 19th and early 20th centuries who served as secretary for the New York Society for the Suppression of Vice and was a United States Postal Inspector with full authority to arrest people and even carry a firearm.

Oh, that sounds... So, they gave this guy a gun and a badge. So he's gonna shoot you about your mail? Yes. Jesus fucking Christ. He was so infamous that you can find the word comstockery in the Merriam-Webster dictionary. Eww. Quote, comstockery, noun.

One, strict censorship of materials considered obscene. 2. Sensorious opposition to alleged immorality, as in literature." Yeah, I hate it. So literally, he hits his own word. Yeah, fucking I hate it. Hate it, hate it, hate it. Now, to be fair, the name Comstock cannot be directly found in Project 2025. Which, by the way, for anybody who hasn't heard about it over and over again recently or is listening sometime in the future, project 2025 is the heritage foundation, which

is a conservative think tank. It's their guide for the next president whose name rhymes with rump. But to be even more fair, Comstock is referenced by statute. So look on page 594 of project 2025's mandate for leadership, which I will now read in a Ben Shapiro-y kind of voice. If I throw up. Yeah, Kevin probably should have left you a bucket for this. Oh my God. So yes, we're going to read from project 2025 now. Quote, announcing a campaign to enforce the criminal prohibitions in 18 US Code 1461 and 1462 against providers and distributors of abortion pills that use the mail. Federal law prohibits mailing every article, instrument, substance, drug,

medicine, or thing which is advertised described in a manner calculated to lead another or to use it to apply producing abortion. Following the Supreme Court's decision in Dobbs, there is now no federal prohibition for the enforcement of the statute. The Department of Justice and the next conservative administration should therefore announce its intent to enforce federal law against providers and distributors of such pills." Unquote. Oh my God. So that's word for word from project 2025. Now those two laws reference 18 USC 1461 and 1462 were part of a broader package that all the newspapers at the time called the Comstock act.

Yeah. I have heard the so heard conservative fucking pundit pieces of shit. Like Carrie Lake used the Comstock act. So the Comstock act is referenced, is referenced but Comstock himself is largely forgotten But we're now going to remind everybody who this was and if we should be listening to him You know all these well over a hundred years later. I say no. Yeah, good call But let's talk about it. Anyway, so back then once again, we're going way back into the 19th century They made it illegal to use the US Postal Service to mail anything declared obscene subject to, you know, whatever

that means. Well, yeah, it literally could be a fucking woman showing her ankles 100 years ago, I mean, or wearing pants. That could be obscene. Fuck you. It was that 70s Supreme Court case, I think, where somebody's like, well, I don't know, but I know it when I see it, as in there is no definition of obscenity. It's just purely opinion.

But so in other words, Comstock Act makes it illegal to do anything obscene as well as anything that can be used to perform an abortion or any document providing information about how to perform said procedure. And if that wasn't bad enough, many states adopted even stricter Comstock laws that made providing contraception or even information about how to prevent pregnancy also illegal. So if you literally just mail a piece of paper in the mail telling a woman how to not get pregnant, you could be arrested under these laws. Well, yeah, because we're supposed to be nothing but baby machines. So does any of this sound familiar?

It sounds too familiar. I don't like it. It's a Brillo pad against my feminist little soul. I'm going to show you a picture of Mr Comstock and so you can describe what he looks like for our listeners. This is this is today's. Well, I mean the good news is is nobody wants to fuck this bald motherfucker. Although his stash is epic. He is completely bald, but there is so much fucking hair.

The epic mutton chops. On his mutton chop face. And his chin is left, because it's like, I guess he has like a little cleft in his chin. He's like bowling ball head. He does, but it's like whoop. It's almost like his face wants to smile, but he doesn't. And if you want to have some fun, just search Comstock political cartoons because the cartoonists today had fun with this guy. Oh, I'm sure.

And I'm sure they were like, you can't get it in the mail because it's super obscene. And he was a hated figure by many, unless you were a super religious. Well, and right now he's hated by many just in general. Anyone who's fucking invoked this act is an enemy of fucking women. As described in an article published by Stanford University Press, quote, you can say this on air if we want to, but you know, before you start quoting something, I think I need to hit my vape of weed. As described in an article published by Stanford University Press, quote, Comstock was active

throughout the end of the 19th century and into the 20th. He opposed women's suffrage, the dissemination of any information regarding birth control or abortion, and pornography or other obscene, lewd, or lascivious material. Thousands were arrested under the act, and Comstock himself boasted that 15 people were driven to suicide by his actions.

Unquote. Wow. Just wow, yeah. Opening. He Just wow. Yeah. Opening description. He's the enemy of women. And especially in part two, we will literally talk about specifically which women he went after under the circumstances in which they killed themselves because of what a massive piece of shit he was. Oh goody. But we're still, we're just in the summary portion right now. It took decades after his death for America to strip away a road or begin to ignore the Comstock laws.

And now goons from the heritage foundation want to bring it all back to make America great again. Well, yeah, they want to fucking take America back before women had goddamn rights. Yeah. And then roll it back before slavery, you know? Yeah. I mean, they really want to just roll it back 250 years because they are total fucking pieces of shit allow me to suggest that perhaps these guys even want to step further and really really like that monarchy stop it I'm gonna feed I'm gonna throw up so gonna throw up I was

reminded strongly of our old pal Matthew Hale when researching this story and for more than one reason and at least one of my sources would probably agree. From The American Mind in Action by O'Higgins and Reid. Quote, if he had lived in earlier Puritan days he might easily have been a distinguished governing figure and a tower of righteousness in public life, though his name would probably have come down to us horribly associated with the cruelest excesses of the New England witch hunts." So in other words, this guy had a very powerful personality, he clearly got a following, and in an earlier day he would have done even better, but he also would have totally hung

or burned women. Yeah, he would have burned women, or murdered them. Like Matthew Hale totally did. If he would have been given the chance. Fuck this guy so, so hard. Now, speaking of sources, there are plenty and if you go to our website after this episode drops, you'll see the whole list, but let's just name a few up top. Anthony Comstock, Roundsman of the Lord is both a biography and gleeful roast of the man written in the 1920s. This is only like 12 years after he

died, a couple of dudes decided we need to just trash Comstock, and it's so good. Okay, that sounds fun. Yes, and it is its public domain, so you can find this book freely available online, and it is written in delicious fashion. I had a lot of good quotes in this episode from Roundsman of the Lord. I also recommend Amy Son's work, The Man Who Hated Women, which paints a picture of Comstock by focusing on the women he persecuted. So she did, instead of making it all about him, she really highlights the work of all these women who were working at the time to provide health care to other women.

Yeah, the women he tried to destroy. So she lifts them up, but also tells about how he ruined them or tried to it depends on Each one is a case by case But if you've ever heard of a lady named Margaret Sanger comstock He was one she was one of his big targets that we'll talk about in part two I can't say I'm looking forward to it, but you know, so yeah I know you're not looking forward to but we're gonna go ahead and talk about this mutton shopped mastodon of morality Let's get into it. So first we wind the clock all the way back to March 7th 1844 and whoosh to the village of New Canaan in Fairfield County, Connecticut

The joyous day that Thomas and Polly Ann Comstock brought a bouncing baby boy into their growing family Anthony Armstrong Comstock. This is only the 40s? Yes. This asshole was in the 40s? He was born in 1844. Anthony Armstrong Comstock. And to give you an idea about exactly where they live, they could literally see Long Island sitting in the water from their unpainted farmhouse. And it's only unpainted because of New England modesty, because they could totally have afforded to paint the house. Thomas, the dad, owned two sawmills that supplied lumber to nearby towns and had a successful farm that sat on 160 acres and employed about 30 guys at once.

Employed or owned? No, employed. Okay. This is Massachusetts, uh, you know, or right before the civil war, they were not cool with the whole slave thing. All right. Just one. This is one area where Comstock's on the right side. Okay. And his whole family. I was prepared to be like, fuck all these people, but okay. No.

This, this part was done. These were just workers, even though that's maybe the only charitable thing to say is they were actually employed, but from Roundsman of the Lord, once again, which is a book dripping in delicious sarcasm, quote, this was in addition to the small force of conscripts, for Polly was the mother of ten children, and seven lived into maturity. Both Polly and Thomas were Puritan by direct descent. They came of a long-lived folk, deep-rooted in the soil of their native state. But Polly broke one tradition of her people, for she died when Anthony was ten years old.

Though she was not an old woman, her purposes in life had been completed. Ten she bore upon all those who lived. Polly set her imprint and perpetuated herself. They had the name of Comstock, but the look of Lockwoods, her maiden name." That's disgusting how this poor woman, she birthed 10 children, and then they were like, and then her mission was complete and she died. He was literally going with the Comstock kind of viewpoint so they were writing that with a sarcastic tone like she had completed her mission like they do not agree with anything to do with Comstock so if you actually read the book you'd understand that we're literally saying yes she had

completed there it's like this tone of voice you have to read the whole thing I'm sure that's how the fucking father felt or whatever. Cause the whole book is written. The whole book rounds into the world is written as if it's praising Comstock, but it's done in this tone that lets you know that is roasting him just joyously. This woman who had 10 children and then just fucking died from it. That's yeah. Now you might imagine. So I'm assuming died in childbirth. That's how most women die was in childbirth. I mean, she kept rolling the dice over and over again. You know, these people didn't even fuck and wash their hands, so...

So you might imagine a boy who loses his mom at only 10 years old might have some mommy issues. But Tony took his mommy issues to the next level and decided to inflict them on the rest of the world for the rest of his fucking life. Oh, well, and if Republicans have their way for all eternity. So the cause of death recorded for Polly was flooding, which was a euphemism for postpartum hemorrhaging. Yeah, she'd fucking bled to death. Yeah, he literally came home from school and his mother was dead.

His mother had literally sacrificed her life to bring a child into the world, his little sister Harriet, and it was a choice she absolutely made because she was a loud and vocal opponent of all forms of birth control. She was hyper-religious and truly believed that it was her job to provide her husband as many little farm workers as she could produce before she bled to death. Well, and you know, that was her choice. I mean, that's the thing. She literally-

That's fine. You can say this wasn't like forced on her. She wanted to keep popping out babies. Well, you know, that's her fucking- It's fine if it's your choice. But it did have this incredible effect on Anthony. We had to psychoanalyze him based on this But so even though Polly was dead for 60 some years of his life She cast this gigantic shadow over his whole story according to roundsman once again Quote when she had been dead for more than 50 years

He told an interviewer that the whole purpose of his life had been to honor the memory of Polly Lockwood Comstock before he was 10 he met the ideal woman, and when he married, he chose one who seemed not unlike her." Unquote. Yeah, them Samami issues, dude. You probably should have gotten help. He went and found the woman who reminded him the most of his own dear departed saintly mother.

Jesus Christ. Well, you know, I could say that I did that with my dad. I found the guy who was the most chill and sort of the most like him in certain ways. The ways that I admired and appreciated about him. I mean, Freud, you know, explored that idea. But I certainly didn't want to fuck my dad. That's disgusting, Freud, you weirdo. Yeah, agreed there. You know it is very true that a lot of people do seek at least the positive qualities that they remember from... Sometimes the negative. Sometimes the negative.

So because of what a big deal Polly Comstock was on him we're gonna take a minute to talk about her before we move on to the rest of his life because she is such this the ghost of Polly Comstock, you know, hangs around. Jesus Christ, I don't even know what to say about that. So let's see what mom's influence on little Tony was since it will definitely inform his later antics. Charles Trumbull wrote a sloppy blowjob of a biography late in Comstock's life. So while he was still around Comstock, had this friend of his, possibly even paid him to write this very glowing biography.

And it's, the title is Comstock Fighter. In it, he describes the kids weekends with mom. Quote, Sunday was no bugbear in that home. She would gather the children round her, close up and tell them stories. These stories were often from the Bible, sometimes from other sources, but always they were stories of moral heroism. That was one thing she instilled into the minds and hearts and breath and blood of

her children until it became, for at least one of those children, the great outstanding essential in character and manhood. Purity, principle, duty were watchwords often on the mother's lips. Expediency and policy, never." Now it goes on a little bit more and more about how amazing her teaching was then we pick back up again. Harking back to his mother again, he says with earnestness, I'm not entitled to much credit if I stand out against some things in a way that makes people characterize me as puritanical. I cannot feel that the teachings of my mother are vastly superior to anything my opponents can offer or recommend."

Unquote. So in other words, all these years later, it's like no matter what people had to say to him or why he was hurting people or doing something wrong, he's like, No, I'm just following what my mother taught me. Yeah, dude. Like when he's like 70. Dude, maybe you shouldn't have to take everything so literal. Now, Polly taught Tony a little poem that he'd recite for the rest of his life. Mm-hmm.

Build it well, what e'er you do. Build it straight and strong and true. Build it high and clean and broad. Build it for the eye of God. Okay. That's how he's like telling telling chanting this in his head all the time as he goes about his business. I mean, there's nothing even wrong with that. You just don't have to be a fucking weirdo. Yeah, that he has a real problem with that. You're going to find out he's a real problem with that being a fucking weirdo. This guy that is the problem of religious nutbars is they have a real issue. You're going to issues of being a weirdo. You're going to detect some JD Vance levels of weirdness.

Oh, well, I'm sure. I'm sure that he fucking jacks off to this dude at night. That fucking... We're going to get into that. I hate him. I hate him so much. All right. So while it's almost all positive, it does appear that his mother wasn't pleased with

the influence of other kids or the hired farm hands they had on young Tony. You can imagine these rough worker guys hanging out the farm cussing and talking about women and they're drinking and smoking on their breaks and... Yeah, I mean he was like... And he was a growing farm boy with a big ass family. Oh, no, he might have secular experiences. Well, and once again, remember, she died. This is how she's feeling before he's even 10, because she's gone after this. Just a little boy.

I mean, she was just trying to protect her little boy. I'm sure she didn't mean for him to be a fucking nut job. It's like, yeah, I don't want my nine-year-old smoking Marlboro's. It's like, that's reasonable. So continuing from Comstock Fighter by Trumbull, quote, While the boys' childhood days were chiefly filled with things that make for good, there were vicious characters in school and on the farm, some of the hired help being abundantly so, which were a great sorrow to the mother. Mr. Comstock bears testimony to the common experience of many when he says that certain things that were brought into his life in those boyhood days

started memories and lines of temptation that are harder for him to overcome than anything that ever came into his life in later years Unquote certain things We don't know what those certain things are but we can make we have some guesses. Jesus Christ He was like I can't handle any kind of pornography It's like eight or nine years old certain things were introduced in his life that fucked with him for the rest of his life But he but he's never said out loud, we have to puzzle piece this together as we go. This is definitely not the last time

we'll hear about Tony succumbing to temptation. Being a good New England Puritan, Polly instilled in Tony a preference for simple church services focusing on the repentance of sin. And after she died, he could only worry about his own mortality and the state of his own soul from Roundsman. Quote,

It was a wintery faith in which Anthony Comstock was nurtured. The threat of hellfire crackled within and outside was the bitter wind. Four times every Sabbath he heard the dread tale of damnation before he returned home to eat his pie and milk and sleep upon the promise of a searing fire, which should be everlasting. Perhaps with brain and belly crammed he sometimes dreamt and cried out in the night for Polly. Whether or not she came for him it would be hard to say. For like God she had many children." That was harsh. These guys really hated him. Making fun of him for crying for his mom

hated him. Making fun of him for crying for his mom, 10 years old. I don't know if even I could go there. It's a shame that Comstock's diaries and personal letters have been lost, but thankfully we got some juicy excerpts from the book Roundsman of the Lord because they're the the last ones who had access to his personal documents. Now one journal from 1871 gives us a warning, quote, to anyone finding this book out of my possession, it contains nobody's business but my own, and no one should meddle or read therein unless I invite them to do so, and then should go no farther, unquote.

Ooh, he didn't want his personal. Yeah, baby, Tony Comstock thinks we should respect his privacy. Oh, okay. And I think we should respect it just as much as he did to the many, many people whose lives he gleefully ruined. Yeah, no, fuck that. I literally hope his diaries were printed, you piece of shit. Yeah. Well, the sad news is the diaries were lost. And then sent through the mail. The diaries were lost but not only did Roundsman of the Lord quote them, they literally reproduced in his own handwriting a number of sections. So you can literally see his bad spelling and shitty handwriting for yourself

if you want. I don't like this guy. Continue. So we're gonna ignore his warning and I'm gonna read a bunch of stuff from his diary this episode. Fuck this guy. Exactly. Like any good New England farm boy, Tony's days started at four o'clock in the goddamn morning to feed livestock, chop wood, and go about other wholesome farm chores, you know, in the middle of the damn night. But he got to escape backbreaking labor so he could walk half a mile to school. And we know from quotes related to his mother's shame that the boys at school were somehow bad influences on Tony. And apparently he got in trouble all the damn time. Trumbull's biography describes him receiving quote, plenty of lickings that

he undoubtedly deserved unquote. And like any good country boy he had to pick his own switch but he would cut a little notch in it so it would break if the teacher hit him too hard. Unfortunately for Tony there was a far worse punishment. I hope he got switched a lot. Quote, more humiliating was being sit over to sit with the girls while wearing a sun bonnet all the while. Unquote. Uh, that's probably not good for him.

And to drive home the shame was a focus on Puritan values and a hefty dose of church. On Sundays, Thomas would fill a wagon with kids and farm workers and head to the congregational church. There would be a morning preaching service, Sunday school, a congregational lunch in the horse sheds, then a nice long afternoon preaching service before everyone headed home. You know, except for that last part, I feel like I've, I've lived that Sunday many, many, many, many times. We've been there. Yeah. Um, I've lived that Sunday many many many many times. We've been there. Yeah. Um, Church is an all goddamn day affair. Now one comstock always stayed home on Sundays to cook dinner for everyone else who would be coming home and regardless of gender So tony is on record as being proud to have prepared some of the family meals

So that's one weird area where he's not a personal thing So and he could cook again from trumble quote in the evening some would frequently go back to the closing church service of the day, returning to be refreshed with pie and milk. So it's like three, three services wasn't enough. We've got to have four. Daily prayers were conducted every morning before breakfast and the hired men and servants, as well as the family were expected to be present. Unquote. Sounds fun. Yeah. I love, I love going to work and immediately having to go to a prayer circle.

Yeah. And heaven forbid some of these people might have a good time in their spare time. Can't have that. Now when you're not at church Bambi, the dark forces of Satan himself are waiting to tempt you around every corner as we learned with the Matthew Hale story. I mean, yeah. So even though we're told he engaged in wholesome games of tag, coits, which was like ring toss and stick ball.

It was liquid vice that first called to Tony. So one night he was going about his nightly farm chores, which in this case was driving the cows in from the pasture and doing them. So involved walking past the house of this other, uh, this old friend of his, let's call, we don't have his name, but we'll call him Chad. And Tony wasn't supposed to go over to Chad's house anymore because he was one of those bad influence kids. He's a bad kid.

But of course Tony stopped by Chad's place anyway. And Chad pulled out a jug of homemade hooch and the boys hung out and got shit faced. Like you do. Yeah, like you do. Sounds the most normal thing we've heard so far. He was a teenager that got shit faced with a friend. That is that's completely normal. Hell, I was I had a margarita last night. Zero regrets. From Comstock Fighter. Anthony felt somewhat hilarious that evening at home and was glad to get to bed. The next morning he had quite a head when he woke up but he got up and he and his father

retired to the cow shed. That was the only time he remembers ever having drunk liquor as a beverage in his life. The Reformation was quick, drastic, complete." Unquote. So it gave him a really bad day and he was like, no I'm not doing this again. No yeah he he got drunk, passed out, woke up with a massive bad day and he was like, no, I'm not doing this again. No, yeah, he got drunk, passed out, woke up with a massive hangover, and then his dad kicked the shit out of him. That's what brought him behind the shed, is you know what that means in the South.

Yeah, I mean, as one does, but that's, see, again, all that seems normal. He should have just continued on with his fucking life instead of being a weirdo, but whatever. So now we're gonna see how like all this stuff hasn't affected him. This is the most normal thing that I've heard so far. So now the idea is you have to draw a line

from this incident to things he does in the future. Now- So instead of just being like, hey, I had a normal fucking life experience, he was just like, oh my God, now I need to prevent everyone on the planet from drinking liquor. This can't happen to anyone.

All right, so now Tony had moved out on his own by the time he was 18 years old in 1862 and he was working as a clerk in a Country store in Winnipeg, Connecticut And this is when he first took action to save others an Irish customer ran into the store screaming about a mad dog Roman around town that who would be biting the. And to be fair, a rabid dog in the 19th century is especially bad news. Like legit, that has to be put down to keep people safe. Yeah, we need to find that fucking dog and, and, and yeah, destroy it. So this isn't a criticism. So 18 year old Tony, you know, told the guy to watch the store, grabbed a rifle and a pistol and set out on the hunt. He asked other young men in the village to

join him, but only he had the intestinal fortitude. Yeah, because they didn't want to get bit by a rabid dog. Now as he as he continued his investigation, Tony learned the dog was a foaming at the mouth mastiff that belonged to a local saloon owner. Oh Jesus. That's a big ass dog. Tony tracked the dog down and gave it the old Christy gnome Body shot with the rifle and a pistol to the head and he said I hated that dog While putting down a dangerous animal is necessary

Killing it didn't satisfy the anger Tony felt and what's not necessary is what he does next So the local saloon owner had a kind of a reputation the reputation for trading groceries for booze Booze Bambi the thing his father beat the shit out of him over and the rumors even said he did it with women and children He let women and children like booze like he would they trade a magazine give him whiskey. Okay, well Clearly you're not thinking like Tony Comstock. Yeah, clearly. So Tony spied on the place and then snitched him out to the sheriff, who took exactly zero action. Yeah, he was like, and fuck you.

Well, the problem is like, even if it's like, even a legitimate law being broken, who's going to rat the guy out? Yeah. Like everybody else is like, yeah, we're going to rat out the only bar in town who gets trades with us. Not to mention I'm a kid from the eighties. It's like, your parents sent you in for cigarettes kind of shit. Nobody gave a flying fuck. So yeah, that was the 1980s. How do you know that those kids in life weren't just getting it for dad back

home, which is what they probably were doing, even though I can't blame, you know, some kid in the 19th century. If he was like wanted to take a couple sips before handing it over to dad most fucking dads would pat you on the head and be like it'll put air on your chest so Comstock is all pissed because the sheriff wouldn't do anything and he stews for a while at some point later the place was sold to some New Yorkers who set it up as a gambling hall and gin mill and cheerfully didn't give a shit about their lack of a liquor license or

gambling permit so enraged Tony decided it was time to go full Batman on these guys. Jesus Christ. He went undercover asking the owners if they had any apples to sell them for the village store, but he was secretly casing the place. Few nights later he ninjaed his way in and opened every faucet to drain out all the evil booze onto the floor. Then he pinned up a notice stating the place was now closed and if they reopened the entire building was coming down. What a piece of shit.

I'm sorry. I love this guy. Apparently the New Yorkers cut their losses and left town since they didn't know who the culprit was and they couldn't get a legal remedy since they were running a very illegal business. So he ran out the only bar in town. Aww. And then all the villagers were sad. Everybody hated him. Yeah, everyone hating him is going to be a running theme in his entire life.

Comstock is recorded as saying, And that was the only Temperance lecture I ever delivered in that town, though I was a member of the Sons of Temperance. Unquote. A local wife made conversation with Tony at the store, and he learned that with the dive bar closed down, her husband quit drinking and was now able to keep a steady job. So Tony had not only fought evil and won, he'd saved a family.

He's a fucking hero. Yeah, fuck this guy. He's the saddest of Batman. And he was just- He's the worst Batman. He's just getting started. It's like we got the best Wolverine but sadly the worst of this asshole. Now sometime around 1860 Thomas Comstock, that's the dad, had moved to Birmingham. Not Alabama but England to pursue a business deal that did not work out but where he would nonetheless live for the next 20 years, including a second marriage and four more children,

total of 14 for Comstock senior. Well, I mean, he needed a second wife because he had 10 children. It would be way hard. Yeah, except he kept that wife in England and never brought her back. So it had nothing to do with his older kids who were all living on their own and with relatives and shit. He essentially abandoned the, he didn't abandon the family.

Everything was like the farm and all this other stuff he left behind. But in terms of being personally around, he's like, I did my bit. Yeah. He went off to do something else for a long time. I mean, honestly, if I were around that kid, I'd want to peace out. Be like, do your thing, dude. I mean honestly if I were around that kid I'd want to peace out.

Do your thing dude. I'm out. So this is what's going on now. So all this time tensions are building toward the outbreak of the Civil War and the family farm was mortgaged and the title held by southern sympathizers. Apparently these folks threatened to foreclose on the farm if anyone in the Comstock family enlisted in the Union Army. But Tony's older brother Samuel really wanted to shoot some rebels so he joined up anyway. And the dudes made good. So long family farm." Well, I mean... Principle is their thing and every once in a while, you know, their principles are on the correct ones.

At least Samuel's here was. I was about to say, it's like, so the brother wasn't a weirdo. He seemed like he had conviction. or maybe he just wanted to murder people and Tony is going to follow him to fight on the Union side but well I mean at that point what was the point not I mean the fit if the family farms lost for one they might as well I'll just say fuck it so unfortunately Samuel decided to volunteer for combat duty right before the Battle of Gettysburg Yikes not a good one. Well, unfortunately he lives

From Trumbull now, this is Samuel not not Tony. This is this is the older brother Quote in the first day's engagement at the Battle of Gettysburg on Barlow's knoll Samuel received his death wound at the Battle of Gettysburg on Barlow's Knoll, Samuel received his death wound. He lived through weeks of suffering, wasting away from 180 pounds in weight to less than 100, and he died in a field hospital. His army comrade, Justice M. Silliman, told the grief-stricken younger brother, that's Tony, that the brave soldiers' last words in that rough field hospital were, Jesus can make a dying bed feel soft as downy pillows are and then he fell asleep his name is cut in a monument at Gettysburg today unquote

RIP Samuel. Samuel yeah joined the Civil War was in there for a little bit and then died at Gettysburg or just or after getting wounded. You know he died on the right side of it that's cool yeah good for you. I don't see anything bad about Samuel and anything I saw. Yeah, whatever. So at 19 years old, Tony enlisted as a private and joined the 17th his dead brother's regiment on Fowley Island, South Carolina. And one of the first thing he noticed after joining up was that they had no

chaplain and no religious services. Yeah. Cause they were in the middle of a fucking war zone. You piece of shit, but continue. This ain't gonna fly with Tony. So he started a worship group, at first just consisting of a few fellow Jesus-minded soldiers, which is fine. That's fine. Now, Tony needed to keep his mind on God because all his fellow enlisted men were constantly

drinking and smoking. Vices, which Tony has completely swore. As you do, especially in a goddamn war zone. And if you're a Union soldier in the Civil War, whiskey was part of your rations. As they should be. Tony made sure everyone saw him pour out his own personal supply rather than share it with anyone else. So everybody thought he was a piece of shit. Yeah, his loving biographer tells us that pouring out the whiskey treated Tony to a

few rounds of vigorous abuse from his fellow soldiers, aka he got the shit kicked out of him a few times for being a stingy, uptight asshole. Yeah, sure. As one, you know what, I'm on the side of the people who kicked his ass. Tony would record bitter entries in his diary, all with his horrendous spelling, with entries like this, quote, March 9th, heard some person speaking against me, don't know the reason, tried hard to do my duty, will not join them in sin and wickedness, though lose all of their friendship, for Jesus is more precious than all the world, this

I fear is the reason of their hatred and jealousy." Just wait till they find hookers. He also must have been insufferable to live with. He once recorded this about his tentmate. Charlie became offended at me and threatened to leave my tent because I worked too hard. Yeah, sleep motherfucker. Why don't you just shut the fuck up and sleep. I'm sure. It's like, do your prayers have to be out loud, you dick? Now here's one for you, did she want me? Tell me what you think about this one, dated May 30th. Quote, commence teaching the six colored soldiers to spell. Methinks the most skeptical would be convinced they can be taught,

and the most rabid can confess that they are above the beast. Could they but see the spirit with which they study? Their perseverance and patience far surpasses many white people. Oh, what pleasure do I take in teaching the downtrodden of our land? Were I a prophet, I would predict for them, some of them, a future as noble and as honorable as the whitest of our land were I a prophet I would predict for them some of them a future is noble and as honorable as the whitest of Our land how true are their words when they say the white men made us thus Unquote okay, so he's on the right side for now kind of but he's also being

Really weird about it and they're rabid what What the fuck? Well, he's talking about, he's saying the most... It's kind of weird. Like I said, it's kind of hard to pin down what he's saying because it's... He's sort of praising them, but in this sort of racist, weird way. In this racist and bizarre way. Yeah. How true are their words when they say, I assume the black men, the white men made it... Whatever. I don't get it. It's worth noting that many of the stories Comstock told his biographer when he was an old man don't appear at

all in his diaries some of the words he probably made most of that shit up those stories are usually tales about how he won people over to friendship after they initially hated his guts or how his avoidance of booze and smoke made him a stronger and healthier than all the other soldiers yeah which is not only contradicted by his journal entries, but his record of illness throughout his military service. He was constantly getting sick and you know, there was nothing wrong with him. As one does in the fucking Civil War.

Yeah, his service otherwise just seems unremarkable. Yeah, and I'm sure nobody liked him. They all thought he was a piece of shit. Yeah, he only got shot at a few times and found he was not keen on it, which is a normal thing. Yeah, I mean I'm not keen on getting shot at. Yeah. Tony's journal showed he kept a record of how many letters he sent out to friends and family versus how many he received and it was not a favorable ratio. I mean I'm a firm believer that you don't have to be a piece of shit to be a Christian. That's a choice. Ben tried. Notes show he gave out personal loans that no one ever paid

back. Okay. So I'm like... I would yeah people were like give me money you piece of shit. He's like maybe I'll get a friend. Nope. No. Will you be my friend? No no one wants to be your friend. You suck. No Dil no one wants to be your friend. You suck No, Dilbert. Nobody wants to be your friend. Dilbert wasn't loudly praying So down in Florida his duties were peaceful and he began working for a group helping desperate people and handing out religious material to soldiers And civilians alike he did this work for the organization that would entangle him for the rest of his life. A group that will always live in legend thanks to the village people. That's right I'm talking about the place where they have everything for young men to enjoy. Where you can hang out with all the boys. The

YMCA. The Young Men's Christian Association. Yep the YMCA is a big part of Comstock's story, even though we'll get more, most of that will be in part two. But all it did at this point was further sour him with his fellow soldiers because the Y was not popular during the Civil War. Tony continued to piss people off by not allowing the church he'd established to be used after hours for revelry. So he's like, no, you can't party in our... Heaven forbid anyone have a good goddamn time, but whatever. As recorded in his diary, quote, December 2nd seems to be a feeling of hatred from some of the boys constantly falsifying, persecuting and trying me to do harm. Can I sacrifice

principle and conscience for praise of man? Never. Unquote. You could just shut the fuck up. I mean have you tried it? Or try being cool for one second of your goddamn life. Or just not even just cool just chill. We'll settle for chill. Just okay you're at a 15 you need to take it to an 8. So a few weeks later someone trashed his room. Good. I'm with those assholes. Quote, December 20th, moved up into a room all by myself. After meeting went to go into room all windows were closed tight, room full of smoke, bunk full of rubbish, and loaded with broken benches, chairs, etc. Boys were

initiating me. Had good laugh." Unquote. I'm having a good laugh now too. I was alone. Everyone hated you. I was all by myself. My room was on fire. So his work as a religious busybody and snitch intensified thanks to what he was doing for the YMCA. He writes in his diary wishing he had more authority to stop the advance of Satan in the army camp. And on July 18th, 1864, he made the first of what would be many arrests in his life, recording that he took the prisoner up to the guard house to be whipped, which he probably liked quite a bit.

What a piece of shit. Because arresting people becomes one of his favorite things to do. I'm sure because he's not allowed to murder them. But booze and dancing and smoking weren't the true enemy. Throughout his Civil War diary, Tony wrote entries like this one. Let's see what you think about a few of these. Quote, Again tempted and found wanting, Sin, Sin,

O how much peace and happiness is sacrificed on thy altar! Seemed as though devil had full sway over me today, went right into temptation and then, oh such love, Jesus snatch it away out of my reach. How good is he, how sinful am I? I am the chief of sinners, but I should be so miserable and wretched were it not that God is merciful and I might be forgiven. Glory be to God in the highest." Unquote.

What are you being tempted with, my dude? Let's try this one. Quote, today Satan sorely tried me, yet by God's grace did not yield. Unquote. Or perhaps this one. Quote, this morning were severely tempted by Satan, and after some time in my own weakness I failed I was all by myself Yep, he why I guess he wanted to record his failures to fuel his endless shame, but for us it means he kept a jerk-off journal Every time he took it for the whole year. Fucking hell. Oh God.

What's the name of that fucking Mike Johnson? It's like we can know his jack-up journal too. Somebody just needs to hack that website. Gross. Do you want to know how many times your son jerks off, Jamie? But we'll take a break from masturbation for a second because on November 9th he confessed an oddly specific sin. Quote, spent part of day foolishly as I look back, read a novel part through. Unquote.

Ooh, you read a novel part through unquote. Ooh, you read a novel. Roundsman of the Lord adds delicious commentary quote, injustice to Comstock it should be said that this seems the only time during his entire year of army life at which he yielded to this particular form of folly. Unquote. It's the only time he read a fucking book. He read a fucking book and he was like,

I have nothing but regrets. Sinful waste of my time. You know, granted I've read a couple books. I have thrown a book across the room and been like, no more Satan. And before we take a break from making fun of Tony's diary entries, let's talk about one of the few times he seems moved by beauty. In this case, it was a moonlit night on October 12, 1864. Quote, this evening is one of nature's choicest. Horizon unspotted with cloud. Moon lavishing upon

earth, its purest crystal ray of light. Stood on barracks, looked off over ocean as it lay basking in moonlight silvery rays. How grand the sight. Beautiful indeed. Unquote. Oh my god, he was like in the middle of a war zone and actually had like a moment of appreciation. A normal thing, yeah. He had a normal fucking reaction to a thing. I'm so proud of you, you piece of shit. But ComSoc couldn't even take in the beauty of creation without feeling the fires of hell licking his boots. so he later added a postscript below his admiration of the moon quote what glory for earth but it is not to be compared to that which is revealed in the last day there's more glory and beauty and all peace joy rest and happiness

what is here to keep us here compared to it unquote so basically at this point he's just like just shoot me. He felt so sick of the fucking army I'd rather be dead please Jesus. Well so it's more like he's so religiously weird that like heaven forbid he enjoyed a thing. He enjoyed a thing but wasn't thinking about God and then felt guilty about it. He couldn't even enjoy a moonlit night on the fucking beach without feeling like oh God I wasn't praising Jesus at that moment. He wasn't praying out loud like a piece of shit, whatever.

So this is not a normal person. So you know, considering we talked semi recently about the musical Hamilton, just like that character, Tony was all after the war, I went back to New York, except in this case, he was going to New York for the first time. And I don't think I can improve on Amy-san's summary of Tony's immediate post-war life, so I'll let her tell it. From the man who hated women, quote, After mustering out on July 19th, 1865, he moved to New Haven and took a job as a grocery store clerk. The family farm had been foreclosed and his father had remarried and moved to London. Comstock briefly worked as an outdoor superintendent at a

Christian school in Chattanooga, Tennessee. Hey, where dad was born. Okay. But became sick and returned to the Northeast. Staying with his brother Chester in New Canaan, he held a string of dead-end jobs, dreaming of opening his own grocery store. But he had no savings. In Norwalk, one day in 1867, so he's 23 years old right now, he ran into a relative of his mother as a banker named M. LeGrand Blockwood. Comstock replied that he had no money and no friends.

Well yeah, nobody likes me because I'm a piece of shit. So this relative, back to the quote, Lockwood gave him $5 and said, go to New York and find something to do. Comstock arrived at New York City Hall a few days later with $3.45 in his pocket, unquote. Okay, yeah, here's some money. Do something with yourself.

Don't be a piece of shit. And he was like, okay. But this was- Yeah, you need to get the fuck out of here. But this was an auspicious thing because he goes to New York and that is indeed where he makes it big. He, he lives the Frank Sinatra dream, but in the worst way ever. He lives the not Frank Sinatra dream. Frank Sinatra is terrible hellscape.

Yep. So Tony was in lower Manhattan with a couple of bucks in his pocket and surrounded by the dizzying variety of human beings and just stuff going on all around him. You can imagine how it all must have seemed to this guy with the worldview Tony Comstock had. So peppered among all of the Comstock approved legit businesses, this quote's again from Amy Song. Quote, Peddlers hawked rubber goods, as in sex toys and contraceptives, dirty cart la vista, or calling cards at a quarter each, dirty playing cards, watches, and brothel guides. Smut was not just ubiquitous, it was public. Unquote.

Ooh, public smut. But New York is kind of known for that, so. A lot of the porn was the kind of stuff easy to hide and even keep on your person. Pamphlets the size of small postcards. Tracks describing illustrating all kinds of sex acts. There were nude and full triple X photos that you could just slip into a pocket. There were first-person narratives written by totally not real horny women describing an aching detail just how starved they were for sex and they were definitely written by men. The stereoscope allowed

people to look at semi 3d porn photos. There were multiple horny periodicals available on the street and even mainstream newspapers ran ads for birth control and abortion and every paper ran classified ads slyly offering pretty much anything you can imagine. I just want to finish it with New York, New York, because yeah, it's like so far Frank's happy so far. There's porn here today. Yep. He's having, everybody's having a good time.

So Tony scored a room at a cheap boarding house while he set about looking for a job. Amy-san relates a quote describing the experience of a young man showing up in New York City for the first time. So this is just some generic guy describing being in New York at the time in the late 19th century. Inexperienced men flock here in thousands from all parts of the country, leave friends and relatives behind. Their first acquaintance has a boarding house or dissipated young men and diseased

furniture. After tea the question goes around all the young men. Well Harry, what are you going to do with yourself tonight? I'll play you billiards for drinks. Where are you going Jack? I'm for the opera. Well come take a drink before you go. One is going to see his little milliner, which is apparently someone who makes and sells hats, in Houston Street. Another to play Bagatelle table game for lager. Others to play Pharaoh card game, particularly if it was payday. Some to have a show at card.

Some down to Madame Vonderbushes to see if she has any fresh immigrant girls. Gross. I gotta take a pause here. Madame Vonderbush. Literally Mrs. Wonderbush. That is amazing. That is a great matter. That one snuck right up on me. Immigrant girls. So yeah, it's like some fresh prostitutes,

not ones that have been there for a long time, not the old diseased ones. It also talked about how it was cheaper for these men to go out and party at night than it was to heat their rooms at night. So until they were literally going to bundle up under the covers, they just stayed out drinking and partying. Okay. Yeah. Seems normal. All these people, they were like, yeah, I'm going to go do shit. So that was a description. Even one of them was like, I'm going to go buy a hat. That was the description of what normal poor young men were doing living in these boarding houses. Understand this is the kind of place Tony just rented a room in.

Oh my god, so he hates this more than anything. They were like, we're gonna have to shove this guy in the attic and board him up. Yeah, the world's oldest profession was well represented in New York, of course, and still is. There were many brothels, waiter girls in bars. Now, they were the ones who would- But Wonder Bush is definitely the favorite. You really got ahead to Mrs. Wonder Bush. The waiter girls worked in bars. Now, they would convince men to drink and they were literally earning a commission off

of drink sales, but also there was a side room so they could sell sex work, just a quick eat off of the side room. Street walkers hust a side room so they could sell sex work, you know, just a quick week off in a side room. Street walkers hustling outside as best they could. And this is the late 19th century, so sex work is maybe at its most dangerous of all time. So we're talking risks of arrest, unwanted pregnancy, STIs, violence, zero legal protection, you know, whatsoever. Now with many people having sex for anything but making

babies there was a booming industry of contraception. Where a few decades past Charles Goodyear's invention of vulcanized rubber, so condoms were readily available along with all kinds of devices and syringes and swabs and treatments. Women had been using syringes for personal hygiene and birth control since like 1820 by this point. So it's like a well established normal thing. Of course, if contraception failed, women who didn't want to be pregnant found they also had options, pills, powders, oils, and elixirs. And if all else failed, a surgical solution was available for about 10 bucks, which is

about $220 in today's money. Okay. And it was legal in most states up to the moment of quickening, you know, when you can feel fetal movement and was not difficult at all to obtain. And even then an abortion post quickening was almost always a misdemeanor. And like, depending on what state and local area you were in. Yeah. And you know, and it was, must be really hard to prosecute something that

could also have just happened naturally. Yeah. So, yeah. And that's the thing. So all this is going on when Tony happened naturally. Yep. So, yeah. And that's the thing. So all this is going on when Tony's taking this in. All this is going on. Oh my God. Yes.

Clutch my chest and my pearls. This was the New York city of the late 1860s. This was the big apple in which Tony Comstock and the YMCA would begin their holy war, which we're gonna talk about in part two. Joy. So here we are now that Comstock has hit the big apple he's gonna make it big, head to Washington and change our country for the worst and somehow continues to fuck with us to this very day. Which is disgusting and weird and wrong. And yeah also next week we're gonna focus on some of the biggest cases of Comstock trying to put high-profile women providing medical services for

other women in prison. Goodie gumdrops. Yep. But that's for next time. For now thank you everybody for listening, sticking with us for yet another piece of shit. Oh my god. And thank you to Kevin. Always Raven Sound Studios. I'm so happy to be home. Yeah we haven't it's it's been a few months since we've been in these chairs. Yeah you know Jamie for the first time we went on hiatus and it was scheduled. It wasn't an emergency. We actually were like hey it's summer we have things to do not oh my god somebody's dying. We still at least had a few episodes come out over the summer. We did.

Speaking of which, if you want to hear those, go to chainsawhistory.com where you can find the whole back catalog, click that logo in the middle and you will see links. If you want to provide us support with a continuing subscription or just want to throw a one-time tip in the chip jar, you know, we have to pay to host the show. I buy books and have certain services I use to help keep us going. So we haven't even quite made our base costs yet before we even talk about me and Bambi buying like beer and weed. I have to buy my own.

So and that and another thing you can do is go and rate and review us, especially on Apple podcasts, but any podcast service of your choice and go to YouTube, look for Chainsaw History Pod, the the channel and you can see our whole back catalog and a bunch of fun little short videos including ones we'll do for this episode. All right that's it. We've also got a charity to talk about. Oh do we? Well I do and at least. So for my charity this week I can't think of a better organization to support than Planned Parenthood that provides education and support services for sexual and gender-related health. So learn all the ways they assist men, women

and families and consider donating at plannedparenthood.org. I agree with that one. And especially after Comstock that just seemed like the way to go. Yeah I mean that's really the only way I guess unless you also want to say go go for ActBlue. So we don't have to deal with this. You can make a donation there. Yeah. And anything that goes against the people who want to support Comstock's policies, then

yeah, probably vote for them. But and no matter what, yeah, get out there. Don't just sit around bitching. Get involved. At least vote. Yeah, do something. And don't be a comstock stay out of it Don't be a comstock it cuz yeah, if we're gonna change it to a verb or whatever Don't be a comstock if you don't like abortions don't have one. It's that easy everybody. Yeah, you know, don't pour out everyone else's booze

It's time to go drink and watch pornography in honor of Anthony Comstock. Yeah, something. I'm gonna handle my vice with my weed. Later. Indeed. See you everybody.