Chainsaw History - Part Two: George Washington Rode Into Legend On Massive Hemorrhoids

Episode Date: July 21, 2021

Siblings Jamie & Bambi Chambers discuss how a humbled George Washington found himself heroically leading a retreat in the French & Indian War after a month of horrific diarrhea. Learn more and support our podcast over on Patreon!

I don't know, but I've discovered that if you eat half an edible and then go to church, church is way more chill. As are most things. I haven't tried that one yet, but I also haven't set foot in a church in a while. Yeah, well, I've been a big fan of edibles for a really long time. But at this point, if I might burst into flames, if I were to make my return. But speaking of snakes that are chopped up into multiple pieces, again, there's no lead in there.

That's absolutely none. We weren't even talking about that even remotely. This is the best. This is part of the format. This is part of the format is a complete non sequitur in order to lead into the actual episode to the conversation of whatever the fuck it is we're talking about. In case you haven't noticed the pattern, I bring up something completely unrelated to what we're talking about to get us to change the subject.

I don't mean to pull the curtain back and reveal my secrets, but this is what we're doing. It's about to say, well, at least the last time we had a conversation that even though it's like that was completely unrelated, but it wasn't. We were still at least talking about something. Yeah. Well, this time we're going to be going back and talking about young George Washington part two.

But first, I guess I should introduce this damn thing. This is chainsaw history. The second official episode we have since recorded one bonus episode in the middle. We are a comedy history podcast where we disrespect everyone and say fuck a lot. I'm Jamie Chambers. This is my sister, Bambi. And in our last episode, we talked a little bit about colonial America and increasing tensions between the British and French over land rights in the Ohio River Valley and the whole

beginnings of the French and Indian war. We also talked about an up and comer named George Washington, who went from being a land surveyor to Lieutenant Colonel in the Virginia militia by the age of 22. Oh, George. Yeah. There's going to be a lot more. Oh, George. In this episode, he also made or may not have murdered a French diplomat and kicked off

an armed conflict that spread to five continents and affected millions of people where we last left George. He was stinging in defeat, having resigned his commission and committed to managing his plantations. And yes, let's not ever skip or gloss over the fact that George Washington owned human beings throughout his adult life. But we're going to leave George there because George is not in a happy place. We're just going to leave him there for a little bit.

Let him stew. Let him stew in his unhappiness. But spoiler alert, he makes one hell of a comeback. You don't say. So. Well, also losing many, many battles, but eventually winning a war. We're going to really talk about losing a battle today. Trust me.

Nice. Losing battles are always my favorite. Let's hop in our stolen way back machine and return back to the year 1754. And this is two years before Britain formally declared war on France. Now remember how I told you there's debate on how long the seven years war actually was. This is why people are shooting at it. People are shooting at each other two full years before war is officially declared. I mean, isn't that kind of how it goes?

Well, we haven't declared an official always a pre war before the actual war. The United States hasn't declared a war since World War Two. And yet we've been in a forever war throughout like half of our lives. So you know, it's you don't need a pesky declaration of war to start shooting people. Just get to the shooting. But yeah, but the growth, the growing hostility was enough to make the individual colonies feel vulnerable because other than limited trade, they function completely independently from one another.

So the growing conflict spurred a historic first meeting in Albany, New York, where representatives from the legislatures of multiple colonies got together to discuss how they can work together to handle the shared threat. This convention started in mid June and lasted nearly a month, known in newspapers and to the history books as the Albany Congress. One of the first times the word Congress appears in American history. Oh, the first time we ever get those assholes, huh? Yeah, this is the first Congress.

This is the first one. Only seven colonies were represented, Connecticut, Maryland, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, New York, Pennsylvania and Rhode Island. You'll note that our home colony, Georgia is not on the list. Yeah. Well, you know, we become important later. It's fine. I mean, and to be fair, Georgia was still a proprietary colony at this point.

You know, as a perk of being friends with a king or some accomplishment or family tie or whatever, you could be allowed to start up a proprietary colony that was basically like a company that you owned. And you know, there's only limited authority from the government. So Georgia didn't transition to be a colony of the crown until the following year. So we actually sucked less at this point. Well, we were we were sort of privatized and but eventually like all of them, all the all the proprietary colonies eventually become crown colonies, because eventually the, you

know, imperialism is all about making money for the home company, home country, rather. So anyway, no one from here was at the Albany Congress. Now the main goal of the get together was to collectively improve relations with Native American tribes and provide for some organized defense against the French threat. Because, you know, at this point, the French were getting way more support from their tribal allies than the American side was or the British rather. Well, the British did suck. Yeah, they did suck more.

They sucked. They were so specifically they were all together. The main goal was to pursue a treaty with the Mohawks and other big tribes that were inside the Iroquois Confederacy. But in the middle of this big meeting of Muckety Mucks, word came back about George Washington's surrender at the Battle of Fort Necessity. So they meet in June and then the Battle of Fort Necessity was July 3rd. And the word comes back that all this.

So this is the first time that things went from like tents to hundreds of people are shooting each other. This crisis prompted a delegate from Pennsylvania to stand up and make a historic proposal. So I hope you had your Ben Franklin bingo card ready. It was captain C note himself who made this historic suggestion. And remember, he was older than than I am now. He was 48 years old already. And George Washington is 23.

He was a million years old by the time, you know, there was a United States history calls it the Albany plan of union, what Franklin suggested, and it might sound vaguely familiar. So here's a few key points of the Albany plan to it was to create a unified government for all 13 colonies, primarily for the purpose of defense, the general government would be administered by a president general appointed by the British crown and would include a grand council of delegates from all 13 colonies. The plan specifically gave the new government authority to regulate trade with Native American tribes to build forts, raise militias and trip pay troops and to create a coast guard

that also included lakes and rivers. So the point of all this was to provide for the common defense and sort of unify the system for British colonies to make it kind of standard so that they all worked the same way and related back to Britain the same way. And of course, the plan included the ability to tax the colonies in order to pay for all this stuff. Yeah, taxes. Yeah.

So Franklin's proposal was way outside the scope of the Congress, which was supposed to be about tribal relations. But the defeat of the Virginia militia and the possibility of open war made the folks there ready to discuss more drastic measures. The union plan took over the whole convention and after weeks of debate, the Albany Congress officially voted in favor, taking the measure back to be ratified by the colonial governments because these guys had no actual power is sort of like, they're going to make a proposal and then each home colonies, legislatures would have to approve and vote on this.

So and if there's one thing you know about Americans is that they love more government and additional taxes. It's what we're famous for, you know, rich white men have historically loved paying taxes. It's their favorite. So while campaigning in favor of the Albany plan, Ben Franklin had a little advantage of owning a newspaper, the Pennsylvania Gazette. He published an incredibly famous political cartoon that you may have seen before.

Oh yeah, the snake chopped into pieces, join or die. That is the one. And a lot of people associate this image with the Revolutionary War because it was repurposed. But the original purpose was saying the colonies you'd need to reunite to fight the French. This powerful image only includes South Carolina, North Carolina, Vermont, Maryland, Pennsylvania, New Jersey, New York, and New England, which was four, which was four colonies that were already in kind of a coalition. So again, no Georgia.

And in the editorial companion to the snake art, Benny Frank said, the confidence of the French in this undertaking seems well grounded on the present disunited state of the British colonies and extreme difficulty of bringing so many different governments and assemblies to agree in any speedy and effectual measures for our coming defense and security. While our enemies have a very great advantage of being under one direction with one counsel and one purse. So while Franklin is arguing that the British colonies are a disunited, disorganized mess, the French are united under the leadership of a powerful boy band.

Nice. One direction. Despite the... Yeah, it was a bad joke. But to say, I didn't even pick up on that at all. I mean... Yeah, I really tried to emphasize those two words just to make that joke work. And it just...

And it failed so badly. It did not land. Oh, well... They can all be winners. Despite the cool snake cartoon, the Albany plan was 100% rejected by the colonies. As it should have been. Ben Franklin wrote about it after the American Revolution saying, quote, the colonial assemblies and most of the people were narrowly provincial in outlook, mutually jealous and suspicious

of any central taxing authority, unquote. Exactly. To me, that's a way of saying that Americans have been Americans long before there was in America. So... Yeah. Fuck more government, more taxes. But if...

But you'll note that some of these ideas carried over through the Articles of Confederation, even into the United States Constitutions. And this is also where the first time the colonies getting together to discuss a problem happened. So... And what's really funny too is when you get to right before the Declaration of Independence is written in 1776. There's an alternate proposal from this other dude that's literally a copy and paste of

Ben Franklin's Albany plan. He's like, well, instead of this whole independence, why don't we just have the colonies unite and have a president general appointed by the king? That sounds good. And what about this Coast Guard? But let's get back to the war. So we'll leave George Washington stewing in defeat just a moment longer while we introduce a few new characters to this story.

Both of them proper British gentlemen. Oh, so they're going to be a lot of fun. Oh, yeah, the funnest. Firstly we have William Pitt, first Earl of Chatham. He was a powerful force in British government who made it all the way to prime minister during his career. And well, as far as I know, he never set foot on the North American colonies. His leadership and the strength of his personality were incredibly important during the French

and Indian War. William Pitt. William Pitt. That sounds like something we should, where you go eat barbecue. Yeah, we'll get to that. His voice carried a lot of weight in his multiple government positions over the years. And Pitt felt it was incredibly important to hold, protect, and expand Britain's North American colonies and was in general very popular over here because of his advocacy

for the rights of colonial citizens. He also had a massive hard on for war with France. So when word got back about the Battle of Fort Necessity, Pitt was jumping up in the House of Lords screaming about how they needed to do something. Yeah, he sounds fun. I mean, he's very much kind of a Winston Churchill figure of his day, except in this case, like very much the long powdered wig version. And also, you know, Winston Churchill, we can definitively say it was at least on the

writer side. I mean, when Hitler is on the other side, it's really easy to look good. It's really easy. Even though there are certainly problems with Churchill and he was 100% drunk all day long. The man. You know what? Legendary. You can drink and get his shit done, then who are we to judge?

Yeah, he fighting Hitler and and being drunk from breakfast until midnight. So once we heard about the Battle of Fort Necessity, Pitt was pushing for a strong response. He was working hard to convince others that it was time to send regular British troops to North America under the leadership of a proper British general. Clearly, the mistake was trusting in amateur colonial militias under the command of some dumbass kid. Yeah. Yeah, that seemed like a bad plan.

So now let's see how this plan goes. The man chosen to lead the Redcoats was Major General Edward Braddock, a spit and polish British officer from a career military family. And everything I've read about this guy makes him practically like a character from a Monty Python sketch. He is like the absolute stereotype of a stiff upper lift British officer. Nice. And it seems that Braddock didn't.

It's not like he had this super distinguished military career, but he had experience and he had the rank. He was 59 years old when he received orders to sail for Virginia with two full regiments of British regulars in February, 1755. So now we jumped all the way to the next year, Washington's now 23 years old, no, or 24. 24. 23 or this year returns 24.

The age of wisdom, 24. So we're a little bit, you know, there's some delay, you know, from when things go to tits up and when Braddock shows up. So I feel like we should always put unexperienced children in charge. It's going to end up glorious every time. Well, once again, you'll have to make your own judgment on where everything lands once you get to the end of this. But you can at least understand where they're coming from at this moment and why they think

the things that they do. So months of planning and preparation took place for a multi pronged attack on the French. Others would lead attacks on Fort Niagara, where you can guess where that is, Crown Point near Lake Champlain and the Bay of Fundy between New Brunswick and Nova Scotia. Fundy. The Bay of Fundy, where you go to. That sounds like somewhere you'd want to be. Yeah, I could see.

The Bay of Fundy. That's where people summer. Yeah. Well, we need to be there. I have no idea where this place is. Probably not if it's in Nova Scotia. Yeah. As I said, you'd have to go in summer if you want to enjoy the beach because otherwise,

yeah. So Braddock himself would lead troops against the Grand Prize Fort Duquesne at the Forks of the Ohio River. So you know, that's where George's older brother Lawrence had first proposed building the fort way back when and originally before Fort necessity. Well, yeah, this is before Fort necessity. And there's actually when they sent those guys to that spot and they tried to build Fort Trent and the French showed up and kick them out and bought all of their gear.

Very civilized. It was very civilized way of it's sort of embarrassing. I was like, we feel so sorry for you. We're going to pay you to leave. So anyway, at this point, so now they're going after Fort Duquesne, which is the French stronghold. There was a bunch of administrative squabbling and arguing over who was responsible for what, pretty much par for the course. But it was eventually time to get men into the field and kick some French ass.

So now we're going to rejoin our hero. Let's get back to George. George. George. So where we after he's been like living in shame, we're going to get back to Washington as he first kind of shows back up again after the disastrous campaign is second one into the wilderness. He was humiliated in defeat, forced to endure criticism and his leadership and from people

completely refusing to acknowledge that it wasn't just Washington. It was the decisions of Governor Dinwiddie and the Virginia legislature that decided to send George into the field with a few hundred poorly equipped badly trained drunks. But despite all that, there were still a few things in his favor when it came to the records of his military service. For one thing, George did state incredibly brave and calm in the face of danger and even during certain defeat. Washington was strangely comfortable being shot at and his steady resolve, no matter

what the circumstances meant, those who served with him always came away with respect. Like the people who are always there with him were like, damn Washington. He is unfazed. He's crazy. Yeah. He is unfazed by danger and he's persistent. He's goal oriented. And also at this point, he had pretty much more experience than anyone else on how warfare

goes in the North American wilderness. So when he arrived back in Williamsburg, everyone was already talking shit about his defeat and surrender. Governor Dinwiddie kind of talked out at both sides of his mouth locally. He was politicians do. I know exactly. So locally, he accused Washington of disobeying orders to not engage the French. And then meanwhile, when he's communicating back to London, he is downplaying the engagement

and also praising the judgment and bravery of the Virginia militia and while also whining about lack of support from the neighboring colonies, which is what Ben Franklin was talking about. Over time, the initial condemnation reversed, though, as the story of the doomed men fighting bravely at Fort Necessity under the calm and competent command of Lieutenant Colonel Washington kind of spread around because enough survivors were talking in the local taverns and such. So like over time, the initial shit talk completely flipped around.

By September, the Virginia House of Burgesses paid special tribute to Washington for late gallant and brave behavior during the crisis. Some of George's open critics wrote him letters of apology. Damn. Yeah, somehow George managed to dive face first into a pile of shit and come up smelling like roses. Sounds about right. However, the government did decide to break up the Virginia regiment into separate independent

companies and declared that Captain would be the highest colonial rank. That meant that George would have to accept a demotion if he wanted to stick with military service and knowing his pride. You can imagine how well that went over like kind of wanting to start his own government kind of pride. Yeah, like, you know, do you want to go from being Lieutenant Colonel to a captain leading a lot less men and of course lower pay commensurate, blah, blah, blah, not that he accepted pay before anyway, even though he should have as he as he should have and we're going to

continue to talk about this. As we said last time, George resigned his commission and headed back to Mount Vernon. But before you think that George was truly giving up on the military life, it's worth noting that it was after his resignation that he ordered a brand new fancy military uniform from London, complete with crimson sashes and gold lace. So he just bought himself a uniform anyway. Yeah. Fuck y'all.

Well, yeah. Well, he's like, he knows that he's just he's hitting the pause button. He's like, this isn't the right moment for me to jump back. But my moment will come and I'm going to look fucking awesome when it does. Because once again, George liked to dress fancy. He liked his lace and his gold and his sashes and shit. Fancy pants. Fancy pants.

He was George Fancy Pants Washington. So as mentioned last time, George's sister-in-law remarried following his brother's Lawrence's death and then his little niece Sarah died, leaving him in control of Mount Vernon and the 18 human beings who lived and worked there in bondage. At first he set himself into running the plantation at a profit. George had you like his very first tobacco crop. He had to pay a bunch of hogs heads full of tobacco as his rent plus still pay all his own expenses and he was going into this with a challenge of management on his hands.

But he kept a careful ear out for news about the military campaign and it wasn't long before he learned about the impending arrival of Major General Braddock. Always looking for an opportunity to advance, George wrote a letter of introduction and whatever Braddock's opinion of Washington's command from the prior campaign, he was smart enough to realize that George's knowledge and experience of the Ohio wilderness made him extremely valuable. So he asked George to join his staff as aid to camp. This is the same position Alexander Hamilton held under Washington years later in the

Revolutionary War. So he's the Hamilton to Braddock's Washington. Okay, which... Or at least that's the position offered to him. He's in a terrible place to be. Yeah. Washington responded to the general's assistant with his now trademark combination of humility and flattery.

And because George Washington's from Virginia, I'm going to give him a nice southern accent here. Quote, it is true, sir, that I have ever since I declined my late command expressed an inclination to serve the ensuing campaign as a volunteer. And this inclination is not a little increased since it is likely to be conducted by a gentleman of the general's experience. But besides this and the laudable desire I may have to serve with my best abilities, my king and country, I must be ingenious enough to confess that I am not a little biased by

selfish considerations. To explain, sir, I wish to earnestly attain some knowledge in the military profession and believing a more favorable opportunity cannot offer than to serve under a gentleman of general Braddock's abilities and experience it does as may reasonably suppose, not a little contribute to influence my choice, unquote. So basically he's saying, I did resign, but I'm really interested in a military career and gosh, Braddock, you're so cool and awesome and experienced, I would be lucky to learn under a guy like you.

Blue Brown knows that he's never heard. He has got his nose firmly jammed up Braddock's ass crack at this moment. But he knows what he wants and he's going after it. I mean, George is very goal oriented as a young man. So once again, George decided to accept military service but decline the paycheck, preferring to serve as a volunteer. For one thing, it allowed him to accept the demotion in rank while still effectively giving him command authority over everyone except Braddock because he was like one of the right

hand men beside the general. He could still tell everybody else what to do and the general's name all while he only had to listen to one guy. So it was a pretty shrewd, really nice place to be. It was the same lesson Hamilton learned all those years later that it's being a secretary sounded like a bad job until you got it. And then he realized how important you were. So he on paper didn't really have any command authority, but realistically, he's constantly

giving people orders. It also allowed him some wiggle room to attend to the business of the plantation before going full time into the upcoming wilderness campaign and his overbearing mother showed up in his doorstep to try to stop her son from any further military service. I've skipped over a bunch of his mother's bullshit in this story, but she she does not want him to be in the army. She wants him to be a fucking farmer, which, you know, I mean, he was rich. He was doing that too.

So at this point, he's a grown ass man who owns three properties. But at this and still his I don't have to listen to you, mom. Yeah, except he was she was such a pain in the ass that George missed a big meeting with Braddock's top aide and had to write an embarrassing letter of apology. I read it. It sucked. Ultimately, ultimately, George was able to settle things so that his brother Jack took over management of his property for three years.

In May, George officially joined up with General Braddock. Letters reveal that he didn't think it was likely he would see any real military action, but just saw this as a career stepping stone. And he was both wrong and right in ways he never could have predicted because I'll give you a hint. They do see some action. Oh, yeah, I'm sure George found some things to like and admire in the short and tubby Braddock, who was more straightforward than many British officers when issuing orders

and dealing with his men. The major general was brave and plain spoken and enjoyed the respect of those around him, but he was also impulsive, brash, rude and always convinced of his own correctness in every situation. He also held the colonial government in absolute contempt and was convinced in the mainland English superiority, completely uninterested in the difficulties Virginians had to meet his military needs. Oh, all this sounds really gross.

Washington once wrote of Braddock, quote, once committed to an opinion, he refused to back down, let it be ever so incompatible with reason or common sense, unquote. I have no idea what that would be like. Yeah, I know, right? What would be a like to deal with someone who was so unbelievably stubborn that reality doesn't even like a narcissist who's convinced that he and mainland English and only he is right? Yeah, what what would that be like?

Poor George. We have no idea. The general was accustomed to the open battlefields of Europe. So he wanted to level every hill, build extensive roads and bridges for every mile of terrain they marched. The officers rode in wagons not remotely suited to the territory and they were overburdened with artillery and supplies. The British troops crawled along at an average two miles per day.

And meanwhile, Fort Duquesne is getting like reinforcements and upgrades every single day while the British army is just slowly transforming the landscape as it crawls along. That sucks. Yeah, that just all sounds terrible. Yeah, Braddock ignored advice about how about the guerrilla tactics abused by the French and their tribal allies. Washington tried to caution his new boss but was completely rebuffed. And you still got your Ben Franklin bingo card because he also tried to caution Braddock

in writing against Indian ambushes. But you can probably you can probably guess the general's reaction. Yeah, he probably didn't listen because you know, he knows right. He knows the correct course. Quote, these savages may be a formidable enemy to your raw American militia, but upon the king's regular and disciplined troops, it's impossible they would make any impression. In other words, you guys got your asses kicked because you're colonials. But these are real British troops from the real mother country.

Oh, they're going to be so much better. It's fine. He patted Washington and Franklin on the head and says, I know what I'm doing. You don't. You kick. Yeah. In unfamiliar terrain. Yeah.

As they reach the truly mountainous terrain, because remember, this is the fucking Appalachians, Braddock began to slowly realize some of his aid to camp's wisdom in traveling lightly. So out of the 3000 guys they have with them, they sent 800 lighter equipped dudes ahead as an expeditionary force to kind of see what's going on, but in enough numbers that they could handle action if they saw it. George was finally gaining a measure of respect from his commanding officer. Now baby, in case we haven't fully shattered the American image of George Washington as a marble statue God that did not suffer from normal human frailties, this one should probably

do it. I was about to say he's already been sick a whole bunch of times. In mid June, George suffered an illness that began with fever and blinding headaches, but quickly descended into his bowels. An epidemic of dysentery spread among the troops and Washington was not immune. He did his best to keep up with his duties, but explosive diarrhea and massive hemorrhoids. So he was having duties with his duties? Yeah, we're talking like I said explosive diaries, painful hemorrhoids, not really compatible

with staying in a saddle all day long. So George got, George got shoved inside a covered wagon to lay in his back as he moaned while it was bouncing along, you know, this horrible terrain, not sure if he was going to shit himself to death as already had happened to many others. Yep. Yep. Worse sounds fun. The general gave George powdered medicine that was probably poison and the doctors routinely

bled him because of course that's the state of treatment for God damn everything. So here, take this poison and we're going to bleed half of it. So the fact that he's not dead is some kind of miracle all by itself. Yes. So you can probably imagine how pale and weak he must have been as they neared Fort Duquesne. Oh, yeah, I'm sure he was feeling great. Yeah, but and he started to be a little bit on the upswing. So he'd regained enough strength to at least rejoin the front.

He was able to get back in the saddle with a little help but required a cushion for his poor swollen butthole. So just imagine for a second like a 23 year old George Washington carrying around a hemorrhoid donut and wincing every time he sat down and then suddenly it's just white eyes. He should have been lucky he didn't shit himself to death. Going into the bushes to have like a Jeff Daniels dumb and dumber moment screaming and crying. It's bad. So to set up the condition that George finds himself in on July 9th, 1755, when all hell

breaks loose in what is now called Braddock, Pennsylvania, little hint at what happens to General Braddock. I mean, if he gets sacrificed for the greater good, I mean, I'm okay with that. He's not the contic. He is absolutely a dick. A river crossing is what kicked off the fateful battle when about 1500 trips crossed the Manahanga, I didn't get it wrong again, the Manahanga-Hela River, the Manahanga-Hela River in three groups. Washington and his butt cushion escorted the 500 British regulars under the direct command

of Braddock himself. Interestingly enough, one of the groups was led by Thomas Gage, who'd one day fight against Washington in the Revolutionary War. And in fact, all three people leading the three different river crossings, all were important figures later on in the Revolutionary War. It's just kind of a weird historical coincidence. And one of the anonymous soldiers fighting in the background you're about to find out about, it was also Daniel Boone.

Okay. He didn't really do anything notable in the battle, but he was there as a young guy in the militia. The river crossing went smoothly and the British had no clue they were lining up for an ambush. All of the warnings Washington and the Franklin gave to the general came true in the course of a horrific day. And about 900 soldiers from Fort Duquesne, along with their native allies, attacked. The British regulars in Virginia militia heard terrifying howls from the trees and then musket

fire. Yeah. The natives moved quickly, fired from cover, and then while the everybody's trying to organize their guys into lines to fire back, you know, by the time that these guys, exactly. But you know, that was how you do it. You form a line, you fire and all these volleys. By that point, these guys were already gone. So just as the troops are attempting to organize for some kind of traditional battle, they

realized to their horror, the French forces had split into and completely surrounded them, using cover and camouflage to their advantage while firing at a bunch of guys in red coats and big hats. Yes. Like giant targets. Yeah. Just giant bull's eyes wandering around in the woods. And they were like, we need to form into lines so they can pick us off.

Yes. Like some kind of like carnival game. These assemble into bowling pins. It's a good strategy. So Braddock and Washington are back toward the rear of all this. So they're not able to first respond to the blinding attack, even as troop discipline toward the front completely broke down. These British troops weren't trained to fight like this or in this kind of terrain.

This was an American war and the British weren't ready for it. Men broke ranks and ran into the trees only to be shot and scalped. Washington and the general made their way to the front, even as men in red coats ran back toward them in blind panic. So you can only imagine how confusing things must have been because they hadn't fully reformed after crossing the river and the attack happened. Bullets are flying from all sides and there's smoke from countless muskets so you can't see what the fuck is going on.

Braddock ordered a small group up a hill to secure some high ground and get some visibility. And these guys are all shot dead by their own troops. Yeah, it's bad. Washington wrote in frustration for years about how many of the casualties on their side were a result of friendly fire from the British regular troops. Because they just had no fucking clue. Well, it was sort of like they got scared and they decided to shoot anybody who wasn't wearing a red coat.

And it means including all the Virginians. George begged General Braddock to let him take command of the provincial forces and let them fight in their own style. But instead, the general sent him back to the rear to bring some artillery back to the front. He's like, no, no, no, Washington, go back and get the cannon. Weak and exhausted, George and his butt cushion were soon riding all over the battle because every scene he rode into required a cool head in competent orders.

Musket balls flew all around him and rumors flew around the battlefield that Washington had been killed. And this rumor persisted even afterwards for a little bit going around. Later he wrote to his brother Jack, quote, as I have heard a circumstantial account of my death and dying speech, I take this early opportunity of contradicting the first and assuring you that I have not as yet composed the latter. I had four bullets through my coat and two horses shot under me, although death was leveling my companions on every side of me, I escaped unhurt, unquote.

So like literally he's like, imagine with his hemorrhoids and everything weird invincible giant dude, he's got bullet holes in his coat in his hat. He's he had two horses shot under him and he just finds a dead guy's horse and he literally has to get help. He is so weak. He needs his little cushion put in and people have to help him back into the saddle, but he does it. Now, 15 15 years later, George would meet up with a native chief who remembered him from

the Battle of Manangahila, I almost said it right that time. The chief told Washington he'd ordered all his warriors to fire directly at him, but not a bullet touched him. And the chief was convinced that Washington was blessed with invincibility by some great spirit. And once again, we have no proof that he was wrong. He spent huge chunks of he lived a really long life. He spent never shot.

He spent a lot of time getting shot at and now he never once got shot. Just came back home with bullet holes in his clothes. So back to the battle. He needed help like I said, he needed help getting onto the horse, but he just kept going with steady courage. George also noted that the famed British regular troops that he was so you know, wanted to be a part of for so long broke rank and fled far more often than their disrespected and underpaid Virginia counterparts.

So many officers were dead and missing that nobody knew who the fuck was in charge. Orders were missing or confused. The whole thing was a giant clusterfuck. Now George was arguably sort of already unofficially in charge even before Braddock got shot through the arm and into his chest and George was forever grateful to be rid of that asshole. Well, Braddock is shot, but not dead yet. And the rest of the staff has already been injured in this huge fight. So George is literally the only one left to order people and they carry the general

back and he's barely and he's not even standing. Yeah, he's just like conscious. He's like hanging on to the neck of his horse with leeches hanging off of him. You know, God, shitting himself. It's bad. So George gets the general back to the safe side of the river and the dying man gaffes some final orders. And by this time, George had been in the saddle already for about 12 hours and this is after

he'd been spent a month shitting himself and had hemorrhoids. I can only assume are the size of grapefruits. So of course, he's already been in for 12 hours. So he stayed on horseback all fucking night long, doing his best to carry out the general's final orders and fully taking charge as the literal last man standing. Oh my God. Well, all that sounds terrible. Oh, yeah.

And once again, the true story takes away the romantic romantic heroic image of George Washington and and but to me, it's a replaces it with a more real but still incredibly heroic figure. I was about to say that, I mean, it's almost more bad. No, it is. I mean, it's not as pretty, but it's like I have nothing. I have way more respect at this point. I got nothing but hardcore respect for that.

I mean, I'm a baby when I get a cold. Yeah. He got out of his shitting himself to death sick bed and then spent 24 hours on horseback while getting shot at all day long. So he wrote of this many years later, quote, the shocking scenes which presented themselves in this night's match are not to be described. The dead, the dying, the groans, lamentations and cries of the road of the wounded and for help were enough to pierce a heart of adamant, the gloom and horror of which was not a little

increased by the impervious darkness, occasioned by the close shade of thick woods, unquote. Now Washington's reports guessed at about 300 dead and just as many wounded, though he was probably low balling that number by at least a few hundred, which is something he liked to do. He always wanted to present the best possible version. He was infuriated by high reports of friendly fire and the simple fact they'd been defeated by a much smaller force. The French suffered only 23 dead and 16 wounded.

How one sided yet another battle was the good news is, yeah, well, when you don't stand there like a target, it's amazing how you could not get shot. You would never guess our side won this war based on the early battles because this was well technically we didn't because see these these were British soldiers doing British bullshit. Yeah. There was no. Yeah.

The Americans were not in charge. Very true. Hence their failure. They're stupid, stupid failure. This was bad. So as Braddock slowly died, he very British Lee praised his heroic officers while calling his enlisted men every disrespectful name he could guess in dying. He held young George Washington in such high estimation that he recommended his own body

servant to the young man's employee. So like he had like a butler that was his like most trusted personal servant. He's on his death bed saying, you should go work for Washington and George, you should hire this guy. He's great. And he gave Washington a red sash and a matching set of pistols that George kept for the rest of his life. They buried General Braddock in the middle of the road and then drove wagons over the

burial site to protect the grave from native mutilation. Of the general, George wrote, quote, thus died a man who's good and bad qualities were intimately blended. Unquote. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. That's kind of how I feel about George Washington.

The death of General Braddock also killed George's dreams of royal commission in the British army. Governor Denwitte thought about this later and wrote, and I never really said this before, but Denwitte is this Ponchy Scotsman. It's like, if Braddock had survived, he would have provided handsomely for Washington among the regulators. And I do apologize to our audience about all of my cheesy accents, but I'm a D&D nerd and this is what I do.

So on one hand that sucked, despite his undeniable fucking toughness, bravery and competence in an impossible situation, George lost his last chance at the thing he had always wanted. But as a wise band once said, you can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you get what you need. I think things worked out for Washington in the long run. Whoa. Yeah. By, by, by being invincible and psychotically calm while being shot at, George was able

to see things through. So even though it was a major defeat, George's role, George kept countless people alive by organizing a retreat and getting them out of there. It only strengthened his reputation and set him up as a commander that any American would gladly follow into battle. And it was a boost he would use to his political advantage all the way to 1776 and beyond. Now we're not going to go over the rest of the French and Indian war in detail. Otherwise, it would just be a French and Indian war podcast.

And I think we're just about done with this part of history. The short version is that William Pitt back in London was gaining increasing influence on military matters and spearheaded efforts to send more cash and troops to the continent to defeat the French. So just sending in more people, just throwing money at the problem and just outspending essentially is the French is what won the war because, because Pitt was super convinced about the, how valuable the North American colonies would be in the long run. And it turned out to be a bad idea because it was a very bad investment on the British

part, didn't work out in there for them very well at all. So in September of 1758, Fort Duquesne was destroyed and abandoned in the face of impossible British numbers. If you want, you can actually go and visit the side of the fort. There's actually the outline of Fort Duquesne is in a park in the city that bears the Earl of Chatham's name, Pittsburgh. Oh, interesting. Yeah, that's where that comes from.

Our chunk of the war was settled in the Treaty of Paris in February of 1763. Yay, we won. But there were consequences that would completely reshape world history. So and this is, you know, as part of the whole seven years war, not just our little chunk of it. This was a negotiated surrender with a treaty. It was not like a complete one-sided victory. So there was territory that had to be divided up and, you know, maps, lines had to be redrawn

and who gets what, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Very imperialism. Gross. Yeah. So after a month, the recently ascended King George III issued a proclamation declaring that all lands west of the Appalachian Mountains were reserved for the Native American tribes. So so the Americans fought their asses off to get this land and the King says, well, cool, we won the war.

You can't settle there. And because the seven years war doubled the British national debt, it was time to raise some motherfucking taxes. So the colonists fought, bled and died so they could have access to the Ohio country. And once the war was won, they're told they're not allowed to settle there and they have to pay for the whole war with all these new taxes. Yeah, I'm sure that went over really, really well. So as Americans are known to do, they ignored the government entirely and settlers continued

to push over the Appalachian Mountains while also throwing up middle fingers in response to the newly imposed taxes. Colonial resistance meant more British troops on the mainland and to enforce these laws and taxes. And I think you know where this is going. I have no idea what happens next. And that's it. Yeah, that's it.

That's young George Washington's role in the French and Indian War. What's weird is that even Washington's defeat at Fort Necessity, it like literally like all these things had to go a certain way for America to happen. Like, like if Washington's defeat helps spur the right actions on the other side to get the British colonials to win, Ben Franklin's Albany plan set the seeds for every time if there's a problem, the colonies should meet together under a Congress, you know, and then he proposed the kind of a government structure that we loosely adopted, you know, that we live under to this very day.

And then like, and then all these things like all the ingredients for the revolution happened and it started right here, including setting up some of the big figures that we'll see like Washington and Franklin. So it's kind of interesting, like any one of these things could have gone a different way and we don't have an America at least the way we know it now, George himself managed to live through an entire other war getting shot at never once a bullet touching him after serving as president of the United States, serving his two terms and retiring to go back to Mount Vernon.

He died of pneumonia at the age of 67, taking his own pulse. And that's it. The end. And that's it for George, young George. But middle aged George Washington has quite the quite the career. Yeah, George. Yeah, middle aged George seemed like he had had a slightly easier time. If not, well, at least slightly easier.

I mean, but one thing about this, despite all of these hardships and everything, including the month of shooting himself, George always looked back in certain ways of these military campaigns with a certain amount of nostalgia and fun. It's like a lot of people who are veterans when they younger do. And the job that George Washington hated more than anything else on planet Earth was being the president of the United States. He despised the job and wrote a number of times how much he just could not stand that particular role.

Yeah, I'm sure because bureaucracy sucks. Yeah. Yeah. Being head bureaucrat doesn't make it any more fun. He was politically ambitious and literally achieved the top thing you could ever do. He was the first executive leader of a brand new country that spawned a literal empire. And yet he hated it and couldn't wait to be done with it. Yeah.

Well, because that's not what he wanted. He wanted to be the leader of an army, which he also managed to do. Well, he was always politically ambitious winning the war was the success. Well, like that was part of it. But he was like he was always like he saw political service. He saw the military service as a political stepping stone. He wanted to be on the house of purchases was being in the legislature. He wanted he wanted to be political stuff.

But he once he actually got this top job, he realized that it sucked. It was the it's the it's the be careful what you wish for thing. I leave George Washington the way I found him with mixed feelings. But I do. I think I have more respect for him now than I did before I got as far into this because damn. I mean, being half dead on a horse and still managing to like manage is pretty impressive. Not being phased when your horse gets shot and dies and you literally have to just crawl

and find another one and ask people to help you in your inflamed butthole up back into the saddle. Yeah. So mad mad respect for George Washington and his butthole. So I guess that's going to be it for this time. We have more episodes coming soon. I'm not going to spoil it completely for the audience, but I will say we'll be talking about another George next week.

Oh, more Georges. And for those who decide to support us on Patreon, we are going to be doing a bonus episode where we talk about whether or not George Washington was a piece of shit who had an affair with his best friend's wife while also constantly borrowing money from that family. Because again, he was brave, but he also might have been a piece of shit. Well, yeah. And you can totally be.

But you be a there are lots of quote unquote great figures in history that are not good people. They great just means you had a big impact. And George Washington. Well, you know, narcissism also has a lot to do with what we consider greatness. Oh, for sure. Like people who want those positions have to be narcissists. Yeah.

Ego and it's just terrible. Ego is required to think you're worthy of a job, but it's also means you think you deserve the job and you know, we'll make you not make the best decisions. So it's it's hard to say with all that. The previous bonus episode was done traditionally. I wrote a big long script and just read it to you. This time we're going to try a different format. I'm just going to make some notes and we're going to have more of a discussion where where

I present the case to you and you weigh in, whether you think they really boned or not or whether it was just like a flirtation. That's what we're going to do for that. And then we're going to talk about a new mysterious George next week for our next regular episode. Done done done mysterious George is curious George's much more interesting cousin. He wears a purple. I can't even say the thing that I want to say because it would be a spoiler. Yeah.

No spoilers for now. If you want to follow me online, you can find me on Twitter at at Jamie one KM. You can go to my website, Jamie chambers.net. If you want to see this shit that I've written or the games that I've published, if you want to support our podcast financially and have us do this longer, you can go to patreon.com slash Jamie chambers. So please check that out also. If you check my social media that I just mentioned and we will catch you guys next time.

Thanks for listening.