Chainsaw History - The Value of Abraham Lincoln

Episode Date: April 1, 2024

Dive back into 1980s children's biographies as podcasting siblings Bambi and Jamie Chambers explore The Value of Respect: The Story of Abraham Lincoln. In this book we follow the story of young Abe, who is born in a log cabin to a life of ridiculous poverty. But thanks to a talking squirrel our little dirt farmer learns the power of RESPECT—which somehow leads to him battling river pirates, learning slavery is bad, and forging a path that would make him perhaps the greatest president in the history of the United States.Stay tuned with us on social media and discover more on our website: http://www.chainsawhistory.com

Welcome to the bonus episode of Chainsaw History, everybody, where my sister Bambi reads children's books from the 1980s that our parents inflicted on us back in the day. And they're really bad. They're, oh, they're so bad. They're absolutely terrible. I am your host, Jamie Chambers, and my co-host is my sister Bambi. And in fact, she's actually the host today.

Yep. Hello. This time I am the guy along for the ride because Bambi picks the books. I, in general, don't even get to know what they are until she shows up. Yep, and today I have picked the value of respect, the story of Abraham Lincoln. Now, before we get started, if you're hearing this and you haven't been to

chainsawhistory.com to see all of the cool stuff there, including our back catalog, our bonus shows, our bonus articles, and the cool things you can get as full members, you should sign up at chainsawhistory.com because we will send you an email every time we do a new show and you can see how you can support us. So thank you and now I guess we're diving into some honest Abe. Some, yeah, we're going to talk. Now let's look at the cover.

Yeah, well first of all, and I also, it's by my very favorite Anne Dunagan Johnson because we know how great a writer she is. Is she the one that likes to tell us what the private thoughts of imaginary characters are? Oh, so much so. Oh good. I can't wait for more of that. Yep.

So this time we get Abe Lincoln. Let me see for a second. Okay, so we've got Abe Lincoln wearing rough looking but tall boots, just ragged clothes all around, holding a big ass axe over his head. And of course, at this point, he's clean shaven with a goofy smile on his face and it looks like he's a meth head because his eyes look fucked in this picture. I know, they really do. What the hell? It looks like he's a meth head because his eyes look fucked in this picture. I know they really do. What the hell?

He's either never slept for a week or he's on something. I think they're implying that he's just rugged and tired. And their use of fringe seems to be my very favorite thing throughout the... All right. And there's some trees in the background. Oh yeah, and there's a little squirrel holding an acorn at his feet. Yeah. And of course I'm sure the squirrel is yet another one of our adorable imaginary friends. Oh of course. But yeah, so we're gonna get into the story of Abe Lincoln and his squirrely friend. I'm guessing there's no hunting of vampires in this version. Not this one.

Although, see Abe Lincoln's pretty cool. So the value of respect. This tale is about the respected Abraham Lincoln. The story follows is largely based on events of his life. More historical facts can be found at the end. I'm sure they can. So Abe Lincoln runs around going, respect my authority! No, however, that would have been hilarious. Eric Cartman as Abraham Lincoln in a movie we need to see. Okay, so once upon a time, not so very long ago, there lived a man named Abraham Lincoln. He was president of the United States.

Boom. Yeah. Big old dick drop there. Boom. Right at the beginning. Just so you know, we're not talking about just some asshole. We're talking about a president, kids. Yeah, and I mean, so far the only ones we've read, it's like, these obscure people, but

it's like, no, this is fucking Abraham, God damn Lincoln. This is the guy on the penny and the $5 bill, yo. Yeah, you can't live in America and not know who Abe Lincoln is. He just, he's a big deal. People listened to Lincoln when he spoke. When he went out on a walk, they crowded around him.

Almost everyone loved and admired him. Even those who didn't love him, respected him very much. I guess except for that one guy. Yeah, yeah. There might've been a few people who weren't super respectful to Lincoln, like half the country at one point, but this is early in his life,

and I'm sure that his local people liked him because Abe Lincoln was apparently a likeable dude. Well, no, we're actually starting out the story where he is president of the United States. Oh, wait, wait, wait. I'm sorry, I guess we haven't jumped back yet. Yeah. Okay, so this is full chin strap beard, Abe Lincoln just smiling and walking around still with those haunted eyes just sunken into his skull. Abe Lincoln has seen things. Now to be fair by that point in his life that's what he fucking looked like because he had been through some shit and lived a very sad life.

You know the real Abe Lincoln is like a haunted figure is a good way to describe him especially during his period in the White House. So anyway everybody likes him and he goes around and just shakes hands with people and he's just. He's just beloved. Everybody wants to listen to him. Everyone loves and respects them I mean the man could turn a phrase for sure one day after Abe Lincoln and his son tad had been out walking

Tad thought about the people he had seen crowding around his father, you know father said tad I hope someday people will respect me the way they respect you Yeah I hope someday people will respect me the way they respect you. I got some bad news for you, Ted. Oh shit. Yeah. It's like they are glossing over so much. It's hysterical. Hey, Danica Johnson, why are you... What if little kids follow up and want to find out what happened to Ted?

Yeah, I mean, that's a thing. It's like everyone that you come across almost is a tragic story. Oh, don't worry. Ted was able to continue to speak to his mother through the power of spiritualism and mediums. Yeah, she even could have, she even carried a picture of her dead husband. I was instantly thrown with the fact that we started with little Ted Lincoln. Little Ted Lincoln.

God damn. Okay. Oh yeah, spoilers. Doesn't end well for Ted. Or anybody. Or just anyone ever. But this is a happy kid's book What are we? Okay. Sorry. He wants to be respected like his dad and he says They will if you have respect for them said Abe

We all usually get back what we give, you know And of course you respect them first because you're all human beings I do believe there was a song by the New Radicals that was all about you get what you give And of course, you respect them first because you're all human beings. I do believe there was a song by the New Radicals that was all about you get what you give. So yeah, and then you see Abe sitting in his chair, gazing out the window, looking at squirrels. I mean, I'm not even. Oh man, there's nothing like another boring day at the White House during the Abe Lincoln administration just to stare out at the squirrels.

And ponder his life growing up. Look at that squirrel's nuts. So now we're going to doodle-oo-oo all the way back in time. Okay, we're Wayne's worlding time travel. Yump. So now- Back to that scary looking dude in the cover. Well, he starts out as a little urchin child.

Oh. Oh yeah, this is when we're starting in the literal log cabin. Which is funny because as a child, they give him blue eyes, but as an adult, they give him brown eyes. Because that's how eyes work. Well, that's when you're,

that's when the original Abe Lincoln died and was replaced by a child kidnapped from down the street That's why he's so haunted with sunken eyes because he has these memories of his original family. Sorry dead blue-eyed Lincoln Huh? So he starts out in his happy little childhood However, his parents are like dirt poor living in a cabin with dirt floors. Yeah. Famously born in a log cabin. Yes.

Very famously born, very poor, but he was very happy. I have stayed in a, I have stayed many times in a building in which, um, uh, Abraham Lincoln's father was listed as a stonemason in Kentucky, which of course where he was born. Yeah. The soil on the farm was not good, so Abe's father had to spend long, hard days trying to make his crops grow. Abe's mother worked hard, too, looking after her husband and the children.

She made all their clothes for the family. Abe grew so fast she could hardly keep up with him. He was what you would call a beanpole. Yomp. I imagine he was like five and a half feet tall by the time he was like you know the equivalent of third grade. Abraham she would say you grow out of everything what am I going to do with you?" And she tried to sound stern and severe when she said this, but she was really very pleased. She knew that Abe was strong, healthy boy, happy to play in the woods and help his father with the chores. It's like, I would love to stunt his growth, but I just can't. That adorable little scamp.

Yep. She's apparently feeding him enough to grow like that. He's getting some basic nutrition, or you don't become a million feet tall. But yeah, so they were happy. Happy poor family. Happy poor family. They were playing the stream.

Swimming naked with mom, with holding up her dress in a weird way. So we have our little. And she was talking about how lucky they were. And he was like, how lucky they were. And he was like, I guess. Being poor is awesome, woohoo. Yeah, he's like, I guess.

Yeah, that's why he worked so hard to become a lawyer because he loved being desperate and poverty stricken. He loved being poverty stricken and poor. It's like, I guess we are, said Abe. It's a good thing that some things are free. We cannot buy them if they weren't. We're too poor." Because she was talking about how they had the beautiful trees and the clean air.

See, that rock over there is free. Eat that. Being poor is nothing to be ashamed of, said his mother. As long as you are honest and you respect other people, they will respect you no matter how poor you are." That's an old joke right there. And survey says, Mrs. Lincoln, that is a lie. Don't tell your children that because that will set them up for failure. The world will judge you by your economic status and harshly. And if at very least poor people are expected, you know, to, if you're going to go out in

society, don't look poor. That's just gross. Yep. So Lincoln is not feeling so great about the fact he's wearing his shabby, you know, clothes his mother stitched together with catgut. Yeah, and for some reason she like makes all of his clothes but they're all covered in fringe. Yeah. It's like the whole family's in fringe. It's hilarious. I am really into 1940s westerns. For some reason. It's a very interesting aesthetic choice. Interpretation, this is a choice.

This is, it's such an interesting one now. All of this is an interesting choice. So, because we can't actually talk about the cool shit that Abraham Lincoln did, we're gonna talk about him being a scampi child Yeah, and one time he fell into the the stream and his friend helped him out I'm glad we learned about that. Oh, yeah a blinkin versus rivers

Versus rivers and Abe Lincoln wins river Abe Lincoln versus river was a win Abe Lincoln wins everything except bullet to the head. That's the rock, paper, scissors bullet to, you know, where, yeah. It's so funny, cause yeah, he lost so many elections too. It's like, but he won the ones that really mattered. So anywho, he was really lucky to have his friend there

to help him. Yeah, so I'm going to skip over this whole page because it's stupid. Okay. Goodbye, stupid page. Yeah, why? And so Abe's mother decided to send him to school. Good call. When you have little, heathen children running around in the woods barefoot with their shabby clothes, an education might help them out. I'm sending you to school, she said to Abe one day. It's high time you learn to read and write. This did not sound like fun to Abe. Oh, mother, he said. Hardly anyone around here goes to school I know answered his

mother but education is very important no one will ever listen to you or respect you if you can't even read or write so him and his wait I thought she said I thought she said people respect you if you respect them now she's adding extra rules yes come on mom what the fuck, as he gets bigger they're more morals. Next thing you know, no one will respect you unless you bake them a cake every Tuesday. Well, unfortunately. So yeah, they walked to school and it was like two miles. Up hill, both ways, rocky to snow. And I guess they were barefoot.

My feet hurt, complained Sarah. So him and his sister Sarah walked to school but they learned to enjoy it. Yeah Abe Lincoln yeah he took to learning I would say. He did he took to the learning. Actually they didn't learn many of the things that children learn in school today. They weren't very comfortable while they were learning either. There was only a single classroom in the log schoolhouse and the older children sat on wooden benches alongside the younger ones. There were no windows in the school and the children had no books to read. How did they learn?

They learned by listening to the teacher and repeating what she said. Now children she would say repeat after me. C-A-T spells cat, C-A-T spells cat. C-A-T spells cat. So he learned to spell some words. And then that's how he got his law degree. Yeah it all started here. C-A-T spells cat your honor. When Abe and Sarah came home from school they always told their mother about the things they had learned. Then they did their chores and they did them cheerfully. The children liked to help their mother because they respected her. She was a kind person who took very good care of her family. Just whistle while you work.

Just how very wholesome. Yeah. So you go into school, they're doing chores. They're wearing French. They doing chores they're wearing fringe they're they're wearing fringe they're poor as shit but but they're happy and fed and taken care of and everyone was happy except apparently dad children he said one night we're going to move to Indiana life should be easier there the soil is better so we can grow bigger crops.

Abe was a bit upset when he heard this. Do you mean I have to leave all my friends? He asked. Don't worry, said his mother. You'll make lots of new friends when we get to Indiana. You'll forget all about those assholes. Abe knew this was probably true, but he still felt lonely. Yeah, moving away from everybody sucks when you're a kid.

They're moving to Indiana and they pack up all their belongings and there was no cars or buses, so they had to use horses and they borrowed a wagon. No lights, no motor cars, not a single luxury. Nope, apparently not even fucking shoes. These are the shoeless four. It's primitive as can be.

All right, yep, where we're emphasizing just how goddamn poor the Lincolns are. It was a long journey and are we there yet? Blah, blah, blah. Don't make me turn this cart around. Are we nearly there? Asked Abe when they finally had to chop down bushes in order to move the wagon.

Just about said Mr. Lincoln and indeed they soon reached a nice clearing. Mr. Lincoln decided that that's that they had come to the end of their journey. At last they had found a good place to build a cabin. This patch of dirt is as good as any other. Yeah, because that's how any of this works. In fact, what they don't tell you in this book is they actually had to move because of land titling. Yeah, because, yeah. Because they got fucked over.

A thing that was happening a lot during that period. A lot. So yeah, it wasn't just like, we need butter crops, because, you know, Kentucky. Let's just go, oh, there we go. Kentucky, notoriously famous for not going to act like it even at this point in America you could just go somewhere just pick out a plot and you know like like no they actually had the land you had to like somebody

owned it and you had to deal with it yeah it was a whole fucking thing so the fact that they were like oh that we we just parked here. That's ours now. That's ridiculous. Let's not fill children's heads with some boring real estate stuff. Yeah, let's not fill their heads with the reality of the world. Or tell them who used to live there a few years before, because especially during this period, I mean, that's like the natives had not been out of the way long in that part of like the Midwest. Yeah. So they

found a nice spot and they had to clear some stuff and they had to start building a house. Luckily little Abe was already you know like six feet tall and could do the work of three grown men. They wanted to get the shelter up quickly so that they would be protected. Everyone pitched in to help. Abe was working as hard as he could when he imagined he saw a squirrel hop up onto a tree stump. Yeah, cause you never see that in Indiana. Hi Abe, said the squirrel. No need to be lonely around here. You and I can be friends. I am your hallucination.

Oh, and he gets cozy with this thing. Abe was pretending. He laughed because he realized that the squirrel was just a little creature he had made up to keep from feeling sad about the friends he left behind in Kentucky. So now thanks to the power of being crazy he'll always have someone to talk to. Yup now he has an imaginary friend squirrel. Because that's what it's important to know about Abe Lincoln. He had auditory hallucinations. And visual.

Visual, yeah. I mean, unless he just took a real squirrel and just Mr. Edded him. He had a little stuffed squirrel that he just took with him everywhere. Yup. When the cabin was finished, Abe invited his little make-believe friend the talking squirrel To move in with him. Of course he did he takes him into bed formal invitation Our union is now complete squirrel I'm glad we're spending all this time on this thing. It's so funny. Okay

I'm glad we're spending all this time on this thing. It's so funny. Okay The cabin was called half-faced camp. Wait, wait, sorry. What's the squirrel's name? Do we have one yet? Or is it just imaginary squirrel? It's just imaginary squirrel. He never goes of a name. Oh, yeah, which is a squirrel So he doesn't give the squirrel a single shred of respect by even learning his fucking name way to go Abe shred of respect by even learning his fucking name. Way to go Abe. We'll have to name the squirrel at the end once we have judged him. Once we have judged him. Oh goodness. The cabin was called Half-Face Camp because it only had three sides. The open side was where the Lincolns built their fires and cooked their meals. Father says we're going to build a bigger, nicer cabin soon, said Abe, as he and the squirrel snuggle down on his bed of dried leaves.

Dad said we won't have to eat grass tomorrow. Wait, wait, what's that? Is the squirrel having some kind of hideous str- Or is it just supposed to be its underbelly? The squirrel looks weird. Yeah, I think it's just- I've- I've seen- I know squirrels- He's a two-toned squirrel, but-

Squirrels don't look like that. They don't look like that. They're usually like gray and white. They've gone with this dark brown that makes them weird looking. That is an abomination scent from the Abyss. Yeah. And he's like sleeping in bed with him Of course, okay

Well his satanic familiar is by his side and a sleeping on leaves and dad said maybe one day we'll have four entire walls Yep, and sadly the next year the Lincolns did build a better cabin But before they had lived in it long, great sadness came to them. Mrs. Lincoln died of a sickness that could not be cured in those days. And thus begins a cycle of people dying in Lincoln's life that never stops until it's finally his fucking turn. Pretty much. Abe and Sarah were terribly lonely. Mr. Lincoln did his best to cheer them.

But you know what you need? We'll cheer you up a new mom. Pretty much. And you know what will cheer me up? Getting laid. She would not want us to be sad all the time. She would want us to keep busy and try to be happy. And I'm gonna do what mom wants if you know what I'm saying. Yep. So they're'm saying. Yep, so They're all sad. Yeah, I mean mom dying sucks mom dying sucks And then you see them like in the early morning dawn so doing their chores

Making the woman constantly reinforcing the idea that being poor is great is now gone Pretty much so now just being poor sucks, and it sad. Yeah. Mom to tell you it's actually okay. It sucks and it's sad and you know they had to like bake their own food and yeah it's like they had chores before but now they're raising themselves. Yeah I mean like literally you know they're not having mom that's a lot of extra work to do when you're a kid. I mean, they were living hard scrabble lives already survival. Abe and Sarah did their best. Yeah, I mean, it literally it's like there is his dad really needs to buy him some fucking shoes. I'm just saying. Abe and Sarah did their best, but the work never seemed to get finished. Sometimes long after the sun had set, they were still busy gathering wood

for the fire. It's hard not life for us. It is and it's so funny because it's like now we're gonna see how dirty and sad the children are compared to how they were before. The children were covered in ashes and they're just like collapsed in exhaustion. The little evil squirrel looks like he's laughing all while everyone's imagining the happier times when mom was alive and we bathed. Pretty much. And had clean clothes. Oh, it's bleak. It's pretty fucking bleak. But don't worry, the story of Abraham Lincoln has a happy ending. The absurdity of it is so funny. Alright. Children said, Mr Mr. Lincoln one day,

I'm going away for a little while. When I return I might have a surprise for you. What do you think the surprise could be? He's going to an abducted woman to take care of him and his children. Yup. He's gonna be this big burlap bag over his shoulder with a squirming, screaming woman. Why, I don't want to live out in the middle of goddamn nowhere with a few little cave people. Nope. He comes back with a very willing bride and a whole bunch of shit. Because apparently she wasn't as dirt poor. What I found family as a woman was stuff. Mr. Lincoln returned with his surprise in a few weeks. He had a new wife whose name was Sarah.

Sarah was a widow whom Mr. Lincoln had known for a long time. They also had Sarah's two daughters, Sarah and Matilda, and her son John. Sarah and Abe could not believe their eyes. So how many, so we got, so now there's three Sarahs in one family. That's going to get confusing. Sarah and then three Sarahs craning their necks around. Yep, Sarah, Sarah, and Sarah. What dear children, said their new stepmother as she reached out her arms to give Abe and

Sarah a big hug. We are all going to be such a nice happy big family. Oh dear god I pray that there is no Abe Lincoln stepmother porn on the internet and I hope I didn't just will it into existence just because I have a terrible mind. Abe Lincoln's mom got stuck in the dryer. Goodness gracious. I'm getting mixed up, said Abe's little friend, the squirrel. There are so many people named Sarah around here. Oh no, the imaginary squirrel is confused. Oh, and the one thing that-

Bad things happen when I get confused. So his new mom comes in and she brings stuff and they clean the house and they're no longer shitty. They're forced to bathe and eat and stuff. Mm-hmm. And she brought the house with her only bright happy things and will only have bright happy things and will only have bright happy times from now on.

Happiness is mandatory, children. So she's a real umbridge. That night Abe slept in a real bed for the first time. He nestled down in a feather mattress with his head on a soft pillow and he couldn't believe that anything could feel so warm and cozy. And yet he couldn't sleep a wink because he was used to sleeping on pebbles and leaves. I feel sorry for people who do not have a real bed to sleep in, Abe said to his little friend. Like me yesterday. Like me yesterday?

I mean what the fuck? I remember it all started the day before today. I remember it just like it was yesterday. It's like I feel sorry for the people who aren't me. Sucks to be you. Sucks to be you, except for me, like previously. Apparently it just sucked to be me then. Yeah, okay.

Well, I mean, yeah. It's a choice. Sleeping on an actual mattress versus leaves and dirt is better, agreed Abe. Yep, so, but he's still sleeping with his friend, the squirrel. Well, that squirrel's with him. Squirrel's with him in the end until he collects his soul

for our dark master. Time passes joyfully now, and Abe grew older and taller and stronger. Yes. He helped his father more and more. He plowed and planted, he chopped down trees with his double-bladed ax. And this is where I get to mention about the part

where Abe Lincoln, not only obviously very tall, but famously freakishly strong. Yeah. Like there are reports from neighbors during this period when he was like a teenage boy, where he would just lift up giant boulders near the river to move them aside or whatever when they needed. Like he did so, I guess just being so poor

and doing nothing but hard ass work his whole life just made him a monster. You didn't wanna fuck with Abe Lincoln once he hit like 13 years old, grown men would want to leave him the hell alone. Yeah, wow, said the other boys. Just look at Abe Lincoln. He's the biggest boy around here.

Don't ever get in a fight with him. He could probably throw you over the fence." Yes. And yeah. There are other stories about Abe Lincoln later in life. I think there was one where he went in, he went into a town and found there's like a gang, local gang of hoodlums terrorizing the place and he was like, who's the leader of these guys? Just ran over there, just grabbed the guy, picked him like four feet off the ground, shook him like a ragdoll, and then just tossed him across the room

like he was nothing. And then everybody just ran away terrified that a Superman had come in there and just picked up a 200 pound dude like it was nothing. So yeah, I wouldn't wanna fuck with Abe Lincoln either if I was, the local neighborhood toughs are like, you know what, we're gonna leave this one alone't want to fuck with Abe Lincoln either if I was the local neighborhood Tufts are like, you know What we're gonna leave this one alone. No lunch money

Wow Don't fuck with Abe if Abe heard the others talk. He didn't pay any attention He was much too busy to be thinking of fights. I am talking to my squirrel He's talking to his squirrel and the one thing he really truly loves is his new stepmother. Again, no we're not gonna think about that anymore. But he was never too busy to show his stepmother that he loved her. One day he came in from the field, swept her off of her feet and lifted her into the air. This is not helping with the case I am making Bambi stop.

Abe Lincoln you put me down right now she said. All of the heavy work you do may make your body grow, but reading and learning things is just as important. They make your mind grow. I'm going to try to get lots of books so you can read and learn things. You know what else grows, Mom? Bow chicka bow.

That's so gross. I know. So gross. I'm so sorry I started this running joke, but now there's no, we I know. So gross. I'm so sorry I started this running joke, but now there's no, it's, we're just stuck with it. Ugh. Ape soon found that he really enjoyed reading. He sat by the fire at night when others were asleep, and he read every book that he could

find. He didn't have paper to write on, so he used a wooden shovel. He wrote it on a bit of charcoal. Have we established yet that he is poor? Yes. I cannot afford a pencil. I write my dissertations in the dirt with sticks. Yes. Golly, there's a lot to learn, said the squirrel. You bet there is, agreed Abe. I guess I'll never know it all. So Abe liked to read. In fact, he liked to read so much

that sometimes he fucked up his chores. Been there. Yep. Sometimes Abe just couldn't put down his book. Once in a while he tried to read and do chores at the same time. I can't believe it, said the little squirrel. You may learn lots of things,

lots of great things in those books, but you've forgotten how to plow a straight line. Whoops. Yep. In the fields all zigzaggy, cause he's a fuck up now. Nice when it chopped down trees with a book in one hand. Yeah.

Well, you know, the trees is how he started fighting the vampires. Started with that big old axe making stakes. So he's always got a book. He's filling his mind with knowledge. So he's ridiculously tall, freakishly strong, and he's becoming educated. He is just ticking off the boxes.

Yep, and then even though the aesthetic of his long dead mother is still round, because guess what? They're still fringe. I will wear the fringe into the White House. It's just such a weird choice. As he grew older, Abe didn't always have time to chat with the squirrel.

He wanted to be with people. He liked to listen to them and find out what they thought. He liked to tell them about the things he had read and made up jokes and set them all laughing. Fuck off squirrel, I got some socializing to do. Yeah, he's got these people have names. He's yeah, I like to talk with Abe Lincoln said one man from the village. I feel like he really respects me. He wants to hear what I have to say. I like the way he explains things said another man. He makes things seem so simple. He's making friends and influencing people. Yes he is. However, one evening a wealthy farmer named James Gentry came to Abe. Abe,

you're an honest man and a strong one, he said. Would you be willing to take my goods down to New Orleans on a flatboat? Yes, sir, Mr. Gentry replied Abe. That sounds like a job. Having a job means I don't sleep on dirt and leaves. Abe never had to, had never been to a city like New Orleans. He was terribly excited when he looked at Mr. Gentry's map. It's a long way, he said, a thousand miles. I heard they have shoes there. You won't have to go alone, Abe, said Mr. Gentry. My son Alan will go with you. And I love this map of the United

States. It's very funny. All right. So we got the good old Mississippi River, New Orleans, Kentucky, and yeah, and it just sort of cuts off like halfway. Like yeah, there you go. Like you know, half of where Texas would be and up from there. Just our little chunk. So we got Abe and his much shorter friend with a goofy hat. Yes. And I'm sure Abe was much taller than literally everyone at this point. Yeah, it will be a dangerous trip, warn Mr. Gentry. They're all strong currents in the river and the bandits might try to attack you. You'll have to be careful and you'll need all the strength you have. Just show the bait some respect and they will leave you alone.

Oh, he does. He does. When the boat was loaded with cargos of apple, pork, and potatoes, Abe and Alan guided it down the Ohio River into the Mississippi. Suddenly, Abe knew why Alan's father had said that he would need all of his strength.

Strong currents caught the flatboat and sent it spinning and speeding down the stream. It was all Abe could do to steer clear of the big rocks that jumped up at them. Easy there, Abe called the squirrel. Can't we go a little slower? I can't stay on my feet. So he takes his little squirrel friend on a dangerous boat ride. Well of course and then the squirrel just does nothing but bitch the whole way. It's like you could have stayed behind, stupid squirrel. When they stop

for the night Abe and Alan tied the flatboat to a tree on the riverbank and they settled down to rest until morning. That was a rough day said the squirrel one evening. I'm worn out. Tomorrow could be just as bad one Abe. That night a rough day said the squirrel one evening. I'm worn out Tomorrow could be just as bad worn Abe that night a new danger threatened them. What do you think it was? fucking pirates Yeah, they call them river bandits, but they're so very obviously pirate not just pirates but blue pirates I don't know teeth. Yes. Yes. Well, it's moonlight, Jamie. Oh, I get it. It's the ambiance.

It's the night- They're attacking by night. The nighttime pirates. Yes. Our mateys were here to get Abe Lincoln and his booty. Which again, I'm- Okay, so I have an imaginary story about Abe Lincoln fighting vampires, but I can't get a real fucking story about how he fought pirates. Abe Lincoln fighting river pirates.

River pirates? Hell yeah. I'm for it. I want to know how many of these people he maimed and killed. Abe Lincoln just sending people flying 50 feet with his massive swings of his like oar from the boat. That'd be awesome. Yup.

As darkness fell, seven of these dangerous thieves crept out from behind the trees There's rich cargo on that flat boat said one of the bandits and they call them bandits, but they look like pirates There were only two men to protect it. Come on. They won't give us much trouble No problem at all except one of them wrestles goddamn bears Yeah One of them just happens to be fucking massive. The bandits rushed aboard the boat and what do you supposed happened to that?

I predict that Abe Lincoln beat the snot out of these guys. Yep. Oh yeah, you see them just. The two boys just go to town on these river pirates. Oh yeah, they're taking their fucking sticks and just beating the shit out of them. Hell yeah.

Mm-hmm. Abe jumped up, he grabbed a stout stick, and he swung it with all the strength he had. The river bandits shouted and yelled. They tried to cover their heads with their arms. That'll teach you to rob us, roared Abe. Next time, have a little respect, cried the squirrel. Yes, and now respect to the broken bones that you have to limp away with

Because Abe Lincoln with a big stick just fucked your world. Oh and his little squirrel friend is fighting to tripped one sweet It's always nice to have a satanic helper. Yes little backup plan I am so disappointed that I will not see this movie. Someone needs to make this movie. River pirates. You got it. I'm on it. We'll ask chat gpt to write it for us. One by one the bandits jumped out of the flat boat and ran away into the night. Abe and Alan jumped into the shore and chased after them, but the thieves disappeared into the woods like frightened shadows. and chased after them, but the thieves disappeared into the woods like frightened shadows. Maybe they'll come back, said the squirrel, but it wouldn't surprise me if they simply

gave up being bandits. He beat him so bad that they couldn't be bandits anymore. He beat the crime out of them. So funny. He just went full Batman on their asses. Being a bandit doesn't pay when Abe Lincoln's around, said the squirrel. Alan looked at Abe with new respect.

You're as strong as half a dozen men, he said. Well, I was bit by a radioactive squirrel. Maybe, said Abe, but that didn't stop me from getting whacked on the head. So Abe Lincoln has one goose egg and these other guys are just maimed for life? Pretty much. Abe took out his handkerchief and bandaged the cut over his eye. And again, it says handkerchief, but it looks like red meat. Oh, just slapped, you know, your average chuck steak just right over his face.

Or, that's right over his face. Or that's meat from his enemies, because that's not a potato. Carved a piece off of that one before he got away. So Abe has beaten the shit out of some river pirates and leveled up. He has. Abe and Alan didn't meet any more bandits on the river. They reached New Orleans safely and unloaded their cargo then they set out to explore the city Abe couldn't believe his eyes. He had never seen such elegant buildings He had never seen so many different kinds of people

he had never heard the kind of music being played in the streets and Wherever he went delicious smells floated on the air. And he's like, hey, do you know what they'll do for you if you give them some beads? Well, I mean, look at the music on the street. Oh dear. Yeah. What is with their pants? Well, very sort of pinky purple dudes and somebody's blowing what sort of looks like a saxophone. I don't know. I honestly don't know what's going on there. And of course, we've got mixed race and just, yeah, this is, you know, wacky New Orleans

in the 19th century. Yep. This is more exciting than I ever imagined, said Abe to Alan. But suddenly, Abe and Alan turned a corner and came upon a big square. There they saw something Abe would never forget. Do you know what it was? I do know what it was. It was they saw human beings being sold like cattle. It was a slave market. Abe saw black men and women and children chained together. They were being sold, just as if they were horses, sheep, or cows. Of course, Abe had learned about slavery, but he had never seen people treated as if

they were animals. Alan, those black people are human beings too, said Abe. They deserve respect, just like everyone else. These boys hadn't had it drummed into their head. Yeah, these were just poor little... So when you see this, it's like, oh, these are other poor desperate people like we were, except they're in fucking chains, which is, that's messed up. And they had the correct reaction.

Yeah, they had the absolutely correct reaction of, this is fucked. This isn't good. This shouldn't be a thing. At the time, it was not unusual to sell black people in the slave market. They had no rights at all, and they had to do whatever their masters told them to do. Someday, said Abe Lincoln, I'm going to try to put a stop to things like this. Allen looked at Abe and he believed it. When Abe Lincoln said something, he meant it.

I will beat up every slave owner from here to the other coast until they've all let all the slaves go. The end. Yep, look how sad Abe is. He's still blue-eyed Abe. Yeah, well he's still got blue eyes and he's like, yeah, this is not good. Don't like it.

Make it stop. Abe returned home, but he could not forget about what he'd seen in the slave market. He told his friends about the chains and how husbands were separated from their wives and children were taken away from their parents and sold to new masters said Abe. The black people have feelings just as we do how can anyone treat humans that way with no respect?" No one could answer Abe's question, but almost everyone Abe talked to agreed that slavery was a terrible thing.

Alright, we're all on the same page. We're all on the same page. He's sitting there talking to some people. I noticed the squirrels keeping his fucking mouth shut. What's his opinion? Abe didn't forget about the black people or any other people who weren't treated fairly. Soon I'll be on my own, he said to his friend the squirrel. I'll go out into the world and talk to people. I'd like to know what they really need and how I can help them. That's great, said the squirrel. And of course you can help them. You respect people no matter who they are. And so almost everyone respects you."

And so you see... So now he's a man on a mission. Yep, he's sitting on a log talking to a squirrel. Now I will make a vow to this squirrel that I will dedicate my life to the abolition of slavery. Yes. When it was time for Abe to leave home and strike out on his own, he put a few of his belongings into a handkerchief and tied it to a stick,

then said goodbye to his family and friends. Oh, he's got a hobo bundle? He does, he has a hobo bundle. Oh, that is so adorable, and he's still wearing fringe in honor of his dead mother. Yes. Oh, the French. R.I.P. Fringe Queen.

I've learned so much from all of you, he said. I'll never forget you. We won't forget you either, said his little friend the squirrel. He waved goodbye to Abe as he headed out into the world to begin a new life. Ron Howard's voice. He did, in fact, forget them all. So. So he's like, I'm finally rid of that little demonic helper.

Yeah, he had to basically like just ditch him. He has let go of childish things now, so no more imaginary scroll for you Abe. First Abe headed to Salem, Illinois. He got a job tending a store and at night he studied law books so he could become a lawyer. Oh, I think that's the town where he beat the shit out of that guy I was talking about earlier. Probably, new Salem? Yeah, I knew it was when he could become a lawyer. I think that's the town where he beat the shit out of that guy I was talking about earlier.

Probably. New Salem? Yeah. I knew it was when he first went to Illinois. The people who knew him were sure that Abe would be a great lawyer. Abe Lincoln cares about people and he is honest, they said. Because you know, honesty and caring about people is all about what lawyers do. Chief traits of a lawyer-dom. However, he was a good talker. Yeah. Oh, I'm sure he was a great lawyer. I forget exactly at what point it was. This is a while ago, so I don't remember any of the details. So don't put me to task on this internet. But I

remember at some point they actually recovered some of the trial records from Lincoln's early legal career and show that he actually had a pretty kick ass like he was a good lawyer. Yeah I mean from what I gather even though he lost some elections he'd always won the debate like he just destroyed them. Oh no I mean like you mean his just all of surviving writings and speeches like no this this dude knew how to turn a phrase and which is weird too because apparently he had a kind of a weird high-pitched voice. It wasn't like he had this really great speaking voice, but he was just really good at the delivery. Abe would meet many people when he became a lawyer. They respected him because he listened to them. They knew he

cared. After a while, Abe was elected to represent the state legislature. Now he's in state Congress. He is. Now Abe was really busy fighting for the rights of other people. Later he got married and had children of his own. You just can see the little timeline of his life. It's like we're now zipping ahead. Yeah. Oh yeah. Racing forward. So now he's married, got kids. He just married the most cheerful, just happy-go-lucky lady in the whole world. Just a bright ray of sunshine. Which is funny because you see him at the bottom.

Mary Todd Lincoln was like a tiny woman. She was a tiny little fat woman. No, she would be 6'3 if that's how tall she was compared to Abe in real life. Exactly. And it's like he's got the... Granted, it's like why is he as big as the building? It's just weird. Because he was as big as the building baby.

You haven't seen that guy. Yeah, but he didn't have a giant wife. I've been to the Lincoln Memorial and according to that he's 27 feet tall. For the record the Lincoln Memorial is actually really cool. Oh, a very cool place. Covered in George Monroe. There was another election for Abe, this time representing the people of Congress for the United States. While he was in Washington, he showed that he would treat everyone with respect.

Because respect is what this period in government was completely known for. Just everybody getting along, no conflicts going on. Yep. going on yep later when a man named Douglas spoke out in favor of slavery Abe argued against him he told people how wrong it was to have slaves okay and I want you to see Abe Lincoln on this page right he's all like I'm debating some shit telling Douglas go fuck himself people all over the country now knew Abe Lincoln by this time there People all over the country now knew Abe Lincoln. By this time, there was trouble in the country.

The Southern states said they would form their own country if northerners would not let them keep their slaves. Could Abe save the country from being divided? The people thought he could. They elected him president. Okay, and now look at him. Jesus. Apparently being president fucks you up. Which,

you know, as far as from everything I've learned reading about presidents, that is accurate. And to be fair, yeah, being Lincoln became president at the time, the job sucked worse than any other time I can imagine. It's just so funny. It's like they aged him a million years. He aged a hundred years and has never slept once. Yeah, since 1858 to 1860. His eyes sunk a foot and a half into his skull. It's just very funny. And he looks like a meth head now. Yes.

And that's the meth head we saw, you know, in like the cover. Yeah, and he goes from an actual smiling, cheerful person to someone who just looks like he's desperately trying to smile Just grim somber son of a bitch Well, I mean it's so funny cuz in this whole book you see not Abraham doing nothing but smile and it's like historically Did he smile a whole lot? I don't know because he always it's so hard somber in all those pictures Yeah

But that's the problem is nobody smiling pictures back then because you had to stand somber in all those pictures. Yeah, but that's the problem is nobody's smiling pictures back then because you had to stand still, you had to be, keep a still expression for like 10 straight minutes to get a good photo. That's why nobody ever smiled. A long war called the Civil War started shortly after he became president. During this war, Abe wrote a famous paper called the Emancipation Proclamation, which freed all the slaves in the United States. Abe Lincoln did save the country from being divided. He

gained the respect of people everywhere, which lasts to this day." And again, it's like, look at the little picture at the bottom. Oh, yeah. So we have, we have our rifles with bayonets, just X'd in the background with Abe Lincoln holding up the Emancipation Proclamation in 1862 just right in front With of course the blue and gray caps of the two sides of the Civil War and you know He gained the respect of people everywhere which lasted this day Yep, except for that one guy. And once again, yeah and maybe half the country that wasn't super happy about how he kept the country together

Yeah, going to war against that half. Yeah, but also yeah, fuck the Confederacy. Yeah, he put that motherfucker down. Abraham Lincoln realized that things he learned in childhood brought happiness to him throughout his life. Respect for others and being respected by them made Abe a happy person. If happiness is important to you, maybe you might want to bring respect into your life too. Because respect and happiness go hand in hand. I don't know how or why. I still think they just pull these keywords out of a hat and just sort of arbitrarily slap them onto people. They don't really necessarily, they don't do a very good job marrying the magic word

to the story. No, not at all. The writing is terrible on these. And then it's like too, and then the idea of you holding Abraham Lincoln up is this model of happiness when he's one of the more kind of grim and sad figures. Which is fat, even it's like even in this in the picture of his memorial they have him looking just fucking... He's still got the meth head face. He's just like... That's not what he looked like. He just sat down. Like he's just sat down for the first time in three days. And just give me just a second guys. Yeah, Abraham Lincoln looking tired in America. So anyway, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play? So the end.

The end because once again, we cut off before what actually happens to these people. So, yeah, previously we had a lady who died horribly, or there were consequences of radiation poisoning, but we don't wanna talk about that. And then also, of course, we don't wanna mention the fact that Abraham Lincoln ended his life with a hole blown in the back of his head by those. Yop.

And so, yeah, the synopsis on his life it's actually it's like it's so funny because again they spent the entirety of this book talking about bullshit and then it was like at the very end they just like zip zip zip zip zip throughout his life. What we need to do is talk just more about his squirrel and sleeping on leaves and stuff. It's, yeah, baffling choices this series makes over and over again. Yeah, and again, it's like- And I love the fact that we give him a squirrel sidekick, but it's not even worth naming.

Just the squirrel. I mean, even like fucking, oh, who had the doll terrifying doll Elizabeth Fry and her terrifying fucking demon doll. It's like even Marjorie got a name But no we have this squirrel and so what is what is Abe Lincoln's like biography page like at the back? Is it actually all right or do they do more bullshit? Alright. I mean Abraham Lincoln was born in February 12, 1809 in a dirt floored log cabin in the frontier wilderness of central Kentucky. He lived with his father Thomas, a farmer and a carpenter, his mother Nancy, and his older sister Sarah. The Lincoln family was very poor.

And again, it's like they don't mention the fact that he had other siblings that just happened to have died. They didn't count. They don't want to tell the kids about how many kids used to die all the time. That's unsettling. Yeah, so they're leaving out as like three other siblings that just happened to die.

Does that mean I might die, mommy? Yeah, I mean, they were burying kids in this family. Yeah I mean then again so was everybody especially poor people. Poor people of course. First they moved to another location in Kentucky then to Indiana and finally Illinois. Abe was nine his mother died of a disease known as milk sickness. What the fuck is milk sickness? I actually looked this up and it's apparently when livestock eats this particular type of flour it's venomous and it turns their meat poisonous. In the meat or the milk? It's actually they said it's in the meat and the milk. Okay so she got some bad cow. Yeah.

Yeah, the cow was eating something poisonous and mom died. The Lincoln home was filled with loneliness until Abe's father remarried. Abe's new stepmother, Sarah Johnson, and her three children brought happiness to the Lincoln cabin. But burgers were forever forbidden from the Lincoln home.

Apparently this was a pretty common thing Okay, just a risk you had to take back in the day. Yep. Sometimes milk poison Sounds fucking terrible. Don't worry. Just just drink some mercury and it'll be fine. Yep It was Abe's stepmother who stimulated his interest in learning and reading his knowledge knowledge of and natural sense of humor resulted in Abe becoming a popular speaker. He grew strong, went to New Orleans, blah, blah, blah. All the shit. Yep. Abe left home when he was 21 and went to New Salem, Illinois, a community of log cabins

near the state capital of Springfield. He took a job as a clerk. Which is why Kentucky and Illinois, until to this day, kind of fight over who gets to of log cabins near the state capital of Springfield. He took a job as a clerk. Which is why Kentucky and Illinois, till to this day, kind of fight over who gets to be the place Lincoln is quote unquote from. Yeah. Born in Kentucky, but Illinois likes to claim him

because that's where he got his career going. Yep. He later bought a grocery store. The grocery store failed, but Abe voluntarily paid off all of his debts, an act for which he was nicknamed Honest Abe. By now, he had taken an interest in politics." And they didn't mention it, but he owned the store with another dude. It was a business venture. And he was also a barkeeper, a bartender.

Abe Lincoln Bartender is another blinkin bartender another movie We could have cocktail except it's a blinkin. Yep, and apparently the reason that the The cool bar failed was because his partner was an alcoholic and he was having to do all the work and he couldn't manage drunk friend his drunk friend fucking probably just giving away booze and partying with his buddies and then he's like, whatever you are drinking all the inventory and I'm over here slinging drinks. In 1834 he was elected to the Illinois State Legislature where he served four consecutive two two-year terms. In 1836 he received his license to practice law and eventually gained a

reputation as an able and effective lawyer. So he was an elected official before he got his law degree. Yes. Interesting. In 1842, he married Mary Todd and they had four sons, Robert Edward William and Thomas Tad. Yep.

That little adorable boy with a bright future from the beginning of the book. Yeah. Abe's first exposure to national politics came when he was elected to the U.S. the U.S. House of Representatives in 1846. He served only one term. He returned to his law practice in Springfield and for a while he had lost interest in politics. In 1855 with slavery now on the national political issue Abe once again became interested in politics. He spoke out against slavery but was defeated in a bid for the US Senate seat. In 1858 he tried again for the seat in the Senate against incumbent

Stephen A. Douglas. Abe in a series of seven debates with Douglas, condemned slavery as moral, social, and political evil. Douglas won the election, but the debates gained Abe a national reputation. So yeah, it's like this one's way more straightforward. Yeah, just dry, basic stuff. Yep, yep. So now people know that Lincoln's good at the debates,

and now he is going to ride that ticket straight to the White House. Abe's reputation resulted in his nomination for president in 1860 by the anti-slavery Republican Party. On November 6th of that year, he was elected president. Before he could take office, seven states led by South Carolina succeeded from the Union. The Civil War began when troops from the southern states fired on Fort Sumter in Charleston Harbor, South Carolina in April 1861. The war raged for exactly four years. Exactly.

Exactly. Not four years in one day. Exactly. And now... So many choices. And how does it, what does it say, is that, where does it end with Lincoln? On September 22nd, 1862, Abe issued the Emancipation Proclamation which declared all slaves of the Confederate states were free. This action led to the 13th Amendment of the Constitution, which abolished slavery 13th Amendment of the Constitution, which abolished slavery in all parts of the United States. Abe was easily re-elected in 1864 to a

second term as president. The Civil War was drawing to a close. On April 9, 1865, General Robert E. Lee surrendered to Confederate forces to General Ulysses S. Grant. Five days later, April 14, 1865, Abe was assassinated while attending a play at Ford's Theater in Washington, DC, by John Wilkes Booth, an actor and fanatical supporter of the Confederacy. I'm sure dead. He's all dead, but well respected. Yep. But yeah.

We still respect Abe quite a bit, or at least... And the presidency ages you a million years, except of course Donald Trump. And of course the Republican Party, well, they cannot, ever, nothing they do is racist because they're the party of Lincoln. Forever. Forever. So it's like that nothing else counts. That's the only thing that matters. So shh. Shh. On all the racism. Let's not talk about all this stuff. So, all right, well I guess we have covered Abe Lincoln. Respect.

Pirate hunter, bartender, lawyer, squirrel whisperer. R-E-S-P-E-C-T. And RIP. Yeah. He needed that night at the theater like a hole in the head. And so that's it for this episode of Chainsaw History. Thank you for sticking with us. Again, if you're hearing our voices you should ever head over to chainsawhistory.com to check out our entire

back catalog bonus episodes such as more of the value of series like we just did or No Time for Love Dr. Jones where I forced Mambi to go through the entire life of Indiana Jones and all of the historical, you know, people and events that he bounces off of through the young Indiana Jones chronicles and then later on the movies. Which is fun, says I. And also you can find bonus features such as articles and other cool stuff if you support us and help us out. You can support at a $5 level or even higher

if you think we are worth it. So thank you. And you also have a thank you. Oh, thank you, Kevin, our sound engineer and our beautiful home here at Raven Sound Studios. We appreciate and love our new digs. And I guess we're gonna have to start, stop calling them new soon.

We've been here a little while now. Yeah. But every time we come in, there's like, he's changed some stuff now. There's always new stuff here. Now we got a table and like our microphones are on cool stands. They wibble wobble a little bit more.

That's pretty sweet. Thanks, Kevin. So, you know, everybody be like Abe, grow seven feet tall with the strength of 10 men. And respect others, including your imaginary squirrel friends. Battle river pirates wherever you find them. Battle river pirates and become a bartender. We could have had Abe Lincoln bartender.

Abe Lincoln bartender is another movie idea that is worth exploring. Yeah. Why didn't Steven Spielberg give us that movie? Yeah. Well, alright, until next time, everybody. Catch you later. Bye. And we're done.

Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft.

Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft.

Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft.