Change Your Brain Every Day - Amanda Kloots' Most Emotional Interview Yet: The Truth About Grief No One Talks About

Episode Date: July 13, 2026

On this week's episode, Dr. Daniel Amen sits down with author and TV personality Amanda Kloots for one of her most personal and emotional conversations yet. Amanda shares the profound impact of losing her husband, the realities of living with grief, and how she found the strength to keep moving forward while honoring the love that changed her life forever. Together, they explore the emotional and psychological effects of loss, the healing process, and practical insights for anyone navigating grief. This heartfelt discussion offers compassion, hope, and a reminder that healing doesn't mean letting go; it means learning to carry love forward.   Whether you're grieving a loved one, supporting someone through loss, or searching for hope after heartbreak, this conversation offers comfort, perspective, and inspiration. Watch until the end for Amanda's most powerful reflection on resilience and healing.   If this episode resonates with you, like, subscribe, and share it with someone who may need these words today.   For comprehensive brain health treatment: www.amenclinics.com Locations: www.amenclinics.com/locations

The hospital and doctors asked me to give up many, many, many times, but I was like, absolutely not. Even though he was in a coma and he could not move, I felt he's fighting, so like I have to still fight. But I was just surviving, and so I was just doing what I needed to do to save my husband. Amanda Clutes is a television personality. Dancer, model, actress, and author. Dr. Amen and Amanda talk about her life, grief, and her brain scan. When I did Dancing with the Stars, it was one of the most healing experiences I've, ever done. I was dancing up to like eight hours a day. I ended that show a completely different

human being. So what has the grief been like? I think that it is every day you are making your brain better or you are making it worse. Stay with us to learn how you can change your brain for the better every day. I'm so excited for this episode of Change Your Brain every day. We have a Amanda Kloots with us, who's a television host, a bestselling author, a Broadway actress, an award-winning fitness entrepreneur, and a finalist on the 30th season of dancing with the stars where Carrie Anaba, who's also done our podcast, was one of the judges. She can currently be seen hosting Netflix live from the other side and formerly served as a co-host of the Talk, CBS daytime Emmy Award-winning talk show.

Amanda released her New York Times best-selling memoir, Live Your Life, My Story of Loving and Losing, Nick Cordero, which reflects the tragic loss of her husband and shares an uplifting message for living life with joy and resilience. So thank you so much. Thank you so much. So nice to see you again. It's so nice to see you.

We were both at Jenny Garth's I Choose Me conference and Natalie introduced us. She said, you should have her on the podcast. Oh my gosh. Thank you, Natalie. She's got such a story of amazement, but also grief. And I read your history. I've looked at your scans. I've looked at your testing.

So I have a good idea of what we're doing here. Okay, good. What's your goal? My goal today? You know, I would just say that since losing my husband, I've been on such a journey of trying to figure out grief and trauma and how it changes you and how it stores in you and how you can work through it and heal it. And not all, I don't, I don't believe you can ever really heal grief, but the process of, you know, I'm just like such a seeker lately of figuring it out, you know, like where it goes and why and how we can learn to relate to it because it never goes away. So I think it's just, yeah, that's why I'm here. And by the way, at that event, you were so fascinating, even just walking into the room, I was like immediately drawn to you.

I was like, who is this man? And you seem to know everyone and your energy. And I was just like, he seems like somebody I need to know. So it's really nice to be in this seat right now. That we get to know each other. You grew up in Ohio. Mm-hmm. And you're one of four.

Five kids. Yes. How many girls? Four girls, one boy. Oh, your poor brother. I know. He loves it now. I have five sisters.

Oh, wow. And one brother. Okay. Wow. And five daughters. And so I'm like, loves me or hates me. Oh, you're lucky. Lots of estrogen.

My wife said I came housebroken and well trained. And then my brother only had boys. He never got to have a little girl, which is so funny. That's funny. And when I read your history, one of the things I thought was really interesting is one of the things that sort of unbalanced you first was your divorce in 2014, is that you were sort of pretty stable. Yes.

And really creating a great life for yourself. 100%. Very successful. But then that divorce really unbalanced you. Yes. That, like, came out of nowhere. And not came out of nowhere. I mean, you know when your marriage isn't doing well.

But the end of it was so just shocking. You know, I was 32 and I thought my life was over. And, you know, I'd been married for seven years. And no one in my family had ever gone through a divorce. So I felt like a black sheep a bit. And even just the word divorce is so awful. It's kind of like widow. It's just like a word you just don't want to say.

It just has such like a negative connotation for me. And so it just was a very harsh reality. And I was in the Broadway community and everybody knows everybody. And so everybody knew. And it just was very, it was a really hard, yeah, hard time. Definitely the first time I ever felt any kind of grief, anxiety, drama, pain, depression, sadness, for sure. But then you found love? I did.

Yes. Very quickly. Yeah. And then COVID happened. And then COVID happened, yeah. Which was traumatic for so many people. Yeah. Yeah.

I lost my dad during COVID. Oh, I'm so sorry. Yeah. When did you lose him? In May of 2020. Oh, wow. Early. Yeah.

Okay. And it was a great story because when I told him I wanted to be a psychiatrist, He asked me why I didn't want to be a real doctor. I wanted to be a nut doctor. Hang out with nuts all day long. And so we didn't have a good relationship until the last five years of his life when he got sick. And he said, I'm sick of being sick. What do you want me to do?

Oh, my gosh. And then he just did everything I asked him to do. Oh, wow. And being one of seven, he's always like, well, your brother wouldn't like you doing that. And, you know, from. being unimportant to important was important. So losing him was incredibly awful. Oh, gosh.

But it was awful for a lot of people. And really for you. Yes. But Nick got sick, but he got really sick. Yeah. And it just was a snowball effect. It was like he was in the ICU and just, you know, one thing kept falling into another.

You know, it just is like he could never. get up. You know what I mean? It was like a plateau and then slowly down and then slowly down, come back up, but slowly down, he could never get up. He ended up becoming COVID negative, but he got sepsis and a fever and then it just was like one thing after another. And it was- How long was that process? 95 days in the ICU. And this is in New York City? No, it was here at Cedarsinai. In a time where, you know, yes, everyone's in pain. We're all alone. Nothing is right in the world. You know, it was just the wild wild west. It honestly sometimes feels like it never happened. Like it's the weird, sometimes I have to like look at photos to remind myself like,

that happened because it, you know, we want to forget COVID, you know, and we forget that we were trapped in our houses and wiping things down and wearing masks all the time, you know, because we're like back to real life. And it's sometimes like so wild to think that that all happened at that time. And I was a new mom. So like, I was just like, you know. But ironically, I will say, and I wonder if this has anything to do with my brain, I've never in a weird way been more clear about what I am supposed to do every single day. Like, and I don't know if it's because I couldn't do anything else, which might have been that. But like, when my husband was in the hospital, it was like my brain.

literally felt like my brain was like laser focused only on I have to save my husband and I am going to. And it was just like hell or high water was the mission every single day. And it was clear. Like I didn't, it was like I knew exactly what I was doing laser. Wow. Where do you think that can well, that is a little bit of me. I will say like whenever I have a goal and I know I really want to do it, I do just like in. So you probably have good frontal lobes. Okay. We'll talk about that.

Okay, good. Yeah, I know nothing about the lobes. The executive part of the brain. Oh, okay. And females, generally better. Frontal lobes, which is why they go to jail 14 times less than males. Oh, interesting. What a stat.

So that must have been so hard then when you lost him, because if you're mission was to save him. Yeah. And you didn't have control. Yes. I did not have control. And you're right. I felt very much in control as much as I possibly could. Of course, now, in retrospect, I realized that I had no control, but I thought I did, which is also maybe what kept me going, because, you know, the hospital and doctors asked me to give up many, many, many times, but I was like absolutely not. Because I also felt like Nick, I could just sense that he was also fighting. Like, even though he was in a coma and he could not move, he couldn't even squeeze my hand.

But like I felt like he's fighting, so like I have to still fight. So it was just like a wrong. That is just such a traumatic time. Yeah, it was. Yeah, big time. Yeah. But you did the best you could with the information you had. Yeah.

Right? I mean, we were so short on information. We were so, yeah. And so were the doctors and so were the hospitals. And I had never been to the hospital before except for delivering my son. So like I hospital jargon the business of a hospital, what happens in an ICU. I had no idea. I was so green.

I was like just, and maybe that worked to my benefit because I was just doing and asking for things that they were like, what are you doing? But I was just, you know, surviving flight or flight. And so I was just doing what I needed to do to, I think, you know, what was going to save my husband. But yeah, when he passed away, that was devastating. So what has the grief been like? The grief is like, I think, a roller coaster. I think that it is suffocating in the beginning. I compare it to, and whenever I meet a new widow or widower,

I always offer this sentiment because it's how I felt. You know that picture of like, it's like an old famous picture of an astronaut floating in the sky and he's like this and he has the whole suit on and earth is like over here. And that's how I felt in the beginning of grief. Like I felt like in this suit where I was kind of like a marshmallow man. And I had a helmet on and everyone talking to me was like, because I like I couldn't hear anything.

And I felt like I was floating all the time and that I was just like surviving by like just floating in space. And then I always tell people I give them. them a little astronaut pin and I say one day you'll you'll be back on earth it just it's going to take a minute but that's how the beginning felt I wasn't angry in the beginning just sad and now it just ups and flows when I read that anniversaries of things are one of the triggers birthdays anniversaries birthdays are worse like Nick's birthday is like the worst day like I have to prepare for it. And then like last year, oh my gosh, like Dr. Raymond, I couldn't, I couldn't function. Like I couldn't stop crying. I was just like hysterical. And I haven't been

like that in a while. But yeah, his birthday last year was terrible. Yeah. I've learned though, like my journey with grief. I've learned, thank you, that like now I know. Like I know that like the days leading up are hard. And I know that the day of is a mix of emotions. And then usually the day after, I'm like, I'm okay. Back to normal. But the lead up, yeah, it is like rough. That would be a great EMDR target. Okay. So I have my patients that do EMDR hunt for targets. Oh. It's like, let's not block. them. Let's not drink our way through them. Yeah. Get stone through them. Let's hunt them. Hunt them. And then go into them. Yeah. So that, I mean, they're always going to be tender. And tender can be sweet or can be painful. Yeah. Right. They'll always be tender, but they can be tender sweet rather than tender awful. Yeah. Yeah. Like last birthday was tender awful.

Yeah. Yeah. But I don't mind it. Like, as you can see, like, I mean, I mind it, of course, but like, I don't mind crying. Like, I am an emotional person. I love emotions. So, like, I, and I feel it helps me, like, connect in a good way. Crying's awesome. Yeah. Right?

It's what you attach to it. You know, I'm vulnerable. I'm weak. Yeah. uncomfortable or it's like I feel. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I feel therefore I am. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know if that works. So wait, why would EMDR? I don't even know what EMDR is. So it stands for eye movement, desensitization, and re-processing. Okay.

So if I was seeing you, I'd go, well, let's go back through that. Okay. And then I would have you go back through it. I get your eyes to go back and forth. And what that does is it activates the left hemisphere, then the right hemisphere. At the same time, while you bring up a painful emotion. And what it does to your emotional brain is it calms it down. Oh, wow.

And it integrates it. So the past doesn't have to run the present. Oh, wow. So you still remember it. Yeah. But without the attachment to pain. So they're actually the physical pain circuits in your brain that get activated with grief. Oh, wow.

Say that again. The physical pain circuits get activated in your brain with grief. With grief. And they're also connected to the attachment. Okay. And Neck lives in every fun place. Yeah. In your head.

Yeah. Yeah. And so anything can trigger grief. It could be a song. It could be a sound. It could be a smell. It could be food. It could be a place.

Right. Right. It's like anything. Right. It's like you get surprised a lot. Yeah. Yeah. Because your brain works through association.

Okay. And so anything that you associate to him can get triggered. Can get triggered with those different circuits in my brain. Right. Wow. And so then it depends what circuit is activated if it makes me sad or happy about that? Yes. Wow.

But if we take the intensity down, then the tender can turn sweet rather than painful. And they'll always remember it. Yeah, right. It's just we want to, do you know my friend Byron Katie? Do you know her work? No. Oh. Loving what is.

Write it down. Okay. Got it. Loving what is. I love her so much, scanned her many years ago. She had the brain of a murderer. I told her I could get you off. If you're ever on death row, I can help you.

Oh. And her life before her sort of spiritual awakening was awful. Whoa. She was a rager and an alcoholic and she was a mess. And then in Barstow, 1986, she woke up on the floor of a halfway house. Oh, my God. Watching a bug crawl across the room. And she realized when she believed her thoughts, she suffered.

But when she didn't believe her thoughts, she didn't suffer. Okay. And she has something called The Work. And I teach it to all of my patients. Whenever you feel sad, mad, nervous, or out of control, write down what you're thinking. Right down. Well, this is one of my questions I want to ask you about is writing because it helped me process my grief so much.

And I never wrote before. And then I started writing and it was like mind-blowing. It's been shown to be healing for grief. I mean, okay. Yeah. Yeah. But if you write down your thoughts, then you can question them. You don't have to believe every stupid thing you think.

Right. It's so important. Right. It's like. Or every sad thing you think or anything. Anything you think. It's, and I read one of your questions is, well, how do you train your, your mind.

Yeah. And your negativity bias, we did a test for you. Negativity versus positivity bias. Oh, okay. You're an incredibly positive person. Oh, yay. Just probably saved you. Yeah.

People who have high negativity, they're much more vulnerable to bad things. Oh, wow. So one of the reasons I think you've taken. taken this tragedy and shared it with others is because internally you're not a negative person. Wow. And you can tell that from my brain that I'm more. No, I can tell it from how you did one other question. Oh, one of the, oh, okay, okay.

And your brain as well, because usually people that are negative have really low frontal lobe activity. Oh, okay. You don't. Okay. Yeah. I mean, I feel like I'm a very positive person. I love, you know, I'm not in a toxic way.

I always tend to go on the positive route. And that's training. Now, I read your mom and your grandma tend to be anxious. Yes. But that was really not you. Not really, no. Not at all. I guess I'm more of my dad.

My dad is a very resilient, positive. carpe DM kind of person. Yeah. And my mom is the worry ward that stays up all night, you know, thinking about all of her children, which now I understand being a mother. But yeah, she's, she's more of the worrier and has had to like, you know, and my grandma, my grandma, big time, anxiety. Yeah. So we talked about the female brain a little bit healthier overall, better for, frontal lobe, but 52% less serotonin than a male brain. What serotonin does is calms down the worry circle. Oh, okay.

So a little extra serotonin often helps females. And you can get that with exercise and being a fitness person. No wonder I love fitness so much. Being a fitness person, that can help you so much. Do you know what I always say to be? I used to say this on the talk other times. I would say, if you see me taking five exercise classes in a day, you know I'm very depressed. That's how, if you're my friend and I'm exercising a lot, you should check in on me because that means I'm not doing great.

Because I'm just, I'm constantly needing to just move my body, music on. Don't think about what I'm thinking about, put myself in a room full of people and focus on something else and exercise and move my body. It is like my number one tool for not being depressed. And when Nick was in the hospital, I would exercise every day and I would jump rope every single day. It was like my thing. I'd go outside and I'd gotten the worst news about him and I would go grab my jump rope and I'd go jump rope outside and sometimes really mad and really fast. But I would do it just to like help myself feel better. So it's because it's the serotonin.

Yeah. Wow. So does that mean I have? Exercise is the back. antidepressant. Head-to-head against Zoloft. So Zoloft, the really good antidepressant. Yes.

Twelve weeks of walking like you're late for 45 minutes, four times a week, equally effective. Wow. At the end of 12 weeks of Zoloff, if it's the right thing for you, you're less depressed. Yeah. But you also have problems having an orgasm and you're dependent on a medicine that's changing the neurotransmitters in your brain. at the end of 12 weeks of walking like you're late, you're cuter.

You probably lost a couple of pounds. It's good for you. Wow. Right. So us being more active is important. So that was natural for you. Yes. I mean, 100%.

And I found that when I was going through my divorce, that was when I was first starting teaching fitness. and I was just teaching fitness as a means to, you know, keep myself afloat in between Broadway shows because that income is always, you know, like this. So I needed the, you know, something to keep myself stable. And I would be walking into the fitness center on the phone with my mom crying my eyes out because I was dealing with this divorce, walk in, teach for three hours and walk out, smiling, laughing, happy, completely different version of Amanda. And it's the first time that that clicked in my brain that fitness is for mental health,

not my, to be skinny for my costume I had to wear on stage, which was how I used to, you know, I used to just run my body ragged so I would be skinny enough to be on stage in a costume that was barely there. So then it was like, oh, actually it's mental health. Like I feel, and that's the first time. And community, like that community, that spirit, that camaraderie and the fitness, like was a whole awakening for. me with mental health? You know, I always think of my patients in four big circles. It's never, oh, you have grief. Take this. Yeah. We want to train your mind to help you, not to hurt you. I think naturally it helps you. But whenever you're sad, write down what you're thinking.

Okay. And then I'll give you the process. Okay. Take it through a process where you just don't have to believe every stupid thing you think. Yeah. Your mind. will generate all sorts of things. It sounds like your mom generates all sorts of scenarios. Oh, yes. I love generating scenarios. But she's never taking her mind captive. And you grew up Christian, right?

And we have a new program I'm very excited about called the Aman Hull 4. It's in 75 churches. Wow. We wanted to go all over the world. I wrote a program with Pastor Rick Warren called the Daniel Plan. get the world healthy through faith-based organizations. Oh, wow. It's really cool.

Well, it's so funny because this morning, well, actually yesterday I was reading, I have like a daily devotional that I read and it was all about worrying. And it was all about like if you worry, you're not, you aren't a believer because if you believed, you would just trust that I am in charge. And so then you don't have to worry. Like take that off your shoulders. And I sent it to my mom. Well, I sent it to my whole family because we have all, you know, there's some things happening in my family right now. But it was such a beautiful thing where I was just like, that's right.

Like I can like, I don't have to worry about it. I wouldn't judge the I'm not a believer because there are a lot of believers who worry. But so I think of it this way. Is Philippians for a think on whatever is true. So it starts with that. whatever is true. And often it's the lies that damage you. Yeah, the lies that we tell ourselves.

The lives that we tell ourselves. Think on whatever is true, right, lovely, good, worthy of praise. Let your mind dwell on those things. And then there's another verse. I think it's 1st Corinthians 10, 5, take each thought captive. And the whole program is based around Romans 121 and 122, that getting healthy is worshipped and be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you can test, does it fit God's good, pleasing, and perfect will.

And so it's like, does this fit God's good, pleasing, and perfect well? And it's like, well, what's that? And then John 1010, it's like the foundation. The thief, this is Jesus talking, the thief comes to steal and kill and destroy. But I have come to give you life abundantly. And so does this thought align with the devil that's stealing, killing, and destroying, like I'm not enough? Right. That's our, that's the ant automatic negative thought for today.

Yeah. Why do we have these thoughts? Why does, where does that stem from? Your brain. Your brain just generates. Generates negative thoughts. It generates. Well, because it used to protect us.

Yeah. Like if you're like, oh, something's going to eat me. Well, in fact, thousands of years ago, that was true. And so the brain. was made or evolved to protect us. Okay. And so if you're overly positive, then don't worry, be happy people die the earliest.

Wow. From accidents and preventable illnesses. It's like, you know, I can have this fourth beer and it's not going to hurt me. Right. Like, no, it might hurt you. Right. So the goal is never for you to have no. anxiety. Right. But when I take it from, I think in your case, maybe 40 to 12, enough so you do the right

things, but not so much that it hurts you. I do feel lucky that my brain goes there, but like, people allow those thoughts to take over. They've never been trained. They just haven't been trained. I was 28 in my psychiatric residency at the Walter Reed Army Medical Center in Washington, D.C. And one of my professors said, you have to teach your patients not to believe every stupid thing they think. And I'm like, but I believe every stupid thing I thought. Oh, really? Which made you miserable. But it should be a class in second grade.

I was just going to say, I have an almost seven-year-old. Like, what as a mom can I do? Just live by example. Model it. I have a book called Captain Snout. He's an anteater. Because if they're ants, you've got to have an anteater. Right.

Captain Snout and the superpower questions, is it true? Yeah. Is it absolutely true? Just start questioning. Be curious. So then does that mean, do you think that my mom and dad, without knowing any of this, because I don't think that they did? just raised us.

Well, I mean, they raised us in faith. I mean, is there anything? There has to be that link then. Like, faith and I don't know. Notice there are four big circles. Yeah. What's going on in your brain, the physical health of your brain. Are you training your mind to help you or hurt you?

You're training yours to help you. Yeah. Social. Do you have a job? Yes. you have enough money. Too many jobs. Are you?

I love my job, though. So it's a social situation. Yes. We're in. Yeah. Are you in a new relationship? No, out of a relationship. Out of a relationship.

Yeah. That matters. Yeah. Right? Being connected. Yeah. And then spiritual, which psychiatrists never talk about, except me. Yeah.

It's like, why do you care? Right. What is your deepest sense of meaning? and purpose. Your relationship with God, your relationship with the planet, your relationship with the past. So for me, it's my grandfather, and your relationship with the future, my grand children. It's like all of this matters to your brain and mental health. Health.

Absolutely. You're right, though. It's barely talked about. So you have a spiritual core. You're doing work that is deeply. meaningful. For the brain, I have this acronym I like called Bright Minds. You want to keep your brain healthy or rescue it.

You have to prevent or treat the 11 major risk factors. And as I was reading, you don't have many of them. The blood flow to your brain is healthy. Okay. You're young, at least compared to me. If you had lab work done recently, I'd love to see it. Okay. There's some anxiety in your family.

head trauma you said no but your scan said you probably had a concussion okay so I don't know one of the big things I've learned is I have to ask my patients 10 times whether or not they have a concussion if I see it on their scan if I don't see it on their scan I don't bother but ever fall out of a tree off a fence dive into a shallow pool had a car accident falls fights fights. Can you imagine? I can't imagine myself in a fist bite. I mean, I fell off a skateboard when I was little. Injured my tongue. But maybe I also hit my head. I don't know. If you hit your tongue, you hit your head. Yeah, maybe, I guess. I mean, my tongue was like bleeding. Anything else? I can remember. Do you play sports? No. When did you start dancing? Age 10.

You know, it may come to you. I have patients that go, no, no, no, no. Oh. Oh, yeah. When I was seven, I fell out of the second story window. Yeah. Not much as far as toxins, but wine three days a week. I'd probably move that to one.

Why is it? Just because alcohol's been associated with cancer. With cancer. Gosh. So. And that's like a new thing. Can I ask you a question? Sorry, this just popped up and lately I have brain fog.

So if I don't ask you, I'm going to forget now. How much of our brain do we use the percentage-wise? All of it. We use all of it? Yeah. It's a complete lie that we only use 10%. If I took 90% of your brain out, you would not be you. Well, then how can somebody that, you know, can read and memorize the phone book, but I can't.

Aren't they accessing a part of? Okay. Ability. Okay. Right. From their brain. probably dance way better than 99% of the population. I don't know about 99%.

But thank you. That's very kind of you. Okay. So wine, no wine, alcohol in general. I wouldn't say no, because then you'll rebel against the no. No, I won't. I would go less. What about countries like Italy and France that are drinking wine all the time, living to

years and years No. No. It's the lie we've been sold. Okay. That it's innocuous. And if you actually look at most of the bad things that happen in life, somebody's been drinking. Yeah. Wow. Somebody's been drinking. Okay. And anything that's associated with eight different cancers. And, you know, during the pandemic, Jim Bean, the whiskey company,

turn their plants into hand sanitize. or plants. Really? Because alcohol is a disinfectant. My wife who's a nurse, you know, if she gives you a shot, she puts alcohol on your skin ahead of time. Right. Well, in your gut, you have a hundred trillion bugs.

Bacteria, viruses, fungus, and they're called the microbiome. Right. The microbiome protects you. It's like your defense force. Right. So why are you going to pour poison into your microbiose? bio. Just, I don't get it.

Wow. So do you, do you drink? I don't. And for how long have you not? Since I was 21. Really? Wow. Yeah.

I'm like, no. Why do I want to feel different? How do alcoholics function? I mean, well, not well. Some do those. There are functioning. Wow. Geez.

I don't think there's any of my patients. when they stop that tell me their life is worse. No, I can, no, I agree with you. I mean, I've really honestly cut back lately because it does affect my sleep. And I'm at home a lot just with Elvis at night. And so, like, I don't need to have a drink, you know what I mean? So, like, I have actually really cut back a lot. And I love how I feel when I cut back.

And every day for him, you're modeling help. Yeah. Or God. Yeah. I love what Drew Carey said. This is about food. He said eating crappy food isn't a reward. It's a punishment.

Oh. Because he lost a lot of weight and kept it off. And when I heard him say that, I'm like, oh, he's going to stay healthy. Because he understands it's not about deprivation. It's about abundance. Right. Right. Because like what do I really want?

energy. Yeah. Memory. Yes. Clarity. Yes. Passion. Health. Purpose. Yeah. That's what I really want. And does the banana split or does the glass of wine get me what I want? No, it's my four-year-old that wants what he wants when he wants it, right? Don't tell me no. But I don't want to act like I'm four. Yeah. Wow. Okay. Let's see. Mental health, you have a zero for your A score, which is very interesting.

I'm going to talk about that. What does that mean? A stands for adverse childhood experiences on a scale of 1 to 10, 0 to 10. How many bad things happen to you as a child? Yeah. None of them. No. I mean, of course, bad things happened to you as a child.

Yes. But none of the big things, which is great. We tested your brain. So this is one of the tests we did today. You're good at recognizing faces, but you recognize negative faces way faster than positive faces. So this is speed. But many famous people have that because when they go out in public, a lot of people recognize them. And so they're always, their brain gets tuned in to danger.

Oh, wow. So I wouldn't worry about that. Okay. Not terribly stressed. Not terribly. Anxious, clearly not depressed. Your long-term and short-term memories are great. Your planning is phenomenal.

By planning? Your planning. Focus, not awesome today. I didn't have my coffee, that's why. Flexibility. You can probably get locked on to things sometimes. But here's your positivity scores in 91. I rarely see this.

Wow. It's so good. resilient and social. So awesome. Wow. All right. So we do a brain imaging study called spec. And spec looks at blood flow and activity.

It looks at how your brain works. Okay. And basically shows us three things. Good activity. Okay. You have a lot. Okay. Too little or too much.

Okay. And then my job with your cooperation is to balance it. To balance it out. Okay. So here's our resident, really healthy brain. This is our goal. Okay. Here we're looking underneath the brain like this, down from the top, one side, other side. And this should just be full, even, and symmetrical.

Color doesn't mean anything. It's the shape. Okay. Here, the color means a lot. Okay. So blue is average. Red is the top 15%. Okay. White is the top 8%.

So white's like the super hot spots in the brain. And it should be back here in the cerebellum, especially an athlete. So you're an athlete. Okay. You have a stunningly beautiful brain. Thank you. Okay. But it got whacked at some point.

You can see it's actually right here. So maybe when you had the skateboard. Yeah. Boom. It hit here on the back. It's not a big deal. Yeah. But at some point.

And you'll probably send me a note and go, I didn't tell you about this style. Oh, my gosh. But overall, you have a beautiful one. Okay. I would go, yay. Okay. We see things like Alzheimer's 20 years before people get it. Whoa.

But that's not your fate. Okay. That's not going to be in your future. Now, you want to keep it that way, and why the hyperbaric? Because it can just finish healing. Oh, wow. Okay. This is where the money is for us.

Okay. Your emotional brain, which is right here, it's pretty busy. And I think that's where Greek hangs out for you. Interesting. So this is an area called your thalamus. It sort of can turn up the emotion. emotional intensity. Okay.

These are your basil gangly. Yours are busy, but they're also busy in people who don't stop work. Oh. So I don't know if you always feel like you're motivated and you want to get stuff done. Yes. When you go on vacation, you're still thinking about what project you're working on. Yes. Yeah.

Mine's sort of like that. It doesn't stop. Your Sarabalm could be better. Do you do any coordination exercises? I mean, dance. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, and I jump rope pretty much every day,

and I'm always doing, like, footwork and stuff while I'm jumping rope. Do more of it? Well, yes. I think of a racket sport as well. Oh, yeah. I play tennis. Tennis? I haven't played in a little while because I injured my shoulder, but, yeah. Okay.

I love table tennis because it's faster, and there's less injuries. Okay. With it. Pickleball, not so much because there's a lot of injuries with pickable. Okay. But this is where EMDR will be helpful. Okay. Because we did a before and after with someone I did EMDR with.

She had this brain before completely calmed everything down. Wow. After, I think it was about 40 sessions. Wow. So right now it's just showing that my emotional part of my brain is elevated. Yeah. It's busy.

It's busy. It's busy. Yeah. It sort of makes sense. Yeah. And with Elvis is your son? Yeah. I mean, every day you think about Nick.

And then you think about the trauma. And I think, and it could be 10 sessions of EMDR just to sort of take you through. for people who grew up in alcoholic homes or traumatic environments, they need 40 sessions or 80 sessions, not for someone who grew up with stability. Okay. Okay. So when you say you can retrain your brain, is that by doing like EMDR or by the hyperbaric chamber or like you said, like this coordination, like that's what you mean by.

retraining your brain because you can do all these things. Well, if we think of those four circles, right. So biologically, the hyperbaric oxygen will just give you sort of a healthier overall brain. Okay. And I think 10 or 20 sessions should be great. I would look at this and go, I'm keeping this. So another good mantra to, decrease the alcohol. It's like, no, I love my brain. I'm keeping it. Do you know my friend Lisa Gibbons? No. She's awesome. She had her own show for many years. And when she's 51, she went through a divorce and it was terrible and her brain was awful. Oh, God. Ten years later, it was dramatically better. Wow. She loves her brain. And is that also just like, does time heal the brain?

in a way. Obviously, if you're doing all these things, time heals the brain. If you put it in a healing environment. Yes. As if you're doing bad things, time will not heal your brain. My favorite story on grief, I was in Northern California at one of my clinics and I was giving a lecture and a woman came up to me and she started to cry, which happens to me a lot, which I don't know what that says about me.

And when she stopped crying, she said two years ago, my 12-year-old daughter, Sammy, died of bone cancer. And it was awful. I had no idea how much it would hit me. And I went to bed and drank and ate bad food. She was 5'2 and blown to 210 pounds. Oh, wow. And the two-year anniversary, she was going to kill herself. Oh, my gosh.

And then she saw me on public television, saw one of my shows. And she goes, I'm going to get his book. She's telling me this story. Okay. And if it's a bad book, I'm going to kill myself tomorrow. Oh, my God. You didn't just say that. She said, but I loved it.

It was so easy to follow and simple because I write it as seventh grade level purposefully. Yeah. And she said, I stopped drinking. I stopped eating bad food. I put on my tennis shoes. I started to walk. And that was 10 weeks ago, and I'm down 24 pounds. And she said, never, she said, tell the people who are grieving,

never let their grief to be their excuse to hurt themselves. Yeah. But that is hard because when you're that sad and especially in the beginning. skill because we don't teach people. No. How to have skill. So true. Right.

So biologically, type of beric oxygen obviously continue the exercise, add some coordination, add ping pong or more tennis. Yeah. I want you to take something we make called Happy Safran. Okay. Saffron. Oh, yes. Saffron.

35 randomized controlled trials showing it will help calm. your emotional brain. Yes. Kim, who you met my assistant. We actually released it the month before the pandemic, February, 2026. And like two months in, she's stressed. She's working in my house.

And I'm like, take this. The next day, she starts humming. I'm like, why are you humming? I don't know. I just feel happy. Oh, wow. It's very funny. Wait, I was reading something about humming.

and like if you're having anxious, if you're super anxious or something, start humming because your brain can't think about what you are thinking if you're humming at the same time. It turns off the default mode network in your brain, which is sort of that negative chatter. Right. And critic and generator of bad things. It's also how psilocybin works. It turns that off. but humming has no side effects. Wow.

Yeah. And psilocybin for a vulnerable group can make them psychotic. Yes. Okay. I'm not the hugest fan. Yes. But the whole idea of neuroplasticity is people think that's a good thing, but it's not a, it's a neutral thing. Your brain just does whatever you repeat, good or bad.

Oh, wow. And so if you go, oh, it's 7 o'clock, I should have a drink, you just give into your habit rather than go, so what's the goal here? Yeah. What do I really want? Right. And then you can interrupt the habit. Right. So retraining your brain.

So we talked about hyperbaric oxygen. Saffron can help coordination exercises. In the psychological circle, every day you go, today is going to be a great day. You start with a day. You journal. that. I do that every day. And throughout the day, you look for the little miracles because there are so many of them.

Yeah. And then when you go to bed at night, what went well today? I start at the beginning of my day and I go hour by hour looking for what I liked. Yeah. And I always find stuff that I just sort of glossed over during the day. Yeah. And even the day my dad died because it was terrible, I did it because it was my habit. Now, I also want you to give your mind a name.

Oh, I listen to you, do this in a podcast. What's yours? Hermie. Hermy. After my pet raccoon. And so that night, when my dad died, Hermie, because I'm like, oh, went well today. And Hermie goes, really, we're going to talk about this tonight. Right.

I'm like, shut up. Yeah. And then my mind went to an interaction between my mom and the police officer. it was hysterical. She's 89. And they had to do an investigation because he died at home. And she goes, do you think I had him killed? Do you think I'm having an affair?

I mean, it was just so funny. At 89 years old. And 89-year-olds have affairs, I'm sure. But for her to be able to have that kind of composure, it was so special. Can I ask you, like, when Nick died in the beginning, I was, in Ohio and I made a conscious choice to do something once a day that would make me happy. It was my goal. I was like whether that lasts two seconds, two hours or 20 hours, it doesn't matter.

Like one thing a day to make me smile was my only goal for every day. And I would do it. And sometimes it was just like a two-minute burst of joy and the rest of the day was sad, but at least I had that burst of joy. And it's something I try to share when I meet new widows and widowers. And for instance, this new widow that I've been helping, I tell her this. And she's like, I can't find any joy. And I'm like, just try to find the light.

Like find one thing that's the light that day. But like she's so stuck. Like what do you do when you're so stuck? Like I was, why was I able to go there? Why was I able to go? Amanda, one thing a day to keep me happy. Because you have a healthy brain. It's the, and most people don't understand this.

Right. You get so much more empathy for people when you realize there's a brain piece to this. Because, you know, why do some people kill themselves after tragedy and other people make it their mission to help other people? Yeah. In part, it's because you have a healthy brain. Her brain is probably struggling more that even though that would be good for her. So we always think about those four circles. So what's the biological piece that's keeping her stuck?

So her emotional brain like yours may be really heightened, but she might also have low frontal lobes. and so her negativity bias is higher. Is higher. The frontal lobes, when do they develop? Like, are you a kid? Is this something that if you have children, like develop their frontal lobes? So if you ever heard of your brain develops myelin? So myelin is a white fatty substance that wraps around neurons.

And when you're about two months old, the back part of your brain myelanates. Which is why when you look at your baby when they're just born, don't really look at you back, but about two months, you smile, they smile. Yes, yeah. And then the myelin wraps your brain, but it starts in the back and slowly and actually doesn't finish here in the front. So this is the most evolved part of the human brain when you're about 25. Really?

And girls and about 28 and boys. Whoa. And so it's like, think of you when you were 18. Yeah. versus the decisions you made when you were 25. It's different, like the quality of them. Yeah. Like if I went to college when I was 18, no way I'd be a doctor.

I went in the Army, three years to grow up. It helped me so much so that when I decided I wanted to be a doctor, I could actually do it and follow through. And this is why when Elvis is a teenager, you really want to supervise him that you know where he's at and what he's doing. and you check because you have to be his frontal lobes until his develop. Okay. And so it's later, which is why kids shouldn't hit soccer balls with their head.

It's why I'm not a fan of young drinking, young drug abuse. Like, no, because your brain is developing. Wow. And it always develops. You just want to put it in the best possible way to grow. best environment to grow. And every day there's a part of your brain called

hippocampus right here. Hippocampus is Greek for seahorse because when you look at it under a microscope it's shaped like a seahorse. Yeah. Every day, even now, even at my age, we produce about 700 new baby stem cells or I say baby sea horses.

Wow. And so the environment you're in, so think what do you think the alcohol is doing to the seahorse? horses to the babies. Never drinking again. It's not good. And one of my patients who I just loved dearly, I couldn't get her to stop smoking pot.

And then I'm like, oh, she loves animals. I'm like you're murdering the seahorses. The baby seahors are. Wow. And she stopped. It was great. Wow. Can I ask you, when Nick was sick, he had two tiny strokes in the back of his head in the

paws, I think. Ponds. Yeah, ponds. He's right here. So what does that control? Because the doctors were saying that I remember at the time they were like, they're tiny. And until he wakes up, we won't know what it has affected. But then he never woke up.

Breathing, heart rate. It's very important. Oh, okay. Well, that makes sense. It's this major connector between your brain and the rest of your brain. of your body. What would cause a stroke there? Do you know?

Well, the strokes be caused by blood clot. Which is what happened? It would be caused by inflammation. Okay. It would be caused by hypertension? What about oxygen getting there? Would that cause? Well, if you have a stroke, then there's no oxygen because blood vessels have broken

or there's a clot that choked off blood supply. Wow. Okay. But even people who have strokes, sometimes if you put them in a hyperbaric chamber, it can help heal. Wow. Okay. So it's a pretty... A pond stroke is pretty severe.

It's pretty bad. And he had two little ones. Well, they really were... Yeah. I mean, and it depends. You can have a stroke there and it's so small, it doesn't really have a negative impact. Oh, okay. Or it can be devastating.

Oh, wow. Well, I guess they did say we wouldn't, they wouldn't know until he would wake up. to training. Yeah. So the physical things, and you do that on a regular basis, which is why your brain is healthy. Okay. But there's also psychological things, what went well today, looking for the micro miracles throughout the day. The rule of 12, it's one of my favorite rules, that you are psychologically flexible,

and you don't have to have a tantrum whenever things go wrong. count. So I have, it's one of my things my patients love the most. It's like, count to 12. 12 things have to go wrong before you act like a four-year-old and have a fit. I like that. Okay. And mostly people never get to 13. Wow. Unless you move. And then you got to move it to 100. I'm guessing also in those circles, the social circle, how much does the people around you, your work environment, your partner, husband, and wife.

A lot. A effects, obviously, right? It affects your brain health. So it's super. So the A score we talked about, if you grew up with an alcoholic dad, that would really play a number on your emotional development. Wow. For sure. Okay.

But, you know, what I love is notice what you like more than what you don't. That you are creating your environment by what you pay it. attention to. Yeah. With Elvis, if you come into my office, you'll see there are all sorts of penguins because it's like, how do you train a penguin? You don't hit them when they don't do the right thing because you notice what they like. Right.

Right. They do the right thing. You give them a fish. Give them a hug. It's like with children, it's the same thing. Notice what you like more than what you don't like. Right. Okay.

That's just a great principle. Yeah. spiritually. It's like, so why am I here? And I did a post recently on the neuroscience of the Lord's Prayer. It got like three and a half million views. And it's like, oh, it's about attachment, our father. And it's about guidance.

It's about forgiveness. I mean, it's a very powerful psychological prayer. What do you think about, does forgiveness, lie in the brain? Your inability to forgive would be a brain function. And how does somebody fix that? Because I do think there's a, or retrain that, if that's a better word. Like, I think, especially with grief, to forgive is a huge part of it.

A lot of times. And grief is often harder for people who had a complicated, relationship than a good relationship because they can't fix it. Right. And the person has passed. Right. And so they're left with that. Thanks.

So can you train your brain to be better at forgiving? Absolutely. Wow. There's a method I teach my patients called reach. Recall what happened. In fact, I had one of my patients. who also did this podcast as an NBA player who got traded and now the Knicks are in the finals and it's really frustrating for him.

And I'm like, you could forgive them. No, that's not me. I'm like, you could. Because otherwise it's just going to be poison. Right. And then I saw him a week later and he's like, yeah, I could. And you recall what happened? Right.

Like, own it. It was awful. Right. You empathize with them. See it from their point of view. From the person that you're needing to forgive. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

See it from their point of view. So empathy. Empathy. So recall. Empathy. Altruistically, just because it's a good thing to give them the gift of forgiveness. Uh-huh. It's like, I can let go of that.

Yeah. Commit to it. Commit to it. Tell somebody about it. on it and hold on to it. And when it comes back, the hurt comes back, recall what happened, see it from their point of view, give them the gift of forgiveness, commit to it, hold on to it. It's so helpful.

And if this part of your brain, it's called the anterior cingulogyrus, works too hard, you spin on it. It's like you don't just see them hurting you once. you see it over and over and over and over again. So it's like you have a little scratch on an old vinyl record. And you can't get it to stop. Wow. And that's where sometimes medication like SSRIs can help calm that down.

Okay. And maybe psilocybin will be one of those things that sort of just reset things. I'm sort of a fan of Zephran. Yeah. I was taking saffron for a little bit. I don't know why I stopped, but I think it was Dr. Dow that suggested I'd get on it for a little while when I was, yes, when I was going through a little bit about of depression. Can heartbreak be seen on a brain? Well, a heartbreak will activate your emotional circuits. Okay. And so then. And heartbreak. Yeah. I have a new book out called Change Your Brain, Change Your Pain, Change Your Pain.

Oh, change your pain. Change your pain. Okay. And Tylenol actually works for heartbreak. Really? Yeah. Why? And ibuprofen works for heartbreak because the pain circuits in your brain, this is one of them.

It's called the insular cortex. This is your basal ganglia busy. This is your insula on the right. It's where you feel your body and often feel pain. And so by calming that down, which Tylenol, of all things does, and ibuprofen does, yeah, I think it's fascinating. So like in early days of grief, you could take Tylenol and ibuprofen just to help with the heartache. You could try it. You could also jump rope.

I love that. Yeah, you could. Right? The exercise boost serotonin, serotonin, calms. Yeah. your pain circuits and change your brain, change your pain, I talk about the doom loop. It's like pain for any reason. It can be physical pain or grief, emotional pain.

But they activate the same circuits in the brain. And so say you grew up in trauma, those circuits are already working hard or something happens, the divorce, losing your husband. activates those circuits. So later on, they're busy unless you've done something to reset them. Okay. And when they get active, then you get an invasion of ants. That creates nervous tension.

So your whole body's more tense. And we haven't talked about this yet, but sometimes repressed rage accelerates grief. and accelerates pain. Interesting. And so do you know who John Sarno is? He wrote a couple of great books. One was healing back pain. Another is the mind-body solution.

Oh, I know these books. Okay, yes. But he basically says it's repressed rage. Wow. That is creating the tension that accelerates the pain. So often in EMDR sessions that I do, we kill people emotionally. It's like if you, you know, so say it's someone who hurt them.

It's like if the rage can come out of your body, where would it go? Yeah. And be as visual and as cruel as you can be. Wow. Just like get it out. Yeah, to get it out. And I know it's sort of a dichotomy. Here we're forgiving people.

And over here we're murdering people. But it's just the skill. of learning to manage your mind. Right. Because if you're a goodest, and when you grow up faith-based, like, oh, no, I could never do that. You then attack yourself. And so learning how to do that emotional dance between forgiveness and expressing appropriate rage is really important to healing. Okay.

Boy, that... So if somebody does EMDR with you, don't block the negative feelings. Okay. Because there may be some toward the doctors that didn't listen. I mean, I don't know because I don't know a lot about the situation. But MD stands for minor deity. There is a lot of anger at doctors when things don't go right. I've always wondered, too, why...

So when I did Dancing with the Stars, I had already written my book. So I had used that to help me unknowingly. Then I did the audio book, so I spoke it. So not only did I write it down, then I had to like verbally say it again. But then when I was dancing again for the first time in a little while, actually, on that show. And now I understand because it's not. not only movement, but then it's equaling and it's adding the coordination to it. It was one of the most healing experiences as I've ever done.

I was dancing, you know, towards the end up to like eight hours a day. And it was, I ended that show a completely different human being just by putting that much effort into dancing every day. And I was with a partner. So I had this other human being that was equally. you know, goal-oriented and positive. And I was just focused on... So it's exercise, it's purpose, it's social.

Yeah, it's all of those things together. And at an elite level, you're also visualizing yourself doing it right. Right. Rather than visualize doing it wrong. Right. And flow is out of the past with regret, and out of the future with fear, and it's in the moment. Yeah.

Another good book, if you haven't read it, is the power of now. Yes, I love that book. Yes, I love that book, too. So then your four circles, where does spirituality lie in the brain? Is it in the brain? It's an interesting question. Or like why, like when I talk to a medium, how are they connecting to spiritual? Have you channeled, Nick?

I have in my own way. Yeah. Actually, I have. Yeah. I feel. So we studied channeling. Okay. When we did our normal study, the person didn't tell us she was a channeler.

Okay. And it wasn't a rollout. You're not normal if you channel. Yeah. And so we scanned her channeling. Okay. And what happened is her whole brain dropped, which made total sense because if you're going to channel a frequency in the universe, you have to drop

your noise so that you can hear theirs. And then I did speaking in tongues. We did a prayer study. I pray for you, conversational prayer. We did prophecy, discernment, and channeling. And that was our hypothesis that if you speak in tongues, you're channeling the Holy Spirit. So the activity in your brain will drop. Whoa. And the Holy Spirit can speak through you. And that's exactly what happened. It was really interesting.

So mediums have, like Tyler Henry is a good friend of mine because I did that show with him. And I think he had his brain scanned, like by NASA. because they were like, we're so fascinated by your brain. And he, I remember him saying something along these lines. Like his brain activity was like, they've never seen anything like it before because it was like nothing was there or something like that. So that does that make sense.

So then, because some mediums have said to me, we could train you to be a medium. If you worked hard enough, you could, you have the ability to do it. And I've never gone that far. But is the ability just training. your brain to reduce the frequency so that you can tap into a different frequency? Yes. I mean, you have such healthy activity? It would be hard to...

I don't know. Yeah. Interesting. I scan the Long Island medium. Oh, you have? Yeah, I worked with her, too. She's great. What was her brain like?

Sleepy. Sleepy. Yeah. Wow. Interesting. Okay. And the first day I met her. It was so wild.

She told me something about me and nobody could possibly know. Really? Was your dad coming through? Do do, do, do, do, do, do. Wow. Okay, hold on. I want to make sure I feel like we've answered a lot of these questions, which is amazing.

Oh, what's the neuroscience of resilience? A healthy brain. So a healthy brain. It's a healthy, Brain. So it's never, take two soldiers. Okay. Put them in the same tank. Okay. Expose them to the same blast, the same ankles. Everything's the same. One of them walks away on harm. The other one's permanently disabled. Why? It's the brain they brought into the accident. And so you got whacked, but you came out of it. Yeah.

wanting to be and in fact being helpful in large parts because you have a healthy brain. Wow. Okay. Gosh, I feel so like very like grateful to my mom and dad and how I was raised. I don't know. I love that. Yeah. I just feel like.

So brain reserve is the extra tissue you have to deal with whatever stress comes your way. And that's what you want for Elvis. Yeah. It's like how do I build his brain reserve? Yes. Yes. That's his other internal. And so by feeding him right, by not doing everything for him.

This is so important for kids of any of us, but kids of famous people. It's like we did this one post like insane engagement. And all I said was if you do too much for your children, you're building your self-esteem. by stealing theirs. And so when he says, Mommy, I'm bored. It's like, I wonder what you're going to do about it. Yeah.

And then be quiet long enough for him to generate ideas. Or if he forgets his homework at school, don't bring it to him. Yeah. If he forgets his code. And you said, it's going to be called today. He should bring your code. No, I don't need it. Well, this is how.

Let him pay the consequences when the consequences are inexpensive. Yes. Now that you're saying this, that's exactly how my parents raised me in. I am doing that with him. Like it's, yeah. So that's good to know. I'm on the right track there. Okay.

You have a great brain. Your emotional brain's still busy. Yeah. You got whacked at some point. It affected your left occipital lobe. Yeah. No big deal. Hyperbaric oxygen could be helpful to you.

Yeah. Plus, it's got anti-aging qualities. Yes. and their skin's better. Happy saffron. I think that could be super helpful. When you feel like you need a drink, I'm going to give you something called fianine gummies.

Okay. They just help you chill. Okay. But they're not bad for your brain. They come from green tea. Okay. EMDR. And I like, I'm just going to come for 10 sessions.

Now, if you find it wildly helpful, do more. Okay. But I would just go, yeah, let's do that. Can you explain to me one more time what that is? So it stands for. What does a session look like? So what I would do, and I would do this ahead of time, I would journal, I take a page for every five years of your life. So you're 44, so that would be nine pages.

And on the left side of the page, I would go, what awesome things happened in my life. And on the right side of the page, what awful? things happened in my life. Okay. And I do it on those nine, so zero to five, five to ten, ten to fifty and so on. Okay. Right. You're completely prepared for EMDR at this point.

Okay. Because it's like, let's take the worst thing. And it could be the divorce was the worst thing. Yeah. Or it could be the hospital and Nick is the worst thing. Whatever it is for you. And then I would, so the first session or two, it's just getting to know you in history. Okay.

Like you and I did today. Okay. And then it's like, bring up the worst one. Okay. They have you get your eyes going back and forth, really upsetting. It's like you just go left, right, left, right, over and over and over again? Yeah. For about two minutes.

And am I talking at this? And then not at that time. You're just processing. Okay. And then at least for me, I'll like, oh, select him up. Talk for a couple minutes. And I'm like, go with that. And do it again.

I'm like, go with that. Eyes again. Yeah. And go with that, what came up feeling. Yeah. And then I have you imagine yourself on a train. And when did that feeling first come up? And you end up with all sorts.

I mean, you're like, it's usually, but my first session, it's like five times nothing happens and six times. The sixth time, I'm like, whoa, that's what we need to think about and talk about. Gosh, that would have been so helpful. The woman I was talking about, she said it's like a psychological enema. I could see, especially like early on when those memories are so at the forefront and they're so painful, I could see why that would be really, really helpful to like a newly grieving person. There's something else I can teach you called havening, like safe havening, havening. it's based on the same principle that when something, when you get triggered,

and one of the things I do with the MDR is the anniversary stuff for sure, because you can access that emotion quickly. Yeah, okay. But havening, if you find yourself getting triggered, it's bilateral hemisphere stimulation. It's this or this, this is my favorite one. And so what you do is you go into the feeling for about 30 seconds. Go into it. And then keep doing it and distract yourself.

Go someplace you love. Go to Hawaii. Go to the beach. Go to spa. Go to mountains. Whatever. The beach. I'll go to the beach.

You love. And then keep doing it for about another two minutes. Wow. And we often will rate on a scale of zero to ten. how are upset are you when you start? And we'll do that like up to six times. And at the end, how upset are you? A couple of days after my dad died.

I was at my mom's house and we were going through papers and someone put a picture of my dead dad in the mortuary, in the random stack papers. And it just pissed me off. I was so angry. And I'm grieving. I'm like, what idiot would do that? And I couldn't stop thinking.

thinking about it. And I'm like home six hours later and I'm still thinking about it. And Hermes showed up. And she, because she was a girl, she said, you treat people who have this problem. What would you tell them to do? Haven. So I sat in a chair and I thought about how angry I was and I did this for 30 seconds. And then I took myself to Hawaii because I used to live there and I love Hawaii. And I'm like, oh, I'm not so bad. And then I did it again. And then I did it again.

And I fell in love with the picture. And that moment has never bothered me since. Wow. And it's just a simple technique to manage your mind so your mind doesn't manage you. Yes, and everyone can do. That's a great skill. And there's a website. the havening.org.

They have therapists who do it. But I think the self-havening. Even my NBA player. I have another one. And I saw him on the bench after he did something he didn't like and he's doing this. And you knew he was, yeah, he was doing his havening. Wait, I just thought of two more quick questions. Can I ask you two more quick questions?

I'm all yours. Okay. The first is do you, what's your take on internal family systems? and like those like the parts of our brain like basically inside out like where we have these people inside of our brain being like I'm angry and I'm sad and I'm joy and taking like what's your take on that? When I was young psychiatrist I used to have my patients imagine their lives as an internal courtroom with the prosecutor and the judge and the jury and I said you just need a better

defense lawyer. Right. Your defense lawyer sucks. Yes, yes. Yeah, it really does help. It's a metaphor. It's a metaphor. Right. Right. Now from my multiple personality disorder patients, I don't like it so much.

Yeah, that's not. And then my other question is, I feel like I'm really good at carpatementalizing things. Like, for instance, with Nick, I would get the worst information, but then have to, like, walk in the door and be a mom to Elvis. And I could literally hear your husband's about, you know, to die. I'm exaggering slightly. But then I'd have to like walk in and be like, hi, Elvis. And I would feel bipolar. But I could easily compartmentalize my brain.

Why? Why can I do that? Because you had a healthy brain. Because I had a healthy. And you could adjust to the situation and be appropriate. And when you felt like you wanted to scream, it wasn't appropriate, so you didn't. Wow.

But if you didn't have a healthy brain. That part would just take over. That part would take over. And I would kick and scream. And you couldn't inhibit. So much of what your frontal lobes do, they're like the break, is they inhibit. Like, we all have weird, crazy, stupid, sexual, wild and thoughts. Yes.

And nobody should ever hear. And when you hurt these things, they get out. Right. And you end up doing things or saying things that don't fit your goals that aren't helpful. Right. Before we stop. Yeah. I want to teach you this process of whenever you feel sad, mad, nervous, or out of control, write down what you're thinking.

Okay. So give me an example of a bad thought. I die and Elvis is all alone. So there are nine different. That's a sad thought. It's already making me quick. But it's a bad one too. But there's nine different kinds of ants.

That's a fortune telling aunt. Okay. And it's a lie. Okay. Because if you died, you have a big family. I do. Yes, you're right. So it's a lie.

That's true. Gosh, it's so true. You're right. So which ones do you think you have? The one you just told me is a fortune tell. Yeah. This is hilarious. Is this in your, is the children's book, the ant eater one?

Is this like kind of what's in? It's not. No, okay, okay. Let's see. Okay, all of nothing. What is that? It actually should be all or nothing. All or nothing.

Where things are all good. I'm like the best answer ever. Or all bad. I'm the worst answer ever. It's where you think in black or white, overgeneralize. Everyone, no one. I don't have too much of that aunt. It can show up, though.

Less than I can go there. Just the bad, not often. Guilt beating. What's that one? Should Maas Dot have to? Yep, I could do that. That ant labeling, I can be that aunt. Forgeant telling, I can be that aunt.

Mind reading. Like I can read other people's minds? That you think you can. You obviously can. Yeah, I do that. I love to read. Oh, yeah, I love to do that. Yeah, that's a bad aunt.

I tell my wife, please don't read my mind. I have enough trouble reading that myself. Oh, yeah. I love to pretend that I can do that. Yeah. If only I'd be happier when. Yep, I can do that, aunt too. Blaming, I don't do that too much.

But yeah. Elvis will have no one if I die. That's fortune telling. It's also a little bit of all or nothing. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. Yeah. And so we just write it down.

Elvis will have no one if I die. And then you go, just answer the questions, honestly. Yeah. Right. Know the truth. The truth will set you free. Right. Is that true?

Elvis will have no one. No. No. Right. Of course not. Right. Because you'll plan for it. Yeah.

And even if you didn't plan for it, you have parents, you have sisters, you have a brother. My brother. Yeah. You have other people. who love him. Yeah, millions. Right? Yeah.

So if one is no, two is automatically no. Right. Three, how does that thought make you feel? The original thought, even though now I know is that true. The original thought makes me feel scared and desperate and alone. So how does that make you act? Probably makes me act like overcompensating. And the outcome is suffering.

Yeah. And how would you feel if you didn't have the thought? Free and relaxed. And how would you act? More joyful. And the outcome is peace. Yeah. And then we take the original thought and we turn it to the opposite.

So that's the last one. Yeah. What's the opposite? If I die, Elvis will be alone. If I die, he'll have, he'll be surrounded by love. You have any evidence that that's true? That that thought is true, yes, I have a ton of evidence. That's true.

And that's where you meditate. Okay. Can you just see the difference between if I die, Elvis will have no one and the tears come and you're so sad. Yeah. Versus if I die, he'll be surrounded by love. That means you're a little less important than you thought you were. That's true. That's true.

But he'll be surrounded by love because you created the environment where he will be surrounded by love. Boy, and if you just like... That's taking a thought captive. Yeah. So, so, I mean, that's like in real time. Yeah. Are you listening to AM, the thoughts that are against me or to FM, which is the thoughts that are for me? Yeah.

And it's not pie in the sky. thinking. It's just accurate thinking, which is what I want for you. Right. It's retraining your brain. Yeah. To look for what is true. What is true. Right. Lovely. Good. Worthy of praise. Let your mind dwell on these things. Such good lessons today. Good, like really great takeaways, reminders. You have been watching Change Your Brain every day. This is. has been so much fun with Amanda Kloots. Where can they get your book? Oh, goodness.

Everywhere, anywhere, any bookstore, Amazon, all the places. And how can they learn more about your work and what you're up to? Follow me on Instagram at Amanda Kluz. That's the main source. You'll put a link. Leave us a comment, question, review, subscribe. We love being here for you.