Change Your Brain Every Day - Are Relationships Always Worth Rescuing?

Episode Date: September 6, 2017

As a relational species, we are often inspired to step in and get involved in the lives of friends and family members who may be experiencing difficulties. However, there often comes a time where the physical and emotional costs cause us to question if our involvement is truly in our own best interest. In this episode of The Brain Warrior’s Way Podcast, Dr. Daniel Amen and Tana Amen reflect on their personal rewards from helping out a family member.

Welcome to the Brain Warriors Way podcast. I'm Dr. Daniel Amen. And I'm Tana Amen. Here we teach you how to win the fight for your brain to defeat anxiety, depression, memory loss, ADHD, and addictions. The Brain Warriors Way podcast is brought to you by Amen Clinics, where we've transformed lives for three decades using brain spec imaging to better target treatment and natural ways to heal the brain. For more information, visit amenclinics.com.

The Brain Warriors Way podcast is also brought to you by BrainMD, where we produce the highest quality nutraceutical products to support the health of your brain and body. For more information, visit brainmdhealth.com. Welcome to the Brain Warriors Way podcast. So today we're going to talk about something very personal and special. We're going to give you an update on a situation we have been going through now for what, 10 months, about 10 months. Um, so, and the title of this is our relationships always worth rescuing. And for me, it would depend on when you asked me that question, right? So, um, growing up in a fairly chaotic environment when I was young and having some pretty difficult relationships in our family, um, it was easier for me to sort of walk away. I'd made it, you know,

easier to walk away and build walls. And if things got too chaotic, if there's too much chaos and drama, bye-bye I'm out. So, um, I'm leaving because it was a defense mechanism. It was my way of protecting myself, protecting my family. And I had this crazy rule. It's like this no drama rule, especially at certain times in my family. So like times in the morning when I'm getting ready with Chloe and we have our little rituals, it's like, nope, you don't get to call and create any drama in my life between the hours of X and Y. And so I made it so rigid that that almost was drama causing, right? So no one was allowed to like call me with any problems or anything during these hours because it was my way of handling drama. Your way of dealing with it.

My way of dealing with it. Yeah. So we talk a lot about how to handle, you know, how to deal with things in your lives. And we deal with patients. And it's really easy to talk about some of this stuff when it's not your own family. And we've had plenty of drama in our own homes and in our own lives and obviously here at Amen Clinics where we see patients who have mental health issues, plenty of drama. So we believe normal is a myth. Normal is a myth. And I like to say sometimes normal is overrated, right?

So I've... But about a year ago... Right, yeah, about a year ago... About a year ago, there was serious drama. A really big situation that happened. My sister, who I haven't talked to, I hadn't spoken to her for quite some time, didn't really even know where she was for a while. I got a call that what had happened is her children had been taken by CPS,

DHS or CPS child protective services. I didn't really understand why she was not an abusive person, but we didn't really understand what was going on and they were out of state. So we got involved. And at first I did not want to get involved. And I'm like, Oh, here we go again. It's drama. It's drama. And I have my no drama policy. So I'm like, whatever it is, like, I just can't deal with it. And then I'm like, you know, wait, we can't do that. And Daniel, of course, like, if you don't want to get involved in drama, family drama, never marry a psychiatrist who wants to save the world. Like, I'm just putting that out there right now. Like, just don't do it. So, uh, no, he's amazing. So he,

he is like, I don't know if there's anyone in my family that you haven't sort of tried to rescue at this point, but so he... And been actually fairly successful. Yeah, been very successful actually. So, you know, you said we have no choice. Like this is... You can't let children go into foster care. No, no, no. I agree with that. The reason I, the thing that got me was when the kids went into foster care. So there'm one of seven children. Family's always been incredibly important to me. And when I saw that family just blow apart and the government get involved, I'm like, no, we have to get involved. And that's when I went, you know, you're absolutely right. So then the question becomes, at what level do we get involved? We had to get the kids out of

foster care. We knew that. But at what level do we get involved? And he's like, same thing. He always says, bring her down. Let's let's scan her. Let's figure out what's happening. Cause we actually didn't know what was happening. So, um, I have to say, we're going to update you. Like she's the, she's becoming just one of our biggest success stories right now. It's been amazing. So that relationship for me has really turned around and healed. But more importantly, on Mother's Day, she got the kids back, and that was just huge. So the kids are back with her right now.

That relationship is healing. So it was about October and September the kids got taken away and, uh, bumps and setbacks. Um, but through consistent loving, uh, behavior, mostly on your part, um, lots of coaching. A lot of coaching with, from my team. Okay. And my favorite picture, my favorite picture is initially you go, your kids are involved. You need to put on your big girl panties. So let me clarify that. She was devastated. I mean, imagine, right? Suicidal. Suicidal. She was suicidal because she lost her home, her family, her kids, didn't have a job. I mean, everything all at once, right? One of those stressors is enough for someone to sort of lose it. She had everything, everything happened all at once. So she was suicidal. And, um, and I, some of her behavior became erratic, understandably because of that happening. And so at that point I was like, you need to suck it up. Like, I'm not

kidding right now. You need to be a warrior and you need to put on your big girl panties because like, this is like, I'm not kidding. And so the joke with us now is I bought her a pair of big girl training pants, right? Because that was like our joke between us. And now she keeps them as a reminder, like to put on your big girl. She's she looked at me, she goes, did you just tell me to put on my big girl pants? I did. Like, I'm not joking. That actually became the theme of this rehabilitation. Um, I think Tana's next book is going to be called put on your big girl panties. Right. It is, but I have to tell you. So for me, there's a few things I want to talk about with this live chat.

It was hard. Like I'm not gonna, I'm not lying right now. Like it was hard. There were points along this journey that it was hard, but the payoff now is amazing. I don't think we talk a lot about eternal value. I don't think there's anything that could probably be more important than this. Um, seeing that relationship, not just with us, but with her, with her kids and the whole family coming back together. It's pretty amazing, but I got to tell you, it was not easy. There were points that I questioned whether I wanted to like, how much more can I do? How much more do I want to get involved? Um, I I've never had panic attacks in my life where I like literally had like nightmares and panic attacks. I was having nightmares. I was having panic attacks, waking him up at midnight going, I can't do this. Like I just can't do this. So, you know, I'm not, I don't consider myself like this, like psychically

gifted person, but I knew that there were some things happening, like just intuitively, like my body was telling me, okay, you can, you need to handle this very carefully. So I was having these panic attacks and I knew that if we did things wrong, I really believed my sister would be absolutely suicidal. So we were careful how we handled it. And I think the way that we did it was, was beautiful. We made sure we boosted her and we put most of the work on her so that she would have to build herself up so that she had the confidence then. And so rather than us just swooping in and rescuing her, you know, we did the hand up, not hand out thing where she had to do the work and she had to work to get them back. And that way when she got them back, she didn't feel like we just did it so that she felt like a failure.

She felt like she actually had to work hard and now she feels successful and she feels more confident. And she has a job and she's working. Absolutely. She's doing amazing. But the other thing is, is I had to have a team myself. So to caretakers out there or people who are going through this, I get it because I was like, there were times I wanted to drown her. I wanted to strangle her. I'm like, I'm, I was frustrated. Say too much of that. Okay. But it was true. No, it was true. It was hard. And I need, they need to know the truth. It was hard.

So it's really easy for me to sit here and talk to patients and draw little diagrams and go, okay, well, it's not going to be easy every day. They're going to have setbacks. But when you're in the middle of those setbacks, it's not easy. Right. And what's the term for setbacks? Curious, not furious. When somebody does something you like, become curious. Why did that happen? Rather than angry and judgmental. But there were times I was furious.

Angry and judgmental doesn't help. And the goal is, well, what can I do to be helpful in this situation? So I got lucky because I had an amazing team. I was furious. But I had you and I had an amazing team. I was furious, but I had you and I had one amazing social worker. Now, some of them, not so much, but one that was absolutely amazing. She is like, literally, I'm thinking she's just like racking up points in heaven because she's ridiculously like committed. But you know, she would look at me and she's like, it's not time

to give up. Like I've seen worse get better. And I'm like, okay. And then you were just always right there. And with that kind of a support system. So you need a support system. If you're the one involved in the trenches in the day to day, you've got to have a support system. So figure out who that can be.

So if you have a family member who's bipolar or you have a family member who's an addict or, um, they're just acting erratic. So the first thing we did was scanned her. We went, how much of this is biological versus just a bad character? And it was complicated. We don't need to go into all of it, but it was complicated. Like many of you deal with, it was complicated. And then we actually found out she had something called Erlen syndrome. She'd been in 19 accidents.

It's a visual processing disorder. Um, and through a effort to get these kids in a stable environment because we don't want them growing up with the same drama and trauma and then just perpetuating this negative cycle of behavior. But what was really interesting is when I get when I get feedback now, um, from the social worker and she's like, her insights actually amazing. Like she's a good mom. So things went off track and that can happen. What is it? You said it's more normal to have a problem at some point in your life than it is to not have a problem. This isn't unique to us. It's not unique to you. Like at some point, someone in your family is likely to have a problem. So rather than feeling shame or, you know, running away from it,

just understand it happens to most families at some point. And when she got the right treatment to hear that from the social worker, she's like, no, she's actually an awesome mom. She's got amazing insight. But when all of those stressors stacked in her life, it snapped, right? It just snapped. Anybody can do that. Ultimately, one of the best things that ever happened to her because she was really going sideways, going the wrong way, and now will be stronger than ever before. And now she's got a support system. And so that's really good. So what are some of the big lessons?

So one of them is the team. I actually wrote it down because this is really, really important. And what we said is we titled this, Are Relationships Always Worth Rescuing? The truth is I think you have to know, I think you also have to know about the relationship with yourself and you can answer this better as a doctor. I don't know if that's always true, because it depends on whether or not it's abusive to you.

Right. I mean, some toxic relationships are not worth rescuing. You can love people from a distance. Because they damage you. And I was reading a quote by Pastor Rick Warren, who's a friend of ours, and he said, sometimes God encourages people to leave your life, don't chase them. Stop chasing them, right? Stop chasing them. So you also have to understand and be kind to yourself and love the relationship with

yourself. And so I did a lot of praying. This one was worth rescuing, no question. And to see them whole as a family again is just... Joyful. That's eternal value, right? Joyful. So don't give up.

I mean, you know, and I had that team that helped me not to give up and clear boundaries. So I still have my drama, my no drama boundary. I still have those rules in place. And so everyone understands what those boundaries are. But I also had to learn,

you know, how to, um, be a little more flexible and yeah, it's not, no, I know it's not easy, but it's okay. Um, but it's okay to have boundaries too. So we're, you know, everybody's very clear and sometimes those boundaries are, they create safety. So one of the reasons that they like being around me, my sister wants to be near us, is because she's like, it's safe near you.

You're actually like the mom that I really need is because those boundaries for her are really important and she's come to love them. So boundaries aren't a bad thing. They're really healthy. Those were some of my lessons. I don't know, what about you? Stay with it.

Understand the brain. Your brain can have problems like your heart can have problems or your immune system can have problems and you have cancer. You know, it's just crazy to me that when people's behavior gets really sideways, people become so judgmental. I was one of them. They would not be judgmental if they had cancer or they had a liver infection or they had a bone disease and it just it makes me so sad because most psychiatrists never look at the brain and so we really don't, in a crisis of behavior, we don't as a society put

the brain in the center of that crisis and go, is it working or not working? I testified in a death penalty case. I was just writing about this for a new book I'm working on. And this guy killed four people in 11 days on a meth run. And when I went to court with his very damaged brain and explained it to the jury, the prosecutor was not happy. And when he got up to cross-examine me, he said, Dr. Raymond, I understand you grew up Catholic. I said, yes, sir. He said, as a Catholic, don't you believe in evil? And I stopped. And I said, yes, sir, I do believe in evil. But I'd never call anybody evil unless I could scan them first. And I think we just have to begin to change our paradigm when people's behavior goes rogue, when it goes bad, when it's not helpful, somebody should be asking, is there a brain component to it?

So I really want to honor you for a second. Okay. Because I was one of those people, I was extremely judgmental. When I met you, didn't want to date a psychiatrist, didn't want to be psychoanalyzed. It's black and white. You do a bad thing, you should be fried. Like, that's just it. It's just because my life was so not easy growing up, and I wanted rules.

And I mean, like, not kidding, rules in place to protect people. And you had judgment. A judgment, big time. And I wanted to be the judge and the jury. Judge, tab judgment. Judgment, big time. And I wanted to be the judge and the jury. Judge and jury. So, yes, judge and jury. So, but that was a safety, that was like a defense mechanism for safety. And it was really hard. We had some interesting conversations, let me tell you. So it was really hard for me to even imagine like relaxing that judgment at all ever. Um, but when I saw it begin to, when I saw what you do, what we do, um, begin to affect my own family and heal my family where I could then

begin to heal relationships, you know, are all relationships worth rescuing? Dear Lord. Um, you know, it healed my relationship with my dad after not talking to him for decades. Um, you know, and so, and now my sister and you know, this is, this is really important and it's not easy to change what something you've believed for a long time, even if what you believed wasn't totally accurate, but I want to honor you with that. It's still a hard thing for me to let go of sometimes because it kept me safe. But it doesn't mean that it can't be better than it was. You're going to make me cry. And the fact is, if you don't look, you don't know. And somebody who had 19 car accidents, really? I thought she was just a really bad driver and irresponsible. Right, that she's irresponsible when she had a visual processing disorder,

and that's how you get 19 car accidents. Well, and let me just tell you, I want to talk about that for a second. She thought she wouldn't tell anyone because she thought they would think she was seriously crazy. She would see these weird halos and weird lights and, like, laser beams, like she can't be under fluorescent lights, but she wouldn't tell anyone seriously crazy, she would see these weird halos and weird lights and like laser beams. Like when

she would like, she can't be under fluorescent lights, but she wouldn't tell anyone because she's like, people are going to think that I have schizophrenia or they're going to think that I have some weird, you know, they're going to lock me up if I tell them that. So instead she would just go around driving and getting into car accidents. So people would just think that she was irresponsible and shouldn't be driving. We got her the glasses for Erlen syndrome. Bam, changed everything. I mean, it was really kind of creepy and eerie. Yeah, so I think a couple of the big things, we did a spec scan on her.

We then gave her nutrients to help heal her damaged brain. I mean, she was really… She had the Erlen syndrome, I-R-L-E-N.com. Yeah, her vitamin D was like, what, six? Her vitamin D was like awful. So give the brain the nutrients it needs, get them a great coach so they can begin to get their thoughts better, clearer.

And all of a sudden what we saw is her family begin to heal and there's just nothing cooler What we saw is her family begin to heal. And there's just nothing cooler than being involved in that. And over the weekend, we saw them. And the little girl, she fell and Tana helped her. Tana acted like Tana always does. She's the nurse.

And she looked at her and said, I want to be like you. And so she now has a really cool model of healing and somebody to look up to. So are relationships always worth rescuing? The answer is no. I mean, if you're with someone who's beaten you, absolutely not. But it is worth rescuing yourself. So that's the relationship you should work on. Thanks so much. Thank you for listening to the Brain Warriors Way podcast. Go to iTunes and leave a review and you'll automatically be entered into a drawing to get a free signed copy of The Brain Warrior's Way and The Brain Warrior's Way cookbook we give away every month.