Change Your Brain Every Day - Are You Spiritually Bankrupt?

Episode Date: July 4, 2019

It should come as no surprise that those with the deepest sense of meaning and purpose tend to have the strongest relationships. So what about those whose lives carry no deeper sense of meaning? In the final episode of a series on how to ruin your marriage, Dr. Daniel Amen and Tana Amen discuss the role spirituality plays in a relationship. Whether spirituality is defined as religious beliefs or a sense of connecting with something larger than oneself, it’s important to realize how your version of that connection affects your connections with those closest to you.

Welcome to the Brain Warriors Way podcast. I'm Dr. Daniel Amen. And I'm Tana Amen. In our podcast, we provide you with the tools you need to become a warrior for the health of your brain and body. The Brain Warriors Way podcast is brought to you by Amen Clinics, where we have been transforming lives for 30 years using tools like brain spec imaging to personalize treatment to your brain. For more information, visit amenclinics.com. The Brain Warriors Way podcast is also brought to you by BrainMD, where we produce the highest quality nutraceuticals to support the health of your brain and body. To learn more, go to brainmd.com. Welcome back. We're going to talk about your spirituality and ruining relationships. I actually like this.

How are we going to do that? I want you to think about your relationship with God, your relationship with your deepest sense of meaning and purpose, and how that's impacting the relationship that you have. If you're spiritually bankrupt. We're talking primarily about love relationships, but it really can impact any relationship. All relationships. Because if you're spiritually bankrupt. We're talking primarily about love relationships, but it really can impact any relationship. Because if you're spiritually bankrupt, it's really challenging. If you're spiritually bankrupt and you're not whole within yourself, it's pretty hard to give to other people. So what question should we ask? How is your sense of spirituality impacting your primary relationship?

And if you're not sure, then that's okay. Post that too. Ask us questions. Because we actually have a whole chapter on finding your purpose in Brain Warrior's Way, on how to find your purpose, on how to understand your deeper sense of spiritual connection. I mean, for us, it's a religious, it's God. But for some people who aren't in that place, connecting to a sense of purpose is an important step. So when I talk about purpose with my patients, I ask them about their relationship with God, how they see that, their relationship with the planet, their relationship with the

past, and their relationship with the future. So, you know, I- Sort of upward, outward. Well, it sort of comes out in a cross, which is cool. But for me, the past is I primarily think about my grandfather, who I was named after, who was my best friend growing up. I think about how important my past is. But I also think about my grandchildren and their children. So I'm thinking about the future, my relationship with the planet, because if the planet's not here, we're not going to be here,

and then my relationship with God. What's your purpose? And as you said, if you don't have a purpose, then it's easy to act in ways that are harmful to other people. I mean, I'm obviously very purposeful when it comes to you because you're my primary relationship. You are. You are very purposeful. And my mother, speaking of what happened in the past, my mom was actually super clear. And she had seven children. That my father was her number one yeah she's

interesting yeah that it wasn't the children and she's not as so many of you are like oh no the children are it and she's also not a meddling mother-in-law so I mean she's and but you know as much as I love all of our children that you are going to be here long after they are gone. And I take care of my marriage first. It's the first thing I do. I actually think that gives kids a sense of stability and settles them. And I've often said and heard it said that the best thing you can do for your kids is love your wife or love your husband. That they get a model and with half the marriages ending in divorce, divorce is not innocuous for children. It's harmful for them.

Now, being in a relationship that's filled with chronic conflict is not good for them either. You have to protect your children either but so knowing your purpose in the relationship and obviously um if you are attracted to someone who doesn't have the same spirituality you have or the same purpose or values, but they make your toes tingle, you want to really think about it. That's not going to stay there forever. So it's got to be a deeper connection. I mean, that might be fun for a little while, but if it's not a deeper connection, if you don't share the same values, just look at the divorce rate.

I mean, that doesn't last if you can't connect at a deeper level. So I love that we share the same purpose for helping people, right? And we don't always agree on the situations, like the actual situation moment to moment, but our deeper values are very much in line. And so that's what keeps us connected. So what are the things, the spiritual things you've seen that screw up relationships? Well, so for me, in my mind, when someone does not have a sense of purpose, when they're not spiritually connected, if they're spiritually bankrupt, let's put it that way, it makes it too easy. There's no reason to do the right thing. There is no sense of accountability.

You mean if we're just here by random chance? Go do what you want. Go play, do what you want. You don't have to be kind. You don't have to be truthful. You don't have to do a lot of things that you that you're held accountable to if you do believe in a deeper a much higher purpose it's easier to have an affair it's easier to do a lot of things yeah and so but if you and easier to be mean no that doesn't mean people that have that sense of purpose or believe in god or whatever you know you want to call it have that sense of meaning and purpose in their lives that doesn't mean they won't make those mistakes they clearly do but they typically learn from them and feel bad about it and try to become better as a result.

That's the difference, right? So do you learn from your mistakes? Do you try to be a better person? Do you have a sense of responsibility and accountability? Are you willing to apologize for your past? Or do you just think, well, so what we're only here once let's go live and party and, you know, have a good time, live hard,

die young, leave a good looking corpse. I mean, what is your, what is your, what is the 80s rockstar thing? What is your live hard, die young,

leave a good looking corpse. Yeah. So, but it's only good looking for like, it's only, it's only good looking if you die young. It's only good looking if you die young. But yeah, if you have no sense of accountability, it's easy to do that, right? Sex, drugs, rock and roll, baby.

I mean, whatever. There's no reason to do something more than for yourself in the moment. It's selfish. You know, I think of part of my purpose is to be a good partner because we are better together rather than- Way more powerful too. Just separate. And I think sharing a purpose of being of service is helpful. Super helpful.

As well. Because then we can share the joy and we can share the stories and we can do the work like we do with the Brain Warriors Way podcast, that that's a purposeful thing we do on a regular basis. I think we're like 420 podcasts or something crazy. And it's so fun. I want you to think about how you can bring purpose into your relationships.

What are the things you can do together that really bring a deeper sense of meaning and purpose to your lives? And if you don't have one and you've, I'm actually curious too, to hear from people, have your behaviors been selfish? If you can be honest about that, if it's been self-centered because you don't have that sense of purpose, then if you're honest about that, it gives you a starting place to change it. So, you know, let us know, like, this is a place for me to change. It's a place for me to start. It's really important. And just something super simple. Right. You know, what is the one thing I can do today to have a meaningful life? I like the two questions. What is the thing we can do together?

I love the question, and you taught me this question. Why is the world a better place because I breathe? That instantly puts responsibility on you. Why is the world a better place because I breathe? That instantly puts responsibility on you. Why is the world a better place because I breathe or because you breathe? So that's something I taught Chloe when she used to say, it's not fair. Life isn't fair. It's about you taking responsibility and making it better, right? So I love that you taught me that one.

And one of my favorites is, does it have eternal value? Because instantly that puts things in perspective. If I'm mad, if I'm frustrated, if I'm self-centered, does it have eternal value? Am I going to think about this 10 minutes from now, five years from now? If not, that is not a purposeful thing to be thinking about. And one of my favorite exercises I did in college, I took a death and dying class. Me too. Yeah, it was really great. I was actually writing your funeral.

Yeah. You know, at the end of your life, what is it you want people... And that really... Not really what people think of me, because I've learned that's just a trap. What is it that I would have wanted to accomplish or what has been important?

How do you want to be thought, have thought, been thought about? Um, that's what's important. But that lends itself to eternal value about me at the end of my life. Have I lived a life worth living? And was I a great part?

And you know what's so important about that? In my 20s, like, I love that question. Because in my 20s, I'd have been like, oh, dear. But then in my 30s, I started working hard toward that. And now at this point in my life, I feel like it's manifesting. And it's such a great place to be. But asking yourself that question can really stop you dead in your tracks. Like, at the end of my life, if I had a funeral right now,

are people going to get up and say the things about me that I wish they would have said? So will I be the person that I wanted to be? Well, I don't know. With my children, it's actually scary. I'm not sure what they're going to say and I'm glad I won't be there, I suppose. So from a spiritual standpoint, how does that influence your relationship? Post that and then tag the Brain Warriors Way podcast. Leave us a review on brainwarriorswaypodcast.com. And this whole series, what are the three or four ways, what are the things you do to mess up your relationship? Because if you know what they are, you can change it. Stay with us. If you're enjoying the Brain Warriors

Way podcast, please don't forget to subscribe so you'll always know when there's a new episode. And while you're at it, feel free to give us a review or five-star rating as that helps others find the podcast. If you're interested in coming to Amen Clinics, use the code PODCAST10 to get a 10% discount on a full evaluation at amenclinics.com. For more information, give us a call at 855-978-1363.