Change Your Brain Every Day - Could a Passing Away of a Loved One be a Beautiful Thing?

Episode Date: April 25, 2019

This past week of The Brain Warrior’s Way Podcast has told the story of how Tana’s father’s health issues ultimately changed their family dynamic for the better. This episode brings the story to a conclusion, with Dr. Daniel Amen and Tana Amen revealing exactly what happened during her father’s final moments.

Welcome to the Brain Warriors Way podcast. I'm Dr. Daniel Amen. And I'm Tana Amen. In our podcast, we provide you with the tools you need to become a warrior for the health of your brain and body. The Brain Warriors Way podcast is brought to you by Amen Clinics, where we have been transforming lives for 30 years using tools like brain spec imaging to personalize treatment to your brain. For more information, visit amenclinics.com. The Brain Warriors Way podcast is also brought to you by BrainMD, where we produce the highest quality nutraceuticals to support the health of your brain and body. To learn more, go to brainmd.com. Welcome back to the Reluctant Healer Week. Before we talk about the day your dad died, this is from Blissful Baboon. So true about the relationship between autism and gluten and dairy sensitivity.

Radical improvements have been observed when kids, autistic kids are taken off gluten and dairy and given probiotics to help their microbiome. Leaky gut is often the cause of food allergies and subsequent brain dysfunction. So leaky gut should often the cause of food allergies and subsequent brain dysfunction. So leaky gut should be addressed and treated. Thank you so much for sending that in. We absolutely agree with that. And encharitos don't help your gut. Okay, stop. So that is not what happened.

So interesting because the hospice physician had come to the house, and he said, oh, he's probably got a couple more weeks. They really thought that my dad was doing fine, and he had at least a couple more weeks even though he was in hospice. And so his vitals were stable. Everything was good. And I want to just credit a couple. I mean, first of all, I've already talked about hospice and how amazing they are.

But one of the ministers, because he had been leading Bible study over at a church near us, Mariner's Church, and one of the ministers there, Eric Hurd, was a pretty amazing guy. And he came to the house, because my dad really wanted to talk to a minister, and so Eric Hurd came to the house and spent the day with him. And here's what was interesting. My dad was still having a hard time letting the past go, his guilt. He's still having a hard time letting go of his guilt from the mistakes he had made, mostly with his daughters, right? There's three of us, my two

half sisters and me. So that he was really having a hard time reconciling this. And so Eric came and they, I don't know what happened during these few hours, but whatever happened was really powerful. So when I went in to go see my dad, he was, he was crying and he was happy and he, he really, it really seemed like whatever happened, he really finally had gotten it. And so I sat with him for a little while and we talked about it. And I, once again, you know, reassured him. I'm like, dad, none of us are carrying that anymore. Like you don't, don't go with that. Don't go with that thought. We're, we're all fine. We've all let go. We all love you. Like let it go. You know? And so, and it really, for the first time seemed like he really had done that. He was just peaceful. He was super peaceful

and then he slipped away. So he supposedly had a couple of weeks and it was just peaceful he was super peaceful and then he slipped away so he supposedly had a couple of weeks and it was just like the second he let go he like slipped away and he was just all of a sudden not conscious anymore he was alive but he wasn't really conscious and so he was like moaning and he was not conscious and it was shortly after the entreato as you pointed out um so um but that was not what did it um i really believe it was because he just had unfinished business and he, you know, he had been praying to take care of that and he was able to take care of it. So he, the day that he died, I mean, he had spent this time with the minister that he had wanted. He was able to let that go. He was in such a peaceful place. You know,

the hospice nurse had been so amazing with me and really helping me. And then I was literally sitting in his bed. I was, I was holding him. I was like cradling him and I was praying with him and you came in and you were holding his hand and he passed away. And it was just this incredibly peaceful, amazing day. And it sounds so strange for that to happen during someone's death, but there was nothing traumatic about it. It was actually just a great day. So we all knew it was coming. And so working on healing his brain and subsequently your relationship with him, what kind of legacy or what kind of imprint does that leave on your psyche? So I'd done a lot of praying about this because I really didn't want to do it.

And there's been several situations like that afterwards. We'll talk about it another time. So I did a lot of praying about it. And what came to me was the same thing happened with the Salvation Army when we were working with people, a population that was hard for me. And when I prayed about that, the same thought had come to me. It's like, why don't you understand? Why don't you trust me? I'm not putting you there. I'm putting you there for your benefit. I'm doing this for your benefit. And what came to me was the help is for them, but the healing is for me. And so I'm like, why is this so, why do I keep repeating the same

dumb mistake when, when it's so, it's, it's happened repeatedly, right? So the help is for them, but the healing is for us. And so sometimes it's really hard. Sometimes we don't want to do these things. But when we give of ourselves in a way that is painful, that is hard, that is, in my mind, what came to me. And there are times I do believe that we, there are times I believe we shouldn't do it.

I do believe that there are certain boundaries that we have to have to protect ourselves, to protect our families. But there are other times when we know that we're supposed to be doing something and we don't want to do it. And we don't want to do it because of our own past, our own pain. But when we stretch ourselves, it helps us to bridge those gaps and tear down those walls. And it heals something broken in us. And that's what sort of came to me through all of this process was I am like not kidding. And people who know me would not see a scared, broken person. They would see sort of a scary kind of person because that's what I

created to protect myself. It's like, there's walls you don't get to get through. And if you try, God help you. But that's my facade, right? But what this did, bridging that and stretching past all of that, it breaks that down. it heals that brokenness so let's wrap this for our brain warriors what would you see is the biggest lessons in this story well i think i just said it when you stretch yourself in a way that is hard for you, first of all, protect yourself. Have boundaries that you know. You don't want to ever put your family in harm and in jeopardy. But when you can do that, the help is often for someone else, but the healing is often for you.

I think that's the number one lesson. And I think it helps to heal the brokenness and that broken relationships are often caused by brain dysfunction so there's a biological piece to why relationships are hard. I can't tell you the number of husbands we've seen here where the wife says, I'm leaving you unless you go get evaluated because the relationship is so hard. They to know is there a brain reason and if there is would you please fix it would you please optimize it and so often when people do that their relationships can be better but it doesn't just heal the psychological imprint on your brain

that for you and your dad, even as he got better, you both still had to work through that. It was actually easier for you than for him, which is interesting. Because when his brain got better, he suddenly was faced with the stuff he did. So he had to deal with that. Because when his brain got better, it was faced with the stuff he did so he had to deal with that because when his brain got better it was like oh whoops like what happened and when your brain's not right the first person you blame is not yourself it's other people right and suddenly he was blaming himself that was the first time i had ever seen that because he had more empathy yeah before that

he was always a victim so which just used to irritate me to no end. You know, like why are you such, it just irritates me when people act like victims anyway. And another lesson, even for things we don't want to do, sometimes they stretch us and change us in a way that helps us be reluctant healers. Yeah, and I think maybe we should do a series on daddy issues. Because I think what's really interesting is as that relationship healed,

I began to see so many things different. I didn't even realize. So prior to that, I mean, part of it's because my dad was this minister. And so my faith was really sort of affected. Whatever religion you are, if your relationship with your dad is, or whatever you believe in, if your relationship with your dad or your parents or whatever is not right, it can affect how you see the world or how you see your faith or your religion. And it certainly did with me.

And all of a sudden, one day, I realized, I woke up and I went, my dad is human. My dad is a man. He's not God. Like it just, you know, it just, this, this sort of awakening. And it's like, why am I, why am I blaming God for what my dad did? And it's, it's, it's sort of like helped me and it let, it broke free all of that baggage. And it also at the same time helped me, I believe with my relationship with you. So, because I think your intimate relationships are affected by all that negativity and that baggage and what you think. Like for example, I've said in our other podcasts, I was absolutely convinced that you were manipulative because no one is that nice. Because my template was not set for that. So if you were being that nice, itulative because no one is that nice because my template was not set for that so

if you were being that nice it's because i was waiting for the other shoe to fall because you had to be wanting something so i did want something yeah well okay but what you wanted was actually a loving relationship okay that's okay to want i was not that's not my template of men in relationships though does that make sense so i was really smart and spending time healing your primary yeah your primary relationship with a male so that you didn't have to bring oh i was always waiting for the other shoe to fall and always ready to walk out the door our relationship and now what did you say if the only reason you're going to run is if you're chasing me till death do us part let me be clear so we hope this is helpful for you relationships are just so important but they're also complicated

and if you're really struggling, one, the first thing, we want you to get your brain right, because when your brain's right, you're more helpful, more thoughtful, more goal-directed. And if the people in your life act badly or troubled, it very well could be the head injury that they had experienced, or it could be the biological depression that they inherited, or it could be an overgrowth of candida, which can cause insomnia, anxiety, and brain fog. And most people aren't thinking about that. We just judge people as you're good, you're bad, you're for me, you're not for me. And it's way more complicated. So brain warriors, they're armed, prepared, and aware to win the fight of their lives.

So true. Stay with us. If you're enjoying the Brain Warriors Way podcast, please don't forget to subscribe so you'll always know when there's a new episode. And while you're at it, feel free to give us a review or five-star rating as that helps others find the podcast. If you're interested in coming to Amen Clinics, use the code PODCAST10 to get a 10% discount on a full evaluation at amenclinics.com. For more information, give us a call at 855-978-1363.