Change Your Brain Every Day - Do You Have Trouble Managing Your Protective Reflex?

Episode Date: November 12, 2020

In this episode of The Brain Warrior’s Way Podcast, Tana opens up about the trauma she experienced as a child, and how it has shaped the way she approaches situations as an adult. Touching on some of the lessons learned in her new book “The Relentless Courage of a Scared Child,” Tana and Dr. Daniel Amen discuss the importance of having a clear voice, and what can happen if that voice is silenced.  For more information on Tana's new book, "The Relentless Courage of a Scared Child", visit relentlesscourage.com  

Welcome to the Brain Warriors Way podcast. I'm Dr. Daniel Amen. And I'm Tana Amen. In our podcast, we provide you with the tools you need to become a warrior for the health of your brain and body. The Brain Warriors Way podcast is brought to you by Amen Clinics, where we have been transforming lives for 30 years using tools like brain spec imaging to personalize treatment to your brain. For more information, visit amenclinics.com. The Brain Warriors Way podcast is also brought to you by BrainMD, where we produce the highest quality nutraceuticals to support the health of your brain and body. To learn more, go to Brainmd.com. Welcome back. You know, this was actually one of the hardest times that you experienced. So we've talked about being molested and your mom was a hero in that story where she believed you she protected you but then something happened yeah so I felt very validated um yeah she tried to kill him it was

very dramatic and it was that was fairly traumatic all by itself just the whole drama of the whole situation, but I felt validated. And then, you know, I mean, things are complicated and I've spent years trying to sort of figure it out. And I think I sort of have, but at the time I didn't understand it. So I was working and all of a sudden we owned a pet store at the time. So I was working in the store and all of a sudden he called and I hear his voice. I never thought I would have to see him or hear from him again. And I hear his voice on the phone. It was like someone sucker punched me. And this is your stepfather who molested you.

Yeah. And so I hear that voice, that just slimy, sweet, icky voice that just triggered me. And for the first time in my life, I wasn't timid. I was always a timid kid. I had learned to hide. I had learned to be quiet. I had learned to sort of stay out of the way, fly under the radar. And for the first time I felt angry. And so I was really angry and I just sort of lost it. And so I, um, I yelled something, some words I shouldn't have yelled and well, maybe I should have actually, I don't words I shouldn't have yelled. And well, maybe I should have.

Actually, I don't think I shouldn't have. Let me take that back. I yelled some words that I'm not going to repeat. Let me put it that way. And so I took the phone and there was this metal sort of cage sitting next to me. And I slammed the phone down on the cage intentionally to like, you know, hurt his ears, if you will. And so my mom and I yelled for my mom to come and she came and she got mad at me. And so she comes over and she's mad at me. And she's like, you know, be polite. And I'm like, I'm not going to be polite to him. You know, he tried to rape me. And she's like, Tana, be polite. Now there were a lot of reasons that she said that, that I

didn't understand at the time. All I heard and all I felt was her taking my voice away when, you know, in a situation where I was the victim. And I felt like that was just so wrong. And I was so angry at her. And even though we were really close, my mom and I were really close when I was growing up, but that sort of left this like seed of resentment that festered for a while. It took me a while to sort of figure that out. And I made this decision on my own

that I would never let anyone take my voice again. I was not timid after that. So I went a little extreme. Anybody here would think you're timid. No, and I went a little extreme the other direction right it took me a while to find balance because when i went from the extreme of being timid to finding my voice and not really having guidance with it and not feeling supported in it that caused me to lash out a lot so i was like i sounded like this very angry teenager for a while and i was

um but i i could really hurt people. It was, my tongue was very caustic. Let's put it that way. And it took me a while to learn the power of my voice, that it has the power to heal and it has the power to hurt. And that took maturity and a lot of work because for a while I didn't have that. I was just like, I will literally cut you down. Um, so if you get in the way or you try to hurt me and, you know, so now with maturity, I've learned how to handle it differently. But I can go to the dark side if someone is threatening me or my family. Really?

Yeah, a little bit. And so, but I've taught my daughter something. I would rather my daughter. I have examples. I would rather my daughter air on the side of saying something inappropriate when she's in fear, when she's in fear and not being polite and then apologizing later if she's wrong than being this sweet, polite little girl and getting hurt. I will never go along with that. It's not okay with me.

So I did not raise a wallflower. No, you didn't. So what can people do? Because I think people probably relating to your story about when they lost their voice or they found it and they don't have control over it what are some of the helpful things you found so you know for a while i'd hear this this i'd hear these phrases like oh she's a bitch or she's you know she's a scary bitch and that was what i would hear a lot and that's um i was okay with that at the time we would actually say things thank you you say like it's a bad thing like it's a thank you because me, that felt like it had to be either or. Either I was a bitch or I was

like sweet and polite. And what I came to learn is that it's not either or. Maybe I'm not a bitch. Maybe what I am is protecting. It's a protective reflex that I just had to learn how to manage. And there's so many people who can help you learn communication and even therapy just just working through the trauma can help you let go of the anger which can then help you to just manage how you talk to people um but it's not that i have a problem being that when i have to be that but but it's not either or your voice does have the power to Your voice does have the power to heal. It does have the power to hurt. And you have a responsibility with it. And so whenever I teach assertiveness, because that's really what you're talking about. When you think of voice, assertiveness, is I always think of the words firm.

Yes. You have to say what you mean. Right. And kind. Yeah. Which is try to do it with a purpose to get what you want without diminishing the other person. Unless you mean to, like in this situation. I meant to. You meant to.

I meant to. Because it was a reaction to his bad behavior. And make no mistake. I have no need to try to be kind to any pedophile. So I still would not be. Let's just be. Yeah, no. And we met your wife was one of the first things you said.

Anyone that touches. Oh, no, I was. We were on a date and I told you it sort of came up somewhat randomly. But I said, you know, oh, no, you want to meet Chloe? And I said, well, there's one thing you should know. I didn't really let her meet people when I was dating. So I was going to let her meet you. And I said, there's something you should know. If anyone ever touches my daughter, I will kill them in their sleep. That's if they're lucky alive and slowly,

if they're not like, I was very clear. And you just looked at me and you're like, well, that sounds rational. And I was like what like well that didn't work and I was thinking to myself I wonder what that's connected of course you were because you're a psychiatrist well we want you to find your voice and one way to do it is read the relentless courage of a scared child and see how you can relate to the 30 million people in the United States that grew up in an alcohol, alcoholic home. I mean, it's very common. There's over 20 million people that would meet the diagnostic criteria for post-traumatic stress disorder. Yeah.

When you first told me that, I was like, that's ridiculous. But I think that's a reflex that a lot of us use. Well, you protect yourself by basically saying, I wasn't molested. I couldn't say the word. Yeah. And then I asked her, I said, well, if someone did to Chloe what your stepfather did to you. I would rip his beating heart out of his chest and feed it to my dog. There you have it.

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