Change Your Brain Every Day - Egoistic Altruism: What Is The Highest Form of Love?

Episode Date: April 11, 2019

In the final episode of a 2-week series about the many faces and forms of love, Dr. Daniel Amen and Tana Amen are again joined by Natalie Buchoz to talk about “agape,” which, according to the ancient greeks, is the highest form of love. So what is agape? The Amens and Natalie explain what just it is, and the how you can tap into it to transform your life.

Welcome to the Brain Warriors Way podcast. I'm Dr. Daniel Amen. And I'm Tana Amen. In our podcast, we provide you with the tools you need to become a warrior for the health of your brain and body. The Brain Warriors Way podcast is brought to you by Amen Clinics, where we have been transforming lives for 30 years using tools like brain spec imaging to personalize treatment to your brain. For more information, visit amenclinics.com. The Brain Warriors Way podcast is also brought to you by BrainMD, where we produce the highest quality nutraceuticals to support the health of your brain and body. To learn more, go to brainmd.com. Welcome back. We have been talking about the Greek words for love and trying to increase the love in your life. And brain warriors, it's not hard. People go,

oh, I don't want to be a warrior. And it's like it's a war. don't want to be a warrior and it's like it's a war so you want to be armed prepared and aware so I have a question if you don't want to be a warrior what do you want to be if you don't want to be kind of a badass then what do you want to be so what's the gardener quote yeah so I love this one quote in martial arts I'd rather be a warrior in a garden than a gardener in a war. I just, I don't understand. Like, I don't, I guess my brain can't register. I totally get wanting to be a peaceful warrior.

But why, do you want to be a victim of what's going on around you? I don't kind of understand. So let's talk about selfless love. But before we get to that, another review, informative and entertaining by Raputa1. This is great information for anyone who is interested in how the brain works and how to live a better life. Daniel Amen is a renowned physician and researcher. Thank you. And together with his wife, Tana, he delivers an educational, entertaining podcast every day. What could be ponderous and dry information is so creatively and joyfully presented that I look forward to each episode.

Oh, I love that. That's so cool. Thank you so much. I think she's trying to say we're crazy. Now, where would you get that? We're entertaining. We are entertaining. You entertain me

all the time. Oh, it's me now. Okay. I cannot say in all the ways, but... Really? We're talking about love, not sex today. I was thinking... Why would your mind... Because I know you. That's why. Look, Natalie's blushing.

Okay. She's like, back to agape. That's why I'm a child psychiatrist because I clearly act like a child. Because you're very adolescent. So agape is the highest form of love. It's not about you. It's about generations of love. It's not about you. It's about generations of you. So why is the world a better place because you breathe? Yeah, we don't see a lot of this in society right now. Well, we don't see it because

we don't look for it. So I actually, so tired of the negative news. Yeah's that's what i mean i actually have an app called the good news network i like that and i look at it every day because i know i often see you giggling it's so funny it's fun and where i bring my attention will determine how i feel yeah so it's the news washington or you know the shooting or the war or the hurricane, I mean, it just makes you feel anxious and upset. There's so many good things that are happening moment by moment in the world that if you focus on it and you contribute to it, you're actually happy. Tana, you said something to me a couple of years ago and I have held it to you ever since. Every morning when Tana wakes up,

she shared the story with me and she told me that in the morning is her special time. And it used to be her time with Chloe and I'm sure it still is, but they would have no phones, no distractions. You wouldn't take any calls. You wouldn't put on any morning news. And it was just your time to wake up and have your coffee your tea whatever you were drinking together and ever since then I just thought wow I don't want to take calls from people immediately

in the morning whether that's like that first 30 minutes because it really sets the tone for the day you might get a call and you might kind of absorb those emotions that you get on the call it might be a negative email um you know whatever it. And then it happens in the blink of an eye. And then all of a sudden your day, your foundation for the day is cracking. So I started that when Chloe was very little because there's just was constant drama, like family drama. And so I decided I shut my phone off and I literally told everyone in advance, don't call me unless you are bleeding out. Yeah. Like I don't want to hear from you until nine o'clock unless you are bleeding out.

That's my time. Chloe, I want to set the day up for Chloe to have a really positive day. I mean, school's hard enough, right? So I want to set the day to be really positive. We'd go for a drive. We'd have coffee. Now we all have coffee together because she homeschools. Yeah.

And so, and still I follow that rule. Do not call me before nine o'clock. Yeah. So I just don't want to hear it. I love that. So. It's so powerful. So according to the research, passion and purpose.

So I think of that as agape. Mm-hmm. Is associated with less depression, more happiness, more personal growth, better sleep, longevity, increase in mental sharpness, less risk of Alzheimer's disease, and slower cognitive decline with age. Hans Selye is a very famous historical figure in stress research. And he actually had a term that I loved. It's called egoistic altruism.

It's like I give away my love, my treasure, my care, because ultimately it decreases my stress. Right, right. And this is going to sound terrible, and some of you aren't going to believe me, but I say it with my patients all the time. Everyone's out for themselves. It's just the more sophisticated they are, the harder it is to tell.

And you just want to make sure your interests are aligned. And when, you know, because we basically adopted our nieces and your sister and I when when I went to um Alizade's eighth grade um I guess the seventh grade her award ceremony that was so much joy for me it was sort of like a hit of a cocaine that just lasted and didn't have any side effects. When you texted me her straight A's yesterday. I love that. Right? So doing the right thing can bring joy.

Well, and touching on what you just talked about with the altruism. It's the same reason that forgiveness has been shown to work, to decrease your stress. Like when you forgive someone, it decreases your own stress hormones, which increases healing and decreases depression and anxiety. Because that's why we often say, if you won't forgive someone for them, if that's too hard for you, will you do it for yourself?

Because it's like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die if you don't forgive so that's more self-love it is self-love but it's also other love so but in in in giving that away you're also loving yourself so it's actually this ultra this i love the term you used um egoistic altruism. So because it's both. Right. So you initially you do it for yourself, but then you realize as you let go. How many other people it's helping. How many other people it's helping, which then in turn helps you more. And one thing that would be useful for you to do at home or wherever you're at is to

come up with a purpose statement for your life. You know, businesses have mission statements. Unfortunately, families often don't. Yeah, I like that. Ours at Amen Clinics is our why, our passion, our purpose is to help people achieve brain healthy lives in every way possible, no matter what their age or problem. So what is your mission statement? What is it that you really want? You have to tell your frontal lobes that, and then you say, is my behavior getting me what I want. And most people, it's not totally self-centered, at least if

they're happy people. The ones where it's totally self-centered, you know, I want to win a Grammy and I want to get an Oscar and I want to have a billion dollars in the bank. That's really all about them. And they're not going to be nearly as happy as if it's they and other centered. Well, and so we don't want to detract from the fact that people have experienced trauma. They've experienced pain. And one of the things I love that we did in Brain Warriors Way, which was my favorite book that we wrote, was we had people, we did exercises in there to turn your pain to purpose. There's not only no other, like there's no better way for you to heal. You've certainly done that.

So, I mean, Natalie's in a wheelchair and you would never know it because that chair doesn't define you. I forget all the time. Like, it's so funny. I mean, it's almost, I don't mean to be insulting to you. I just forget about the chair. And so when you take your pain and you turn it into purpose, not only does it heal you, but now you're helping to heal other people through the pain you've experienced.

And you've managed to, you know, it becomes your purpose. And then it takes meaning. It takes meaning. Like when we talked to Sandra a couple of weeks ago about grief. Right, when she lost her daughter. So what is meaningful in your life that you can share with others Victor Frankl it's just one of my favorite books heroes he was a psychiatrist and he actually had a visa to the United States from Austria in 1937 38 but he decided

to stay for his parents he was a Jewish psychiatrist who ended up in a concentration camp and ended writing this really historic book, Man's Search for Meaning. And he basically says, if it's meaningful, I'll do it. If it's not meaningful, I don't have time for it. And he said, you can create meaning in three ways, purposeful work or being productive, loving the people who are central in your life, and courage in the face of difficulty, which totally defines you. Yeah. Right? You actually have all three of those. All of them.

Yeah. Right? You have purposeful work because we work together. You have a love who's central in your life because you love your family. And you clearly have courage in the face of difficulty. Absolutely. work together you have a love who's central in your life because you love your family and you clearly have courage in the face of difficulty absolutely and and so it's not what was me it's how can i be my best and give yeah my favorite picture is of you walking oh yeah yeah i sent you know the a couple weeks ago i went to my grandma's house and one of the things that was really hard

when i was going through my accident when i broke my I, I didn't want any photos taken of me because I was in so much pain and I just, I just didn't want it. My grandma, she snuck some in and I'm actually really grateful that she did that because she created scrapbooks each year and each scrapbook has photos from some of my hardest times. And for now, like today, it's so nice to be able to look back. like I took my boyfriend and we actually went through them and he was just like oh my god your journey I can't even first of all I can't even fathom it second of all look how far you've come and I think a lot of people tell you you know oh don't look back you're not going that way but sometimes it's

really important to look back to see how far you've come yeah so I think that's so brilliant and you sent me two photos you I guess you were going through those scrapbooks yeah and one of them was when you were leaving the hospital and you just looked like this precious little nugget you were just you looked so young braces and but you were just you couldn't move your arms were down and you couldn't move anything feel couldn't move and the next one was of you walking yeah and I'm like whoa yeah like that was just so powerful you were standing so tall and so strong and I'm like, whoa. Like that was just so powerful. You were standing so tall and so strong. And I'm like, what the heck? Something you were told you would never do.

But you were also told you'd never go to college because you couldn't live alone. You would never drive. And you do all of those things. Right. And it's so easy to say it's not fair. Life is not fair. When you compare it against so many things, there is not fairness no one said life was going to be fair i don't know who told people that it's it's and and you taught me this which

i dearly love that responsibility doesn't mean it's your fault what it means is your ability to respond take a hundred percent so that you have more control over the outcome. Stay with us. If you're enjoying the Brain Warriors Way podcast, please don't forget to subscribe so you'll always know when there's a new episode. And while you're at it, feel free to give us a review or five-star rating as that helps others find the podcast. If you're interested in coming to Amen Clinics, use the code PODCAST10 to get a 10% discount on a full evaluation at amenclinics.com. For more information, give us a call at 855-978-1363.