Change Your Brain Every Day - Engaging Your Tribe: How to Recruit Mentors, Coaches, and Friends, with Dr. John Townsend

Episode Date: November 12, 2019

Studies have shown that people who lack in good friends and mentors in their life tend to struggle more both emotionally and physically. But if you don’t have anyone on your side, how can you bring people in? In the second episode of a series on “relational nutrients,” Dr. John Townsend discusses a recruitment process you can use to filter the types of people that are going to be most beneficial in your life to help you move forward.

Welcome to the Brain Warriors Way podcast. I'm Dr. Daniel Amen. And I'm Tana Amen. In our podcast, we provide you with the tools you need to become a warrior for the health of your brain and body. The Brain Warriors Way podcast is brought to you by Amen Clinics, where we have been transforming lives for 30 years using tools like brain spec imaging to personalize treatment to your brain. For more information, visit amenclinics.com. The Brain Warriors Way podcast is also brought to you by BrainMD, where we produce the highest quality nutraceuticals to support the health of your brain and body. To learn more, go to brainmd.com. Welcome back. We are here with our friend, John Townsend. We are having so much fun as we always do. We are talking about people fuel, which I love. And we

were just talking about your C's, the C's involved with people fuel. Maybe you can recap that one in this and also how to draw boundaries with people and ask for what you need. And I would love some practical tips going into this episode on how do you do that? How do you balance that? How do you balance getting what you need? Like now we know what they are. Let's talk about like, how do you balance getting what you need? Before we do that, I recently actually was able to teach. Dr. Townsend founded the online Townsend Institute for Leadership and Counseling at Concordia University in Irvine. after they read pupil fuel or boundaries that he has an organizational leadership executive coaching and counseling uh program and has students literally all over the world so um john how can they learn more uh about the towns and institute uh towns and institute.com um really

we're really excited about what's going on, Daniel. You're one of our top fellows. In other words, we have experts, people like you, Ken Blanchard, the Gottmans. And there are hundreds of students around the country where they're either getting a master's in counseling or coaching or leadership. And we're highly relational. And we try to blur the distinction between online and reality because people think, oh, online degree, I'll sit in the kitchen with my laptop

and my bunny slippers and my cocoa and it's not like that. Our professors and our people are very connected, very video friendly. They want to get to know you. So we make it very relational experience and we're getting,

people are getting great jobs now. We've been around for three years and people are calling back saying, I'm at the top of my job. So that's awesome. Yeah, we're getting people are getting great jobs now we've been around it for three years and people are calling back saying i'm the top of my job so that's awesome yeah we're excited excellent okay more on people fuel i like it so tell us how they balance you asked the right question which was so how what's some practical ways we can make sure i'm getting my needs met let me review what the seven c's are and then just give you a quick idea. There are seven categories of relationships from very giving, relationally nutrient-rich relationships

to more of the relationships that are draining. You've got to understand. First is coaches. Coaches, either they're pro bono or you hire them, but they know business or they know family or they know self-help or they know working out. And they're very important for you. The second is comrades. We all need what I call in the book a life team. The life team is three to 10 people that know everything about you. They know the messy stuff.

They know the hurts. They know the failures. And they don't care. And they're, oh, I wish you guys could see this. Tana just shrugged. He's more than my comrade, but you're my person. Yes. That's so wonderful. It's so cool that you guys can rub each other's shoulders and she can also kick you under the ass at the very same time. In the same podcast. I just got thrown under the bus.

That's true love. You all need three to 10 deep comrades that know everything about us and love us and they'll thrown under the bus. That's true love. We all need three to ten deep comrades that know everything about us and love us and they'll tell us the truth but they would never judge us. Thirdly, we need good casuals, your next door neighbor, somebody whose kids play soccer with your kids and you just hang out with them.

You go to watch TV. They're just nice people. We need positive people. The fourth category is colleagues because we all need worker bees around us that are relationally based and smart. The fifth category is care. We're called to care. The three of us are very fortunate.

We have been really fortunate in our lives. We've had a lot of struggles, but we've also had a lot of victories. So we care deeply. And all of us, the three of us, have people that we commit to who could never pay us back. You know, there are people in developing countries or people you're mentoring or people you're encouraging. We need care relationships. And the next one is what's called chronics. And I said in the last podcast, I'm from the South originally, California with you guys, but in the South we call them bless their heart people.

Bless their heart they messed up their marriage again. Bless their heart they lost their job. Bless their heart their kids smuck and dope. And they kind of never learn because they just don't learn. And so they're nice people, but they're kind of a drain. And the seventh one is contaminants. And they're bad people. They're toxic.

They want to divide your marriage. They want to divide you. They want to divide your family organization. You've got to stay away from them. Most people have too many care, chronic, and contaminants. Now, you're always going to care about people, but I know people who are in too many boards, and they're flying around to too many organizations, and they're doing way too much service, and their family's going, what's your name? Sometimes we've got to put them back to care. Chronics, you can't have that many in your life. I've had some chronics. When I wrote

the book, I realized I had somebody I was meeting with every two weeks for Starbucks. I made it like, let's make it two or three times a year because they weren't doing anything I said anyway. Chronics set boundaries. You've got to have more of the coaches and comrades. The most practical thing is the number one practical thing we got from the book is if you want to right size this so you don't have too many of the drains, you must first beef up the coaches and comrades. You can't prune back the bottom until you have the strength and the energy and the positive to say, huh?

I like that. Yeah. So find that coach. I've got three coaches now, and I'll be a coach the rest of my life. See, me too. I'm like that. I love coaches. I go to seminars.

I do all sorts of things. You know what the research is? I have mentors. Harvard Business Review says that your coaches will bring you an average of 300% of what you pay for it. And that's been my experience. It's a good investment for me to be coached in emotional life, spiritual life, business life, all that stuff. So get a coach. If you don't have any money, go to a church and say, do you have people who can mentor me? But there's people who can mentor. And secondly, get that life team together. Get a few people

around and say, I've got to be intentional about my growth. And you're a good person. We've got good values. And I want you to be a person that goes through life for me and supports me. That will help you start right-sizing. That's the Number one thing. So I love that. So two things popped in my head. Number one, and I actually learned this from some of my work going through therapy and boundaries, because you talk a lot, I mean, your book Boundaries is amazing. And I'm sure, I am certain that you go through a lot of boundary work in this book, just because I know you. So I learned this, that when I'm helping someone, whether they're care or chronic, whatever, I don't have contaminants in my life.

I am good at getting rid of them now. But when I have a care or chronic in my life that I have chosen to help for whatever reason, I have a rule. I'm not going to be more invested than you are. That's just going to be the way it is. I need to see you being more invested than I am. I will be here for you. You've got to show me you're invested. I have the same role with my

daughter. I'm not going to be more invested than you are. So if I'm doing something to help you, you've got to be invested or I pull out. That's it. We call it business. Do you have skin in the game? Yes. They've got to have skin in the game. So I do that whether it's nutrition, whether it's parenting, whether it's helping someone. That's one thing. The other thing you said that was so important, the mentoring, people think they have to pay a lot of money for coaches. Now, I love going to seminars. For me, skin in the game when you're at a certain level might be money. I pay a lot.

Maybe, yeah, because it's important then and you've got skin in the game. But for some people, and you don't have to have that skin in the game can, AA is built on that premise, right? You've got it. You've got a sponsor. They will be accountable. It's really important and it's free. So there are free mentors. The Brain Warriors Way podcast is coaching. There's all kinds of ways to do it. Right. Yes. It's important. So I love what you said. The first practical step is to get more coaches and comrades. So at some point you have to inventory the people in your life. And is there a way in PeopleFuel for people to do that? Yeah, because everybody calls after they read the book and they go,

now what do I do? 1-800-FRIENDS? How do I do this? So I put together a system in the book that's very, very practical. I tell it, look, if you don't know who the people are in your life and who would be a good life team member, do this. We all go to Microsoft Outlook contacts. We all have contacts.

And there's somewhere between, think 705 000 contacts in their contact list and i've done this to myself because i want to see if it works it does give yourself like an hour hour and a half and just go through that thing and think who would be a really cool person one three you know i need three to ten people that would have shared values and have a lot of grace for me and never judge me but kick me in the butt when I need it and listen to me. And can they be vulnerable and can I be vulnerable? And you go through the list. Oh yeah, I haven't seen her for a while. She'd be good. And then, Oh, he's in federal prison.

Maybe that's a bad idea. So you go through the whole thing. And at any time you've got, let's say, 25 names. And you go, gosh, these are good potentials. And then you go on the recruiting process. And here's how you do it. You call the first one up that looks good. And you say, hey, I haven't seen you for a while.

Let's grab lunch. And you grab lunch. And you have a great lunch. But you do this. You take one small, vulnerable step. Just one. Not a big one. Not like I'm suicidal or I don't have a life. Small one like, you know, our kid's acting up and it's kind of frustrating.

Or I'm kind of, my spouse and I are kind of upside down right now. It's kind of a bad season. Or I don't, my job's kind of struggling. They're not huge vulnerable, but vulnerable. And that person will do one of three things that will tell you if they make it to the next lunch, they qualify. First thing they'll go first response will be like this. Well, the weather around here is just amazing, isn't it? What are they telling you guys? I don't want to do it. I don't know. I can't get in there. I'm just going to change.

OK, nice person, not a life team. The second response is, oh, your kid's acting up. OK, here's four books for you to read. By the way, are you waking up early in the morning? Do you hug your child? Have you set good boundaries? Are you playing with your child? Have you gone to this conference? And here's three more things you want to do. What they're telling you is, I'm an advice monster. I can't connect with you. I'm just going to give you advice. Nice person, but not likely. The third response is the money, but they put down their

fork and they look at you with these eyes of caring and they go I had no idea about Susie I'm so sorry I love you kid so how can I help what's it feel like it must be overwhelming what's going on and they have the capacity to move toward the negative they're not afraid of the negative they move toward it that qualifies them for the next lunch so So you do it again, like a couple weeks later, and again. And by this time, they're opening up more. And about the fourth time, you make the pitch and you say, you know, I'm in a stage in my life where I'm getting intentional about personal growth.

I haven't really focused and intentional. I love you, and I love how we hang out. I trust you, and I hope that I'm helpful to you. Would you like to meet together every couple weeks, once a month, every week, and just talk about life and share things that we can't share with others? And that's how you build. It takes probably four months. I've taken CEOs through this of major billionaire, billion-dollar corporations

because they didn't have these relationships all they had was their spouse and their dog they had their lab because their lab loves them and their spouse and and and i said go do that because you're in the deficit you don't have enough people if you're in your life and they come back and they go 90 of people said easily i'm in i don't have this either i don't have a place to go to be vulnerable. All I've got is my spouse and my dog, and I'm overwhelming both of them. I am in, and everything changed. That's the practice.

So good. Yeah. All right, stay with us. When we come back, we're going to talk about setbacks and resilience and how to stay charged. We're with Dr. John Townsend, the author of People Fuel, Boundaries, you can get them everywhere. If you're enjoying the Brain Warriors Way podcast, please don't forget to subscribe

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