Change Your Brain Every Day - How Is Your Past Affecting Your Present?

Episode Date: May 18, 2021

Dr Daniel Amen and Tana Amen talk about how the past can affect the present. They share personal tips and strategies on how to be "curious not furious". 

Welcome to the Brain Warriors Way podcast. I'm Dr. Daniel Amen. And I'm Tana Amen. In our podcast, we provide you with the tools you need to become a warrior for the health of your brain and body. The Brain Warriors Way podcast is brought to you by Amen Clinics, where we have been transforming lives for 30 years using tools like brain spec imaging to personalize treatment to your brain. For more information, visit amenclinics.com.

The Brain Warriors Way podcast is also brought to you by BrainMD, where we produce the highest quality nutraceuticals to support the health of your brain and body. To learn more, go to Brainmd.com. Welcome back. We are in the middle of our happiness challenge. We're digging deeper into happiness. So I just find all of this so interesting. It's like all the things you can do to make yourself happier and all the things you can do to make yourself very unhappy. Well, and just going going back if you grew up with trauma now we were talking about the a score um from zero to ten you scored at an eight i scored one but yeah um in my family people really didn't notice what they like more than what they don't like. I remember people noticing what they didn't like and how shame and guilt and ought to and must and have to

were rampant in my house. And I never really learned to notice what I liked. My mom was a good mom. She's a really good mom. But she's just busy, right? With seven children. Seven kids, yeah. And siblings don't tend to notice what they like because there's always competition. There's rivalry, right.

Rivalry, competition. And so where do you learn it if it's not modeled for you? But when your nervous system has been primed through trauma and fear, then what you're noticing is what's wrong because that was adaptive for you when you were young. And I've talked to a lot of people who have had this issue and I've heard the same thing over and over. I'm not sure that, I mean, I certainly wouldn't. And the people I've talked to a lot of people who have had this issue and I've heard the same thing over and over. I'm not sure that I mean, I certainly wouldn't. And the people I've talked to, they'll say the same thing. I don't think most of us are willing to let it go, that protective reflex that we're not willing to let go of that. But I think that a lot of us who have done a lot of work on ourselves are like I've heard people say, even our friend last night who, you know, she's got no reason to really feel the way she feels now.

But she's like, I still notice when there's a noise in the house that, you know, she has that same reaction that I have. It's like, oh, who's in my house? Because her childhood was crazy. But what we are willing to do, if you've done that work on yourself, if you are psychologically savvy and you've done the work, it's like, okay, I'm not willing to let the protective reflex go because you never really believe that it's every nothing bad is going to happen but you are willing to stop and go okay is this real now like am i really reacting to now or am i is this just an old leftover reflex that i'm reacting to everything right i'm not i'm not scared child that needs to hide it's really important to separate right the past from the present right and too often people drag their past along and you know there's a new phrase that i've been saying is well yesterday was the last day of the past. And the more we can

leave it there, but it's hard because it gets ingrained in your nervous system. So like it's hard to give up brownies if you've been used to having brownies or donuts or cake or candy all the time. It's a daily practice. And I think you and I are actually really good about doing it with each other. But again, it's a practice where if I really am serious about having a kind, caring, loving, supportive, passionate relationship with you. My brain will notice what I don't like. I need to train it to notice what I like.

Now, there are really things that concern me or bother me that we need to talk about. So assertiveness is important. But whenever I think about assertiveness, I'm always thinking firm, this bothers me, but doing it in a kind way. Firm and kind, just two words. You should always remember when you think about parenting or you even think in your relationships, your spouse with your coworkers and so on. One of the reasons I think this is so important, like yesterday we spent the day together.

I mean, we would schedule time to do this, to like spend time together because it's so important. If you want to be happy in your relationship, you have to schedule time together, just like you have to with your kids. But we'll, we scheduled some time together and we were just being playful, but we did it consciously. And so, and I think when you, when you actually start putting this into play, what's interesting to me is that small things make you happy. You don't need bigger and bigger

things. When you, when you consciously make the decision to do these things and be conscious about your happiness and focus on the things you like, you don't need bigger and bigger and more and more to be happy. So we were just playing yesterday and trying on sunglasses and laughing and I mean, silly stuff, but it, that makes you happy when you focus on it, as opposed to needing to go, you know, jump out of airplanes. I'm not saying anyone who jumps out of airplanes, that's great. I love doing, you know, very intense things. I'm just saying little things will make you happy also. Well, and if you focus on, we call them micro moments of happiness you know what's the smallest thing and actually the sun glass thing was hysterical and i sort of thought it was a big thing uh it's just a huge your

sunglasses on it looks like a fly but yeah a very pretty super fly right um pretty fly. Super fly. So how can we make this practical? If you grew up with unhappiness, if you grew up with trauma, if you grew up with an ACE score of more than four, just know you can retrain your brain. You just have to make it conscious and continue to talk about these seven secrets and seven questions to ask yourself. But I just love notice what you like more than what you don't like. And the question is, am I reinforcing behaviors I like today? Because just sort of left on your own, you can notice the dish is not done. Notice the cabinet open or the lights on or the wrapper not thrown away. Or, you know, someone didn't make it all about you today. You could notice that. Or I just, I know how to make Tana smile.

I know how to do it. And I also know how to make her yell at me. And I choose not to make her yell at me. Yeah, you're really good at choosing that. Right. And so I think always being in a learning mode. I'm reading a new book called Invent and Wonder by Jeff Bezos, actually the letters of Jeff Bezos. And I was listening to the introduction this morning by Walter Isaacson. And he has written biographies on Leonardo da Vinci and Steve Jobs and Ben Franklin

and a number of, you know, historic figures. And he said, the one thing they all have in common is they're curious. And I love that word. If you can always be in a learning mode, the relationships around you and be curious about your interactions with them, be curious, not furious. It'll just pay off in the long run by better relationships. And I think it's, I actually would, as a practical takeaway, I strongly recommend you take the ACE quiz. We mentioned in the last one, I think we left a link. But if you take that ACE quiz, I think it explains so much. Like I know when I took it, you said, oh, that explains so much like i know when i took it you said oh that explains so much about your behavior it just explains so much about how you feel how you like why you react to certain things the way you do um it's very revealing and i think when you understand something it makes it easier to make changes and there's a great become aware ted talk yeah oh so good she's so good what's

her name nadine something yeah nadine harris dr nadine harris it's so good. What's her name? Nadine something. Yeah. Nadine Harris, Dr. Nadine Harris. It's so good. Who's now apparently the surgeon general of California. And she is so, Oh, I should have known that. Um, but she's so, it's just such a brilliant Ted talk and she's really brought adverse childhood experiences to the forefront of understanding why people that

have had that happen become sick so much more often with with different illnesses than so let's close this episode with this story um day before yesterday we're out for a walk and i always love it because you know i walk three or four miles probably every day and you were able to go with me which made me happy and we found this super cute little walking trail that we'd never seen before and it's sort of in our backyard what does the story make you and and as we're there this small um man um i just heard a noise sneezed just heard a noise. Sneezed. I heard a noise.

And she goes, what did you think when you heard that noise? And I went, a man sneezed. But I saw him after I heard the sneeze. I heard the sneeze and I looked over and I'm like, oh, like what,

what were you thinking when you heard that? Like I literally was ready to pick up a stick. I was ready to fight. He's like, I heard a noise. I heard a sneeze. What do you mean? But it's classic of the way we respond to things. So that's your past infecting the present.

Right. And you just want to be curious about that. Because over time, you can dampen that reaction just by working on it. And that's where treatments like EMDR or havening or brain spotting. I mean, there's a whole bunch of them popping up that can be just so helpful for you. So stay with us. If you're enjoying the Brain Warriors Way podcast, please don't forget to subscribe. So you'll always know when there's a new episode. And while you're at it, feel free to give us a review or five star rating as that helps others find the podcast. while you're at it, feel free to give us a review or five-star rating as that

helps others find the podcast. If you're interested in coming to Amen Clinics, use the code PODCAST10 to get a 10% discount on a full evaluation at amenclinics.com. For more information, give us a call at 855-978-1363.