Change Your Brain Every Day - How Mommy and Daddy Issues Manifest in the Brain

Episode Date: March 4, 2021

When people talk about someone having mommy or daddy issues, these issues tend to be thought of as the child’s issues, but it’s important to remember that the parent is usually the one causing them. In this episode of The Brain Warrior’s Way Podcast, Dr. Daniel and Tana Amen discuss the phenomenon of ‘Parent Dragons’, which is when you hold on to past traumas, fears, and anxieties that originated out of relationships with your parents, and why it’s so important to understand how and why these issues manifest in your brain.  Watch the brand new TV special from Dr. Daniel and Tana Amen "Overcoming Anxiety, Depression, Trauma & Grief" on PBS now! Check you local listings for showtimes.  

Welcome to the Brain Warriors Way podcast. I'm Dr. Daniel Amen. And I'm Tana Amen. In our podcast, we provide you with the tools you need to become a warrior for the health of your brain and body. The Brain Warriors Way podcast is brought to you by Amen Clinics, where we have been transforming lives for 30 years using tools like brain spec imaging to personalize treatment to your brain. For more information, visit amenclinics.com.

The Brain Warriors Way podcast is also brought to you by BrainMD, where we produce the highest quality nutraceuticals to support the health of your brain and body. To learn more, go to brainmd.com. Hey, everybody. Happy Thursday. You know, have you noticed during the pandemic that days just sort of run into each other? I have no idea what day it is, what date it is. And then weeks, it's like, it's Saturday again. Oh my goodness. Or it's Monday again. Yep. Anyways, as we continue on our journey through your brain is always listening.

We actually did all 13 dragons from the past. And so we're in a brand new section called the they, them, and other dragons. So we've got past dragons, they, them, and other dragons, and then you've got other sections. And then we're going to do the bad habit dragons and the scheming dragons and the addicted dragons. I have a new 12 step program for you actually based on neuroscience. And I have this quote in the book. Actually, I have a lot of quotes in the book. What you think of me is none of my business. Yeah. I use that one a lot. Um, actually it's from Terry Cole. I'm going to be on her podcast coming up. Another one I've learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and only the pig likes it.

And one more be kind to everyone you meet because we are all fighting our own dragons. And if you want to know your dragons, go to knowyourdragons.com. You had 10 of the 13. I think I'm a record so far. No. I'm not? Somebody had 12. Oh, overachiever.

They had, so in dragon terms, it's not a herd. It's a thunder. It's a thunder. So you have a powerful dragon, thunder. Well, today we are going to This is the parent dragon. Parent dragons. Oh, my God. Anybody else have mommy issues or daddy issues? I think everybody in my house has daddy issues. Everybody. Right?

I mean, my dad, his favorite word when i was growing up was bullshit i mean can i say that that was his favorite word i mean he just said it a lot his second thing i like about that's the thing about your dad didn't go away his second favorite word was that's why i relate to him so much you don't tell me no no but no is one of my favorite words it is that and i told you so we just had and i told you so moment uh oh it was about kitchen knives get over it but do you have parent issues so i have daddy issues no question about it i'm the second son and 11 so let me tell you my only completely not important let me tell you my issue with the term daddy issues is that it somehow connotates or gives this impression that you are at fault and you are not.

It's something that happened to you because of something that one of your parents did. So as one of the kids in our house said, I'm going to give them daughter issues. I refuse to have daddy issues. I'm going to make sure they have daddy issues. I'm going to make sure they have daughter issues. Well, that's another dragon coming up is your children. Because you always have your children in your head, criticizing you, telling you life's not fair. You're somehow an inadequate parent right i mean we all have those

issues it's actually the one thing i don't feel inadequate about but you have chloe's voice in your head you make decisions well we all do i do with you too great, there's former, current, and prospective lover dragons that we are going to talk about. But tonight, we're talking about the parent voice in your head. And were you ever like me, where you promised yourself, you swore that you would never act that way toward your children. And then when you had children, you were horrified where you heard, you know, you're crying, I'm going to give you something to cry about. Well, I swore I'd never drive like that. I didn't say that often. But one time I did, I just like, you promised yourself you would never do that.

Yeah, I swore I'd never drive like my mom. And I'm starting to drive like her. That's very scary. Yeah. So what do you do about it when you have parent issues? I mean, what you did is you scammed both of your parents. And that actually really helped you with your issues with your dad. Oh, with my dad, it was completely transformative. It healed my relationship.

You should tell the story. Well, probably a lot of them know the story. But for those of you who don't, don't try. Don't date or marry a psychiatrist if you want to stay estranged from your family. So that's number one. So when I met Daniel and I tried to, I was disconnected from my dad. Not by my choice, by his choice. Well, sort of by your was disconnected from my dad, not by my choice, by his choice.

He left. Well, no, it was my choice as an adult, but he left when I was a child, when I was really young and made a lot of really bad decisions. I write about it in my book. There's, there's a couple of chapters on my dad and the, but the really great chapter is titled the prodigal father. It's one of the best chapters in the book because it's about, I had written all of these horrible things and what I'd gone through with my

dad, but then there's this turning point. And I remember my sisters called and they, um, they were all upset to my half sisters and they were still connected to him. And they said, dad is dying. He's got Alzheimer's disease. He's a recluse. He won't come out of his room he won't shower like he's a mess and i'm like what do you want me to say like this is not my monkey not my circus right like what do you want me to say i don't even know him really and so i mean that's really how i felt and that sounds really cold and bad but that's how i felt it's like why why is

this my problem and so i came to you thinking you would like second to my thought for being so clear about my boundaries. It's not what happened at all. You're like, Oh, we have to scan him. My monkey, my circus.

Right. He made my family, your circus. Yeah. So you're like, um, I have to scan him. And I'm like,

no, we don't need him in our lives. And you're like, no, he's your dad. We have to scan him. i'm like no we don't need him in our lives and you're like no he's your dad we have to scan him yeah family is like really important to me i mean you didn't know my family and now i do so you insisted that i bring him down oh and this is rich he insisted that the dad that i hadn't seen for so long actually, sorry, lost you for a second. He insisted that the father that I had not seen for so long actually.

Now it's not the whole story. Move in with me. No, that's not the whole story. That's just pretty close to the story. To get him assessed. And where did he end up staying? Well, but that was. For years.

As. and where did he end up staying for years so what we found when we scanned he noticed he didn't answer well because there's a process to this story you can't just get to the end you know and then he died you can't just do that no no no I said he lived with me

part of my resistance was that you wanted him to live with me. Not initially. Let's start. So diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease, a recluse, not coming out of his room. Her two half sisters have no idea what to do. And I'm like dementia. I assess dementia all the time. One of the reasons I started scanning people is, well, how do you know if it's dementia or something else? And when we scanned him, he didn't have dementia. He had something called pseudo dementia, which is severe depression that masquerades as Alzheimer's disease. He was on a toxic cocktail of medication and he is Tana's dad. Now, I love this woman. And I'm going to do whatever I can to be helpful. And since he was involved in making you, I at least wanted to get to know him. And when we started dating, like the first week I introduced you to

my daughter, you introduced me to Chloe, right? Chloe was two at the time. And so I wanted to meet him. I wanted to help him. And I found out from a physician standpoint, he's misdiagnosed, mistreated. So many people with dementia are, which is why we do imaging at Amen Clinics. And then changed his medication because he's on a toxic cocktail of medication. I remember that. And put him on supplements, change his diet. And he's got pseudo dementia.

Really what he had is a very severe depression. So I'm not okay going, oh, well, let's just send him back to the room. And, you know, middle California where he's not coming out of the room. It's like, No, no, no, you don't do that. And so yes. So this person that I have really awful, awful history with now is living with me. And so then tell them the story now the good part of the story so i had to build up the truth the bad part of the story is the truth so then um so literally he ends up losing 20 pounds we put him on our program he loses 20 pounds he gets well he's like

his memory is coming back he's starting to be really active my dad was a baptist minister now there's a whole story on that and chapter was a baptist minister now there's a whole story on that and chapter on that in my book because that's a whole nother story a lot of you are going oh why were you estranged from your dad who was about this minister it wasn't quite that simple um so but he ends up now getting well and starts doing all day seminars at the local church so he goes from being a reaper who's not coming out of his room to now teaching seminars and leading Bible study in my house. And I'm like, so I couldn't trust it at first. I'm like, is he just going to go back to me in the same old dad that I used to know when I was growing up? But what happened is the reason it was so transformative is because he

now was better and he got better. It now gave us a chance to address the issues. I mean, we had to address those issues. He's living in my house. So that had to happen a chance to address the issues. I mean, we had to address those issues. He's living in my house. So that had to happen. But we addressed the issues. We now had time for this healing to happen. And he ended up dying five years later of something completely unrelated, you know, leukemia. And so he died five years later in my arms with me praying for him. And there was this total transformation during this period that wouldn't have happened if if we hadn't you hadn't insisted on taking care of his brain issues first but i had to talk about the truth of the ugliness first because you wouldn't have gotten that's why they have dramas on tv we have plenty of drama in our life.

So what's going on in your head with your parents? I mean, I still have my dad in my head. Yeah. There's the goat story is in here with the wounded dragon. And we have a public television special coming out nationwide starting February 27th. We filmed it at home so it's our pandemic special and we're going to talk about the dragons and the wounded dragon that you know my dad gave me that one. And your dad was a wound. But I think therapy for you was just so helpful. Because you have to be open to recognize the dragons

and then to work on them over time. So when parent dragons are triggered, and you feel so they're triggered by when you feel like you've done something wrong or you're not good enough or supportive, um, or sometimes you are supported by your parent dragons and motivated to work harder. What to do? What do you need to listen to or leave behind? So focus on the positive parental messages you receive and flip the rest around to use it to prove them wrong.

So some of you are like me, and if somebody told you, you're like me, if somebody told you you couldn't do something, you know you're going to have to do it. Right. Right. You just want to assess it, good for you or bad for you. Anyways, tomorrow we're going to talk about the sibling and birth order dragons. Now, you're an only child. So,

people are chatting. One of them's like, your wife is so pretty. Aw, thank you. I totally concur on that. She takes my breath away, even after 15 years. So, I love you back. Have a great night. Remember your brain is always listening. Your book is called the relentless courage of a scared child. So if you want drama and suspense and drownings and murder,

nobody, nobody, someone was murdered and but nobody drowned. It starts with a near drowning. Fortunately, I did not drown, but I am here. Almost. Bless you, mom. See you soon.

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