Change Your Brain Every Day - How to Come to Terms with Fear of Dying

Episode Date: February 25, 2021

Perhaps the most common of all dragons from the past discussed in Dr. Amen’s new book “Your Brain is Always Listening’ is the dreaded ‘Death Dragon’. This is the fear of death that can seriously hinder your mental health if you aren’t able to keep it in check. In the final episode of this week’s series, Dr. Daniel and Tana Amen discuss the many origins of this Death Dragon, as well as its common triggers. Finally, they give you practical tips to put death into proper perspective, so you can live a free and productive life.  For more info on Dr. Daniel Amen's new book, "Your Brain is Always Listening", visit https://yourbrainisalwayslistening.com/  

Welcome to the Brain Warriors Way podcast. I'm Dr. Daniel Amen. And I'm Tana Amen. In our podcast, we provide you with the tools you need to become a warrior for the health of your brain and body. The Brain Warriors Way podcast is brought to you by Amen Clinics, where we have been transforming lives for 30 years using tools like brain spec imaging to personalize treatment to your brain. For more information, visit amenclinics.com.

The Brain Warriors Way podcast is also brought to you by BrainMD, where we produce the highest quality nutraceuticals to support the health of your brain and body. To learn more, go to brainmd.com. Welcome back, everyone. We are continuing to identify and tame the dragons from the past that are breathing fire on your emotional brain. Pay attention and just try to pick out one thing you learned, write it down, take a picture of it, post it. It really helps us grow the podcast and create a more dragon-free world. But ultimately, Brain Warriors Way, we're trying to give you tools to arm, prepare, and make you aware of the health of your brain so you can win the fight of your life to keep your brain healthy. Today is a really important dragon. It's a dragon that taunts so many people. Probably almost everybody, right?

And the pandemic has exploded this dragon i think of it almost like godzilla right you know stomping around the world and that's the death yeah and at some point i think this at some point in almost everybody's life they experience well and it's always with us now typically children don't have this much Typically, it is born in midlife when your parents die or you have the parents of your friends die. Right. So I remember this dragon in particular, and I write about this in my book,

devastated me in my twenties. And sometimes it's devastated me in my twenties. If you have health problems when you're young or you have siblings or parents who have health problems. Yeah, no, I got cancer. I was diagnosed with cancer in my twenties, which then meant I lost everything important to me, right. That I thought was important to me. And my mom was diagnosed with a congenital defect that she had to have brain surgery for at the same time. And I just went in like that. It can really throw you for a loop. And so sometimes

it's not just because of, you know, natural aging, midlife crisis. Sometimes it's just, and like the pandemic is doing that now. It surprises us. So it can start earlier if you're faced with death, as you were, accident illnesses, or for teenagers, and this is more common now than ever before. Teenagers have friends who commit suicide. It can happen later with the fear of aging, although that starts early, right? I mean, everybody's sort of excited to turn 20. And then late 20s, it starts. But 30, they're not excited about. And 40, they're not excited about. And 50 can be devastating. And I think it's sort of funny in the sense that I love being 66. I don't want to be 40.

I went through that stress early on. And then all of a sudden I like went to the other side. Now it's like, whatever. I love it. But the fear of aging, losing your youth, having a life that's not meaningful, fear others will not survive or thrive without you. That's a big one. That's a big one for you. This is a big one for a lot of mothers. That's a big one for a lot of mothers. I didn't care that much before I had Chloe. It's like, ah, I was very, like a lot more willing to take risks and go on, you know, vacations and do certain things. And the minute I became a mom, I was like, oh, I can't do that because like this little person isn't going to live without me or at

least not be their best. And the death dragon is triggered whenever you see your mortality, such as in a near-miss accident, an illness, or when someone you care about dies. I mean, after my dad died last year, I've thought more about death this year than ever that I can remember. So how do you react if the death dragon is breathing fire on your emotional brain? You have a fear of dying. It preoccupies you. You have a pervading sense of doom. You can even have panic attacks that you don't understand. So is there an upside to this dragon? There's an upside to all of them. Knowing you're gonna die can actually help you live a more meaningful life, plan for the future

and work to create a legacy. Cherishing each day can help you resolve interpersonal conflicts and use listening skills and empathy rather than stewing, ignoring, or holding grudges. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, who's the famous psychiatrist who studied death and dying, says it is the denial of death that is partially responsible for people living meaningless purposeless lives because when you think you're going to live forever you do not take care of the issues that you need to take care of right. All right. So how do you tame this dragon? Well, one,

except death is a natural part of life. And I think the thing that a couple of things really helped me with this dragon in the late 1970s, there was a book published by Ray Moody called Life After Life. And it was about a whole series of people who had near-death experiences and then what happened. And it just gave me comfort to know that a lot of people, they see the light, but then they see loved ones that were crucially important to them. That book just gave me a lot of peace. My faith leads me to believe this isn't it. This is not the only life for us, that there is more. That really helped. And then in college, I took a class on death and dying. Me too. And I had to write my own funeral. And when you live with the end in mind, you end up saying something you and I say a lot,

is does this problem I have now, does this issue I'm dealing with now have eternal value? Such an important statement. And really focusing on that is I think what helped, you know, we talked about earlier about how sometimes parents, especially mothers, when you have a baby, it's like, you know, when you're younger, you will take chances. And then all of a sudden this baby comes along. I don't know if anyone else out there has had this issue. I had a baby and all of a sudden it's like, because I faced death early, because I faced that mortality issue early,

I started bargaining with God. I'm like, please just let me get her to X age to where she's self-sufficient. Then she would hit that age. I'm like, she's not ready. I thought that she'd be okay by now. Please let me get her to this age. And then, then if something happens to me, it's okay. And you know, you start bargaining with God and nothing's even happened yet. So that's how much this can torture you, this death bragging. But I think what really started to help me was, you know, it was faith because I literally would step back and it's like, we're all going to die at some point. The more important question is, how are you going to live?

So what are we going to do while we're here? What am I going to do with the time that I have with her while I'm here? What do I, what lessons do I want to instill with her? To be in the present? Because when you're in the past with regret that feeds depression or the future with fear that feeds the anxious dragon, you suffer. And then, and then I would go one step further and I would just thank God for letting me be her mother every day because she's not really mine.

I mean, she's my, I'm her mother. She's totally not yours. Right. She's not mine. I'm her mother every day because she's not really mine. I mean, she's my, I'm her mother. She's totally not yours. Right. She's not mine. I'm her mother. I was gifted this gift of being allowed to mother. You've done a great job because now she's her own person. She doesn't belong to anybody. Right. Right. And she makes us clear. You know, one of my favorite strategies for this dragon, and you're going to find it irreverent, and I don't know what to tell you. Just deal with it, I suppose. What are we going to say? List the good things about dying.

Oh, yeah. And here are some of mine. So my faith leads me to believe I'll have an eternal life. I may get to see my father and grandfather again. No more people coughing on airplanes. I hate that. Even prior to COVID. No more traffic. I live near LA, so this is a big deal. No more internet trolls. Come on. Let's be thoughtful. Try not to do drugs before you post. No more divisive political campaigns, at least I hope so. No more taxes, no more spam or junk mail. I won't have to shave anymore and deal with occasional cuts and bleeding. I won't have to get my teeth cleaned and have someone with a sharp metal object

poking around my mouth. No more root canals, no more computer crashes where I lose an hour's worth of work. For me, it's no more news. Affirmations. You need to tame the death dragon. I will live a life that matters. I will live a life fully and fearlessly. I will be present today in all I do, because today is all you will ever have. Death teaches me that if something is meaningful, I do it. But if it's not meaningful, I don't do it. Death is just the next stage of eternal life. We hope this has been helpful for you. Your Brain is Always Listening out March 2nd. If you go to yourbrainisalwayslistening.com, pre-order the book.

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