Change Your Brain Every Day - How to Connect With People to Fuel Your Life, with Dr. John Townsend

Episode Date: November 11, 2019

In some ways, people are like the foods you eat. Some of them are rich in nutrients, while others simply drain you of your health. In this first episode of a series with “People Fuel” author Dr. John Townsend, he and the Amens discuss how the people around you affect your life, and how you can use Dr. Townsend’s “relational nutrients” grid to define the deficiencies in your “people fuel diet” and then find ways to supplement.

Welcome to the Brain Warriors Way podcast. I'm Dr. Daniel Amen. And I'm Tana Amen. In our podcast, we provide you with the tools you need to become a warrior for the health of your brain and body. The Brain Warriors Way podcast is brought to you by Amen Clinics, where we have been transforming lives for 30 years using tools like brain spec imaging to personalize treatment to your brain. For more information, visit amenclinics.com. The Brain Warriors Way podcast is also brought to you by BrainMD, where we produce the highest quality nutraceuticals to support the health of your brain and body. To learn more, go to brainmd.com. Welcome to the Brain Warriors Way podcast. We are here with our very good friend and neighbor, Dr. John Townsend. John, it is just such a joy

to have you. John is a New York Times bestselling author, a business consultant, leadership coach, a psychologist who's written over 30 books, selling 10 million copies, including his mega bestseller, Boundaries, and his newest book, People Fuel. We'll talk more about some of the accomplishments he's had, but John, it is just such a joy to welcome you to the brain warriors way podcast. Really is welcome. Thank you guys. Glad to be here. So you, uh, you mentioned that people fuel was a, was a double bestseller. Is that, is that true? So it's, this is like, I'm really excited for you for this new book. It was a double bestseller. Is that, is that true? So it's, this is like, I'm really excited for you for this new book.

It was a double bestseller on Amazon. It was, it was number one in Christian and number one in which other category? Christian leadership. Christian leadership and number one in Christian self-help the day it was released. Wow. So it's like, since it's a holistic, you guys are holistic. Like I am like the personal and professional must go together.

So I think the market will recognize that. Fantastic. Well, good for you. Thank you. That's wonderful. And the book has a whole bunch of five-star ratings on Amazon. So why did you write this, John? Most of what I do is I work with really high-capacity people like CEOs and family

business owners and people that have accomplished a great deal. I started studying them to see what their secret sauce was because we always want to know what they did very well so we can emulate it. I noticed that the ones that had longevity, did great work, changed lives, changed businesses, hugely successful, is that they had a cadre of people around them that were the right people. The ones that had the ups and downs tended not to have great relationships. In fact, most of their relationships were giving relationships, outgo relationships, where they're developing people, mentoring people, coaching people, growing people, but very few really high-quality people for them. And I started looking at the research. The meta studies say that people who don't have some very, very close vulnerable relationships, they have more emotional struggles, more health struggles, and higher mortality.

So I said, I've got to write a book about it. How do you maximize the gain people in your life? And how can you minimize the drain people because it's a big deal? Oh, my goodness. We've had this conversation more than twice in our lives. So walk us through some practical tips that our listeners can take away. And we have almost an hour, but we're going to break this up into four shorter podcasts. So what are some high-level ideas that we can begin with? The number one high-level idea is that we need to understand what I call relational nutrients. You know, we're all into bio-nutrients.

I mean, you guys are really healthy, and you help people be healthy. We know we need to eat right and have the right supplements, et cetera, et cetera. And if we don't have enough calcium, we get osteoporosis. If we don't have enough iron, we get blood diseases. What's the blood disease? Anemia. My brain's not working. And I took that, and I went, you know, we also need relational nutrients.

In fact, I've trademarked the term relational nutrients, where it's not in a supplement, it's not on a tab, but they're nutrients we have like encouraging each other, challenging each other, really deeply listening to each other, empathizing with each other. And they're not transferred by a tab. They're transferred by my brain to your brain and your brain to my brain in a conversation, in a text, in a dinner out, in a lunch or whatever. And that's how we stay healthy. It corresponds so much with the work you guys are doing because you're pioneers in this area. So the number one practical thing is you've got to be able to

identify what you need and where you can get it from. If you go to relationalnutrients.com, it has a list of all 22 nutrients, and there are four categories. Be present with each other. Shut up and listen. We need people sometimes just to shut up and be with us in the well of challenge or convey the good. Sometimes we feel down. We don't believe in ourselves.

We had a loss. We need somebody to kind of pep us up and say, you're okay. So there's be present. Then there's convey the good. Then there's deliver reality. Sometimes we need somebody to say, I need a Yoda figure here. You're a smart person. I need you to go with my why.

You're kind of a Merlin for me. Help me understand what the heck's going on in my family, in my business, in my head. And the fourth one is called call to action. Sometimes we need people to kick us in the butt and say, okay, you understand it, do something. Take some action steps. Take some homework. We've got those four quadrants of 22 nutrients,

and you're getting those every day, and you're giving those to people in your company, giving those to people in your life and your family. Life goes pretty well. So it's the relational nutrients that are kind of key. So I just went to relationalnutrients.com. I love this. It's laid out really well. Tan and I on the Brain Warriors Way podcast, we always talk about our four circles of health and illness. So there's the biology circle, which is your brain and your body. There's the psychology circle, which is your mind.

There's the social circle, which is who you hang out with. And there's the spiritual circle, which is, well, why the heck do you care? And this is more social, I suppose, although all the circles work with each other um but it's just such a clear explanation of the social circle and i bet there's a lot of people like you and I listening that spend probably more of their time caring for others. Tana's writing a new book called One Less Scared Child. It's actually about the reluctant healer. It's like when you have people in your life that need help and you don't really want to do it. Because of your own trauma. Because of your own trauma.

Because of your own trauma. How do you navigate that? Oh my gosh, Hannah, that's going to be a bestseller. That book needs to be written today. Great. Thank you so much. But it sounds like people fuel is part of the solution to that is to make sure you're balanced rather because i bet a lot of people listening are not yeah very balanced yeah this is interesting because we talk about this a lot actually um we do spend probably the majority of our time as the people helping which actually feels good most of the time but there are days I wake up and I'm like, I'm not answering my phone today. I'm done. Like I'm just done.

Because it's exhausting if you're not balanced. If you're not balanced and you're not refueling, you're absolutely 100% right, John. It's exhausting. I can tell you how you can do a test on yourself, guys, is you go to lunch with somebody and if you're with the right person, you go where you

feel i can rule the world i can get i mean i've got energy i've got creativity and then there's some people you come away from lunch and you go i need a nap yeah no it's so true and it's it's why i don't join a lot of the social circles in my area i hate saying that i'd rather write a check and like just you just do my part, but I choose my social circles outside of that. It just feels draining to me. My friends are not like that. My friends are very uplifting. They care. Do you notice, one of the things I notice is when people don't ask you how you are and they just start with the problems that they want you to solve for them, those are relationships that are in the draining category. So that's one thing we could have our listeners, if you would, anyone listening, maybe write into us, either leave a question or a comment about something you learned

today. Are you one of those people? Could you do better with asking? I know I could. There are times even with you where I call you and I launch into what's going on. And I actually recently have tried to be more conscious about how was your day? What's going on with you? What did you do today? Because I know that it's easy when you're as busy as we are. You're my person. So it's easier for me to launch into it. So how many of you think you could do better or are you on the other end of it? Are you on the receiving end of people always calling you? And so could you be better at and more assertive at like, I love you, but could you listen for a minute? You know, like I need to talk to you. I would love to hear what people have to say about that. And what would you say, John?

How would you handle that? Well, that really addresses the second part of the book, guys, which is another model when I talk about the seven C's, like the letter C of relationship. And that's when y'all said you got to be in balance. This is about the balance because there's relationship, there's nutrient-rich relationships, and there's nutrient-draining relationships.

And when you go through the seven Cs, it makes sense. The highest is coaches. We need people who can, like, cheer us on. They've done the 10,000 hours. They know music well, or they know athletics well. Like, I've got a coach who's my trainer. I mean, I know I need to fire him. But you've got people in our lives that, you know,

they're spiritual coaches, emotional coaches. They're very high nutrients because we pay them, right, and they're experts. Then we've got comrades, and comrades are those people we go through life with. Like you talked about how your friends are so uplifting for you, Tana. Tana. Tana Bonanza. Tana Bonanza. You know me, I'm being trained.

And so the comrades are like, they're in the fight together. Then you've got people who are casual, like just sort of existential, have a glass of wine and talk about life, good people. And then you've got colleagues. You've got to have good people you work with. And then you've got the people that are care. And care are people that are without. I mean, anything from somebody in sex trafficking that's really awful or developing country to somebody young who comes to you guys and says, can you mentor me because you know a lot. We have to care about people.

And then there's chronics. And, you know, you guys know I'm originally from the South. And chronics are what we used to call the South. Bless their heart. I mean, they're just a mess. They're always a hot mess. They never learn their lessons. They're always in trouble with money and family.

And they never learn. And you give them all this advice. They never do what you say. And since the three of us are people helpers, we tend to throw all our energy in the black holes of the chronics, hoping that they'll get better. We miss our kids' soccer games because all this happens. And they just have a flat learning curve. And then there's contaminants. And contaminants are dangerous, toxic people. And you got to stay away from those. Most of the people that I work with will look at that list and go, I'm bottom heavy. I don't have enough coaches and comrades, deep friends, and I've got too many care chronics and contaminants and you got to right size.

Yeah, I totally agree with that. So it's interesting though, I've got two family members. We have two family members in our lives and it's so interesting i would say one is a chronic and one's a contaminant for sure but the difference for me is that the chronic at least she she definitely needs a lot but she's always asking how we're doing and so it makes it less she's she cares they can be nice she cares and so that makes it less draining than the one that just really feels toxic. And that one, I don't have a problem. I don't have a problem drawing boundaries and saying I'm done.

I think. You're the poster child for the book Boundaries. Oh, for sure. But I learned that the hard way. So I just, there's that difference there. And you have to figure out where that line is for you. One you pour into too much and the other you have to protect yourself from. Before we stop the first podcast, can you, in two paragraphs, summarize Boundaries?

Because I think all of our listeners should read that book. Even though it's an older book, it's just a classic. It's one everyone should have. Oh, no, we got it. We got it. We rewrote it. It's new now. Oh, I love that book.

Here we go. We did an updated version because we're not talking about 8-tracks anymore. Yeah, and my biggest sadness is someone didn't give that book to me when I was 16. So that is a book

that should be read very early in life. Yeah, we wrote it 27 years ago. We were 10 or now we're 10 years old at the time we wrote the book. And yeah. Give us a summary so people know they should go. The best way to understand it, Daniel, is a boundary is a property line. It says this is my life, just like in my house or my apartment or my yard.

This is everything in here, which is my time, my energy or my apartment in my yard this is everything in here which is my time my energy my feelings my gifts everything here i'm responsible for and then i'm responsible to help other people but responsible for me this is mine two means i'll help you out i gotta protect mine and we get in trouble when we go to those people in our lives that say oh no my happiness is your problem my money happiness is your problem. My money problem is your problem. We have to go, I'm sorry, I'll help you, but ultimately I'm not responsible for that. Right.

Territorial line, I'm a nice person, but I have to draw a property line. Yeah. I could not agree with that more. And one thing I really— Is that why you kicked me? That's why I just kicked you, yes. Because I'm very, very clear, just after years of therapy and a lot of heartache, that I know where my responsibility lies and I don't want my daughter going through what I went through. And if it means saying no and turning people away

to make sure she doesn't go through what I went through, c'est la vie. That's what's going to happen. I will do my best to help you, but this is what I'm responsible for, first and foremost. So that's what's going to happen. The rest of my best to help you, but this is what I'm responsible for first and foremost. So that's, what's going to happen. The rest of you will have to come second. So, all right. Well, what one thing did you learn during this podcast, uh, posted on any of your social media sites? Uh, also if you leave us a review on brainwarriorswaypodcast.com, we'll enter you in for a raffle.

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