Change Your Brain Every Day - Intimacy Anorexia: Are You Starving Your Relationship?

Episode Date: June 23, 2025

What if the pain in your marriage isn’t from fights, cheating, or resentment—but from a hidden condition you’ve never heard of? In this powerful episode, Dr. Daniel Amen and Tana Amen sit down with renowned sex therapist Dr. Doug Weiss to explore Intimacy Anorexia—a silent relationship killer that affects more couples than you might think. Discover the subtle signs, the root causes (including trauma and neglect), and how healing is possible. If you feel more like roommates than soulmates, don’t miss this provocative conversation. 00:00 Intro 01:07 Sponsor 03:37 Intimacy Anorexia in Relationships 05:55 How Pain Manifests in Relationships 09:28 Married & Alone 11:31 Research on Relationship Traumas 13:30 Narcissism: Paying the Bill 16:22 Paradigm for Change  18:32 Origins of Intimacy Anorexics 21:45 Neglect & Spirituality 23:31 Clues to Intimacy Anorexia 25:15 Examining Gender Differences 28:40 Sponsor 29:40 Wrap Up   Dr. Weiss’ new book, Forgiveness for Everyone: https://www.amazon.com/Forgiveness-Everyone-Dr-Doug-Weiss/dp/1881292592  

Women who are married to sex addicts, women who have been cheated on, and women who have been starved by intimacy and amyxia. We ran them through multiple tests. They were within 1 or 2% of each other on every single scale. So a woman who's being neglected is experiencing the same PTSD as a woman who is being cheated on. Doug Weiss is a licensed psychologist and the executive director of Heart to Heart Counseling Center. Known for his work with people struggling with addiction and trauma. No one wakes up and says, you know what, I want to starve my spouse. Well, they get here through, number one, sexual addiction. Even if they're using their spouse's body, they're not present. Their eyes are closed and they're disconnected.

The other reason is sexual abuse. If someone's been sexually abused, sex is painful and they don't want to go there. The other one is role model neglect, where mom and dad were intimacy out of exit, emotionally distant, unavailable, abusive, and unsafe. And when we're not skilled because of our family of origin, we can duplicate the same patterns of a lack of intimacy and connection. What do you do about that?

Well, if you're married and alone, I would definitely... Every day, you are making your brain better, or you are making it worse. Stay with us to learn how you can change your brain for the better every day. Whether you're a police officer, firefighter, EMT, therapist, or other personnel, you have to face high-intensity stressful situations on a regular basis. In some cases, you have to make split-second life-or-death decisions. The job can lead to critical incident stress,

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The time is now for a brain health revolution, and it starts with you. Sign up now. ["Change Your Brain Everyday"] Welcome back to the Change Your Brain Everyday podcast. We are having such a great conversation with Dr. Doug Weiss. This is part two. And I just want to show his book, Forgiveness for Everyone. It's coming out soon and we'll let you talk about

that a little bit. But we're just having such a great conversation about intimacy and betrayal and addiction. It's just fascinating to me. So we want to talk, we want to kick this segment off with intimacy anorexia, understanding it and how to overcome it. And what does it even mean? It's not a meaning disorder. Absolutely. Well, we want to do that. I mean, intimacy anorexia, and you've had clients who've had this and you know people who've been through this, okay?

Intimacy anorexia is the active withholding of spiritual, emotional, and physical intimacy from your spouse. Everyone else thinks you're a wonderful person, But when you go home, you close your heart's door and your spouse feels outside. He or she feels married and alone. We have conversations. I feel like we're roommates. I feel like we're business partners. I don't feel loved. We need to go to counseling. We need to get jump-started. You're having this dialogue on a regular basis every couple of years about the pain that one person is in. And intimacy and erectity is real. Starving your spouse is real. And so a term that we coined because I was seeing, I was working with sex addicts and I was running into this

couple and this guy who was a sex addict, but he's not touching his wife for five or 10 years at a time. I'm like, well, that doesn't make any sense. So what am I really looking at here? And developed into intimacy and erectity, the the concept and it's really helped people understand what's going on inside that sexless and married relationship, you know, and the lack of intimacy. Some of them will be sexual, but they're not intimate. They don't give their heart to you. And when you marry someone who doesn't give their heart to you, you feel so alone when they're laying next to you. And you feel like you're just going through the motions day after day, and it hurts. And the longer you go, really the first 10

years, you will try, try, try, try, try to do everything you can to be loved by them. The second decade, you will tend to either get yourself busy with the kids volunteer, you will get distracted or Medicaid. As you move into the third decade, you will tend to either get yourself busy with the kids, volunteer, you will get distracted or medicated. As you move into the third decade, you get hopeless and your heart can actually stop. It's just like, I got nothing left because for decades you've put nothing in there and it's gone. Well, we have to talk a little bit about at that stage, empty-nest syndrome, because when women have empty-nest syndrome, and especially if they don't feel like their spouse is their

best friend. It's rough. I mean, I know I just sort of went through that, but my spouse is my best friend, but it's hard. Absolutely. Well, any additional pain. If you're already in pain, it's more like being starved. It's like if I would fast for a month, I would not be the same Dr. Doug Weiss.

I would be angry, frustrated, short, impatient, right? And so, when you're being starved, you get altered in the process. It's the part of material trauma. We'll talk about that in a little bit. But the intimacy and erection is real and people can find out about that. But also, like, how does someone get that way? Like, no one wakes up and says, you know what, I want to be a sex actor. Hey, you know, I want to be an intimacy and erection when I grow up. I want to starve my spouse. That's what I want to do. Well, they get here through number one, we talked on the earlier podcast about sexual addiction. They hijacked their sexual template and they attached to

it instead of a soul. And during marriage, they're still being sexual with it more than they are the soul of their spouse. Even if they're using their spouse's body, they're not present. Their eyes are closed and they're disconnected, okay, which is a really bad sign and it's really bad sexuality. You want to have your eyes open, lights on, nurturing conversation, connect. And there's a whole book called Upgrade Your Sex Life. It'll blow your mind. It's great stuff, okay?

But that's one reason. The other reason is sexual abuse. We talked about that. Well, if someone's been sexually abused, sex is painful. And they might not want to have it, or they might want to be really in control of it, or they might want to not be as present in it because it might be pain.

And they don't want to go there. The other one is role model neglect, where mom and dad were intimacy and arraxia, mostly distant, unavailable, or abusive and unsafe. And so, especially if it's the cross-gender parent, you don't learn to attach to the cross-gender, so you learn to function cross-gender. And when you get married, you go into function with cross-gender because you don't know how to relate to cross-gender. Wow. Does that make sense? And so, your skill is limited and therefore, humans, in my experience,

tend not to do things they're not good at or don't know anything about. I don't know anything about motors. If my car breaks down, I will do what every guy does, lift up the hood, and then call AAA. Because I don't know what to do with that thing. And when we're not skilled because of our family of origin, we can duplicate the same patterns

of a lack of intimacy and connection. Now those are the easiest to work with because if an intimacy master wants to get better and wants to have intimacy, I've seen that miracle happen thousands of times, but I've also seen where someone says, no, I'm not letting you in. Even if you give me the skills, I'm not coming out to play.

And that's hard to stay married to. That's hard to day in, day if you give me the skills, I'm not coming out to play. And that's hard to stay married to. That's hard to day in day out do life with because you're paying a price every day with your soul because of the neglect, because we're meant to be poured into and pour out, pour in, pour out, you know, and if we have that going on, life is great, like my wife and I have a great relationship. We connect and we pour into each other and we're able to, it's a give and receive and fun. We attack each other, we play. It's great, right? But when you're in a situation where one person might be doing all the initiation and the other person's not doing that, they'll forget your birthday. They'll put you in pain

if you want to be intimate. They'll put you in pain if you suggest that they're not wonderful, right? That's not fun anymore. And that's kind of how intimacy and erection can develop. Interesting. It's so common for me to talk to couples who haven't touched each other in years. I know. Isn't it sad? I'm just like, that's so sad. It's so sad. And then the spouse, we have a whole book on married and alone. And the statistics on that are massively damaging. I hear that a lot. I hear that a lot from just the women that I know in my groups. It's like I just feel like I, you know, I had the kids to focus on. That's what I was trying

to get at. Right. Right. So it was fine. I was fine being alone because I had the kids. I was functioning. Now I don't have the kids and I'm not fine anymore. No, because now you're looking for a relationship. Right. And the absence of that relationship becomes so painful and in the fact that you've invested

five, 10, 15 or 20 years of your life into something that doesn't have any return, you go, what am I doing? I only have so much time left. Now I'm in my 40s or 50s and do I really want to be unloved the rest of my life? And that's a real question for those that are married and alone. And the married and alone material has lots of statistics on what they go through. Depression, weight gain. I did a conference one time, a women's conference,

and a lady came up to me and said, she said, would you pray for me or something like that. And I looked at her. She was significantly overweight. She had low self-esteem. And I could just tell. I said, I don't mind doing this, but go home and ask your husband if he's looking at pornography. Okay, because she had all the symptoms of that. But she was also living with intimacy and actually being starved. And a woman who is starved

is different than a woman who's not starved. And a man who is starved is different. Okay, and that does make you vulnerable. You know, if you're even reasonably attractive and you're out there and you're starved, the other gender can smell it and they can go, oh, well, that's not being cared for. Right. You know, like when you see a car that's not been washed, you can sense it and go, wow, that's interesting. And then they start complimenting, it can get into trouble. Okay. It's still you make your own choices in that situation, but the pain is real.

Actually in the book, Partner Patrol Trauma, you'll find this fascinating because you like to do research. So three different populations, women who are married to sex addicts, women who have been cheated on in fidelity, and women who have been starved by intimacy anorexia. We ran them through multiple tests, pre and post.

And I was expecting, like you would, well, there's gonna be some variances here. We're gonna find this situation causes this, this causes this. But as I went through the research, and I went through it several times, what I was blown away with Dr. Amon was this. They were within one or 2% of each other

on every single scale. So a woman who's being neglected is experiencing the same PTSD as a woman who is being cheated on or a woman who's married to a sex addict. She has the same symptoms exactly. And so they're the kind of the silent pain that we don't hear except for like you and I, they come to our office and they say, hey, we haven't had sex in 10 years, 15 years. Are there gender differences with intimacy, anorexia? No, but I can say that a male anorexia, because men and women, you know, girls are supposed to

be good and guys are, you know, we're allowed to be not so good. But so when you tell... That does not fly. I know, it doesn't fly. It's not true. But culturally, that's kind of the thing. So, when a female anorexic, you tell her that she's not being good, she has a real problem with that. Because they're an object relationship with self as well as others. So, if they're not in the good box, they feel like they're in the all bad box. They're either all bad or all good. And intimacy anorexic is doing some very bad things. It's not kind to starve somebody of physical affection.

It's not kind to not praise them. It's not kind to continually point out the 2% you don't like about them when they're 98% perfect and you're less than that. And it just continue to build this wedge and it's intentional. That's the thing. We have a DVD about that. And when, when we call painful love. I'm thinking of a patient. And if you're married to a narcissist who really just sees themselves and they don't see you, you're sort of married to an intimacy anorexic. You will experience the same symptoms

but for different reasons, right? Just like I have a lot of ladies married to sex acts who think they're narcissists. Well, we've done studies on our MMPIs and ours were lower than the general population because the symptoms of narcissism was based on the addiction and the immaturity of the addiction was based on a characterological problem.

Does that make sense? That's really- That's what if you really are married to a narcissist. If you're married to a narcissist, they're married to themselves. Right. But this is what's similar. The similarities are, and we have a DVD called Intimacy, Interrexia, Sex, and Sexism and Narcissism.

Okay. So there is a whole like hour and a half of me explaining this. Okay. But this, the symptoms are the same. They're both an object relationship, a narcissist and an intimacy anorexic. So you're not real. Okay, you're part of the their thing. Okay, so in that way, they are the same. They are both married to themselves.

Okay, and they will both let you pay the bill. Okay. So if I'm in pain, I'm gonna hurt you. If you're gonna- They're both married. We have to have to process this. They're both married to themselves. Right. But you pay the bill. Right. And so- Because like suppose-

Someone who's been withholding for 20 years and then you have to pay the malamoney. Well, there's that. I don't think you meant that. That can cost you a lot. No, but that's a valid point. But I'm talking about the day in, day out. Yeah, or when they go to get divorced and that person looks at you and goes, what's wrong?

Nothing's wrong. Well, they're not in pain. See, that's the problem. Right. They don't understand why there's a problem. The intimacy in Mexico isn't in pain because they're not desiring intimacy. The person who's more normal who wants intimacy is the one in pain. Like I don't understand why you have a problem with this.

Right. Because they're getting their needs met. They're getting touched. They're getting praised. They're getting their birthday celebrated. Just by themselves. No, no. If they're married to a normal person, you're going to buy them a Christmas present.

You're going to buy them birthday present. You're going to praise them. Okay. You're going to touch them. You're going to a normal person, you're gonna buy them a Christmas present. You're gonna buy them birthday present. You're gonna praise them, okay? You're gonna touch them. You're gonna wanna pursue them, right? Because you really do enjoy them. So they're getting a lot of their needs met. You're just not, okay? And so that's what I mean by paying the bill. It's kind of like you're doing all this initiation,

but eventually you find out that it's not being reciprocated. And then you emotionally, and also if you try to call them on the carpet, you're the one who's going to get blamed. Okay. So, is the intimacy anorexic, the person who's not getting love? Or is it the person who's not giving love? The person who's not giving it. So, you're married to one and so what do you do about that?

Well, if you're married and alone, I would definitely, first of all, get informed. You can go and look at intimacyinteracted.com. Get informed, because you'll be reading your life story in the two books, Intimacy Interacted and Married and Alone. You'll be like, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh. And we get thousands of phone calls a year because of that. It's like, this is what I'm dealing with.

I didn't know what it was. Then get help. They can do intensives. They can do phone counseling. But it has to be in connection to that. It's like, this is what I'm dealing with. I didn't know what it was. Then get help. They can do intensives, they can do phone counseling, but it has to be in connecting to that. Now there's intimacy interaction book, workbook, step book, there's groups, all that stuff. But help us with this podcast. What are some steps people can do if you're married to an intimacy interaction? Well, again, find out, make sure it is what it is, okay? All right, and if it is intimacy interaction, then you can ask them to read the book or watch the video. I usually say, watch the video together,

and if they get up from that video and they're angry and mad at you, you're not in a situation that's probably gonna change. Or if they say, I don't know what you're talking about, everything's fine. But if this is like, oh my gosh, this is me, now there's hope. There's hope, because they can see fine. But if this is like, oh my gosh, this is me. Now there's hope. There's hope.

Because they can see it. So what do you think? What are the chances that they're going to, that someone who's doing that is actually going to go, okay, I have a problem. Oh, we've had many. Really? We've had many who, I'll never forget this lady who called the office and said, I just watch your DVD.

That's me and my husband. There's been so much pain. I can't believe I've done this to him. Because sometimes you just don't know what you don't know. And sometimes like you've written many books and you give them paradigms and people will say, oh, that paradigm fits. Oh, that helps me because now there's a solution because now I have a paradigm that makes sense. Right. And when you give them a paradigm of like intimacy and amyxia and it works and the solutions work, they're happy. And some people don't want to be that way. They don't want to be withholding. They don't have the skills to do it. And the work gives

them the skills to do it. And then they start liking intimacy. I can't tell you how many, I can think of hundreds of, not more than that, probably more than a thousand, where the intimacy in a Rexic was the one who was really loving it. It's like, oh my gosh, I can share my feelings and it's safe, oh my gosh, I can share my feelings and it's safe. Oh my gosh, I can give and receive praise. I didn't know I could do that. So they just never experienced it.

They didn't experience it. Do you find, I'm just curious, do you find a bigger percentage of that population comes from trauma in their childhood or does it come from other sources? Like where does this develop? As we talked about earlier, any one of those roads. It can come from sexual addiction by the template, okay? Because you're not their preferred object, okay? It can come through

where there is trauma, where they are shutting you off or they can't let you all the way in and feel safe because you haven't done the work yet. And it can come from role model neglect and parenting or an attachment, lack of attachment to the opposite gender parent. Any one of those four things can set you on this road. So you don't really see significantly more of- One or the other? Yeah. Not really. I mean, we do a lot with sexual addiction. So we see a lot more sex addicts, but if you took it generally, I don't think you would see that it would pan out much differently. I was just thinking.

But it's going to grow. Early in my career, I studied children and grandchildren of alcoholics. And my first wife, when I was in medical school, tried to kill herself. Oh, wow. And I've talked about this publicly. And I took her to see a wonderful psychiatrist. And I came to realize if he helped her, which he did, it wouldn't just help her, it would help me. It would help our children, help our grandchildren.

And it came out that her dad was a raging alcoholic, which she denied initially. Said, no, he wasn't an alcoholic, even though he beat her mother or even though the police were being called. I mean, it was- All, all the symptoms were there. Yeah. And what we learned is they don't talk, they don't trust, and they don't feel. Feel. All addictions. And there are 30 million children of alcoholics. And I wonder how many of them might end up with this intimacy and erection because you don't feel because that's

dangerous. The other thing is now we're in a generation where they can go to the computer and their phone and they can attach to fake relationships in that way and feeling like they're actually doing that but not having any real relationship in reality. So we actually have another venue to escape that we didn't have before. But we have a book on Beyond the Bedroom, which is for adult children of sex addicts. And it's the same thing. The statistics on their attachment

in their primary relationships are challenged. They have a lot of issues because of the sex addiction in their family. Because when you're being raised by an addict, you're being raised by about a 12 to 14 year old. Because in addiction, you stop developing raised by about a 12 to 14 year old. Because in addiction, you stop developing whenever the addiction starts happening consistently. That's a very important point. We should repeat that. Your brain stops developing when you

start being addicted to whatever you're addicted to. It's not just your brain, it's spiritually, emotionally and morally. Because you're just so hyper focused. And morally is the right and wrong stuff, right? So you just, you literally rob your brain of, well, your development, you rob your development because you're stuck in adolescence because when you feel you go to it, you don't process the feeling, you don't figure out, you don't ask for help, you don't grow, you don't change. You just medicate and you come back to the same problem. And so if you're being raised by a 14 year old, you're going to be challenged.

You talked about spiritual anorexia. What did you mean by that? Well, I don't know that I use the term spiritual anorexia. I mean, you can withhold spiritually. That was what I said is an intimacy actually withholds spiritually. So they might be a pastor, they might be a medicine man, rabbi. I've dealt with all of them. Okay.

And even though they're the spiritual figure, when they are home, they won't connect spiritually with their spouse. They won't pray with them. Now, in church, they'll raise their hands, they'll be the people in the front praying, but when they go home, they don't connect. And it's even harder in that community because whether you're the wife or husband of a spiritual leader and then they're your spiritual leader and your spouse and they're neglecting you, that's hard on the soul. Yeah. Well, it's that lack of authenticity. Absolutely. But they're in object relationships

with self and others. So it's about managing the image. That's just such an interesting concept. Yeah. Well, object will, let's go down there just for one second. Object relationship is basically where people have no value. That's why, as a narcissist, they can lie. Or as an interaction, they can withhold, et cetera. People have no value. OK? There are no rules.

And there are no consequences. That's my worst nightmare. Now, the reverse of that is relational reality, which is people have value. Like we've committed our careers to helping people because they have value. Okay, there are rules. We didn't write them and there are consequences if we disobey them, right? And there's a, but those are two different operating systems, but they're inside human beings and they're working off of one or the other and you gotta make sure you're working with someone who's on the same program as you are. Otherwise you can get

messed up. Are there dating clues? Yes. To your dating and intimacy anorexic? Yeah. Get your daughter finding Mr. Right. It is a master's level course on how to date. I'm not kidding. I feel like all girls need that right now. It's three hours long. It's 200 page workbook. Okay. And it goes into all this stuff on how to look for a man. This is so important.

Versus a child. Because addicts, their development's robbed, right? So they look like adolescents. So you can find that out. And a mature man looks like a man. Okay? But you got to know that there's, male is not man. There are just so many-

Male is male. Yeah, there are so many adult frat boys walking around that just never outgrew Greek life. That's because they're still drinking. It's crazy. And they're still doing porn. Yeah. Their addiction robbed them of development. Okay?

That's why they're still in bars at 50 years old. Like, okay, that might have been fun when you were 20, but come on. Right? So, to your point. So yeah, but there are women, you're right, women do need to be informed. Okay, that's why I, like you, I went in the studio, I spent hours going through this teaching on Finding Mr. Right. Why? Because for 40 years, I've listened to the broken hearts of really good, beautiful, incredible women who had their lives destroyed by men who were boys when they were dating. And they're like, Dr. Weiss, is there anything you can do to

help my daughters? And after, you know, you know this, someone keeps sending you the same message like, okay, you need to solve that problem. You know what to do here. So go in there and just get it done. And okay, you go in studio, you shoot it. But it's been one of our best selling things because women don't have a class on how to find Mr. Right. They just don't. So they just go out there and they get used and abused. And if they get lucky, they get lucky. We need to play devil's advocate for a minute because we keep talking about women being hurt and men hurting women.

We've got to talk about the flip of this for a minute. Absolutely. The betrayed man is real. I have a video on that. So it's not like I don't do stuff on both sides. And it's real. And the women that are culturally younger than I would say 35 have been raised in a sexual culture

where they're expected to be these sexual amazing creatures who do all kinds of crazy things and they are also kind of influenced to use their seductive skills to capture man instead of their intellect, their spirit, their soul, their goals, their future, their political alignments and in trying to find someone who they just they just need to be cute and they spent all this money getting plastic surgery when they're like they're only 20 years old. I mean come on you're great you don't need to be improved right? And so it's a sad time but we are living in a situation where men are getting betrayed at record numbers. That's actually one of the highest number of calls that have increased in our practice is men being betrayed. That's

why we put together the betrayed man because men won't always seek counseling for it. So, we put it in the DVD. Of course, because they should be better. They don't need help. Right, right. And they don't want to, they're not going to talk to another guy and say, yeah, my wife cheated on me. They're not going to do that. But they will watch a video and do the anger work and the grief work and understand what they need to do. But they'll take it more that way. If they want more help, they'll call for counseling, but they won't necessarily come in. They'll usually just divorce or move on. Amazing. So are men more likely to file for divorce if this happens?

Absolutely. Interesting. Absolutely. Because it's... It's an ego hit? I don't know that I want to put a label on the why. All I can say is our genders are made differently and women have a capacity to embrace that kind of relational pain that many men find it hard to find that capacity. They're like, okay, fine. That's what you want to do. You know, did you think it's more ego or is it?

It's just an easy way to solve a problem. You know, it doesn't, it may not, it's, they still have to deal with their hurt and their trauma because they've been traumatized. But they're just, they're just different way they, the way they see it. They might give them one more chance, but the men are pretty much black and white on that thing where women are kind of like, okay, you know, all right, you know, because women are thinking what about the kids, about the future, about the grandkids, about that, where they're going to live, how they're brain got remodeled when they had babies and all of a sudden everything is about the unit. And they put up with lots of stuff. But then when they go through menopause,

they're like, I'm done with you. It rewires again. It rewires again. All right. That sounds like a great book. We're with Dr. Doug Weiss. You've been listening to Change Your Brain every day. His new book, Forgiveness for Everyone, A Path for Letting Go and Moving Forward. I love that. Forgiveness helps your brain for sure. This is out when? Now.

It's out now. Go to Amazon. Go to Amazon or they go to our website, drdougweiss.com. Drdougweiss.com. Doug, thank you so much for coming and being with us. We're grateful for you. Well, thank you. So interesting.

You're in a war for the health of your brain. Everywhere you go, someone's trying to shove bad food down your throat that will kill you early or give you an addictive gadget, put terrible news in your head, making you anxious. Hi, I'm Dr. Daniel Amon, founder of Amon Clinics and Amon University. My wife Tana and I created the Brain Warriors Way course. It's 26 hours of content where we walk you through specifically in detail how to have a better brain and a better life from the food you eat to the thoughts you think to the strategies that you can engage in every day If you want to survive and thrive you have to become a brain warrior

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