Change Your Brain Every Day - Our Tips to Strengthen Relationships, with Dr. Sharon May

Episode Date: December 19, 2019

In this episode of The Brain Warrior’s Way Podcast, Dr. Daniel Amen and Tana Amen are joined by Dr. Sharon May for one last episode on building and maintaining healthy relationships. In this episode, Dr. May gives her top tips to strengthen your own relationships, such as finding and breaking argument cycles, paradigm-shifting thought patterns, and dating boosts.

Welcome to the Brain Warriors Way podcast. I'm Dr. Daniel Amen. And I'm Tana Amen. In our podcast, we provide you with the tools you need to become a warrior for the health of your brain and body. The Brain Warriors Way podcast is brought to you by Amen Clinics, where we have been transforming lives for 30 years using tools like brain spec imaging to personalize treatment to your brain. For more information, visit amenclinics.com. The Brain Warriors Way podcast is also brought to you by BrainMD, where we produce the highest quality nutraceuticals to support the health of your brain and body. To learn more, go to brainmd.com. Welcome back. We are here with Dr. Sharon May, psychologist, marriage. She has a PhD in marriage and family and a master's degree in theology. So good.

She's the author of How to Argue So Your Spouse Will Listen and Safe Haven Marriage. She does couples intensives, both with individual couples and with groups. She and I share a number of really fun patients. And I've just so enjoyed this week with you. Yeah, it's been really special. Both Tan and I have our group of brain warriors will love this. And obviously, we want our tribe to get their brains right, because when your brain is right, you can listen. When your brain is right, you have more empathy. But even when your brain is right, sometimes the dragons can drag you down or drag you to the dark place. And with your experience, give us some of the best tips that you've given to couples or the best strategies that you think, these are things I know really help the people I serve. Yes.

And again, thank you so much for having me on your show this week. I've had so much fun with the two of you. So have we. Yeah, it's been great. And yes, I've had over 800 individual intensives and thousands of couples have come through the Safe Haven Relationship Center. And at the end of the day, I think the greatest, even though it's so simple, the greatest awareness couples walk away with is that my spouse actually wants to desperately be loved by me. That if we can remember, our spouse wants a safe haven.

They want a relationship they can come home to and that our spouse is not the enemy. Yes, your spouse has hurt you. The way your spouse acts or reacts has made you feel bad about yourself and really hurt you. But at the end of the day, you both want to be loved and cared for. And the work that we do in the intensives is we help the couples find their argument cycle. Once you can name your argument cycle, you can stop it. What are the triggers? What do I say to myself when that happens, which is my dragon? What meaning do I put on that event? And how do I feel in that moment? And how do I react when my dragon raises its head? And how does that then impact my spouse? I see that the trash wasn't taken out.

My dragon says, you don't care about me. I'm the only one who will care about this house. All the responsibility is on me. That would be, you know, it's your dragon. If you say it in the middle of most of your arguments, and then you feel angry and you react by yelling and then just withdrawing your love and having a one-up position. And that impacts your spouse. Maybe your husband then defends himself. I was just about to do it and

he's always defending himself. And then he shuts down and goes and watches tv for the evening once you realize your cycle and the both of you have agreed i want to save haven with you the two of you can begin a journey of changing your cycle you don't need to change your spouse. You need to change your cycle. And then when both of you choose to grow and be better people, you can then change your cycle. You can tame your dragons, choose to react differently so that you can be there for each other. I tell couples, okay, so this is a little complicated. You can get the book, Safe Haven Marriage.

You can go on to our Safe Haven Relationship Center. We've got podcasts. Love to have the two of you on my podcast. And you can learn how to do this differently. All right, you don't have it down. Then at the end of the day, turn to your spouse and say, you know, I really want to love you better. I'm not sure what our cycle is, but I am so sorry for hurting you. That apologizing, I know I've hurt you. I know I do things that impact our relationship. But, and I'm,

so I'm sorry for what I do and how it impacts our relationship. The vulnerability of taking responsibility for your part. I want to do this differently. I don't know how just yet. And to come back and say, but what I want from you is a safe haven. So that I apologize. I'm not saying it's all my fault. I'm saying I'm sorry that we are disconnected, hurting. I want to be a better person to know how to do this differently. And I want to love and be loved by you. That vulnerability breaks ice. And then to go on a date, to enjoy each other. You know, a lot of couples have responsibilities, you got the kids, you got work, you got the house to take care of. You know, you've got the holidays or the taxes or summer. I mean, there's always something

consuming our time. But to slow down and say, we are going to have fun. We're not going to talk about the kids' responsibilities. We're not even going to talk about how we hurt each other. We're going to say at the beginning of every date, I'm sorry. I want to be a better person and I want to be your safe haven. I don't know how to do it. I know I've hurt you. I know we're in chaos. Can we just go have some fun and being able to rebuild joy, gratefulness, connection, and to pay attention and put time into your marriage. We spend more time brushing our teeth, getting our car oil changed, even washing the floors of our kitchen than we do working on our marriage. And why I love your work.

I don't do any of those, Morgan, working on your marriage. On the day, should you take your phone or not? No, no, the mistress. You cannot take the mistress on the date. No. The phone is the mistress. Your date is about building this bond. I had the same thought.

And making it safe and connected. So we were thinking the same thing. So what's your ideal date? So first I want to talk about the argument cycle. Since we haven't experienced. Yeah, but first I have to talk about the argument cycle because you actually brought it up. I did not. It's the phone. It's the phone. It drives me insane. That's your trigger. It is a complete trigger. And it's like, and so I recognize it as you were saying that. I call this phone the mistress. So. Yes. And what meaning does it have for you, Tana? What's the dragon? That it's more important.

That you can't set it aside. That it's more important. And then he's always really nice. He's like, okay, I'll do better. And then he slips right back into it. And I know that it's because he's busy and he's got a big business and whatever. But it's like there needs to be boundaries around time for me. So if we're going to go spend time together, otherwise, I have things I can be doing.

If it's not important enough. So the'm unimportant yes is that i'm not important enough making me yes you are triggering you're opening the door so the dragon gets out but i'm still not going to go hang out with you if you're going to be on your phone no i i get the dragon and i get that that's something i have to work on. Right. And there's not a good excuse. Because I have no need to sit there while you're doing this. I could be at home doing something. See, that's what, but I recognized that when you were saying it. Yes. And choosing that at that moment, saying, you know, this is my dragon.

I feel I'm not important enough. This is maybe how I have felt before and how I have coped with that dragon and vulnerability is to fight for myself, put up the boundary and that's it. But you know, today in our relationship to have a safe haven, I will kindly say to you, love of my life, source of all my trouble and strife. That's great. Right now, you're on your phone. I want to feel important to you.

I want your full attention. If you can't give it to me now, that's fine. I'll go do something else. Right. That's pretty much what I say. That's it. Or say to him, love of my life, pretty much what I say. Give it, you know, that's it. Or say to him, love of my life, this is what I'm talking about. I, you know, to have your full attention, I need eye to eye, shoulder to shoulder. Would you like to finish that so you can give that to me? Yes.

It is when you do a harsh startup, as John Gottmanman says someone then defends themselves with a harsh a harsh reaction and when we just pause and give each other space i know you cherish me would you like to demonstrate that right now by putting the phone and i sit there with you so funny um yeah no i mean i'll often just get up and walk away which is pretty much the same as a harsh startup. That's a harsh startup. I'm going to use that line. And we can't do that. And I am just devouring your books and your material and your podcasts. And I was listening to your one podcast on, you know, loving well.

We can't do that if we don't have a healthy brain. You're not sleeping well. You're not exercising. You're not eating right. You know, your serotonin, dopamine, all those levels are just crazy. If you've had a head injury, if you've had toxic exposure, if you're going through menopause or andropause, all of those things impact relationships. So when we're on your podcast, we will talk about those with great fun.

You are such a gem. Yeah, so much fun. This is so good. Thank you. We've been with Dr. Sharon May. And tell everybody how they can learn more about your work. We talked about your books, How to Argue So Your Spouse Will Listen, Safe Haven Marriage You Wrote With Your Dad.

They can learn about the intensives. You are also on the radio with Focus on the Family. Is that correct? I have done radio programs with numerous programs, Focus on the Family, Family Talk. And I have a family talk blog that comes out every week on how to love well in relationships and families,

as well as on safehavenrelationshipcenter.com, our website. We are doing and getting ready to launch a series of podcasts on how to identify your cycle, your dragon, and the way you react, and how to change that so you can foster a safe haven marriage. And our intensives are just amazing. We have couples who maybe have affairs or just many years of arguing now disconnected. They don't trust each other with their hearts. We even have couples who say, you know, our marriage deserves every year a few days

where we can look at our cycle, look at how we're doing in our dragons and grow as people. Because the more we grow as individuals, the better we are to love well. And so the individual intensives, the safe haven intensives, And so the individual intensives, the Safe Haven intensives, and then the group intensives, which are so fun,

grow together. And as well as intensives we do for individuals. So give us a call, email us, grow at havenofsafety.com. And we would love to share the information as well as the resources we have so you can grow as a person,

so you can live and love well. Love it. Thank you so much. If you're enjoying the Brain Warriors Way podcast, please don't forget to subscribe so you'll always know when there's a new episode. And while you're at it, feel free to give us a review or five-star rating

as that helps others find the podcast. If you're considering coming to Amen clinics or trying some of the brain healthy supplements from brain MD, you can use the code podcast 10 to get a 10% discount on a full evaluation at amenclinics.com or a 10% discount on all supplements at brainmdhealth.com. For more information, give us a call at 855-978-1363.