Change Your Brain Every Day - Phileo Love: Can You Find Love in a Friendship?

Episode Date: April 8, 2019

Love exists in many forms. It can be passionate love, romantic love, familial love, or even platonic love. In this episode of The Brain Warrior’s Way Podcast, Dr. Daniel Amen and Tana Amen are once again joined by Natalie Buchoz for a continuation on the discussion of the many faces of love. This episode focuses on Phileo, or brotherly love, which is the love that exists between close friends.

Welcome to the Brain Warriors Way podcast. I'm Dr. Daniel Amen. And I'm Tana Amen. In our podcast, we provide you with the tools you need to become a warrior for the health of your brain and body. The Brain Warriors Way podcast is brought to you by Amen Clinics, where we have been transforming lives for 30 years using tools like brain spec imaging to personalize treatment to your brain. For more information, visit amenclinics.com. The Brain Warriors Way podcast is also brought to you by BrainMD, where we produce the highest quality nutraceuticals to support the health of your brain and body. To learn more, go to brainmd.com. Welcome. I'm here with a mother's love who will rip your face off. We're talking about love. Everyone who's a mother knows that you threaten a child and will rip your faces off, right? So no, seriously, we're talking about love. Today we're talking

about philea, right? Which is phileo, philea, you say phileo, I say philea. It's platonic love, friendship, right? Yes. So Philadelphia is the city of brotherly love. Yes. And in previous episodes for Love Week, we talked about passionate love, also known as eros. We talked deeply about relationships and how you two make it work in your relationship, not just romantically and intimately, but also, most importantly, on a friendship level. How do you two communicate day to day that helps you be better partners and better for your children?

So let's talk a little bit about that. Well, that's interesting because I think part of what adds to our relationship, even what adds to the passion ultimately is that we are such good friends, right? Like you're the person I call when anything happens. I mean, probably much to your, probably you don't always want me to do that, but that's what I do. Um, so I mean, anything happens and I call you when something happens in your day, you call me. And so that, I think, ultimately bonds us even more. So, you know, I mean, so many people are mistaken, I think, about foreplay. Foreplay starts long before you guys are together in the bedroom, correct? Don't you think?

Well, for girls it does. For boys it starts immediately, whenever you're interested. Although, you know, our friend dr yeah it doesn't take much if your testosterone level is near normal it doesn't take much from the women we love but but let's start with a review there's one i really like that's appropriate here it's called can't say enough I watched this particular podcast with my husband. We have experienced greater difficulty communicating successfully in the past. I found the information very appropriate to our problem. Thank you for the practical examples for change, for the betterment of our marriage, and for the encouraging way it was presented. The Brain Warriors way truly

has helped us understand and better live with each other using a healthy lifestyle. I love that. That was my favorite book to write. So friendship, they're so important. When you're socially isolated, it actually increases your risk of not only depression, but also Alzheimer's disease. social media director and the more kids actually spend on social media, the more they're lonely and the more they're depressed. Why do you think that is? That's a good question. I mean, we talk a lot about gadgets and how addictive they are and how easy it is to be consumed with social media and things that seem unattainable and to focus on things that you don't have rather than be grateful for things that you do have. We talk a lot about, you know, gratitude and journaling and reminding yourself daily why you're on this planet, but also, you know,

what you do every day that matters to you and, you know, and can help you in your life. And it's really easy to scroll on your Instagram and just be like, Oh, this person's in the Bahamas. This person's getting married. This person's pregnant. Oh, and look how perfect they look by the way. Yeah. Oh, look how skinny they are. And I think it's really easy for people to focus on that and not be able to, like I said, kind of focus on what makes them special, what they value and you know, what their purpose is in the world. It gets really muddy, especially, especially as a young adult. Well, and the, and the funny thing is, is, um, even my daughter who I think for her age is pretty grounded. Um, she will do that. She'll start going through, through Instagram and all of a sudden she'll see kids that she used to go to school with. And she's like, who looks like this? Like

who looks, and then she'll start to automatically go, why do so many of these girls look like this? Like there's, there's a significant number that are like posting pictures looking like sort of like supermodels. And I laugh and I go, you know, honey, I used to do the same thing. But here's the truth. Supermodels don't look like supermodels. Because in my day, in my era, they airbrushed them, right? But now it's so much easier. You just download an app and you look perfect.

Oh, my gosh. I'm sorry, but it's so much easier. You just download an app and you look perfect. Oh my gosh. I'm sorry, but it's just like, and the pressure to post pictures that look perfect is so high. And the pressure to continually to post. So not even just to post pictures that are perfect, but to be present on social media. Like how many, how many young kids do you know that don't utilize social media? I mean, can you really name any? No. And if you are that person that isn't utilizing social media, well, does that make you somewhat of an outcast and not fitting in? It's funny. Jason Momoa took his family, like they live off the grid.

Yeah. Like they don't have internet. His kids don't supposedly have. Yeah. They don't have internet. They don't have like. We're talking about someone you're lusting after. Yeah.

I see. But I just thought that was so fascinating because I didn't want their kids growing up with that. But I want you to notice that that does not bother me. Well, you talk about Scarlett. She actually has a real thought. Are you kidding me? About someone else. Too often, people who are insecure take that as, oh, well, then you don't want me.

Oh, no, no, no. And that causes all sorts of drama in relationships. If that were true, then Scarlett and Amy Adams would be like, I'd be in big trouble because, yeah. No, I know your girls. So what did I say to you on the way up on the elevator? So wait. But here's the difference between me and you.

I talk about Jason. With you, unfortunately, because of who you are, I'm sitting at home one day while you're on traveling on a business trip. And all of a sudden my text comes through and it's you with Scarlett Johansson. And I'm like, what? How does this happen to you? And you see the grin? Do you see the grin? Yeah. That was an awesome picture. Yeah, of course it was. So that's the difference. And I remember leaving the interaction. She's very sweet. Going, my wife is so much prettier. Aw, totally not true.

But so sweet that you would say that. No, that's exactly what I told you, right? Well, of course you told me that. And I didn't make that up, right? I could have just gently not said anything. That's so sweet. You're very sweet. All right, friendship.

Yeah, but kind of, you know, talking about a little bit what we just mentioned with social media and whatnot, how, one of the reasons why I wanted to do relationship week, and I think it's so important. We get so many questions on social media about this, but if you're an extrovert, dating seems a little bit more easy for you. You know, you're a little bit more outgoing. It's easier to talk to people, but what if you're introverted? How, you know, how does that kind of differ with the way that you start dating someone and start opening up to somebody? Because those things are, you know, that's a different process.

Tana, are you more introverted or introverted? And Daniel, I think I kind of answered that one. It doesn't seem like it, but I'm more introverted. He's more extroverted. It's not true. It is. It's not true. No.

So what you see, so when I'm in public, you will see me, my personality will be outward, but my preference is to be home in my PJs, not around a lot of people. No, I'm serious. And so, and when I first meet people, um, I will appear confident, but a lot of what I will say is not deep initially. Yeah. And even when it is, it's sometimes I've already thought about it. Like it's not, it takes me time to trust people. Like I'm not just going to like open up to everybody. Yeah. That has a lot to do with your background.

Oh yeah. I'm looking behind me. I'm looking around me. I want my back to the wall. I'm like, but I prefer being home. Just so people know the difference. You know, people think introverts are quiet and extroverts are loud. That's actually not it.

It's where do you get your energy? Home. Do you get your energy from being around other people? Or do you get your energy from being by yourself? Yeah. Or just with your core people at home. Yeah. Now, I'm one of seven. So, you just with your core people at home. Yeah. Now I'm one of seven.

So, you know, I was sort of trained. You had to go after the food on the table or there wouldn't be any. Yeah. No, you can't, when you say you're going to share something with him,

you have to like protect your half. That's really funny. So, and the difference, so he, so here's a perfect example. He loves New York. New York is exhausting for me.

When we go to Hawaii, my idea of going to Hawaii is like going to Kauai where I can hike and be off the grid. His idea of going to Hawaii is Waikiki. So, I mean, we're just very different that way. I want to go up to. So how do we navigate? Well, because we respect each other enough. So we'll often do both. So give and take.

So when you think about phileo or friendship love, is it mutual? And one of the ways you can tell is when you ask someone how they are, do they just launch into all the problems in their life or do they give you a short answer and then go, how are you doing? That is so important because we've all been around those people that sort of drain our energy because it's not mutual. And for us, it's mutual. You often, you know, how was your day? What are the stresses? And one of the rituals we do, so I make her her pumpkin pie spice cappuccino in the morning and we sit and talk, but we often start with, so what's going to be

great about your day? So that little habit, the little tiny habit we talk about a lot. And then at dinnertime or toward the end of the day, it's like, well, what went well for your day? And it's okay to talk about things that didn't go well. But we want to, I like rituals because it really does set the foundation. It sets the sort of structure for how you guys behave as a family. Right. Right? So putting rituals in that are good.

Forget the satanic rituals. I've actually seen patients with that. Now, where did that come from? Putting rituals that are helpful. Do you see? Do you see what I deal with? Like, it's just the left field comments are just so bizarre sometimes. I know.

Actually, our daughter started dating someone, and we go to brunch often on Sundays. And the conversation, he said yesterday, he said, my brain just hurt because we ended up talking about, um, the Dr. Oz segment I did with, um, past life regression and channelers and all of that. So, but that's what friendship is. It's sharing and it's caring and it's mutual, right? When you're with someone and they go, how's your day? Immediately start thinking, I wonder how their day is as well. Yeah. And it's really important.

So, I mean, so often I've thought to myself, I don't really need to nurture friendships, but that's not true. And I've thought that because, and the truth is, is I am really busy and my preference is to spend it with the people closest to me, my family. So a little bit of time I have, I want to spend with my family and, you know, my daughter and my husband. And then all of a sudden my daughter's not there one day. And I'm like, wait, wait, wait, what just happened? She grew up. She doesn't want to be with mom all the time. So it really is important. I know, and then you demanded I retire. Yes.

Only you didn't, you started working more. So then I'm like, whoa. Okay, so it really is important to make sure, even if you don't have a ton of time, be sure you're nurturing certain friendships. So before we finish this, when we're talking about friendship, love, I want you to quickly talk about mentors.

Oh, why they're so important? Yeah. So I think mentors are just critically important because I really like the idea that when you don't know what to do, when you're stuck, there's someone who does know, right? And so oftentimes I'll be talking to people or coaching someone and they just don't know how to start, where to start, what to do and what you can do. I love what Tony Robbins says, success leaves clues. So what I've, ever since I heard that in my twenties, I was like, oh, I'm just going to find someone who's doing what I want to learn how to do, or who has accomplished what I want to accomplish. And I'm going to follow that person and yep, I'm going to copy them. So I'm just going to copy them because, because that's

really important to be able to do. And so I have mentors in each area of my life. So business, spiritual, you know, relationships, love, like I have mentors in each area because I think it's really important to be able to have something to strive for. And I often say, I want to be the dumbest person in the room. Do not make a comment. I often say, I want to be the dumbest person in the room. Do not make a comment. I often say, I want to be the dumbest person in the room right now is a good time to use your funnel woes. Um, so, but what I mean by that is I w I want to be, I want my friends to be smarter than me, more giving than me to be more successful than I am, because that gives me something to look up to, to strive for. I like that. You become like the people you hang out with. People are as contagious as this wicked flu that's been going around. But I also think

it's important to be able to influence others and give back what you've learned. Yes. Great. We're going to talk about other different kinds of love when we come back. Stay with us. If you're enjoying the Brain Warriors Way podcast, please don't forget to subscribe so you'll always know when there's a new episode. And while you're at it, feel free to give us a review or five-star rating as that helps others find the podcast.

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