Change Your Brain Every Day - Q&A: The Amens Answer All Your Questions

Episode Date: July 18, 2019

In this episode of The Brain Warrior’s Way Podcast, Dr. Daniel Amen and Tana Amen wrap up their discussion on the impact of words, and then reach into the mailbag to answer some listeners’ questions, which tackle such subjects as getting over grief, and how to help children make the necessary transitions as they depart for college.

Welcome to the Brain Warriors Way podcast. I'm Dr. Daniel Amen. And I'm Tana Amen. In our podcast, we provide you with the tools you need to become a warrior for the health of your brain and body. The Brain Warriors Way podcast is brought to you by Amen Clinics, where we have been transforming lives for 30 years using tools like brain spec imaging to personalize treatment to your brain. For more information, visit amenclinics.com. The Brain Warriors Way podcast is also brought to you by BrainMD, where we produce the highest quality nutraceuticals to support the health of your brain and body. To learn more, go to Brainmd.com. Welcome back. The words you use matter. When I was a very young psychiatrist, I wrote a book called The Sabotage Factor,

which is all the ways we mess ourselves up from getting what we want. And the number one, the most important way people sabotage themselves is they use blaming words. Yeah. They blame other people for how their life is turning out. And when you do that, it completely disempowers you. You become a victim. You can't change anything. And the world is a terrible place to live. So when we stop blaming and take responsibility, doesn't mean

it's our fault. It means it's our ability to respond. Your world will get so much better. Now, of course, you have to have a brain that works right. Hardware and software get your brain right. And then the strategies with words, they're really programming your brain to get you what you want. If you think about it, every action, whether it's good or bad, starts with the words you tell yourself to do. I had a conversation with my sister who's recovering from addiction. And I said to her, I go, I'm so confused about this. I'm so confused about how, how is there not a point right before you took the first, before you, the very first time you did drugs, was there not a moment that you said, this is not a good idea. Like what, what made you say, this is a good idea.

I'm going to become an addict. Like, this is a good idea. what what made you say this is a good idea i'm going to become an addict like this is a good idea she was going to come but but see i in my mind that's what it would feel like because you are anxious but that is appropriate right because there's a difference between healthy anxiety and toxic anxiety but But you just made my point. My point is my language, because of whatever it is that my background was, said these are the words I say to myself. Right? Because basically it's because my aunt and uncle, who was a heroin addict, who overdosed twice and my other uncle was murdered. Nobody in my family was an addict.

And when I first got offered marijuana when I was in 10th grade, I'm like, are you nuts? That stuff could hurt you. Right. I like me. And why would I alter me? Right. And so I was worried about losing control. Right.

But my sister, when I said that to her, she goes, what are you talking about? I never thought that. All I thought was, huh, what can I try next? So do you see the problem? Her words, what can I try next? So do you see the problem? Her words, what can I try next? My words were, oh my God, that stuff is scary as hell. Like, there you go. Well, and we now live in a society that has basically told all of us that-

Drugs are fine. Ecstasy. And we were at- Oh my God at a movie premiere, which was phenomenal. We'll talk about Quiet Explosions coming up. And this doctor came up to me and talked about the Temple of Psychedelics. Yeah. And I'm like, I have. He's trying to get psychedelics passed as legal.

Well, and they're using ketamine for depression. I'm not a fan. Marijuana is legal in 31. I'm completely not a fan. But I'm not a fan of marijuana being legal. But let us know what this episode's about. But it's the words you use that matter that then determine your behavior. Right. that then determine your behavior, which then can help you stay married, blow your marriage apart,

help you be employed, help you make an amazing difference in the world, or ruin your life. So get your brain right. And what we're talking about with the words you use matter. It needs to be programmed to help you rather than hurt you. Right. So we're going to read some questions. We're actually going to discuss the questions you send in. So our challenge to you today is think about questions you want answered and post them at brainwarriorsway.com. Oh, no, brainwarriorswaypodcast.com.

And if you post your questions, once a week we read your question and your answers. So this one is How Long Does It Take to Get Over Grief by Queenie Deeney. Excellent episode. I appreciate the conversational format with Dr. Amen and Tana. They share amazing perspectives, stories, analogies, and insight to the subject of grief. I was thrilled that pet bereavement was mentioned and acknowledged. Excellent podcast. Thank you both for your amazingly selfless contribution to brain health and overall well-being of grief. I was thrilled that pet bereavement was mentioned and acknowledged. Excellent podcast. Thank you both for your amazingly selfless contribution to brain health and overall wellbeing of others. There are so many other things you could be doing for yourselves,

yet you continually choose to serve others. Thank you. How long does it take to get over grief? So it depends. You know, one rule of thumb I heard is it takes about half the time of the relationship to be completely over it. So if you're married for 50 years, unless you really are keeping yourself healthy, it could take a while. Now, completely healing may take a while, but a lot of people don't understand this concept that when grief is so stressful and so hurtful that the time to start healing from grief is right when it happens. The moment it happens. Right. I mean, if you break your leg, when's the time to start healing from it? Right then.

It's right then. You know, whether you need surgery or you need the bone set. Yeah, why do people think they need to wait? Because there is this notion that. It's good for you to suffer? It's good for me. Not good. Good's the wrong word.

It's necessary for me to suffer. Or that's how I respect the person or the animal that I lost. And that's just a lie. Yeah. That it doesn't honor the person for you to get depressed. It doesn't honor the person for you to do bad things that you're more likely to do. Now, I don't want you not feeling what you feel and not talking about what you feel. Or numbing yourself with substances. And then feel better fast and make it last. My new book, there's a whole section

on grief because it's just such a common thing that we have seen over the years. And I really like for people to journal during their grief, to write out the thoughts that are going through their head, write out what happened, write out the positive things about the person that you just missed desperately, and write out the negative things that you don't miss at all, just to get a balance of what is real, what is true. Yeah, we have this tendency to sort of put people on a pedestal after.

And idealize right and my grandmother did that so she was mean as a snake to my grandfather i was not happy um i just remember i was because i loved my grandfather and i'm like why do you talk to him like that that's you know i mean it irritated me um and then she idealized him after he died. Now he was an awesome human being, but damn it, why didn't you treat him like he was an awesome human being? Yeah, no, that's funny. Okay. So it takes, it really is different for everybody. And probably part of it depends on how healthy you are going into the grief. Well, that's absolutely right. And doing brain healthy things during grief, like exercising and eating well and working on your sleep can be so important. Yeah. Interesting. Okay. So grief. Let's see the next question.

My glasses. Let's see. This is by teenagers by RS2000. Talking about the words you use. Yes. Thank you for the rich information you provide every day. I honestly wake up brain thirsty. I like that. Brain thirsty. To hear and learn more every day. I hope the information you share will help me be a better mom. I would like for you to address the struggles we have with our young adult children going to college and how to help guard them from the bad influences out there, such as drinking, smoking, dueling, et cetera.

Thank you so much. All right. So I have a thought. Don't let your child go way to college until he or she is mature enough to do that until you're actually sort of confident that they're going to make a good decision. If I was an evil ruler, and you're going to hear this concept a lot coming up over the next year, it's in my new book, The End of Mental Illness, and I'm working on the script for the next public television special. If I was an evil ruler, I would take ADHD impulsive children who struggle with learning disabilities, and I would send them across the country to go to a college that has no supervision for the kids. If I was an evil ruler and I wanted to increase the incidence of mental illness,

I would send kids away. And we would put a lot more pressure on them than need be for them to go perform and go to these high level Ivy League college. Anyways, I won't get into that. So let's see, pay for them to, you know, get into schools they shouldn't be going to, to begin with. But that's a whole nother discussion. I want to add to that. So one of the things that the program Love and Logic was really helpful for me in teaching me with my daughter, and I'm glad I learned this at a very early age, is that this is a discussion, this idea of how do I help my kids when they go off to college, my young adult children, it has to start when they're very, very young. That teaching them the responsibility for their health, for the outcome of their life, for just being responsible in general for society, like how they interact in society,

that by the time they're young adults, it's often too late. And I love that. I love that I learned that because, um, in love and logic, he says, someone asked the question, when should I start? He said, when your child can throw peas from their high chair. And so, I mean, that was really the point. And he says, because by the time they are going to the mall with their friends and spending most of their time with friends after school, you have lost your ability to have the most influence on them. At that point, their friends begin to have more influence. You want as much influence when they're really little.

Right. But what if, because she probably has a teenager and maybe has not done all of these things that, you know, that we've done. Cause still I'm not sending Chloe to Florida for college. Well, Chloe doesn't want to go to Florida.

And I know she doesn't. She wants to stay as close to home as possible. But I wouldn't do it as a parent just because I, you know, people don't get this idea. Your brain is not finished developing until you're 25 for girls and more like 28 for boys. And so they need to be supervised until you're confident they can appropriately supervise themselves. And, you know, I'll probably get hate mail, but I believe this. Mental illnesses, serious mental illnesses like bipolar disorder and schizophrenia often happen during the first or second year of college. And it's the

stress of being away, not having the support and the supervision that is involved in triggering mental illnesses and the terrible food. You know, they call it the freshman 15 for a reason. And there's another topic, which we'll talk about another time, but the red zone, September and October are the red zone in colleges. That is the most dangerous time for young women going to college because they've never been away from home. They don't know how to take care of themselves. And it is the number one time that girls get

raped or abducted. Um, so there's a whole bunch of stuff that goes into that. But again, this is, um, I'm glad you addressed that for the person who wrote the question. Um, but there's a lot of people listening. So if you've got young kids or, um, young, um, adolescents, you need to start now teaching them about responsibility. And the number one thing you can do is don't rescue them from consequences. That's what I learned. I didn't rescue Chloe from consequences. If she left homework at home, it stayed at home. I didn't take it to school. She didn't bring her lunch. It takes 30 days for kids to starve to death. She would be fine until she got home. If it was cold and she forgot a sweater,

she had to sit in the classroom. And that was the most important thing I home. If it was cold and she forgot a sweater, she had to sit in the classroom. And that was the most important thing I did. And it was hard. I wanted to help her. I didn't want to do that. As a parent, we are hardwired to protect our kids. But that isn't protecting them because the world isn't that kind, right? So I wasn't protecting her by doing that. And what happened was that child literally did those things one time.

Never did it again. So because she didn't like it and that's how she learned to be responsible. So I sent an email to one of my patients yesterday and it said, every time you protect your son from the dad and the dad's completely appropriate. He's just firm. Every time you protect your son from the dad, you decrease your son's ability to be strong and manage the situation. It's emasculating. So we think we're doing it because we love them.

And what we're doing is we're actually making them incompetent. In fact, Chloe, people, actually several people have thought I was a little hard on Chloe from the standpoint that I have made her sort of fight her own battles early on. And she's going into, you know, she does acting and she does this thing. She's going into Hollywood. That's like the lion's den. So even situations where she's had to deal with her agent or her manager, I won't deal with all of it. Now, if it's something she can't do, I will, but I make her actually stand up and use her voice. And I will use those words. I'm like,

sweetheart, if you want this changed, use your voice. And I've been saying that to her since she was four. It's like not, and I'll tell her, use your words, but it's like, use your voice. You've got a strong voice. You need to use it. If you want the outcome that you want, stand up and make it happen because it's important. So what's the one thing you learned from this episode? We would love for you to post it on any of your social media sites and hashtag Brain Warriors Way podcast. Leave a review, ask a question. We're going to start including a time each week when we answer questions. You can do that at BrainWarriorswaypodcast.com. Thanks so much.

If you're enjoying the Brain Warriors Way podcast, please don't forget to subscribe so you'll always know when there's a new episode. And while you're at it, feel free to give us a review or five-star rating as that helps others find the podcast. If you're considering coming to Amen Clinics or trying some of the brain healthy supplements from BrainMD, you can use the code podcast10 to get a 10% discount on a full evaluation at amenclinics.com or a 10% discount on all supplements at brainmdhealth.com. For more information, give us a call at 855-978-1363.