Change Your Brain Every Day - Relationships: How to Choose Your Words Wisely

Episode Date: July 16, 2019

The language you use reflects how you see the world, but it can also affect how those in relationships see each other. Certain words you use to describe someone else or their behavior strongly affects your attitude towards them in the future. In this episode of The Brain Warrior’s Way Podcast, Dr. Daniel Amen and Tana Amen continue their discussion on the power of words by exploring the ways that language can shape the dynamics of a relationship.

Welcome to the Brain Warriors Way podcast. I'm Dr. Daniel Amen. And I'm Tana Amen. In our podcast, we provide you with the tools you need to become a warrior for the health of your brain and body. The Brain Warriors Way podcast is brought to you by Amen Clinics, where we have been transforming lives for 30 years using tools like brain spec imaging to personalize treatment to your brain. For more information, visit amenclinics.com. The Brain Warriors Way podcast is also brought to you by BrainMD, where we produce the highest quality nutraceuticals to support the health of your brain and body. To learn more, go to brainmd.com. Welcome back to the Brain Warriors Way podcast. We are talking about the power of language and the power of the words you use. The language you use

actually becomes your experience. It's the way you see the world. In this podcast, we're talking about how language affects your relationships. You know, I always say to my patients, there's ways to say things and there are ways to say things. So I clearly know that I could get you spun in a bad way by the words I use. Thank God you don't. Rarely. After, what, 13 and a half years, I know how to calm things down by the words I use with you. And I notice that when I notice what I like about you, which is thousands of things, I actually get more of the behavior I want than if, you know, for some reason I become psychotic. It's very rare. And get into a critical mindset. So you can shape the behavior of your partner with the words you use. So one thing I would like people to think about in this episode and post,

if you would, is what kind of language are you using that is not getting you the behavior that you want and how could you change it? So by the time we're done, stick with us, think about that and post it. You can tag us, Brain Warriors Way, hashtag Brain Warriors Way podcast. And you can go to, you know, either hashtag, you can either go to Tana Amon on Instagram or Daniel Amon, but let us know how this is going for you. We want to know what you've learned in this episode. So both of us have been married before and probably we were not as skilled at using the words.

When something upset me, I was very vocal about it. Well, you're still very vocal about it. You're just more skilled at it. Right. I'm vocal in a different way now. Yeah. Yeah. Let no one think you're a mouse. No. I don't think anyone thinks I'm a mouse. No, I actually, I remember consciously, it's funny. You made fun of me early on. That is one. Those are, those are words you use for me and it's okay. Cause we understand each other. But he likes to call me a black widow now and then. It's not that I was a black widow. It's that when we got together, I was very commitment phobic because of my divorce. It was a really rough divorce. I knew I didn't want to be married again until I had figured that piece out. I knew that I did not want to repeat that cycle. So the one thing that I could work on wasn't my ex. It was how I take myself into this relationship, how I learn from my past and how I can take responsibility

going forward. Responsibility is one of my favorite words. So until I figured that piece out, I did not want to go forward. No, and I was patient enough. You were. I let you do that and then- It's one of my favorite things about you. Started calling myself the widow tamer.

Yes, you did. So see those rewards. But it doesn't bother me because I knew what my goal was. I knew what reason I had for not doing that. But I loved that you were so patient with me. And when I reframed it, not as a rejection of me, but as a period of time you needed to figure things out in your own head. And we were friends during that time. You became my best friend.

So when I used the words in my head, it's not a rejection of me. You just needed more time. In fact, you became my best friend. And I fell in love with you. And then it worked. So the words I was telling myself, they really matter to perhaps the rest of your life. Right. Because if I would have used rejection language in my head, then I'd be torturing someone else, I suppose.

Well, and let's take it a step further. Because when people do that, let's just say you actually used verbally rejection language with me. What happens when you use that language with someone? What happens when you use certain language with people? They respond and like, right? So you may not have even meant that it may have just been because you were hurt or you were sad because you really wanted me in your life, but because you were hurt, you responded a certain way to me. And I in like responded a certain way to you when in fact, all I really wanted was time. So do you see what happens when you choose certain words? So I have a friend who, um, I was going through a very, very stressful, rough time with

her, one of her children. And I'm on the phone with her and she refers to her child as a witch with a B. Okay. And I'm like, Whoa, like I was stunned. And I'm like that, that's, we need to back up. Like, that's a word that I was, I was like a slap in the face to me to say that about a child. And I'm like, I hope you're not saying this to your child. And she's like, of course not. I'm like, then why are you saying it to yourself? She's like, cause I'm frustrated. I'm like, I understand that. But do you understand? And I said the same thing to her. Do you understand that by saying that, even if it's not to her, it becomes your experience of her. And now you're more likely to behave that way

with that anger and that frustration toward her. And it's not helpful. You're not going to be in a resourceful state of mind when you work with her. And she got it. She completely got it. Yeah. No, you just think of the labels. If you're sitting here listening to this, what labels did you get as a child or as a teenager? Because often you carry them for the rest of your life. So were you the black sheep in the family? Were you the- Brat.

Were you the maverick? I was the maverick in the family. I don't think that's a bad thing, though. I was the troublemaker. So it all depends on how you see it. But it's a separation word, right? You're separated from your group. That's kind of a badass word. It is a separation word, right? You're separated from your group. That's kind of a badass word.

It is a badass word. But it all depends on how you take it. And at the time, it's a separation word. And part of it's how your dad said it. And hell on earth is separation from your group. Because when you get separated from your group, you can die. And part of it's how your dad said it. You lose the protection of the group.

I mean, now I'm proud of it, right? I mean, I wouldn't actually want to be part of- Right, like everyone else. Everyone else, especially in my profession. And it's like, no, we need a different way. So one of the things I was pointing out to my friend was, are you choosing language that puts you in a resourceful state or are you choosing language that is disempowering? It's actually taking your power away, putting you in a, in a less resourceful state so that when you approach someone,

you can't come up with the right thing to say to get what you want in the end. And so the whole point of this week in Words Matter is we want you to begin to pay attention to the words you use and then choose more helpful words. And some of the words when it comes to relationships is, will my behavior get me what I want? I love when you do that, yeah. Will my behavior? Because we both have the same goal and we both have the same goal all the time. Right. Which is kind, caring, loving, supportive, passionate relationship. But we come from different backgrounds.

So sometimes how we respond to certain things is different. Right. No, if I just went with my automatic programming, because my dad could be really harsh to my mother. And if you do that with me? It will not get me a kind, caring, loving, supportive relationship. No, it'll get me a hostile female. And having five sisters, I know about hostile females.

Well, because my background was interesting. We'll just leave it at that. And so you sort of fought for, it was scrappy. You had to be scrappy to survive. And so. Right. So my automatic programming didn't help me. No, I knew that because I didn't like how we talked to survive. And so... Right. So my automatic programming didn't help me. No, I knew that because I didn't like how he talked to her. And I vowed to myself I wouldn't do that.

But I want you to just pay attention to the words you use and are they helping you or are they hurting you? And would you talk to your child that way? Yes. And some people do. And here's that. That's what I wanted to bring up. So one thing you really helped me with, because no one can frustrate you like your kids, especially teenagers or very young children, right? When they're throwing temper tantrums, they can frustrate you way more than anyone else on the planet can. So one thing you really helped me with is that when I was getting into that phase, you and love and logic, the two things that really saved my life. So love and logic really put the responsibility back on her and took it off of me.

And that was really helpful. But one thing you taught me is that when I start to lose my cool and I get into that phase where I'm about to say something that I know I'm going to regret, instead, come up with a word and then listen and then just ask a question. And that was super helpful to me, that active listening. Go interesting or huh or wow, like, but you got to practice it, right? So that you do it like all the time. So when they start acting like crazy, when she's throwing a temper tantrum, you go, well, that's really interesting. And then just be quiet or then ask a question, right? And then just be quiet. It's amazing how transformative it is. Okay. So we're talking about relationships. And I started by saying there are ways to say things

and there are ways to say things. So when you get frustrated with someone rather than blame, because blame is one of the biggest red ants on the planet. Not helpful. It's often helpful to say, I'm struggling with this. How can I help? So if you think of an example, if you're struggling with me. Well, you're easy for me. So it's got to be someone that's not that easy. For you, I can actually be rational because you are trained and you are thoughtful and you listen.

You know, I think maybe a better example is a teenager or someone in your family who is not so evolved. And I think when that happens, you know, you're the one that sort of helps me with that. And one thing, and this is something I had to actually work on, was to do the same thing I would do with a teenager. I actually go back to sort of love and logic and i will stop and go hmm that's really interesting you know and i'll just and i'll actually just be quiet for a minute and sometimes

i'll actually just be honest and go i'm struggling with this this i'm having a hard time what about What about the person who wants more affection from their partner? And it starts by asking, and then it might go to criticizing. Yeah, criticizing will not work. Which then makes all of that other person's muscles tight. So that isn't going to help. No. So blaming and shaming isn't going to help. Definitely not. So as a female, I think the thing that when I talk to women,

that my first thought is what would be the most helpful is to understand why you're not getting it. So sometimes it's because she's tired or it's because she, I mean, there's so many reasons that women are not going to be responsive with men. It's oftentimes because there's just so much going on in their head with business or whatever with women. It's often because they're tired or they start this story in their heads. Like he's not helping me enough because, and I'm tired and I've got this and I've got that and he's not paying attention. So the word she's using with herself. Right.

And so sometimes if you approach it, I think, and you just say, you know, my goal is to be really close to you. You know, how can I do that? You might hear, well, you could vacuum. But the point is it opens up, you know, dialogue. Are you saying vacuuming is foreplay? Oh, yes. And well, you do one of the best forms of foreplay that I know of, and that is cooking and doing dishes. So that's just like amazing. But yeah, it's really helpful. When I learned that Jeff Bezos and Bill Gates every night do the dishes. That's why you started doing it?

Really? I thought you were doing it for me. It was like, oh, you can do this. No, it is for us. You should have left it at foreplay. You should have just. You can do this. Okay. No, it is for us. You should have left it at foreplay. You should have just left it there. It was, you know, I can do this. Because I got to tell you, it works.

So one of the things I help my patients with is when they're struggling with intimacy is stay away from blame stay away from shame because i'm gonna get you anything it's bring it up as a problem to solve which is i'm feeling um disconnected and and right away she goes all you want me for is sex, which is the words you use damage the relationship. And if there's not enough sex, then one person, if the desire is unbalanced, it can really cause a lot of stress and tension in a relationship. So you've got to get the words right. And then you bring it up as a problem and then go, how can we solve this together? Right. And then listen, that's the most important part.

Listen, and a lot of couples blow apart in their 40s. And the reason they do is hormones are changing at a different rate where testosterone demand still might be pretty high where the testosterone of the women has dropped dramatically as well as the progesterone but if you see it as a problem to solve rather than she's cold um or withholding those words can damage well this this is actually i've actually had this conversation with girls talk about this stuff. So I've had this conversation with friends. And one thing that I know that I've heard come up in conversation is she's like, you know, I just don't feel like it, you know? And one of them said, well, my husband said, well, you're only doing this for me. So what's the point? And my

reaction to that is, okay, so yes, I'm doing it. Yes. I yes the sex might be more for you but the intimacy is for us it's an investment in us why is this a problem if I'm investing in the intimacy because I care about our marriage because I want to keep our marriage strong because the guy wants to feel like a stud yes but

again the words he's using with himself set him up for an affair. Right. But if she starts using language like, actually, I'm investing in this because I love us, because I care about our relationship. She may not be feeling the same physical things that he is. She might get into it over time. But if she just goes,

yeah, you're right, but it's my obligation, then that's different than if she says, if she says, I'm investing in our intimacy, right? That's not a turn on. I'm investing in our relationship. I'm keeping us strong. Think about the words you use with your partner. All right. So in this podcast, what's the one thing you got about how words matter in your relationships? What is the one thing you can do differently? Post that on any of your social media sites. Use our hashtag, Brain Warriors Way Podcast. If you have questions or you want to give us a review, we love those at brainwarriorswaypodcast.com. If you're enjoying the Brain Warriors Way podcast,

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