Change Your Brain Every Day - Sex on the Brain: Communication is Lubrication – Part 2 of an Interview with Dr. Emily Morse

Episode Date: April 11, 2017

Dr. Daniel Amen and Tana talk with Dr. Emily Morse about the common intimacy problems that can occur with long term couples. In this episode of The Brain Warrior’s Way Podcast, learn ways to avoid these relationship issues and keep the “novelty of the new” in your sex life.

The Brain Warriors Way podcast is brought to you by Amen Clinics. Amen Clinics represents a true paradigm shift in mental health, utilizing SPECT imaging technology for assessing brain function. Amen Clinics focuses on personalized treatment plans and has an 85% proven outcome rate for patients. For more information, visit amenclinics.com or call at 1-888-288-9834. Hi, I'm Donnie Osmond and welcome to the Brain Warriors Way hosted by my friends Daniel and Tana Amon. Now in this podcast, you're going to learn that the war for your health

is one between your ears. That's right. If you're ready to be sharper and have better memory, mood, energy, and focus, well then stay with us. Here are Daniel and Tana Amen. Welcome back to the Brain Warriors Way podcast. We are grateful that Dr. Emily Morse is here with us. She is the host of the wildly successful Sex with Emily podcast. She's helped millions of couples. She's been on Bravo. She works with our friend, Dr. Drew Pinsky. She's done so many awesome things. And we are grateful that you are playing with us today. And we're going to talk about common problems

that people have in their sex lives. And as I think about it, it's interest. So at some point we need to talk about hormones. It's erections, which are more problematic now than ever in history because people are diabetic they're obese they're not taking care of the vasculature in their body and it's orgasm so if if we just sort of you know we can go off in any direction but but let's start with low interest i'm i don't care i'm not interested we hear that a lot especially from women my age. Especially for women in their 50s and 60s. It's like, I'm just done. Let's be clear. I'm not in my 50s yet, but I'm getting close. I'm very, very close.

So women who lose interest in it is because, you know, I mean, there's a lot of reasons why people are not, you know, they're not interested in sex, but typically it's because like, it's not top of mind. I mean, it's interesting because stimulation, we often think of it as being physical, but it can lead, sometimes we have to start with our brains, right? So we can't become, a lot of women can't become spontaneous but spontaneously aroused like men um and so we kind of need something to help trigger that like psychological arousal response so there was an interesting um study by like there's something called the fiera right and it was for women who are don't get aroused but it's this it's a little it's a

device that you like but it's it's kind of like a vibrator but it's not to get you to bring you to orgasm but it just kind of you you you put on your clitoris and then use it for arousal for like 10-15 minutes like a day and you start to realize that you start to get that response and the blood becomes more on board you get more down there and then you're like then your brain like will follow when your body's on board because our brain doesn't typically it just doesn't work like that for women there's no interest because um yeah so i'm just saying that it's like sometimes we have to do other things and i also think that for women who pelvic floor so i think like women we become very disconnected from our bodies right and we're not interested because it's almost like it's a dead zone down there so if we're not breathing into that area we're not doing our Kegel exercises, which

are so important. Like I cannot, I have an iPhone app called Kegel Camp that every day you can set in a reminder. It's like time for Kegel Camp and you do it like 10 minutes a day, five minutes a day. Even there's so many reasons why your pelvic floor, you know, to strengthen it, it has to freeze over time. You know this, but even just paying attention to it and the awareness of oh that's part of my body it's not just like this thing out there and i should be ready for sex it will awaken you will be awakened you'll

be more in touch with it you breathe through it and even also the stronger pectoral muscles you have i feel like i mean for everyone who does it you're going to want sex more often you're going to want it more frequently sex Sex is going to feel better. You're going to have more orgasms. But they're not interesting. Again, talk about negative messaging. It's a messaging thing. I don't want sex.

I don't want sex. I don't want sex. Sex is bad. And it becomes stressful. It becomes another item on our to-do list. There's a lot going on in our minds, and it kind of seems like the last thing. But for so many women that I talk to, when they do sex more frequently with their partner, like, oh, I forget.

Every time, it's like going to the gym, right? The hardest part is often just getting our shoes on and getting out the door. And then once we get there, no one ever goes to the gym and says, God, why am I running the treadmill for 30 minutes, right? Like, I feel so much better. And to get women to connect to that,

like, I know that I'm going to feel better. Even if you have to play a mind trick with yourself, I might not be ready for sex right now, but if I do know that i'm going to feel better even if you have to play a mind trick with yourself i might not be ready for sex right now but if i do it i'm going to feel better i'm going to feel more connected to my partner and you know let me interrupt you because you you triggered something really important um so if if a woman is not interested, but she uses this device a couple of minutes a day, 10 or 15 minutes a day, what she could actually be doing is stimulating neuroplasticity in her brain. And so I was just thinking, if someone's lost their sense of smell by actually working it, by getting different scents and first really powerful and then less powerful and so on, but working it so many times a day, they can actually begin to get their sense of smell back because we know the brain, if properly stimulated, can create new connections and new neurons. And so there is neuroplasticity

also associated with the brain and its feelings around sexuality. There's another point you made that I think is really interesting. There's a saying, if you change the way you see things, what you see changes. And so when you said it becomes another item on your to-do list, I don't want to gloss over that because if you think of sex as a to-do and it's on your to-do list, as opposed to making it one of your values for intimacy, how you improve intimacy, if you think of it as, oh, this is part of my, if I want to have an amazing relationship, if family is one of my top values, that is one of the ways that I improve the intimacy and the love and the bonding in my

life. That's very different than going, this is a to-do list for me. Exactly. It's the prioritization of it. It's saying like, this is important because if I don't pay attention to my sex life and to the connection with my partner, like everything else is going into my life is going to suffer. Right. Cause I understand that.

Yeah. Because we're not interested in it. So we think everything else matters. So when I was getting married, my mom said something really kind of crude that sort of states what I'm saying now, but in a different way, I'd like to,

but it was funny and it actually stuck with me. I was getting married and she said, if you don't take care of your husband, someone else will. And I went, ouch. So what she was really trying to say was, this is important. You need to watch the intimacy in your marriage because it matters to him. So, you know, I thought that that was kind of a, you know, it was like, okay, I'm not

sure I would say that to my daughter, but at the same time, what she was really saying is make it a priority, Make it a bonding thing. Make it something that you actually pay attention to as opposed to just something you have to do. And then ask for what you need so that you're an equal partner. So you're not just doing it for him because then it becomes part of the to-do list to stay married. How can it become joyful connection and you know the research in fact emily you should talk about the research on the benefits of sex uh they're awesome there's so many help that for first of all another one kill of our stress

of our sex drive is stress right we're super stressed you know especially maybe more now never and more distracted. The benefits are, you know, less stress. It can help with menstrual cramps. It can help with depression. I mean, there's skin. Orgasms are healthy. Orgasms are good for you. Like it releases oxytocin, you know, serotonin. All the feel-good hormones are so important, you know, and also helps us connect to our partner. I mean, there's so many benefits to sex, but we're not told about these benefits. We're not told about prioritizing sex.

We're not told about what's going to happen if we don't have sex. It just becomes this huge mess of a problem. And so I think the way to look at it, instead of saying another way, instead of your to-do list, it's like, wow, how can we, like, you know, when we're saying our vows, you know, like you should be talking about all these things, not just are we going to live in the city or country? Are we going to, you know, what religion are we going to? It's like, how can we keep our sex life interesting? What can we do to continue to grow?

Because sex should be expansive. You should constantly be working on it. And I hate even to use the term work, but, like, sex is fun. Like, I always just, at the end of it, sometimes I sometimes i'm like you guys sex is supposed to be fun it feels really good it can you know to improve our mood improve our connections so and how you do that is you know by trying different things novelty right the reason why we're so interested in new partners because everything's new and exciting and unknown and kind of dangerous but after a while you're like oh been there been there, done that.

But if you can find ways, you know, new erogenous zones, I mean, typically like foreplay, right? Kissing. Kissing is the first thing that goes in long-term relationships, right? One of the first things that goes. But we're like, we know how to kiss. We're like, let's get it over with. But the more we continue to focus on fantasy, arousal, all that stuff, you know, the better sex you're going to have.

Getting toys, your brain, talking about things, the words. Like, let's create scenarios in our head. Let's go to a sex toy store. Let's try even trying a new position. Right. It must seem just simple, like a cosmolar. But like, why not? I mean, we do have so many erogenous zones that typically we just focus on like two of them.

When like, what if you found out like the back, you know, the back of your knee or your inner arm, like your wrist here could like give you orgasms. You're like, I didn't know that. Well, how amazing, right? Touch, look at you guys. I told you, you know this. Right.

Well, except one day he walks up and he's like, you know, if you don't give me sex three times a week, I could sue you for attempted murder. I'm like, you know, if you don't give me sex three times a week, I could sue you for attempted murder. I'm like, what? Right. There's a study out of England on 10,000 men. And if they had sex three times a week, it decreased their risk of heart attack and stroke by 50%. And so if she doesn't, you know, fool around with with me i could sue her for attempted murder but i say when i lecture about it if you don't if a guy doesn't please his wife because frequency is not associated with longevity for women it is for men what's what's associated with longevity for women is how much they like it and so so if you don't please her, she could sue you back.

Yes, she should. Right. That men were saying that they feel much happier, much more like, you know, much, much more successful, much more like, much more masculine when they are giving their partner or when they're learning how to please their partner. I would say women are typically responsible for their own orgasms in the sense of a lot of women don't even know what they like or what makes them feel good.

So again, that goes back to the communication as a lubrication and figure out what feels, I mean, it is the woman's responsibility to know what feels good and how to explain it to a partner. Couples can also explore together. But yes, it's important to connect. Female pleasure is important. Now, there is the orgasm gap, right? When men can take six to eight minutes to orgasm,

women take anywhere from 20 to 40 minutes, right? So what do we do there? We go back to foreplay. We go back to exploring together. We go back to finding new things that feel good, using touch, sensation, toys, whatever it is. Because for penetrative sex, for most women, they don't have orgasms.

Only 30% of women actually have orgasms from intercourse alone. And if those 30%, not every single time. So when you brought up something really important about, you both have, about women enjoying it, and you mentioned some of the problems associated with sex. One thing, and we should talk about this

in depth at some point the problems associated with sex. One thing, and we should talk about this, you know, in depth at some point in one of our podcasts, a lot of women have experienced trauma, and I mean a lot around sex, me included, but I've taken the time to deal with it. So I think dealing with past trauma is critical because it can ruin your relationships. So that's one thing we need to delve into at some point.

Untreated trauma, I mean, it really, I mean, when you have a guy in your relationship and you have to get into therapy, it's not, you know, repressing it, suppressing it is not going to help anyone. Right. You absolutely have to get therapy and work on it because it will. There's a specific type of therapy I really like called EMDR. I love it. Eye movement desensitization and repress.

And it's common. So if you're not interested, if it's painful for you, if it triggers anxiety, fear, panic, it's something like 40% of women have been molested, assaulted, have had sexual trauma now it doesn't stick with with everyone and you know people can some people can separate it but other people can't especially if it's early uh sexual trauma uh so it's really an important issue to deal with because it can bring space between you or prevent you from ever having a close relationship right i think this is so important because i hope this

will trigger a lot for people for women listening who think so they think they've already dealt with it it was a long time ago it really doesn't have any impact on who i am today and that's just not true when we talk about our brains we talk about these memories and what's happened to our bodies, we won't be able to have healthy relationships unless, and EMDR has been proven so successful for so many women. I've used it and I love it. Yeah, I have too. Oh, so helpful.

I love this conversation. Before we go, we'll move erections to the next podcast. So coming up soon. Let's talk about low orgasm. So we'll move erections to the next podcast. Why not? So coming up soon. Let's talk about low orgasm, especially in women. What are some of the things you found to be really helpful besides communication? Communication is just so important. It's like, you know, and guys who are listening, it's like, ask her what she likes and pay attention.

Write it down. And if you forget, ask her again. Because, you know, I always say, women will say something once. And then in their head, they will think they have said it 8,000 times. And guys aren't paying attention. Guys have ADD five times more than women. And, and so it's okay to have the same conversation over and over until you really get it. Uh, so you don't need to be frustrated around it. If you just have this open dialogue

that, Hey, it's okay that we tell each other repeatedly. Communication is lubrication. I like that. But what's your experience in helping people with low or no orgasm issues? Inability to orgasm. Well, I think that, yes, there's so many things you just said that I'm like, I want to go off about. For women, it's really, first of all, understanding your own body, like taking that time to masturbate. Even when you're in a relationship or you're out of a relationship, I think that we just don't, we expect our partners to know, no matter what age you're, especially as young women.

I always say, I think that women think someday my prince will come and so will I. You know, ride up on this white horse and he'll just oh i'll know everything right because he knows me no that's not true and for so many women it's gonna take some time figure out your body set them you know really like turn off your cell phone go in your watch porn read erotica there's nothing wrong that if our brain is the largest sex organ we have to feed it fantasies um again like reading erotica watching there's a reason why 50 shades of gray love it or hate it has done so much for for for the bedrooms of you know so many women for the sex lives of so many couples because it fed that part of the brain that might have been just like

dorm like oh wow this is possible we don't need a christian grave we don't need our partners to have like a dungeon but we do want the novelty and something new and exciting. And so for women, it's really just figuring out what turns you want and experimenting with different touch. Lubrication, I mean, okay, so communication is lubrication, but lubrication is lubrication. I cannot tell you, like, one of my dreams, I have a lot of, is a lube on every nightstand. Like lubricant is so underrated because a lot of times we associate if a woman is aroused, she will naturally lubricate. But that's actually not true. Different times a month, you're more lubricated. It doesn't matter.

But just get it. I love System Jolube. They have a natural love line. Put it on your nightstand. Use it every time you have sex. That helps with orgasm. When you're masturbating, in fact, there was a study by Indiana University, 70% of women, like, there were more likely, for women, 70% were more likely to orgasm when they used a few drops on your clitoris.

Your clitoris does not self-lubricate on its own at all. So use a few drops. Use touch, gentle touch all over your body. Just, like, figure out what makes you feel good so you can let your partner know so say the name again of the lubrication joe you can go to my website or it's joe j o sex with emily.com i have a store on there and they have a bunch of different kinds of lube and i think that every time you have sex couples should use it and we also know as you get older you need it more often but even when you're younger like i had a you know i get hundreds of emails a day from a young girl who

said i don't want it hurts the condom hurts i don't want to have sex i just want to be over with and they just don't know like lube is like there's like this stigma with lube like oh my because for men i think they think well i'm not turning around i'm doing something wrong there's a problem you know we better bring the lube out from under the bed say no it actually will help you a few drops and it can change everything truly it can increase your ability because we just need that male ego brought up the male ego so for the men who are listening it's not just about you um and it's this communication issue is so important in my office with with couples because she's like oh he won't do that he'll feel demeaned he'll feel belittled and I'm like you need to go watch

Beauty and the Beast so I just saw the new movie it's phenomenal but Belle she's awesome she doesn't let anybody abuse her and you know clear communication and she's a. She doesn't let anybody abuse her and, you know, clear communication. And she's a sassy little thing. She's a sassy little thing. I like her. Um, yeah,

I mean, I mean, yeah. Communication, lubrication, fantasy. So important. Cause your brain, your brain actually doesn't know the difference between what you imagine and what's

real. So the same parts of the brain are lighting up if you imagine it. And so working it, right? You have to develop a skill, like you develop a skill of playing the guitar or writing a book, or you want to develop this skill because your life will be better and your relationships will be better absolutely and for a lot of women like well i don't have any fantasies i've never even thought about anything sexy and it is it is a skill so i just say start with like you're you're you're the last time you were really turned on or last time you were the partner you felt really last time you were with a partner and you felt really good, maybe you were on vacation somewhere or he was kissing your neck.

Just think about that one moment. Like think about something that's happened in the past. Just think about that. It doesn't have to be some elaborate, you know, fantasy. It can just be like something that actually happened in your life and then build on that. Or even if it's just that one thing you go to, it's practice and you build on it.

And it's okay to have to think those thoughts even when you're with your partner. Because again, when your brain gets on board, typically your body will follow with arousal, especially for women. And fun secret for people, nobody knows this, is kiss the right side of her neck. But isn't that only if she's right-handed?

If she's right-handed. But it actually works for about 90% of people or him because it'll activate the left side of their brain. And the left side is the happy, motivated side where if you're kissing the left side of their neck, it'll actually trigger or stimulate the right side of their brain, which is the more anxious side of their brain. Now, do a study.

And I always think this is part of the fun, part of the play, is do something and then pay attention to how it works for you. But using the hemisphere specialization, I always think is a really fun part of sex. I think that's fascinating. I always just say, kiss my neck.

Like, why don't you kiss my neck? What is the problem with that? Why are we stopping kissing when, right, for sex, right for penetrative sex? So I think that also the more foreplay you have, kissing arousal, kissing neck. Yeah, especially for women. Yeah, like you said we're slow cookers and women just don't don't get warmed up that fast so unless i take you to the range right that's we have to stop but we are going to be back uh sex with emily uh with dr

emily morse you should uh go to her website sexwithemily.com, listen to her podcast, Sex with Emily. This is an important part of your life to optimize and have skill with. Stay with us. We're at the Brain Warriors Way podcast. Thanks for listening to today's show, the Brain Warriors Way. Why don't you head over to brainwarriorswaypodcast.com. That's brainwarriorswaypodcast.com where Daniel and Tana have a gift for you just for subscribing to the show. And when you post your review on iTunes, you'll be entered into a drawing

where you can win a VIP visit to one of the Amen Clinics. I'm Donnie Osmond, and I invite you to step up your brain game by joining us in the next episode.