Change Your Brain Every Day - Should You Model Your Behavior After Other People? With Alize Castellanos

Episode Date: August 7, 2019

When striving to make improvements in our lives, we tend to look to others for inspiration. But is this a good thing or a bad thing? In the third episode of a series with Change Your Brain, Change Your Grades co-author Alize Castellanos, Dr. Daniel Amen and Tana Amen reveal how modelling behavior from other people can have either positive or negative influence on your life. Alize helps to explain how role models have changed her life.

Welcome to the Brain Warriors Way podcast. I'm Dr. Daniel Amen. And I'm Tana Amen. In our podcast, we provide you with the tools you need to become a warrior for the health of your brain and body. The Brain Warriors Way podcast is brought to you by Amen Clinics, where we have been transforming lives for 30 years using tools like brain spec imaging to personalize treatment to your brain. For more information, visit amenclinics.com. The Brain Warriors Way podcast is also brought to you by BrainMD, where we produce the highest quality nutraceuticals to support the health of your brain and body. To learn more, go to brainmd.com. Welcome back. We're talking about change your brain, change your grades with the co-author Alize Castellanos. We are so happy that you are in

our lives and that you helped me with this book. And it's so joyful for me because I realized when I wrote the first version of it, it was 1982 and the internet had not been. Not sort of a big deal. When I was a young psychiatrist, I think the first thing I learned is my patients who were successful, because I was an army trained psychiatrist, I mean, I'd seen generals and congressmen and people from the White House, because I trained at Walter Reed, which was a really cool place.

And the people who are successful versus those who weren't had this one little phrase. The ones who weren't would say, it's not my fault. And they blamed other people for how their life turned out. So true. In one of my earliest books called The Sabotage Factor, I've wrote about all the ways we mess ourselves up from getting what we want. And number one is blaming other people for how your life turns out. Now, you could blame all sorts of people for how your life has turned out. Well, especially because kids are actually victims. Until you are able to take responsibility, that's what frustrates me is that I get frustrated

when children are hurt because they don't have a choice. And I actually, that makes me super angry. But staying in that victim place- And that's what we wanted to help empower you with. Is the kiss of death. Right. victim place and that's what we wanted to help empower you is the kiss of death because whenever you say it's someone else's fault you're a victim and you can't change anything and one of the things i love about you is even though clearly you were a victim right uh the behavior you couldn't

change foster of your mom and dad and the system, you still did well in school. You still took the things you could do. Yes. And you excelled. Focus on what you can do, not on what you can't. Definitely, definitely. Because dwelling in that place, it just does you no good. And when you look at it, it's like, I don't want to live that way, that kind of victim mentality.

Like, I know that Tana, she does not like victims. We know this. Tana does not like it. And Tana has had the opportunities in her life to be a victim, but she's chosen the exact opposite. She's always chosen the exact opposite. And I guess, like, at this time, like now, of course, I definitely take that example. But before, I kind of still had that mentality of, like, I assume responsibility for myself. Like if nobody else is going to step up to bat for me, then I'm going to assume responsibility for my success. And the difference between me and somebody else who would be in a similar situation and go south is that I see the pattern and I see that I don't want to do that. And that I don't,

do I like the way that when I was in this place, do I like the way I'm living right now? No. So what am I going to do to get myself out of this situation? And I've kind of had that mentality where it's like I'm on a mission to do better, to be better than that. And so, yeah. And it wasn't easy. I mean, there were times where you were sad, you were depressed, you were scared. But you still focused on what you could do.

Yeah. And how to make it better. And that's what you can it better and learning to reach out is so important that was a hard one for a while that was definitely a hard one for a while yes but you figure out who you trust who you can't trust

you said something earlier that I just wanted to comment it's like you didn't know why they were doing this and I treat a number of young stars, and trust is such a huge issue. And a long time ago, I came to believe that everyone really is out for themselves. But the more sophisticated they are, the harder it is to tell. You just need to make sure your goals are aligned,

right? So if people are out for themselves, I totally, when I went to your graduation and you were the graduation speaker, that made me so happy, right? So helping you has made me happy. Now, I'm doing it, I think, for the right reasons because I don't want you or your sister to repeat the insane pattern of the past. But I get something out of that, right? I mean, I get joy. I get happiness. I get purpose. I get motivation. And I don't feel bad about that at all. You just want to make sure your goals are aligned with the other person. Like one of my young stars said, my manager controls me. And I looked at him, I'm like, absolutely.

Just like a jockey would control a triple crown winning horse that without being controlled, you'd never win the race. Right? So it's getting your mind around, does my friends, does my team, do we have the same goal? And if we do, well, that's the reason you're in it. And one thing about that, the friends, are my friends, do we have the same goals? It's like, how do you expect to live a different life if your friends are still living that life? Like, how do you expect to be successful and to break the pattern if your friends are still in that place? People are contagious. People are so contagious.

And I've learned a valuable lesson about this. And Daniel has taught me this. We talk about it a lot, how surround yourself with people you want to be like. And that's just the question. It's like aligning your goals and finding your people and surrounding yourself with that support and those kinds of people. And now I feel like I have friends that are completely supportive and they just, they, and they all want, they all want to, they're kind of going the same way.

And that was hard because you were the new kid, right? And the new kid often finds, they often gravitate toward troubled, lonely kids because they're the ones that want to soak up new friends because they're lonely. Yeah. Right? But they may not be the best influence for you. You become like the people you hang out with. So whoever you want to be like, you find those. One of the things when we were talking about reaching out and you were saying it was really

hard and whatever, now one thing I've noticed is you even reach out. You've got some teachers you're really close to. And so speaking about this book, it's really important. I met one of those teachers at your eighth grade promotion. And you were the speaker. And we were so proud of you. But you introduced us to a teacher who's been really influential in your success. And because you have learned to kill some of those ants, because you have learned

to reach out and trust some of, some of these teachers, that's been an important part of your journey. So knowing which teachers to reach out to might be important, but, but it is important to reach out to them because they can be very helpful and instrumental. I remember I had several teachers that were instrumental in my journey. And so it's a really important thing to do and to know. Definitely. And it's a skill. Yes. So you've had many mentors over the years.

Yes. And we actually got to scan one of them when Tony Robbins came to the clinic. Yeah, I was so excited. That was really fun. But they have played really important roles for you. What advice would you give to the people listening and to Alize about developing mentor relationships? So it's interesting because I came from a hard background too

and definitely not money. So, yeah, the opposite of money. So I was pretty poor growing up. So one thing I learned was that when I didn't have access to people like that, um, that one thing I learned early on was that I didn't have to know them for them to be my mentors. Okay. I just followed them. I copied people. I just started copying people and following people. And eventually when I had an opportunity to meet people, because eventually when you make an effort, like you did with your teacher, when you make that effort,

people will want to help you. People, people have good people have an innate desire to help people, right? That teacher wanted to help you. So eventually that will happen, but it starts with you. It's got to, that's responsibility, the ability to respond, right? So for me, I started off by just copying people and eventually I would ask for help and I would find that person who was, I'd model myself after the people I thought that I wanted to be most like and I'd model their lives. And eventually I'd find the people who were willing to help. So just because you don't have access, don't feel sorry for yourself. Just copy someone. Just, you know, watch them, model them until you do. But what do you do in the internet age when you don't know if what people are posting is real?

So there's a lot of talk in the mental health community that one of the reasons why depression has gone up so much is people really post these fake lives. Well, of course they do. And by comparison, your life sucks. And so then you have low self-esteem. Of course they do. So it's your responsibility to know that, number one. No one's going to post how sucky their life is.

You just have to know that. There are a lot of people that do that. Yeah, but generally they're not. They're cutter groups. Generally they're do that. Yeah, but generally they're not. They're cutter groups. Generally they're not. Yeah, there is. Most people who are someone that's someone worth following, they're people who have overcome.

And if they've overcome, that means they're telling you the challenge they had. They're telling you how they overcame it. They're telling you how they got to where they're going. It's not all roses and sunshine. So I think you look at the people in your life, the real ones, and you go, who do I want to be? Right. And you model it. Right. And if you want to go to prison, hang out with prisoners. Exactly. It's not that hard. It's not that hard.

Even eating in restaurants, I wouldn't know what to do. Like I didn't know etiquette. So I just started watching people. I mean, that's in a sense is just finding someone to do. Like I didn't know etiquette. So I just started watching people. I mean, that's in a sense is, is just finding someone to model. You just, I would watch what fork they used, how they use their napkin. You can do this. You just have to find the right people to model. You actually learned really well. When we come back, we're going to have Alizé talk about some of the really practical tips that have got her these amazing grades and awards that you can use, whether it's in school or work or any time that you learn. We all should be lifelong learners. We're giving away a copy of Change Your Brain, Change Your Grades.

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