Change Your Brain Every Day - The Amens’ Strategies for Overcoming Conflict in Relationships

Episode Date: April 3, 2019

In this episode of the podcast, Dr. Amen and Tana are once again joined by Natalie Buchoz for a continuation on the topic of love. The Amens reveal the choices they make when difficult situations arise, such as analyzing behavior honestly, recognizing obsessive tendencies, and other tactics to overcome conflict and build up the relationship stronger than ever.

Welcome to the Brain Warriors Way podcast. I'm Dr. Daniel Amen. And I'm Tana Amen. In our podcast, we provide you with the tools you need to become a warrior for the health of your brain and body. The Brain Warriors Way podcast is brought to you by Amen Clinics, where we have been transforming lives for 30 years using tools like brain spec imaging to personalize treatment to your brain. For more information, visit amenclinics.com. The Brain Warriors Way podcast is also brought to you by BrainMD, where we produce the highest quality nutraceuticals to support the health of your brain and body. To learn more, go to brainmd.com. Welcome back. We're having so much fun. I love this. We are. And we love Natalie. Natalie has been such an important part of our lives and our mission.

And can I tell them a little bit about what happened oh yeah i was waiting for it when natalie was 15 so even you can just tell she's beautiful she's smart uh she's passionate and when natalie was 15 she was skiing and just had a freak accident which ended up breaking her neck and causing her to be paralyzed from the neck down. And the doctor basically said she wasn't going to walk again. And she doesn't listen to authority. It's one of the things I've learned. And her mindset was, I will show you. So when I met Natalie, I'm the one that hired her. I'm going to take credit for that.

I knew I had to hire her because she's such a firecracker. But when I heard the story, I saw pictures of her at 15. She could not move or feel from the neck down. Yes. And you were such a cute little nugget. Oh, yeah. With my braces and everything. You were just so cute.

Help me. She looks so sweet. And then I saw the next picture of you was you walking and it was more current. And I'm like, I have to hire, I have to hire this person because you just are so intense and you are so driven and you refuse to let the accident or a chair or any person define you. Yeah. And I just love that. Yeah. You know, it's been a, it's been a really long, crazy journey. And I think one of the most important things that I've learned is that, you know, I've learned a lot from you too, but I think for me, one of the things that I've always held with me is that there is no person, there is no entity, nobody that can tell

me what I'm capable of. Um, and if I have a neuroscientist that has 30, 40 years of medical experience, um, telling me something, they don't know me. They don't know my drive. They don't know my attitude. They don't know my motivation and they don't know what I'm capable of. And I've held that with me, you know, through high school, through college and through my career. And it's, you know, it's gotten me here. But what I like is that you use that attitude only to accomplish more. Not, not, you know, it's not like you're saying they don't know me and I can't accomplish that. It's always, I can do better. I can do more than what you think I can.

Oh, for sure. Yeah. And, you know, it's, it's, it's something that has been built over a long period of time. And that's why I love when Tana talks about mindset and how important it is to continually tell yourself, um, you know, whether it's what you want to do, you know, I'm good enough to do this or I'm good enough to do, to do this and to keep practicing. Um, you also have to do that same kick-ass mom. I haven't been saying kick-ass family, all family, but yes, my mom is kick-ass. But you've seen how our work really not only benefits you, but it benefits your sister. My dad.

We did a whole story on that on social media, on your father. Yep. And my boyfriend. When you begin to fall in love with your brain, it just affects everybody that you do. And I think one of the reasons you and I get along as well as we do is we have similar health values. Right. And the health values are so important. And I think it's important too, because as a couple, you're able to hold each

other accountable. We talk a lot about goals here and, you know, support and accountability and, you know, what are, and, and being really clear and concise about like, what does Tana want for herself? And if Tana wants X, Y, Z, then how is Daniel as a partner, as a husband, as a friend going to help her get there? And how is he going to help continually push her and motivate her? I think that's so important. And you guys do that so well together. Well, and it wasn't always that way. When we first did the brain warriors way, we were sort of fighting with each other a lot on who who was going to say well not like about everything it was more about we didn't know how to work well together yeah no it wasn't it wasn't

what it could be no and then we switched yeah because we go okay what's the goal and my goal is always to build her up yeah and her goal is the same for me. Yeah. And so, you know, at the podcast, we actually have signals, right? If I'm talking too much, she'll put her hand on my leg, which means wrap it up, dude. No, it means I want to make a point before you shift, right? So it's like, let me make a point before we move on. And so we've got, we're able to do that now, which is good.

Yeah. And so if you see it as a problem to solve, rather than you call each other names, which so many people do. Right. And, you know, when I was younger, I could have been so much better in relationships. So I think, you know, talking about some of the difficult parts of relationships, what do you two do as a couple when you have difficult moments when you don't agree on things i think that's important to address you because we've talked a lot about what you guys like about each other right and how you work together as a

couple but how do you work together as a couple when things are difficult whether tana does something that you don't like or vice versa or you don't see eye to eye on something yeah tana um so if it's something small, it's really not a big deal, but let's just talk about occasionally when we really butt heads. Um, so for me, I just, here's my, here's what I do. Um, I will walk away cause I don't want to fight. So I will walk away. Takes me about 20 minutes. This is my process. It takes me about 20 minutes. And during that time, I'm not sitting there like revving minutes and during that time i'm not sitting there like revving up more right during that time it's like what you know is this worth it

like does this have eternal value what is it i really want right and then after the 20 minutes i don't want to fight and it usually i've noticed it takes him about the same amount of time neither one of us hold on to stuff right so it So it's like we come back together, we talk about it, or we just let it go. Right. But either way, we both let it go. Yeah. And that's it. Because we don't want to go on.

Now, if it's something we need to solve, then we talk about it then. Right. But not when we're heated. Right. So my process is to walk away. And we don't get heated. I mean, it's just very rare. Yeah.

And we're also really good at saying sorry. Yeah. That's so important. Because sometimes I'll say things that are just completely inappropriate. And, and, and it's interesting because sometimes she'll laugh and other times she'll be offended.

Now, to me, it's very clear when it's appropriate and when it's not, but to him, it's not right. So, you know, I actually think it has to do with. It doesn't. Hormones.

Yeah, no. Don't ever say that out loud. Don't ever say it out loud. But one of the things we're really good at is reflecting on our own behavior. Because, you know, as a psychiatrist, when I was a young psychiatrist, I thought it took two to make a relationship work. Yeah. And then I realized it totally doesn't take two. It takes one.

Right. I mean, most people are together because there's a foundation of love. And if I can be the one that models forgiveness and kindness, then I'm much more likely to get that than if I hold onto a hurt and I feel, well, I'm entitled to hold onto this hurt because you are X, Y, or Z. And all that gets me is more hurt. Now let me know how that works out for you. Right. I see married someone like this. It's like, let me know how that works out for you right but so so i could engage this redheaded difficult person right i'm not a difficult person i totally know how oh i could be yeah i could in less than 20 seconds yeah i can get her to scream he can't we don't want that but i know how well I know how not to do that.

There's four words I would use. I'm not going to say them out loud. Thank you. Actually, it's three with a hyphen. But is there anything that you guys would recommend to people that do buttheads a lot? I mean, maybe it's a relationship question or maybe it's something that they can kind of start working on. Like you said, Daniel used to think it, it made two people to make a relationship, but really it's only one. Is there anything that you would recommend? There are some people that that doesn't work with what we just talked about. Yeah.

There are just some people it doesn't work with that need, they need help like medical help. I'm sorry. Well, we haven't talked about the brain really in all of this, that if your brain's obsessive, that it's very hard in relationships because you have to do everything perfectly or the other person's upset. And that's so stressful. You're walking on eggshells all the time.

If they've had a head injury, and there's two million new head injuries every year, they can be unpredictable. They're doing drugs. Impulsive. If they're doing drugs or their doctor prescribed them the wrong medication, that could be problematic as well. Right. So getting your brain right, and this is what we talk about on The Brain Warrior's Way all the time, is absolutely critical to getting your love right.

Yep. And I think, you know, kind of switching gears a little bit to some of the things that we talked a lot about what you admire about Tana. And we talked about some of the things that you guys love to do together. But let's talk a little bit about, um, being in a relationship. And we talked a little bit about, you know, conflicts and whatnot and how you guys overcome those as well. But what about, what about if Tana wants to do something that you're not interested in doing or you're, or, you know, or vice versa, like how do you guys find common ground on things that you know your partner may really be excited about like how do you do you let them down easy do you say hey take that one with a friend or

talk a little bit about that we don't really have an issue with it well i think it depends if you really don't want to do it yeah that will like go we'll have a good time right we give each other space we give each other i'll miss you I love you and I'll miss you. But if it's really important to them, we'll go, sweetie, this is really important to me. I want you to come to this event. Right. If it's like an event. Then.

And you're like, okay. He's not going camping. I have to put makeup on. Yeah. Right. But if you said, this is really important to me, I would really want you to go. You're going to go on survival training with me? Oh, absolutely not.

You're going to get mocked, kidnapped? I would love to see that. No, that's not happening. See? No one will go with me. You may really, really, really want me to do it. Right. And I'm going to really, really, really say no.

Right. Right. But I know he's going to say no. So it's good to have good boundaries around. But he doesn't stop me. And that's the thing. He scratches his head and rolls his eyes at me. And he's like, I provide this amazing life for you.

Why do you feel the need to go through this stuff? But he doesn't stop me from doing it. Why would you spend the night in a tent when there's four seasons nearby? I just don't get it. I don't understand either. I'm not a camper. So I agree with Dr. Eamon on this one. But, you know, wrapping up this episode, we're going to come back and wrap up, you know,

our top things that we learned about love. So stay tuned. If you're enjoying the Brain Warriors Way podcast, please don't forget to subscribe. So you'll always know when there's a new episode and while you're at it, feel free to give us a review or five-star rating as that helps others find the podcast. If you're interested in coming to Amen Clinics, use the code PODCAST10 to get a 10% discount on a full evaluation at amenclinics.com. For more information, give us a call at 855-978-1363.