Change Your Brain Every Day - The Different Types of Love: Focusing on Family

Episode Date: April 9, 2019

In this episode of The Brain Warrior’s Way Podcast, Dr. Amen and Tana Amen continue their exploration of the many types of love, this time centered on “storge” or familial love. Family relationships are often complicated, and it’s all too easy to get caught up in daily struggles. However, by narrowing the focus to certain important elements, such as modeling good behavior, strengthening bonds, and paving the way for future generations, you can bring purpose into your familial relationships.

Welcome to the Brain Warriors Way podcast. I'm Dr. Daniel Amen. And I'm Tana Amen. In our podcast, we provide you with the tools you need to become a warrior for the health of your brain and body. The Brain Warriors Way podcast is brought to you by Amen Clinics, where we have been transforming lives for 30 years using tools like brain spec imaging to personalize treatment to your brain. For more information, visit amenclinics.com. The Brain Warriors Way podcast is also brought to you by BrainMD, where we produce the highest quality nutraceuticals to support the health of your brain and body. To learn more, go to brainmd.com. Welcome back. We're here with Natalie, our social media director, and we're talking about love.

Who we love. Yes, we do. She's interviewing us and Natalie is part of our family. And in this podcast, we're going to talk about story love, which is love for your family. So I want to read a, um, I want to read a testimonial. I don't have my contacts in, so bear with me. Um, revolute revolutionized my life by great sleep coach. I've been implementing many of the elements of the brain warriors way, no artificial sugar, healthy fats, limit grains, no alcohol, no coffee, Lee, at least eight hours of sleep every night, hydrating throughout the day, et cetera, into my daily lifestyle for the past half year. And I've noticed a tangible difference in my life. I'm very excited about the positive effects of this new healthy lifestyle. Thank you,

Tana and Dr. Daniel Amen. I am a brain warrior. That is so awesome. So thank you. That's so cool. And brain warriors, just for those of you who have forgotten or just jumped in the middle of this podcast, are people who are armed, prepared, and aware to win the fight of their life. And often the enemies of health actually live in your house. Yep.

And what I've come to believe is you are modeling for your kids and your family health, or you are modeling illness based on the behaviors that you engage in. Well, and that's so true because kids do what you do, not what you say. Wouldn't it be so much easier if they just did what you said? But one of my pet peeves, God, one of my pet peeves is when parents constantly tell kids, don't be a follower. Don't be a follower. You know, be a leader.

Don't do what other kids do. If they walked off a cliff, would you walk with them? Would you follow them a leader don't do what other kids do if they if they walked off a cliff would you walk with them would you follow them and then what do you do I just I just had this happen with a health coach actually someone who's like a leader in her field she went back to go visit her family and she's like yeah I ate really bad for the last couple weeks I'm like why and she's like I just feel terrible she goes because I didn't want to make waves I didn't want to make waves and we're it's in the south and my family cooks, you know, they just, they use a lot of like fat and sugar and salt. And she's like, and just, you know, like really awful food. And she didn't want

to make waves. And I'm like, so let me get this straight. So you didn't want to make waves. You did what everyone else was doing because you didn't want to hurt their feelings. Isn't that kind of like peer pressure that you tell your kids not to give in to? Well, that was going to be my first question is that, you know, in the Amen household, as I've gone over multiple times, you know, everybody at work and everybody in your household, we all eat like a brain warrior because we feel better when we do. Not because we have to, because we feel better. And that was my first question with you because I know when I first started Tana, Chloe wasn't a brain warrior necessarily.

She wanted to eat what other kids were eating. She didn't want to be different. She didn't want to be different. And so talk a little bit about that. So it's interesting. She didn't want to be different. And then she went extreme. I mean, she went like even more so than us.

She was very rigid because she's got that brain. She's got a rigid brain. So then she went extreme and she ate so even more so than us. She was very rigid because she's got that brain. She's got a rigid brain. So then she went extreme and she ate so healthy, like so extreme. But she found that that was actually hard for her too. So now, and I think kids do this. They kind of go back and forth. She's, you know, she's 15 and a half. Now she's a little bit more middle of the road.

She eats really healthy, but not all the time. And I don't push her now. Now she's old enough. She's got the philosophy. I eat the way we eat healthy. We eat the way we eat. I don't put it in the house, but I also don't ride her about it because she knows, and she generally does eat healthy. So if she doesn't eat something, you know, if she doesn't eat perfectly, you know, like the way we eat all the time, she knows how she feels after she does it. I don't need to ride her anymore.

Well, it's because you laid the foundation of this is what we believe. This is what we do. You know, I would love for you to do this. And you know, if that happens, that's great. But if it doesn't, you know, that's your choice. You know the consequences. We don't spend money on bad food. Yeah. Because we love that. You know, I'm working on the end of mental illness, my new book, for next year. And Drew Carey actually has this great quote. So Drew Carey went from being very overweight and unhealthy to he lost a lot of weight and became super healthy. Yeah.

And he said, eating crappy food isn't a reward. It's a punishment. Yeah. And he gets it. Yeah. And one thing that is interesting. So my daughter got, you know, she's teenagers. She's getting a little salty now, man. No, she's actually really good, but she got frustrated with me because she's like, so let me get this straight. Cause I told her, I'm like, I buy food at the house. You spend your allowance when you're out. Because I know when she's out with her friends, she's buying, you know, she's buying whatever she wants and she can buy whatever she wants. I'm not going to like follow her and tell

her what to buy, but I know they're going to fast food places and doing stuff like that. So, um, cause that's what they can afford too. And so she said, so let me get this straight. You'll, you'll pay for everything when I'm with you. You'll let me order DoorDash when I'm at home, but I have to use my money when I'm out. You won't give me money to go spend when I'm out. And I go, that's exactly what I'm saying. Glad that was clear. So I'm glad that was clear because now you use your allowance. If you're going to buy crappy food, you're it's on you. That's on you. I'm not going to buy that for you. Yeah. So, so, so let's talk about, it's not about you. That ultimately, it's not. It's about generations of you. I mean, from an evolutionary standpoint, we're basically programmed to pass on our genes. But are you going to pass on healthy genes or illness genes? And nobody's thinking like this in our society but haven our granddaughter

who's now nine months um it's so freaking cute oh my god she's just like she's just yummy my heart and um when she was born when little girls born, when both of you were born, you were born with all of the eggs in your ovaries that you'll ever have. And your habits, so the stresses you're under, the food you eat, the environmental toxins, whatever, are turning on or off genes in those ovaries, making illness or health more likely, not only in you, but in Haven's babies and grandbabies. Teenagers need to know that, that their behavior's not just about them. Well, and that's one thing Chloe mentioned to me.

She said, it's not fair. She's starting to that's one thing Chloe mentioned to me. She said, it's not fair. She's starting to see some of my traits emerge in her. And I was not healthy growing up. She's way healthier than I was. She's not sick like I was all the time, but she does have some issues that I, that I had. So the guns loaded for her, but she does notice that she pulls the trigger or not by her lifestyle. Right. So exercise helps her. Eating healthy helps her a lot. And she's like, why is this fair that I ended up getting, you know, your genes that kind of suck sometimes? And I'm like, you know, that's the sad part.

You do. You do get my genes. And I'm like, but you do get to turn on or off. She also gets the intelligence, the kindness, the drive, all of those good things. Right? Yeah. Thank you. Like, you know, compared to your mom, you know, you can look at some of the negative

stuff, but you can also look at her drive, her ability to overcome adversity. Well, I got that from my mom. Right. No, that's what I'm saying. It's, you know, we can all look and, um, it's easy to focus. There's this great saying I do with my patients every day, where you bring your attention determines how you feel. And so for me, I could bring my attention to some of my critics who've been fairly brutal over the years, or I can bring my attention to the tens of thousands of

stories we have at Amen Clinics of people who've gotten better. And it just determines how you feel. And that is probably one of the most important things in family relationships. You just said it. Because talking about family relationships, that's one of the things that can probably trigger me faster than anything. Family relationships. It's hard for me because of my family and where, you know, sort of the chaos and the drama and the, it's hard. And I don't always want to help. I just don't. I'm just being honest. I wake up sometimes and I'm like, no, not today, not doing it. But, and that's, if I let my brain go to the negative part, you should be, you should, I should all over myself. You should be responsible for your own life. I do. I was like, you should be responsible for your own life. Why can't you do, you know, why can't you take care of yourself? You should be doing this. You should be doing that.

Why is it my responsibility? Why is this my job? Or I can shift that. And this is where you're really good because I will just go down that path and just go on a rant. But you're very good at trying to help me redirect. Usually it works. Sometimes every now and then it doesn't. You just need to let me rant and then I get over it. But you're very good about helping me redirect and think about the positives. And timing is so important, right? Because sometimes when people are really wound up,

you need to listen. Let it go. You need to just listen and not tell them, well, you shouldn't feel that way. And that's when we often talk about active listening, that repeat back what you hear and someone like Tana, who's emotionally charged, but so bright, will actually talk herself into doing the right thing. I need 20 minutes. I need 20 minutes. I know that's my time frame. So it's like, don't try and stop me. So, you know, we think about store gate love or love of your family is you're modeling health or illness that know what you want. I had someone this morning who had a very important meeting and before she went into the meeting, I go, what's the goal? She goes, what do you mean? I said, what's the goal of the meeting? You want to think about that ahead of time, right? Use the prefrontal cortex, focus forth on judgment, but planning, use that so that when you're in perhaps a difficult meeting, you know what the goal is so that your behavior can be goal directed.

So if I just reacted out of every thought I had with Tanner, Chloe, or my other kids or my friends, you know, I'd end up saying things that I shouldn't say. Still do sometimes. But if I know the goal, kind, caring, loving, supportive, passionate relationship, then I'm going to inhibit. I had somebody in my office this weekend who said, I'm brutally honest. And my comment was, well, that's usually not helpful.

You don't want to say the first thing that comes to your mind because it is often insensitive. It's often painful. It's often hurtful. You want to go, so what's the goal in our relationship? And does my behavior, it's totally selfish, does my behavior get me what I want? Because quite frankly, I want something that's good for us. Well, I really like your idea about goals, especially when you're talking about teenagers, because it can be challenging, right? So before I react to some of the, like the moods and the this and the that, it's like, I stopped myself and I'm like, okay, what do I want to have a good day? What is my goal today? Do I want to be bonded? Do I want her to talk to me, be open with me? Do I want to know what's going on in this kid's life?

Cause they will just clam up and shut up and not tell you anything if you're not careful. And so just ask yourself what your goal is. And that's the same, the same thing is true when I'm talking about what I just got done talking about when I should all over myself and don't want to help family. And I get frustrated and I'm like, I'm busy enough as it is. I don't need more people like, you know, trying to take my time. When you then are the voice of reason, which is irritating sometimes, but then I'll go away and I'll think about it. And it's like, what is the goal? The goal is to make the next generation of our family better. The goal is to not keep passing on the chaos and the drama, right? The goal is that.

It's to end mental illness. Right. That's the goal. Because there's like too much of it going on in society, everywhere in society. But among some of the people we love. So when I asked myself, why is this my responsibility? That's why. Stay with us.

When we come back, more on love. If you're enjoying the Brain Warriors Way podcast, please don't forget to subscribe so you'll always know when there's a new episode. And while you're at it, feel free to give us a review or five-star rating as that helps others find the podcast.

If you're interested in coming to Amen Clinics, use the code PODCAST10 to get a 10% discount on a full evaluation at amenclinics.com. For more information, give us a call at 855-978-1363.