Change Your Brain Every Day - The Psychology Behind Failed Relationships

Episode Date: July 2, 2019

In this episode of The Brain Warrior’s Way Podcast, Dr. Daniel Amen and Tana Amen continue their discussion on how to ruin a marriage. This episode focuses on the psychological aspects that tend to permeate bad relationships. Daniel and Tana help you to recognize certain destructive patterns and make the psychological adjustments that will improve the health of any relationship.

Welcome to the Brain Warriors Way podcast. I'm Dr. Daniel Amen. And I'm Tana Amen. In our podcast, we provide you with the tools you need to become a warrior for the health of your brain and body. The Brain Warriors Way podcast is brought to you by Amen Clinics, where we have been transforming lives for 30 years using tools like brain spec imaging to personalize treatment to your brain. For more information, visit amenclinics.com. The Brain Warriors Way podcast is also brought to you by BrainMD, where we produce the highest quality nutraceuticals to support the health of your brain and body. To learn more, go to Brainmd.com. Welcome back to How to Ruin Your Marriage Week. It's our sneaky way of helping you not to ruin your marriage, but-

Well, if you know how to ruin it, then hopefully you'll know how to help it. And in this podcast, we're going to talk about the psychological ways. So we'll talk about psychological warfare. But ask yourself a question. What is it in your background, in your development? Because when I think of psychology, I think of it's how you think and what you grew up in that sets the template for who you are. Yeah. And what is it in your background that may be interfering with you having the best relationship possible? So we started off in the last episode talking about how this is not our first marriage. And we learned a lot.

And fortunately for us, we have a really strong marriage. We communicate really well. We realize, you know, you're the yin to my yang. You're the grounding force. I'm a little intense. But knowing those things is really important. What I figured out the first time around when I didn't do it right, when I first went, I wouldn't commit to you because I didn't trust myself and I thought I'm never going through that again. And I figured if I couldn't figure it out the first time,

I'm certainly not going to do this again. And I went through a lot of therapy actually before I would commit to a relationship and moving forward, which I think was really smart now. I know it drove you crazy and made you insane for a while, but it was a smart thing to do. Holding on to hurts from the past will ruin your relationship. Yes. It's one of the things you need to know. And it took me a while to get over the you coming and going, but I'm over it. But it was a necessary thing for me. But holding on to things is not helpful. No.

And one of the things that really helped me is that I knew what it was like to be pressured. So you thought about it from my point of view. It was a relationship that I wasn't quite ready for. And so I gave you space. And then, yes, it is true. I called you a black widow because you would eat men. And now you are the black widow that's actually guarding the cage of our house. So one thing I want to point out though, is that when I first started doing therapy,

I remember being angry and bitter about the other person and what he did. And then all of a sudden it shifted and it went to personal responsibility. And it was, okay, I can't control that. Let it go. What was my part? Because that's the only part that I can take with me into another relationship into, if I want to have this relationship with this amazing person and I don't want to mess it up, that's the only thing I can focus on was my part. What can I do differently? And that's when it shifted. That's when it changed. And that's a really important, I think, important factor. I mean, I don't know. What do you think? So from a psychological standpoint, responsibility is probably the most important thing. What is it I can do today to make the

relationship better? Because if you're a victim, you can't- If I think about my first marriage, I was angry and almost justified in not being nice because of- We can always tell ourselves that though. Difficulties that were going on. But was that helpful? No. It was not helpful. So I work on this with my patients all the time, but that means I work on it with myself. What's my goal? So you need to know what's your goal in the relationship. You want to be divorced or you want to be married and have a loving marriage? I have a very clear goal. And it's always been the same with Tana.

I want a kind, because I'm a kind person. I want kindness in my life. i want a kind because i'm a kind person i want kindness in my life i want a kind caring loving supportive passionate relationship i always want that and so it's important what do you want in your relationship and then does my behavior not hers does my behavior, not hers, does my behavior get me what I want? And that is a frontal lobe function. It is. So it's a brain function, but it's from a software point of view. It's a psychological strategy. Know what you want and then ask yourself, does my behavior get me what I want? And it's not selfish

because what I want is not selfish. No. It's good for both of us. Both of us. Right. What I love about what you said, here's what's super important about that. What you said is you focus on what you want and you behave that way. And let me tell you why that's so important. Because there are times, okay, let's just face it. We have PMS, we have menopause, whatever. We've got kids, we have bad days, right? But because you do not know, um, because, but all of our problems start with men. Do you see that menopause anyways, menstruation anyways. So what the reason it's so important, what you said, what I love about that. So if I'm having a bad day and I'm just irritable, whether it's hormonal, whether it's situational, whatever the reason, it doesn't matter what the reason is.

If I'm having a really bad day and I snap at you and you're not clear about that goal and you snap back and we now engage, right? Because you weren't clear about that goal, we engage. And now, and you're justified. In your head, you're justified. I'm justified. So now we're engaged in this fight and we can't sort of end it. Now we have to dig in and make our positions correct, right? But because you were clear about your goal, this actually happens now and then. So once in a while. So I'll snap, you stay grounded. You actually stay centered and focused on what it is you want. You say something kind instead.

Rather than me needing to dig in and make myself right about what I said, I feel like an idiot actually. So then I realize how nice you are and I must apologize. Does that make sense? Wait, well, you have the same goal. Right. You have the same goal. But rather than digging in, that causes me to put my guard down.

So I love what Byron Katie says. Defense is the first act of war. And I know that I can make you angry. Oh, you can. In under eight seconds. Fortunately, you don't do it often. But why would I want to do that unless I was conflict-driven? So a lot of my ADD patients are conflict-driven. They play this game called

let's have a problem. But why would I do that unless I was not thoughtful? And all of you listening, I really want you to do this exercise. It's in virtually all of my books called the one page miracle on one piece of paper, write down what you want and ask yourself, does my behavior get me what I want? And if it doesn't, then don't do it. It's not going to help you. Yeah. And you get to be a role model and example. One thing, that's another thing I love about you. You are a role model and an example when you do that. And it makes me want to be a better person. Hopefully I do some of those things that make you want to be a better person. And that's important in a relationship. I'm so happy being married to you. Me too.

I would be so sad if you went away. Don't say that. I would, honestly. I'd be super sad, which is like, so what's really important? Me being right, me being in control. And we talked about, you know, what are those experiences growing up? And I grew up with a dad that needed to be, he was the king at home. Nobody argued with him. He was the patriarch. And so I grew up with really what has become an outdated model of the man is in charge. And if I took that into our marriage, we would... Oh, that would not go well. But you know, one thing... The man is in charge and and so i have to check myself because

my goal is never to dominate you my goal is probably a good goal if i had that goal you would not be my partner so one thing you're you know i mean you're beautiful and you're smart but you're also strong will when you have red hair. Yeah. And red hair is God's warning signal. You know, one thing that I learned from my mom. I didn't say that. So I grew up in a pretty chaotic environment. But one thing that my mom taught me that I have never forgotten was because I was pretty strong willed even as a kid, right?

So I was timid as a little kid, then I became strong willed over time. And she used to say to me, I had this sort of righteous thing that my daughter has now. and she used to say to me I had this sort of righteous thing that my daughter has now and she used to say this one thing to me and I've taught it to my daughter because it's a really important thing you can be right and you can be dead right is being right the most important thing in this situation and it just never I was like what yeah like are you the kind of partner that if your partner says something that's just factually wrong, that you have to correct them?

It's like, I try not to correct people unless it's material to the situation. If it just doesn't matter, leave it alone. You are not the English teacher. Yeah, but I do admit I told you so is a problem for me. Oh my goodness. No, I'm addicted to I told you so. That is my problem. I'm admitting it.

So it's just an issue for me. Thank God you just laugh at me and walk away. So yeah. So yeah, I admitted it. Forgiveness falls under this psychological circle. Holding on to things from the past can really devastate your relationships. So listen to our podcast on forgiveness. When we come back, we're going to talk about the one thing you've learned. Please go to brainwarriorswaypodcast.com. Let us know what you've learned, what you want to hear about. And if you are so inclined, please, we're asking you to leave us a review. Thank you.

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