Change Your Brain Every Day - The Single Most Important Tip for Stronger Relationships

Episode Date: April 4, 2019

In this episode of The Brain Warrior’s Way Podcast, Dr. Daniel Amen and Tana Amen continue their discussion on brain-centric relationship advice, with some help from none other than Amen Clinics’ own Natalie Buchoz. This episode features more tips on habits and behaviors that will strengthen your intimate relationships, including a dramatic shift in thinking that can deepen personal connections.

Welcome to the Brain Warriors Way podcast. I'm Dr. Daniel Amen. And I'm Tana Amen. In our podcast, we provide you with the tools you need to become a warrior for the health of your brain and body. The Brain Warriors Way podcast is brought to you by Amen Clinics, where we have been transforming lives for 30 years using tools like brain spec imaging to personalize treatment to your brain. For more information, visit amenclinics.com. The Brain Warriors Way podcast is also brought to you by BrainMD, where we produce the highest quality nutraceuticals to support the health of your brain and body. To learn more, go to Brainmd.com. Welcome back. We're so excited to have this time with Natalie this week and just talk about what works, what doesn't work in our relationship. But you have a testimonial. We do. So this is by RAB or R-A-B 405. Wealth of information. As a person

that has suffered numerous concussions, I have been a follower of Dr. Amen and his brain research for a number of years. This podcast is an excellent and quick way to learn key insights to his research and teachings across a variety of topics. Awesome. It's so common, you know, having concussions that change your life in a negative way and can completely change your relationships. Yep. And so we're wrapping up our relationship week and I'm so excited to be here to talk a little bit about romantic love and, um, and different types of the Amos relationships and what they do to make their relationship happy, healthy, and passionate every single day. And so we're excited to learn from you guys. So Daniel, let's talk a little bit about one thing that you would recommend to our viewers and

listeners to do every single day, every single day, whether that's to their partner, whether that's for their partner or something that you think would benefit their relationship. Well, so this will take less than a minute. It's know what you want. So it's this mission statement. It's part of an exercise we do here with our patients called the one page miracle. One piece of paper, write down what it is you want, and then just get that in front of your eyes every morning and ask yourself, will my behavior today get me what I want in my relationships, in work, in money, in my physical, emotional, spiritual health? But on the top of it, Tana is the number one thing I want.

Kind, caring, loving, supportive, passionate relationship. What is it I can do today to make that happen? Tana? I love that. So I do something very similar. I actually love the one page miracle. But what I do is in my meditation and prayer in the morning, I visualize the kind of day I want to have with my, you know, my relationship. So whether it's you or Chloe, all of them, but I'll visualize what I want to happen because I

know that things are going to happen that are going to take me away from that. But if I know what I want the day to look like, I'll get back on that track. Right. So that's really, it's really the same thing. You know, what do you want? And then I also, and we talked about this, but just to reiterate, start your day with today is going to be a great day. Right. Because then your mind talks about it. And if you have a family, like a ritual we often do when we have our cappuccino in the morning is I'm like, today's going to be a great day. Why is your day going to be a great day?

Yeah, we do a lot. And then she'll talk about it. And then at dinner or bedtime, what went well today? And so if you have a family and, or you with Grady, it's, it's like, so what went well today? And that way it sets up the conversation for you to be excited about it, where too often the brain is set on negativity because, you know, we evolved with lions trying to eat us. And it's, it's, if you can manage your mind by directing it in what you love about your life, more than what

you hate about your life, you will love your life. And there's one thing I think that's really important too. And we didn't really talk much about this. We could do a whole nother thing on this. Make sure you're speaking the same language as the person that you're talking to okay so you've got different love languages i love the book love languages um so mine is not gifts don't don't shower me with gifts or try and decorate me okay it's not it's not my thing i like um i know you do and just just saying that bugs me but but it's it's not my language not that I don't enjoy getting a gift it's just that my number one language that's not my language so one of my like this goes down like there's a couple of times I mean so many times this has happened but I was just under

incredible stress I was so fatigued felt like I was getting sick and I had to jump out of bed early in the morning to go take care I just had more family drama going on than like just stuff. And so I was getting ready to jump out of the bed. We had two deaths in the family. I was getting ready to jump out of bed and take on my day. And I had just this list of stuff to do. And I was so exhausted. And he literally like held me back down and cuddled me. And I'm like, no, I have to get up. He goes, why? I go, cause I have this, this, this, this, this, this to do. And he looked at me and he goes, it's taken care of. I started bawling.

I don't cry easily. So I was just like, you did what? He took it off my plate. Yeah. That, that is better than any gift on the planet. Yeah. And that will, that goes down like in history is like, oh my God. So know your partner's love language. And for her, it's words of affirmation and acts of service.

And love them the way they need to be loved rather than the way you want to love them. Some people want to be decorated. Okay. That's okay. Just know that. I mean, I think that that statement alone is probably the best thing that has been said in these four episodes is that you need to understand your partner and and their needs and you know what they're looking for as opposed to what you want yes i think it's so easy for us

as humans to just go well i think we're doing the right thing i want to see this movie and i think he'll like this movie so we're going to see this movie well or you he'll like this movie. So we're going to see this movie. Or you think, or you think you're doing the right thing because you're, because your love language might be gifts. Right. So you're showering someone with gifts and they're like, why doesn't he like, like, why is he so irritating? How come he doesn't love me? Like he doesn't show me how he loves me. Right. And he is showing you that he loves you, but he's doing it in his way, not yours. Right. And then, you know, let's talk lastly about communication. Is there anything that you would recommend to our viewers to keep that dialogue of open communication open in a relationship? And are there specific things that you two do daily with each other to make sure that

those lines stay open? I have two things. You first, ma'am. Grace. So number one, I have to know that even when he says stupid things because occasionally it happens what was his intention i i give him the benefit of the doubt that he's never trying to hurt me he may say something stupid but was he trying to hurt me so that's number one like know what the intention is i know that his intention is to have a good relationship so even if he hurts my feelings it's like all, all right, that was really stupid, but I know what the intention was and that's why I can get over it quickly. And the second one is grace because you're going to need it too. Just FYI. Okay. So if you want grace given to you, you need to give it back. Yes. I love that. Daniel?

So I think one of the most important things is listening is that when you're talking to your partner or your child, try to give more space in the conversation. You're good at that. Too many people, they want to say what's on their mind and they just jump in without giving appropriate space or without repeating back what you hear. It's like, oh, you meant that. So let me just tell you how it's going to be. And that just kills communication. And there are a lot of people who are extroverts and they use a lot of words, but it may not

be serving your relationship. So I just have to say something funny about that because you're so good at it. You're so good at listening. But sometimes you'll be on the phone and Chloe or I will be talking to you and you'll give space. And all of a sudden we're like, hello? Hello? It's like, where'd you go?

And you're trying to give space. But most people are so not used to it that we're just like, what happened? Where's the connection? We're used to people jumping in. See, that's space. There it is. That we're just like, what happened? Where's the connection? We're used to people jumping in. See that face? It's called active listening. They teach all therapists to do it. You should have learned this in third grade.

It's not easy to learn, but it's very helpful. It's easy to learn. It's not easy to practice. That's what I meant. That's better said. It's not easy to practice. And underlying all of this, if you're doing the things that we're talking about, that you're being a good listener and you're intentional in your behavior and your relationship's still suffering, you should come

to one of our clinics and get scanned. Because it's often the wild card, the missing piece that you have underlying ADD that's never been treated, or you have OCD that's never been treated, or you've had a head injury, or you have some old exposure. The brain, you know, I did this study once called the Couples from Hell study, where we scanned 500 couples who failed marital therapy. Yeah, so interesting. And, you know, nearly 90%, one or both of the people in the relationship had a brain that could be improved. And if you improve your brain, your relationships get better.

It also helps you to just understand the people that you're having relationships with. So for example, my mother, seeing her brain, not only explained her to me, explained my whole childhood, but also seeing my seeing my daughter's brain she's a really good kid by any standard i mean you know her she's like this really good kid but there were things about her because my i'm so different the way i communicate the way i do things so different that i couldn't understand um and so seeing her brain

all of a sudden i went oh okay so she she's never going to do it like i would do it yeah so and and just seeing how anxious like like that her brain is so much more active than mine i have add she has an overactive brain yeah so she's she's never gonna do it the way i would but seeing that helped me understand why she does how what she does and it just let me help me let go yeah and it helped you understand her and to be able to, to, to live with her and to work with her and just get it. I get it. Yeah. So I no longer like get frustrated. Like, why aren't you doing this this way? So it adds empathy and understanding and a path to treatment. Well, thank you so much for being with us. What a joy. We're going to

invite you back because you add such color. We didn't get to the other types of love, but this was so important. We have a lot more to share. Yeah. Stay with us. If you're enjoying the Brain Warriors Way podcast, please don't forget to subscribe so you'll always know when there's a new episode. And while you're at it, feel free to give us a review or five-star rating as that helps others find the podcast. If you're interested in coming to Amen Clinics, use the code PODCAST10 to get a 10% discount on a full evaluation at amenclinics.com. For more information, give us a call at 855-978-1363.