Change Your Brain Every Day - Tips to Help You Get Through the Grieving Process with Sandra Maddox

Episode Date: March 14, 2019

In the final episode of a series on grief with Sandra Maddox, Dr. Daniel Amen and Tana Amen share a list of tips, activities, and ways of thinking that can help save you from the downward spiral that lurks at every step during the grieving process.

Welcome to the Brain Warriors Way podcast. I'm Dr. Daniel Amen. And I'm Tana Amen. In our podcast, we provide you with the tools you need to become a warrior for the health of your brain and body. The Brain Warriors Way podcast is brought to you by Amen Clinics, where we have been transforming lives for 30 years using tools like brain spec imaging to personalize treatment to your brain. For more information, visit amenclinics.com. The Brain Warriors Way podcast is also brought to you by BrainMD, where we produce the highest quality nutraceuticals to support the health of your brain and body. To learn more, go to brainmd.com. Welcome back to day four of Grief Week. We're still here with Sandra. Thank you for being here. Sandra Maddox. Sandra Maddox, yes. You can get her books.

What is the title of your book? Book series. Oh, well, actually it's Tiffany and the Talking Frog in Search of the Crown of Righteousness, because kids can't say righteousness. That's great. So it's Righteousness. That's so cute. And then I'm in Chicken Soup for the Soul, the grief one. So you'll find my story in that as well. Awesome.

So then you get those on Amazon or Barnes and Noble? Amazon. Awesome. Okay. So let's read a testimonial really quickly before we get started. This is Rocked My Life. As someone who's been through seven concussions, five from college cheer, one from Aikido punching, from Aikido punching. I'm thinking Aikido, like martial arts.

It's just my natural. One from Aikido punching me, one from car accident, and has tried everything under the sun to feel better. And most of all, to be understood. I was so relieved when my mom recorded Dr. Raymond's PBS message for me one evening, I immediately became hooked on his methods and have been absolutely blown away by his abilities to revamp the brain in the most natural and holistic way. Standard medicine isn't always getting it right anymore. And to find a program like Dr.

Raymond's has been life-changing. And I've been reading his book and listening to his podcast due to low funds from Medical Bill Nation, but cannot wait to order the rest of the master kit and cookbook. Both as a speech-language pathologist and a brain injury survivor, I highly recommend his program and his podcast. It's awesome. This is Liz White, SLP. Thank you. That's why we do what we do. It is. So that is our purpose. When we finished last time, one of my favorite parts

about the grief recovery handbook was they talk about, so when should you start recovering from grief? And they gave the analogy, if you broke your leg, when would you start recovering from the broken leg? Yeah. Immediately. And I've heard so many people say, well, I want to wait a couple months until I'm in a better frame of mind. I don't really sort of get that. What is the rationale? Is people think they should suffer. And with grief, especially the kind of grief we've been talking about, you are going to suffer, right? But you can make it worse or you can make it

better. But if you're going to suffer, why not suffer along with someone who can help you? Right. And so one of the first things Ron and I did was we made a decision to go to therapy together. Oh, interesting. So we found a therapist. Like a grief specialist? Yes. A pastor at our church that had lost a child himself, and he dealt with some of those things. And so we went to, we went to see him because as in marriage,

um, the percentage of divorce with a couple who has lost a child is like 90%. Oh, wow. It's also true if they have a disabled child. Yeah. Oh, it's crazy.

It's 90%. My husband said, you mean like people who don't know the Lord? And he's like, no, it doesn't child. It's crazy. It's 90%. My husband said, you mean like people who don't know the Lord? And he's like, no, it doesn't matter. It's like 90% because of the way you grieve. Sometime, you know, one day you may be in it and that person may not be. And, you know, there's this tension. Yes, the dynamics.

But we made a decision to enter into each other's griefs. And I think that that was one of the things that in friendships, find those people that will enter into your grief, that will walk with you into your grief. I like that term. Enter into each other's grief. And it sounds like you gave each other permission to do that. We let certain people. Now, you know, not everybody's a safe person to do that. So you have to think about that as well.

But there are people who will enter into that place, like my friend who came to sit with me for weeks, you know, and the people that we had around us that would bring us food and, you know, just helped. So, but, yeah, we started right away. Like I said, I went to my, you know, for a physical right away. I remember my sister taking me to that. I remember, you know, Ron and I going, this was early. I don't have, the early days are so numbing, but I do remember in that first week, that's exactly what we did. And I don't know if somebody told us that, or we just thought it was the best thing to did and i don't know if somebody told us that or we just thought it was the best thing to do we don't know that's actually a great idea entering into each other's grief i think that that's a great term so from feel better fast some tips start healing as soon

as possible there's no advantage to putting it on keep a brain healthy routine so make sure you're eating healthy food that's exercising, going for walks, getting as much sleep as you can. Now, some people can't sleep at all because it's like you've just been shot with terrible cocaine. I mean, your body just feels amped. And many people complain of diarrhea or irritable bowel syndrome because your intestinal tract is basically 30 feet of smooth muscle. And what happens to muscle when you get stressed? It cramps. It clamps down.

Discover what was left unsaid or unfinished and write it out. Oh, I like that. And share it with someone. There's actually whole therapies around writing what happened and looking at it from an adult perspective. Be on the alert for an ant infestation. So we always talk about ants, automatic negative thoughts, the thoughts that come into your mind automatically and ruin your day. And the guilt ants, or we call them guilt-beating ants, come out and jump all over you. So whenever you're sad, if you can, write down what you're thinking

and then ask yourself, is that true? That's great. Write out the story of what happened, including the positive. Which you did, yes. Or negatives for 15 minutes a day for just a week. It has been shown in research studies to help reach for support, which we're able to do address physical pain, emotional pain. So don't forget sometimes if grief triggers chest pain, you need to see it. And back pain is a big one.

Back and neck pain. It tends to come out in ways because, and people think, oh, well, that's just psychological. Well, yeah, it is all in your head. Because when those stress hormones are released, it causes pain. It causes you to feel more pain. You tense. It is those muscles tense around the nerves. And you do have more pain.

And so sometimes hypnosis can help or meditation can help. Deep relaxation. One of my favorites, progressive muscle relaxation can be very helpful, guided imagery. One of the things on that, our therapist told us to take time and step away from the grief, like take a little vacation from it. And I was like, what does that mean? Well, what he meant was, you know, if we like to do golf together, go and do golf so that you can forget.

It's going to come back. He says it's going to be there when you get back. But are you willing to sort of set it aside for a few minutes? Yes, exactly. He would tell us to set it aside, go do something like go play golf or even go like take a day trip somewhere just to kind of not think about that. See the outside world differently. So he's not telling you get over it. No, no, no.

He's just telling you take a little vacation. Take a little vacation from the grief. And we always, like he said, take a break from the grief. And we were like, what does that mean? And so he explained that it was just like, you know, go take a day and go get a massage. He said, you know, when you come back, it's going to be there. It's not to take you away from it. It's just to give you a little break.

A little breather. A little breather. I like that. That's actually great. So I thought that was really interesting that he said that. And we put that into a routine for us that, you know, knew it was going to come back when we knew we could you know the things we could do and i love that yeah that's actually awesome it's one of the things we did whenever you get triggered by an anniversary birthday holiday play song smell

let the emotions wash over you and try to be grateful for the memories you do have. And that's what I like about you just, rather than waiting for it to happen, you sort of embrace it and bring it. And I just, I thought, it's you almost, it's almost like you are, you are controlling that, not controlling, you're directing. It's like, I know, I know I'm going to get triggered. So why don't I sort of direct the dialogue here? Why don't I sort of like embrace what's about to happen? And that way you have a bit more control. Well, and it always comes on, you know, right before the day of and the day after it's like, oh, you know, it's like, it's coming. It's, you know, it's coming and, you know, the flood of memories are going to come, especially when it's a birthday or, you know, it's it or the anniversary. It's just a, and Ron and I made, um, a commitment to

one another that on those days, you know, so long as family's okay. And, you know, we still have, uh, parents around that we take off and we go away during, you know, in January and in April for specifically those days right there. We take off and we honor her memory. We go somewhere and we just honor that or we just stay together and quietly reminisce about things. And, you know, it's just the way we're able to cope with those holidays that are birthdays that are really special, you know, in her life. And we want to honor her.

I mean, God gave us her. We loved her. We want to remember her. We don't want to forget, you know. Right. Well, and you've honored her in just one of the most beautiful ways you can honor someone is you've changed people's lives because of her. Right.

Right, and your relationship with her. And I have one, um, one thing that I want to ask you about that is what, did anyone ever say anything that really helped you sort of step up a little bit that helped you sort of like, I know you had friends that came and they sat with you. Was there ever a point where they sort of pushed you or nudged you just a tad or is it best to just sit? Well, starting the mom's group was one. But in the grief where they were sitting with you,

was there a point where they sort of like, um, no, my, um, the friend that I told you that it would come every Tuesday, she did, um,

push me one day and say, you know, maybe we should cook dinner. Maybe you should cook dinner for Ron tonight. Or, you know, she we should cook dinner. Maybe you should cook dinner for Ron tonight. Or, you know, she kind of. Okay. So those little things. Little like that.

Did she feel it out or did she just. I think she, no, she felt it out. Okay. You know, and I, I don't think I did it. I don't remember the first time I did it. I think, you know, I'm like. First time was like, no. First time was like.

And when you're married, it's, you know, one of the reasons for divorce is people go so far inside themselves that they actually sort of forgot, like Chris, that she had a partner. Yes. And that partner can get really lonely because they have their own grief and can go away. Yes. So it's, like you said, it's a vulnerable time. We have to stop, but I want to read this quote from one of my favorite quotes from Elizabeth Cooper Ross, who's a psychiatrist. Her specialty was death and dying. And when I was a senior at Vanguard, where I went to college, I took a death and dying class. Yeah, me too. And it helped so much. And she

writes, it is the denial of death that is partially responsible for people living empty, purposeless lives. For when you live as if you and your loved ones will live forever, it becomes too easy to postpone the things you know that you must do. What you said. Ask yourself constantly, does this worry, does this problem, does this moment have eternal value? That's one of my favorite questions on the planet. Does this have eternal value? Because if it doesn't, is it worth me worrying about? It's what you said. It's essentially what you said earlier is you become more acutely aware of the things that are important.

Right. So they can find your story in Chicken Soup for the Soul, the book on grief. Grief, yes. It's called Grief Recovery or something like that. Also, the children's, it's a book or a series? It's just a book. It's a book. It's a book with a series coming down the road.

Awesome. And say the name of the book again. It's called Tiffany and the Talking Frog in Search of the Crown of Rye Chestnuts. I love that. And it's about a little girl having a pretty party. And you can get those on Amazon. Do you have a website or people know when you're going to speak? I have a blog and it's called theartofdomesticity.com.

And you can go on that and find a lot of- The art of- Domesticity. Ah, okay, now I get it. The art of domesticity. I love that. Thank you so much. Thank you.

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